inside of myself...I have decided to forage once more into this blog.
There has been a few drastic changes that have occurred and so I thought it high time to share. First off...the move to Calgary has been very much like a dream. Only in the dream I'm stressed out about the sheer volume of work I have to do!
I'm a bit lonely...but am slowly making friends in the real world by continuously going out and joining new and exciting ventures. I"m learning Spanish! (hola!) and I'm going to the gym (sometimes) and...I am the proud companion to a 4 legged furry baby named Tiernan!
So far I have to say that I LOVE being a dog owner! I get to go outside 3 times a day (though in the bitter cold I admit we don't go for a walk) and I'm meeting loads of neat people at the dog park.
I am far too busy at work though. It's mental how many new schools I have as clients. I am always going hither and tither and it constantly amazes me how entitled my new clients are. Perhaps they are my new clients because they have been 'fired' from the competition!
My dating life...well. I am going on NUMEROUS dates -but I'm still no closer to finding anyone who I am particularly excited about. There are statistically more men than women in this city and people here care more about personality than physicality which is refreshing but at the same time...I find many of the men here to be Momma's Boys or just lack the self confidence to be able to be in a partnership with me.
I just wonder if this move is me trying to better myself or trying to run away from myself. There is a large part of this that feels very unreal. Like suddenly I'm going to wake up and then find myself back in my old place in Vancouver.
This is such trifle but I had to at least *start* to write something. I do apologize for mundane nature of the post...like I said...I just needed to begin again.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Atlas - thy name is Kwerkie
I have some pretty amazing talents. Oh it's true...you know it it to be true. The thing is...just because I am really really gooood at something doesn't necessarily mean it's anything that is helpful to myself or to others.
I have a great talent for procrastination for example. This never seems to do me any great favours.
I have a mild talent for biting my tongue...today I nearly relinquished my self control to rebuke someone...but I counted to 10 and remembered that I have the ability to just let some things go.
I am feeling 49 tons of pressure and for some reason...I keep adding to the pile of ...well...STUFF that I need to do in the next 4 weeks. Some of this pressure I create all on my own with my own idea of what I think I want to have happen and how exactly I want that to happen. I have an amazing talent for expectations.
The car situation this week - this is making me feel like 'wholly crap! I'm growing up!!!" There is a certain amount of resistance to that...there is a part of me that thinks this is will just weigh me down - oh the responsibility of it all. The other part of me recognizes the amazing freedom this will give me - there is an even larger part of me that also knows how dangerous this freedom can be for me...I have an amazing talent for running away.
Let's see - this weekend I'm trying to really let go of any sort of expectation and I might try to just try some flights of fancy. I have an amazing talent for whimsy too - ask me about my brief stay in a Thai brothel!
And the move - I am excited and finally things are falling into place for this. I received the rental agreement for my place in Calgary - though I do believe it has the wrong unit number on it! YIKES. It requires another call to Stan (the landlord) to make sure that the i's I'm crossing are in fact not t's that should be dotted! (yes I'm aware they are mixed)
There is a lot of schtuff to do and I need to stop taking on the other issues both real and perceived. I need to NOT be Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders...maybe it's time to play with Eros for a while...
I have a great talent for procrastination for example. This never seems to do me any great favours.
I have a mild talent for biting my tongue...today I nearly relinquished my self control to rebuke someone...but I counted to 10 and remembered that I have the ability to just let some things go.
I am feeling 49 tons of pressure and for some reason...I keep adding to the pile of ...well...STUFF that I need to do in the next 4 weeks. Some of this pressure I create all on my own with my own idea of what I think I want to have happen and how exactly I want that to happen. I have an amazing talent for expectations.
The car situation this week - this is making me feel like 'wholly crap! I'm growing up!!!" There is a certain amount of resistance to that...there is a part of me that thinks this is will just weigh me down - oh the responsibility of it all. The other part of me recognizes the amazing freedom this will give me - there is an even larger part of me that also knows how dangerous this freedom can be for me...I have an amazing talent for running away.
Let's see - this weekend I'm trying to really let go of any sort of expectation and I might try to just try some flights of fancy. I have an amazing talent for whimsy too - ask me about my brief stay in a Thai brothel!
And the move - I am excited and finally things are falling into place for this. I received the rental agreement for my place in Calgary - though I do believe it has the wrong unit number on it! YIKES. It requires another call to Stan (the landlord) to make sure that the i's I'm crossing are in fact not t's that should be dotted! (yes I'm aware they are mixed)
There is a lot of schtuff to do and I need to stop taking on the other issues both real and perceived. I need to NOT be Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders...maybe it's time to play with Eros for a while...
Monday, July 28, 2008
To sleep perchance to dream
Sooo....day 2 of the insomnia and I have to say that I'm Thankful that I haven't started to hallucinate...yet. So much on my mind lately and feeling like there is so little in my heart :( .
My 93 year old Grandma was here to visit and I saw her 2 days for about 8hrs a day and I just feel numb. I didn't cry. I didn't get excited much. I didn't even feel like I had a visit at all. I was simply in the same room. I was also pretty distracted by the monkeys (my 3 nephews and 1 niece), the constant pain in my hip and lower back and the fact that I have about 1 month to get everything organized for a Big Move and I feel like I hardly know where to begin!
I hung out with Ray on Friday night and that was pretty good for my soul. We always have very deep and emotional laded conversations about relationships and he's convinced that my move to Calgary will see me meeting some fabulous man and starting my family. We shall see. I am trying not to really think about that stuff right now as I have about 3 million loose ends to tie up here before the move - not the least of which is figuring out if I'm going to take all my belongings or just sell them all and have a fresh start there.
My biggest concern right now with the move is my Boss. I don't think he's really thought this through on how much it's going to cost him. He seems very upset that he has to pay for my desk and chair and working materials in Calgary. This seems exceedingly shortsighted of him - I don't pay for any of that stuff HERE...why would I have to pay for that THERE? Idiot. He also believes it's OK to ask me to give up my hard earned holidays to come into the office and sort this stuff out. I'm sure he's going to be SHOCKED when he realizes that it just means he's giving me MORE time off at Christmas on top of my regular holidays. Idiot.
The GOOOOOOD news about the move is that I'm going to be away from him and in control of how often he can micro manage me :) That is the beauty of telling him he can only contact me Mon-Fri 8-4AM...I can then turn off all communication devices and enforce it:) I think he believes I'll be available to him 24/7 and this is simply NOT the case. I know he wants me to be as invested as he is in the company...but until I make his wage...I am just not.
I'm going to see if I can get a few more precious moments of sleep. I've had 4 hrs so far...but it would be fabulous to grab another 30. I hope I have calming dreams.
My 93 year old Grandma was here to visit and I saw her 2 days for about 8hrs a day and I just feel numb. I didn't cry. I didn't get excited much. I didn't even feel like I had a visit at all. I was simply in the same room. I was also pretty distracted by the monkeys (my 3 nephews and 1 niece), the constant pain in my hip and lower back and the fact that I have about 1 month to get everything organized for a Big Move and I feel like I hardly know where to begin!
I hung out with Ray on Friday night and that was pretty good for my soul. We always have very deep and emotional laded conversations about relationships and he's convinced that my move to Calgary will see me meeting some fabulous man and starting my family. We shall see. I am trying not to really think about that stuff right now as I have about 3 million loose ends to tie up here before the move - not the least of which is figuring out if I'm going to take all my belongings or just sell them all and have a fresh start there.
My biggest concern right now with the move is my Boss. I don't think he's really thought this through on how much it's going to cost him. He seems very upset that he has to pay for my desk and chair and working materials in Calgary. This seems exceedingly shortsighted of him - I don't pay for any of that stuff HERE...why would I have to pay for that THERE? Idiot. He also believes it's OK to ask me to give up my hard earned holidays to come into the office and sort this stuff out. I'm sure he's going to be SHOCKED when he realizes that it just means he's giving me MORE time off at Christmas on top of my regular holidays. Idiot.
The GOOOOOOD news about the move is that I'm going to be away from him and in control of how often he can micro manage me :) That is the beauty of telling him he can only contact me Mon-Fri 8-4AM...I can then turn off all communication devices and enforce it:) I think he believes I'll be available to him 24/7 and this is simply NOT the case. I know he wants me to be as invested as he is in the company...but until I make his wage...I am just not.
I'm going to see if I can get a few more precious moments of sleep. I've had 4 hrs so far...but it would be fabulous to grab another 30. I hope I have calming dreams.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
L'ete
So it really is officially Summer in Vancouver and I am enjoying the run of gorgeous days we've had recently.
My back is out and there's a story there...but I'm not going to get into it. I just want to let it allll go. Tuesday of this past week was the first day I was able to actually stand upright...before that I was hobbling around like Igor...the only thing missing was me hissing at someone "Yessss masssster".
Yesterday after my chiropractor appointment I spent a wonderful day with just myself. Harvey called as was planned but I'm glad that he wasn't keen on seeing me - it made it easier for me to be even MORE aloof and blah-zay with him. I wonder if it even registers with him.
My date with myself included an indulgence in Thai food (yeahhhhh Noodle Box!!!) and a long walk along the beach, a completed book and some of my own words written down as well. The evening was spent as I like to spend hot summer nights - a cool glass of wine, a good book and my patio. And then some porn. A great date indeed!
My back is out and there's a story there...but I'm not going to get into it. I just want to let it allll go. Tuesday of this past week was the first day I was able to actually stand upright...before that I was hobbling around like Igor...the only thing missing was me hissing at someone "Yessss masssster".
Yesterday after my chiropractor appointment I spent a wonderful day with just myself. Harvey called as was planned but I'm glad that he wasn't keen on seeing me - it made it easier for me to be even MORE aloof and blah-zay with him. I wonder if it even registers with him.
My date with myself included an indulgence in Thai food (yeahhhhh Noodle Box!!!) and a long walk along the beach, a completed book and some of my own words written down as well. The evening was spent as I like to spend hot summer nights - a cool glass of wine, a good book and my patio. And then some porn. A great date indeed!
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Another brick in the wall
Sooo...it's been about 2 months since Rodger dumped me and there are few thoughts I wanted to share with you - the world.
This is probably the first time in my life I can actually FEEEEEEL my walls coming up. Brick my brick, emotional coping device after emotional coping device I can nearly feel my heart hardening...or maybe it's just been the excess dairy I've been eating.
