Ok. Admitedly I am writing this when I am very tired, grumpy and feeling hurt.
Ronan spent the night at my place last night. We didn't fool around...I wasn't feeling very well and we were both tired. No biggie.
I had the worst night's sleep last night - I can't tell you how many times I woke up and how many nightmeres I had. Ronan said he was up a lot last night as well. Both of us tired.
When my alarm went off I was soooo sleepy. There was no fooling around in the morning...I did not have the energy at all. I got up, had a shower, had breakfast and got ready for work. What normally takes me 20 minutes took me closer to 30.
Ronan drives me to work and then fake kisses me as I get out of the truck. What I mean by 'fake kissing" is that he just kisses the air in my general direction. I hate that. This isn't the first time he's done it and though I mentioned how much I dislike it before, I am certain it won't be the last. I'm sure he saw the hurt look on my face as he did try to call me back. However, it was too late. Ronan lets me off on a very busy street and we didn't have the luxury of a red light...just some pedestrians slowing traffic down just enough so I could hop out. I couldn't come back and it left me feeling rather hurt.
STILL. WTF??? I'm tired. He's tired. He has the day off and is awake at 6 30AM because of me. I feel badly about this but he does have keys to my place and the option of sleeping in. I am quite capable of walking to work as I have done for the past 2 years. He said last night that he didn't mind driving me in as he has a lot of errands to get done today etc etc.
So why are we both wearing the grumpy pants? Have we reached the stage where we just react instead of thinking about how things may be taken? Have we become that comfortable with each other that we no longer feel the need to woo each other?
Ronan made a comment about my appearance the other day - said something along the line of "would you have worn that on our 2nd date?". The implication of course being that I must have looked a bit "frumpy" instead of sexy and appealing. My hair was back in a pony tail, my make up was light, I was wearing kahki capri pants, a cute pink T-shirt BUT...what "ruined" the look was my runners. I didn't *want* to wear my runners to be clear...but I didn't have any other shoes at Ronans place that would go with my outfit...so the runners were my best option.
However, I changed for our date and looked stunning so all was forgiven.
STILL! It's not that I don't feel the need to look nice for Ronan any more - in fact, I have been on a small shopping spree and bought 2 sexy tops and a drop dead sexy dress...all to wear while out with him. Suddenly I'm showing "too much cleavage" to the whole world. Is there a happy medium here?
If I don't show any cleavage (and let's be honest here....I don't HAVE very much cleavage....it's all done with smoke and mirrors) then I am "not trying" or have "settled". If I *do* show what little shadow and curves I do have....then suddenly I'm being too provocative and he feels the need to remind me that he should be the only one to see my tits.
*sigh*. I am so sleepy - a nap will make this all seem rather silly.
In other news....I lost my cherry in regards to Sensual Food Sex. Thjs is ironic as we were playing with Mud Pie that was supposed to have a cherry...but it was lost.
I had never played with food in bed like that before. Well...truth be told it was on the couch...still! My point is that Food and Sex go together quite well and it was a lot of fun to play and experiment and tease. The ice cream was just the right amout of cold (for me) and I found the whole thing to be very exciting!!!
I do not reccomend whip cream from a can...blech. The real stuff is what you need - fluffy and light and less chemically. Chocolate is a fabulous diping sauce for "peaches" and "bananas' (ok...corny I know but I'm trying to work with the whole food theme).
Lady K mentioned something about toothpaste (she read it somewhere) and though that might give you all the tinglies...I do think it brings a whole new meaning to "oral sex". teehee.
Best go for now...I'll expand on this another time.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Night Singing
I think I have a wicked porn voice. I can "OooOOhhHHhhhh" and "ahhh" and "Uuummmm" with the best of them...the only difference being is that my sex noises are actually genuine.
Welcome Tia - the newest audience member to make herself known :) I hope you continue to enjoy and learn and post comments of all kinds :). This post is a direct result of your question from here.
How *do* I manage to have an orgasm so often with Ronan....good question. I started thinking about it, trying to analyze the sex I have with him...but then that wasn't as fun as asking Ronan his opinion on the matter.
Here is what we came up with. (Oh the punnyness of that sentence is too good not to comment on).
In the beginning stages of our relationship we had a lot of fun dates that culminated in massive make out sessions. All hands were above the equator as it were and we just kissed each other silly! To say that I love kissing is a massive understatement. I've broken up with men before over lousy kissing.
To me kissing is an intimate and integral part of sex. I NEED to be kissed. If it doesn't start off with kissing...it won't actually "start". The best part about kissing is that it is not limited to just the lips! My neck, breasts and especially my EARS loved to be kisses. I think that people sometimes forget how sensual kissing can be. Slow it down, speed it up....let your tongue play. Gentle slurpy kisses in the ear combined with quick tongue flicks over the jugular vein will very nearly bring me to orgasm.
Ok...so we've covered kissing as an important part of good sex (for me....others might not be too into it).
The next important ingredient is "Talking". Yup...I like to tell Ronan what's working, where to go next....though as we have been together for 4 months now there is little need for that now.
95% of women (I think that's the right percentage) can not achieve orgasm from penetration alone...there needs to be some clitoral stimulation. Here is the thing...a lot of men don't seem to know where it is or worse...what to do with it when they DO find it.
This delicate area of the female body is a lot like the head of a man's penis. It has the same nerve endings, the same sensitivity of an uncircumcised man. Women have a little hood protecting the clitoris....after all...we can't have us women wearing lacey thongs and then BAMO! having orgasms every time we get up from our desk to go to the bathroom. (isnt that a nice thought though?).
Many men seem to think that quick, hard circular movements over a woman's clit is enough or good or something. Hellooooo....do you want me to rub my thumb over the head as hard as I can as fast as I can with little to no lube???? Je ne pense pas!
You know your body. Hopefully you've had many wonderful orgasms by yourself and are confident enough to tell your partner just how you love to be touched. Is it slow and sensual? Quick and hard? Slow and hard? Quick and soft? You know yourself.
When things are working well for me...Ronan can't help but know it. Noises escape me. It's a wonderful pleasurable circle. It feels good- so I moan. It feels good to moan-so I moan more. Of course...no one should make fun of your night singing. (I don't know why I am calling it night singing....it's not like I"m quiet in the day time and only moan with pleasure at night...)
One day Ronan mimicked my sex noises and I admit I was less than impressed. Those noises are uncontrolled and often I don't even know what I'm saying (if there are indeed any words) so it seems unfair to bring them out after a love making session. My utterings are being used out of context as it were.
So...my best advice on how to achieve an orgasm every time are listed below:
1) Do not think about it. It's not really that important to cum every single time...what is important is that you enjoy what you are doing. If you are putting pressure on yourself or your partner to give you an orgasm...chances are you are not in the right head space to have one.
2) TALK to you partner. Many people find it very sexy to talk during sex. "Move here, touch me like this, I love it when you lick me here" That sort of thing. Praise in the bedroom does wonders.
3)DO NOT FAKE IT! If you fake it you are opening up a huge pandora's box. Your partner will likely repeat what they did when you faked it and then would be bewildered why it has suddenly changed and is no longer working for you.
4) Be an active participant in your own pleasure. A lot of men get turned on when a woman touches themselves while they are penetrating them. This works out great for everyone as the woman gets all sorts of stimulation and the man gets a nice view (depending on position) of his woman being confident and taking control of her own sexuality.
5) Talk about any problems you are having OUTSIDE of the bedroom. That is sooo important as you do not want your bedroom (or secret sex alcove) to be a place of doom....unless you are into that sort of thing. No one wants to feel pressured in bed....so talking about issues outside of your "regular" sex arena is key to keeping it full of pleasure and not full of anxiety.
Alright,...now I know that some of you may disagree with any or all of the above. I am not a sex therapist, I do not have a degree from any recognized institution in Sexuality. However....I have had a few lovers, even MORE boyfriends and I know what I like.
If these tips work for you...I'm very happy for you!
If they don't...well...don't give up, Chapters is full of great books on sexuality. One of the best ones I read is called "Sexual Self Awareness" and that was a key factor on my road to discovering my own sexuality and pleasure. Don't cheat on the excersizes...they are fun and a huge learning tool.
Welcome Tia - the newest audience member to make herself known :) I hope you continue to enjoy and learn and post comments of all kinds :). This post is a direct result of your question from here.
How *do* I manage to have an orgasm so often with Ronan....good question. I started thinking about it, trying to analyze the sex I have with him...but then that wasn't as fun as asking Ronan his opinion on the matter.
Here is what we came up with. (Oh the punnyness of that sentence is too good not to comment on).
In the beginning stages of our relationship we had a lot of fun dates that culminated in massive make out sessions. All hands were above the equator as it were and we just kissed each other silly! To say that I love kissing is a massive understatement. I've broken up with men before over lousy kissing.
To me kissing is an intimate and integral part of sex. I NEED to be kissed. If it doesn't start off with kissing...it won't actually "start". The best part about kissing is that it is not limited to just the lips! My neck, breasts and especially my EARS loved to be kisses. I think that people sometimes forget how sensual kissing can be. Slow it down, speed it up....let your tongue play. Gentle slurpy kisses in the ear combined with quick tongue flicks over the jugular vein will very nearly bring me to orgasm.
Ok...so we've covered kissing as an important part of good sex (for me....others might not be too into it).
The next important ingredient is "Talking". Yup...I like to tell Ronan what's working, where to go next....though as we have been together for 4 months now there is little need for that now.
95% of women (I think that's the right percentage) can not achieve orgasm from penetration alone...there needs to be some clitoral stimulation. Here is the thing...a lot of men don't seem to know where it is or worse...what to do with it when they DO find it.
This delicate area of the female body is a lot like the head of a man's penis. It has the same nerve endings, the same sensitivity of an uncircumcised man. Women have a little hood protecting the clitoris....after all...we can't have us women wearing lacey thongs and then BAMO! having orgasms every time we get up from our desk to go to the bathroom. (isnt that a nice thought though?).
Many men seem to think that quick, hard circular movements over a woman's clit is enough or good or something. Hellooooo....do you want me to rub my thumb over the head as hard as I can as fast as I can with little to no lube???? Je ne pense pas!
You know your body. Hopefully you've had many wonderful orgasms by yourself and are confident enough to tell your partner just how you love to be touched. Is it slow and sensual? Quick and hard? Slow and hard? Quick and soft? You know yourself.
When things are working well for me...Ronan can't help but know it. Noises escape me. It's a wonderful pleasurable circle. It feels good- so I moan. It feels good to moan-so I moan more. Of course...no one should make fun of your night singing. (I don't know why I am calling it night singing....it's not like I"m quiet in the day time and only moan with pleasure at night...)
One day Ronan mimicked my sex noises and I admit I was less than impressed. Those noises are uncontrolled and often I don't even know what I'm saying (if there are indeed any words) so it seems unfair to bring them out after a love making session. My utterings are being used out of context as it were.
So...my best advice on how to achieve an orgasm every time are listed below:
1) Do not think about it. It's not really that important to cum every single time...what is important is that you enjoy what you are doing. If you are putting pressure on yourself or your partner to give you an orgasm...chances are you are not in the right head space to have one.
2) TALK to you partner. Many people find it very sexy to talk during sex. "Move here, touch me like this, I love it when you lick me here" That sort of thing. Praise in the bedroom does wonders.
3)DO NOT FAKE IT! If you fake it you are opening up a huge pandora's box. Your partner will likely repeat what they did when you faked it and then would be bewildered why it has suddenly changed and is no longer working for you.
4) Be an active participant in your own pleasure. A lot of men get turned on when a woman touches themselves while they are penetrating them. This works out great for everyone as the woman gets all sorts of stimulation and the man gets a nice view (depending on position) of his woman being confident and taking control of her own sexuality.
5) Talk about any problems you are having OUTSIDE of the bedroom. That is sooo important as you do not want your bedroom (or secret sex alcove) to be a place of doom....unless you are into that sort of thing. No one wants to feel pressured in bed....so talking about issues outside of your "regular" sex arena is key to keeping it full of pleasure and not full of anxiety.
Alright,...now I know that some of you may disagree with any or all of the above. I am not a sex therapist, I do not have a degree from any recognized institution in Sexuality. However....I have had a few lovers, even MORE boyfriends and I know what I like.
If these tips work for you...I'm very happy for you!
If they don't...well...don't give up, Chapters is full of great books on sexuality. One of the best ones I read is called "Sexual Self Awareness" and that was a key factor on my road to discovering my own sexuality and pleasure. Don't cheat on the excersizes...they are fun and a huge learning tool.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
It ain't easy being green
Ok...I admit it. I am sometimes a jealous person. I hate it...the weight of it all...the heavy feeling in my stomach, the pressure on my heart, sometimes I can't breath through the thick green fog.
I had a massive attack of it on Saturday.
Ronan has joined my gym. There are probably lots of reasons why he joined my gym...his gym was really far away, it was inconvenient, we were spending a lot of time together and both of us ignoring the gym...So joining my gym means we can go together and work out together and be supportive in getting fit and healthy. Great.
However...as we all know...beautiful people work at the gym. Anna was no exception to the rule. In her late 30's Anna is in amazing shape, breasts still perky (I'm putting money on the Wonder Bra being extra "Wonder-ful") and her ass was tight and high and there wasn't a part of her that giggled unnecessarily.
I don't mind a pretty girl...truth is I really appreciate beauty in all it's forms and genders. I think that Anna is very attractive but I am not actually attracted TO her. (just want to be clear on this point),
SO. Fine. Anna is pretty. We arrive at the gym are placed in her capable and wandering hands. Oh wait...sorry...I was there...but may as well have been invisible. She was ALLL over Ronan. Cooing at him and fawning over him and TOUCHING HIM???? Running her hands up and down his back, over his shoulders...the only thing she didn't do is reach down his shorts and grope him!
Ronan ate it up. I don't blame him really - it is hard not to be all gooey when an attractive person butters you up. The good news is that Ronan saw through her phoney act and realized that she was just trying to sell him a membership.
STILL. I couldn't help the green fog from clouding my vision. It affected me more than I want to admit...but here I am sharing.
I nearly felt VIOLENT towards Anna. I called on Monday to ask about a class and spoke to her. She mentioned that she saw Ronan at the gym on Sunday. I was pretty sure he didn't go to the gym and the green nearly choked me. I know he didn't go...why would she say that?
I feel very solid with Ronan to be clear. I don't think that he'd ever cheat on me and he knows that I would never cheat on him. What would be the point? I feel like I am getting everything I want out of this relationship. I feel loved, desired, listed to, cared for and a whole litany of other ooey gooey things that are important to me.
Still...why the jealousy?
Yes I need to drop about 30lbs to be truly athletic, but I don't think that Ronan is turned off by my body. I do have a washboard stomach...it's just under 20lbs of laundry at the moment. (teehee).
But this was crazy. I wanted to hurt Anna...I didn't like the way she looked at Ronan and I hated her touching him...
It aint easy being green...I prefer passionate pink.
I had a massive attack of it on Saturday.
Ronan has joined my gym. There are probably lots of reasons why he joined my gym...his gym was really far away, it was inconvenient, we were spending a lot of time together and both of us ignoring the gym...So joining my gym means we can go together and work out together and be supportive in getting fit and healthy. Great.
However...as we all know...beautiful people work at the gym. Anna was no exception to the rule. In her late 30's Anna is in amazing shape, breasts still perky (I'm putting money on the Wonder Bra being extra "Wonder-ful") and her ass was tight and high and there wasn't a part of her that giggled unnecessarily.
I don't mind a pretty girl...truth is I really appreciate beauty in all it's forms and genders. I think that Anna is very attractive but I am not actually attracted TO her. (just want to be clear on this point),
SO. Fine. Anna is pretty. We arrive at the gym are placed in her capable and wandering hands. Oh wait...sorry...I was there...but may as well have been invisible. She was ALLL over Ronan. Cooing at him and fawning over him and TOUCHING HIM???? Running her hands up and down his back, over his shoulders...the only thing she didn't do is reach down his shorts and grope him!
Ronan ate it up. I don't blame him really - it is hard not to be all gooey when an attractive person butters you up. The good news is that Ronan saw through her phoney act and realized that she was just trying to sell him a membership.
STILL. I couldn't help the green fog from clouding my vision. It affected me more than I want to admit...but here I am sharing.
I nearly felt VIOLENT towards Anna. I called on Monday to ask about a class and spoke to her. She mentioned that she saw Ronan at the gym on Sunday. I was pretty sure he didn't go to the gym and the green nearly choked me. I know he didn't go...why would she say that?
I feel very solid with Ronan to be clear. I don't think that he'd ever cheat on me and he knows that I would never cheat on him. What would be the point? I feel like I am getting everything I want out of this relationship. I feel loved, desired, listed to, cared for and a whole litany of other ooey gooey things that are important to me.
Still...why the jealousy?
Yes I need to drop about 30lbs to be truly athletic, but I don't think that Ronan is turned off by my body. I do have a washboard stomach...it's just under 20lbs of laundry at the moment. (teehee).
But this was crazy. I wanted to hurt Anna...I didn't like the way she looked at Ronan and I hated her touching him...
It aint easy being green...I prefer passionate pink.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
When too much still isn't enough
*** WARNING**** THIS POST IS FAIRLY GRAPHIC - AND NOT IN AN EROTIC WAY***
The squeamish should not read this. This may offend some people.
Ronan and I spent some serious time catching up since his 7 day trip to Alberta Some of it was talking with our mouths...most of it was speaking with our bodies.
I have NEVER experienced this before...but in one day I had so many orgasms that I simply lost count (though at a guess I'd say 9) And here's the weird thing...even though I was a bit sore and very sensitive...I STILL wanted more!!! Oh my!
