Right! I've been constipated on the issue of Mattias for far too long. It's time to shit or get off the pot.
I've decided that a change in the appearance of The Single Files was needed. After looking through Lady K's blog and LOVING the changes she's made there...I thought it was high time to switch things around here.
No more Kwerkie the Kermit....on to Kwerkie the Klassy.
To be a class act I shall have to do some major overhauling.
1) Thursday is D day for Mattias and I. I can't give any more and I need a lot more than he is giving. It's not a suprise - we have been doing the 'this isn't working' dance for a while now and it's time that I grew up and just took care of it.
My friend Jordie said something to me the other day that I can't stop thinking about. "Is the fucking you're having worth the fucking you're getting" - a bit of redneck philosophy to make me realize that all the issues that are between Mattias and I are NOT worth all the stress.
I KNOW relationships are work. I KNOW there needs to be give and take...but the point is to find a bit of a balance - I no longer feel that this see-saw game is safe for me. I am aware that this sounds like a fairweather lover point of view, but let's be honest here - I'm not likely to get the end product I want - ie KID(s) of my own - why hang on to something that isn't what I want? It's like those silly green high heels I bought in the Spring and never wore nor returned.
2) I am afraid that I am becoming a bit jaded in my perception of people in general. The clique that I hang out with have some good 'keepers' in there but I am getting more and more disgruntled with the amount of immature bullshit that seems to be teaming through it. In particular I am saddened that my friendships with some people seem to be have been built on smoke and mirrors.
I can barely deal with my OWN emotional napalm let alone someone else's and I am getting more and more bored with the attempts at self gratification and manipulation that I see others doing.
I need to be on my own for a while. I need to cave a bit. I need to get a bit of a firmer stance on the ground so that I don't just fly off the handle at any old thing.
I am thinking about taking a self defence class. I think it will help me in a few ways - but mostly to be a bit less sensitive and emotional. Sometimes I cherish my openess with my feelings...other times it just seems to get me ito more trouble and heartache then necessary.
Does anyone have any advice for become a cold hearted bitch? Perhaps just a bit more guarded??
And...how do you like the new look?
And...how do I add my links back??
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Sweet & Sour - I'm a phreakin' Meatball!
I’m too nice to the point of being an absolute bitch.
Hey- don’t furrow your brows like that…it makes sense….just think about it.
I am being really nice to Mattais lately. Too nice. Which is why when I go 100% Cold Turkey on him it’s going to seem like some sort of Cybil moment. It’s not…it’s just that I’m too nice and then when I put my foot down…it comes off like I’m a mega bitch. Which will ALL know is just not true…if I’m a mega ANYTHING it’s a Megalomaniac!
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be friends with my exs. It’s too hard…there’s too much demand on my time and I can’t stand it. I need to just start saying NO.
What seems to be my issue here? Why is it that I have to make sure it all comes out roses? Sometimes a relationship dies and it should just be left alone. We’re both great people, but I don’t want to BE with him anymore. I KNOW he’s not the one for me and I refuse to ‘rescue’ him.
When we broke up I initially felt it hard. We talked a LOT. There were still about 4-7 calls per day and we even met for lunch once during the week. Then it was just too easy to fall back into the swing of things…back into meeting for lunch, back into 6-12 calls per day and then back into bed again.
NO NO NO NO NO! ENOUGH.
How will EITHER of us move on if we are still doing EVERYTHING that couples do? I know that most of this is my fault. I’m a phreakin’ push over. I think I need to take a self defense class. If I know I can kick the shit out of someone I think it would be easier for me to just say no. Also, Mattias fed my ego…and my stomach. 18lbs gained since we started dating. No I’m NOT suggesting that he’s a Feeder. But…there was some recreational pharmaceuticals consumed and I ALWAYS get the munchies…for really really bad icky things. Then between work and trying to see him I haven’t been to the gym. MY FAULT I know.
Soooo. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO ENOUGH!
BACK to the gym with me- (hoorah for day 1)
STOPPING the phone calls, texts and other things with Mattias. COLD TURKEY. On to meatballs.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Let's Make A Deal
So after my last few dating experiences I thought it was time to really think about and define what my Deal Breakers are.
We all have them, and some of them are fairly common and made good sense. Infidelity; for example, is pretty much my # 1 Deal Breaker, followed closely by Lying, Criminal Behavior, Assholia (treating people like crap just cuz they can) and Not Wanting Any Children.
It's pretty heavy and I know it must read like all I want to do is go out and get married and have a baby. It is a bit more complicated than just that. Not just any guy will do y'see. And I don't want to jump right from Girlfriend to Wife to Mum in under 4 years - that is just folly!
I look at my oldest brother and his wife and they have been together since 1993. That is 13 years!!! Their marriage has lasted longer than my parent's did and they still seem to really be in love with each other. It's not like they don't have their moments or frustrations or times when they may be contemplating murdering each other.
Sometimes the idea of being with the same person for more than 2 years frightens me. Could I really have my interest kept for that long? I've never had the opportunity to test it out...2yrs was the longest relationship I ever had...and it was built all on lies lies lies.
Anyway...I'm getting away from the topic at hand here. Deal Breakers.
1) Infidelity
2) Lying
(I know they seem to go hand in hand but sometimes they don't...so a separate category was necessary)
3) Kids - I don't mind if they have a child but I do really want to at least TRY to have a baby of my own. If it's off the shelf then I can't put my heart on it.
4) Smoking - I know I know...I have dated a few smokers (Mattias as the most recent) and I just can't do it anymore. It's bad enough they want to poison themselves, I don't have to be a part of that. (Aren't reformed smokers the worst?? I know! I'm one of them!P).
5) Obstinance - I"'m the bossy one....I can't be bossed around (much)
6) Distance. This one is tricky. Mattias lives 76kms away...I am sans vehcile so it was always him coming out to see me or us meeting up after work as we both worked downtown. It's crazy how far away 76kms really is.
I think I'm a very easy going person and I tend to let a lot of things slide - probably TOO many things slide.
I vow to be a bit more picky....no more comprimising myself into an unhealthy relationship or away from my dreams.
And NO....I don't want to have a baby right now....or even 9 months from now - but it's sort of in my 5-8year plan.
The change is starting....hair first....glasses next...what will happen after that? You'll have to stay tuned!
We all have them, and some of them are fairly common and made good sense. Infidelity; for example, is pretty much my # 1 Deal Breaker, followed closely by Lying, Criminal Behavior, Assholia (treating people like crap just cuz they can) and Not Wanting Any Children.
It's pretty heavy and I know it must read like all I want to do is go out and get married and have a baby. It is a bit more complicated than just that. Not just any guy will do y'see. And I don't want to jump right from Girlfriend to Wife to Mum in under 4 years - that is just folly!
I look at my oldest brother and his wife and they have been together since 1993. That is 13 years!!! Their marriage has lasted longer than my parent's did and they still seem to really be in love with each other. It's not like they don't have their moments or frustrations or times when they may be contemplating murdering each other.
Sometimes the idea of being with the same person for more than 2 years frightens me. Could I really have my interest kept for that long? I've never had the opportunity to test it out...2yrs was the longest relationship I ever had...and it was built all on lies lies lies.
Anyway...I'm getting away from the topic at hand here. Deal Breakers.
1) Infidelity
2) Lying
(I know they seem to go hand in hand but sometimes they don't...so a separate category was necessary)
3) Kids - I don't mind if they have a child but I do really want to at least TRY to have a baby of my own. If it's off the shelf then I can't put my heart on it.
4) Smoking - I know I know...I have dated a few smokers (Mattias as the most recent) and I just can't do it anymore. It's bad enough they want to poison themselves, I don't have to be a part of that. (Aren't reformed smokers the worst?? I know! I'm one of them!P).
5) Obstinance - I"'m the bossy one....I can't be bossed around (much)
6) Distance. This one is tricky. Mattias lives 76kms away...I am sans vehcile so it was always him coming out to see me or us meeting up after work as we both worked downtown. It's crazy how far away 76kms really is.
I think I'm a very easy going person and I tend to let a lot of things slide - probably TOO many things slide.
I vow to be a bit more picky....no more comprimising myself into an unhealthy relationship or away from my dreams.
And NO....I don't want to have a baby right now....or even 9 months from now - but it's sort of in my 5-8year plan.
The change is starting....hair first....glasses next...what will happen after that? You'll have to stay tuned!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Shut up WhiteSnake!
So here I go again on my own.
Goin' down the only road I"ve ever known.
Like a drifter I was- I SAID.....SHUT UP WHITESNAKE!