So I figured the best way to get over Rodger was to get under someone else. *sigh* This is not going as well as I had planned. First off...the guy I have as my 're-bound dude' is older than me by about 13years. Normally this wouldn't bother me but I am beginning to suspect that he's an alcoholic...and so...when he spends the night at my place I repeatedly have dreams of my alcoholic father.
Harvey is kind and has a lot of lovely things to say to me...but we are really not fooling anyone. This is just sex. Good sex for sure...but it's just sex. Now with this really odd Electra factor happening I am finding that I just don't return his calls or texts nearly as quickly as I'm sure he would hope. Sometimes I don't call or text him back at all. I am aloof to him and when he asks me things about myself - I don't really answer him but use very clever deflective skills.
I am amazed that even as I am doing this strange dance of lust with Harvey...I still find myself thinking of Rodger and still hoping that he might actually come to his senses. And then...then I suddenly think...why?
I can't trust Rodger again...so the ONLY reason I would want him to come crawling back would to PURPOSELY (yes - you read that right) be MEAN to him. For some reason I want to hurt him as he hurt me...only worse and with a better vocabulary.
Why is it that I can't seem to resist contacting him only to be aloof and acerbic towards him? WHAT is the point? WHY isn't my energy being spent elsewhere? Like...yoga or working out or painting or ANYTHING but what I'm currently doing.
Even recognizing this toxic behaviour hasn't STOPPED me. I am embarrassed and yet I can't seem to stop myself and move on. I am hoping that by writing all this done I will now be able to let this go.
Let go
Have more
Oh....and I'm moving to Alberta! More news on that soon. I refuse to become a Flames fan...and I'm not sure I can be a full time country music listener...but I might just take up curling in the winter!
This is probably the first time in my life I can actually FEEEEEEL my walls coming up. Brick my brick, emotional coping device after emotional coping device I can nearly feel my heart hardening...or maybe it's just been the excess dairy I've been eating.
So I figured the best way to get over Rodger was to get under someone else. *sigh* This is not going as well as I had planned. First off...the guy I have as my 're-bound dude' is older than me by about 13years. Normally this wouldn't bother me but I am beginning to suspect that he's an alcoholic...and so...when he spends the night at my place I repeatedly have dreams of my alcoholic father.
Harvey is kind and has a lot of lovely things to say to me...but we are really not fooling anyone. This is just sex. Good sex for sure...but it's just sex. Now with this really odd Electra factor happening I am finding that I just don't return his calls or texts nearly as quickly as I'm sure he would hope. Sometimes I don't call or text him back at all. I am aloof to him and when he asks me things about myself - I don't really answer him but use very clever deflective skills.
I am amazed that even as I am doing this strange dance of lust with Harvey...I still find myself thinking of Rodger and still hoping that he might actually come to his senses. And then...then I suddenly think...why?
I can't trust Rodger again...so the ONLY reason I would want him to come crawling back would to PURPOSELY (yes - you read that right) be MEAN to him. For some reason I want to hurt him as he hurt me...only worse and with a better vocabulary.
Why is it that I can't seem to resist contacting him only to be aloof and acerbic towards him? WHAT is the point? WHY isn't my energy being spent elsewhere? Like...yoga or working out or painting or ANYTHING but what I'm currently doing.
Even recognizing this toxic behaviour hasn't STOPPED me. I am embarrassed and yet I can't seem to stop myself and move on. I am hoping that by writing all this done I will now be able to let this go.
Let go
Have more
Oh....and I'm moving to Alberta! More news on that soon. I refuse to become a Flames fan...and I'm not sure I can be a full time country music listener...but I might just take up curling in the winter!
Sorry this is so late...
So Rodger dumped me about 2 months ago and I haven't had the bravery to tell you. It's so ridiculous I know...WHO exactly am I telling anyway? The world?? Sure. Why not.
The WORST of the WORST is ...I was really hurt...still am hurt. I have also remained his 'friend' which seems more painful to me...soon I will likely pull the plug on even that. I do believe my friend card is full.
So here was my initial reaction to Rodger's "It's not you it's me" break up.
***
The problem with being an emotional person is that when I have an emotion...any emotion at all....I really really feel it. I'm not that great at shutting off the switch; of pushing things to the corner and getting to them later (if at all) and it's not like I want to become some sort of Kathy3000 or anything, but wouldn't it be super great if I could just set the doubts and fears aside for a rainy day?
Of course, having said that, I DO live in Vancouver so saving *anything* for a rainy day is a dangerous venture. I'd be more likely to be consumed by the very things I wish to put off if I saved them for a rainy day.
What I have admitted to myself is that I am the common denominator in my life.
If I wish to change some of my behaviours that frustrate me -these things need to be changed from the core.
An example - my apartment seems to be in a constant state of squaller. This does not make me want to spend time in my own abode. This also does not make me want to tackle what feels (really really feels) like an impossible task of creating cleanliness and order.
My apartment reflects my life. Keep it in a state of clutter and mess and my life as a whole seems to be cluttered and messy.
Another good example is that I make some decent coin...but I have NOTHING to show for it and I am successfully playing Ostrich to my debt.
SO...enough! If I can not make myself accountable to myself NOW...when will I? On the cusp of my 40th Birthday? That hardly seems pragmatic. The time is now. The hour is at hand when I can really DO something and make positive changes at my very core.
I deserve to live in a place that makes me feel relaxed and safe. Having to walk a gauntlet just to get to the kitchen is not conducive to that. I deserve to live in a comfortable financial state without the nagging anxiety of knowing I owe this or that.
The nice thing about unexpected events that occur in your life is that you get the opportunity to look at it...really look deeply at it...and figure out ways to make positive steps for only yourself.
This week has me at the bank - please wish me fiscal luck! A car is needed by 30 June and it would be SWELL if I could get a relatively 'newish' one. I'm hoping for a green one...I like the colour green.
Also- I wanted to say something about my friends. What amazing women and men I have in my life! The support and love I have received from you (and you know who you are!!!) was amazing. The martinis and ice cream helped a bit...but the love (and Monkey lovin') was what I really needed. And never underestimate the power of a few beautifully written words to remind oneself of some things that may have temporarily been forgotten.
So here I go...looking at the common denominator, subtracting the messy clutter and financial irresponsibility, adding more positive changes and I might just finally be me - the sum of all awesomeness. ( I had to consciously avoid the use of the term 'pie' in that math analogy).
And...because I don't mind a mixed metaphor...I am suddenly reminded of a very sexy story about a Lotus flower. In my journey I think I am as the Lotus is in the picture here - nearly ready to open and be utterly fabulous.
The WORST of the WORST is ...I was really hurt...still am hurt. I have also remained his 'friend' which seems more painful to me...soon I will likely pull the plug on even that. I do believe my friend card is full.
So here was my initial reaction to Rodger's "It's not you it's me" break up.
***
The problem with being an emotional person is that when I have an emotion...any emotion at all....I really really feel it. I'm not that great at shutting off the switch; of pushing things to the corner and getting to them later (if at all) and it's not like I want to become some sort of Kathy3000 or anything, but wouldn't it be super great if I could just set the doubts and fears aside for a rainy day?
Of course, having said that, I DO live in Vancouver so saving *anything* for a rainy day is a dangerous venture. I'd be more likely to be consumed by the very things I wish to put off if I saved them for a rainy day.
What I have admitted to myself is that I am the common denominator in my life.
If I wish to change some of my behaviours that frustrate me -these things need to be changed from the core.
An example - my apartment seems to be in a constant state of squaller. This does not make me want to spend time in my own abode. This also does not make me want to tackle what feels (really really feels) like an impossible task of creating cleanliness and order.
My apartment reflects my life. Keep it in a state of clutter and mess and my life as a whole seems to be cluttered and messy.
Another good example is that I make some decent coin...but I have NOTHING to show for it and I am successfully playing Ostrich to my debt.
SO...enough! If I can not make myself accountable to myself NOW...when will I? On the cusp of my 40th Birthday? That hardly seems pragmatic. The time is now. The hour is at hand when I can really DO something and make positive changes at my very core.
I deserve to live in a place that makes me feel relaxed and safe. Having to walk a gauntlet just to get to the kitchen is not conducive to that. I deserve to live in a comfortable financial state without the nagging anxiety of knowing I owe this or that.
The nice thing about unexpected events that occur in your life is that you get the opportunity to look at it...really look deeply at it...and figure out ways to make positive steps for only yourself.
This week has me at the bank - please wish me fiscal luck! A car is needed by 30 June and it would be SWELL if I could get a relatively 'newish' one. I'm hoping for a green one...I like the colour green.
Also- I wanted to say something about my friends. What amazing women and men I have in my life! The support and love I have received from you (and you know who you are!!!) was amazing. The martinis and ice cream helped a bit...but the love (and Monkey lovin') was what I really needed. And never underestimate the power of a few beautifully written words to remind oneself of some things that may have temporarily been forgotten.
So here I go...looking at the common denominator, subtracting the messy clutter and financial irresponsibility, adding more positive changes and I might just finally be me - the sum of all awesomeness. ( I had to consciously avoid the use of the term 'pie' in that math analogy).
And...because I don't mind a mixed metaphor...I am suddenly reminded of a very sexy story about a Lotus flower. In my journey I think I am as the Lotus is in the picture here - nearly ready to open and be utterly fabulous.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Les Printempts
I love Vancouver in the spring. Cherry blossoms bursting from trees, pale pink whispers to darker pink kisses. I think the Japanese have something there when they sexualize Cherry Blossoms.
The weather today was typical Vancouver - it started sleepy and grey, clouds threatening to leak water from their seams, but then the sun came out and convinced them to save their moisture for another day...the weekend perhaps.
I'm still dating Roger and things are going very well indeed. We have what we call 'naked chats'...and I won't insult you by thinking you can't figure out what that means. There is something very refreshing about being naked both physically and emotionally when we have these chats - it's harder to hide your feelings when you are already feeling vulnerable - I think the lack of clothing makes for more honest talks.
I won't lie to you...I'm starting to have quite a lot of feelings for Roger. I am really trying to NOT over think this and to just go with things. I have a habit of tearing things apart and likely having a lot of self destructive behaviours within most of my past relationships.
I enjoy the way we seem to fit and we're always in each other's brains...already finishing sentences and knowing what the next witty retort will be. We seem to be totally at peace with each other which is quite lovely - and I am the most open with him on a sexual level as well so there's another added bonus.
So we shall see how this continues to grow and as long as I stay in the moment I think this will be a fantastic journey. I am not thinking of it ending, I'm not planning our wedding or naming our unborn children - I am just really enjoying the steps on this journey as we take them.