The workings of men and women are so different and I admit that it's a bit unfair. While I was pleased over and over again by Ronan...it was a bit different for him. I was only able to bring him to that place of splendour twice in one day and though I made valiant efforts for a 3rd or 4rth time...it just wasn't in the cards.
This morning we were both pouting. I had some minor issues this morning during oral sex and he was very hurt that I couldn't orgasm. That put a LOT of pressure on me. I didn't want to focus on that...I just want to enjoy things as they happened. Then when I finally DID have an orgasm...he asked me if I faked it. That was hurtful and a bit uncalled for I think, but I let it slide. His ego was bruised and I wasn't about to get into a discussion about faking it that early in the morning...or indeed as I was still basking in my post coital bliss.
Moments later when we were back at each other I was trying my best to please him, only to have him stop completely and say that it just wasn't going to happen...that there was too much pressure on him time wise (I had to get up and go to work in 10 minutes) and that it "wasn't that kind of morning".
So what is up with that?
He was really upset at the thought that he couldn't make me orgasm with his mouth this morning...but I wasn't allowed to get upset that I couldn't give him an orgasm. Hello Mr. Pot...meet Ms. Kettle...I believe you have mutual blackness in common.
There really is something strange that happens to my body around Ronan. For as sore I was yesterday...I simply could not get enough of him. I long for the day when we can spend 24 hours with each other doing nothing but making love alllll day. Ok logically we'd have to stop for bathroom and meal breaks...but for the most part we could just explore each other's bodies and all the ways we can please each other.
Let's go back to the incident this morning for a moment. Where as I have faked things in the past, I have learned from my mistake and simply refuse to fake an orgasm...how else will Ronan know how to help me achieve orgasm? I could fake it...but why? Who's losing out there -ME that's who. And Ronan too I suppose...like me, he takes pride and joy in being able to please his partner.
It does bother me that he seemed to be OK with him not cuming this morning but that it was not acceptable if I didn't. I too love to please and half my pleasure it pleasing him. And maybe we do have to have a discussion about faking it.
Now I know I've already posted about this...but I am actually wondering more and more about the Fake Male Orgasm.
Sometimes I can' t feel it. I'm not kidding. I'm a bit of a flooder if things are working well for me...and if I have an orgasm (or many) then I get a lot wetter. I've even experienced that illusive Female Ejaculation (twice with Ronan) which of course just soaks all the bed linen and is a bit embarrassing - though I don't think Ronan actually noticed or if he did, didn't care.
So...during an average love making session I will probably have roughly 2-3 orgasms. This means I'm so lubed up I can't feel any other "foreign" liquids. Also, Ronan isn't "cut" so sometimes his semen gets trapped as it were and so there isn't much in me to begin with (or should that be 'end with'?).
Could HE be faking?
Obviously he can't fake it during oral sex, and I admit that I do love my vitamin R in the morning. I am sad when he won't let me play until he scores, but I do understand that men and women are different. It took me YEARS to have my first orgasm with a partner and another year to learn how to have one nearly every time. And with Ronan I think I have been EXTREMELY lucky and have been able to cum pretty much all the time...the exception was yesterday when I was simply just too sensitive from my countless other orgasms!
Ah well. Can't wait until Friday night...dinner, U2 concert and then lots and lots of bed time play!
3 Months and counting and I STILL can't get enough of this man...both in and out of the bedroom.
The squeamish should not read this. This may offend some people.
Ronan and I spent some serious time catching up since his 7 day trip to Alberta Some of it was talking with our mouths...most of it was speaking with our bodies.
I have NEVER experienced this before...but in one day I had so many orgasms that I simply lost count (though at a guess I'd say 9) And here's the weird thing...even though I was a bit sore and very sensitive...I STILL wanted more!!! Oh my!
The workings of men and women are so different and I admit that it's a bit unfair. While I was pleased over and over again by Ronan...it was a bit different for him. I was only able to bring him to that place of splendour twice in one day and though I made valiant efforts for a 3rd or 4rth time...it just wasn't in the cards.
This morning we were both pouting. I had some minor issues this morning during oral sex and he was very hurt that I couldn't orgasm. That put a LOT of pressure on me. I didn't want to focus on that...I just want to enjoy things as they happened. Then when I finally DID have an orgasm...he asked me if I faked it. That was hurtful and a bit uncalled for I think, but I let it slide. His ego was bruised and I wasn't about to get into a discussion about faking it that early in the morning...or indeed as I was still basking in my post coital bliss.
Moments later when we were back at each other I was trying my best to please him, only to have him stop completely and say that it just wasn't going to happen...that there was too much pressure on him time wise (I had to get up and go to work in 10 minutes) and that it "wasn't that kind of morning".
So what is up with that?
He was really upset at the thought that he couldn't make me orgasm with his mouth this morning...but I wasn't allowed to get upset that I couldn't give him an orgasm. Hello Mr. Pot...meet Ms. Kettle...I believe you have mutual blackness in common.
There really is something strange that happens to my body around Ronan. For as sore I was yesterday...I simply could not get enough of him. I long for the day when we can spend 24 hours with each other doing nothing but making love alllll day. Ok logically we'd have to stop for bathroom and meal breaks...but for the most part we could just explore each other's bodies and all the ways we can please each other.
Let's go back to the incident this morning for a moment. Where as I have faked things in the past, I have learned from my mistake and simply refuse to fake an orgasm...how else will Ronan know how to help me achieve orgasm? I could fake it...but why? Who's losing out there -ME that's who. And Ronan too I suppose...like me, he takes pride and joy in being able to please his partner.
It does bother me that he seemed to be OK with him not cuming this morning but that it was not acceptable if I didn't. I too love to please and half my pleasure it pleasing him. And maybe we do have to have a discussion about faking it.
Now I know I've already posted about this...but I am actually wondering more and more about the Fake Male Orgasm.
Sometimes I can' t feel it. I'm not kidding. I'm a bit of a flooder if things are working well for me...and if I have an orgasm (or many) then I get a lot wetter. I've even experienced that illusive Female Ejaculation (twice with Ronan) which of course just soaks all the bed linen and is a bit embarrassing - though I don't think Ronan actually noticed or if he did, didn't care.
So...during an average love making session I will probably have roughly 2-3 orgasms. This means I'm so lubed up I can't feel any other "foreign" liquids. Also, Ronan isn't "cut" so sometimes his semen gets trapped as it were and so there isn't much in me to begin with (or should that be 'end with'?).
Could HE be faking?
Obviously he can't fake it during oral sex, and I admit that I do love my vitamin R in the morning. I am sad when he won't let me play until he scores, but I do understand that men and women are different. It took me YEARS to have my first orgasm with a partner and another year to learn how to have one nearly every time. And with Ronan I think I have been EXTREMELY lucky and have been able to cum pretty much all the time...the exception was yesterday when I was simply just too sensitive from my countless other orgasms!
Ah well. Can't wait until Friday night...dinner, U2 concert and then lots and lots of bed time play!
3 Months and counting and I STILL can't get enough of this man...both in and out of the bedroom.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Blame the oven cleaner!
I've cleaned my oven today.
I want to make this point very clear. I went out and bought that "Easy Off" industrial oven cleaner and got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed my tiny oven spotless! The fumes were amazing - I can't remember it ever being so stinky or horrible and I had the kitchen window open, the patio door in the living room open as well as the fan on the oven going.
I need you to understand that I was exposed to these fumes for approximately 30 minutes. I think that it will help to know this as I go into the post.
2.5 Hours prior to cleaning the oven I phoned one of my best friends Emily. She lives in Ireland and I haven't talked to her in a while so instead of a long winded email I thought I would jump on the phone and ring her. We had a WONDERFUL conversation about everything...as it is with best friends. Even though we might not talk that often, every time we do talk it's like it hasn't been 5 years since she's moved to Ireland!
Emily has gotten engaged! Hoorah!!! Robert is a lovely man and after meeting him 2 years ago I quickly decided that he is good enough for Emily. They are a great couple and madly in love. After purchasing a new car and then a condo together they are even more convinced that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. I am sooo happy for Emily!! She deserves the best, she is a wonderful woman and I love her to bits and pieces!
During her telling of the proposal (very romantic - Robert proposed while they were on a weekend getaway to Paris - lovely!) Emily asked me if I would be her maid of honour. Well...what an honour indeed!! Of course I accept!!! She is getting married in May of 2007 which happens to coincide with the same month and year that I was planning a 2 week vacation to Ireland. Hoorah! Fabulous.
I told Emily more details about Ronan and I and all the good stuff there. It was lovely to talk to her though I'm sure my phone bill will be outrageous. We talked for nearly 2 hours! Yikes! Still...totally worth it!
So after I rung off with Emily I was full of energy and decided to clean my apartment. This is when I got the bright idea to clean my oven. Good for me...I'm being very domestic and thinking about Emily and how beautiful her wedding is going to be and I began thinking about what sort of dress I would wear as her Maid of Honour.
After the oven was cleaned I decided that I had to get out of my apartment if only to get some fresh air. In a daze I wander up the street. I have no destination in mind and yet somehow I end up at the London Drugs on Davie and in the magazine aisle. Ok...there are loads of bridal mags...I pick one up...flip through it...I'm looking for bridesmaids dresses. My god there are some "risque" dresses out there.
I buy 2 magazines and some lip stick and then wander on home. I am wondering what kind of dress Emily will go for. She's a bit of a traditional woman...I can see her in a floor length gown with lots of lace but still tastefully done.
I come home and my apartment still smells like oven cleaner. I put the mags on my table and make some dinner. While I'm waiting for it to cook I flip through the mags. Page after page of wedding dress with very few bridesmaids dresses in between. I begin to dog ear some pages of the bridesmaids dresses I like and can see myself wearing. Emily has given me free reign to choose my dress as long as it's hunter green so I feel good about my "getting on it" as it were. Besides...she's coming home in September so I can show her the ones I have picked out and we can talk about whether she's happy with it. (I can't imagine why she wouldn't be...we have similar tastes).
And then it happens. I turn the page after making fun of some pretty ugly wedding gowns...and WHAM. I see the most gorgeous wedding dress EVER. I have no idea why I did this. I dog eared the page. I sat staring at the dress for what seemed like 10 minutes. I pictured myself wearing the dress...walking down the aisle...
OH MY GOD! Give my melon a shake!!! Quick...try to smooth out the dog ear on the page. YIKES. "I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy" I say to myself 3 times as fast as I can...and in doing so solidify my crazyness!
Wowzers. Flip flip flip go the pages as I frantically try to find a bridesmaid's dress to settle my eyes on. Back back back the pages go and I stare at the dress for another minute. Yes...long hair unfettered and slightly curled...maybe a butterfly necklace...WHAT??? NOOOOOOO
I close the magazine and throw it on the couch. I could still see it there...it was calling my name...I could hear it.
"Kwerkie...pick me up....just look at me....there's no harm in looking....I'm sooooo pretty! I'm exactly the sort of dress you've always dreamt of...LOOOOOOOK at MEEEEEEE"
For-get-it!
I grab the mag. Open- shut. Flip flip flip. SLAM! Nope. Not going to go crazy. I put the magazine in my closet under all my hats and scarves so as to muffle it's call.
Man that oven cleaner is strong shit!
I want to make this point very clear. I went out and bought that "Easy Off" industrial oven cleaner and got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed my tiny oven spotless! The fumes were amazing - I can't remember it ever being so stinky or horrible and I had the kitchen window open, the patio door in the living room open as well as the fan on the oven going.
I need you to understand that I was exposed to these fumes for approximately 30 minutes. I think that it will help to know this as I go into the post.
2.5 Hours prior to cleaning the oven I phoned one of my best friends Emily. She lives in Ireland and I haven't talked to her in a while so instead of a long winded email I thought I would jump on the phone and ring her. We had a WONDERFUL conversation about everything...as it is with best friends. Even though we might not talk that often, every time we do talk it's like it hasn't been 5 years since she's moved to Ireland!
Emily has gotten engaged! Hoorah!!! Robert is a lovely man and after meeting him 2 years ago I quickly decided that he is good enough for Emily. They are a great couple and madly in love. After purchasing a new car and then a condo together they are even more convinced that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. I am sooo happy for Emily!! She deserves the best, she is a wonderful woman and I love her to bits and pieces!
During her telling of the proposal (very romantic - Robert proposed while they were on a weekend getaway to Paris - lovely!) Emily asked me if I would be her maid of honour. Well...what an honour indeed!! Of course I accept!!! She is getting married in May of 2007 which happens to coincide with the same month and year that I was planning a 2 week vacation to Ireland. Hoorah! Fabulous.
I told Emily more details about Ronan and I and all the good stuff there. It was lovely to talk to her though I'm sure my phone bill will be outrageous. We talked for nearly 2 hours! Yikes! Still...totally worth it!
So after I rung off with Emily I was full of energy and decided to clean my apartment. This is when I got the bright idea to clean my oven. Good for me...I'm being very domestic and thinking about Emily and how beautiful her wedding is going to be and I began thinking about what sort of dress I would wear as her Maid of Honour.
After the oven was cleaned I decided that I had to get out of my apartment if only to get some fresh air. In a daze I wander up the street. I have no destination in mind and yet somehow I end up at the London Drugs on Davie and in the magazine aisle. Ok...there are loads of bridal mags...I pick one up...flip through it...I'm looking for bridesmaids dresses. My god there are some "risque" dresses out there.
I buy 2 magazines and some lip stick and then wander on home. I am wondering what kind of dress Emily will go for. She's a bit of a traditional woman...I can see her in a floor length gown with lots of lace but still tastefully done.
I come home and my apartment still smells like oven cleaner. I put the mags on my table and make some dinner. While I'm waiting for it to cook I flip through the mags. Page after page of wedding dress with very few bridesmaids dresses in between. I begin to dog ear some pages of the bridesmaids dresses I like and can see myself wearing. Emily has given me free reign to choose my dress as long as it's hunter green so I feel good about my "getting on it" as it were. Besides...she's coming home in September so I can show her the ones I have picked out and we can talk about whether she's happy with it. (I can't imagine why she wouldn't be...we have similar tastes).
And then it happens. I turn the page after making fun of some pretty ugly wedding gowns...and WHAM. I see the most gorgeous wedding dress EVER. I have no idea why I did this. I dog eared the page. I sat staring at the dress for what seemed like 10 minutes. I pictured myself wearing the dress...walking down the aisle...
OH MY GOD! Give my melon a shake!!! Quick...try to smooth out the dog ear on the page. YIKES. "I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy" I say to myself 3 times as fast as I can...and in doing so solidify my crazyness!
Wowzers. Flip flip flip go the pages as I frantically try to find a bridesmaid's dress to settle my eyes on. Back back back the pages go and I stare at the dress for another minute. Yes...long hair unfettered and slightly curled...maybe a butterfly necklace...WHAT??? NOOOOOOO
I close the magazine and throw it on the couch. I could still see it there...it was calling my name...I could hear it.
"Kwerkie...pick me up....just look at me....there's no harm in looking....I'm sooooo pretty! I'm exactly the sort of dress you've always dreamt of...LOOOOOOOK at MEEEEEEE"
For-get-it!
I grab the mag. Open- shut. Flip flip flip. SLAM! Nope. Not going to go crazy. I put the magazine in my closet under all my hats and scarves so as to muffle it's call.
Man that oven cleaner is strong shit!
Thursday, April 21, 2005
The bag is open...but the cat may still be inside.
First off...just a comment on the recent comments. I very much appreciate all of them even if I don't agree with all of them...though that hasn't happened in a while - my not agreeing I mean. One thing I do find interesting is that all the men are commenting on the recent posts...ne pas de female perspective - though I guess all my posts ARE from a female perspective...still...thought it was interesting that the guys were on board but the girls haven't said a peep.
Ok...next. Giermo - I love the question! It's a bit of a tricky one as you have seen in the past with the dilemma of dates being blogged and knowing it.
Does anyone remember this post ? This was me giving Ronan access to my blog. We talked about it at length. He knew I wrote online and he knew it was about my personal life and specifically relationships/dating/sex. He often asked if he could see it and I brought up the past issues. I was nervous about it.
He explained that he wanted to know me...all parts of me and especially my writing as I am so passionate about it. This all sounded so lovely...but yet I was still hesitant. We came up with a sort of compromise. I would select postings and read them to him...I would edit a bit if I felt the need. He accepted this.
When I started writing more about him and reading some of those postings to him he was excited and seemed happy that I would want to share my thoughts on him with the world. Then he began asking for full access to the blog. Still I was hesitant.
As you can tell by my last few postings...I use this as a sounding board as much as anything. Sometimes I write when I am ripe with emotions and I may not be as kind as I would be after I calmed down. So my main concern was this :how he would react to a negative posting about him?
After struggling with it for a while I decided to give him full access and deal with the consequences as they happened. Ronan told me that he deleted the link to my site because he didn't want me to feel pressured into giving it to him. He felt that we could maintain the way things were...I could chose to read him posts and that would be that.
I believe that someone reading The Single Files *does* get an inside view into my head. This can be both very positive and fairly negative. For instance, sometimes I write when I'm angry, sometimes I write when I'm sad...all my emotions come out in my posts and this can be overwhelming to some people...especially if they are involved in why I am having those emotions. I don't use The Single Files to hurt anyone's feelings, but I admit that sometimes it may happen. Just like a flippant comment you make to one person might hurt their feelings, sometimes my posts might offend someone.
On the flip side of that...look how gooey I am over Ronan...if he is indeed reading my posts than he pretty much knows how I feel and there is less guess work involved. However, I am, as you can probably tell, a pretty open person. There is no secret to how I feel about most things. When I'm hurt, happy, sad, delighted...everyone will know.
I am also a big believer in communication - not just with my partner, but with EVERYONE in my life. That way you maintain healthy happy relationships, friendships and all that good stuff.
