When too much still isn't enough

*** WARNING**** THIS POST IS FAIRLY GRAPHIC - AND NOT IN AN EROTIC WAY***

The squeamish should not read this. This may offend some people.

Ronan and I spent some serious time catching up since his 7 day trip to Alberta Some of it was talking with our mouths...most of it was speaking with our bodies.

I have NEVER experienced this before...but in one day I had so many orgasms that I simply lost count (though at a guess I'd say 9) And here's the weird thing...even though I was a bit sore and very sensitive...I STILL wanted more!!! Oh my!

The workings of men and women are so different and I admit that it's a bit unfair. While I was pleased over and over again by Ronan...it was a bit different for him. I was only able to bring him to that place of splendour twice in one day and though I made valiant efforts for a 3rd or 4rth time...it just wasn't in the cards.

This morning we were both pouting. I had some minor issues this morning during oral sex and he was very hurt that I couldn't orgasm. That put a LOT of pressure on me. I didn't want to focus on that...I just want to enjoy things as they happened. Then when I finally DID have an orgasm...he asked me if I faked it. That was hurtful and a bit uncalled for I think, but I let it slide. His ego was bruised and I wasn't about to get into a discussion about faking it that early in the morning...or indeed as I was still basking in my post coital bliss.

Moments later when we were back at each other I was trying my best to please him, only to have him stop completely and say that it just wasn't going to happen...that there was too much pressure on him time wise (I had to get up and go to work in 10 minutes) and that it "wasn't that kind of morning".

So what is up with that?

He was really upset at the thought that he couldn't make me orgasm with his mouth this morning...but I wasn't allowed to get upset that I couldn't give him an orgasm. Hello Mr. Pot...meet Ms. Kettle...I believe you have mutual blackness in common.

There really is something strange that happens to my body around Ronan. For as sore I was yesterday...I simply could not get enough of him. I long for the day when we can spend 24 hours with each other doing nothing but making love alllll day. Ok logically we'd have to stop for bathroom and meal breaks...but for the most part we could just explore each other's bodies and all the ways we can please each other.

Let's go back to the incident this morning for a moment. Where as I have faked things in the past, I have learned from my mistake and simply refuse to fake an orgasm...how else will Ronan know how to help me achieve orgasm? I could fake it...but why? Who's losing out there -ME that's who. And Ronan too I suppose...like me, he takes pride and joy in being able to please his partner.

It does bother me that he seemed to be OK with him not cuming this morning but that it was not acceptable if I didn't. I too love to please and half my pleasure it pleasing him. And maybe we do have to have a discussion about faking it.

Now I know I've already posted about this...but I am actually wondering more and more about the Fake Male Orgasm.

Sometimes I can' t feel it. I'm not kidding. I'm a bit of a flooder if things are working well for me...and if I have an orgasm (or many) then I get a lot wetter. I've even experienced that illusive Female Ejaculation (twice with Ronan) which of course just soaks all the bed linen and is a bit embarrassing - though I don't think Ronan actually noticed or if he did, didn't care.

So...during an average love making session I will probably have roughly 2-3 orgasms. This means I'm so lubed up I can't feel any other "foreign" liquids. Also, Ronan isn't "cut" so sometimes his semen gets trapped as it were and so there isn't much in me to begin with (or should that be 'end with'?).

Could HE be faking?

Obviously he can't fake it during oral sex, and I admit that I do love my vitamin R in the morning. I am sad when he won't let me play until he scores, but I do understand that men and women are different. It took me YEARS to have my first orgasm with a partner and another year to learn how to have one nearly every time. And with Ronan I think I have been EXTREMELY lucky and have been able to cum pretty much all the time...the exception was yesterday when I was simply just too sensitive from my countless other orgasms!

Ah well. Can't wait until Friday night...dinner, U2 concert and then lots and lots of bed time play!

3 Months and counting and I STILL can't get enough of this man...both in and out of the bedroom.

Blame the oven cleaner!

I've cleaned my oven today.

I want to make this point very clear. I went out and bought that "Easy Off" industrial oven cleaner and got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed my tiny oven spotless! The fumes were amazing - I can't remember it ever being so stinky or horrible and I had the kitchen window open, the patio door in the living room open as well as the fan on the oven going.

I need you to understand that I was exposed to these fumes for approximately 30 minutes. I think that it will help to know this as I go into the post.

2.5 Hours prior to cleaning the oven I phoned one of my best friends Emily. She lives in Ireland and I haven't talked to her in a while so instead of a long winded email I thought I would jump on the phone and ring her. We had a WONDERFUL conversation about everything...as it is with best friends. Even though we might not talk that often, every time we do talk it's like it hasn't been 5 years since she's moved to Ireland!