*sigh* So of course Mattias and I have ended our romantic dalliance. It was coming for a while and to be honest, it was the very nicest break up I have ever had.
It started innocent enough - he was asking how my brother and sister-in-law were doing now that their baby has come into the world 2 1/2 weeks early. It morphed into the "We both know Kwerkie wants kids" talk....and then pretty soon we were sitting there with this ENORMOUS elephant in the room which we both refused to acknowledge.
Kwerkie "Do you see that great big elephant sitting over there?"
Mattias "Oh...you mean that large Grey Affrican with the floppy ears and extra long trunk?"
Kwerkie "Oh...is that what that is? An Affrican Grey?
Mattias "You tell me....I dont' see it"
And there it was....over. It ended with lots of cuddling and he even stayed the night...in my bed. And nothing happened. Well...we did cuddle. There was no nookie or wookie or nose biting or anything to suggest that we were lovers.
I melted down a wee bit in the morning when he gave me back my keys. The fact that we haven't really stopped talking to each other still seems a bit odd. We were talkers....5-8 times a day when we didn't see each other....and at least 3-5 times during the day PRIOR to meeting up. We were all about talking. And we talked about everything.
LadyK even made the comment that Mattias was the closest personality match to myself and that she could totally understand why I was attracted to him both physicaly and mentally.
*sigh*
It's a bit silly...but I know that he isn't the one for me so that makes me feel a bit better. There are changes coming...moving most likey to a cheaper place so I can save some $$ and then .....brace yourself....Calgary in 2008.
Maybe I'll get a horse....probably just a dog though - and to be clear I am NOT talking metaphorically.
What a great time...right before my birthday. I must be getting wiser or something.
Goin' down the only road I"ve ever known.
Like a drifter I was- I SAID.....SHUT UP WHITESNAKE!
*sigh* So of course Mattias and I have ended our romantic dalliance. It was coming for a while and to be honest, it was the very nicest break up I have ever had.
It started innocent enough - he was asking how my brother and sister-in-law were doing now that their baby has come into the world 2 1/2 weeks early. It morphed into the "We both know Kwerkie wants kids" talk....and then pretty soon we were sitting there with this ENORMOUS elephant in the room which we both refused to acknowledge.
Kwerkie "Do you see that great big elephant sitting over there?"
Mattias "Oh...you mean that large Grey Affrican with the floppy ears and extra long trunk?"
Kwerkie "Oh...is that what that is? An Affrican Grey?
Mattias "You tell me....I dont' see it"
And there it was....over. It ended with lots of cuddling and he even stayed the night...in my bed. And nothing happened. Well...we did cuddle. There was no nookie or wookie or nose biting or anything to suggest that we were lovers.
I melted down a wee bit in the morning when he gave me back my keys. The fact that we haven't really stopped talking to each other still seems a bit odd. We were talkers....5-8 times a day when we didn't see each other....and at least 3-5 times during the day PRIOR to meeting up. We were all about talking. And we talked about everything.
LadyK even made the comment that Mattias was the closest personality match to myself and that she could totally understand why I was attracted to him both physicaly and mentally.
*sigh*
It's a bit silly...but I know that he isn't the one for me so that makes me feel a bit better. There are changes coming...moving most likey to a cheaper place so I can save some $$ and then .....brace yourself....Calgary in 2008.
Maybe I'll get a horse....probably just a dog though - and to be clear I am NOT talking metaphorically.
What a great time...right before my birthday. I must be getting wiser or something.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Positively Negative
I just want to bitch for a minute.
I want to bitch about random things that have been on my mind for a little while and some things that just came to light today.
I want to bitch about people who are the 'other woman' or the 'other man' in an affair. What makes you KNOWINGLY get involved with another person who is either a) married or b) in a relationship? What is the appeal here? Is the attached man/woman THAT attractive that any sense of morals or social etiquette goes right out the window? In the case I am thinking of, the affair has "allegedly" ended but it has actually has had ripple effects and has actually went from being just a 'personal' thing to actually interfering with the 'other persons' business. I wonder what would happen if the 'other person's' BOSS found out.
I want to bitch about ....ahhh forget it. I'm tired of bitching.
It's fall...what mega change is going to take place this year?
Mattias and I are still in the talking stage of the kid discussion. He's 95% 'in'. I"m not sure what that means exactly but for now I'm still having fun.
Work is going GREAT! Big Mega PHAT raise. 3 International Trips on the go and a new Festival in the works that I am organizing. Lots of trips to see teachers but sadly...due to the conflict with my oldest brother and his wife about to have their 2nd child...I will not be going to Alberta to see my favourites.
I toss around the idea of moving to Calgary a lot...but with the way work is going right now and my family expanding...well...it seems that Vancouver will be my home for a while. I keep hearing about all the wonderful fabulous things in Calgary...
I'm turning 32...what the hell happened to My Plan?
I want to bitch about random things that have been on my mind for a little while and some things that just came to light today.
I want to bitch about people who are the 'other woman' or the 'other man' in an affair. What makes you KNOWINGLY get involved with another person who is either a) married or b) in a relationship? What is the appeal here? Is the attached man/woman THAT attractive that any sense of morals or social etiquette goes right out the window? In the case I am thinking of, the affair has "allegedly" ended but it has actually has had ripple effects and has actually went from being just a 'personal' thing to actually interfering with the 'other persons' business. I wonder what would happen if the 'other person's' BOSS found out.
I want to bitch about ....ahhh forget it. I'm tired of bitching.
It's fall...what mega change is going to take place this year?
Mattias and I are still in the talking stage of the kid discussion. He's 95% 'in'. I"m not sure what that means exactly but for now I'm still having fun.
Work is going GREAT! Big Mega PHAT raise. 3 International Trips on the go and a new Festival in the works that I am organizing. Lots of trips to see teachers but sadly...due to the conflict with my oldest brother and his wife about to have their 2nd child...I will not be going to Alberta to see my favourites.
I toss around the idea of moving to Calgary a lot...but with the way work is going right now and my family expanding...well...it seems that Vancouver will be my home for a while. I keep hearing about all the wonderful fabulous things in Calgary...
I'm turning 32...what the hell happened to My Plan?
Monday, September 18, 2006
all the cards are on the table
So last month was my nephew Noah's 2nd Birthday and of course there was a party and of course my family was there and of COURSE I got to hold Chloe - my 3 month old tiny, perfect little niece!
I was suffering from PMS so I wasn't quite myself...emotional mostly and when I held wee Chloe in my arms...YIKES...the clock went from a quiet little 'tic tic tic' to a 9 O'Clock gun BOOM! Later that day I went out wtih Mattias and was a bit sullen...the realization that yes...I really really want to have kids one day was weighing very heavy on my mind. I was, afterall, dating a guy who has five kids already.
Ok...so naturally Mattias asked me what was keeping me so quiet and I told him. I laid all my cards out on the table. Yes, I want to have a baby some day. The problem with this statement is that although I know I would like to have a baby...I KNOW that I don't want to have one right now but what I am thinking is in the next 5 years. I'm turning 32 this year and as much as people tell me that having babies at 40yrs old is not that big of a deal, I know that for myself, I would love to have a baby before the age of 37. That gives me just over 5 years to be in a relationship that is loving and supportive and all the things that I want to be there in a relationship in order to HAVE a baby..and well...it doesn't seem like that much time to me.
So Mattias took it all in stride and said that he's not saying NO but he's not saying YES to actually the idea of WANTING more kids. Ok...I could accept that. We are still building OUR relationship.
Fast forward one month. Yesterday Mattias & I had a talk. Though he couched the terms in "still not made up my mind" the fact that it's been ON his mind since we spoke in AUG has sent some warning bells off for me. He kept saying things like "IF only I met you 12 years ago" and "I'm in the home stretch...I have 11 more years until the Twins are adults".
I am really strugging with this. This would be a deal breaker for me. I WANT to have a baby. If he never waivers from the fence...I don't think I can give up my dream of having a family.
There is, of course, the argument that he has 5 children and IF Mattias and I stay together than I will have a large family even if none of the kids are my own. This sounds nice and all very Hallmark movie of the week...but let's face it people. I can be a very selfish woman and in this, I am not willing to make that sacrifice.
It's interesting this has come up actually because there is a lot of baby talk and talk about raising children going on in my life. I feel like this is the universe asking me some tough questions to see if I am actually UP for the challenge.
It's not just about genetics. It's about the whole experience. Being pregnant...feeling the child grow inside me, pushing it out into the world, raising a child that is half my dna, being a hockey mum (oh come on...you KNOW that a child of mine will be playing hockey!).
