I'm all in Baby

As many of you have probably observed...I'm an extremist. I don't like to do things half assed...if I am going to fall for some guy, I'm going to give my whole being into it. If I'm going to jump into anything I'll just close my eyes and take the plunge. So when I get depressed...yeah...it gets messy.

I have managed to clean 85% of my apartment which makes me feel like I am just starting to get back some of the control I fear I have lost. I have even went back to the gym so I feel like at least something is happening in the way of change.

I fantasize about painting my place. I also fantasize about moving to Commercial Drive. I long for the day when I am in a place that finally feels like HOME...like MY HOME. Would that mean that I have to OWN my place before this happens?

My apartment is cold right now. Just temperature wize...I'm not talking about not feeling comfy in it. Truth be told this is the first place I've felt homey in for a long while. So why the fantasies about major change with it?

Maybe it's because I still haven't put up all my artwork. Maybe it's because the only things I feel I can change are the physical things around me. The phantom things like love, happiness just seem far away...I am focusing on the tangible right now...house 'n home, fitness etc.

I am searchingn for comfort in physical things but resisting the urge to comfort myself with food. I did have lentil soup for dinner though...that helped. Lentils are yummy...and I won't hear a bad thing about them. I believe they are good for me and as they were covered in saucy goodness with hints of cilantro...I think that the soup was a better choice than say....ice cream or those tiny fabulous easter egg candy thingies.

I'm sure you are wondering why I'm not seeking comfort in Bentley's arms or bed. The answer is simple...I need to be accountable for my own happiness and I am learning to self soothe. Besides...the endorphins can only last for so long and soon after cuming I think about going. (back inside my cave)

I do care about Bentely and I dont' wish to hurt his feelings etc. I think I am just not emotionally that available to anyone...not even to myself. I have had the past 4 days to myself and I got a lot of thinking done, a lot of cleaning done and a lot of catching up with me done. I have enjoyed it.

I still talk to Bentley and enjoy that dont' get me wrong. I just don't think it's fair to him to keep him in Limbo as it were. I can't commit and I won't go backwards. I am guessing then that the only way to feel good about this is to tell him that I just can't.

Maybe I was fooling myself in January thinking that I had all my ducks in a row after my relationship with Ronan went so sour.

I guess I really DO need to keep that promise I made to myself. I DO need to be Kwerkie Alone.

I read Lady K's site the other day and her posting about Querky Alone Day and about Violetta marrying herself. I loved that post. I went to Violetta's site and I think I read it about 10 times.

I might just marry me if I'm lucky!