Emily has gotten engaged! Hoorah!!! Robert is a lovely man and after meeting him 2 years ago I quickly decided that he is good enough for Emily. They are a great couple and madly in love. After purchasing a new car and then a condo together they are even more convinced that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. I am sooo happy for Emily!! She deserves the best, she is a wonderful woman and I love her to bits and pieces!

During her telling of the proposal (very romantic - Robert proposed while they were on a weekend getaway to Paris - lovely!) Emily asked me if I would be her maid of honour. Well...what an honour indeed!! Of course I accept!!! She is getting married in May of 2007 which happens to coincide with the same month and year that I was planning a 2 week vacation to Ireland. Hoorah! Fabulous.

I told Emily more details about Ronan and I and all the good stuff there. It was lovely to talk to her though I'm sure my phone bill will be outrageous. We talked for nearly 2 hours! Yikes! Still...totally worth it!

So after I rung off with Emily I was full of energy and decided to clean my apartment. This is when I got the bright idea to clean my oven. Good for me...I'm being very domestic and thinking about Emily and how beautiful her wedding is going to be and I began thinking about what sort of dress I would wear as her Maid of Honour.

After the oven was cleaned I decided that I had to get out of my apartment if only to get some fresh air. In a daze I wander up the street. I have no destination in mind and yet somehow I end up at the London Drugs on Davie and in the magazine aisle. Ok...there are loads of bridal mags...I pick one up...flip through it...I'm looking for bridesmaids dresses. My god there are some "risque" dresses out there.

I buy 2 magazines and some lip stick and then wander on home. I am wondering what kind of dress Emily will go for. She's a bit of a traditional woman...I can see her in a floor length gown with lots of lace but still tastefully done.

I come home and my apartment still smells like oven cleaner. I put the mags on my table and make some dinner. While I'm waiting for it to cook I flip through the mags. Page after page of wedding dress with very few bridesmaids dresses in between. I begin to dog ear some pages of the bridesmaids dresses I like and can see myself wearing. Emily has given me free reign to choose my dress as long as it's hunter green so I feel good about my "getting on it" as it were. Besides...she's coming home in September so I can show her the ones I have picked out and we can talk about whether she's happy with it. (I can't imagine why she wouldn't be...we have similar tastes).

And then it happens. I turn the page after making fun of some pretty ugly wedding gowns...and WHAM. I see the most gorgeous wedding dress EVER. I have no idea why I did this. I dog eared the page. I sat staring at the dress for what seemed like 10 minutes. I pictured myself wearing the dress...walking down the aisle...

OH MY GOD! Give my melon a shake!!! Quick...try to smooth out the dog ear on the page. YIKES. "I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy" I say to myself 3 times as fast as I can...and in doing so solidify my crazyness!

Wowzers. Flip flip flip go the pages as I frantically try to find a bridesmaid's dress to settle my eyes on. Back back back the pages go and I stare at the dress for another minute. Yes...long hair unfettered and slightly curled...maybe a butterfly necklace...WHAT??? NOOOOOOO

I close the magazine and throw it on the couch. I could still see it there...it was calling my name...I could hear it.

"Kwerkie...pick me up....just look at me....there's no harm in looking....I'm sooooo pretty! I'm exactly the sort of dress you've always dreamt of...LOOOOOOOK at MEEEEEEE"

For-get-it!

I grab the mag. Open- shut. Flip flip flip. SLAM! Nope. Not going to go crazy. I put the magazine in my closet under all my hats and scarves so as to muffle it's call.

Man that oven cleaner is strong shit!

The bag is open...but the cat may still be inside.

First off...just a comment on the recent comments. I very much appreciate all of them even if I don't agree with all of them...though that hasn't happened in a while - my not agreeing I mean. One thing I do find interesting is that all the men are commenting on the recent posts...ne pas de female perspective - though I guess all my posts ARE from a female perspective...still...thought it was interesting that the guys were on board but the girls haven't said a peep.

Ok...next. Giermo - I love the question! It's a bit of a tricky one as you have seen in the past with the dilemma of dates being blogged and knowing it.

Does anyone remember this post ? This was me giving Ronan access to my blog. We talked about it at length. He knew I wrote online and he knew it was about my personal life and specifically relationships/dating/sex. He often asked if he could see it and I brought up the past issues. I was nervous about it.