For once in my life I am completely in the present and it feels calming and freeing and I am deeply happy.
The weather today was typical Vancouver - it started sleepy and grey, clouds threatening to leak water from their seams, but then the sun came out and convinced them to save their moisture for another day...the weekend perhaps.
I'm still dating Roger and things are going very well indeed. We have what we call 'naked chats'...and I won't insult you by thinking you can't figure out what that means. There is something very refreshing about being naked both physically and emotionally when we have these chats - it's harder to hide your feelings when you are already feeling vulnerable - I think the lack of clothing makes for more honest talks.
I won't lie to you...I'm starting to have quite a lot of feelings for Roger. I am really trying to NOT over think this and to just go with things. I have a habit of tearing things apart and likely having a lot of self destructive behaviours within most of my past relationships.
I enjoy the way we seem to fit and we're always in each other's brains...already finishing sentences and knowing what the next witty retort will be. We seem to be totally at peace with each other which is quite lovely - and I am the most open with him on a sexual level as well so there's another added bonus.
So we shall see how this continues to grow and as long as I stay in the moment I think this will be a fantastic journey. I am not thinking of it ending, I'm not planning our wedding or naming our unborn children - I am just really enjoying the steps on this journey as we take them.
For once in my life I am completely in the present and it feels calming and freeing and I am deeply happy.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Have I mentioned...
How great things are right now?
By "things" I just mean life in the most general sort of way. I am , of course, still very swamped at work and every day there feels more and more frustrating - but my happiness is coming from other areas right now.
I am getting to the gym on average about 4 times a week and that is making me feel soooo goooood. There are always a million excuses for me NOT to go...but once I am there I actually enjoy it. It's great ME time.
I am trying to keep my apartment cleaner...though still have a challenge in the bedroom. I don't know why I'm such a messy mess...I am slowly changing that behaviour though and one day will be a cleany clean. teehee
And...another important plus is that I'm dating a fantastic guy! I know it's new and I know it's all in the beginning stages...but I am just happy and enjoying it. I don't want to think too much about it...I want to live in the NOW!
I am burning my candles, drinking my wines and making sure that I'm not just waiting for some imagined perfect moment to celebrate things in my life. I am celebrating me...every day. Do you knwo why? Because just like the L'Oreal commercial says...I AM worth it!
I've been working on a few pieces and when I'm happier with them I'll post them on here for your enjoyment /critique.
SMOOCHES!
By "things" I just mean life in the most general sort of way. I am , of course, still very swamped at work and every day there feels more and more frustrating - but my happiness is coming from other areas right now.
I am getting to the gym on average about 4 times a week and that is making me feel soooo goooood. There are always a million excuses for me NOT to go...but once I am there I actually enjoy it. It's great ME time.
I am trying to keep my apartment cleaner...though still have a challenge in the bedroom. I don't know why I'm such a messy mess...I am slowly changing that behaviour though and one day will be a cleany clean. teehee
And...another important plus is that I'm dating a fantastic guy! I know it's new and I know it's all in the beginning stages...but I am just happy and enjoying it. I don't want to think too much about it...I want to live in the NOW!
I am burning my candles, drinking my wines and making sure that I'm not just waiting for some imagined perfect moment to celebrate things in my life. I am celebrating me...every day. Do you knwo why? Because just like the L'Oreal commercial says...I AM worth it!
I've been working on a few pieces and when I'm happier with them I'll post them on here for your enjoyment /critique.
SMOOCHES!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
And the good vibes continue
Sooo....I'm dating people. Well...possibly not 'people' exactly...I've been on 3 dates in 3 days and they were all with the same dude!!
Roger is cute and nice and we'll see if we can continue to hang out etc. It also doesn't hurt that he's a Sommelier and I'm eager to learn more about wines from all places. weee.
Anyway - a new 'writing' for your amusement.
I am trying to very hard not to think of you. I am trying not to remember what it felt like to kiss you for the very first time – a meeting of mouths, a slight parting of lips, tongues shyly seeking each other out.
I am really trying to focus on anything besides the memory of your hands in my hair, pulling me closer into you. I am pretending that I don’t still taste you or feel your breath on my neck, or hear your voice murmuring lascivious desires into my ear.
I am clearly failing at removing the mental image of you stroking your hard cock directly in front of my face and how I was equal parts turned on and frustrated that you wouldn’t let me take you into my mouth and run my tongue around the ridge of the smooth head.
Now - a sudden rush of wetness between my legs as I clearly re-live the moment when at last I was able to wrap my lips around you, feel you writhe and twitch with pleasure and finally explode into my mouth – hot liquid bursts of gratification. Kissing you afterwards, sharing in the taste I felt my own loins constrict with bliss.
Even now I try to push from my mind the memory of your fingers buried deep inside me…stroking me and coaxing me to cry out with ecstasy. Then again when the bud of my clit - fully engorged and begging for your touch was played with ever so gently - your fingers lightly skipping over it and then a new sensation as your tongue found the hard nodule and worked it over – licking, sucking and probing.
Yes…I am trying very hard not to think of you today and how my body is alive with sensations too sensitive to mention.
Roger is cute and nice and we'll see if we can continue to hang out etc. It also doesn't hurt that he's a Sommelier and I'm eager to learn more about wines from all places. weee.
Anyway - a new 'writing' for your amusement.
I am trying to very hard not to think of you. I am trying not to remember what it felt like to kiss you for the very first time – a meeting of mouths, a slight parting of lips, tongues shyly seeking each other out.
I am really trying to focus on anything besides the memory of your hands in my hair, pulling me closer into you. I am pretending that I don’t still taste you or feel your breath on my neck, or hear your voice murmuring lascivious desires into my ear.
I am clearly failing at removing the mental image of you stroking your hard cock directly in front of my face and how I was equal parts turned on and frustrated that you wouldn’t let me take you into my mouth and run my tongue around the ridge of the smooth head.
Now - a sudden rush of wetness between my legs as I clearly re-live the moment when at last I was able to wrap my lips around you, feel you writhe and twitch with pleasure and finally explode into my mouth – hot liquid bursts of gratification. Kissing you afterwards, sharing in the taste I felt my own loins constrict with bliss.
Even now I try to push from my mind the memory of your fingers buried deep inside me…stroking me and coaxing me to cry out with ecstasy. Then again when the bud of my clit - fully engorged and begging for your touch was played with ever so gently - your fingers lightly skipping over it and then a new sensation as your tongue found the hard nodule and worked it over – licking, sucking and probing.
Yes…I am trying very hard not to think of you today and how my body is alive with sensations too sensitive to mention.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Sen Sah Shon Elle!
Tin Foil - you are absolutely right...there needs to be less boring and more snappy.
So I need to get my game face on...and here are some inspirations for me to bring my A Game.
First off...one of my first loves HOCKEY. Can you guess my favourite part?
Also, I was reminded today of a conversation I had with my brother early last week and in it I mentioned how proud I am to be Canadian and suddenly...without prompting we both started quoting SIMULTANEOUSLY ....THIS! It really made us both laugh.
And finally...to get myself all pumped up and ready to embrace the Fabulousness, I am brushing this off and will Celebrate keeping off all the drama.
Onwards! Upwards! Hoorah!!!!
So I need to get my game face on...and here are some inspirations for me to bring my A Game.
First off...one of my first loves HOCKEY. Can you guess my favourite part?
Also, I was reminded today of a conversation I had with my brother early last week and in it I mentioned how proud I am to be Canadian and suddenly...without prompting we both started quoting SIMULTANEOUSLY ....THIS! It really made us both laugh.
And finally...to get myself all pumped up and ready to embrace the Fabulousness, I am brushing this off and will Celebrate keeping off all the drama.
Onwards! Upwards! Hoorah!!!!
Monday, February 04, 2008
Put the crack pipe down and step away from your keyboard.
C- please. How could I publish a comment that was obviously written when you were high?? (spelling, grammar and the blatant no-no of using proper names tsk tsk).
I'd love it if you could just for one minute think before you go off typing. Just this once?? Please?
I'm not going to lecture you about pots and kettles and where they lie side by side in the grand colour scheme of things. I'm also not going to point out the many times you've been the instigator of gossip and half truths.
What I'd like for you is to stop smokin' the crack and for you to stop going off without all the facts. You will never win a Pulitzer prize for journalism if you keep glossing over some facts and misinterpreting others.
Valorie admitted that she believed the Vexation post to be about her (The whole V - V thing y'know). We spoke about it today as I'm sure you are aware. I never named the Vexation so for you to "know" who it's about...well...I am sure your job at the psychic hot line is fascinating! Please pass on my regards to JoJo.
Seriously. This has never been about you so I'm not so sure why you're so concerned with it.
If my posts bother you so much why do you read them? I display my feelings on here...as they are happening. Some are positive, some are negative and other still are simply silly.
This part of your rant really confused me"
"Also, dont think I dont know that you made some really shitty comments about ME thinking that dumb vexation post would be about Mme. YOU ARE VAIN if you think thati feel like I am a part of your life enough to warrant a post like that."
I never once said that you were the Vexation, never once named that person, never once told anyone that you're "Vexing"...you aren't even a blimp on my social radar for how is it that you could vex me without even interacting with me at all?? THIS is what I'm talking about!! By just taking a moment to think rationally about something you can avoid the embarrassment of ASSUMING! Don't go posting comments without thinking about it first. I'm not sure why anyone would say such erroneous things to you ...unless it was to see you over-react in your usual manner - and you didn't disappoint.
Anyway, I would have posted all of your misguided comments had you not disobeyed the only rule I truly have for this blog...No. Real. Names.
Not sure what I did to completely offend you...don't really care either. Like I mentioned the Vexation post...if you don't have the courage to step forward about something that bothers you...you don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to chopping someone off at the knees.
I'd love it if you could just for one minute think before you go off typing. Just this once?? Please?
I'm not going to lecture you about pots and kettles and where they lie side by side in the grand colour scheme of things. I'm also not going to point out the many times you've been the instigator of gossip and half truths.
What I'd like for you is to stop smokin' the crack and for you to stop going off without all the facts. You will never win a Pulitzer prize for journalism if you keep glossing over some facts and misinterpreting others.
Valorie admitted that she believed the Vexation post to be about her (The whole V - V thing y'know). We spoke about it today as I'm sure you are aware. I never named the Vexation so for you to "know" who it's about...well...I am sure your job at the psychic hot line is fascinating! Please pass on my regards to JoJo.
