The Universe is massive. It's so inconceivably mega big that it might actually blow a person's mind to think about it all at once. I believe that most people just build their own mini-universes and sit comfortably in the knowledge that they are at the centre of it. I bet they sit on lovely comfy couches...plush with loads of pillows for extra comfort, with a lovely pine coffee table on which to place their favourite bevvy of choice....on coasters of course so as not to ruin the fine craftmenship of the table.
Like most people that dabble a bit in neo-paganism I believe that most things happen for a reason. I try to take the lessons I've learned along the way for what they are and not dwell too much in the past or the heavy emotions that might be involved. I admit I wallow at times, but it's important to know when to get out of the pitty pool before you get too wrinkly and all prune like.
This week the Lifeguard duty went to Aramous. He blew the whistle loud and clear last night and I had no choice but to climb on out of the pitty pool. Good thing too...I was laughing so hard last night that I was in danger of peeing in the pool! Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey song helped too. (If you haven't heard this song...you need to. I think I'm going to play it whenever I feel terribly blue...or even slightly indigo)
What I love the most about Aramous is his incredible ability to point out the humour in all my failed relationships. The guy should apply at Yuk Yuks...though I'm not sure I'm comfortable with him using me as material. I think that if my life were to be out there for everyone to make fun of...then I ought to be the one telling it...oh wait...that's what this blog is for. (teehee)
Ok, back to the Universe. Aramous pointed out that even if I have grown weary of dating, that maybe I should still keep my intentions out there...so I have left my profile on Lavalife in the "dating" section open and I'll check it periodically, but have the full intention of spending the next while fairly single and just chilled out in general. There are many Christmas parties and a New Year's Eve Bash (which promises to be shi-shi-fah-fah) to have fun with. So I have sent my intentions out to the Universe and hopefully, in all it's inconceiveably mega bigness it will provide for me what it is I need...regardless of what it is I believe I want.
Another strange phenomenon that is occuring is the "Blast from the Past" boyfriends or guys that seem to be crawling out of the woodwork. Maybe it's the Holiday Season that is upon us that makes men think that with a drunken phone call or short MSN inquirey that they can somehow woo back the women they've lost or given up on or have thrown out.
I have 3 examples for you. I'll start with the most recent "past" 1) Gryffin phoned me the very night that Jon ended things with me. Strange...he had pretty much dropped off the face of the planet for 3 weeks. A sudden change from our every 2nd day phone calls or hanging out. He is suddenly singal as well. Hmmm...what do you suppose he wants? I wonder. (Do they have sarcasm on your planet?) He also phoned me last night just after Aramous had left. I was too happy to enquire into what he was hoping for from me.
2) A quick instant message from Giermo asking me if it is safe to come out of hiding. I wasn't aware I was hiding. Was he hiding? I wasn't aware of that either. What for? Why is being my friend so important to him? What is it that I have that he wants? I am still amazed that he figured that using me to get at Nathan was not as bad as using me to replace Grace. I think the key words here in this whole thing are "using me".
3) Hamish - my first love - emailed me and wants to get together and figure stuff out. I believe it's some sort of "High Fidelity" thing going on with him. He has a wonderful girlfriend who lives in Japan at the moment and Hamish is going over in January to meet her family and likely propose. But he wants to go over what happened between us and figure out the mistakes he made along the way so that he doesn't make the same mistakes with her.
I am still friendly with Hamish...we dated for so long...about 3 1/2 years all said and done. One year solid...than the next 2 were off and on and off and on. The best part about seeing Hamish on ocasion at mutual friend's parties etc...is to see how much we've both grown as people over the last 12 years.
To be clear, we both made several relationship errors or mistakes or what ever you want to call them. So I can't and won't, lay all the blame on him. Besides that...we have both changed so much...really grew up and into ourselves as individuals, that I doubt it would have lasted if we catered to the other's needs anyway. I am thankful for my time with Hamish, it was really really painful at times, but look who I am today! I admit that a big part of my communication skills are a direct result of dating Hamish.
So what are the lessons I am supposed to be taking from these 3 dudes showing up again?
Clearly for Gryffin it is to NOT be the In The Mean Time Girl. But I already went through that...lines in the sand...confidence seeing me through...did I need a reminder? Maybe.
Giermo - I am thinking it might actually be that I need to just let it go. That shit happened, I didn't enjoy it...but I don't have to wallow in it or think about it any more. It's done. Maybe he is supposed to be in my life in some way...I just need a bit more time that is all. My lip curls a bit when I think of him and all I can hear in my head are the words I didn't say to him "Who's the dog now Giermo?" (reference there was that he claims Nathan is a dog and that Giermo himself is the gentleman)
Hamish - maybe I should be taking a look at my own behaviour in relationships. What other patterns do I have that perhaps hinder my quest for love and acceptance? Or maybe I should just rent High Fidelity and drool over John Cusac for a while. teehee.
Here is what I am really looking for - a partner! Not a boyfriend or someone to "complete me" because I happen to think I'm a pretty together chicky woo already. I just want someone with whom I can live out the Right Now poem with. (if you haven't read that...scroll down...it's the piece I worked the hardest on and my personal favourite). It's the "quiet and naked" part I crave...intimacy with silence - acceptance.
Ok...time to hang up the bathing suit and ring out the water from the pitty pool. Next stop -Fantasy Island! (teehee)
Loads of love and laughs,
Kwerkie.
P.S. Another special shout out to my peep Aramous. *Mega Hugs buddy*
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