He explained that he wanted to know me...all parts of me and especially my writing as I am so passionate about it. This all sounded so lovely...but yet I was still hesitant. We came up with a sort of compromise. I would select postings and read them to him...I would edit a bit if I felt the need. He accepted this.

When I started writing more about him and reading some of those postings to him he was excited and seemed happy that I would want to share my thoughts on him with the world. Then he began asking for full access to the blog. Still I was hesitant.

As you can tell by my last few postings...I use this as a sounding board as much as anything. Sometimes I write when I am ripe with emotions and I may not be as kind as I would be after I calmed down. So my main concern was this :how he would react to a negative posting about him?

After struggling with it for a while I decided to give him full access and deal with the consequences as they happened. Ronan told me that he deleted the link to my site because he didn't want me to feel pressured into giving it to him. He felt that we could maintain the way things were...I could chose to read him posts and that would be that.

I believe that someone reading The Single Files *does* get an inside view into my head. This can be both very positive and fairly negative. For instance, sometimes I write when I'm angry, sometimes I write when I'm sad...all my emotions come out in my posts and this can be overwhelming to some people...especially if they are involved in why I am having those emotions. I don't use The Single Files to hurt anyone's feelings, but I admit that sometimes it may happen. Just like a flippant comment you make to one person might hurt their feelings, sometimes my posts might offend someone.

On the flip side of that...look how gooey I am over Ronan...if he is indeed reading my posts than he pretty much knows how I feel and there is less guess work involved. However, I am, as you can probably tell, a pretty open person. There is no secret to how I feel about most things. When I'm hurt, happy, sad, delighted...everyone will know.

I am also a big believer in communication - not just with my partner, but with EVERYONE in my life. That way you maintain healthy happy relationships, friendships and all that good stuff.

So I read Ronan the postings about our hic-ups and he was so shocked that I could write about possibly ending things with him - it was the tag line of this posting. Then I read him This one ( I am way braver than I ever imagined - that was a risky posting to read) and he was elated.

Sometimes I wonder if he does read The Single Files...he makes comments that I think sometimes refer to my posts. I don't mind...I knew what I was doing when I gave him the link.

So yes...I have opened the bag and though I suspect the cat has slinked out...there are no definite signs of it.

The Name Game

Giermo brings up a very good point from my previous post. Name calling is very much a part of a relationship...I'm not talking about the horrible names we may call our girlfriends/boyfriends when we are angry beyond belief etc (and I am totally against that btw)...but the pet names we have for people in our lives.

I do call Aramous "baby". All the time. It wasn't a fox pass that occurred because I was sleepy...I recognized his voice and called him by his pet name. I don't remember the last time that I didn't' call him "baby"...maybe it was within the first few weeks of getting to know him that I refrained...but since we've grown closer as friends I have called him "baby" ever since. (I am using the lower case b to distinguish the "degree" of babyness)

I call Pedro by a cutesy wootsie nick name that I have no idea if he hates or not. I have nick names for my girl friends too. Juanita is also Baby or sometimes Babycakes, Janice is Dude...so is Vera but I say Vera's a-la Joey from friends tone of voice. Even Lady K has been called baby more times than I can count!

Ronan did ask me what the difference is from when I call him "Baby, or Sweetheart, or Sweetpea or Sweets" etc and when I use "baby" for Aramous or use Pedro's nick name (which I can't reveal else it will reveal his true identity - which isn't fair).

Mostly it's an internal thing. It's the way I feel when I say it. When I call Aramous "baby" I have a different voice. When I call Ronan "Baby" or any of the other various lovey dovey nick names I use for him I believe my voice is softer...I feel like every time I am calling him those names to him that I am actually telling him that I love him.

I don't believe that Ronan was calling me by his ex's name to "get back at me" but I do think it happened because we were having a heated discussion. In fact...he's called me by her name on 3 occasions and all 3 times there were some pretty heavy emotions going on - especially yesterday.

I did talk to Ronan again last night...and we basically went over *EVERYTHING*. Thank god. I feel sooo much better!! I told him what I needed from a relationship, what I wanted, and what I wouldn't put up with. He listened to me without interrupting and agreed with everything I said. Hoorah.

He then talked about his feelings...how he feels vulnerable around me sometimes, that he doesn't want to lose me etc. He also talked about his defense mechanisms and how he can be sometimes insecure/jealous if another man is affectionate towards me. He doesn't have many female friends and the ones he does have are not as touchy-feely as me, so it's a bit new for him to see a woman be affectionate to just her guy friends.