Seriously. This has never been about you so I'm not so sure why you're so concerned with it.
If my posts bother you so much why do you read them? I display my feelings on here...as they are happening. Some are positive, some are negative and other still are simply silly.
This part of your rant really confused me"
"Also, dont think I dont know that you made some really shitty comments about ME thinking that dumb vexation post would be about Mme. YOU ARE VAIN if you think thati feel like I am a part of your life enough to warrant a post like that."
I never once said that you were the Vexation, never once named that person, never once told anyone that you're "Vexing"...you aren't even a blimp on my social radar for how is it that you could vex me without even interacting with me at all?? THIS is what I'm talking about!! By just taking a moment to think rationally about something you can avoid the embarrassment of ASSUMING! Don't go posting comments without thinking about it first. I'm not sure why anyone would say such erroneous things to you ...unless it was to see you over-react in your usual manner - and you didn't disappoint.
Anyway, I would have posted all of your misguided comments had you not disobeyed the only rule I truly have for this blog...No. Real. Names.
Not sure what I did to completely offend you...don't really care either. Like I mentioned the Vexation post...if you don't have the courage to step forward about something that bothers you...you don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to chopping someone off at the knees.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Bravery...let me explain it to you.
So I have decided to remove the right for anonymous comments on my blog. The reason being that I am always very open about my feelings and thoughts on here - regardless of how I may be judged because of them - yet the anonymous posts on here just sort of piss me off.
If you can't be arsed to be brave and be accountable for your own comments...I can't be arsed to have them. Seriously.
I am also forced to remind my readers once more that this blog is half truths and half fiction and I don't feel obliged to disclose which story/event is which. You may just choose to read or not read as you see fit. This isn't something I'm forcing on anyone...there is no gun to your head.
I heard through the grape vine that Valorie thought the post about the Vexation That Shall Not Be Named was about her...and to that all I can say is "that made me laugh". Literally. I laughed out loud long and hard. Y'see...I do change the names of people to 'protect' them in some manner...but I had already named Valorie in my "Fuck You Plato" post. It's true I use the first letter of the 'real' name as the start of the fictional name...but I don't give people 2 names and I don't name them when I say I'm not going to name them. Savvy?
If I were to talk about Valorie then I would say "Valorie this " or "Valorie that". Also, what further surprised me was that I was pretty clear that the VTSNBN was acting very strangely towards me...IF Valorie was behaving strangely towards me then I simply didn't notice. We don't really talk that much y'see...so it would be easy for me to NOT notice if she was purposely being belligerent or childish around me.
In any event...I am firm in my decision. If you want to leave a comment then by all means...own your comment and be brave enough to have a name...else it's just more random crap...as some of my posts are just random crap too.
If you can't be arsed to be brave and be accountable for your own comments...I can't be arsed to have them. Seriously.
I am also forced to remind my readers once more that this blog is half truths and half fiction and I don't feel obliged to disclose which story/event is which. You may just choose to read or not read as you see fit. This isn't something I'm forcing on anyone...there is no gun to your head.
I heard through the grape vine that Valorie thought the post about the Vexation That Shall Not Be Named was about her...and to that all I can say is "that made me laugh". Literally. I laughed out loud long and hard. Y'see...I do change the names of people to 'protect' them in some manner...but I had already named Valorie in my "Fuck You Plato" post. It's true I use the first letter of the 'real' name as the start of the fictional name...but I don't give people 2 names and I don't name them when I say I'm not going to name them. Savvy?
If I were to talk about Valorie then I would say "Valorie this " or "Valorie that". Also, what further surprised me was that I was pretty clear that the VTSNBN was acting very strangely towards me...IF Valorie was behaving strangely towards me then I simply didn't notice. We don't really talk that much y'see...so it would be easy for me to NOT notice if she was purposely being belligerent or childish around me.
In any event...I am firm in my decision. If you want to leave a comment then by all means...own your comment and be brave enough to have a name...else it's just more random crap...as some of my posts are just random crap too.
Friday, February 01, 2008
The In-Between Girl
It's like phriggin' deja did! Seriously...what is up with men who just want you to be their In Between Girl?
They want to hang out, they want to have sex, they want to essentially date you...but they only want to do that for a predetermined amount of time (unbeknownst to you of course).
I guess I should be quite thankful that I have a very inexperienced Playah trying to finagle me into the In Between Girl role. He has pretty much laid it all out in the open and just thought it was quite odd that I looked at him as if he suddenly grew a 2nd head and said a flat out, emphatic and unmistakable "NO FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!".
I believe that I have been the In Between Girl before...I didn't like it. I also think I might have posted about it before.
Now I'm not kidding myself here...I know I'm not quite up to 'Relationship Time'...but some casual dating would be nice. And maybe it's just because *I* am not the one thinking "this will just be temporary" that I object to this whole notion of "In Between".
I am honestly not quite sure what the difference is between my idea of 'casual dating' and Riley's "In Between Girl" is...except that when I say casual dating I guess I don't think that I KNOW there is an end...but I am not SURE if there is a long term future. With Riley, he KNOWS where his long term is...his ex fiancee... He KNOWS they are getting back together. He KNOWS that all he really wants is to have sex with a few other women before he marries his ex.
He keeps saying he's afraid of not having sex with someone else. He's been with his ex since he was 17. SEVENTEEN!!!! MY GOD!!! And he keeps referring to it as "onegina" Oh how clever...using the number and trying to use part of the word vagina in there. Nice. Onegina...yes...clever. It's not that easy to combine a number and some part of dick or prick or cock or penis. Especially penis!!! Because the plural of penis is not penis...but penises...and that's a lot harder to be clever with.
Now don't get me wrong...I don't believe that anyone should just settle after their first experience. But c'mon I think we all know that it's extremely rare that someone survives a relationship with ONE person for that long. At 17 you are just figuring yourself out. Hell...by your mid 20's you are STILL figuring out who you are.
Or maybe it's just me that has only just sort of NOW figured myself out. Maybe I really am a late bloomer in so many ways.
Anyhoooo. I am probably blowing this all out of proportion as per usual. I thought...I guess I just sort of hoped in vain that perhaps...perhaps just this once, that I could get what *I* wanted when *I* wanted it without compromise!
Sure...I could carry on with Riley...have more fantastic sweaty all night sex...and then when his ex comes back into town he can put me aside and have the engagement ring that is currently in his EAR (yes, he had the stone converted into an earing that he's wearing) BACK into a 18k white gold ring for her... But really...why would I even bother to waste my time??
The sex...almost, but not quite worth it. I mean...ok....so it's fucking (literally) amazing...but pretty soon I'll get emotionally attached and then very soon after THAT he will get more and more emotionally distant...and then my resentment would really blossom into something even *I* would despise.
*sigh* Best to nip this one in the bud I think.
On a different note - I promised more on the monkey sphere. And you may read allll about it
here
They want to hang out, they want to have sex, they want to essentially date you...but they only want to do that for a predetermined amount of time (unbeknownst to you of course).
I guess I should be quite thankful that I have a very inexperienced Playah trying to finagle me into the In Between Girl role. He has pretty much laid it all out in the open and just thought it was quite odd that I looked at him as if he suddenly grew a 2nd head and said a flat out, emphatic and unmistakable "NO FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!".
I believe that I have been the In Between Girl before...I didn't like it. I also think I might have posted about it before.
Now I'm not kidding myself here...I know I'm not quite up to 'Relationship Time'...but some casual dating would be nice. And maybe it's just because *I* am not the one thinking "this will just be temporary" that I object to this whole notion of "In Between".
I am honestly not quite sure what the difference is between my idea of 'casual dating' and Riley's "In Between Girl" is...except that when I say casual dating I guess I don't think that I KNOW there is an end...but I am not SURE if there is a long term future. With Riley, he KNOWS where his long term is...his ex fiancee... He KNOWS they are getting back together. He KNOWS that all he really wants is to have sex with a few other women before he marries his ex.
He keeps saying he's afraid of not having sex with someone else. He's been with his ex since he was 17. SEVENTEEN!!!! MY GOD!!! And he keeps referring to it as "onegina" Oh how clever...using the number and trying to use part of the word vagina in there. Nice. Onegina...yes...clever. It's not that easy to combine a number and some part of dick or prick or cock or penis. Especially penis!!! Because the plural of penis is not penis...but penises...and that's a lot harder to be clever with.
Now don't get me wrong...I don't believe that anyone should just settle after their first experience. But c'mon I think we all know that it's extremely rare that someone survives a relationship with ONE person for that long. At 17 you are just figuring yourself out. Hell...by your mid 20's you are STILL figuring out who you are.
Or maybe it's just me that has only just sort of NOW figured myself out. Maybe I really am a late bloomer in so many ways.
Anyhoooo. I am probably blowing this all out of proportion as per usual. I thought...I guess I just sort of hoped in vain that perhaps...perhaps just this once, that I could get what *I* wanted when *I* wanted it without compromise!
Sure...I could carry on with Riley...have more fantastic sweaty all night sex...and then when his ex comes back into town he can put me aside and have the engagement ring that is currently in his EAR (yes, he had the stone converted into an earing that he's wearing) BACK into a 18k white gold ring for her... But really...why would I even bother to waste my time??
The sex...almost, but not quite worth it. I mean...ok....so it's fucking (literally) amazing...but pretty soon I'll get emotionally attached and then very soon after THAT he will get more and more emotionally distant...and then my resentment would really blossom into something even *I* would despise.
*sigh* Best to nip this one in the bud I think.
On a different note - I promised more on the monkey sphere. And you may read allll about it
here
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Vexation thy name is
I will not name the Vexation. It will be "Vexation who shall not be named". I shall only refer to this person as Vexation so as to not give them too much credit.
I am so tired of NOT being confronted with the imagined wrongs I've done. Instead what I've noticed is that somehow, someway, I have 'wronged' someone without even knowing it...and then there is this strange behaviour that seeps from them. I'd like to think that perhaps it was just an off day for the Vexation that shall not be named, but the sad truth is that it' more noticeable when they are NOT in a bad mood. It's like they are a professional Disgruntler...without the paycheck to show for it.
It would be one thing if this person were actually PAID to be in a bad mood 360/365 days. I can't remember the last time this person actually had a genuine SMILE on their face. All smiles are forced...no teeth showing. I always find something suspicious in people who don't smile with their teeth. The same goes for people who cover their mouths with their hands when they smile or laugh - I feel it's because they are hiding something - too afraid to be themselves, too afraid someone might gleam some insight into their souls/personalities.