So I read Ronan the postings about our hic-ups and he was so shocked that I could write about possibly ending things with him - it was the tag line of this posting. Then I read him This one ( I am way braver than I ever imagined - that was a risky posting to read) and he was elated.
Sometimes I wonder if he does read The Single Files...he makes comments that I think sometimes refer to my posts. I don't mind...I knew what I was doing when I gave him the link.
So yes...I have opened the bag and though I suspect the cat has slinked out...there are no definite signs of it.
Ok...next. Giermo - I love the question! It's a bit of a tricky one as you have seen in the past with the dilemma of dates being blogged and knowing it.
Does anyone remember this post ? This was me giving Ronan access to my blog. We talked about it at length. He knew I wrote online and he knew it was about my personal life and specifically relationships/dating/sex. He often asked if he could see it and I brought up the past issues. I was nervous about it.
He explained that he wanted to know me...all parts of me and especially my writing as I am so passionate about it. This all sounded so lovely...but yet I was still hesitant. We came up with a sort of compromise. I would select postings and read them to him...I would edit a bit if I felt the need. He accepted this.
When I started writing more about him and reading some of those postings to him he was excited and seemed happy that I would want to share my thoughts on him with the world. Then he began asking for full access to the blog. Still I was hesitant.
As you can tell by my last few postings...I use this as a sounding board as much as anything. Sometimes I write when I am ripe with emotions and I may not be as kind as I would be after I calmed down. So my main concern was this :how he would react to a negative posting about him?
After struggling with it for a while I decided to give him full access and deal with the consequences as they happened. Ronan told me that he deleted the link to my site because he didn't want me to feel pressured into giving it to him. He felt that we could maintain the way things were...I could chose to read him posts and that would be that.
I believe that someone reading The Single Files *does* get an inside view into my head. This can be both very positive and fairly negative. For instance, sometimes I write when I'm angry, sometimes I write when I'm sad...all my emotions come out in my posts and this can be overwhelming to some people...especially if they are involved in why I am having those emotions. I don't use The Single Files to hurt anyone's feelings, but I admit that sometimes it may happen. Just like a flippant comment you make to one person might hurt their feelings, sometimes my posts might offend someone.
On the flip side of that...look how gooey I am over Ronan...if he is indeed reading my posts than he pretty much knows how I feel and there is less guess work involved. However, I am, as you can probably tell, a pretty open person. There is no secret to how I feel about most things. When I'm hurt, happy, sad, delighted...everyone will know.
I am also a big believer in communication - not just with my partner, but with EVERYONE in my life. That way you maintain healthy happy relationships, friendships and all that good stuff.
So I read Ronan the postings about our hic-ups and he was so shocked that I could write about possibly ending things with him - it was the tag line of this posting. Then I read him This one ( I am way braver than I ever imagined - that was a risky posting to read) and he was elated.
Sometimes I wonder if he does read The Single Files...he makes comments that I think sometimes refer to my posts. I don't mind...I knew what I was doing when I gave him the link.
So yes...I have opened the bag and though I suspect the cat has slinked out...there are no definite signs of it.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
The Name Game
Giermo brings up a very good point from my previous post. Name calling is very much a part of a relationship...I'm not talking about the horrible names we may call our girlfriends/boyfriends when we are angry beyond belief etc (and I am totally against that btw)...but the pet names we have for people in our lives.
I do call Aramous "baby". All the time. It wasn't a fox pass that occurred because I was sleepy...I recognized his voice and called him by his pet name. I don't remember the last time that I didn't' call him "baby"...maybe it was within the first few weeks of getting to know him that I refrained...but since we've grown closer as friends I have called him "baby" ever since. (I am using the lower case b to distinguish the "degree" of babyness)
I call Pedro by a cutesy wootsie nick name that I have no idea if he hates or not. I have nick names for my girl friends too. Juanita is also Baby or sometimes Babycakes, Janice is Dude...so is Vera but I say Vera's a-la Joey from friends tone of voice. Even Lady K has been called baby more times than I can count!
Ronan did ask me what the difference is from when I call him "Baby, or Sweetheart, or Sweetpea or Sweets" etc and when I use "baby" for Aramous or use Pedro's nick name (which I can't reveal else it will reveal his true identity - which isn't fair).
Mostly it's an internal thing. It's the way I feel when I say it. When I call Aramous "baby" I have a different voice. When I call Ronan "Baby" or any of the other various lovey dovey nick names I use for him I believe my voice is softer...I feel like every time I am calling him those names to him that I am actually telling him that I love him.
I don't believe that Ronan was calling me by his ex's name to "get back at me" but I do think it happened because we were having a heated discussion. In fact...he's called me by her name on 3 occasions and all 3 times there were some pretty heavy emotions going on - especially yesterday.
I did talk to Ronan again last night...and we basically went over *EVERYTHING*. Thank god. I feel sooo much better!! I told him what I needed from a relationship, what I wanted, and what I wouldn't put up with. He listened to me without interrupting and agreed with everything I said. Hoorah.
He then talked about his feelings...how he feels vulnerable around me sometimes, that he doesn't want to lose me etc. He also talked about his defense mechanisms and how he can be sometimes insecure/jealous if another man is affectionate towards me. He doesn't have many female friends and the ones he does have are not as touchy-feely as me, so it's a bit new for him to see a woman be affectionate to just her guy friends.
Now...to be clear, it's not like I'm frenching any of my guy friends or groping them inappropriately in their bathing suit area. I am a very touchy-feely kinda gal. I love hugs and give them often. I am also an arm grabber or leg toucher when I am laughing at a particularly funny story. This is doled out indiscriminately...male or female - though I rarely touch strangers.
So the news of the day is this: Ronan and I talked it out. We both put our cards on the table as it were and talked about what a relationship means to us and what we want. We agree that we are on the same page.
One thing I wanted to point out to him is that we do have time on our side. There is no rush. Let's just see where this goes. We're both crazy about each other, we both have our own unique insecurities and as long as we deal with them openly and honestly then I'm sure we are on our way to building a solid loving relationship. Let's just take things as they come.
I do call Aramous "baby". All the time. It wasn't a fox pass that occurred because I was sleepy...I recognized his voice and called him by his pet name. I don't remember the last time that I didn't' call him "baby"...maybe it was within the first few weeks of getting to know him that I refrained...but since we've grown closer as friends I have called him "baby" ever since. (I am using the lower case b to distinguish the "degree" of babyness)
I call Pedro by a cutesy wootsie nick name that I have no idea if he hates or not. I have nick names for my girl friends too. Juanita is also Baby or sometimes Babycakes, Janice is Dude...so is Vera but I say Vera's a-la Joey from friends tone of voice. Even Lady K has been called baby more times than I can count!
Ronan did ask me what the difference is from when I call him "Baby, or Sweetheart, or Sweetpea or Sweets" etc and when I use "baby" for Aramous or use Pedro's nick name (which I can't reveal else it will reveal his true identity - which isn't fair).
Mostly it's an internal thing. It's the way I feel when I say it. When I call Aramous "baby" I have a different voice. When I call Ronan "Baby" or any of the other various lovey dovey nick names I use for him I believe my voice is softer...I feel like every time I am calling him those names to him that I am actually telling him that I love him.
I don't believe that Ronan was calling me by his ex's name to "get back at me" but I do think it happened because we were having a heated discussion. In fact...he's called me by her name on 3 occasions and all 3 times there were some pretty heavy emotions going on - especially yesterday.
I did talk to Ronan again last night...and we basically went over *EVERYTHING*. Thank god. I feel sooo much better!! I told him what I needed from a relationship, what I wanted, and what I wouldn't put up with. He listened to me without interrupting and agreed with everything I said. Hoorah.
He then talked about his feelings...how he feels vulnerable around me sometimes, that he doesn't want to lose me etc. He also talked about his defense mechanisms and how he can be sometimes insecure/jealous if another man is affectionate towards me. He doesn't have many female friends and the ones he does have are not as touchy-feely as me, so it's a bit new for him to see a woman be affectionate to just her guy friends.
Now...to be clear, it's not like I'm frenching any of my guy friends or groping them inappropriately in their bathing suit area. I am a very touchy-feely kinda gal. I love hugs and give them often. I am also an arm grabber or leg toucher when I am laughing at a particularly funny story. This is doled out indiscriminately...male or female - though I rarely touch strangers.
So the news of the day is this: Ronan and I talked it out. We both put our cards on the table as it were and talked about what a relationship means to us and what we want. We agree that we are on the same page.
One thing I wanted to point out to him is that we do have time on our side. There is no rush. Let's just see where this goes. We're both crazy about each other, we both have our own unique insecurities and as long as we deal with them openly and honestly then I'm sure we are on our way to building a solid loving relationship. Let's just take things as they come.
Monday, April 18, 2005
A bump in the road?
I'm feeling frustrated.
Ronan and I talked most of Sunday night...then we met up on Monday and talked some more, had a WONDERFUL dinner - things were going so well...and then WHAMO!
Ronan makes flippant comments about cheating - hooking up with girls...still trolling lavalife for "fun". I told him how this makes me feel badly and that I really don't like it etc. I asked him why he keeps saying these things? He said it was just an offhand remark. Something happened then and I'm not sure what it was - but he stopped being as affectionate to me. We crawled into bed and he turned away from me.
Hurt and confused I tried to get him to talk to me about it but he wouldn't.
Then something strange happened.
Aramous phones at 11:50PM and I answer the phone. I call Aramous "baby" and we have a brief and awkward conversation - I was waking up...it was nearly midnight when he called.
Ronan is now even more distant to me. Upset that I could call someone else "baby", upset that it was a man who I did go out with and that it didn't matter if it was only one date. I don't think that Ronan believes men and women can be friends and affectionate with each other. He believes that friends don't hug or kiss etc and now he needs to decide if he can be around "that".
He also says that he doesn't like the "restrictions" I have put on him. This is coming from a man that not 5 hrs prior was professing his love and talking about marriage etc. How can I reconcile his wanting to still troll through lavalife and him saying that he doesn't want to be with anyone else? If that is true...why bother looking?
Just when you think it can't get any worse...it does!!! In the morning he is still distant. No morning cuddles...no fooling around....nothing. I try to talk to him about it before he leaves...and then....and then...THEN he calls me by his ex girlfriend's name! WTF???
Somehow I managed NOT to slap him. Amazing self restraint on my part I do believe.
He leaves and I am upset.
I get ready for work and on my way to work I call him. We chat. I don't feel any better and nothing is resolved.
We meet for lunch. We chat. Some things are cleared up. We are both in agreement that his behaviour makes no sense. I'd like to point out that whereas recognition is half the battle...it doesn't change the fact that he shut me out and pouted over nothing.
His insecurity with my male friends is unwarranted. I have never, not ONCE, cheated on ANY of my boyfriends. I came very very close to once and most people would believe it would be justified. The German was cheating on me after all...would have been tit for tat. HOWEVER! I am just not the type of person that would do that. As unhappy as I was, as tempted as I was...I did not pursue it and removed myself from the "danger zone" as it were. I've had 3 relationships where my boyfriend had cheated on me...I know what that feels like and it's really shitty. I would not inflict that on someone else.
Besides that...I'm not a very good liar (I can never remember the details) and the GUILT of having cheated on someone would eat me alive....ALIVE I tell you!!!!
What I want to do here is build a solid, trusting, loving relationship with Ronan. And that can only happen if we talk about this shit-house behaviour and resolve it. If it doesn't change...then things are going to look a whole lot different. I'd be single again and would have to cut my hair.
Kwerkie - wanting long flowing tresses.
Ronan and I talked most of Sunday night...then we met up on Monday and talked some more, had a WONDERFUL dinner - things were going so well...and then WHAMO!
Ronan makes flippant comments about cheating - hooking up with girls...still trolling lavalife for "fun". I told him how this makes me feel badly and that I really don't like it etc. I asked him why he keeps saying these things? He said it was just an offhand remark. Something happened then and I'm not sure what it was - but he stopped being as affectionate to me. We crawled into bed and he turned away from me.
Hurt and confused I tried to get him to talk to me about it but he wouldn't.
Then something strange happened.
Aramous phones at 11:50PM and I answer the phone. I call Aramous "baby" and we have a brief and awkward conversation - I was waking up...it was nearly midnight when he called.
Ronan is now even more distant to me. Upset that I could call someone else "baby", upset that it was a man who I did go out with and that it didn't matter if it was only one date. I don't think that Ronan believes men and women can be friends and affectionate with each other. He believes that friends don't hug or kiss etc and now he needs to decide if he can be around "that".
He also says that he doesn't like the "restrictions" I have put on him. This is coming from a man that not 5 hrs prior was professing his love and talking about marriage etc. How can I reconcile his wanting to still troll through lavalife and him saying that he doesn't want to be with anyone else? If that is true...why bother looking?
Just when you think it can't get any worse...it does!!! In the morning he is still distant. No morning cuddles...no fooling around....nothing. I try to talk to him about it before he leaves...and then....and then...THEN he calls me by his ex girlfriend's name! WTF???
Somehow I managed NOT to slap him. Amazing self restraint on my part I do believe.
He leaves and I am upset.
I get ready for work and on my way to work I call him. We chat. I don't feel any better and nothing is resolved.
We meet for lunch. We chat. Some things are cleared up. We are both in agreement that his behaviour makes no sense. I'd like to point out that whereas recognition is half the battle...it doesn't change the fact that he shut me out and pouted over nothing.
His insecurity with my male friends is unwarranted. I have never, not ONCE, cheated on ANY of my boyfriends. I came very very close to once and most people would believe it would be justified. The German was cheating on me after all...would have been tit for tat. HOWEVER! I am just not the type of person that would do that. As unhappy as I was, as tempted as I was...I did not pursue it and removed myself from the "danger zone" as it were. I've had 3 relationships where my boyfriend had cheated on me...I know what that feels like and it's really shitty. I would not inflict that on someone else.
Besides that...I'm not a very good liar (I can never remember the details) and the GUILT of having cheated on someone would eat me alive....ALIVE I tell you!!!!
What I want to do here is build a solid, trusting, loving relationship with Ronan. And that can only happen if we talk about this shit-house behaviour and resolve it. If it doesn't change...then things are going to look a whole lot different. I'd be single again and would have to cut my hair.
Kwerkie - wanting long flowing tresses.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Deafening silence.
I am at a total loss and feel so low that I don't' think I could sink any further.
Here I am back from Sun Peaks and I haven't heard from Ronan since Tuesday night. Well...*technically* I did speak with him on Wed. Our 2 conversations were less than 1 minute long and he didn't seem to want to talk to me at all - rushing me off the phone faster than Japanese Guards pushing commuters on the Bullet Train.
He bailed on the lunch date and driving me to the airport to handle some personal and important errands. Whereas I understand that...I have not yet heard boo from him since. I have called admittedly too many times.
Here is what his silence is telling me. He's just not that into me.
How can this possibly be??? He tells me he loves me, we talk about the future together, all signs before WED seemed to point in the direction of a serious relationship between us. However...after making several attempts to call him - he has ignored me. I even pleaded with him in tears on 2 messages. Ronan has call display - he knows it's me calling. He is purposely cutting me off and this is extremely upsetting. I know that there is nothing I have done to warrant this behaviour.
If things did not go well for him on Wed why shut me out? Am I not supposed to be his Rock? The person that is there for him, to love and support him through thick and thin? Why face troubles alone when he knows that I love him and would do anything I could to help him?
This deliberate silence on his part is painful. I can't call him now...it's up to him. He has my schedule..knows I'm home tonight.
Part of me wished he would be there at the airport to meet me...surprise me. The disappointment was Acme Anvil Sized and landed right in my stomach when it was glaringly obvious that not only was he not there...but that the chances of him thinking to meet me were slim to begin with. I wanted to cry but didn't.
What upsets me the most is what I am hearing by his continued silence is that he just doesn't care.
Am I crazy?
Here I am back from Sun Peaks and I haven't heard from Ronan since Tuesday night. Well...*technically* I did speak with him on Wed. Our 2 conversations were less than 1 minute long and he didn't seem to want to talk to me at all - rushing me off the phone faster than Japanese Guards pushing commuters on the Bullet Train.
He bailed on the lunch date and driving me to the airport to handle some personal and important errands. Whereas I understand that...I have not yet heard boo from him since. I have called admittedly too many times.
Here is what his silence is telling me. He's just not that into me.
How can this possibly be??? He tells me he loves me, we talk about the future together, all signs before WED seemed to point in the direction of a serious relationship between us. However...after making several attempts to call him - he has ignored me. I even pleaded with him in tears on 2 messages. Ronan has call display - he knows it's me calling. He is purposely cutting me off and this is extremely upsetting. I know that there is nothing I have done to warrant this behaviour.
If things did not go well for him on Wed why shut me out? Am I not supposed to be his Rock? The person that is there for him, to love and support him through thick and thin? Why face troubles alone when he knows that I love him and would do anything I could to help him?
This deliberate silence on his part is painful. I can't call him now...it's up to him. He has my schedule..knows I'm home tonight.
Part of me wished he would be there at the airport to meet me...surprise me. The disappointment was Acme Anvil Sized and landed right in my stomach when it was glaringly obvious that not only was he not there...but that the chances of him thinking to meet me were slim to begin with. I wanted to cry but didn't.
What upsets me the most is what I am hearing by his continued silence is that he just doesn't care.
Am I crazy?
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Space - the final frontier
Ronan and I have seen each other every day for the past 5 days...I will not be seeing him tonight, but will see him again on Wednesday. In fact....I'm taking him to lunch on WED and hoping he'll drive me to the airport for my flight up to Sun Peaks (work stuff).
Normally when I see someone for 3 days in a row I get all wiggy and start wanting my own space and needing time on my own etc. With Ronan...I actually look forward to seeing him every day. This is a strange new feeling. I actually *want* to see him every day. How bizarre! I've never wanted to spend this much time with anyone.