Now...to be clear, it's not like I'm frenching any of my guy friends or groping them inappropriately in their bathing suit area. I am a very touchy-feely kinda gal. I love hugs and give them often. I am also an arm grabber or leg toucher when I am laughing at a particularly funny story. This is doled out indiscriminately...male or female - though I rarely touch strangers.

So the news of the day is this: Ronan and I talked it out. We both put our cards on the table as it were and talked about what a relationship means to us and what we want. We agree that we are on the same page.

One thing I wanted to point out to him is that we do have time on our side. There is no rush. Let's just see where this goes. We're both crazy about each other, we both have our own unique insecurities and as long as we deal with them openly and honestly then I'm sure we are on our way to building a solid loving relationship. Let's just take things as they come.

A bump in the road?

I'm feeling frustrated.

Ronan and I talked most of Sunday night...then we met up on Monday and talked some more, had a WONDERFUL dinner - things were going so well...and then WHAMO!

Ronan makes flippant comments about cheating - hooking up with girls...still trolling lavalife for "fun". I told him how this makes me feel badly and that I really don't like it etc. I asked him why he keeps saying these things? He said it was just an offhand remark. Something happened then and I'm not sure what it was - but he stopped being as affectionate to me. We crawled into bed and he turned away from me.

Hurt and confused I tried to get him to talk to me about it but he wouldn't.

Then something strange happened.

Aramous phones at 11:50PM and I answer the phone. I call Aramous "baby" and we have a brief and awkward conversation - I was waking up...it was nearly midnight when he called.

Ronan is now even more distant to me. Upset that I could call someone else "baby", upset that it was a man who I did go out with and that it didn't matter if it was only one date. I don't think that Ronan believes men and women can be friends and affectionate with each other. He believes that friends don't hug or kiss etc and now he needs to decide if he can be around "that".

He also says that he doesn't like the "restrictions" I have put on him. This is coming from a man that not 5 hrs prior was professing his love and talking about marriage etc. How can I reconcile his wanting to still troll through lavalife and him saying that he doesn't want to be with anyone else? If that is true...why bother looking?

Just when you think it can't get any worse...it does!!! In the morning he is still distant. No morning cuddles...no fooling around....nothing. I try to talk to him about it before he leaves...and then....and then...THEN he calls me by his ex girlfriend's name! WTF???

Somehow I managed NOT to slap him. Amazing self restraint on my part I do believe.

He leaves and I am upset.

I get ready for work and on my way to work I call him. We chat. I don't feel any better and nothing is resolved.

We meet for lunch. We chat. Some things are cleared up. We are both in agreement that his behaviour makes no sense. I'd like to point out that whereas recognition is half the battle...it doesn't change the fact that he shut me out and pouted over nothing.

His insecurity with my male friends is unwarranted. I have never, not ONCE, cheated on ANY of my boyfriends. I came very very close to once and most people would believe it would be justified. The German was cheating on me after all...would have been tit for tat. HOWEVER! I am just not the type of person that would do that. As unhappy as I was, as tempted as I was...I did not pursue it and removed myself from the "danger zone" as it were. I've had 3 relationships where my boyfriend had cheated on me...I know what that feels like and it's really shitty. I would not inflict that on someone else.

Besides that...I'm not a very good liar (I can never remember the details) and the GUILT of having cheated on someone would eat me alive....ALIVE I tell you!!!!

What I want to do here is build a solid, trusting, loving relationship with Ronan. And that can only happen if we talk about this shit-house behaviour and resolve it. If it doesn't change...then things are going to look a whole lot different. I'd be single again and would have to cut my hair.

Kwerkie - wanting long flowing tresses.

Deafening silence.

I am at a total loss and feel so low that I don't' think I could sink any further.

Here I am back from Sun Peaks and I haven't heard from Ronan since Tuesday night. Well...*technically* I did speak with him on Wed. Our 2 conversations were less than 1 minute long and he didn't seem to want to talk to me at all - rushing me off the phone faster than Japanese Guards pushing commuters on the Bullet Train.

He bailed on the lunch date and driving me to the airport to handle some personal and important errands. Whereas I understand that...I have not yet heard boo from him since. I have called admittedly too many times.

Here is what his silence is telling me. He's just not that into me.

How can this possibly be??? He tells me he loves me, we talk about the future together, all signs before WED seemed to point in the direction of a serious relationship between us. However...after making several attempts to call him - he has ignored me. I even pleaded with him in tears on 2 messages. Ronan has call display - he knows it's me calling. He is purposely cutting me off and this is extremely upsetting. I know that there is nothing I have done to warrant this behaviour.