I guess in this case, if you are a toxic human being then by all means- PLEASE cover up! I would hate for all that negativity to escape out into the world...running rampant down the streets scaring the elderly and scarring young children.
The fact that I am spewing venom right now is not lost on me...I'm frustrated, angry and feel the need to vent in the best way I know how. Also, in an attempt to not become toxic myself I have refrained from naming the Vexation that Shall Not Be Named -lest my venting turns into some sort of violent exchange in the future. (I fear the the VTSNBN is one twitch away from having a complete Falling Down)
I am wondering what will transpire the next time I will be face to face with this person. It's an unhappy happening that we have a smattering of mutual friends (though I use that word fairly loosely in some cases).
For my part I know that I will smile (with teeth in case you were wondering) and I will be polite. I will wait for a cue as to how to conduct myself in the public setting. I feel the need to take this person away and confront them on their exceptionally odd behaviour, however, there is also a large part of me that believes I could be free - I could be actually carrying out a task I have set for myself. To rid myself of all the negative garbage in my life.
Oh - speaking of getting rid of - I am single once more and am actually quite happy about it. I know it seems like I go through mood swings with this - but I suppose that is the way things are with me.
I have a new hair do (of COURSE!) and I'm struttin' around like...well...like the fantastic woman that I am! I have finally come to know who I am and what I want - it's an amazing! The BEST part of it all...I seem to be getting quite a bit of attention lately from different men around my 'hood'.
First off - Angelous and Bradford have noticed I carry myself differently. My shoulders are back, my head is up and I am nearly always smiling, Secondly, the 7:32AM Dog Walker has (after 8 months) started to smile and say 'G'mornin'" to me. Also, Banker Man has held the door open for me no less than 4 times in the last 10 days and today he 'sniffed' me and said in his delicious Irish accent that I smelled 'gorgeous'.
So perhaps there is something to not allowing the Negative Nelly's/Nevil's to hang around in my monkeysphere.
I shall post more on the monkeysphere another day.
Sooo VTSNBN - I will not allow you to bring me down. If I happen to see you amongst my cherished monkeys I will simply allow you to 'be' but not allow you to 'effect'.
*wow* I feel so much better!
Vexation be gone!!
I am so tired of NOT being confronted with the imagined wrongs I've done. Instead what I've noticed is that somehow, someway, I have 'wronged' someone without even knowing it...and then there is this strange behaviour that seeps from them. I'd like to think that perhaps it was just an off day for the Vexation that shall not be named, but the sad truth is that it' more noticeable when they are NOT in a bad mood. It's like they are a professional Disgruntler...without the paycheck to show for it.
It would be one thing if this person were actually PAID to be in a bad mood 360/365 days. I can't remember the last time this person actually had a genuine SMILE on their face. All smiles are forced...no teeth showing. I always find something suspicious in people who don't smile with their teeth. The same goes for people who cover their mouths with their hands when they smile or laugh - I feel it's because they are hiding something - too afraid to be themselves, too afraid someone might gleam some insight into their souls/personalities.
I guess in this case, if you are a toxic human being then by all means- PLEASE cover up! I would hate for all that negativity to escape out into the world...running rampant down the streets scaring the elderly and scarring young children.
The fact that I am spewing venom right now is not lost on me...I'm frustrated, angry and feel the need to vent in the best way I know how. Also, in an attempt to not become toxic myself I have refrained from naming the Vexation that Shall Not Be Named -lest my venting turns into some sort of violent exchange in the future. (I fear the the VTSNBN is one twitch away from having a complete Falling Down)
I am wondering what will transpire the next time I will be face to face with this person. It's an unhappy happening that we have a smattering of mutual friends (though I use that word fairly loosely in some cases).
For my part I know that I will smile (with teeth in case you were wondering) and I will be polite. I will wait for a cue as to how to conduct myself in the public setting. I feel the need to take this person away and confront them on their exceptionally odd behaviour, however, there is also a large part of me that believes I could be free - I could be actually carrying out a task I have set for myself. To rid myself of all the negative garbage in my life.
Oh - speaking of getting rid of - I am single once more and am actually quite happy about it. I know it seems like I go through mood swings with this - but I suppose that is the way things are with me.
I have a new hair do (of COURSE!) and I'm struttin' around like...well...like the fantastic woman that I am! I have finally come to know who I am and what I want - it's an amazing! The BEST part of it all...I seem to be getting quite a bit of attention lately from different men around my 'hood'.
First off - Angelous and Bradford have noticed I carry myself differently. My shoulders are back, my head is up and I am nearly always smiling, Secondly, the 7:32AM Dog Walker has (after 8 months) started to smile and say 'G'mornin'" to me. Also, Banker Man has held the door open for me no less than 4 times in the last 10 days and today he 'sniffed' me and said in his delicious Irish accent that I smelled 'gorgeous'.
So perhaps there is something to not allowing the Negative Nelly's/Nevil's to hang around in my monkeysphere.
I shall post more on the monkeysphere another day.
Sooo VTSNBN - I will not allow you to bring me down. If I happen to see you amongst my cherished monkeys I will simply allow you to 'be' but not allow you to 'effect'.
*wow* I feel so much better!
Vexation be gone!!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Fuck you Plato
I'm going to just take a wild guess and assume that Plato was gay...or at the very least he teetered on the homosexual end of bisexuality.
The reason I am feeling so hostile towards the father of Platonic relationships is that clearly Plato had no women in his life who were just his friends. Not really. I speculate that IF in fact he was cordially acquainted with women, he did not consider them his equal and therefore, the friendship was likely slanted in the same matter as that of the Leaning Tower of Pisa is thought of to have a wee bit of a lilt. Furthermore, I'm guessing that in Plato's patriarchal society the idea that men and women could 'just be friends' probably seemed as natural as a Spartan farming. Oh sure it's possible, but would Octavious really get to know Portia's brain and would the Spartan's figs be hand plucked from the tree or hacked off with a sword?
I am also reminded of Billy Crystal's speech in "When Harry Met Sally" about how men and women can't just be friends and he gives a variety of reasons about sexual tension, attraction and jealousy. There is always someone who is lustful towards the other person or some such thing like that.
What I have recently encountered is that one of my treasured male platonic friends has been believing the erroneous dream that I was lusting after him. I know...seems so strange even when I type it out.
Let me give you some history here. It's true that about 2 years ago I had a crush on Leroy - he's witty and handsome and pretty much a good guy. But he was dating a friend of mine at the time so naturally I had to push my feelings aside. Then a funny thing happened. While he was still dating my friend, I found out that Leroy - who had always been very vocal about NOT wanting to have kids- had taken that belief to the ultimate extreme and underwent a vasectomy.
Now I'm not sure if I made myself completely clear about my views, desires and in fact NEED to have a family of my own. Babies have been much on my mind over the last year or so as I am acutely aware that I am in fact getting on in age and that if I want to have a child (or two??) then I need to be planning for this in the next 2-3 years if only for my own health (both mental and physical). This is such a huge issue for me, such a major 'deal breaker' that upon hearing the news that Leroy had been snipped...my side line crush got totally sacked!
That is not to say that I stopped caring about Leroy altogether nor did his sudden single status change my feelings for him. In fact, in the first few months of his singleness our friendship grew closer and I came to think of him as much like one of my older brothers - though perhaps a bit more open minded than both of my brothers. Someone with whom I could discuss relationship stuffs, sex issues and work happenings with very little fear of judgment.
The funny things about knowing friends and getting closer to them, is that sometimes, just sometimes, you see their 'fatal character flaw' and accept them despite of it. Leroy's fatal flaw is any beautiful woman. Any at all. This includes needy women, psycho women, slutty women but most especially if all of these elements culminate into one 5ft7 curvy uber psycho needy slutty woman. (did I mention she's needy?)
So yes, I let him put his hand on the element of life and get burned by it (her). And then there is only so much you can take when you have to watch your friends fling themselves again and again upon the same burning element.
Now I will say this. I made a mistake. A case of mistaken identity which I take full responsibility for. However, having said that, I should have realized that when faced with a fatal flaw, it would have been better to just watch the drama unfold rather than become embroiled in it. So yes, I made a mistake. I mentioned to Leroy that this new 5ft7 curvy psycho needy slutty (single mum) woman was a gold-digging man eater who's only appetite for self preservation would be satiated upon landing a man who can keep her in the manner to which she had been dreaming of since she was a little girl. Someone who would not only take care of her every need, but also that of her infant daughter as well.
Of course, when given this information for me, who was always on the 'bro's before ho's ' train Leroy took my warning and cut her out of his life. Fine. That is until the aforementioned 5ft7 curvy psycho skanky single mum decided to give one more kick at the Leroy can. After weeks of incommunicado...Leroy gives in to the pleading (needful) requests of his latest fatal flaw.
It turns out that my advice was based on false information - a mistake - confusing one person and their comments for that of the fatal flaw. Leroy goes to great lengths to prove the innocence of the 5ft7 curvy psycho skanky single mum and decides that I am a lying conniving love-sick bitch.
Should I have just let my friend make his own mistakes? YES.
Did I make a mistake? YES
Was it an intentional lie? NO
Now...I'm a very outgoing kinda gal. I am free with my emotions which have gotten me into more trouble that I can count. I'm the first to offer a hug and even freer with compliments and in recent years I have learned to tell the people I love just that "I love you".
Now the funny thing about saying "I love you" to someone is that it's always interpreted by the person who hears it and it might not always match what the person who said it meant.
When I would say to Leroy (on more than 1 occasion and admittedly most of them involved alcohol or us having a heart to heart about life) I meant it in a platonic way. I never qualified my emotional statement, I didn't feel I had to.
Leroy had spent many nights in my bed sleeping soundly (and sometimes quite noisily) beside me and I never once so much as kissed the man! We cuddled as much as I would cuddle with any of my girlfriends or close guy friends, but it was never sexual...at least I never once felt sexual tension.
The one time our lips DID meet it was HIM leaning over to kiss ME...and then drunkenly slurred a "good night Valorie" ...which was CLEARLY not me and most CERTAINLY his ex girlfriend.
Sooo....back to the topic.
I'm hurt, our friendship seems to be quite strained and I am being far too pig-headed to try to apologize AGAIN for this. I had already extended the olive branch TWICE and was rebuked with spiteful nasty emails.
So, again, Fuck You Plato. You never once had a girl who was just your friend and equal.
Though I do forgive you if only for your Army of Lovers concept...YES to gays in the military!!
