Round and Round and Round it goes...

I am OBSESSING about the bad sex on the weekend. Seriously. I need a Do-Over!

I didn't get into any detail in my previous post so let me share with you just how TERRIBLE it was.

1) I nearly swallowed his nose while we were making out. Y'know...I did the kisses from the collar bone up to his ear...then he turns his head and I turn my head with the full intention of connecting with his lips...only to nearly swallow his nose!

2) We're making out for a while and then it gets pretty passionate and we're ripping each other's clothes off...and I somehow manage to get my arm caught in my tank top and in the attempt to escape I hit him in the face and manage to choke myself at the same time.

3) We're finally Doing It and get into the rhythm of things...it's good...things are going well...until I start to ...y'know,....feel really good...REALLY good...I'm thinking...wow...I'm going to cum here...and then I think...I'll just go faster!!! And then....YOOOOOWWWWWW! He slips out but the motion is still going and then....yeah...ummm....I was done. I bent the wookie!

Funny thing is...I was in more pain than he was!

I can't get over it!!! I keep thinking about how fumbly it was and I keep thinking...wow...how did I get BAD at this?

I need a Do Over.

Seriously.

Even if nothing happens...I can't have him thinking that Saturday night's performance is the best I have!

*sigh*

Do Over.

Weekend of work and play

So this past weekend was the 7th Annual Whistler Music Festival and I was up there with work helping to make sure that everything goes smoothly etc. For the first time ever I had my OWN room up there!!!

Woohooo!!!

Sadly though...Simone has quit and that means a few things. 1) I'm going to miss her and having lunch with her every day. 2) I'm going to be INSANE at work and will have to make sure that I don't take on too much. 3) The atmosphere in the office is going to suck for a while.

The good news is that...yeah...I got my own room!

I had a great time up there though...I invited a friend up to share my room and so he came up a bit late on FRI (8 30pm) and left pretty early on SUN. It wasn't my intention to 'consummate' our friendship...but it kinda just happened anyway. The best part was the cuddling. He's a super fabulous cuddler. The sex...well...I was awful! I was just off my game! He wasn't so bad...but yeah...it was awkward- especially the 2nd time!

So now there is this weirdness between us which is awful! I think we both just got a bit drunk and it was nice to cuddle and be held and it was so comfy between us that well...yeah... Anyway...I’m sure that it will sort itself out soon. I don't regret what happened...I just don't want to repeat it any time soon.

He's younger than me and recently single (no, not divorced or separated) and I know that he was in love with his ex and hasn't been very long since they split. So I just think that I need to give him some time and maybe down the road it will turn into something more...but maybe it was just nice to hold someone who cares about me and to be held in return and just BE.

Done like burnt dinner

So Tues night I finally get a hold of Marco. We had an awkward convo and then I just jumped in with what I really thinking. I asked him to be 100% honest with me at all times and that if he wasn't into me that he just needed to tell me and I'd be OK with that.

Sooooo. Yeah. He said that he wasn't watning a serious relationship. I thought it was a bit odd...we had only been seeing each other for just over 2 weeks so what kind of 'serious' did he think we had?

Anyway...the crux of the whole thing is this. I accepted what he said and also made it clear that I wasn't' going to do the friends with benefits thing with him. I just wanted my movies back. He thought it was odd that I didn't want to talk more about it. What was there to say? I KNOW I'm a great person, funny, sexy, beautiful...his decision to stop seeing me wasn't a slight on me at all. I wasn't taking it badly at all...sure I was a bit disappointed...but I wasn't going to fall apart. It had ONLY been 2 weeks for heaven's sake.

SO then he calls me the next day....a few times. Said he wanted to see me, we can be friends, maybe he'd regret letting me go...but not to wait for him. I assured him that under no circumstances would I be waiting for him. He made his choice, what else was there?

So we agreed to go to the movies. I really wanted to see "The Rocket" and I knew that he'd bring my DVD's back and I also thought it would be a nice evening to see the movie with him as we are both huge Habs/Richard fans.

Anyway...the evening ended BADLY. He pitched a fit and got into his car and screeeeeeched away recklessly. He nearly hit the parked truck in front of him he was in such a hurry to get away from me. I called him quite a few times that night just trying to get some answers from him but he was too childish to pick up the phone.