I can't help but think...how long do I continue to date Mattias and get even closer to him only to find out 5 years down the road that my dreams of having a child are over? I don't know what to do!
I'm really torn...I love haning out with Mattias...he's hillarious and we do a lot of fun things togeher - have you noticed I've been quiet on here? It's mostly due to the fact that I'm often OUT having a life and having fun and many of my nights are spent with Mattias.
Maybe what I can do is break up with Mattias now and try to get over him and then suddenly when I'm not looking again someone will come along , sweep me off my feet and have a family.
This is NOT a discussion I wanted to have within the first 6 months of dating anyone. Shouldn't this sort of thing just happen naturally?
I was suffering from PMS so I wasn't quite myself...emotional mostly and when I held wee Chloe in my arms...YIKES...the clock went from a quiet little 'tic tic tic' to a 9 O'Clock gun BOOM! Later that day I went out wtih Mattias and was a bit sullen...the realization that yes...I really really want to have kids one day was weighing very heavy on my mind. I was, afterall, dating a guy who has five kids already.
Ok...so naturally Mattias asked me what was keeping me so quiet and I told him. I laid all my cards out on the table. Yes, I want to have a baby some day. The problem with this statement is that although I know I would like to have a baby...I KNOW that I don't want to have one right now but what I am thinking is in the next 5 years. I'm turning 32 this year and as much as people tell me that having babies at 40yrs old is not that big of a deal, I know that for myself, I would love to have a baby before the age of 37. That gives me just over 5 years to be in a relationship that is loving and supportive and all the things that I want to be there in a relationship in order to HAVE a baby..and well...it doesn't seem like that much time to me.
So Mattias took it all in stride and said that he's not saying NO but he's not saying YES to actually the idea of WANTING more kids. Ok...I could accept that. We are still building OUR relationship.
Fast forward one month. Yesterday Mattias & I had a talk. Though he couched the terms in "still not made up my mind" the fact that it's been ON his mind since we spoke in AUG has sent some warning bells off for me. He kept saying things like "IF only I met you 12 years ago" and "I'm in the home stretch...I have 11 more years until the Twins are adults".
I am really strugging with this. This would be a deal breaker for me. I WANT to have a baby. If he never waivers from the fence...I don't think I can give up my dream of having a family.
There is, of course, the argument that he has 5 children and IF Mattias and I stay together than I will have a large family even if none of the kids are my own. This sounds nice and all very Hallmark movie of the week...but let's face it people. I can be a very selfish woman and in this, I am not willing to make that sacrifice.
It's interesting this has come up actually because there is a lot of baby talk and talk about raising children going on in my life. I feel like this is the universe asking me some tough questions to see if I am actually UP for the challenge.
It's not just about genetics. It's about the whole experience. Being pregnant...feeling the child grow inside me, pushing it out into the world, raising a child that is half my dna, being a hockey mum (oh come on...you KNOW that a child of mine will be playing hockey!).
I can't help but think...how long do I continue to date Mattias and get even closer to him only to find out 5 years down the road that my dreams of having a child are over? I don't know what to do!
I'm really torn...I love haning out with Mattias...he's hillarious and we do a lot of fun things togeher - have you noticed I've been quiet on here? It's mostly due to the fact that I'm often OUT having a life and having fun and many of my nights are spent with Mattias.
Maybe what I can do is break up with Mattias now and try to get over him and then suddenly when I'm not looking again someone will come along , sweep me off my feet and have a family.
This is NOT a discussion I wanted to have within the first 6 months of dating anyone. Shouldn't this sort of thing just happen naturally?
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Umm...is it my imagination
or have I suddenly dropped off the face of the world again???
I've had two blissfully distracted weeks off from work and I pretty much didn't do too much.
I've been having 'supervised' babysitting with my nephew Xander who is soooo cute I could just totally eat him up! He's 16month old and though he tries....his communication skills are just a bit rudimentary and I can't really understand a lot of what he's trying to say.
I'm practicing for when my brother and his wife go in the hospital in OCT to deliver baby #2 into the world. We are all fairly certain that she is going to have to have a C-Section so there may be a period of up to 4 or 6 days when I will have to be living at their house looking after Xander by myself.
He seems to have taken to playing with me very well and lets me feed him and change his icky diapers...it's the putting down to sleep that we seem to be having a total breakdown with. I am sure that this weekend will be much better as I will actually be ALONE with him and he'll have to choice but to go to sleep for me and he'll KNOW that his parents are NOT at home.
So then a near week spent with Mattias and his kids and the chaos that can occur when there are FIVE chillins around and yet...yet I am still convinced I want to huff and puff and squeeze one of them out of my own body...somehow.
I want to really take a look at what is going on with Mattias and I. I feel myself getting very soppy and all gooey around him and then this shadow...a ghost of a thought crosses my cerebral cortex and I wonder if I'm gooey for the right reasons.
I don't want to be that girl that falls for the guy that has the kids and wants more kids just because he has that mind set. I want to be the girl that falls for the guy who just HAPPENS to have kids.
To be honest I feel that it's really the latter and not the former. I mean...it's not my dream to fall in love with a man who lives over 70 kms away, smokes nearlhy 2 packs of ciggarettes a day and has five half grown kids.
I think I just need to let this happen. Take deep breaths and just let this happen.
I've had two blissfully distracted weeks off from work and I pretty much didn't do too much.
I've been having 'supervised' babysitting with my nephew Xander who is soooo cute I could just totally eat him up! He's 16month old and though he tries....his communication skills are just a bit rudimentary and I can't really understand a lot of what he's trying to say.
I'm practicing for when my brother and his wife go in the hospital in OCT to deliver baby #2 into the world. We are all fairly certain that she is going to have to have a C-Section so there may be a period of up to 4 or 6 days when I will have to be living at their house looking after Xander by myself.
He seems to have taken to playing with me very well and lets me feed him and change his icky diapers...it's the putting down to sleep that we seem to be having a total breakdown with. I am sure that this weekend will be much better as I will actually be ALONE with him and he'll have to choice but to go to sleep for me and he'll KNOW that his parents are NOT at home.
So then a near week spent with Mattias and his kids and the chaos that can occur when there are FIVE chillins around and yet...yet I am still convinced I want to huff and puff and squeeze one of them out of my own body...somehow.
I want to really take a look at what is going on with Mattias and I. I feel myself getting very soppy and all gooey around him and then this shadow...a ghost of a thought crosses my cerebral cortex and I wonder if I'm gooey for the right reasons.
I don't want to be that girl that falls for the guy that has the kids and wants more kids just because he has that mind set. I want to be the girl that falls for the guy who just HAPPENS to have kids.
To be honest I feel that it's really the latter and not the former. I mean...it's not my dream to fall in love with a man who lives over 70 kms away, smokes nearlhy 2 packs of ciggarettes a day and has five half grown kids.
I think I just need to let this happen. Take deep breaths and just let this happen.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Not kidnapped...but definitely kid friendly
I know it's been ages since I've posted but there have been SOOOO many things going on.
Firstly....I was in Costa Rica for 21 days and there was no way I was going to waste my time and money in an internet cafe posting about how crazy I was to miss Mattias as we weren't together that long etc.
Secondly...as soon as I came back from Costa Rica I was away again on 2 more work trips and so I was trying to just get back to me, back to Mattias to see if things can progress with us and just generally catching back up.
Alrighty....there are farrrrr too many details to try and sqeeze in here so let me just give you the jist of it.
1) Costa Rica was FABULOUS and I once again can't say how fabulous it is to work in a job that lets me travel and do what I love and just be happy in general.
2) Mattias and I racked up a $600.00 phone bill while I was away...and we talked for 2 weeks straight when I got back just to catch up. Things are going VERY well between us and I am trying to keep things in check and not get all swept up in things.
3) The Kids. I love them....they are all unique and have very distinct and different personalities...especially the twins! I think they really like me too so that is cool. I play with them and I also have been disciplining them (normal stuff like "stop hitting your sister" and "take your brothers head out of the toy box"). I made them all eat alllllll their veggies before giving them a fudgcicle.
So yeah...I admit it....I have been day dreaming about what it might be like to be with Mattias and all the kids in the future....sort of a Brady Bunch episode only I don't bring my own kids into the mix seeing as I don't have any.
I may have babysat over the years all ages of kids from infants to 12yr olds...but this isn't the same. It's not just a job or one night...this would be much much bigger than that. I'd be lying to say that this doesn't intimidate me to some degree...but I also love a challenge.