The reason I am feeling so hostile towards the father of Platonic relationships is that clearly Plato had no women in his life who were just his friends. Not really. I speculate that IF in fact he was cordially acquainted with women, he did not consider them his equal and therefore, the friendship was likely slanted in the same matter as that of the Leaning Tower of Pisa is thought of to have a wee bit of a lilt. Furthermore, I'm guessing that in Plato's patriarchal society the idea that men and women could 'just be friends' probably seemed as natural as a Spartan farming. Oh sure it's possible, but would Octavious really get to know Portia's brain and would the Spartan's figs be hand plucked from the tree or hacked off with a sword?
I am also reminded of Billy Crystal's speech in "When Harry Met Sally" about how men and women can't just be friends and he gives a variety of reasons about sexual tension, attraction and jealousy. There is always someone who is lustful towards the other person or some such thing like that.
What I have recently encountered is that one of my treasured male platonic friends has been believing the erroneous dream that I was lusting after him. I know...seems so strange even when I type it out.
Let me give you some history here. It's true that about 2 years ago I had a crush on Leroy - he's witty and handsome and pretty much a good guy. But he was dating a friend of mine at the time so naturally I had to push my feelings aside. Then a funny thing happened. While he was still dating my friend, I found out that Leroy - who had always been very vocal about NOT wanting to have kids- had taken that belief to the ultimate extreme and underwent a vasectomy.
Now I'm not sure if I made myself completely clear about my views, desires and in fact NEED to have a family of my own. Babies have been much on my mind over the last year or so as I am acutely aware that I am in fact getting on in age and that if I want to have a child (or two??) then I need to be planning for this in the next 2-3 years if only for my own health (both mental and physical). This is such a huge issue for me, such a major 'deal breaker' that upon hearing the news that Leroy had been snipped...my side line crush got totally sacked!
That is not to say that I stopped caring about Leroy altogether nor did his sudden single status change my feelings for him. In fact, in the first few months of his singleness our friendship grew closer and I came to think of him as much like one of my older brothers - though perhaps a bit more open minded than both of my brothers. Someone with whom I could discuss relationship stuffs, sex issues and work happenings with very little fear of judgment.
The funny things about knowing friends and getting closer to them, is that sometimes, just sometimes, you see their 'fatal character flaw' and accept them despite of it. Leroy's fatal flaw is any beautiful woman. Any at all. This includes needy women, psycho women, slutty women but most especially if all of these elements culminate into one 5ft7 curvy uber psycho needy slutty woman. (did I mention she's needy?)
So yes, I let him put his hand on the element of life and get burned by it (her). And then there is only so much you can take when you have to watch your friends fling themselves again and again upon the same burning element.
Now I will say this. I made a mistake. A case of mistaken identity which I take full responsibility for. However, having said that, I should have realized that when faced with a fatal flaw, it would have been better to just watch the drama unfold rather than become embroiled in it. So yes, I made a mistake. I mentioned to Leroy that this new 5ft7 curvy psycho needy slutty (single mum) woman was a gold-digging man eater who's only appetite for self preservation would be satiated upon landing a man who can keep her in the manner to which she had been dreaming of since she was a little girl. Someone who would not only take care of her every need, but also that of her infant daughter as well.
Of course, when given this information for me, who was always on the 'bro's before ho's ' train Leroy took my warning and cut her out of his life. Fine. That is until the aforementioned 5ft7 curvy psycho skanky single mum decided to give one more kick at the Leroy can. After weeks of incommunicado...Leroy gives in to the pleading (needful) requests of his latest fatal flaw.
It turns out that my advice was based on false information - a mistake - confusing one person and their comments for that of the fatal flaw. Leroy goes to great lengths to prove the innocence of the 5ft7 curvy psycho skanky single mum and decides that I am a lying conniving love-sick bitch.
Should I have just let my friend make his own mistakes? YES.
Did I make a mistake? YES
Was it an intentional lie? NO
Now...I'm a very outgoing kinda gal. I am free with my emotions which have gotten me into more trouble that I can count. I'm the first to offer a hug and even freer with compliments and in recent years I have learned to tell the people I love just that "I love you".
Now the funny thing about saying "I love you" to someone is that it's always interpreted by the person who hears it and it might not always match what the person who said it meant.
When I would say to Leroy (on more than 1 occasion and admittedly most of them involved alcohol or us having a heart to heart about life) I meant it in a platonic way. I never qualified my emotional statement, I didn't feel I had to.
Leroy had spent many nights in my bed sleeping soundly (and sometimes quite noisily) beside me and I never once so much as kissed the man! We cuddled as much as I would cuddle with any of my girlfriends or close guy friends, but it was never sexual...at least I never once felt sexual tension.
The one time our lips DID meet it was HIM leaning over to kiss ME...and then drunkenly slurred a "good night Valorie" ...which was CLEARLY not me and most CERTAINLY his ex girlfriend.
Sooo....back to the topic.
I'm hurt, our friendship seems to be quite strained and I am being far too pig-headed to try to apologize AGAIN for this. I had already extended the olive branch TWICE and was rebuked with spiteful nasty emails.
So, again, Fuck You Plato. You never once had a girl who was just your friend and equal.
Though I do forgive you if only for your Army of Lovers concept...YES to gays in the military!!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Tsk Tsk Simone
This will be very brief and probably not written very well but I'm just reacting here.
I may have mentioned that Simone no longer works for the company I work for - she chose to leave us 3 days before our major festival and basically left us in the lurch - something that I thought went against her character but apparently not.
Anywayyyyy. I have recently returned from a trade show in Alberta and in going through all the items I picked up along the way I see the brochure from our competitor with Simone's smiling face on it. On the back of their one page brochure are a list of comments from their satisfied customers. I nearly fell off my chair when I read one comment from one of Simone's most decidedly 'satisfied' client - the teacher she had an extra marital affair with during her employment with my company.
Now Simone was single at the time of the affair but KNEW that the teacher was married and ACTIVELY pursued this teacher. I find it amusing now that the teacher still books with her...I wonder if they still carry on their affair and if that is part of the booking privileges with her new company. I can see the slogan now "ET&T - our agents will sleep with you to get the booking!" Is this only limited to men or does their loosely hinged moral door swing both ways?
Is the teacher too afraid to NOT book with her now? What would the consequences be for him? Would she tell his wife how she stole over to Victoria for a clandestine evening on wine, jazz and illicit behaviour? How about the time he; under the guise of a teacher's workshop, came over to the mainland and Simone called in sick to spend th day with him? Is his booking with her mean he's succumbing to some sort of extortion? Was there a whispered conversation between them wherein Simone hissed "Book with ET&T or I'll air your dirty laundry to your wife, your school and your kids!"
Am I too precariously perched on my moral high horse? I guess only if you consider the commitment between 2 people who are married to be frivolous and inconsequential. Tsk Tsk Simone - shame on you.
I may have mentioned that Simone no longer works for the company I work for - she chose to leave us 3 days before our major festival and basically left us in the lurch - something that I thought went against her character but apparently not.
Anywayyyyy. I have recently returned from a trade show in Alberta and in going through all the items I picked up along the way I see the brochure from our competitor with Simone's smiling face on it. On the back of their one page brochure are a list of comments from their satisfied customers. I nearly fell off my chair when I read one comment from one of Simone's most decidedly 'satisfied' client - the teacher she had an extra marital affair with during her employment with my company.
Now Simone was single at the time of the affair but KNEW that the teacher was married and ACTIVELY pursued this teacher. I find it amusing now that the teacher still books with her...I wonder if they still carry on their affair and if that is part of the booking privileges with her new company. I can see the slogan now "ET&T - our agents will sleep with you to get the booking!" Is this only limited to men or does their loosely hinged moral door swing both ways?
Is the teacher too afraid to NOT book with her now? What would the consequences be for him? Would she tell his wife how she stole over to Victoria for a clandestine evening on wine, jazz and illicit behaviour? How about the time he; under the guise of a teacher's workshop, came over to the mainland and Simone called in sick to spend th day with him? Is his booking with her mean he's succumbing to some sort of extortion? Was there a whispered conversation between them wherein Simone hissed "Book with ET&T or I'll air your dirty laundry to your wife, your school and your kids!"
Am I too precariously perched on my moral high horse? I guess only if you consider the commitment between 2 people who are married to be frivolous and inconsequential. Tsk Tsk Simone - shame on you.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
I'm speechless...
Check THIS site out. I think I am inspired!
I am considering signing up for Burlesque Dance lessons....they are $350.00 and it's only 8 classes...but I get a costume and a show and hair and make up lessons with it. I am *thinking* about it but it does seem cost prohibitive.
I am also thinking about my next hair do - I might get a fringe again...I'd like to be a 40's pin up girl.
My stomach hurts - I had a salad with beef strips in it (well cooked) but somehow my tummy is protesting. *sigh*
Gym day tomorrow and I am happy about that.
Sooo disconnected in my thoughts tonight.
I am considering signing up for Burlesque Dance lessons....they are $350.00 and it's only 8 classes...but I get a costume and a show and hair and make up lessons with it. I am *thinking* about it but it does seem cost prohibitive.
I am also thinking about my next hair do - I might get a fringe again...I'd like to be a 40's pin up girl.
My stomach hurts - I had a salad with beef strips in it (well cooked) but somehow my tummy is protesting. *sigh*
Gym day tomorrow and I am happy about that.
Sooo disconnected in my thoughts tonight.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Albatross
That's right...I've finally said it. I have been neglecting The Single Files mostly because it has felt like a great big phreakin' giant albatross.
Time to suck it up.
My dating life in the last 4 months has totally sucked but I think it's because I wasn't expecting anything great from it. I have recently learned that YES...you DO get back what you put into things.
I have made a conscious decision to start making POSITIVE things happen in all areas of my life. This means trying to make some time every night to blog - and it doesn't have to be about dating...I think that was a huge part of me not writing anything...I felt obliged to write only about love/dating related topics. Screw that...I can write what I want to! There are no more rules.
Having said that, I will try to maintain well formed sentences, grammar and spelling though we all know how lazy I am with spell check. I still have no idea why my spelling is so poor when I read so much...maybe I should be writing more as well.
Today I finally got my Learner's permit so the driving will begin fairly soon. I hope to be fully in License mode by my birthday in OCT but we'll see how that goes.
Sometimes getting back to basics means starting all over - and that is a good thing. Build a good foundation and the rest of the structure will be sound as well.
Right...off to bed with a good book for me.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!
me
Time to suck it up.
