The long look inside

Sooo. This week has been fraught with emotion. I'm suffering through the worst PMS I've ever had and yet I'm also tuning in with myself. I believe in serendipity. I believe that everything does happen for a reason and I'm becoming a bit more Spiritual in the last week or so.

Now I'm not praying to God or Allah or Buddha or anyone for that matter. I'm talking about just trying to BE and connect to the world around me.

On Tuesday I made sure to confirm with my RE:Life group for our special meeting of Life Mapping. I checked online and noticed the change of venue - but more than that, I learned that one of our members (whom I had not met) had died in a cycling accident on the Oregon coast. That night I took Tiernan out to the River Park but I was about an hour later than our regular time. As I made my way across the street to the park I noticed Caren and Caterina just entering the park.

Why was I an hour late? There was no reason. I wasn't caught up on the phone, I wasn't doing anything of note, there was no excuse other than my own lethargy preventing me from going at the regular time. I can't help but think that this was a great happening so that I could connect with Caren and Caterina outside of the Re: Life group. We spent 2 hrs talking and I learned quite a bit about Kitty - the girl that had died. I almost felt like I got to meet her from the way that Caren and Caterina were talking.

On Thursday I went to the Re:Life meeting and I was 15 minutes late. I was extremely frustrated and embarrassed and had a bit of a melt down. I was happy that they waited for me but I was flustered none the less.

The first half hour was spent as a memorial for Kitty and though I didn't know her...I couldn't stop the tears from flowing - especially during the song that Caterina had played. The song was soft and poignant and I'm sure under different circumstance it might even be uplifting. I mourned as if I knew her and felt very conflicted as I did so. Perhaps it was just that I could empathize with the group and felt their energy. Especially Caterina - who lost a good friend and potential mate in Kitty.

The next part of the meeting was spent Life Mapping. This was so incredibly hard for me because I had to look so far down inside myself. Now I'm not talking about your regular soul searching...I'm talking about the fucking Marianna's Trench of your very being. And that my little chickens...can be really dark and scary.

There was a sheet to work from that had 4 columns as follows:

GAP
Where do you feel ashamed or fear? What are you hiding?
___________________________________________________________________________

LIFE
What do you truly desire in your heart? What do you really want from Life?
_____________________________________________________________________________

BLESSING/TRUTH
How have we committed to help you turn from the Gap to Life?
______________________________________________________________________________

COMMITMENT
______________________________________________________________________________


The key here is to delve down into your very own Marianna's Trench and answer these questions honestly. Can you answer these? I won't lie to you chickens...I knew nearly immediately what my Gaps were and what I was hiding...and I cried. I cried because these are Gaps I have carried with me for nearly all my life and when I wrote them down it was like staring at my enemy right in the eye. It was nearly overwhelming.

I listed to the group share their Gaps and Life columns and I offered my blessings and commitment to those I felt comfortable doing so with. I was the last to share my Gap and Life columns and I only shared one of items I wrote down. It was the only one I wanted to share at that time and I will share it again here.

My biggest Gap right now is that both my physical and emotional houses are in shambles. I am letting my emotions rule me and I'm filling the emptiness inside me with food and lethargy. I am allowing my emotions to manifest physically into apathy, sloth and gluttony.

Soo. What do I truly want out of life in changing my gap? I want to clean these houses. I want to become more active physically and actively seek ways to control my emotions a bit more. I think that it's high time to figure out why I hide myself in my weight.

The Blessings and Encouragement that I received from the group was amazing. Especially from Josie whom I had met only once for 10 minutes. Ethan - who runs the group was particularly moving in his Blessing that he gave me.

Now I know I know we're using the word "Blessing" but it's more like a positive thought or wish for someone. This group is actually not religious at all. I'd say it's more Spiritual in that it accepts you no matter what religion you may or may not believe in. Being Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or Muslim it doesn't matter. Religion is not a part of what we discuss.

There are other items in my GAP and LIFE column and I was a bit too busy crying and trying to receive the blessings that I forgot to write them down in my Blessing/Truth column.

Now we come to the last column This one was already filled out with a pledge to the Re: Life village. This is basically up to the individual if they wanted to sign and commit to the group. The commitment could be through time, treasure or talent and it also states that there is no obligation or proof needed - it has stated that your actions demonstrate your commitment.

Of course I had no problems signing that. I have committed to this group wholeheartedly . I will try to do whatever I can to uphold the core beliefs of Compassion, Community and Communion (not in the Catholic way!!).

I can't help but think that this is the beginning of a fantastic relationship with my life and I can't wait to share this experience with others with the hope of helping them on their path as well.