What an ass.

Next day he had the balls to say that as I called him too many times that he now thinks I'm a stalker. LOL. I laughed out loud when I saw that. I thought Marco was fairly handsome...but he's not really stalker worthy.

Here's what I think happened. Yes he ended things with me on Tues, but I didn't resist him...I didn't try to change his mind. I just said "OK - sorry you feel that way". Then he realized that it didn't bother me that much...so he maybe changed his mind. Then on Thurs I looked good for our movie outing and was pleasant and funny and all the things I normally am. He even touched my leg to see if I had shaved (Of course I had) and he was flirty and I flirted back....but in my mind he was DONE.

Then we had our drinks...a small tiff about the bill ( he thought I was trying to stiff him with it...I just wanted change for my $20.00) And then he was hurt that a) I wanted my movies back and b) that I wasn't going home with him or having him drive me home. So he was rejected...by a girl he rejected and then changed his mind on.

Oh well...too bad. If I had taken him back it would have been Nelson ALLLLLL over again. No way.

I deserve WAYYY better than the crap Marco was pulling.

Soooo...like the French Canadian Singer 'Mitsou" sang....'Bye bye mon cowboy'

teehee

NEXT!



Oh....and a clarification from the last post...Marco quit baseball based on an alleged "shouldER inury"

Thank you anonymous for pointing out the error.

Smells like...like...burning!

Ok...so now that I like Marco...my nurosis begin.

We spent pretty much every available moment together for an entire week and had a lot of fabulous sex and a lot of fabulous laughs and just a whole lot of fabulous in general. Then I went up to Sun Peaks for work and we spent exactly one week apart with only 2 relatively short phone calls in between to keep any contact.

I came home from Sun Peaks yesterday and he picked me up from the airport. We had a lof of fabulous sex and some fabulous laughs and some VERY FABULOUS food and then yet some more fabulous sex. He spent the night and I hardly slept...he hardly slept.

Looks like he'll be quitting my softball team due to a 'should injury' and I just got the weird vibe from him this morning. I have called this evening and left a message but so far no reply.

I'm trying not to read too much into this. I am trying desperately to stop comapring him to Nelson...which I am finding very hard to do. The reason for this comparison is that Marco just went to trial on WED to finalize his divorce. Oh yes...he's been separated for over 2 years now so I felt it was OK to date him....but I guess I'm just thinking the following:

Am I setting myself up for a burn?

Maybe I should really only date guys that have never been married or at the very least are ACTUALLY divorced...like...2 or 3 years divorced.

I'm tired too...so my emotion-reader hasn't been properly calibrated.

And...what do I want from this anyway?

Montreal won tonight's hockey game and they almost gave it all away in the 2nd period. The game went to DOUBLE over time and it was a fabulous winning goal so I am actually feeling tired but happy in a non-specific way.

Just wish Marco would stop asking me what I am thinking all the time and start telling me what he is thinking.

Sacre Blue!!!

So it's been a week and Marco and I have been spending a lot of time together. Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, ALLLLLLL Day FRI and then this morning. Funny...I'm not sick of him. It was nice to do my own thing today though, but when he called late in the afternoon...well....my huge smile once more appeared on my face. I am looking forward to him coming over after the Canuck's game tonight.

(Let's not talk about how badly the Canuck's have performed in the last month - they are my 2nds anyway, Go HABS GO!!!)

I know I need to clean up...but I'm tired so here's hoping Marco will forgive the clutter.

Part of me wants to ask him for Easter Dinner tomorrow...the other part of me knows better than to ask after only a week & 1/2 of seeing someone. So the part that wants to ask will just have to be gagged.

And really...I DO like Marco, so it's probably better that he NOT meet my family until I have a chance to give him some schooling on how to handle them. We'll see if we make it past 3 months before I expose him to any of the crazyness. Besides, I need some time to come up with some Lesson Plans on what to do teehee. The nice thing is that I know he'll love my nephews and be very interactive with them...but on the other hand he is pretty straight forward so I'm not sure how he'd handle my Mum.

Anyhoooo. Je like him. We'll see how things go.

All hands above deck....mostly

So Marco came over for our date last night and I have to say...I should probably take a step back.

