Wednesday, January 25, 2012

To Be

Sometimes it's incredible this overwhelming desire to just BE. I am growing softer lately I think -more open to my own vulnerability and more open to learning from my mistakes instead of just pointing at them all lined up like fallen soldiers in a war only I'm fighting.

I'm listing to a lot of introspective music lately - or at least the sort of music that facilitates a lot of introspection. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between personal weaknesses and ego vulnerabilities lately. I am less and less patient with what I consider to be weakness - both from myself and with others but I am craving understanding - both from myself and for others. It's such a strange tight-rope I feel I'm walking.

Lately I just want to BE. I imagine my life after graduation. I imagine my clothes, where I will live, my lovers, my friends and I imagine living the perfect combination of hippy-gypsy lifestyle. I want to travel and I want to have roots. I want to love men and women and I want to have one partner in every sense of the word. I am full of contradictions and feel like somehow I will actually have to just choose ONE thing.

I'm 37. I feel like maybe I am not suppose to have just one thing because surely if I was supposed to have my one partner then I would have found him by now. Surely if I were meant to have a family then I would have been able to make that happen by now and not when the window is all but shut for that sort of thing.

I feel like I need to have a funeral for dreams that will never be - to just let them go so I can focus on something more attainable like finishing school, having a fantastic practice and maintaining my great friendships and having bees and goats and maybe another dog or 2.

I could be that fantastic Aunt Kathy where my nephews and niece come to visit me on my farm or far away cottage in some cozy European village someplace. I could have lovers come and go and have fantastic friends and art and dinner parties and live out my days taking up languages and traveling and maybe learning how to paint or draw or write books on how to live in the moment.

Mostly I just want to learn how to BE. Maybe it's just not possible right now as I find myself fighting with myself and my beliefs as I go through school. I need to find the quiet moments every day to just remmeber who I really am deep down in my core.


Ami said...

I don't think 37 is the end all be all for what you want to be.

Arie C. said...

Hello Kathy,
I'm just starting out with and was searching through blogs, none of which have stopped my clicking through as of yet. I stopped here, though.
The thought of making any one ultimate decision terrifies me. I desire a little bit of it all, and nothing at the same time. I understand the need to just BE, but I have no idea how to do it. I'm hoping you still update frequently because I'm thinking I can learn a thing or two from your words.