I'm sure that I still need my own time, time to laundry if nothing else! But for now this seems like a comfortable pattern for me. Initially when we started having sleep overs I couldn't sleep well beside Ronan as I just wasn't used to someone being in my bed. Now on the night's when we are apart...I can't sleep well because I'm too used to having him in my bed! It's a funny feeling...comfortable and surprising.
I do not want to get all caught up in Ronan and not touch base with my friends (I can clearly picture Lady K, Aramous and Pedro all cocking one eye brow at me each...not that they only have 1 eye brow between them....but y'know what I mean). I still need my girls nights out...though to be honest there weren't that many before I started dating Ronan.
I'm 30...most of my friends are in my same age range give or take 4 years or so. How did life get so busy? When I was younger and going to University every weekend was girls night out or parties with friends. Now I'm lucky to do that more than five times a year!
Tonight I am doing laundry and packing for my trip tomorrow. It's late. When I am back from Sun Peaks I am going to make SERIOUS plans to meet up with everyone...Individually or a group..I don't mind. I want to keep the important people in my life close and not lose touch...they are my reality checks.
I talked to Ronan for over an hour tonight...still doesn't feel like enough but I don't actually have anything pressing to share with him. He's working late tonight.
I wonder how I'll sleep tonight. I can always cuddle up to his pillow...his scent lingering there is better than no reminder at all.
Normally when I see someone for 3 days in a row I get all wiggy and start wanting my own space and needing time on my own etc. With Ronan...I actually look forward to seeing him every day. This is a strange new feeling. I actually *want* to see him every day. How bizarre! I've never wanted to spend this much time with anyone.
I'm sure that I still need my own time, time to laundry if nothing else! But for now this seems like a comfortable pattern for me. Initially when we started having sleep overs I couldn't sleep well beside Ronan as I just wasn't used to someone being in my bed. Now on the night's when we are apart...I can't sleep well because I'm too used to having him in my bed! It's a funny feeling...comfortable and surprising.
I do not want to get all caught up in Ronan and not touch base with my friends (I can clearly picture Lady K, Aramous and Pedro all cocking one eye brow at me each...not that they only have 1 eye brow between them....but y'know what I mean). I still need my girls nights out...though to be honest there weren't that many before I started dating Ronan.
I'm 30...most of my friends are in my same age range give or take 4 years or so. How did life get so busy? When I was younger and going to University every weekend was girls night out or parties with friends. Now I'm lucky to do that more than five times a year!
Tonight I am doing laundry and packing for my trip tomorrow. It's late. When I am back from Sun Peaks I am going to make SERIOUS plans to meet up with everyone...Individually or a group..I don't mind. I want to keep the important people in my life close and not lose touch...they are my reality checks.
I talked to Ronan for over an hour tonight...still doesn't feel like enough but I don't actually have anything pressing to share with him. He's working late tonight.
I wonder how I'll sleep tonight. I can always cuddle up to his pillow...his scent lingering there is better than no reminder at all.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Tiaras vs. Helmets - round 1
*DING*
The bell has now sounded on the fight between me wanting to wear the Tiara and needing to wear the Helmet.
I'm a wee bit of a tomboy. Sort of. I love to be all girly...wear pink (I actually do like the colour pink - though I'd say that burgundy would be my favourite colour) skirts, dresses, high heels...but I also love wearing jeans and a t-shirt, sweatpants and men's shorts (don't ask...just accept).
I have been VERY brave recently. When I was in New Orleans I bought some lingerie. Really sexy stuff...the outfits even came with thongs! I NEVER wear thongs! I would rather opt for nothing than wear a thong. Still...I was compelled by a force stronger than myself.
My favourite of the 2 outfits I wore when I once again met up with Ronan after being apart from him for 2 weeks. It's a dress type little number...see-through of course....black with pink spaghetti straps and a bit of pink lace up the sides and around the bottom...which is barely long enough to cover *my* bottom. The thong is black with pink straps as well with just the right amount of pink detailing on the front.
The thing about wearing very sexy lingerie is that you can't help but feel sexy. I waffled between feeling like a confident sex kitten to feeling somewhat shy - convinced that everyone could see my thong under my skirt. Still...I think that my outfit was a big hit with Ronan. I am still amazed that we made it through dinner without ripping each other's clothes off...though I guess they frown at that sort of thing at the Cactus Club. teehee.
So my questions is this....how do I balance the desire to be feminine and lady like with my real need for rough and tumble outside pursuits? I want to wear make up and be very much a woman when I am around Ronan...but I also want to be able to hike up a mountain and get a bit dirty while still being thought of as the sexiest woman alive in his opinion. Short of buying pink hiking boots I am at a loss.
I'd like to think that I can be sexy in my sweat pants and tank tops but alas Ronan has made several comments that prevents me from wearing them in his presence. Sometimes the clothes do not make the goddess.
Looks like another rainy weekend in store for us here in Vancouver...maybe I should buy pink wellingtons.
Kwerkie
The bell has now sounded on the fight between me wanting to wear the Tiara and needing to wear the Helmet.
I'm a wee bit of a tomboy. Sort of. I love to be all girly...wear pink (I actually do like the colour pink - though I'd say that burgundy would be my favourite colour) skirts, dresses, high heels...but I also love wearing jeans and a t-shirt, sweatpants and men's shorts (don't ask...just accept).
I have been VERY brave recently. When I was in New Orleans I bought some lingerie. Really sexy stuff...the outfits even came with thongs! I NEVER wear thongs! I would rather opt for nothing than wear a thong. Still...I was compelled by a force stronger than myself.
My favourite of the 2 outfits I wore when I once again met up with Ronan after being apart from him for 2 weeks. It's a dress type little number...see-through of course....black with pink spaghetti straps and a bit of pink lace up the sides and around the bottom...which is barely long enough to cover *my* bottom. The thong is black with pink straps as well with just the right amount of pink detailing on the front.
The thing about wearing very sexy lingerie is that you can't help but feel sexy. I waffled between feeling like a confident sex kitten to feeling somewhat shy - convinced that everyone could see my thong under my skirt. Still...I think that my outfit was a big hit with Ronan. I am still amazed that we made it through dinner without ripping each other's clothes off...though I guess they frown at that sort of thing at the Cactus Club. teehee.
So my questions is this....how do I balance the desire to be feminine and lady like with my real need for rough and tumble outside pursuits? I want to wear make up and be very much a woman when I am around Ronan...but I also want to be able to hike up a mountain and get a bit dirty while still being thought of as the sexiest woman alive in his opinion. Short of buying pink hiking boots I am at a loss.
I'd like to think that I can be sexy in my sweat pants and tank tops but alas Ronan has made several comments that prevents me from wearing them in his presence. Sometimes the clothes do not make the goddess.
Looks like another rainy weekend in store for us here in Vancouver...maybe I should buy pink wellingtons.
Kwerkie
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
A belief in Melons
I think I mentioned before that one of my all time favourite movies is "When Harry Met Sally". I love the stories in between the story...the interviews with the old couples and their stories of how they met and how they got married etc.
My favourite couple interview is the one of Ernie Small and his wife. He crossed the room to talk to her and she though he was crossing the room to talk to her friend Maxine ("men often crossed rooms to talk to Maxine") but he came to talk to her instead. He said "Hi. I'm Ernie Small of the Coney Island Smalls" and she interjects "I knew at that moment...the way you know about a good melon".
I want to believe in melons. I think I actually DO believe in melons and I'm just timid in admitting it.
Both of my brothers are married...quite happily so it seems. I am really close with both my brothers and their wives, it's quite refreshing and lovely and I think it might be something rare as well. Not many people I know are as close-knit with their families as I am. Don't get me wrong...we have our fair share of fights and dysfunctions...but for the most part we get along famously. I love them all.
I remember talking to Kelsey (my oldest brother's wife) and asking her how she "knew" that Don (my brother) was the one. She said she just knew. Couldn't explain it...but just felt it The way you know that spring follows winter and summer follows spring. You might have learned it at one point but it's so ingrained in you...you just feel it rather than think about it. I had the same conversation with Delilah (my other brother's wife) years later. She said pretty much the same thing.
I don't believe in "Love at first sight" but I do believe in an Instant Connection. A spark or fluttery feeling or some sort of significant energy passing through and between 2 people when they meet. I felt that immediately with Ronan. I broke my own "First Date Rule" and kissed him! I wanted to kiss him within the first 20 minutes of us meeting...crazy stuff.
As I mentioned before, my feelings for Ronan don't consume me. This is a significant difference from all my past relationships. I often felt like my emotions were frantic - out of control...that I was really engulfed in them and most of my behaviour was irrational, hasty and flighty. I'm not plotting out my every move with Ronan, rather I feel that things are developing very naturally between us. I am not trying to force anything to happen, I am just enjoying things as they unfold.
Ronan comes home from his business trip on Friday and I can't wait to see him. It has been 15 days since I have seen him and I really miss him. Though I might never tell him this...I even miss his snoring! And because I am admitting all sorts of silliness here I will tell you what I miss the absolute most. In the moments when I am first awake in the morning I will cuddle up to Ronan and get wrapped up in his arms, once I am there I listen to the steady rhythm of his breathing and feel the quiet thud of his heart on my back, and in those silent moments I feel the most connected to him and believe whole heartedly in melons.
My favourite couple interview is the one of Ernie Small and his wife. He crossed the room to talk to her and she though he was crossing the room to talk to her friend Maxine ("men often crossed rooms to talk to Maxine") but he came to talk to her instead. He said "Hi. I'm Ernie Small of the Coney Island Smalls" and she interjects "I knew at that moment...the way you know about a good melon".
I want to believe in melons. I think I actually DO believe in melons and I'm just timid in admitting it.
Both of my brothers are married...quite happily so it seems. I am really close with both my brothers and their wives, it's quite refreshing and lovely and I think it might be something rare as well. Not many people I know are as close-knit with their families as I am. Don't get me wrong...we have our fair share of fights and dysfunctions...but for the most part we get along famously. I love them all.
I remember talking to Kelsey (my oldest brother's wife) and asking her how she "knew" that Don (my brother) was the one. She said she just knew. Couldn't explain it...but just felt it The way you know that spring follows winter and summer follows spring. You might have learned it at one point but it's so ingrained in you...you just feel it rather than think about it. I had the same conversation with Delilah (my other brother's wife) years later. She said pretty much the same thing.
I don't believe in "Love at first sight" but I do believe in an Instant Connection. A spark or fluttery feeling or some sort of significant energy passing through and between 2 people when they meet. I felt that immediately with Ronan. I broke my own "First Date Rule" and kissed him! I wanted to kiss him within the first 20 minutes of us meeting...crazy stuff.
As I mentioned before, my feelings for Ronan don't consume me. This is a significant difference from all my past relationships. I often felt like my emotions were frantic - out of control...that I was really engulfed in them and most of my behaviour was irrational, hasty and flighty. I'm not plotting out my every move with Ronan, rather I feel that things are developing very naturally between us. I am not trying to force anything to happen, I am just enjoying things as they unfold.
Ronan comes home from his business trip on Friday and I can't wait to see him. It has been 15 days since I have seen him and I really miss him. Though I might never tell him this...I even miss his snoring! And because I am admitting all sorts of silliness here I will tell you what I miss the absolute most. In the moments when I am first awake in the morning I will cuddle up to Ronan and get wrapped up in his arms, once I am there I listen to the steady rhythm of his breathing and feel the quiet thud of his heart on my back, and in those silent moments I feel the most connected to him and believe whole heartedly in melons.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
N'orlyns
New Orleans is not the kind of place one should ever go by themselves...unless you plan on meeting friends there at a later date...or making friends...or something!
United Airlines was delayed 2 hours out of Vancouver so I narrowly made my connection in Chicago and carried on to New Orleans. I arrived into New Orleans (or Norlyns as the locals call it) at just after 11PM on WED 16MAR. My luggage had other ideas and decided to party it up in Chicago for an extra day. Oh joy.
I soon made the acquaintance of 2 very young college boys who were there on Spring Break. They offered me $50.00 to sleep on my hotel floor...I firmly, but kindly, declined. I know from first hand experience what it is like to be a backpacker that has been stranded by friends who were supposed to come through but didn't, so my sympathy towards them was genuine...I just didn't feel right about having 2 strangers in my room. Besides that...for $50.00 why couldn't they have gotten a room at a cheapo hotel? Oh right...it was St. Patricks' Day Weekend....Still....no thank you.
I went to my hotel, checked in, went out for one beer and then back to my room. It was 2AM before I was back in my room and settling in for the night. What struck me as odd was that when I walked down Bourbon St back to my hotel...it was about 1:45AM and the street was literally packed with people drinking and dancing and generally carrying on. I soon realized that New Orleans doesn't sleep.
The bars are open at 9AM. They close at 6AM. there is a mandatory 3 hr closure imposed by law. This seemed like a good idea right?? Well...with all the "Beer To Go" cups you can carry...the bars don't have to really shut for you...you can be your own walking bar!
One sad sight stuck with me the entire 10 days I was there. Walking back to my hotel I spied 2 girls literally falling out of some random bar and into the street. They were scantily clad and just looking at them made me cold...it was only 3 degrees C outside. They were both desperately trying to hold each other up when a large group of young men approached them. Beads were waved in the air...pretty soon shirts were being lifted and both women bared their breasts to obtain these promised tokens of cheap glittery plastic. What struck me the most was that one girl took off her tank top completely, bobbed her young plump breasts proudly then fell face first into a street full of piss. Nice. Beads ladies....all for the want of crappy-ass beads...this woman didn't even seem to be phased and the men, satisfied with the view they had, walked on without helping her.
I promised Ronan that I wouldn't obtain any beads in the "usual" way when I was in New Orleans...after witnessing that horrible scene I decided I didn't want any beads in "any" manner...a badge of honour they were not!
10 days of New Orleans was too much. I enjoyed many parts of the city...the French Market, the Flea Market, Jackson Square, Riverwalk....I gave the Garden District a miss but took in a few above ground cemeteries just for fun.
By the time my school group arrived I was desperate for company...even that of 80 high school students whose names I would never fully learn or take much interest in knowing.
My High Schoolers were relatively well behaved...their Chaperones were far too laid back but then again...I am a bit of a worry wart. (tough to admit but it's true).
The highlight of my trip came unexpectedly. The last night of our trip and I was dancing my bum off (ok...not really...but trying to 2 step while still looking relatively graceful) at Mulate's in Beau Bridge (the Original "Cajun" Restaurant- very cool...highly recommend it...eat the Catfish). I had just finished a dance with a nice young man named Corey (who beamed at me and yelled above the loud music "Miss Kwerkie, this is the BEST THING that has happened to me my ENTIRE life!" When I found out he was only 15 I told him to wait a few years as things only got better from there on in).
*ahem* Enough digression...the best part of my trip...was an unexpected call from Ronan. I had been missing him an awful lot and though I would tell him...I was slightly worried that he didn't seem to miss me too much. However! The phone call was proof enough for me.
I had actually missed his call, but promptly phoned him back when I saw what I had missed. We didn't get to talk for too long...but those stolen moments, me in the bathroom and him in his hotel room with his partner; meant more to me than I could actually verbalize.
Ronan is still away on business and I miss him more now that I am home. What is comforting to know is that I do really love him...it's a soft feeling in my heart which grows and roars and then quiets down again...I am not consumed by it, but feel rather enhanced by it. It helps that I can cuddle up to his pillow and it still smells like our last morning together...the slight musk of sex but more the calming smell of Ronan.
The updates will be slow for the next while for a few reasons. 1) my lap top is broken and in the shop as it were (I am at a cafe right now waiting for my MSN date with Ronan) and 2) it is CRAZY busy season at work until mid May...my spare time will likely be few and far between.
There is an Acadian saying in N'Orlyn...and it means "Let the good times roll" but I can't spell it en Francais....TinFoiled?? a wee bit of help here?
A biento
Kwerkie
United Airlines was delayed 2 hours out of Vancouver so I narrowly made my connection in Chicago and carried on to New Orleans. I arrived into New Orleans (or Norlyns as the locals call it) at just after 11PM on WED 16MAR. My luggage had other ideas and decided to party it up in Chicago for an extra day. Oh joy.
I soon made the acquaintance of 2 very young college boys who were there on Spring Break. They offered me $50.00 to sleep on my hotel floor...I firmly, but kindly, declined. I know from first hand experience what it is like to be a backpacker that has been stranded by friends who were supposed to come through but didn't, so my sympathy towards them was genuine...I just didn't feel right about having 2 strangers in my room. Besides that...for $50.00 why couldn't they have gotten a room at a cheapo hotel? Oh right...it was St. Patricks' Day Weekend....Still....no thank you.
I went to my hotel, checked in, went out for one beer and then back to my room. It was 2AM before I was back in my room and settling in for the night. What struck me as odd was that when I walked down Bourbon St back to my hotel...it was about 1:45AM and the street was literally packed with people drinking and dancing and generally carrying on. I soon realized that New Orleans doesn't sleep.
The bars are open at 9AM. They close at 6AM. there is a mandatory 3 hr closure imposed by law. This seemed like a good idea right?? Well...with all the "Beer To Go" cups you can carry...the bars don't have to really shut for you...you can be your own walking bar!
One sad sight stuck with me the entire 10 days I was there. Walking back to my hotel I spied 2 girls literally falling out of some random bar and into the street. They were scantily clad and just looking at them made me cold...it was only 3 degrees C outside. They were both desperately trying to hold each other up when a large group of young men approached them. Beads were waved in the air...pretty soon shirts were being lifted and both women bared their breasts to obtain these promised tokens of cheap glittery plastic. What struck me the most was that one girl took off her tank top completely, bobbed her young plump breasts proudly then fell face first into a street full of piss. Nice. Beads ladies....all for the want of crappy-ass beads...this woman didn't even seem to be phased and the men, satisfied with the view they had, walked on without helping her.