I like him too much already. I keep trying to have the 'we'll see' attitude...but I'm secretly crossing my fingers over here. However, before you get all wiggy...it's not like I'm saying "oh let him be the one". I'm saying "oh let him not turn weird/meek/clingy/dominating/ and crazy in general".

Right now it's all sunshine and lollipops. We don't know much about each other though I have to say that the bits I am getting to know I like...so far. I am excited to hear from him when he calls, I look forward to tomorrow when I will see him at Baseball (he's joined my team...happy venture or danger land?? what do you think??).

I'm pretty surprised actually. I haven't been wanting a relationship for a while. A forced relationship with Bently bugged me, even more so with Sonny. I couldn't understand why these guys were so quick to be in Relationshipville with me. I wasn't prepared to move out of Singletown that fast.

With Marc I actually caught myself fantasing about introducing him to my friends. *gasp* Oh oh...that must mean I like him. So I thought about our date last night and then was thinking...'yeah...kinda like this one".

He called to re-confirm and we had a pleasant easy conversation. I admited that I needed a bit more time to clean my place and he promised to arrivel 'fashionably late...but not too late". True to his word he came 10 mins after our designated meeting time of 6:30PM....with flowers. Lovely purple tulips that hadn't opened yet.

He brought a bottle of wine, his sly smile and his neat sense of humour. He wore blue jeans and a light blue button down shirt - I totally approved of his smart casual style. I admit to wearing my cute new brown harem pants and my neat-oh mozaic shirt. My make up was light and my hair was down...I felt pretty and confident. It didn't' hurt that I was making dinner and was making one of my favourite dishes...tomato chicken yummyness.

We chatted easily as I finished preparing dinner. Marco came in the kitchen randomly to put his hand around my waist or kiss my shoulder and I felt even PRETTIER and more confident...I nearly felt down right Mrs. Cleaveresque. He opened the wine and winked at me as we clinked our glasses. I smiled slowly and winked back.

Dinner was fairly light fare...chicken in a tomato herbal reduction, steamed broccoli and an herb salad. Our conversation wasn't quite as light...we talked about a wide range of topics from our past relationships to future carreer aspirations. It was nice to get past the small talk and have meatier discussions.

After dinner we walked up to BlockBusters to rent "Walk the Line". I don't know what happened in the movie past the 20 minute mark. That's when Marco and I started to make out. It was lovely. All hands were (mostly) above deck. I had a hard time controlling myself but he was pretty respectful of my 'no sex' rule and didn't push anything...it was me pushing the boundaries I had already set up.

I was particularly happy when in the middle of our date he was asking for another date. A HOCKEY date. I was soooo excited! Hoorah!!

He turned into a pumpkin at around 12:15AM and even called me to let me know that he got home alright. I was just a wee bit worried with the time being so late and him being tired and having to drive.

*sigh* As sappy as this sounds (oh, and trust me, I am TOTALLY aware that I am being MEGA sappy right now), it was nice to have his voice be the last sound I heard before going to sleep.

Pucker up baby

Can you remember the last time you had an absolutely toe curling kiss? The sort of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, tinglies in your nether regions and tight in the chest?

I can.

Mostly cuz it happened just recentlyt in the front seat of Marco's car.

Let me describe the setting for you so you can get the FULL effect.

After drinks we went for a 'spin'. (Marco's word). We drove in his Family Guy car (complete with child seat in the back) to Spanish Banks and drove along the endowment lands. The night was gorgeous and the drive was lovely...Vancouver's lights twinkling away. We drove and talked easily about anything that came to mind. Soon Marco's hand drifted across the unspoken boundary between Driver side and Passenger side and his pinky connected with mine.
ZAP. Electricity and I'm not talking about static.

We held hands and I enjoyed the way that our fingers explored each other's hands while never really disengaging from the principal act of holding hands. We're driving along and as we come up towards Jerico Beach (again) Marco pulls the car in. (Thank goodness). He manouvers the car so that we have an unobstructed view of downtown...a view from his hood to mine.

As we are parked, the conversation gets softer, our voices quieter and in my mind we simultaneously leaned in to each other and our lips met in one of the very sweetest first kisses I've ever had.

His lips were soft and the kiss was a bit shy at first. I wasn't going to rush it, I just wanted to enjoy it. Lips parted, tongues took turns exploring and tasting. Marco is a great kisser. Not too much tongue, no excess syliva.