On Sunday I thought it would be a great idea to go to Aldergrove Lake and let the kids splash around and we'd have a picnic lunch and all will be well. Grea idea right???
Ok...so I get the kids to help me get some stuff together and I am feeling pretty chuffed with myself. Mattias gets our stuff together and was figuring out the vehicle situtation and it all looked like it's coming along well. We get to the lake and let the kids loose and we splash and play with them too. Pretty soon it's lunch time. Left over hamburgers and salad from dinner the night before. Hmmm...great. I failed to pack any ketchup or mustard for the burgers, no plates and only 4 forks for the salad and the best part....NO Napkins or Papertowels or anything to wipe their faces with. I did bring iced-tea and cups....thank god!
It seemed to work out OK but I realized that there is no such thing as playing domestic. I should have made a list but thought I could just whip it together. Mattias was helping as well so it's not like I was trying to do this all on my own but I was in charge of the food and he was in charge of vehicles, towels and toys.
Yeah...I felt pretty bad for fogetting what I am sure seems like the basics...but I had little helpers that were making more mess than actually helping. The funny thing was...I wasn't annoyed about it! It was bizzare!!! I'm sure it might wear off but he's a good Dad and it's not like I"m watching some Dead Beat Dad or Ignorant Mum NOT watch their kids or dump them on me etc.
Mattias has talked to me about his fears that I'm going to get bored with him and the kids or that I'll miss my single life style or that I'll just decide that FIVE kids is wayyy too much to handle AND date etc.
Well...I like spending time with Mattias and it's very easy and relaxed and things seem to be going in a direction that I like. This is NOT a race...let's just see what happens...no rushing into things....just seeing.
Firstly....I was in Costa Rica for 21 days and there was no way I was going to waste my time and money in an internet cafe posting about how crazy I was to miss Mattias as we weren't together that long etc.
Secondly...as soon as I came back from Costa Rica I was away again on 2 more work trips and so I was trying to just get back to me, back to Mattias to see if things can progress with us and just generally catching back up.
Alrighty....there are farrrrr too many details to try and sqeeze in here so let me just give you the jist of it.
1) Costa Rica was FABULOUS and I once again can't say how fabulous it is to work in a job that lets me travel and do what I love and just be happy in general.
2) Mattias and I racked up a $600.00 phone bill while I was away...and we talked for 2 weeks straight when I got back just to catch up. Things are going VERY well between us and I am trying to keep things in check and not get all swept up in things.
3) The Kids. I love them....they are all unique and have very distinct and different personalities...especially the twins! I think they really like me too so that is cool. I play with them and I also have been disciplining them (normal stuff like "stop hitting your sister" and "take your brothers head out of the toy box"). I made them all eat alllllll their veggies before giving them a fudgcicle.
So yeah...I admit it....I have been day dreaming about what it might be like to be with Mattias and all the kids in the future....sort of a Brady Bunch episode only I don't bring my own kids into the mix seeing as I don't have any.
I may have babysat over the years all ages of kids from infants to 12yr olds...but this isn't the same. It's not just a job or one night...this would be much much bigger than that. I'd be lying to say that this doesn't intimidate me to some degree...but I also love a challenge.
On Sunday I thought it would be a great idea to go to Aldergrove Lake and let the kids splash around and we'd have a picnic lunch and all will be well. Grea idea right???
Ok...so I get the kids to help me get some stuff together and I am feeling pretty chuffed with myself. Mattias gets our stuff together and was figuring out the vehicle situtation and it all looked like it's coming along well. We get to the lake and let the kids loose and we splash and play with them too. Pretty soon it's lunch time. Left over hamburgers and salad from dinner the night before. Hmmm...great. I failed to pack any ketchup or mustard for the burgers, no plates and only 4 forks for the salad and the best part....NO Napkins or Papertowels or anything to wipe their faces with. I did bring iced-tea and cups....thank god!
It seemed to work out OK but I realized that there is no such thing as playing domestic. I should have made a list but thought I could just whip it together. Mattias was helping as well so it's not like I was trying to do this all on my own but I was in charge of the food and he was in charge of vehicles, towels and toys.
Yeah...I felt pretty bad for fogetting what I am sure seems like the basics...but I had little helpers that were making more mess than actually helping. The funny thing was...I wasn't annoyed about it! It was bizzare!!! I'm sure it might wear off but he's a good Dad and it's not like I"m watching some Dead Beat Dad or Ignorant Mum NOT watch their kids or dump them on me etc.
Mattias has talked to me about his fears that I'm going to get bored with him and the kids or that I'll miss my single life style or that I'll just decide that FIVE kids is wayyy too much to handle AND date etc.
Well...I like spending time with Mattias and it's very easy and relaxed and things seem to be going in a direction that I like. This is NOT a race...let's just see what happens...no rushing into things....just seeing.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Instant Potatoes...Instant Gratification...Instant Mum???
Ok...so I've not been as forthcoming with a lot of Mattia's details for a few reasons. Mostly I just didn't want everyone to suddenly scream RED FLAG! five times.
I'm sure you are wondering why you'd say it 5 times. Perhaps I think you'd say it once for every child he has. Yes...that's right...Mattias has 5 children. He got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both teenagers. He married her to 'do the right thing' and so his oldest boy is now 14. 2 years into the marriage they split up and then divorced. He then met another woman and was together with her for 7 years and had 2 children, then split with her...but in one drunken night they got back together in the bedroom and....WHAM...along came twins. He ended up staying with her for 11 years in total. He never married the mother of his 4 other children and has been split from her for a few years so I feel OK about dating him.
So in order they are : Darrin 14yrs old, Luke 10, Marry 8, Jack and Emma turning 6 on Tues.
I got to meet Luke, Marry and Emma today and they are, in a word, ADORABLE. They seemed to like me too so that was alright. I was COMPLETELY nervous and when Emma grabbed my hand to walk with me and she discovered; much to my embarassment, that my hand was all sweaty! teehee. Ah well.
We had a very nice night and it was all very cool. Mattias and I were completely hands off so there was no wierd moments etc and I was introduced to his kids as 'a good friend'. I will spend the day with them tomorrow and will be meeting Darrin as well.
I don't know what to make of it really. I was very nervous but it worked out all right. When Emma held my hand I just melted. Marry was awesome as well and I really did try to make sure that I gave all of them my attention equally. That was surprisingly challenging as they were all asking me different questions at the same time.
Am I ready to be a sort of instant Mum? I know I'm not their Mum and I don't want to BE their Mum, but it may take me a while to get used to the whole package deal here. It's not just the whole meal deal...it's Super Sized with FIVE children!
I'm going to keep an open mind and just see how things go. I get stupid giddy just even talking to Mattias so I would kinda like to keep him around.
I'll keep ya posted!
I'm sure you are wondering why you'd say it 5 times. Perhaps I think you'd say it once for every child he has. Yes...that's right...Mattias has 5 children. He got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both teenagers. He married her to 'do the right thing' and so his oldest boy is now 14. 2 years into the marriage they split up and then divorced. He then met another woman and was together with her for 7 years and had 2 children, then split with her...but in one drunken night they got back together in the bedroom and....WHAM...along came twins. He ended up staying with her for 11 years in total. He never married the mother of his 4 other children and has been split from her for a few years so I feel OK about dating him.
So in order they are : Darrin 14yrs old, Luke 10, Marry 8, Jack and Emma turning 6 on Tues.
I got to meet Luke, Marry and Emma today and they are, in a word, ADORABLE. They seemed to like me too so that was alright. I was COMPLETELY nervous and when Emma grabbed my hand to walk with me and she discovered; much to my embarassment, that my hand was all sweaty! teehee. Ah well.
We had a very nice night and it was all very cool. Mattias and I were completely hands off so there was no wierd moments etc and I was introduced to his kids as 'a good friend'. I will spend the day with them tomorrow and will be meeting Darrin as well.
I don't know what to make of it really. I was very nervous but it worked out all right. When Emma held my hand I just melted. Marry was awesome as well and I really did try to make sure that I gave all of them my attention equally. That was surprisingly challenging as they were all asking me different questions at the same time.
Am I ready to be a sort of instant Mum? I know I'm not their Mum and I don't want to BE their Mum, but it may take me a while to get used to the whole package deal here. It's not just the whole meal deal...it's Super Sized with FIVE children!
I'm going to keep an open mind and just see how things go. I get stupid giddy just even talking to Mattias so I would kinda like to keep him around.
I'll keep ya posted!