My dating life in the last 4 months has totally sucked but I think it's because I wasn't expecting anything great from it. I have recently learned that YES...you DO get back what you put into things.
I have made a conscious decision to start making POSITIVE things happen in all areas of my life. This means trying to make some time every night to blog - and it doesn't have to be about dating...I think that was a huge part of me not writing anything...I felt obliged to write only about love/dating related topics. Screw that...I can write what I want to! There are no more rules.
Having said that, I will try to maintain well formed sentences, grammar and spelling though we all know how lazy I am with spell check. I still have no idea why my spelling is so poor when I read so much...maybe I should be writing more as well.
Today I finally got my Learner's permit so the driving will begin fairly soon. I hope to be fully in License mode by my birthday in OCT but we'll see how that goes.
Sometimes getting back to basics means starting all over - and that is a good thing. Build a good foundation and the rest of the structure will be sound as well.
Right...off to bed with a good book for me.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!
me
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Mr Big Baby Boy
Blah blah blah Ted broke up with me blah blah blah he's still not deciding where his life is going blah blah blah.
teehee
Ok. So it isn't as bad as all that. Yes Ted broke up with me (well, technically my table cloth as he didn't have the balls to look me in the eye) but honestly...it failed to phase me. There were some things that I just didn't think we could get past.
1) His complete lack of interests in sports. I'm not a jock, but I do love hockey and play softball and love to hike and camp and generally be outside and get dirty. Ted...not so much. He's more of a movie dude, music dude, art dude and general inside boy.
2) He's a boy. Let's not confuse this issue with gender. Sure he has a penis (and yes, that is where the initial Mr. Big came from - too big though and I'll go into that more later) but there is a difference between being a MAN at the age of 32 and being a BOY at the age of 32. Ted was most definitely a boy. I appreciate where it's important to keep childlike wonders of some things, but there must be a time when you must also recognize that at 32 you ought to be grown up.
3) Mr. Big was indeed TOO big. I know you're not really supposed to talk about the cock your with or even the details of the one you've just been with...but YIKES!!!! Length wasn't the issue...the girth of the thing made me shudder upon my first glimpse. The first time (out of 3 times) we attempted to have sex I had to be talked into it. "Babies come out of there...it's OK" was the tag line of the night. Sure some women really get into huge cocks...but oh my goodness. There is big and then there is the 'my fingers can't touch when I try to encircle it' big. I enjoy the feeling of being "full" but this was more like being stuffed...and not in a way that actually 'fit'.
Don't let the above fool you though...I am suffering from PMS so this is probably coming off a bit harsher than I actually feel about it. I would like to share with you the funny way in which he decided to break up with me though.
The night before The Breakup we had gone to a CD release party for a friend of mine's Salsa band Tanga. The night was hot and not just with the fabulous music...the place was SWELTERING and we had some Salsa Dance lessons plus were just dancing to the music on our own too. It was then that he brought up my impending trip to Cuba.
Because Ted had been very affectionate with me, bought me a small and thoughtful gift earlier in the night and treated me to a very yummy dinner I thought this was his way of bringingn it up to invite himself along on my trip. So naturally I laid out my travel plans and invited him along. He seemed fairly enthusiastic and said he'd look into making that happen.
The night progressed and I did mention to him that I was worried about asking him to Cuba as it does seem a bit forward at this early stage of our dating. He replied with "You can't get rid of me that easily" - remember this statement...it's important later.
Sooo. The night comes to a close and I decide I want to go home (I never could relax and actually SLEEP while Ted was in my bed...or when I was in his...no sleep was to be had). He tells me he was going out with 'the guys' on Friday (which I thought was odd cuz he hardly has any guy friends from what he told me) and I was happy he was doing that so that I could have a much needed ME night. We confirmed our date for Saturday and then we both went to our respective homes.
The next day was Friday and it was SOOO GORGEOUS outside that I decided to screw having a ME night and instead go out with the girls from work and Fi and just enjoy the sun with some bevvies. At around 7:30PM I get a call from Ted asking "where are you??"
I laughed and said I was out and why wasn't he out with the guys? He said that his guy night was postponed and wondered what time I was going to be home. I was not wanting to go home too early...I was having girly time and didn't want to end it prematurely to see him - after all I saw him the night before and was planning on seeing him the night after. I told him I could be home between 9:30 -10PM and he asked if he could call me then. I gave my consent and went back to chatting with Fi.
At 9:30PM Fi drives me home and asks if she could come up to check her emails. Why not? So we drive around but there is no place to park. Fi said that she'd give it a miss and just go home. No biggie. I go up to my apartment, go to the bathroom, turn my computer on and then write out my rent check. I get some laundry together and am about to head down to throw a load in the machine when my buzzer rings. I have been home MAYBE 6 minutes. I naturally think it's Fi who has found a spot and will come up to check her emails after all. This was not the case.
It was Ted and he sounded desperate "Hey Kwerkie, it's Ted, let me up".
Ummm...Ok.
So I buzzed him up and he appears at my door all sweaty and in the EXACT SAME CLOTHES that he wore the previous night. Now remember...it was hot in the place we were in and we were both dancing and he is a very sweaty guy...so I was immediately thinking YIKES! YUCK!
He excuses his clothing by saying he didn't sleep at all the night before and has finally figured out why he hasn't been sleeping and he must talk to me immediately. I got the 'break up' vibe from him so I said "Oh no, that's ok. You'd like to break up and I'm ok with that".
But he felt that he needed to explain.
He said he wasn't sure where his life was going, he might move up north to Prince George, he doesn't know if he wants to have kids, he's only a boy, he's still very young and I"m so much older than he is" (note, I am only 6 months older than he is).
Anyway... Ted is a very nice guy there is no doubt about that. I don't know if the PG thing was a truth or a convenient excuse...the whole speech went along the 'it's not you it's me' theme but the funny thing is...I KNOW it's not me. He never once looked me in the eye to say anything except the initial "you are a really great person" part. Everything that followed was said to my new fancy green table cloth.
Was I too keen? Maybe, but there was always a level of caution for me. I wasn't the one saying things like "you'll have to help me celebrate my birthday next year", and "at Christmas you'll have to partake in (insert sundry family tradition here)." These were things that HE was saying in the first 3 weeks we were dating.
I listened to him talk and my responses were all "Ok" and "That's alright" and I didn't get upset at all nor did I counter him in any way and when he suddenly farted (yuck) and then got up to go -he hugged me sweatily and awkwardly and then tried to put his shoes on. I said "I'll walk you down, I have to pay my rent anyway."
In truth I just wanted him to suffer a tiny bit more in the awkwardness he was enveloped in because I was pretty sure he saw me come home...and that wigged me out a bit. I wasn't feeling weird about the actual breakup at all, it was simply time to end this and I was pleased he did it before I did. We get down to the lobby and he asked for one more hug which I granted him.
Then I started to giggle.
Ted: "Why are you laughing?" He seemed horrified!
I just couldn't help myself - I told him the truth!
Kwekie "Umm (giggle) I"m laughing because yesterday when I told you that I was worried about asking you to Cuba because you might have thought I was planning too far ahead (giggle) and you said that you didn't think that and that I couldn't get rid of you that easily (giggle)...well...apparently I can! "
Then I laughed some more, he turned red in the face, looked a bit embarrassed and turned to leave. He then turned back and said "maybe in a few months if you felt like calling...." to which I quickly interrupted him and said "No, that won't be happening, but you take good care."
I wasn't sarcastic and I was trying to be kind to him as he was clearly going through a rough time. What bothered me the MOST about the whole thing was this tiny fact that the astute reader may or may not have picked up on.
Ted called me at 7 30PM asking where I was because...he was actually calling from a PAY PHONE located 3 blocks from my house. He had been in my neighbourhood waiting for me to come home since 5pm. This is why he knew to buzz me so quickly after I got home...he was down the block and SAW me come home. The guy waited approximately FIVE HOURS outside my door to break up with me. Stalkerish and very creepy.
Ah well...moving on.
NEXT!
teehee
Ok. So it isn't as bad as all that. Yes Ted broke up with me (well, technically my table cloth as he didn't have the balls to look me in the eye) but honestly...it failed to phase me. There were some things that I just didn't think we could get past.
1) His complete lack of interests in sports. I'm not a jock, but I do love hockey and play softball and love to hike and camp and generally be outside and get dirty. Ted...not so much. He's more of a movie dude, music dude, art dude and general inside boy.
2) He's a boy. Let's not confuse this issue with gender. Sure he has a penis (and yes, that is where the initial Mr. Big came from - too big though and I'll go into that more later) but there is a difference between being a MAN at the age of 32 and being a BOY at the age of 32. Ted was most definitely a boy. I appreciate where it's important to keep childlike wonders of some things, but there must be a time when you must also recognize that at 32 you ought to be grown up.
3) Mr. Big was indeed TOO big. I know you're not really supposed to talk about the cock your with or even the details of the one you've just been with...but YIKES!!!! Length wasn't the issue...the girth of the thing made me shudder upon my first glimpse. The first time (out of 3 times) we attempted to have sex I had to be talked into it. "Babies come out of there...it's OK" was the tag line of the night. Sure some women really get into huge cocks...but oh my goodness. There is big and then there is the 'my fingers can't touch when I try to encircle it' big. I enjoy the feeling of being "full" but this was more like being stuffed...and not in a way that actually 'fit'.
Don't let the above fool you though...I am suffering from PMS so this is probably coming off a bit harsher than I actually feel about it. I would like to share with you the funny way in which he decided to break up with me though.
The night before The Breakup we had gone to a CD release party for a friend of mine's Salsa band Tanga. The night was hot and not just with the fabulous music...the place was SWELTERING and we had some Salsa Dance lessons plus were just dancing to the music on our own too. It was then that he brought up my impending trip to Cuba.
Because Ted had been very affectionate with me, bought me a small and thoughtful gift earlier in the night and treated me to a very yummy dinner I thought this was his way of bringingn it up to invite himself along on my trip. So naturally I laid out my travel plans and invited him along. He seemed fairly enthusiastic and said he'd look into making that happen.
The night progressed and I did mention to him that I was worried about asking him to Cuba as it does seem a bit forward at this early stage of our dating. He replied with "You can't get rid of me that easily" - remember this statement...it's important later.
Sooo. The night comes to a close and I decide I want to go home (I never could relax and actually SLEEP while Ted was in my bed...or when I was in his...no sleep was to be had). He tells me he was going out with 'the guys' on Friday (which I thought was odd cuz he hardly has any guy friends from what he told me) and I was happy he was doing that so that I could have a much needed ME night. We confirmed our date for Saturday and then we both went to our respective homes.