I promised Ronan that I wouldn't obtain any beads in the "usual" way when I was in New Orleans...after witnessing that horrible scene I decided I didn't want any beads in "any" manner...a badge of honour they were not!
10 days of New Orleans was too much. I enjoyed many parts of the city...the French Market, the Flea Market, Jackson Square, Riverwalk....I gave the Garden District a miss but took in a few above ground cemeteries just for fun.
By the time my school group arrived I was desperate for company...even that of 80 high school students whose names I would never fully learn or take much interest in knowing.
My High Schoolers were relatively well behaved...their Chaperones were far too laid back but then again...I am a bit of a worry wart. (tough to admit but it's true).
The highlight of my trip came unexpectedly. The last night of our trip and I was dancing my bum off (ok...not really...but trying to 2 step while still looking relatively graceful) at Mulate's in Beau Bridge (the Original "Cajun" Restaurant- very cool...highly recommend it...eat the Catfish). I had just finished a dance with a nice young man named Corey (who beamed at me and yelled above the loud music "Miss Kwerkie, this is the BEST THING that has happened to me my ENTIRE life!" When I found out he was only 15 I told him to wait a few years as things only got better from there on in).
*ahem* Enough digression...the best part of my trip...was an unexpected call from Ronan. I had been missing him an awful lot and though I would tell him...I was slightly worried that he didn't seem to miss me too much. However! The phone call was proof enough for me.
I had actually missed his call, but promptly phoned him back when I saw what I had missed. We didn't get to talk for too long...but those stolen moments, me in the bathroom and him in his hotel room with his partner; meant more to me than I could actually verbalize.
Ronan is still away on business and I miss him more now that I am home. What is comforting to know is that I do really love him...it's a soft feeling in my heart which grows and roars and then quiets down again...I am not consumed by it, but feel rather enhanced by it. It helps that I can cuddle up to his pillow and it still smells like our last morning together...the slight musk of sex but more the calming smell of Ronan.
The updates will be slow for the next while for a few reasons. 1) my lap top is broken and in the shop as it were (I am at a cafe right now waiting for my MSN date with Ronan) and 2) it is CRAZY busy season at work until mid May...my spare time will likely be few and far between.
There is an Acadian saying in N'Orlyn...and it means "Let the good times roll" but I can't spell it en Francais....TinFoiled?? a wee bit of help here?
A biento
Kwerkie
Monday, March 14, 2005
The Whole Truth, So Help Me Blog.
I made a promise to myself when I first started this that I would write a lot of truths but pretty up some of the details to make a better story. I think that Lady K can spot my fictions faster than anyone...mostly because she has the benefit of knowing me for close to 11 years now and also because I share with her my stories (most of the time) before she reads them on here.
You remember the intimate info I mentioned giving Ronan? Well I was chicken about it and gave it to him via an email. He deleted the email...on purpose. Amazing! He said that he didn't want me to feel awkward about it and that if/when I wanted to share with him in person he'd be happy to listen. Encreable! (in my best dodgy French Accent)
So was that a test of my trust level? Was it conscious or subliminal? Who knows. I am feeling a lot more comfortable with Ronan...not that I was ever UNcomfortable to be clear...but my guards are dropping and I feel very good about being 100% myself whenever I am around him.
The past year I have been told by several people that I am a very open person. It seems funny to me to hear that as I believe that I have a lot of secrets that I do hide from most people. If you were to meet me I am sure it would shock you to know that I have 2 tattoos and an eyebrow piercing. Most people don't think I am "that type". My body art isn't that outrageous I must admit....the tattoos are very tasteful. I've had one of them for about 8 years now so I don't even see it anymore. My eyebrow ring is such a part of me that I am surprised when people point it out or ask me about it. The only one that never ceases to amaze me in it's beauty and simplicity and how well it represents me as a person is my flaming butterfly tattoo...lovingly created for me by Lady K herself!!!
I should really get some photos together of that sort of thing and post them...it would be easier to understand )I think) if you saw them all.
Next up...News on the trip to New Orleans!
Kwerkie
You remember the intimate info I mentioned giving Ronan? Well I was chicken about it and gave it to him via an email. He deleted the email...on purpose. Amazing! He said that he didn't want me to feel awkward about it and that if/when I wanted to share with him in person he'd be happy to listen. Encreable! (in my best dodgy French Accent)
So was that a test of my trust level? Was it conscious or subliminal? Who knows. I am feeling a lot more comfortable with Ronan...not that I was ever UNcomfortable to be clear...but my guards are dropping and I feel very good about being 100% myself whenever I am around him.
The past year I have been told by several people that I am a very open person. It seems funny to me to hear that as I believe that I have a lot of secrets that I do hide from most people. If you were to meet me I am sure it would shock you to know that I have 2 tattoos and an eyebrow piercing. Most people don't think I am "that type". My body art isn't that outrageous I must admit....the tattoos are very tasteful. I've had one of them for about 8 years now so I don't even see it anymore. My eyebrow ring is such a part of me that I am surprised when people point it out or ask me about it. The only one that never ceases to amaze me in it's beauty and simplicity and how well it represents me as a person is my flaming butterfly tattoo...lovingly created for me by Lady K herself!!!
I should really get some photos together of that sort of thing and post them...it would be easier to understand )I think) if you saw them all.
Next up...News on the trip to New Orleans!
Kwerkie
Monday, March 07, 2005
Come what may
Tonight I want to talk about Trust. That's right...Trust...with a Capitol T.
I have done something which I would consider a 9 out of 10 on my Trust Factor. I gave Ronan access to some pretty intimate information...it's not really private per se...but it is something that I tend not to share.
I don't know what the ramifications will be....perhaps there will be none or maybe it will be surprisingly liberating. Who knows. Come what may I have done it and there is no turning back now. It's out there.
It's funny...I'm feeling like I did when I first said "fuck" in front of my Mum. My stomach feels giddy...like a thousand butterflies all fluttering about one moment, plummeting like rocks the next. It's out there alright...hanging in the air the same way that large buildings just don't.
I haven't spoken to Ronan since yesterday morning. I never wanted to be one of those women who called their boyfriends every day. How can he miss me if we're always together or talking etc? But here's the funny thing...I actually *do* want to call him. Just a five minute conversation..."hi, how was your day, what will you do on your day off..." that sort of thing. What I'd like is for him to feel the same. I'd like it if he called me.
Now...you know how much I hate the "game" of it all. But to be honest...I believe I'm worth the phone call. Is he working tonight? I have no clue. Is he at home watching TV? Sleeping? Je ne sais pas.
I had a very long day at work, a huge work out and I can't believe my arms are functioning enough for me to type this out.
I should probably just go to bed. I have to be up at 5:30AM to go to the gym.
Come what may...I will Trust Ronan and let a bit more of my guard down.
What guard you ask???? Those of you who know and love me will know....for you others....you'll have to stick around to find out Kwerkie's hidden barriers.
I'll give you one just for fun. I am never more unsure of my body then when I am in the half dressed stage. I am most comfortable totally naked...being half clothed makes me nervous.
Kwerkie - told you ;)
I have done something which I would consider a 9 out of 10 on my Trust Factor. I gave Ronan access to some pretty intimate information...it's not really private per se...but it is something that I tend not to share.
I don't know what the ramifications will be....perhaps there will be none or maybe it will be surprisingly liberating. Who knows. Come what may I have done it and there is no turning back now. It's out there.
It's funny...I'm feeling like I did when I first said "fuck" in front of my Mum. My stomach feels giddy...like a thousand butterflies all fluttering about one moment, plummeting like rocks the next. It's out there alright...hanging in the air the same way that large buildings just don't.
I haven't spoken to Ronan since yesterday morning. I never wanted to be one of those women who called their boyfriends every day. How can he miss me if we're always together or talking etc? But here's the funny thing...I actually *do* want to call him. Just a five minute conversation..."hi, how was your day, what will you do on your day off..." that sort of thing. What I'd like is for him to feel the same. I'd like it if he called me.
Now...you know how much I hate the "game" of it all. But to be honest...I believe I'm worth the phone call. Is he working tonight? I have no clue. Is he at home watching TV? Sleeping? Je ne sais pas.
I had a very long day at work, a huge work out and I can't believe my arms are functioning enough for me to type this out.
I should probably just go to bed. I have to be up at 5:30AM to go to the gym.
Come what may...I will Trust Ronan and let a bit more of my guard down.
What guard you ask???? Those of you who know and love me will know....for you others....you'll have to stick around to find out Kwerkie's hidden barriers.
I'll give you one just for fun. I am never more unsure of my body then when I am in the half dressed stage. I am most comfortable totally naked...being half clothed makes me nervous.
Kwerkie - told you ;)
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Fake 'n Bake
Hello my lovelies.
Been a while and I am trying to keep up with all things in my life including this! I am about to be an Aunty again in T minus 4 weeks! Hoorah. Work is also crazy busy and then of course I am spending a lot of time with Ronan. Hoorah again!
I had a very brief MSN with Winter earlier this week and we talked about Faking It.
Raise your hands those of you who at one point or another faked your orgasm. (Kwerkie raises both her hands and hangs her head in shame).
It's true. I'm not proud...I'm just sharing. I spent many years faking it. MANY years. Why why why did I do that to myself? Most lovers are fairly accommodating if you give them instructions or suggestions etc, but I felt that it would be an imposition.
I think part of the problem was that though I grew up in a VERY liberal household where sex was talked about as freely as any other topic, I didn't actually believe in my heart that I could have (or deserved to have???) orgasms with a partner. I had no problems taking myself to that place of splendour. None what so ever. However, even though I was with men who excited me and wanted to please me...I don't think I ever trusted them enough to relax in order to let go. It seemed that orgasm was a goal in sex and I became so focused on the end result I forgot to enjoy the ride.
Now....before you begin to panic and think that I am faking things with Ronan...let me assure you that I am not. And while I'm at it...I have to say that I have always had MULTIPLE orgasms with him. Here I AM proud and not just sharing but BRAGGING. *ahem*
Ok...so who fakes it and why?
Winter told me that MEN sometimes fake it! Is this TRUE??? HOW is that possible??? I mean...isn't there Liquid Proof???!!!! How could a man fake it and his partner not know?
Call me weird...but I always try to sneak a peak afterwards...not that I am assuming my partner hasn't had an orgasms...but honestly...and this is where it gets very detailed and weird...so if you are squeamish stop reading now.
I don't often let a man umm..."explode" in my mouth right off the bat. That's a gift they must earn. So normally we've had sex a few times before he's allowed to orgasm in my mouth. The reason I look at the condom is to judge how much "joy juice" is in there. I mean....I need to know what I'm dealing with...I don't want to be embarrassed and choke...or worse! Nothing burns quite like semen up the nose...and it's pretty yucky too not to mention very embarrassing!
Why fake it? Communicate with your partner. Talk about sex problems OUTSIDE of the bedroom...it's easier that way. You likely already feel very exposed and vulnerable...adding nudity will only emphasize that.
Ok,...running out of time...I will continue on with this thread another day.
Ciao
Been a while and I am trying to keep up with all things in my life including this! I am about to be an Aunty again in T minus 4 weeks! Hoorah. Work is also crazy busy and then of course I am spending a lot of time with Ronan. Hoorah again!
I had a very brief MSN with Winter earlier this week and we talked about Faking It.
Raise your hands those of you who at one point or another faked your orgasm. (Kwerkie raises both her hands and hangs her head in shame).
It's true. I'm not proud...I'm just sharing. I spent many years faking it. MANY years. Why why why did I do that to myself? Most lovers are fairly accommodating if you give them instructions or suggestions etc, but I felt that it would be an imposition.
I think part of the problem was that though I grew up in a VERY liberal household where sex was talked about as freely as any other topic, I didn't actually believe in my heart that I could have (or deserved to have???) orgasms with a partner. I had no problems taking myself to that place of splendour. None what so ever. However, even though I was with men who excited me and wanted to please me...I don't think I ever trusted them enough to relax in order to let go. It seemed that orgasm was a goal in sex and I became so focused on the end result I forgot to enjoy the ride.
Now....before you begin to panic and think that I am faking things with Ronan...let me assure you that I am not. And while I'm at it...I have to say that I have always had MULTIPLE orgasms with him. Here I AM proud and not just sharing but BRAGGING. *ahem*
Ok...so who fakes it and why?
Winter told me that MEN sometimes fake it! Is this TRUE??? HOW is that possible??? I mean...isn't there Liquid Proof???!!!! How could a man fake it and his partner not know?
Call me weird...but I always try to sneak a peak afterwards...not that I am assuming my partner hasn't had an orgasms...but honestly...and this is where it gets very detailed and weird...so if you are squeamish stop reading now.
I don't often let a man umm..."explode" in my mouth right off the bat. That's a gift they must earn. So normally we've had sex a few times before he's allowed to orgasm in my mouth. The reason I look at the condom is to judge how much "joy juice" is in there. I mean....I need to know what I'm dealing with...I don't want to be embarrassed and choke...or worse! Nothing burns quite like semen up the nose...and it's pretty yucky too not to mention very embarrassing!
Why fake it? Communicate with your partner. Talk about sex problems OUTSIDE of the bedroom...it's easier that way. You likely already feel very exposed and vulnerable...adding nudity will only emphasize that.
Ok,...running out of time...I will continue on with this thread another day.
Ciao
Saturday, February 26, 2005
What a man what a man what a mighty good man
I know I haven't been keeping up lately but I have just had the week from hell. Seriously. I was very nearly fired and I had to do some major begging to get my job back. I have now been placed on probation until Aug and then at that time my boss will review all my files, my attitude and see if he can keep me on.
The reason I bring this up, is because this was a major crisis in my life and I want to tell you how Ronan reacted to all of this. I am sure by the title of my post you already have a pretty good idea. However, you know me....I love all the little things.
So this all went down on Tuesday of last week. I want to be clear when I say that I was 100% at fault and I cost the small company I work for nearly 10K. I was SICK about it when I found my error. Tuesday morning my boss was waiting for me when I got to work. This was when I knew I was fired as my boss NEVER arrives into the office before 10AM and I was at work for 8AM. Apparently he had been there since 1AM going over my files. I spent the whole day in job limbo after our discussion. I was crying most of the day. I must tell you that I love my job and I am very emotionally attached to not only the work I do, but the people I work with as well.
I came home a mess. I called Ronan and told him everything that had happened. He was so supportive. He knew it was my fault and he was trying to help me strategize to come up with checks and balances so that this sort of thing would never happen again and also trying to help me figure out if I could get another "good" job or just one to tide me over financially. This was all over the phone. And then he says. "Hey, do you want some company tonight? I'd like to come over and see if I can cheer you up or just hold you through this."
I melted. Of COURSE I wanted him to come over. I wanted to be held and comforted and to bounce ideas off of someone. I really wanted someone who would say "It will be alright".
So he came over and we went for a very long walk. I love our evening walks. They are very romantic to me and this one, though not romantic, was so important to me. He told me about how he switched careers after a frustrating period and then went back to it later feeling refreshed and ready for new challenges. It really made me think about my own career path and what I really love to do.
Another thing too is that this whole thing has made me realize that I must plan better financially. Had I lost my job, I would have lost my apartment as well as I spent far too much of my $$ on experiences like trips and events rather than saving anything for emergencies.
Ronan spent the night and held me and told it was all going to work out. He was amazing. What I really appreciated was that he didn't automatically take my side. He understood why my boss would want to fire me, so did I to be clear, but sometimes I get wrapped up in my own thinking/emotions that I lose sight of the logic.
I am falling in love with this man. And for the first time ever...I'm not even scared about it.
Kwerkie
The reason I bring this up, is because this was a major crisis in my life and I want to tell you how Ronan reacted to all of this. I am sure by the title of my post you already have a pretty good idea. However, you know me....I love all the little things.
So this all went down on Tuesday of last week. I want to be clear when I say that I was 100% at fault and I cost the small company I work for nearly 10K. I was SICK about it when I found my error. Tuesday morning my boss was waiting for me when I got to work. This was when I knew I was fired as my boss NEVER arrives into the office before 10AM and I was at work for 8AM. Apparently he had been there since 1AM going over my files. I spent the whole day in job limbo after our discussion. I was crying most of the day. I must tell you that I love my job and I am very emotionally attached to not only the work I do, but the people I work with as well.
I came home a mess. I called Ronan and told him everything that had happened. He was so supportive. He knew it was my fault and he was trying to help me strategize to come up with checks and balances so that this sort of thing would never happen again and also trying to help me figure out if I could get another "good" job or just one to tide me over financially. This was all over the phone. And then he says. "Hey, do you want some company tonight? I'd like to come over and see if I can cheer you up or just hold you through this."
I melted. Of COURSE I wanted him to come over. I wanted to be held and comforted and to bounce ideas off of someone. I really wanted someone who would say "It will be alright".
So he came over and we went for a very long walk. I love our evening walks. They are very romantic to me and this one, though not romantic, was so important to me. He told me about how he switched careers after a frustrating period and then went back to it later feeling refreshed and ready for new challenges. It really made me think about my own career path and what I really love to do.
Another thing too is that this whole thing has made me realize that I must plan better financially. Had I lost my job, I would have lost my apartment as well as I spent far too much of my $$ on experiences like trips and events rather than saving anything for emergencies.
Ronan spent the night and held me and told it was all going to work out. He was amazing. What I really appreciated was that he didn't automatically take my side. He understood why my boss would want to fire me, so did I to be clear, but sometimes I get wrapped up in my own thinking/emotions that I lose sight of the logic.
I am falling in love with this man. And for the first time ever...I'm not even scared about it.