Zen and other states of bliss
So I've decided to just wing it. Yup...that's right...no plan, no thinking (well...not OVER thinking anyway) and just let it BE! I'm enjoying the time I spend with Mattias and it doesn't hurt that he's a wicked kisser (yumm) and that he makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts!
We've been seeing quite a bit of each other and it's always very relaxed and very fun. Will we be able to hold out until NOV to have sex??? I doubt it. Let's just say that the way the making out sessions have been going...and the fact that I leave for Costa Rica in T Minus 3 days...well...I suspect that we will be swapping a bit more than just spit in the very near future.
Now....this brings me to another tangent.
Sex...specifically orgasms and in detail...mine and the lack thereof.
I've entered another slump in the sack. Maybe I've been damaged since the bent wookie episode. I haven't been able to reach orgasm since! No toys, no fantasies, no memories seem to be doing the trick. Granted I had a period of 2 weeks where I was feeling decidedly UNsexy and then I had my period...but still...wtf???
After last Sat and the serious make out session with Mattias...I went to bed and thought I'd just finish myself off so that I could a) stop being so phreakin' frustrated and b) sleep. Well...I ended up just making myself MORE frustrated by getting soooo sooo sooooo close and not being able to crest over the edge that sleep completely elluded me that night.
Mattias and I have fooled around quite a bit and I'm sure you're not surprised to learn that he's had a number of orgasms and yet despite his valliant, persistant and rather thorough efforts...I have not been able to squish my face up, make completely incoherent noises and feel my muscles spasm in the most delicious way!
*le sigh* I think I need to stop thinking about that too.
We've been seeing quite a bit of each other and it's always very relaxed and very fun. Will we be able to hold out until NOV to have sex??? I doubt it. Let's just say that the way the making out sessions have been going...and the fact that I leave for Costa Rica in T Minus 3 days...well...I suspect that we will be swapping a bit more than just spit in the very near future.
Now....this brings me to another tangent.
Sex...specifically orgasms and in detail...mine and the lack thereof.
I've entered another slump in the sack. Maybe I've been damaged since the bent wookie episode. I haven't been able to reach orgasm since! No toys, no fantasies, no memories seem to be doing the trick. Granted I had a period of 2 weeks where I was feeling decidedly UNsexy and then I had my period...but still...wtf???
After last Sat and the serious make out session with Mattias...I went to bed and thought I'd just finish myself off so that I could a) stop being so phreakin' frustrated and b) sleep. Well...I ended up just making myself MORE frustrated by getting soooo sooo sooooo close and not being able to crest over the edge that sleep completely elluded me that night.
Mattias and I have fooled around quite a bit and I'm sure you're not surprised to learn that he's had a number of orgasms and yet despite his valliant, persistant and rather thorough efforts...I have not been able to squish my face up, make completely incoherent noises and feel my muscles spasm in the most delicious way!
*le sigh* I think I need to stop thinking about that too.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Be careful what you wish for...
So I am recently discovering that when you shake your fist at The Universe it tends to wrap your knuckles pretty hard.
After the weirdness with Max, I said the following outloud to The Universe : "I am taking a break from men, dating and sex for about 6 months."
This seemed like a logical thing to do. I want to take some time to get back to me, get back to the gym, get back to kickin' some butt at work and just take time for myself. I get cranky when I try to spread myself too thin....work, family and friend commitments...sometimes I just need some serious ME time.
Sooo...about 1 week after I said this we had a Softball Tournament and Matias was one of our subs. He's a nice guy, very cute, very funny and all I could think of was "No phreakin' way! I"m taking a break".
Though I was pleasant to Mattias and extended him all the comraderie that I do with the other people on my team, I didn't make any other special efforts to include him in conversation or even flirt with him. I was taking a break.
Most of us on the ball team belong to an online social club. It's like a message board and we often have get togethers and organize things like softball teams, curling teams, sea wall walks etc etc. It's a great bunch of people and I've met some serious Keepers through this site. (No, it's not a dating site).
As we're talking about this Mattias asks about it and I offer to invite him into our little Clique. (teehee). So I do. Mattias comes on board and is nearly a full fledged member of our Softball Team. We have been flirting outrageously for a week.
I am still not sure I want to be dating...but it is fun to flirt and he makes it soooo easy. Calls me Beautiful and Pretty Lady and has even given me gifts of high quality clothes! He calls me...he texts me and it's very easy to call and text him back and just flirt flirt flirt.
And here is the kicker. I LIKE that he calls and texts and is flirty with me. I like that he says he looks forward to talking to me.
Soo...wtf?? Universe!! I thought you WANTED me to take a break. Is this a test? Should I be walking away from this to show you how strong I can be? Or are you telling me to stop being silly and stop cutting myself off from fun and happiness?
I really want to be all Winnie The Pooh about this. When I stop looking for it isn't it supposed to just show up? Has Mattias just shown up?
Shouldn't this be harder? I'm suspicious that it's too easy.
After the weirdness with Max, I said the following outloud to The Universe : "I am taking a break from men, dating and sex for about 6 months."
This seemed like a logical thing to do. I want to take some time to get back to me, get back to the gym, get back to kickin' some butt at work and just take time for myself. I get cranky when I try to spread myself too thin....work, family and friend commitments...sometimes I just need some serious ME time.
Sooo...about 1 week after I said this we had a Softball Tournament and Matias was one of our subs. He's a nice guy, very cute, very funny and all I could think of was "No phreakin' way! I"m taking a break".
Though I was pleasant to Mattias and extended him all the comraderie that I do with the other people on my team, I didn't make any other special efforts to include him in conversation or even flirt with him. I was taking a break.
Most of us on the ball team belong to an online social club. It's like a message board and we often have get togethers and organize things like softball teams, curling teams, sea wall walks etc etc. It's a great bunch of people and I've met some serious Keepers through this site. (No, it's not a dating site).
As we're talking about this Mattias asks about it and I offer to invite him into our little Clique. (teehee). So I do. Mattias comes on board and is nearly a full fledged member of our Softball Team. We have been flirting outrageously for a week.
I am still not sure I want to be dating...but it is fun to flirt and he makes it soooo easy. Calls me Beautiful and Pretty Lady and has even given me gifts of high quality clothes! He calls me...he texts me and it's very easy to call and text him back and just flirt flirt flirt.
And here is the kicker. I LIKE that he calls and texts and is flirty with me. I like that he says he looks forward to talking to me.
Soo...wtf?? Universe!! I thought you WANTED me to take a break. Is this a test? Should I be walking away from this to show you how strong I can be? Or are you telling me to stop being silly and stop cutting myself off from fun and happiness?
I really want to be all Winnie The Pooh about this. When I stop looking for it isn't it supposed to just show up? Has Mattias just shown up?
Shouldn't this be harder? I'm suspicious that it's too easy.
Monday, June 12, 2006
It actually WORKED!
So this past weekend I had a softball tournament. We totally sucked ass at the tourney but we all had a LOT of fun and laughs and of course beer. But the BEST part of the weekend was actually getting over what I had not been able to before.
I did it. ON Thurs I really did wash that guy right out of my hair!!
Max came to ball on Friday and though he ignored me until the 5th inning in the end...I didn't care. I went over at the end of the game to talk to him, we hugged it out and *poof* just like that....I was done!
He played with us all day Sat and then I saw him at Sin City on Sat night WITH Peggy and *poof* just like that...I was OK. Peggy even helped me out with my boots and I didn't have a single urge to kick her in the head! It was like magic! I just let it go and I feel soooo much better for it.
Maybe it's because on Thurs night I made a decision to NOT date anyone for 6 months. I am just not wanting to put myself out there right now and to be honest, I'm really busy with work and ball and lots of summer social things. I have no time to date or get to know someone intimately.
If someone *AMAZING* comes along in the interim...fine. However, I'm not looking and I'm not actively doing anything to meet anyone and I'm totally OK with that.
I think I need to take longer showers more often!
I did it. ON Thurs I really did wash that guy right out of my hair!!
Max came to ball on Friday and though he ignored me until the 5th inning in the end...I didn't care. I went over at the end of the game to talk to him, we hugged it out and *poof* just like that....I was done!
He played with us all day Sat and then I saw him at Sin City on Sat night WITH Peggy and *poof* just like that...I was OK. Peggy even helped me out with my boots and I didn't have a single urge to kick her in the head! It was like magic! I just let it go and I feel soooo much better for it.
Maybe it's because on Thurs night I made a decision to NOT date anyone for 6 months. I am just not wanting to put myself out there right now and to be honest, I'm really busy with work and ball and lots of summer social things. I have no time to date or get to know someone intimately.