I couldn't help myself! The kiss was so sweet, so (ok...I'm going to use the word) tender that I found myself reaching up to caress his face as we were making out. Now I've got a huge thing with face/head touching. That for me is pretty intimate...it's what lovers do. I tried to stop a few times...move my hand down to his shoulder or chest, but it seemed like it had a mind of it's own.

Good news...Marco's soft spot is his ears...seems we have more in common than I initially thought. teehee. We made out like teenagers for about 2hours with James Blundt crooning away on the stereo. I have to say...Marco is a romantic and that came across in his initial nervous/shyness (sweaty hands...so cute!) and his choice of music plus the drive down to a beautiful place to have our first kiss.

Here's hoping there are more kisses with Marco to come.

I'll keep you posted...but I'm also trying to play things a bit cool and not get too carried away.
What happens after the phermones? Hopefully something good. We'll see. That's my new motto in romantic daliances..."we'll see".

Oh...and when I say Family Guy Car I am NOT talkin' smack about Marco's vehicle. I adore the way he talks about his son and he does seem like a very caring, very involved Dad. I thought it was very cute that the car seat has a permanent home in the car even if Marco only gets his son every 2nd weekend.

Quelle Suprise!!!! Oooh la la

Bonjour mes amis!

Aujourd'hui je suis très heureux. Oui, c'est vrais!

It has occured to me that I still haven't taken up my language class. I'm leaning more towards French now and there is a class that starts up on 11APR...but that will conflict with something else I've recently joined...BASEBALL!

Yup...that's right! I have signed up for a Co-Ed Slowpitch league and our first practice is next Tues. I already have my own glove and a few baseball caps, a great attitude and a decent batting average...what I don't have is throwing skillz. I hate to admit it...but I do throw like a girl.

The French thing may have to wait until the summer. There are other beginner classes starting in JUL. My main concern is getting into the *right* French class. I went to French emersion when I was a kid...I can understand a lot of French...but speaking it coherently and gramatically correct is a huge challenge for me.

Maybe I'll just get Marco to help me out...he's fluent in both offical languages. I don't think my broken French impressed him, but I do think that I impressed him in other ways. (get your minds out of the gutter!). Marco is new on the scene so let's just see how this goes.

You know me...I don't go in for this 'instant relationship' stuff. "Just add sex!". I am playing things pretty tight right now. I have decided to dwindle the number of men down to 1. It was getting just a bit confusing/frustrating/annoying.

I haven't talked to Sonny in days...I didn't like our last exchange via MSN...it was odd. I couldn't help but feel that if he wanted to discuss the things he read with me, he should have phoned. I probably should call him. I liked him, but I don't think we can bounce back from this. I feel a bit of resentment that he didn't just wait for the conversation to take place. Having said that, I do understand that he'd want to confront me on the post. I believe that this one has ended up a combination of The Fade Out and Ostrich.

Soo...now I am left with Maco.

Funny thing this...I have lost all filters with Marco. I say things I wouldn't normally say. For instance...Marco called me last night and we were chatting easily about everything under the sun. Of course the topic of sex comes up (of course). At one point he asked me if I ever faked an orgasm. Oh my god! I started going on and on about how it's very rare for me to cum with a partner and that it takes a lot of time for me to do that. I was telling him that for years I would fake it and I even told him the story of Pedro! WTF??? WHY would I do that? I don't know. He seemed to take it all in stride...though who knows...it was a phone call...it's hard to judge people's reaction just based on voice alone.

Seeing Marco on Sunday and I am actally very excited about it. He's the first guy in a long while that I am genuinely looking forward to seeing again. When he called me last night...it but a HUGE smile on my face.

But let's not get too carried away here...it's VERY new and maybe it's just the excitement of newness.

This is not an experiement...this is life.

Something was mentioned to me that kinda bugged me.

The direct quote was " I just want to say one thing... I don't want to feel like some sort of experiment..."

I would hardly call my life an experiement. This Blog is not an experiment. This is a reflection of different parts of me, my moods and all their swings, my whims and all their whimsy, my passions, my lusts, my desires, my feelings of all sorts.

Also...no one can make you feel anything you don't allow. I've learned that the hard way myself.