Kwerkie
Monday, February 21, 2005
Koh-mew-nih-Kay-shun
Wozers. Lots to tell.
Firstly, as always, LOVE the comments! I might not agree with everything posted, but I love having it there to read and think about. All good stuff.
Aramous - we haven't even so much as smooched and you think you've come closer to sleeping with me?? silly! teeehee
Ok...so here is the deal with Ronan.
He arrived in Seattle with a bunch of lovely gerberra daisies lots of big big hugs and many kisses for me. He nearly skipped into the hotel room he was so excited to see me. Though we had only seen each other on Thursday night, he said he missed me. That was lovely to hear.
So he hung up his stuff and we got ready to head out for the rest of the afternoon. We chatted happily about my conference and the things that happened with his work over the last 2 days and walked hand in hand allll around Seattle.
Did a bit of shopping, lots of people watching and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. Back to the hotel for 8PM, shower, change and we were off for a romantic night. I had bought 2 dresses earlier in the day and tried them on and let him pick which one he'd like to see me in. He choose the slinky black one...which went very well with my thigh high stocking...y'know,..the ones that you wear with a garter belt. Oh yes...I was DETERMINED to get laid this weekend.
Ronan had bought a gorgeous Tommy Hillfigure button down shirt that showed off his chest like you wouldn't believe. My god this man is beautiful. He's in what I call "gay shape". Really well chiseled muscles but not a gym monkey.
So we both looked stunning. Off to "Cutters" for dinner and we were there right in time for happy hour! Hoorah! We shut that place down at 11:30PM.
afterwards we went to "Kells" for some Irish atmosphere. There was probably a live band there. There were probably lots of people there. Who knows...Ronan and I were so into each other it was like we were the only 2 in the room. At one point some random cute gay guy came up to us and told us that we were the cutest things since kittens and puppies. I'm taking that as a compliment. teehee We shut that place down too.
Back to the hotel for about 2AM. We didn't drink that much to be clear...I was pretty much drunk on Ronan and I think he was feeling a bit tipsy on me. Clothes were coming off fast and furious, sighs and kisses were plentiful. The nice thing about thigh high stockings is that when you wear them panties are optional. I opted out. Once my dress was removed Ronan stood there for a moment, half naked, just staring at me. I think he whimpered....or maybe it was me.
He removed my stockings the way every girl wants them removed- slowly and with his mouth. Lots of butterfly kisses up and down my legs and I was very well taken care of before he came back up the length of me to kiss my mouth.
Then he asks me if I really do care about him and if I am real. I answer yes to both and continue to kiss and caress him. And then it happens. He moves over me and between me and looks right in my eyes. I was shaking beneath him, wanting him more than I've ever wanted anyone else in my life. As we moved together, we were looking right into each other's eyes. It was amazing. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, how it felt to finally be inside me and how hard it was for him to wait this long. And then he says it.
"I love you Kwerkie".
My eyes FLY open. I think in my head - ummm...pardon?
It wasn't repeated and I didn't say anything. We continued to move together as passion dictated. Soft murmurs of appreciation, gentle caresses and the usual sort of pillow talk followed our bliss.
In the morning we went for round two. Thank GOD for late check outs.
All day Sunday we explored Seattle again. Then over dinner...I couldn't leave it alone.
I asked him if he meant what he said the previous night and if he in fact remembered telling me that he loved me. He answered yes to both but admitted he was frightened to say it again because I didn't say anything to it. I then asked about our conversation from Wednesday night...about him not really answering my question.
Well...he figured he did. I explained in detail why I didn't think he did. That's when we found out that we have 2 different styles of communication in certain areas.
Ronan has a very interesting job. I am not at liberty to go into it, but he does have to ask a lot of questions and get people to answer them in very creative ways. He often answers questions with his own questions as he's so used to doing that with his work. Ok. I can see where I will have to be sure that I am satisfied with the answer before moving on.
So Ronan is in love with me. Hoorah! That's a very nice feeling. I care very deeply for him and I do see the potential for me to fall head over heels in love with him...I'm just trying to be level headed about this. Ha! Like that will happen.
Muchos love to you all.
Kwerkie the falling in love fool.
Firstly, as always, LOVE the comments! I might not agree with everything posted, but I love having it there to read and think about. All good stuff.
Aramous - we haven't even so much as smooched and you think you've come closer to sleeping with me?? silly! teeehee
Ok...so here is the deal with Ronan.
He arrived in Seattle with a bunch of lovely gerberra daisies lots of big big hugs and many kisses for me. He nearly skipped into the hotel room he was so excited to see me. Though we had only seen each other on Thursday night, he said he missed me. That was lovely to hear.
So he hung up his stuff and we got ready to head out for the rest of the afternoon. We chatted happily about my conference and the things that happened with his work over the last 2 days and walked hand in hand allll around Seattle.
Did a bit of shopping, lots of people watching and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. Back to the hotel for 8PM, shower, change and we were off for a romantic night. I had bought 2 dresses earlier in the day and tried them on and let him pick which one he'd like to see me in. He choose the slinky black one...which went very well with my thigh high stocking...y'know,..the ones that you wear with a garter belt. Oh yes...I was DETERMINED to get laid this weekend.
Ronan had bought a gorgeous Tommy Hillfigure button down shirt that showed off his chest like you wouldn't believe. My god this man is beautiful. He's in what I call "gay shape". Really well chiseled muscles but not a gym monkey.
So we both looked stunning. Off to "Cutters" for dinner and we were there right in time for happy hour! Hoorah! We shut that place down at 11:30PM.
afterwards we went to "Kells" for some Irish atmosphere. There was probably a live band there. There were probably lots of people there. Who knows...Ronan and I were so into each other it was like we were the only 2 in the room. At one point some random cute gay guy came up to us and told us that we were the cutest things since kittens and puppies. I'm taking that as a compliment. teehee We shut that place down too.
Back to the hotel for about 2AM. We didn't drink that much to be clear...I was pretty much drunk on Ronan and I think he was feeling a bit tipsy on me. Clothes were coming off fast and furious, sighs and kisses were plentiful. The nice thing about thigh high stockings is that when you wear them panties are optional. I opted out. Once my dress was removed Ronan stood there for a moment, half naked, just staring at me. I think he whimpered....or maybe it was me.
He removed my stockings the way every girl wants them removed- slowly and with his mouth. Lots of butterfly kisses up and down my legs and I was very well taken care of before he came back up the length of me to kiss my mouth.
Then he asks me if I really do care about him and if I am real. I answer yes to both and continue to kiss and caress him. And then it happens. He moves over me and between me and looks right in my eyes. I was shaking beneath him, wanting him more than I've ever wanted anyone else in my life. As we moved together, we were looking right into each other's eyes. It was amazing. He kept telling me how beautiful I am, how it felt to finally be inside me and how hard it was for him to wait this long. And then he says it.
"I love you Kwerkie".
My eyes FLY open. I think in my head - ummm...pardon?
It wasn't repeated and I didn't say anything. We continued to move together as passion dictated. Soft murmurs of appreciation, gentle caresses and the usual sort of pillow talk followed our bliss.
In the morning we went for round two. Thank GOD for late check outs.
All day Sunday we explored Seattle again. Then over dinner...I couldn't leave it alone.
I asked him if he meant what he said the previous night and if he in fact remembered telling me that he loved me. He answered yes to both but admitted he was frightened to say it again because I didn't say anything to it. I then asked about our conversation from Wednesday night...about him not really answering my question.
Well...he figured he did. I explained in detail why I didn't think he did. That's when we found out that we have 2 different styles of communication in certain areas.
Ronan has a very interesting job. I am not at liberty to go into it, but he does have to ask a lot of questions and get people to answer them in very creative ways. He often answers questions with his own questions as he's so used to doing that with his work. Ok. I can see where I will have to be sure that I am satisfied with the answer before moving on.
So Ronan is in love with me. Hoorah! That's a very nice feeling. I care very deeply for him and I do see the potential for me to fall head over heels in love with him...I'm just trying to be level headed about this. Ha! Like that will happen.
Muchos love to you all.
Kwerkie the falling in love fool.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
The Purrrrrfect Valentine's Day and other things.
Ok...I know this has been a while in coming...nearly a week...but things are CRAZY busy. Currently I'm in Seattle wating for Ronan to show up so we can go and paint the town. I was here for work and he agreed to come and meet me down here on my last day of the conference and take me out. Hoorah.
Valentine's Day.
I am a fairly low maintence woman. I love all the little things...especially all the little things. My perfect Valentines Day includes (but is not limited to) the following.
1) Flower (s) -preferably gerberra daisies in ANY colour but white.
2) Card - this can either be funny or romantic...extra points if it's home made.
3) Kiss- a nice long slow kiss...that morphs into something more passionate! teehee
Ronan was late (this is becoming ususal and slightly annoying) but he arrived with all three of the above PLUS a cute monkey, PLUS a dance in my living room, PLUS he made me a beautiful streak dinner completely with potatos, peas and garlic bread.
This evening was soooo lovely. I had lit candles everywhere and we enjoyed our dinner and the atmosphere emensely! I love spending time with this man.
After dinner we went for a long walk, had some gelato and then ended up back at my place and in my bed. We consumed 2 bottles of wine.
STILL NO SEX!!!!!!!
This is now starting to really upset me. He'll do absolutely everything else...but he just refuses to be inside of me. I believe that on Valentine's Day it was mostly due to the fact that we did drink 2 bottles of fabulous Shiraz.
Still...the entire evening was purrrfect...aside from the no sex part. He was a gentleman, he was attentive and romantic and it was amazing.
Hoorah for me and my perfect Valentine's Day.
Yiipeeeee
Ok. Now is where I am getting a bit on the paranoid side. We had a date on WED and though there was a lot of rubbing and licking and kissing...STILL NO SEX!
OH MY GOD!
He tells me that it's a huge deal for him to have penetrative sex with a woman. That it pretty much means that he's in a relationship with them...well...errr...ummm...wasn't' that what our discussion on Saturday was about??? That he wants to be more commited to me...that he even said he was ready for sex etc....what the hell?
He cares about me deeply, he's not dating anyone else....but he wants to wait until he can be true to me. I have NO idea what that means.
True to me??? Does this mean that he is actually dating other women??
To be clear, when I asked him about it this is how the conversation went,
K " Are you dating other people?"
R "Other people? (laughs) What like 7 or 8 on the go?"
K "No, like anyone besides me"
R "Kwerkie, I'm not dating anyone new"
K "Oh. So it's the same old people?"
R "(laughs) Kwerkie....you know I care very deeply for you. Are things going too slowly between us for you?"
K "Well.,..you are right. We've only been together for 4 weeks...I should apply the breaks a bit"
R "We have lots of time. I really want to get to know you. I don't want to crash into something here....I want to take things slowly"
Is it me or has he STILL not answered the question of if he's seeing someone else or not? And...what the hell was all our lovely dovey talk about on Saturday?
I'm going to calm down and let this happen or not happen as the case may be. I am not going to accept being one of the links in his chain. I deserve better than that.
Kwerkie
(bitter with raging hormones)
Valentine's Day.
I am a fairly low maintence woman. I love all the little things...especially all the little things. My perfect Valentines Day includes (but is not limited to) the following.
1) Flower (s) -preferably gerberra daisies in ANY colour but white.
2) Card - this can either be funny or romantic...extra points if it's home made.
3) Kiss- a nice long slow kiss...that morphs into something more passionate! teehee
Ronan was late (this is becoming ususal and slightly annoying) but he arrived with all three of the above PLUS a cute monkey, PLUS a dance in my living room, PLUS he made me a beautiful streak dinner completely with potatos, peas and garlic bread.
This evening was soooo lovely. I had lit candles everywhere and we enjoyed our dinner and the atmosphere emensely! I love spending time with this man.
After dinner we went for a long walk, had some gelato and then ended up back at my place and in my bed. We consumed 2 bottles of wine.
STILL NO SEX!!!!!!!
This is now starting to really upset me. He'll do absolutely everything else...but he just refuses to be inside of me. I believe that on Valentine's Day it was mostly due to the fact that we did drink 2 bottles of fabulous Shiraz.
Still...the entire evening was purrrfect...aside from the no sex part. He was a gentleman, he was attentive and romantic and it was amazing.
Hoorah for me and my perfect Valentine's Day.
Yiipeeeee
Ok. Now is where I am getting a bit on the paranoid side. We had a date on WED and though there was a lot of rubbing and licking and kissing...STILL NO SEX!
OH MY GOD!
He tells me that it's a huge deal for him to have penetrative sex with a woman. That it pretty much means that he's in a relationship with them...well...errr...ummm...wasn't' that what our discussion on Saturday was about??? That he wants to be more commited to me...that he even said he was ready for sex etc....what the hell?
He cares about me deeply, he's not dating anyone else....but he wants to wait until he can be true to me. I have NO idea what that means.
True to me??? Does this mean that he is actually dating other women??
To be clear, when I asked him about it this is how the conversation went,
K " Are you dating other people?"
R "Other people? (laughs) What like 7 or 8 on the go?"
K "No, like anyone besides me"
R "Kwerkie, I'm not dating anyone new"
K "Oh. So it's the same old people?"
R "(laughs) Kwerkie....you know I care very deeply for you. Are things going too slowly between us for you?"
K "Well.,..you are right. We've only been together for 4 weeks...I should apply the breaks a bit"
R "We have lots of time. I really want to get to know you. I don't want to crash into something here....I want to take things slowly"
Is it me or has he STILL not answered the question of if he's seeing someone else or not? And...what the hell was all our lovely dovey talk about on Saturday?
I'm going to calm down and let this happen or not happen as the case may be. I am not going to accept being one of the links in his chain. I deserve better than that.
Kwerkie
(bitter with raging hormones)
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Great Expectations
What a week! It's been nutso on the work front, the family zone and the romance arena!!! I'm not really complaining to be clear...just trying to explain my absence.
Last week I had 2 wonderful dates with Ronan and I just feel like sharing every gooey detail with you.
The first one was an Ice Skating date! Hoorah! I had been suggesting we do this for over a week and finally he succumbed to my persistence. Right on! It would appear that I do have some influence over Ronan teehee. So Ronan arrived and I whisked him out the door just as fast as he came in so that we wouldn't have to wait in too much of a line up to get our skates etc. Holly Molly! We were probably the 100th or so people to get there. It was a very busy night at the ol' West End Community Centre for the Adult Skate Night.
I was happy to discover that I wasn't as bad as I was thinking I would be on the skates. Ronan was much worse than me and I got a special kick out of rescuing him from falling all the time. It was a lot of fun and very romantic. Looping around and around chatting about this and that and holding hands...the only thing that would have made it better would have been if we could have done it outside instead of in the arena.
After 2 hours of wobbling, smooching and skating we headed to the Megabucks for some Hot Chocolate. We must have spent nearly 2 hours there as well just chatting and joking around. It was during our discussion of music that Ronan asked me to go the U2 concert with him....in APRIL! HOORAH! He's a planner too! We then talked about going up to the Merrit Mountain Music Festival in JUL.
Now before you start thinking that I am planning our wedding...we BOTH made it VERY clear that should things go a bit pear shaped that we would likely have no worries selling the extra ticket to whomever.
Ronan ended up spending the night at my place again that night and we were both fairly sleep deprived the next day.
Our Saturday night date started out with him picking me up from my massage appointment out in Slurrey and grabbing a quick bite to eat. Then we headed back to my place where I showered/changed and got ready for the party. Another late late night but this one was filled with drinking beer, having long intimate chats and partying with some of my "young friends". I guess we are still in the beginning stages of being wayyy to into each other as we barely socialized with the others.
It was during our drunken talks that we admitted that we were crazy about each other and wanted to make it pretty exclusive. HOORAH again! In fact...this is how it went down. We ended up back at my place at 4AM and were making out etc in my bed when I said (not proud, just sharing) "Danger Danger Ronan". He was kissing my ear (danger) and asked "What's danger?". So, without thinking or filtering my comments....I said "I am in danger of falling in love with you".
Panic gripped me. What the HELL had I just said??? OH NOOOOOOOOO.
Ronan replies "Really? We've only known each other 3 weeks" To which I could only reply "I know". (more panic). So he continues to kiss my ear (told you it was danger) and he said "Well, I think you already are...which is good. As I am with you". My heart flip-flopped in my chest, he's STILL kissing my ear, and then I grab him and give the most passionate kiss I could muster in my 5AM drunken state.
The candles in my room, the sudden confession of emotion...it was all very lovely. Ronan then makes a comment about wanting to make love to me. I must tell you now my lovely readers, that we have been doing everything else but having penetrative sex. (and stupid me made a promise not to use my vibrator!!! what was I thinking???) See...Ronan believes as Bill Clinton does. Oral sex isn't sex. Penetrative sex is the only "sex" he sees. So we've been doing a lot of kissing...in more areas than just our mouths!
Ronan really wants (yes. present tense...wait for it) our first time to be very special as it is really important to him.
So. He makes this comment about wanting to make love to me. What do you think I did? (besides the obvious swooning?). I said "No. Not like this." OH MY GOD! I really DO say the stupidest things when I'm drunk!!! First I spill the beans and tell him that I am falling for him, and then secondly I say no to the sex I have been wanting for 2 weeks!! What the hell???
Well my friends...in my defense I was really doing it for Ronan. I just *knew* that if I had agreed...that it would have been the drunk fumblings of horniness and not the beautiful special event that he seems to want. So...because it seems to be so very important to him, I said no. I figured we'd sleep it off and go for gold in the morning. Well....ummm...no. It didn't happen in the morning either. I guess it needs to be by candlelight or something more romantic....or maybe we just need to NOT be hung over.
I appear to have one of those boyfriend things. Nice!
So what will happen to The Single Files if I am no longer "single"? Well...don't panic. I don't think I want to change the name of this as it's fairly clever and as we all know...there are many issues and things to deal with in a relationship as well.