One (of many) BIG IDEA

Right! I'm trying to get back into posting a bit more regularly even if this is my own drivel. It's cathartic drivel and really...I'm still of the opinion that if you don't like it don't read it. An incredibly simple concept - and yet- it alludes many.

So I did end things with Linus but I fear I have given him some false sense of hope. I am not sure if I could ever just simply accept him for who he is. I believe that a large part of what was missing for me was respect. No job, living at home, part time Dad that seems OK with giving up totally on his sons...I just could not get on board with respecting those things. He did make several strides at improving himself in our short term together - but is this enough for me? I don't know.

Right now I can't imagine being in ANY relationship at all. Right now the most fulfilling and joyous relationships I have is with Tiernan - my dog. I would like to be able to say the same thing of myself but I'm just not quite there yet and I am definitely not able to say that of my relationship with Linus.

I have recently joined a Life Coaching group called Re:Life. This isn't the typical Life Coaching scenario - this is a group discussion on a range of topics and I like this quite a bit. I like getting more than just one opinion to mull over and it feels like a pretty safe environment to share some of my crap with. I like the fact that we're all coming from vastly different places in our lives so it's not so much one on one or one vs. many but the sharing and community aspect of this group is quite amazing. If you are interested in knowing more about this then please visit their website: http://giftofrelife.com/

The key to this is being honest with yourself. It's quite a difficult thing for some - myself included. I'd love to believe that my shit doesn't stink...but it does and I'm not going to try to mask it with floral sprays. I just have to acknowledge my behaviour in whatever form it takes and then try to make the adjustments in myself to have better relationships - regardless if they are platonic, romantic, or familial.

So right now my BIG IDEA is to take a few months just for me. Stop worrying about love or sex or any combination of the two. I am quite tempted to remove myself from several online boards (not this one chickens so don't worry) just so I can have a fresh start.

I have noticed that the majority of my life changes/decisions tend to happen in Autumn. I'm not really sure why that is - perhaps I instinctively just do this close to my birthday so I have a fresh year for a fresh look/attitude.

My first dance class was a great success and I felt amazing afterwards. Linus is in my class as well and that wasn't quite as awkward as I had initially thought it was going to be. I could feel his eyes on my the entire time but I choose to just ignore it. I am determined to have fun, learn these dances and practise at every opportunity.

Today and every day I have to decide to love my life. I have to do the things that make me feel good and that not only benefits me...but those around me as well. Let go, have more, give back.

I've had an epiphany!

And I'm not too happy about it! In fact - I'm pretty disgruntled.

My life is not a movie or tv sitcom and it's not likely to become one anytime soon. How completely disappointing!! There is no guy waiting in the wings for me to notice him, there is no drop dead gorgeous man who will suddenly decide that an overweight woman with shaky self esteem is his great big fat (insert ethnicity) wedding.


The one great trait I have is my ability to dodge the "miserable ever after" bullet.

Miguel and I broke up - I'm not going to get into it. It's over, it's done, it was all built on lies he told me and I told myself. I am just as much to blame as him - I was pretty sure he was full of shit but I just wanted my dream to come true so badly that I failed to pay attention to all the warning signs.

So now I'm seeing Linus. There are so many great qualities about Linus...unfortunately - he is my bitter rebound. I know this because for every great quality he has I see about 10 flaws. There are many many women who he could make blissfully happy - but I think in the end I would make him totally unhappy. There are too many things that make him innately him that I want him to completely change!

I am not used to dating down on an intellectual level and I am doing that with Linus. He's not dumb - but he's not that smart. It's not even a book vs. street smart issue. I can't quite explain it. Perhaps it just comes down paying attention - and I am not talking about to 'the little things'. He can't see the BIG THINGS yet he will try his hardest to find the little things.

Anyway...I just need some time to find a way to gently tell him that this is just not going to work out in the long run.

I bring this up because one of my very best friend's just got married. I got very caught up in the romance of the wedding that I found myself day-dreaming about my own wedding - and knew in my heart that the man I marry would not be Linus.

So here I am with the promise of improving myself (again) and I am just wondering...where to start? Yes my weight has become an issue - I am no longer comfortable in my own body and of course that shows in public. However, I'm not so naive to think that my weight is what is holding my back from my happily every after.

So what is it? What the fuck is happening in my brain that I can't figure my life out!!! BAHHHH

Ahem.

And if someone finds the script to my life can they reveal if I get my happily ever after without totally giving away the fun and mystery of my happily ever after ending??

Thanks.