If someone *AMAZING* comes along in the interim...fine. However, I'm not looking and I'm not actively doing anything to meet anyone and I'm totally OK with that.
I think I need to take longer showers more often!
Friday, June 09, 2006
All in a lather
Alright. I admit it. I can’t seem to let this one go and even thought I KNOW it’s silly and a complete waste of my time…I just haven’t been able to shake Max out of my system. Maybe I just need to take a long shower. Go all South Pacific on this one and ‘wash that man right out…”. Problem is…I like him. I’ve liked him (all very secret squirrel like) for a while (since January if I want to be totally honest). I think what I am objecting to the most is the bad drunk sex…I won’t get a do-over in a proper way and it bugs me.
Before LadyK moves she is going on a 2 month adventure to Gay Paris! Oooh La La! (start reading this with an Inspector Clusseax accent).
Madame K will goh tu
I must admit to being a bit envious of LadyK and her exciting adventure. However, let me qualify that by saying that 1) this is going to be sooooo good for her and 2) I am happy that she is taking on this exciting journey for herself.
I guess that’s one trait I am very proud of. I actually DO want the best for my friends and loved ones. This isn’t just lip (or finger) service…this is the real meal deal. The reason I mention this is that I believe THIS is the reason why I haven’t been able to let go of Peggy’s comments to me.
2) Max is holding out hope that Peggy will take him back
3) I deserve better than all of it.
Now…where did I put my lovely coconut smelling shampoo???
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Kwerkie Karma
Right...I want to talk about accountability.
I know that a lot of people read my blog and 95% of the people that do I happen to know. Some of them are very good friends of mine, some of them are mere aquaintances and some of them I just know by proxy. There are, of course, some that I do not know. Everyone is welcome to read this.
I'm not ashamed of what I say on here and I don't believe that I spew any venom on this site. I want to be pretty clear that The Single Files has never been about making people feel shitty. I actually have a genuine fondness for most people and will treat everyone with kindness, love and respect as I expect to be treated in return. I will trust you until the day you give me reason not to.
HOWEVER. I know that I need to be accountable for the words that come out of my fingers. I know that sometimes; though it may not be my intention, I do hurt people's feelings. Regardless of intent, it happens.
This site (for me) is not about creating stress, hurt or animosity. This is me working my thougths out. Let's face it...over the last 4 months my writing on here, though more prolific, has not been at it's Mae West. I am using The Single Files to have poor me moments a lot lately and to write down some of the things that are bugging me in recent weeks.
If someone whom I know and love were to read this and find something perhaps a bit unfavourable written about them, then the way I see it is they have 2 choices.
1) Talk to me about it privately or in a comment here (fair is fair afterall)
2) Ignore it and understand that whereas I may have written something about them on a certain date at a certain time that it could just be me writting out my thoughts and I may have just sorted out my feelings and no longer hold the negative opinion etc.
Blogs are funny things. They are private thoughts shared publically. Would I be saying these things directly to the people involved?? Sometimes. But as with most things in life, it depends on situations, timing and whether or not I want a resolution.
If you think that I get fairly personal on here...you should read my journal! (well...no one should really...it's my one place to go completely nutzo without any concequences).
So I try to keep things light and airy on here as much as possible while delving into my deeper thoughts/fears/anger on ocasion. This is so that I can continue to keep some of my Kwerkie Karma points.
Read. Comment. But above all : Enjoy.
I know that a lot of people read my blog and 95% of the people that do I happen to know. Some of them are very good friends of mine, some of them are mere aquaintances and some of them I just know by proxy. There are, of course, some that I do not know. Everyone is welcome to read this.
I'm not ashamed of what I say on here and I don't believe that I spew any venom on this site. I want to be pretty clear that The Single Files has never been about making people feel shitty. I actually have a genuine fondness for most people and will treat everyone with kindness, love and respect as I expect to be treated in return. I will trust you until the day you give me reason not to.
HOWEVER. I know that I need to be accountable for the words that come out of my fingers. I know that sometimes; though it may not be my intention, I do hurt people's feelings. Regardless of intent, it happens.
This site (for me) is not about creating stress, hurt or animosity. This is me working my thougths out. Let's face it...over the last 4 months my writing on here, though more prolific, has not been at it's Mae West. I am using The Single Files to have poor me moments a lot lately and to write down some of the things that are bugging me in recent weeks.
If someone whom I know and love were to read this and find something perhaps a bit unfavourable written about them, then the way I see it is they have 2 choices.
1) Talk to me about it privately or in a comment here (fair is fair afterall)
2) Ignore it and understand that whereas I may have written something about them on a certain date at a certain time that it could just be me writting out my thoughts and I may have just sorted out my feelings and no longer hold the negative opinion etc.
Blogs are funny things. They are private thoughts shared publically. Would I be saying these things directly to the people involved?? Sometimes. But as with most things in life, it depends on situations, timing and whether or not I want a resolution.
If you think that I get fairly personal on here...you should read my journal! (well...no one should really...it's my one place to go completely nutzo without any concequences).
So I try to keep things light and airy on here as much as possible while delving into my deeper thoughts/fears/anger on ocasion. This is so that I can continue to keep some of my Kwerkie Karma points.
Read. Comment. But above all : Enjoy.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
A funny thing happened on the way to the theatre.
Today I took my Mum out to see "Cabaret" (Currently playing at The Stanley Theatre until mid June). It was a FANTASTIC show! I was impressed with the set, the choreography and the singing!! I couldn't stop tapping my foot along and staring at the costumes wishing I had fluffy panties too.
However, before I get too into my love of burlesque...let me tell you about what happened 5 minutes before I entered the Theatre.
I was walking down the street with my Mum, her arm in mine as I helped her lumber along. I felt pretty...my hair and make up done nicely and I was wearing a lovely spring skirt and somewhat low top that made me feel tres springy...a contrast to the grey day it was outside. So I am confident and feeling good and I happen to catch the eye of a fella walking down the street. We make eye contact, both smile and I wish I could have blushed because he was quite handsome and it would have been cute to be coy.
He's tall, has broad shoulders, chocolate hair, eyes and skin. He had a fabulous smile. He walks by and we both the do turn-around. Nice. I even wink and he waves...we're disgustingly cute and flirty.
And then I walk Mum into the theatre and just smile...feeling good about the flirtyness and happy to leave it as is. I get Mum and some coffees and we flip through the program and talk to fellow patrons. I do love the theatre and hob-nobbing with like minded peeps.
Then something unexpected happens. Mr. Chocolate came into the theatre! Wow...what luck! We smile, he winks, I wave. A part of me wanted to cringe at how juvenile is all seemed. A short pixie like blonde woman comes over, links her arms in his and he leans over and gives her an all encompassing hug all the while making eye contact with me. And then I notice it...his wedding band. Wow...what luck!
So after the show I had some time to reflect on the weeks gone by and I realized that I attract and are equally attracted to, men who are not available for one reason or another. Max is still in love with Peggy, Marco was not ready and Mr. Chocolate was married.
Now I'm not fooling myself into thinking that there was anything that was ever really between any of the aforementioned men, but it DOES make me think (and as we all know, thinking is so important) and here is what I've come up with. STOP THE MADNESS!
That's right...dating is now off the menu. What I am offering instead is a smorgasborg of the following: Softball, Gym, Yoga, Reading and Rollarblading. Most of these involve my friends so I feel very good about still being social and not being all 'cavey'.
Life is a Cabaret Old Chum...Come to the Cabaret!
However, before I get too into my love of burlesque...let me tell you about what happened 5 minutes before I entered the Theatre.
I was walking down the street with my Mum, her arm in mine as I helped her lumber along. I felt pretty...my hair and make up done nicely and I was wearing a lovely spring skirt and somewhat low top that made me feel tres springy...a contrast to the grey day it was outside. So I am confident and feeling good and I happen to catch the eye of a fella walking down the street. We make eye contact, both smile and I wish I could have blushed because he was quite handsome and it would have been cute to be coy.
He's tall, has broad shoulders, chocolate hair, eyes and skin. He had a fabulous smile. He walks by and we both the do turn-around. Nice. I even wink and he waves...we're disgustingly cute and flirty.
And then I walk Mum into the theatre and just smile...feeling good about the flirtyness and happy to leave it as is. I get Mum and some coffees and we flip through the program and talk to fellow patrons. I do love the theatre and hob-nobbing with like minded peeps.
Then something unexpected happens. Mr. Chocolate came into the theatre! Wow...what luck! We smile, he winks, I wave. A part of me wanted to cringe at how juvenile is all seemed. A short pixie like blonde woman comes over, links her arms in his and he leans over and gives her an all encompassing hug all the while making eye contact with me. And then I notice it...his wedding band. Wow...what luck!