Besides that...I still have to tell you about Valentine's Day!
Last week I had 2 wonderful dates with Ronan and I just feel like sharing every gooey detail with you.
The first one was an Ice Skating date! Hoorah! I had been suggesting we do this for over a week and finally he succumbed to my persistence. Right on! It would appear that I do have some influence over Ronan teehee. So Ronan arrived and I whisked him out the door just as fast as he came in so that we wouldn't have to wait in too much of a line up to get our skates etc. Holly Molly! We were probably the 100th or so people to get there. It was a very busy night at the ol' West End Community Centre for the Adult Skate Night.
I was happy to discover that I wasn't as bad as I was thinking I would be on the skates. Ronan was much worse than me and I got a special kick out of rescuing him from falling all the time. It was a lot of fun and very romantic. Looping around and around chatting about this and that and holding hands...the only thing that would have made it better would have been if we could have done it outside instead of in the arena.
After 2 hours of wobbling, smooching and skating we headed to the Megabucks for some Hot Chocolate. We must have spent nearly 2 hours there as well just chatting and joking around. It was during our discussion of music that Ronan asked me to go the U2 concert with him....in APRIL! HOORAH! He's a planner too! We then talked about going up to the Merrit Mountain Music Festival in JUL.
Now before you start thinking that I am planning our wedding...we BOTH made it VERY clear that should things go a bit pear shaped that we would likely have no worries selling the extra ticket to whomever.
Ronan ended up spending the night at my place again that night and we were both fairly sleep deprived the next day.
Our Saturday night date started out with him picking me up from my massage appointment out in Slurrey and grabbing a quick bite to eat. Then we headed back to my place where I showered/changed and got ready for the party. Another late late night but this one was filled with drinking beer, having long intimate chats and partying with some of my "young friends". I guess we are still in the beginning stages of being wayyy to into each other as we barely socialized with the others.
It was during our drunken talks that we admitted that we were crazy about each other and wanted to make it pretty exclusive. HOORAH again! In fact...this is how it went down. We ended up back at my place at 4AM and were making out etc in my bed when I said (not proud, just sharing) "Danger Danger Ronan". He was kissing my ear (danger) and asked "What's danger?". So, without thinking or filtering my comments....I said "I am in danger of falling in love with you".
Panic gripped me. What the HELL had I just said??? OH NOOOOOOOOO.
Ronan replies "Really? We've only known each other 3 weeks" To which I could only reply "I know". (more panic). So he continues to kiss my ear (told you it was danger) and he said "Well, I think you already are...which is good. As I am with you". My heart flip-flopped in my chest, he's STILL kissing my ear, and then I grab him and give the most passionate kiss I could muster in my 5AM drunken state.
The candles in my room, the sudden confession of emotion...it was all very lovely. Ronan then makes a comment about wanting to make love to me. I must tell you now my lovely readers, that we have been doing everything else but having penetrative sex. (and stupid me made a promise not to use my vibrator!!! what was I thinking???) See...Ronan believes as Bill Clinton does. Oral sex isn't sex. Penetrative sex is the only "sex" he sees. So we've been doing a lot of kissing...in more areas than just our mouths!
Ronan really wants (yes. present tense...wait for it) our first time to be very special as it is really important to him.
So. He makes this comment about wanting to make love to me. What do you think I did? (besides the obvious swooning?). I said "No. Not like this." OH MY GOD! I really DO say the stupidest things when I'm drunk!!! First I spill the beans and tell him that I am falling for him, and then secondly I say no to the sex I have been wanting for 2 weeks!! What the hell???
Well my friends...in my defense I was really doing it for Ronan. I just *knew* that if I had agreed...that it would have been the drunk fumblings of horniness and not the beautiful special event that he seems to want. So...because it seems to be so very important to him, I said no. I figured we'd sleep it off and go for gold in the morning. Well....ummm...no. It didn't happen in the morning either. I guess it needs to be by candlelight or something more romantic....or maybe we just need to NOT be hung over.
I appear to have one of those boyfriend things. Nice!
So what will happen to The Single Files if I am no longer "single"? Well...don't panic. I don't think I want to change the name of this as it's fairly clever and as we all know...there are many issues and things to deal with in a relationship as well.
Besides that...I still have to tell you about Valentine's Day!
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Let's Talk About Sex Baby - Part 2
It's interesting some people's definition of sex. I never would have really thought about it if it hadn't been for Bill Clinton...and I can't stand politics - of any kind really.
Here is what falls into the realm of Petting for me: hands touching ANY body part, kissing all kinds of places with the ONLY exception being that of the genitals .
Here is what I consider to be called "Sex". Penetrative sex, Oral sex, Anal sex
Funny how they all have the word SEX in them isn't it?
Like Bill Clinton there are a LOT of people out there that think that Oral Sex is just not considered sex. How can that possibly be? I don't care if you want to dress up the names to be something along the lines of "blow job, going down on, eating out, sucking cock, licking pussy, smokin' a bone, cunnilingus, playing the skin flute, taming the wild beaver, carpet licking, knob gobbling." What it ALLL boils down to people is oral SEX. SEX I tell you SEX!!!
Now....here is where it gets a bit tricky with me. I believe in sex that there are varying degrees of Intimacy.
I consider Oral Sex SEX...but I do think that performing oral sex is less intimate than receiving oral sex. I love both sides of that particular coin don't get me wrong...but I do find that going down is just not as personal for me. The flip side is of course, that I do feel that it is much more profound for me to open myself up and allow a man to place his tongue over my most secret places.
To be clear, I'm not that chicky in Clerks who gives out blow jobs like a bluddy door prize or something. however, because of my feelings towards them, I think that it's a sort of "beginner" stage to sex before going in for full on tumblings.
Also, depending on the position, penetrative sex can also have a few levels of intimacy.
Off the top of my head and in my own personal opinion, here are the following Intimate Positions:
Missionary
Woman on Top facing forward
Sitting facing each other.
Standing/Against a wall (this is FABULOUS. not only is it often extremely passionate but it has the added bonus of eye contact)
69
Here are the ones that are less intimate, but my no means less pleasurable
Rear entry positions (though there is a bit more intimacy in the side spooning position)
Woman on Top facing away
To be clear I don't want you to believe that these are the only positions in my sexual repertoire...but these are the ones that popped into my head as I am on this tangent here. Besides that...I can't give you ALL of my secrets!
So now my lovely readers...I want to hear from YOU.
Is Oral Sex considered Sex to you or is it part of the Petting realm?
Do you think there is a different level of intimacy between Performing and Receiving oral sex?
What do you think would be the MOST intimate position and what is the LEAST intimate position.
Note: By "intimacy" I mean a real physical and emotional connection being able to be made - something that becomes deeply personal to you.
Seeing Ronan again tonight...I think I might ask his opinion about these issues as well.
Here is what falls into the realm of Petting for me: hands touching ANY body part, kissing all kinds of places with the ONLY exception being that of the genitals .
Here is what I consider to be called "Sex". Penetrative sex, Oral sex, Anal sex
Funny how they all have the word SEX in them isn't it?
Like Bill Clinton there are a LOT of people out there that think that Oral Sex is just not considered sex. How can that possibly be? I don't care if you want to dress up the names to be something along the lines of "blow job, going down on, eating out, sucking cock, licking pussy, smokin' a bone, cunnilingus, playing the skin flute, taming the wild beaver, carpet licking, knob gobbling." What it ALLL boils down to people is oral SEX. SEX I tell you SEX!!!
Now....here is where it gets a bit tricky with me. I believe in sex that there are varying degrees of Intimacy.
I consider Oral Sex SEX...but I do think that performing oral sex is less intimate than receiving oral sex. I love both sides of that particular coin don't get me wrong...but I do find that going down is just not as personal for me. The flip side is of course, that I do feel that it is much more profound for me to open myself up and allow a man to place his tongue over my most secret places.
To be clear, I'm not that chicky in Clerks who gives out blow jobs like a bluddy door prize or something. however, because of my feelings towards them, I think that it's a sort of "beginner" stage to sex before going in for full on tumblings.
Also, depending on the position, penetrative sex can also have a few levels of intimacy.
Off the top of my head and in my own personal opinion, here are the following Intimate Positions:
Missionary
Woman on Top facing forward
Sitting facing each other.
Standing/Against a wall (this is FABULOUS. not only is it often extremely passionate but it has the added bonus of eye contact)
69
Here are the ones that are less intimate, but my no means less pleasurable
Rear entry positions (though there is a bit more intimacy in the side spooning position)
Woman on Top facing away
To be clear I don't want you to believe that these are the only positions in my sexual repertoire...but these are the ones that popped into my head as I am on this tangent here. Besides that...I can't give you ALL of my secrets!
So now my lovely readers...I want to hear from YOU.
Is Oral Sex considered Sex to you or is it part of the Petting realm?
Do you think there is a different level of intimacy between Performing and Receiving oral sex?
What do you think would be the MOST intimate position and what is the LEAST intimate position.
Note: By "intimacy" I mean a real physical and emotional connection being able to be made - something that becomes deeply personal to you.
Seeing Ronan again tonight...I think I might ask his opinion about these issues as well.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
A rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Last Friday night I was out with Malcolm The Eye Guy (TEG for short) and we got to talkin' about all the different labels that encompas the interactions between men and women who are romantically linked together. From what I gathered by our discussion, TEG holds the belief that there are no less than 5 labels between men and women when it comes to the blanket term "relationship".
So for the purpose of this entry, I'll separate our view points by colour. TEG's point of view will be in lovely green. Mine will appear in happy orange.
1) Hanging Out.
This is when 2 people are just getting to know each other . They "hang out" at various events...concerts, parties etc...usually involves other people around. Some kissing/making out etc. All part of the Hanging Out process.
This is when I meet someone of ANY gender and spend some time with them with no romantic intentions/desires towards them. I hang out with my friends...not anyone I want to kiss.
2) Dating
This is when 2 people start hanging out but mostly just with each other and not have others involved in their activities/plans etc. More kissing, some petting etc.
This is when I meet a guy and I have romantic intentions/desires towards them. I want to spend time with them to get to know them, do activities with them, concerts, parties, sporting events and long conversations with them. Kissing and mild petting is all OK here.
3) Seeing Someone
This is when 2 people decide that they aren't going to date anyone else and become exclusive with each other . It's basically the same as Dating only you are monogamous now, sex is usually involved.
For me this is exactly the same thing as Dating. "Dating" and "Seeing Someone"....sounds like a laundry detergent commercial to me - I can't see the difference, can you see the difference?
4) Relationship
A little bit more serious than Seeing Someone but still a wee bit on the casual side...nothing too serious,...both could walk away at any time with no hard feelings/regrets etc.
This is where the sex comes in for me. We are monogamous, sharing and growing together with an idea that this is a progression to something bigger.
5) Serious Relationship
This is when the 2 agree that they are going to be working at the relationship with a future in mind.
This is where we move in together and build more of a bond for a stronger future together. This is pretty much playing at marriage for me to see if it is right.
All these definitions, explanations, opinions...but I'm pretty much with Juliet on this one. " a rose by any other name would smell as sweet". It doesn't matter WHAT we call it...when 2 people really like each other and are spending a lot of time with each other...doing the things that make them happy and comfortable...why do we need to label it?
I admit I'm a bit of a labeler. I have buddies, friends, good friends, crushes, and then of course there is the man I am dating/ or in a relationship with. These are all labels.
Have I placed any labels on Ronan? I admit I have. I'm dating him...he's wooing me. (and doing a great job of it too). I like him a lot...not just the fooling around parts - though don't get me wrong that is fantastic - but I really like hanging out with him in general.
I'm trying to take things slow and steady here and trying not to get too carried away with labels or stages of "us". I would like to see where this goes. Do I think about having a future with him? Maybe - it sure sounds like a nice idea, but only time will tell as we get to know each other. After all, it's not like I can just add water and "POOF" he's an instant boyfriend! However, having said that, it would bother me if he were seeing other women. I don't like the idea of sharing him in that regard.
I am blaming the lack of luster in this piece on my serious lack of sleep. Ronan spent the night last night - but before you get all judgy I want to be clear on the point that we did NOT have sex. I loved falling asleep in his arms and waking up in them as well. Even with my bed head and morning breath I felt sexy beside him. It is strange to share my bed with someone again, I guess takes time to get used to as well.
oh sooo sleepy.
Kwerksteroonie
So for the purpose of this entry, I'll separate our view points by colour. TEG's point of view will be in lovely green. Mine will appear in happy orange.
1) Hanging Out.
This is when 2 people are just getting to know each other . They "hang out" at various events...concerts, parties etc...usually involves other people around. Some kissing/making out etc. All part of the Hanging Out process.
This is when I meet someone of ANY gender and spend some time with them with no romantic intentions/desires towards them. I hang out with my friends...not anyone I want to kiss.
2) Dating
This is when 2 people start hanging out but mostly just with each other and not have others involved in their activities/plans etc. More kissing, some petting etc.
This is when I meet a guy and I have romantic intentions/desires towards them. I want to spend time with them to get to know them, do activities with them, concerts, parties, sporting events and long conversations with them. Kissing and mild petting is all OK here.
3) Seeing Someone
This is when 2 people decide that they aren't going to date anyone else and become exclusive with each other . It's basically the same as Dating only you are monogamous now, sex is usually involved.
For me this is exactly the same thing as Dating. "Dating" and "Seeing Someone"....sounds like a laundry detergent commercial to me - I can't see the difference, can you see the difference?
4) Relationship
A little bit more serious than Seeing Someone but still a wee bit on the casual side...nothing too serious,...both could walk away at any time with no hard feelings/regrets etc.
This is where the sex comes in for me. We are monogamous, sharing and growing together with an idea that this is a progression to something bigger.
5) Serious Relationship
This is when the 2 agree that they are going to be working at the relationship with a future in mind.
This is where we move in together and build more of a bond for a stronger future together. This is pretty much playing at marriage for me to see if it is right.
All these definitions, explanations, opinions...but I'm pretty much with Juliet on this one. " a rose by any other name would smell as sweet". It doesn't matter WHAT we call it...when 2 people really like each other and are spending a lot of time with each other...doing the things that make them happy and comfortable...why do we need to label it?
I admit I'm a bit of a labeler. I have buddies, friends, good friends, crushes, and then of course there is the man I am dating/ or in a relationship with. These are all labels.
Have I placed any labels on Ronan? I admit I have. I'm dating him...he's wooing me. (and doing a great job of it too). I like him a lot...not just the fooling around parts - though don't get me wrong that is fantastic - but I really like hanging out with him in general.
I'm trying to take things slow and steady here and trying not to get too carried away with labels or stages of "us". I would like to see where this goes. Do I think about having a future with him? Maybe - it sure sounds like a nice idea, but only time will tell as we get to know each other. After all, it's not like I can just add water and "POOF" he's an instant boyfriend! However, having said that, it would bother me if he were seeing other women. I don't like the idea of sharing him in that regard.
I am blaming the lack of luster in this piece on my serious lack of sleep. Ronan spent the night last night - but before you get all judgy I want to be clear on the point that we did NOT have sex. I loved falling asleep in his arms and waking up in them as well. Even with my bed head and morning breath I felt sexy beside him. It is strange to share my bed with someone again, I guess takes time to get used to as well.
oh sooo sleepy.
Kwerksteroonie
John Donne said it best
I am CONSUMED by flashbacks from last night. Is it because I was denied what I thought would be the ultimate prize that I want it even more? Or is it that when Ronan kisses me, however lightly, in which ever area, I fear I may spontaneously combust?
Let me explain.
I had my date with Ronan last Wed night (see Jazz Hot Baby for details) and when we were making out like 16yr olds in the driveway of my apartment building...my mobile phone fell out of my jacket. Of course...being too busy with groping and kissing Ronan, and then practically floating out of his car to my apartment...well...I failed to notice my missing communication device until the next morning.
I left a sufficiently embarrassed message on his phone and a short while later he phoned me. We had a lovely mid afternoon chat and Ronan gallantly offered to drop off my mobile later on that evening. He shows up still dressed in his shirt and tie from work...my GOD the man has style! He delivers my mobile as promised and also advises that I left something else in his car. When I couldn't guess what it was, he pulled out a bag of Hershey's Kisses (the Valentine's Day ones) and told me that I left some kisses behind.
I won't hear a bad word about this! It's lovely and sweet and I did go a wee bit gooey over that statement.
*ahem* I do digress!
He must have made out for at least 4 hours. It was the most passionate, longest make out session I have ever had. At one point, I thought I was nearly going to have an orgasm just from him kissing my ears! And yet, with enormous amounts of will power, we didn't succumb to lust. (damn!) I mean "oh good".
Ronan is a romantic. He does not want our first time together to be only lustful. He'd rather it be more romantic, special, something that we could both enjoy and not regret. Wow...does he know me already? Of course I would regret sleeping with him so soon!
Still....it didn't stop me from taking off his shirt and tasting the skin at the base of his throat, along his collar bone and enjoying the luxurious feel of his bare chest pressed against mine. It's funny though...the more we both put the breaks on so to speak, the more I wanted to hit the accelerator! Or that could just have been from his fabulous kissing talents!
Still...John Donne was on to something there
"license my roving hands, and let them go
Before, behind, between, above, below. "
Not bad for a man who wore lace eh? I would be tempted to throw in something with lips or tongues or mouths...I seem to be very orally fixated in my poetry.
The more Ronan wouldn't let me possess his body entirely, the more I wanted it. At one point I was actually experiencing a physical ache for him. I may have felt this way before with some man I wanted or was in love with...But it has been so very long that I can't actually remember. Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but if I *did* feel this way about a man before....I wonder if it was me being caught up in my own swell of emotions, or if indeed it was mutual. Is that what's happening now?