So if you believe this to be an experiment at your expense there is only one solution. End it. I am not going to stop writing down my feelings. I am not going to stop writing about my experiences.

When a show comes on TV that I don't like...I choose not to watch it. I may have cable and access to that channel, but if I don't like the show, I turn the channel or the tv off. It's the same here. IF you don't like what I'm saying, you don't have to read it. It seems rather simple to me.

So new rule. Only girls get the blog site from me. If a man happens to stumble on here that's wonderful and good. Chances are I am not dating them and they won't be offended. teehee. Of course...now I have to be careful not to date any of the women I gave my blog out to. I think that will be less of a problem...I do so love a pretty penis....and women just don't' come with their own.

So yeah...if this is an experiment....where are all the monkeys??? Everybody loves a monkey.

A non- event for Carmen -the hot chick with the tongue ring

I love comments even if I seem afraid of them sometimes. So when Carmen left the "what happened?"comment on "How about a great big cup of..." I felt the need to share.

It's really going to be somewhat disappointing.

I seethed all the way up until 8:30PM. At 8:31 I left my apartment and walked the 28 stairs up to the 7th floor. I stood outside Mr. Fuck's apartment trying to compose myself and not have on my 'fuck you' face. I took several deep breaths and repeated "One million blessing to you" over and over in my head until I felt the bubbles of giggles between my lips.

One more deep breath and then I was ready. I knocked on the door to Mr. Fuck's apartment.

"I'll be there in a minute" came the gruff voice from behind the door. I could hear the scurry of footsteps, the banging of pots and the running of water. I could also here the muttered 'Fuck Fuck Fuck" of Mr. Fuck - there was no doubt that I was at the right apartment. I waited as patiently as possible.

The door opened to reveal a fairly disheveled Mr. Fuck. Big yellow rubber gloves were on, dish soap clinging to the latex for dear life. What amused me was that Mr. Fuck was wearing an apron that read "If you don't like it, eat me" and had a picture of a burnt dinner followed by a steaming pie. I think my eyes widened in surprise.

I told him that I was Kwerkie and asked in my bubbliest voice if he would be so kind as to return my phone.

He said "Oh yes. Just a minute." And then he closed the door in my face and went back into his apartment to retrieve my phone.

I felt like I was waiting for 5 minutes but it was probably only 30 seconds. He came back sans big yellow rubber gloves, sans dish soap and apron but AVEC my phone.

I thanked him for keeping my phone safe and gave him my friendliest smile. (Well...clearly it couldn't have actually been my friendliest of faces as it wasn't a genuine smile...but I could have won an Oscar for it I'm sure).

He mumbled something about being responsible in the future and I just continued to smile and repeated my Thank You. Then I waved and left, leaving him still standing in his door step.

"Thanks again! Have a great night! Loved the apron!" I called out to him as I opened the door to the stairwell and made my way back to my happy space.

So overall...a fairly non-event.

And Carmen...you're supposed to be Chloe!! But I'll give you back your name as my very own Chloe will be making her first appearance in the WORLD on or around May 26th.
Well...she won't be my OWN Chloe. I am referring to my as of yet unborn niece who's name was told to us a few months ago.

The Gloves are coming off...

I've been afraid to write in here.

It's true...I know it's shocking, but it's true. It may be that I have given my blog site to too many people or perhaps it's the judgment that I fear. I am also afraid to write exactly what I'm feeling lately for fear that the grumpy pants haven't been put away yet.

Today I felt toxic. I wanted to scream at everyone I saw. Everyone.

I was given a ticket to the hockey game at around 10AM. The ticket was then rudely retracted at around 3PM. So instead of screaming at hot guys on ice...I decided that I needed some retail therapy.

The whole time I was shopping I kept thinking of an episode of What Not To Wear. It made me giggle...especially when confronted with my awful undies that I was wearing today. Maybe that's why I was so pissy today...I was wearing ugly undies.

I want to rant about men right now.

1) I am tired of meek men. I am a confident woman who enjoys being around confident people...men especially.
Most of my friendships are with very strong willed, strong minded, strong personality people. This makes for some volatile moments...but it is also the same reason why my friendships with these people are the most rewarding in my life.

2) I am tired of push push push to get into my puss puss puss. How about getting to know me? How about finding out THINGS about me....what I like to do on a Sunday, what I like to shop for the most, what I love to do in the quiet of the night when no one can see me?