So after the show I had some time to reflect on the weeks gone by and I realized that I attract and are equally attracted to, men who are not available for one reason or another. Max is still in love with Peggy, Marco was not ready and Mr. Chocolate was married.
Now I'm not fooling myself into thinking that there was anything that was ever really between any of the aforementioned men, but it DOES make me think (and as we all know, thinking is so important) and here is what I've come up with. STOP THE MADNESS!
That's right...dating is now off the menu. What I am offering instead is a smorgasborg of the following: Softball, Gym, Yoga, Reading and Rollarblading. Most of these involve my friends so I feel very good about still being social and not being all 'cavey'.
Life is a Cabaret Old Chum...Come to the Cabaret!
Friday, June 02, 2006
Eminem's best song...
I haven't really been able to have a Do-Over with Max (as I've decided to call him), nor am I likely to get another chance. Apparently Eminem is right...you DO "only get one chance do not miss your shot"
I did get a semi-do-over...kinda like re-writing a pop quiz that won't actually count towards your grade. It was not the smartest thing I've ever done...makin' on Max in his house while he was HOSTING a birthday party for his ex-girlfriend whom I think he's still very much in love with.
Yeah...how many shots did I drink? Enough to think a) it would be a good idea to flirty madly with him and kiss him and b)that he was actually totally into me and not just going through the motions.
Hmmm...can we guess how this turned out?
At some point in the evening I decided I needed to sober up. This turned out to be the STUPIDEST thing to do in a night of constant disasters! It would have been better if it all happened in a drunken haze...I might have even forgotten about it all.
The Ex-Girlfriend (let's call her Peggy) has a 4yr old son who is at the party and watching all the drinking and debauchery go on. (Do NOT get me started on this) So Brady (the 4yr old) is relegated to Max's room and Peggy goes into his room and lays down. (At first I didn't think anything of this...but now I realize that she was waiting for him to join her....who doesn't want birthday sex? even from someone that you broke up with?)
So Max blows up an air mattress and we share it in the living room. We're making out and he was very cute and bit my nose. Tres cute. We're fooling around and things are nice.
I'm about to cum...like seriously very close to cuming and then...then....Peggy opens up the bedroom door and let's her rat-dog out. So Max stops and I'm left at the very edge and then it's like the air was let out of my balloon. FRUSTRATION! I would like to point out that Max got to have a lot of fun...twice.
My do-over is done!
The next day Max acted very cool towards me and when I called him on it he apologized and explained that he just didn't want to hurt Peggy's feelings...it being her Bday and all.
Soooooo
The week progress and basically....here is the situation. I believe that Max is still in love with Peggy. Peggy is upset with me because I didn't ask PERMISSION (wtf???) to date Max and at the end of the day I have decided that I deserve much better and am moving on.
On-The-Rebound: I can't decipher your cryptic comment, however, I do hope that your day improved and that your original task was completed.
I did get a semi-do-over...kinda like re-writing a pop quiz that won't actually count towards your grade. It was not the smartest thing I've ever done...makin' on Max in his house while he was HOSTING a birthday party for his ex-girlfriend whom I think he's still very much in love with.
Yeah...how many shots did I drink? Enough to think a) it would be a good idea to flirty madly with him and kiss him and b)that he was actually totally into me and not just going through the motions.
Hmmm...can we guess how this turned out?
At some point in the evening I decided I needed to sober up. This turned out to be the STUPIDEST thing to do in a night of constant disasters! It would have been better if it all happened in a drunken haze...I might have even forgotten about it all.
The Ex-Girlfriend (let's call her Peggy) has a 4yr old son who is at the party and watching all the drinking and debauchery go on. (Do NOT get me started on this) So Brady (the 4yr old) is relegated to Max's room and Peggy goes into his room and lays down. (At first I didn't think anything of this...but now I realize that she was waiting for him to join her....who doesn't want birthday sex? even from someone that you broke up with?)
So Max blows up an air mattress and we share it in the living room. We're making out and he was very cute and bit my nose. Tres cute. We're fooling around and things are nice.
I'm about to cum...like seriously very close to cuming and then...then....Peggy opens up the bedroom door and let's her rat-dog out. So Max stops and I'm left at the very edge and then it's like the air was let out of my balloon. FRUSTRATION! I would like to point out that Max got to have a lot of fun...twice.
My do-over is done!
The next day Max acted very cool towards me and when I called him on it he apologized and explained that he just didn't want to hurt Peggy's feelings...it being her Bday and all.
Soooooo
The week progress and basically....here is the situation. I believe that Max is still in love with Peggy. Peggy is upset with me because I didn't ask PERMISSION (wtf???) to date Max and at the end of the day I have decided that I deserve much better and am moving on.
On-The-Rebound: I can't decipher your cryptic comment, however, I do hope that your day improved and that your original task was completed.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Round and Round and Round it goes...
I am OBSESSING about the bad sex on the weekend. Seriously. I need a Do-Over!
I didn't get into any detail in my previous post so let me share with you just how TERRIBLE it was.
1) I nearly swallowed his nose while we were making out. Y'know...I did the kisses from the collar bone up to his ear...then he turns his head and I turn my head with the full intention of connecting with his lips...only to nearly swallow his nose!
2) We're making out for a while and then it gets pretty passionate and we're ripping each other's clothes off...and I somehow manage to get my arm caught in my tank top and in the attempt to escape I hit him in the face and manage to choke myself at the same time.
3) We're finally Doing It and get into the rhythm of things...it's good...things are going well...until I start to ...y'know,....feel really good...REALLY good...I'm thinking...wow...I'm going to cum here...and then I think...I'll just go faster!!! And then....YOOOOOWWWWWW! He slips out but the motion is still going and then....yeah...ummm....I was done. I bent the wookie!
Funny thing is...I was in more pain than he was!
I can't get over it!!! I keep thinking about how fumbly it was and I keep thinking...wow...how did I get BAD at this?
I need a Do Over.
Seriously.
Even if nothing happens...I can't have him thinking that Saturday night's performance is the best I have!
*sigh*
Do Over.
I didn't get into any detail in my previous post so let me share with you just how TERRIBLE it was.
1) I nearly swallowed his nose while we were making out. Y'know...I did the kisses from the collar bone up to his ear...then he turns his head and I turn my head with the full intention of connecting with his lips...only to nearly swallow his nose!
2) We're making out for a while and then it gets pretty passionate and we're ripping each other's clothes off...and I somehow manage to get my arm caught in my tank top and in the attempt to escape I hit him in the face and manage to choke myself at the same time.
3) We're finally Doing It and get into the rhythm of things...it's good...things are going well...until I start to ...y'know,....feel really good...REALLY good...I'm thinking...wow...I'm going to cum here...and then I think...I'll just go faster!!! And then....YOOOOOWWWWWW! He slips out but the motion is still going and then....yeah...ummm....I was done. I bent the wookie!
Funny thing is...I was in more pain than he was!
I can't get over it!!! I keep thinking about how fumbly it was and I keep thinking...wow...how did I get BAD at this?
I need a Do Over.
Seriously.
Even if nothing happens...I can't have him thinking that Saturday night's performance is the best I have!
*sigh*
Do Over.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Weekend of work and play
So this past weekend was the 7th Annual
Woohooo!!!
Sadly though...Simone has quit and that means a few things. 1) I'm going to miss her and having lunch with her every day. 2) I'm going to be INSANE at work and will have to make sure that I don't take on too much. 3) The atmosphere in the office is going to suck for a while.
The good news is that...yeah...I got my own room!
I had a great time up there though...I invited a friend up to share my room and so he came up a bit late on FRI (8 30pm) and left pretty early on SUN. It wasn't my intention to 'consummate' our friendship...but it kinda just happened anyway. The best part was the cuddling. He's a super fabulous cuddler. The sex...well...I was awful! I was just off my game! He wasn't so bad...but yeah...it was awkward- especially the 2nd time!
So now there is this weirdness between us which is awful! I think we both just got a bit drunk and it was nice to cuddle and be held and it was so comfy between us that well...yeah... Anyway...I’m sure that it will sort itself out soon. I don't regret what happened...I just don't want to repeat it any time soon.