The next day was Friday and it was SOOO GORGEOUS outside that I decided to screw having a ME night and instead go out with the girls from work and Fi and just enjoy the sun with some bevvies. At around 7:30PM I get a call from Ted asking "where are you??"
I laughed and said I was out and why wasn't he out with the guys? He said that his guy night was postponed and wondered what time I was going to be home. I was not wanting to go home too early...I was having girly time and didn't want to end it prematurely to see him - after all I saw him the night before and was planning on seeing him the night after. I told him I could be home between 9:30 -10PM and he asked if he could call me then. I gave my consent and went back to chatting with Fi.
At 9:30PM Fi drives me home and asks if she could come up to check her emails. Why not? So we drive around but there is no place to park. Fi said that she'd give it a miss and just go home. No biggie. I go up to my apartment, go to the bathroom, turn my computer on and then write out my rent check. I get some laundry together and am about to head down to throw a load in the machine when my buzzer rings. I have been home MAYBE 6 minutes. I naturally think it's Fi who has found a spot and will come up to check her emails after all. This was not the case.
It was Ted and he sounded desperate "Hey Kwerkie, it's Ted, let me up".
Ummm...Ok.
So I buzzed him up and he appears at my door all sweaty and in the EXACT SAME CLOTHES that he wore the previous night. Now remember...it was hot in the place we were in and we were both dancing and he is a very sweaty guy...so I was immediately thinking YIKES! YUCK!
He excuses his clothing by saying he didn't sleep at all the night before and has finally figured out why he hasn't been sleeping and he must talk to me immediately. I got the 'break up' vibe from him so I said "Oh no, that's ok. You'd like to break up and I'm ok with that".
But he felt that he needed to explain.
He said he wasn't sure where his life was going, he might move up north to Prince George, he doesn't know if he wants to have kids, he's only a boy, he's still very young and I"m so much older than he is" (note, I am only 6 months older than he is).
Anyway... Ted is a very nice guy there is no doubt about that. I don't know if the PG thing was a truth or a convenient excuse...the whole speech went along the 'it's not you it's me' theme but the funny thing is...I KNOW it's not me. He never once looked me in the eye to say anything except the initial "you are a really great person" part. Everything that followed was said to my new fancy green table cloth.
Was I too keen? Maybe, but there was always a level of caution for me. I wasn't the one saying things like "you'll have to help me celebrate my birthday next year", and "at Christmas you'll have to partake in (insert sundry family tradition here)." These were things that HE was saying in the first 3 weeks we were dating.
I listened to him talk and my responses were all "Ok" and "That's alright" and I didn't get upset at all nor did I counter him in any way and when he suddenly farted (yuck) and then got up to go -he hugged me sweatily and awkwardly and then tried to put his shoes on. I said "I'll walk you down, I have to pay my rent anyway."
In truth I just wanted him to suffer a tiny bit more in the awkwardness he was enveloped in because I was pretty sure he saw me come home...and that wigged me out a bit. I wasn't feeling weird about the actual breakup at all, it was simply time to end this and I was pleased he did it before I did. We get down to the lobby and he asked for one more hug which I granted him.
Then I started to giggle.
Ted: "Why are you laughing?" He seemed horrified!
I just couldn't help myself - I told him the truth!
Kwekie "Umm (giggle) I"m laughing because yesterday when I told you that I was worried about asking you to Cuba because you might have thought I was planning too far ahead (giggle) and you said that you didn't think that and that I couldn't get rid of you that easily (giggle)...well...apparently I can! "
Then I laughed some more, he turned red in the face, looked a bit embarrassed and turned to leave. He then turned back and said "maybe in a few months if you felt like calling...." to which I quickly interrupted him and said "No, that won't be happening, but you take good care."
I wasn't sarcastic and I was trying to be kind to him as he was clearly going through a rough time. What bothered me the MOST about the whole thing was this tiny fact that the astute reader may or may not have picked up on.
Ted called me at 7 30PM asking where I was because...he was actually calling from a PAY PHONE located 3 blocks from my house. He had been in my neighbourhood waiting for me to come home since 5pm. This is why he knew to buzz me so quickly after I got home...he was down the block and SAW me come home. The guy waited approximately FIVE HOURS outside my door to break up with me. Stalkerish and very creepy.
Ah well...moving on.
NEXT!
Monday, May 21, 2007
My very own Mr. Big
So yes...all was quiet on the Kwerkie front for a while and that is because I was keeping Mr. Big on the down low for a while. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't just spouting off about another one of my short term dating dudes and thought better to introduce you to him once I was sure that things would be more than just 2 weeks or so.
Mr Big is not the same Mr. Big as one might expect from the popular show "Sex & The City". My Mr. Big has his name from his Big Heart, his Big Brain, his Big Frame (6ft 2 and body of a Rugby player) and mostly because of his Big Sense of Humour! Still, I can't keep calling him Mr. Big...I shall name him Ted.
Ted is totally different from 90% of the guys I've dated. Firstly, he's 6 months younger than I am and I do tend to date older men. Secondly, he's never been married, no kids and lately I had been dating guys who were either separated/divorced and who had kids. Thirdly, he's not a sporty guy but more of a culture guy and he knows more about various movies and music than dare I even say...Malcolm the Eye Guy!!! (and that is a hard act to follow in that regard).
After a few weeks of off and on seeing each other due to both our seriously hectic schedules, I wasn't too sure if Ted was actually into me. At the beginning of our dating he said a few things that were very 'futuristic' in that he was talking about us being together for a long haul which both excited me and made me a bit nervous. Then he seemed to really pull back and be more cavalier. On Friday when we had a much over due date after over a week of not seeing each other, we had a nice heart to heart about 'us'. I am not a once a week girlfriend. I like to get to know the guy I'm dating and I find that hard to do with only 1 out of 7 days to do that in. We agreed to begin the sharing parts of our lives - opening up the windows of our social circles to each other and see how things go from there.
So the beginning of that was a Games Night over at Russ's place just the previous Saturday. It went much better than I had hoped though I was aware of being a bit goofier and louder than perhaps normal (perhaps). At the Games Night was Russ and April (Russ's Girlfriend), Rhia and her boyfriend Ben and Rhia's daughter Kerry, Angela and Monique. I have a LOT of time for these people and they are what I would call 'my keepers' plus they are the most calm/normal of my friends so it was a natural choice to introduce Ted to these folks. (I admit I don't know Angela well and am, in fact, scared of her...but the rest are awesome).
The night was fun and light hearted and even seeing how Ted made sure to include Kerry in the conversations endeared him to me even more. He seemed to gel very well with my friends and even won the cut throat game of Pictionary that we played. After the game we had a great time chit chatting. Ted told great stories and was quick with witty comments here and there. After the games and stories were over Monique gave Ted and I a ride back to Ted's place where I spent the night.
After a short game of Lego-star wars we went to bed and chatted and cuddled and it was lovely. Yes, we've had sex in the past, but it wasn't on the menu on Sat night mostly due to my cramps and his head ache. It was just nice to cuddle and be quiet with each other. I'm actually going to be shy on the details of our sex life mostly because I like this guy...and have been feeling like the things I have already shared with my girlfriends have somehow betrayed him so I will keep the very private things private unless asking for advice.
I'll try to keep you posted on how things are going...but for now I will leave you with this. I am dating a very nice guy and I am feeling very good about the potential for Big Things. Even if this ends in friendship, I am already ahead of the game here - Ted is simply someone who is genuine, caring and I always feel good in his very presence.
Mr Big is not the same Mr. Big as one might expect from the popular show "Sex & The City". My Mr. Big has his name from his Big Heart, his Big Brain, his Big Frame (6ft 2 and body of a Rugby player) and mostly because of his Big Sense of Humour! Still, I can't keep calling him Mr. Big...I shall name him Ted.
Ted is totally different from 90% of the guys I've dated. Firstly, he's 6 months younger than I am and I do tend to date older men. Secondly, he's never been married, no kids and lately I had been dating guys who were either separated/divorced and who had kids. Thirdly, he's not a sporty guy but more of a culture guy and he knows more about various movies and music than dare I even say...Malcolm the Eye Guy!!! (and that is a hard act to follow in that regard).
After a few weeks of off and on seeing each other due to both our seriously hectic schedules, I wasn't too sure if Ted was actually into me. At the beginning of our dating he said a few things that were very 'futuristic' in that he was talking about us being together for a long haul which both excited me and made me a bit nervous. Then he seemed to really pull back and be more cavalier. On Friday when we had a much over due date after over a week of not seeing each other, we had a nice heart to heart about 'us'. I am not a once a week girlfriend. I like to get to know the guy I'm dating and I find that hard to do with only 1 out of 7 days to do that in. We agreed to begin the sharing parts of our lives - opening up the windows of our social circles to each other and see how things go from there.
So the beginning of that was a Games Night over at Russ's place just the previous Saturday. It went much better than I had hoped though I was aware of being a bit goofier and louder than perhaps normal (perhaps). At the Games Night was Russ and April (Russ's Girlfriend), Rhia and her boyfriend Ben and Rhia's daughter Kerry, Angela and Monique. I have a LOT of time for these people and they are what I would call 'my keepers' plus they are the most calm/normal of my friends so it was a natural choice to introduce Ted to these folks. (I admit I don't know Angela well and am, in fact, scared of her...but the rest are awesome).
The night was fun and light hearted and even seeing how Ted made sure to include Kerry in the conversations endeared him to me even more. He seemed to gel very well with my friends and even won the cut throat game of Pictionary that we played. After the game we had a great time chit chatting. Ted told great stories and was quick with witty comments here and there. After the games and stories were over Monique gave Ted and I a ride back to Ted's place where I spent the night.
After a short game of Lego-star wars we went to bed and chatted and cuddled and it was lovely. Yes, we've had sex in the past, but it wasn't on the menu on Sat night mostly due to my cramps and his head ache. It was just nice to cuddle and be quiet with each other. I'm actually going to be shy on the details of our sex life mostly because I like this guy...and have been feeling like the things I have already shared with my girlfriends have somehow betrayed him so I will keep the very private things private unless asking for advice.
I'll try to keep you posted on how things are going...but for now I will leave you with this. I am dating a very nice guy and I am feeling very good about the potential for Big Things. Even if this ends in friendship, I am already ahead of the game here - Ted is simply someone who is genuine, caring and I always feel good in his very presence.
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