3) I don't want to do all the work. I just don't. I don't want to be chased chased chased cuz that's the first thing that will make me run run run...but I'm not going to do it all either. I'm a bold person...I often make the first move. Well...I'm ready to come in 2nd in that one regard now.

4) Too into me...not into me. Wholly Jebus batman. One guy is too into me...Another guy is calling but can't actually make it to ONE date we've set up. Guy2 keeps asking me out...making plans...and then BAILING at the last minute. Fucking Dr's...I can't date a guy who's more wishy washy than me. After the hockey ticket bullshit...he's done.

5) DATING. Let's look at this word. It's not RELATIONSHIP. It's not COMMITMENT. It's DATING. This means hanging out with, having fun with, making out with....sometimes it might go a little further...but I've taken sex completely off the menu. No. No more sex until I, ME, KWERKIE, wants it. Just because you have an erection doesn't mean I have to do anything with it.

6) TIMING. I need a lot of ME time right now. I am not going out a lot during the week as I once did and my weekends needs to have a significant amount of Kwerkie time too. I am going NUTZ at work right now. I have been putting in a lot of overtime...at least 45 mins a day with WED night being the longest I've ever done in one day. At least the pizza was yummy. So when I say I'm busy or I want to have a night in by myself I don't want a guilt trip for it. Only one of the 2 have been respectful of that so don't think I am makin' stuff up.

*sigh* It's probably just too soon.

I was thinking about Ronan the other day...the waiting for sex...the wooing...the calls in the middle of the day. Now if only I can get the rest of the package too.

I also keep remembering this one day when he came out of the shower...but maybe I just miss the way my tummy would feel when I saw him naked.

*shakes head* There is much more that I want than just lust.

phone is ringing...ignoring it.

How about a great big cup of....

FUCK YOU to Mr. Fuck who lives on the 7th floor of my building.

Before you get all offended by my initial profanity, let me warn you that there will be plenty more where that came from!

Mr Fuck lives on the 7th floor as previously mentioned. He complains about EVERYTHING. When we finally got a lock for our dumpster out back, he complained loudly and wrote a nasty profane letter to our manager about the rust that was on the chain. Big deal! Who wears their Sunday Best to take out the trash?? If you get rust on your hands don't touch yourself! Wash your hands! Bring gloves or bring a rag to wipe your hands on.

Now this rant isn't about the fact that Mr. Fuck complained rudely about the rusty lock. And don't worry...he's not just Mr. Fuck because he pissed me off...a lot of reisdents call him 'Mr Fuck' because he actually goes around muttering "fuck, fuck fuck" all the time. I wondered at first if he might have OCD or Assburgers or maybe he really just is Mr.Fuck.

Well...last night CONFIRMS it. He is indeed Mr.Fuck because he's a Fucker.

I was doing laundry and going up and down the stairs all night. I also had my mobile phone with me. Well...I get back up to my apartment at around 9PM and realize that I must have left my phone in the laundry room. I'm not worried...the laundry room is locked and only residents can get in with a key. Also...my building ROCKS with loads of great neighbours....except for Old Lady Italy and Mr. Fuck...everyone is very friendly so the fear of theft wasn't there.

Well...I had the great misfortune of doing laundry on the same night as Mr. Fuck. So he finds my phone...and instead of leaving it the fuck alone...he decides to 'rescue' the phone.

I go down to the laundry room to get my phone and it's gone!!! WTF??? Ok...so I go upstairs and write a note and then head BACK downtstairs to leave this note on the washer. "Hi, it's Kwerkie from 5XX. If you found my mobile phone in here please return it to me. Thanks".

Well...10PM and no one has come around with my phone. I go down to the laundry room periodically and check. The note has been put in the garbage.

GRRRRR

So this morning I post a note in the elevator and on the ground floor in both stairwells asking for the safe return of my mobile.

I got home to this note:

Dear Kwerkie
I have your phone. I found it left irresponsibly in the laundry room. It was beeping annoyingly so I turned it off and brought it up to my place for safe keeping. I went to bed quite early and forgot about your phone until I saw your note this morning. If you would like to come and collect your phone it will be available between the hours of 8:30-9:30PM tonight.
By the way -the proper term is CELLULAR phone - NOT mobile phone.
Yours,
Mr. Fuck apt 7XX.