He's younger than me and recently single (no, not divorced or separated) and I know that he was in love with his ex and hasn't been very long since they split. So I just think that I need to give him some time and maybe down the road it will turn into something more...but maybe it was just nice to hold someone who cares about me and to be held in return and just BE.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Done like burnt dinner
So Tues night I finally get a hold of Marco. We had an awkward convo and then I just jumped in with what I really thinking. I asked him to be 100% honest with me at all times and that if he wasn't into me that he just needed to tell me and I'd be OK with that.
Sooooo. Yeah. He said that he wasn't watning a serious relationship. I thought it was a bit odd...we had only been seeing each other for just over 2 weeks so what kind of 'serious' did he think we had?
Anyway...the crux of the whole thing is this. I accepted what he said and also made it clear that I wasn't' going to do the friends with benefits thing with him. I just wanted my movies back. He thought it was odd that I didn't want to talk more about it. What was there to say? I KNOW I'm a great person, funny, sexy, beautiful...his decision to stop seeing me wasn't a slight on me at all. I wasn't taking it badly at all...sure I was a bit disappointed...but I wasn't going to fall apart. It had ONLY been 2 weeks for heaven's sake.
SO then he calls me the next day....a few times. Said he wanted to see me, we can be friends, maybe he'd regret letting me go...but not to wait for him. I assured him that under no circumstances would I be waiting for him. He made his choice, what else was there?
So we agreed to go to the movies. I really wanted to see "The Rocket" and I knew that he'd bring my DVD's back and I also thought it would be a nice evening to see the movie with him as we are both huge Habs/Richard fans.
Anyway...the evening ended BADLY. He pitched a fit and got into his car and screeeeeeched away recklessly. He nearly hit the parked truck in front of him he was in such a hurry to get away from me. I called him quite a few times that night just trying to get some answers from him but he was too childish to pick up the phone.
What an ass.
Next day he had the balls to say that as I called him too many times that he now thinks I'm a stalker. LOL. I laughed out loud when I saw that. I thought Marco was fairly handsome...but he's not really stalker worthy.
Here's what I think happened. Yes he ended things with me on Tues, but I didn't resist him...I didn't try to change his mind. I just said "OK - sorry you feel that way". Then he realized that it didn't bother me that much...so he maybe changed his mind. Then on Thurs I looked good for our movie outing and was pleasant and funny and all the things I normally am. He even touched my leg to see if I had shaved (Of course I had) and he was flirty and I flirted back....but in my mind he was DONE.
Then we had our drinks...a small tiff about the bill ( he thought I was trying to stiff him with it...I just wanted change for my $20.00) And then he was hurt that a) I wanted my movies back and b) that I wasn't going home with him or having him drive me home. So he was rejected...by a girl he rejected and then changed his mind on.
Oh well...too bad. If I had taken him back it would have been Nelson ALLLLLL over again. No way.
I deserve WAYYY better than the crap Marco was pulling.
Soooo...like the French Canadian Singer 'Mitsou" sang....'Bye bye mon cowboy'
teehee
NEXT!
Oh....and a clarification from the last post...Marco quit baseball based on an alleged "shouldER inury"
Thank you anonymous for pointing out the error.
Sooooo. Yeah. He said that he wasn't watning a serious relationship. I thought it was a bit odd...we had only been seeing each other for just over 2 weeks so what kind of 'serious' did he think we had?
Anyway...the crux of the whole thing is this. I accepted what he said and also made it clear that I wasn't' going to do the friends with benefits thing with him. I just wanted my movies back. He thought it was odd that I didn't want to talk more about it. What was there to say? I KNOW I'm a great person, funny, sexy, beautiful...his decision to stop seeing me wasn't a slight on me at all. I wasn't taking it badly at all...sure I was a bit disappointed...but I wasn't going to fall apart. It had ONLY been 2 weeks for heaven's sake.
SO then he calls me the next day....a few times. Said he wanted to see me, we can be friends, maybe he'd regret letting me go...but not to wait for him. I assured him that under no circumstances would I be waiting for him. He made his choice, what else was there?
So we agreed to go to the movies. I really wanted to see "The Rocket" and I knew that he'd bring my DVD's back and I also thought it would be a nice evening to see the movie with him as we are both huge Habs/Richard fans.
Anyway...the evening ended BADLY. He pitched a fit and got into his car and screeeeeeched away recklessly. He nearly hit the parked truck in front of him he was in such a hurry to get away from me. I called him quite a few times that night just trying to get some answers from him but he was too childish to pick up the phone.
What an ass.
Next day he had the balls to say that as I called him too many times that he now thinks I'm a stalker. LOL. I laughed out loud when I saw that. I thought Marco was fairly handsome...but he's not really stalker worthy.
Here's what I think happened. Yes he ended things with me on Tues, but I didn't resist him...I didn't try to change his mind. I just said "OK - sorry you feel that way". Then he realized that it didn't bother me that much...so he maybe changed his mind. Then on Thurs I looked good for our movie outing and was pleasant and funny and all the things I normally am. He even touched my leg to see if I had shaved (Of course I had) and he was flirty and I flirted back....but in my mind he was DONE.
Then we had our drinks...a small tiff about the bill ( he thought I was trying to stiff him with it...I just wanted change for my $20.00) And then he was hurt that a) I wanted my movies back and b) that I wasn't going home with him or having him drive me home. So he was rejected...by a girl he rejected and then changed his mind on.
Oh well...too bad. If I had taken him back it would have been Nelson ALLLLLL over again. No way.
I deserve WAYYY better than the crap Marco was pulling.
Soooo...like the French Canadian Singer 'Mitsou" sang....'Bye bye mon cowboy'
teehee
NEXT!
Oh....and a clarification from the last post...Marco quit baseball based on an alleged "shouldER inury"
Thank you anonymous for pointing out the error.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Smells like...like...burning!
Ok...so now that I like Marco...my nurosis begin.
We spent pretty much every available moment together for an entire week and had a lot of fabulous sex and a lot of fabulous laughs and just a whole lot of fabulous in general. Then I went up to Sun Peaks for work and we spent exactly one week apart with only 2 relatively short phone calls in between to keep any contact.
I came home from Sun Peaks yesterday and he picked me up from the airport. We had a lof of fabulous sex and some fabulous laughs and some VERY FABULOUS food and then yet some more fabulous sex. He spent the night and I hardly slept...he hardly slept.
Looks like he'll be quitting my softball team due to a 'should injury' and I just got the weird vibe from him this morning. I have called this evening and left a message but so far no reply.
I'm trying not to read too much into this. I am trying desperately to stop comapring him to Nelson...which I am finding very hard to do. The reason for this comparison is that Marco just went to trial on WED to finalize his divorce. Oh yes...he's been separated for over 2 years now so I felt it was OK to date him....but I guess I'm just thinking the following:
Am I setting myself up for a burn?
Maybe I should really only date guys that have never been married or at the very least are ACTUALLY divorced...like...2 or 3 years divorced.
I'm tired too...so my emotion-reader hasn't been properly calibrated.
And...what do I want from this anyway?
Montreal won tonight's hockey game and they almost gave it all away in the 2nd period. The game went to DOUBLE over time and it was a fabulous winning goal so I am actually feeling tired but happy in a non-specific way.
Just wish Marco would stop asking me what I am thinking all the time and start telling me what he is thinking.
We spent pretty much every available moment together for an entire week and had a lot of fabulous sex and a lot of fabulous laughs and just a whole lot of fabulous in general. Then I went up to Sun Peaks for work and we spent exactly one week apart with only 2 relatively short phone calls in between to keep any contact.
I came home from Sun Peaks yesterday and he picked me up from the airport. We had a lof of fabulous sex and some fabulous laughs and some VERY FABULOUS food and then yet some more fabulous sex. He spent the night and I hardly slept...he hardly slept.
Looks like he'll be quitting my softball team due to a 'should injury' and I just got the weird vibe from him this morning. I have called this evening and left a message but so far no reply.
I'm trying not to read too much into this. I am trying desperately to stop comapring him to Nelson...which I am finding very hard to do. The reason for this comparison is that Marco just went to trial on WED to finalize his divorce. Oh yes...he's been separated for over 2 years now so I felt it was OK to date him....but I guess I'm just thinking the following:
Am I setting myself up for a burn?
Maybe I should really only date guys that have never been married or at the very least are ACTUALLY divorced...like...2 or 3 years divorced.
I'm tired too...so my emotion-reader hasn't been properly calibrated.
And...what do I want from this anyway?
Montreal won tonight's hockey game and they almost gave it all away in the 2nd period. The game went to DOUBLE over time and it was a fabulous winning goal so I am actually feeling tired but happy in a non-specific way.
Just wish Marco would stop asking me what I am thinking all the time and start telling me what he is thinking.
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