One of the many times I woke up during the night I actually found myself looking at Ronan as he slept peacefully next to me. He has freckles on his shoulders. When I kissed them he woke up, drew me closer to him, took a deep inhale of my skin and whispered "you're so beautiful". Too tired to answer back I just smiled and fell asleep.
Let me explain.
I had my date with Ronan last Wed night (see Jazz Hot Baby for details) and when we were making out like 16yr olds in the driveway of my apartment building...my mobile phone fell out of my jacket. Of course...being too busy with groping and kissing Ronan, and then practically floating out of his car to my apartment...well...I failed to notice my missing communication device until the next morning.
I left a sufficiently embarrassed message on his phone and a short while later he phoned me. We had a lovely mid afternoon chat and Ronan gallantly offered to drop off my mobile later on that evening. He shows up still dressed in his shirt and tie from work...my GOD the man has style! He delivers my mobile as promised and also advises that I left something else in his car. When I couldn't guess what it was, he pulled out a bag of Hershey's Kisses (the Valentine's Day ones) and told me that I left some kisses behind.
I won't hear a bad word about this! It's lovely and sweet and I did go a wee bit gooey over that statement.
*ahem* I do digress!
He must have made out for at least 4 hours. It was the most passionate, longest make out session I have ever had. At one point, I thought I was nearly going to have an orgasm just from him kissing my ears! And yet, with enormous amounts of will power, we didn't succumb to lust. (damn!) I mean "oh good".
Ronan is a romantic. He does not want our first time together to be only lustful. He'd rather it be more romantic, special, something that we could both enjoy and not regret. Wow...does he know me already? Of course I would regret sleeping with him so soon!
Still....it didn't stop me from taking off his shirt and tasting the skin at the base of his throat, along his collar bone and enjoying the luxurious feel of his bare chest pressed against mine. It's funny though...the more we both put the breaks on so to speak, the more I wanted to hit the accelerator! Or that could just have been from his fabulous kissing talents!
Still...John Donne was on to something there
"license my roving hands, and let them go
Before, behind, between, above, below. "
Not bad for a man who wore lace eh? I would be tempted to throw in something with lips or tongues or mouths...I seem to be very orally fixated in my poetry.
The more Ronan wouldn't let me possess his body entirely, the more I wanted it. At one point I was actually experiencing a physical ache for him. I may have felt this way before with some man I wanted or was in love with...But it has been so very long that I can't actually remember. Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but if I *did* feel this way about a man before....I wonder if it was me being caught up in my own swell of emotions, or if indeed it was mutual. Is that what's happening now?
One of the many times I woke up during the night I actually found myself looking at Ronan as he slept peacefully next to me. He has freckles on his shoulders. When I kissed them he woke up, drew me closer to him, took a deep inhale of my skin and whispered "you're so beautiful". Too tired to answer back I just smiled and fell asleep.
Ghost of your touch
Ghost of your touch,
Lingering
Skipping fire down my spine.
Heat of my breath
Escaping
Pleading words from my mouth
Phantom of your kiss,
Haunting.
Silky waves over my lips
Burning of my desire
Urgent
Sticky wetness between my legs
Rise to my passions - fall into me and I will embrace you with velvet tremors.
Lingering
Skipping fire down my spine.
Heat of my breath
Escaping
Pleading words from my mouth
Phantom of your kiss,
Haunting.
Silky waves over my lips
Burning of my desire
Urgent
Sticky wetness between my legs
Rise to my passions - fall into me and I will embrace you with velvet tremors.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Jazz Hot Baby!
“Giddy as a school girl” doesn't even come close to describing how I feel about Ronan at the moment.
Last night I had no more than 15 minutes to get ready after my Yoga class for my date with Ronan. I had put out the clothes I wanted to wear before hand so I could cut down on any sort of decision time.
I ran home from yoga, hopped in the shower and did the quick once over. Clothes on, makeup on and hair…well….I did try….but my hair never wants to behave. It's straight when I want it curly, it's curly when I want it straight….and when I don’t give a rat's ass what my hair looks like it does a bizarre combo of straily!
So the look I went for was Librarian Vixen! My corduroy tan skirt fell just below my knees, brown boots set off my calves nicely, and my white button down top wasn’t too low cut. In fact…for those of you who know and love me know that when I say low cut top…it isn’t the Paris Hilton Low Cut Top but more along the Sandra Bullock Low Cut Top look. My glasses completed my look as L.V.
Ronan picked me up and off we went to the Cellar Jazz Club! We snagged some seats at the back and took in the club. It’s a pretty nifty place, on the small side of things with a real Jazz feel to the place…intimate tables with a single candle burning…low lights and a small-ish stage. This place is DEFINITELY a great date place! We could chat easily, be cozy with each other, people watch and of course, check out the Hot Jazz Music!
We were one of the first people to arrive and the last ones to leave. I have never felt more comfortable with another man. I felt very confident, sexy and an all around Goddess. It is really easy to talk to Ronan about everything! He even listened to me crap on about recycling, the environment and how I haven’t been to the Vancouver Art Gallery in 3 months! He shared his passion for Football, Baseball and traveling to various US cities. We both agreed that Chicago KICKS ASS and that Seattle is not far behind in the coolness factor. Neither of us have been to NYC yet but both would love to go. Him for the Yankees, me for the MET.
We talked a lot in terms of “this summer WE should…” and “I would love to share (insert activity/event) with you” It was nice…but both of us playing things a bit close to the chest as it were. We know we both really like each other…that’s not a secret. What I am thinking is “I don’t want to blow this” and with any luck he’s thinking the same thing.
We talked about the obvious chemistry between us and how that’s pretty exciting. Then he mentioned that he felt a bit hurt on Monday that I put up my boundaries so vocally. He wanted to assure me that he’s not the “typical” guy and not just looking to have sex. He wants to get to know me, and he won’t rush into sex with me and certainly wouldn’t push me into having sex with him before WE are ready.
I appreciated his honesty and had to remind him that Monday was only our 2nd date and that not knowing him all that well…I felt that I needed to have all my cards on the table as it were. I explained how in the past I tended to rush into the sex part and that a) that always meant the sex was crappy and b) pretty much gave the kiss of death to any hope of a relationship developing. I basically told him that sex was not part of “dating” for me…but rather now reserved for “relationships”. The entire time he was nodding his head emphatically and saying things along the lines of “I couldn’t agree more” etc.
I must say that he is doing a great job of wooing me. We’ve made plans for Monday – this weekend is hectic for both of us- especially him as he has a conference to host and football to watch.
*side note*
Paul McCartney is the Half Time Show at the Super Bowl this year! Raise you hands if you think this is the LAMEST entertainment at one of the most popular sporting events of the year? Ok…now everyone on the planet, please put your arms down…this isn’t an ad for deodorant!
Ronan drove me back to my place and we made out in his car like we were 16 year olds for nearly an hour! What a rush! The man says things to me that make my knees go weak…good thing I was sitting down!
I went up to my apartment at 2AM! 4 hours of sleep and I’m at the office playing around with airline tickets. My god…wish I could issue all 89 of these tomorrow…but I can’t. Any spelling errors will cost me $50.00 CAD a pop. Any accounting errors could cost me up to $800.00 US per error! YIKES!
How am I expected to concentrate today with the ghost of Ronan’s touch still lingering on my skin??
Last night I had no more than 15 minutes to get ready after my Yoga class for my date with Ronan. I had put out the clothes I wanted to wear before hand so I could cut down on any sort of decision time.
I ran home from yoga, hopped in the shower and did the quick once over. Clothes on, makeup on and hair…well….I did try….but my hair never wants to behave. It's straight when I want it curly, it's curly when I want it straight….and when I don’t give a rat's ass what my hair looks like it does a bizarre combo of straily!
So the look I went for was Librarian Vixen! My corduroy tan skirt fell just below my knees, brown boots set off my calves nicely, and my white button down top wasn’t too low cut. In fact…for those of you who know and love me know that when I say low cut top…it isn’t the Paris Hilton Low Cut Top but more along the Sandra Bullock Low Cut Top look. My glasses completed my look as L.V.
Ronan picked me up and off we went to the Cellar Jazz Club! We snagged some seats at the back and took in the club. It’s a pretty nifty place, on the small side of things with a real Jazz feel to the place…intimate tables with a single candle burning…low lights and a small-ish stage. This place is DEFINITELY a great date place! We could chat easily, be cozy with each other, people watch and of course, check out the Hot Jazz Music!
We were one of the first people to arrive and the last ones to leave. I have never felt more comfortable with another man. I felt very confident, sexy and an all around Goddess. It is really easy to talk to Ronan about everything! He even listened to me crap on about recycling, the environment and how I haven’t been to the Vancouver Art Gallery in 3 months! He shared his passion for Football, Baseball and traveling to various US cities. We both agreed that Chicago KICKS ASS and that Seattle is not far behind in the coolness factor. Neither of us have been to NYC yet but both would love to go. Him for the Yankees, me for the MET.
We talked a lot in terms of “this summer WE should…” and “I would love to share (insert activity/event) with you” It was nice…but both of us playing things a bit close to the chest as it were. We know we both really like each other…that’s not a secret. What I am thinking is “I don’t want to blow this” and with any luck he’s thinking the same thing.
We talked about the obvious chemistry between us and how that’s pretty exciting. Then he mentioned that he felt a bit hurt on Monday that I put up my boundaries so vocally. He wanted to assure me that he’s not the “typical” guy and not just looking to have sex. He wants to get to know me, and he won’t rush into sex with me and certainly wouldn’t push me into having sex with him before WE are ready.
I appreciated his honesty and had to remind him that Monday was only our 2nd date and that not knowing him all that well…I felt that I needed to have all my cards on the table as it were. I explained how in the past I tended to rush into the sex part and that a) that always meant the sex was crappy and b) pretty much gave the kiss of death to any hope of a relationship developing. I basically told him that sex was not part of “dating” for me…but rather now reserved for “relationships”. The entire time he was nodding his head emphatically and saying things along the lines of “I couldn’t agree more” etc.
I must say that he is doing a great job of wooing me. We’ve made plans for Monday – this weekend is hectic for both of us- especially him as he has a conference to host and football to watch.
*side note*
Paul McCartney is the Half Time Show at the Super Bowl this year! Raise you hands if you think this is the LAMEST entertainment at one of the most popular sporting events of the year? Ok…now everyone on the planet, please put your arms down…this isn’t an ad for deodorant!
Ronan drove me back to my place and we made out in his car like we were 16 year olds for nearly an hour! What a rush! The man says things to me that make my knees go weak…good thing I was sitting down!
I went up to my apartment at 2AM! 4 hours of sleep and I’m at the office playing around with airline tickets. My god…wish I could issue all 89 of these tomorrow…but I can’t. Any spelling errors will cost me $50.00 CAD a pop. Any accounting errors could cost me up to $800.00 US per error! YIKES!
How am I expected to concentrate today with the ghost of Ronan’s touch still lingering on my skin??
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Ok...I think we can pretty much all agree with vigorous nodding of our heads that I have not been the Mae West when it comes to choosing the guys I date. Well...STOP THE PRESS! I have entered a New Era and Area of the Gene Pool!
Ronan and I had our 2nd date on Monday night and I am still coming down from cloud 5. (Let's not get carried away here...it was only our 2nd date after all).
He came over to my place at around 7PM still dressed in his suit from work. YUMMY! Ronan has a very interesting job and though I won't go into to details about it, I am surprised that he has to wear a suit...but happily surprised to be clear. I almost swooned when I opened the door to see him in his long lovely leather jacket and his suit. NICE. One shallow point I feel the need to make. Ronan has a football/rugby players build and he fills out his suit a-la-Arnold Schwartzenegger in the opening sequence of True Lies. YUMM YUMMM YUMMMMMMM. (swoon)
*ahem*
So our date. We decided to rent a movie, grab some beer and order in pizza. Ronan is a single foodie like me :) FUN! This means that we are both neurotic when it comes to food...but especially when our food touches other food. I KNOW I have weird food issues and I'm OK with that. I'm just glad he's goofy that way too!
We go for a wee walk to rent the movie and grab the bevvies. Ronan is such a gentleman. Seriously...we held hands, he put his arm around me, it was all just very lovely. He carried the beer home...he's just very different from the last few guys I've dated. What a relief!
We cuddled up on the couch and got ready to watch the movies. We had rented "Cellular" - the only good point about this movie is the wicked "Sinnerman" mix at the end of the movie. Other than that...I didn't believe ol' Kimmy in her role and the new kid in the movie put his shirt back on wayyy too soon for me. Near the end of the predictable plot of "Cellulra" we just started chatting. We were more into each other than the movie. Nice.
Ronan asks me questions about my life and really listens to me. He laughs at my stories when appropriate and tells his own as well. I feel really relaxed around him...very comfy...but with a slight twinge of nervousness.
We put on our 2nd movie "Napoleon Dynamite" and chatted a wee bit before...before....Ronan leans in and kisses me and then BAM. That was the movie done. We played tonsil hockey for the rest of the night.
(See that...see what I did there? I brought up hockey and Ronan together again....nice touch I think).
Wowzer. This man can kiss!! Seriously...kissing is so important to me. It was a fabulous make out session!! He respected all my boundaries and put up a few of his own too. He doesn't want to rush things physically and neither do I. Hoorah!
We are out again tonight...live Jazz at The Cellar.
I'll let you know how that goes. And I promise to make it flow a lot better than this posting...I'm running out of time here.
A few notes from the comments on the last 2 entries:
Winter - Whereas I do love the All Blacks...I am more of an Aussie Rules fan....so SUCKS TO
YOU WITH NOBS ON!
For a guy you know a lot more about vibes and dils than I realized. woah.
TenDollarMan: Keyboard cleaner? You craque me up mate! Don't you work with computer
bits?
Lady K - I'll put astrix next to my particularly hot postings so you won't have to blush at
work...though I've seen you blush...and it's a very becoming look on you!
SundayMorningHangOver: More women talk about sex like I do than you are probably aware
of. Most women just don't talk to men about it like I do. Some may say I have no shame...and they'd be right! Teehee.
Tracy: DUDE. Do NOT take up smoking! It's bad for you! And you are phreakin' hilarious
btw. Loved the "If you want to date me click here" thingy on your blog. Laughed my arse off!...seriously....I have no bum now.
Ok....must get ready for tonight's date. Skirt, boots, low cut top! He's not coming up tonight....but I can still make him wish he were!
mwwahahahhahaha
Ronan and I had our 2nd date on Monday night and I am still coming down from cloud 5. (Let's not get carried away here...it was only our 2nd date after all).
He came over to my place at around 7PM still dressed in his suit from work. YUMMY! Ronan has a very interesting job and though I won't go into to details about it, I am surprised that he has to wear a suit...but happily surprised to be clear. I almost swooned when I opened the door to see him in his long lovely leather jacket and his suit. NICE. One shallow point I feel the need to make. Ronan has a football/rugby players build and he fills out his suit a-la-Arnold Schwartzenegger in the opening sequence of True Lies. YUMM YUMMM YUMMMMMMM. (swoon)
*ahem*
So our date. We decided to rent a movie, grab some beer and order in pizza. Ronan is a single foodie like me :) FUN! This means that we are both neurotic when it comes to food...but especially when our food touches other food. I KNOW I have weird food issues and I'm OK with that. I'm just glad he's goofy that way too!
We go for a wee walk to rent the movie and grab the bevvies. Ronan is such a gentleman. Seriously...we held hands, he put his arm around me, it was all just very lovely. He carried the beer home...he's just very different from the last few guys I've dated. What a relief!
We cuddled up on the couch and got ready to watch the movies. We had rented "Cellular" - the only good point about this movie is the wicked "Sinnerman" mix at the end of the movie. Other than that...I didn't believe ol' Kimmy in her role and the new kid in the movie put his shirt back on wayyy too soon for me. Near the end of the predictable plot of "Cellulra" we just started chatting. We were more into each other than the movie. Nice.
Ronan asks me questions about my life and really listens to me. He laughs at my stories when appropriate and tells his own as well. I feel really relaxed around him...very comfy...but with a slight twinge of nervousness.
We put on our 2nd movie "Napoleon Dynamite" and chatted a wee bit before...before....Ronan leans in and kisses me and then BAM. That was the movie done. We played tonsil hockey for the rest of the night.
(See that...see what I did there? I brought up hockey and Ronan together again....nice touch I think).
Wowzer. This man can kiss!! Seriously...kissing is so important to me. It was a fabulous make out session!! He respected all my boundaries and put up a few of his own too. He doesn't want to rush things physically and neither do I. Hoorah!
We are out again tonight...live Jazz at The Cellar.
I'll let you know how that goes. And I promise to make it flow a lot better than this posting...I'm running out of time here.
A few notes from the comments on the last 2 entries:
Winter - Whereas I do love the All Blacks...I am more of an Aussie Rules fan....so SUCKS TO
YOU WITH NOBS ON!
For a guy you know a lot more about vibes and dils than I realized. woah.
TenDollarMan: Keyboard cleaner? You craque me up mate! Don't you work with computer
bits?
Lady K - I'll put astrix next to my particularly hot postings so you won't have to blush at
work...though I've seen you blush...and it's a very becoming look on you!
SundayMorningHangOver: More women talk about sex like I do than you are probably aware
of. Most women just don't talk to men about it like I do. Some may say I have no shame...and they'd be right! Teehee.
Tracy: DUDE. Do NOT take up smoking! It's bad for you! And you are phreakin' hilarious
btw. Loved the "If you want to date me click here" thingy on your blog. Laughed my arse off!...seriously....I have no bum now.
Ok....must get ready for tonight's date. Skirt, boots, low cut top! He's not coming up tonight....but I can still make him wish he were!
mwwahahahhahaha
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