So...GREAT! My phone is held hostage until 8:30PM, It's SMALL...he could EASILY slip it through my mail slot. (our mail is delivered to every suite...we have slots in the door like a regular house). So WHY HASN'T HE DONE THAT???

I'll tell you why...cuz he's Mr. Fuck the Fucker!!

So I will go up at 8:30PM tonight to get my phone and I'm sure I will have to bite my tongue so I don't just say "Thanks!" Followed quickly by "And FUCK YOU MR FUCK -YOU FUCKIN' FUCK FUCK".

Hi, how ya doin? Good to see ya.

Hiya!

Remember me? The Kwerkie girl with the cute smile and the bubbly personality and the clever writing? I"ve been away for a bit,but...well...it's all Sunshine and Lollipops from here on in baby!

What about YOU? How have YOU been?

You may have noticed that I FINALLY have some links on here. Yes indeed. Sonny made that happen for me and I'm pretty chuffed about it. I don't even mind that he put his link first. teehee.


I know I haven't been posting much about all the sexy things I used to and it's partly because I haven't been feeling very sexy despite getting a bit of rumpy bumpy here and there and becoming closer friend's with my vibrator and busy little fingers.

Taking a lover and not being too committed is a LOT of work. A lot more energy than I'm actually willing to expend at the height of my very crazy busy season at work.

Simone and I were talking about taking a page out of Samantha's script and trying on the commitment phobe Lover Panties. This basically means taking a lover (or loverS) and just having sex with no emotions...no feeling...no commitment...no worries. Frankly, I just don't see it working for either of us.

Not to talk smack about Simone (cuz you know I love you) but she is a very emotional creature. Now I, on the other hand...can't control my emotions very well at all - so to say I was an emotional creature may be a bit of an understatement.

I've fucked like a man before. Taken taken taken and believed that in my taking I was giving. I'm sure Bentley (if indeed he read this) would nod his head in agreement. I can't help but feel that I was getting revenge for all the times I felt used.

But here's something I've come to accept in recent days. No one can make me feel anything that I don't want (or allow myself) to feel. I've heard it before...I've probably said it before, but it took my last visit to Thunder Bay to really hit home. (ha. Irony).

So right now I'm feeling pretty good. I have a great group of friends I like hangin' with and I am insisting on my own time too.

In fact...I feel so good that I might get another tattoo soon. One more milestone to mark...I AM in charge of my own life. I am going forward and though I haven't been submitting it here...I've been writing like a FIEND!

There is a secret I've been keeping...well...not really keeping it all to myself...I've told some people and have had some help with my secret project....I promise to reveal it all in good time. I just want to seal the deal as it were before blabbing on here.

Ok...more things to do before I hit the sack.

Ciao
Kwerkie

Us again! This time you can see Kirk behind Derek and Valerie  

My Peeps! (L to R = Kwerkie, Fi, Celia, Derek (in Kilt), Valerie, Luke, Britney.  

Fi and I showing off our Dancing Skillz 

Dancing Therapy!

I want to tell you about how I celebrated St. Patrick's Day this year.

I bought a ticket to the Pub Crawl that was put on by Bust Loose Travel. This is a pretty interesting tour company that specializes in University Crowd/Language School partiers. The average age of the Bust Loose booker is aprox 23.

I wasn't worried though...I was going with 6 people whom I know and I was certain that we would have a blast....and DID WE!

We all met at the Lamplighter Pub and dawned our oversized white painter suites, armed with markers, a free drink and some lube we started out night. I was scanning the crowd...was there a man worthy of my flirtations tonight?? There were some who showed potential but I was actually just happy to hang with my crew.

We chose Jody as our Bus Captain. This girl was HOT. She had the forethought to get her painter coveralls the night before and made a tight white mini dress...we were all very impressed. She was super fun and so we stalked her to Bus # 3. Us cool kids sat at the back of the bus while various language school students (Chinese, Japanese, French and Spanish) kids sat everywhere else.

I was feeling pretty buzzed by the time we got to our 2nd pub thanks to our Road Rockets I had along the way. They were playing some R&B/Hip Hop stuff and here is where I tell you that I actually LOVE to dance to that stuff. Sooooo....I buy a drink for Derek and myself and then head out to the dance floor. I proceeded to wow my peeps with my dancing skillz.