If things did not go well for him on Wed why shut me out? Am I not supposed to be his Rock? The person that is there for him, to love and support him through thick and thin? Why face troubles alone when he knows that I love him and would do anything I could to help him?

This deliberate silence on his part is painful. I can't call him now...it's up to him. He has my schedule..knows I'm home tonight.

Part of me wished he would be there at the airport to meet me...surprise me. The disappointment was Acme Anvil Sized and landed right in my stomach when it was glaringly obvious that not only was he not there...but that the chances of him thinking to meet me were slim to begin with. I wanted to cry but didn't.

What upsets me the most is what I am hearing by his continued silence is that he just doesn't care.

Am I crazy?

Space - the final frontier

Ronan and I have seen each other every day for the past 5 days...I will not be seeing him tonight, but will see him again on Wednesday. In fact....I'm taking him to lunch on WED and hoping he'll drive me to the airport for my flight up to Sun Peaks (work stuff).

Normally when I see someone for 3 days in a row I get all wiggy and start wanting my own space and needing time on my own etc. With Ronan...I actually look forward to seeing him every day. This is a strange new feeling. I actually *want* to see him every day. How bizarre! I've never wanted to spend this much time with anyone.

I'm sure that I still need my own time, time to laundry if nothing else! But for now this seems like a comfortable pattern for me. Initially when we started having sleep overs I couldn't sleep well beside Ronan as I just wasn't used to someone being in my bed. Now on the night's when we are apart...I can't sleep well because I'm too used to having him in my bed! It's a funny feeling...comfortable and surprising.

I do not want to get all caught up in Ronan and not touch base with my friends (I can clearly picture Lady K, Aramous and Pedro all cocking one eye brow at me each...not that they only have 1 eye brow between them....but y'know what I mean). I still need my girls nights out...though to be honest there weren't that many before I started dating Ronan.

I'm 30...most of my friends are in my same age range give or take 4 years or so. How did life get so busy? When I was younger and going to University every weekend was girls night out or parties with friends. Now I'm lucky to do that more than five times a year!

Tonight I am doing laundry and packing for my trip tomorrow. It's late. When I am back from Sun Peaks I am going to make SERIOUS plans to meet up with everyone...Individually or a group..I don't mind. I want to keep the important people in my life close and not lose touch...they are my reality checks.

I talked to Ronan for over an hour tonight...still doesn't feel like enough but I don't actually have anything pressing to share with him. He's working late tonight.
I wonder how I'll sleep tonight. I can always cuddle up to his pillow...his scent lingering there is better than no reminder at all.

Tiaras vs. Helmets - round 1

*DING*

The bell has now sounded on the fight between me wanting to wear the Tiara and needing to wear the Helmet.

I'm a wee bit of a tomboy. Sort of. I love to be all girly...wear pink (I actually do like the colour pink - though I'd say that burgundy would be my favourite colour) skirts, dresses, high heels...but I also love wearing jeans and a t-shirt, sweatpants and men's shorts (don't ask...just accept).

I have been VERY brave recently. When I was in New Orleans I bought some lingerie. Really sexy stuff...the outfits even came with thongs! I NEVER wear thongs! I would rather opt for nothing than wear a thong. Still...I was compelled by a force stronger than myself.

My favourite of the 2 outfits I wore when I once again met up with Ronan after being apart from him for 2 weeks. It's a dress type little number...see-through of course....black with pink spaghetti straps and a bit of pink lace up the sides and around the bottom...which is barely long enough to cover *my* bottom. The thong is black with pink straps as well with just the right amount of pink detailing on the front.

The thing about wearing very sexy lingerie is that you can't help but feel sexy. I waffled between feeling like a confident sex kitten to feeling somewhat shy - convinced that everyone could see my thong under my skirt. Still...I think that my outfit was a big hit with Ronan. I am still amazed that we made it through dinner without ripping each other's clothes off...though I guess they frown at that sort of thing at the Cactus Club. teehee.

So my questions is this....how do I balance the desire to be feminine and lady like with my real need for rough and tumble outside pursuits? I want to wear make up and be very much a woman when I am around Ronan...but I also want to be able to hike up a mountain and get a bit dirty while still being thought of as the sexiest woman alive in his opinion. Short of buying pink hiking boots I am at a loss.

I'd like to think that I can be sexy in my sweat pants and tank tops but alas Ronan has made several comments that prevents me from wearing them in his presence. Sometimes the clothes do not make the goddess.

Looks like another rainy weekend in store for us here in Vancouver...maybe I should buy pink wellingtons.

Kwerkie