Those of you who've been out cuttin a rug with me know that I can't be expected to dance like a polite young lady. I need room to move...dancing requires the attention of my entire body. I need to just move move move. I don't think I am a particularly good dancer...but I couldn't give a rat's ass who thinks I"m a fly girl or a ummm...bad dancer girl.

I just basically move to the music how ever I want to and if it offends people...ha! who cares!

We hit 4 places in total, 3 of which were dance clubs and I didn't sit down ONCE. I got very drunk but hey...that's what St. Patrick's Day is for! I also won a cd....I haven't listened to it yet so I'll have to let you know what it's like. Judging by the song titles (eg "Our relationship is getting stronger with each golf game I play" ) I think it's more humour than anything note worthy. In fact...looking at it now I see it's the Bud Light Institute cd. oh joy!

I just can't tell you how FABULOUS it all was.

Here is the downside. I spent ALL morning Sat in the bathroom barfing...and guess what happened?? I pulled my back out!!

Saturday was fuzzy....I spent most of the day on pain killers. Finally a Tylenol 3 took the edge off then I went out to help Mick celebrate his birthday. I felt on the fringe for a while...it's a bit odd sometimes with The Clique...I feel like I'm cool kid the one day...happy cheerleader, and then the next I'm a nerd...a fringe dweller who laughs from the shadows.

The pain was coming back by 11PM and I caught a ride home with 2 other girls. By the time I got back to my apartment it was after 12AM and I was in agony.

Blue sky...nuthin' but blue sky

Today I am exceedingly happy!

I woke up at 7AM and wasn't hung over!
I had a lovely cuddle with Taliesin (my puma in case I haven't mentioned him before)
The Sun is Shining and there is Blue Sky as far as my peepers can see!

I am writing again...writing I tells ya! Words scrawled on sacred paper...happy blue ink winking at me, words flowing...I even used the word 'lithe' in a sentence...I like that word...it's a slow word, I like to linger over it.

The trees on my street have sprung blossoms and the cherry trees in particular make me happy. Pink to deeper pink. It reminds me of something Nelson once told me....that the pinks remind him of my delicate pink bits. The memory sends a spasm to those very delicate pink bits and this time there is no pang of angst or vexation that follows....just a memory and a lovely thought.

I am enjoying myself this week in a way I haven't in a long while. I am really feeling like I actually KNOW what I am wanting. I have made a list of things to accomplish before AUG and I believe that these are all very achievable.

1) I have decided to stay in my apartment and to show my commitment I am going next SUN to pick out paint chips and see what colours would suit best. I am leaning more towards a bright sunny colour in the living room (I"m thinking Yellow again) and I have definitely set my heart on a sagey green for my bedroom. The bathroom I think I will leave white only because there are too many colours competing for attention....cream bathtub, multi coloured white, pink, cream tiles on the floor, beiges, yellows, oranges in my shower curtain and of course toilet in it's 3 colours of bright white (too hard on my eyes), beige and brown.

My kitchen needs some lovin' too and I hate hate HATE my brown cupboards and snot green fridge & stove. What can I do with those colours?? I think about painting the cupboards but don't want to do a bad job of it. I wonder if I have to sand them down and then put a primer on and THEN paint. ANy advice??? What ties poo brown and snot green together? Pee yellow??

2) I am going to bring back the Kwerkie Deli at work. I hate having to go out for lunch all the time...it bugs me that we don't have a micro wave there so hot meals are out of the question unless I want to go and buy them. But it's spring!!! I will be brining leafy green and whole grains to the office and making my own lunches. It's much cheaper and right now even the 20 mins I spend going out to eat feels like precious time ticking away.


Ok...time to make breakfast and get things happening!

No, you can NOT go home again...

But you can go to the place where you were born, see some family and have a lovely visit.

My whirlwind trip back to Thunder Bay was so much better than I had even hoped for. I don't know where to start this so I think I'll just tell you as it pops into my head.

I am a bad Grand Daughter...but the one of the perks of being a Grand Daughter is that you are automatically forgiven for all your fox passes if you just ask for it. And really...it's so much simpler than even all that. I didn't even have to verbalize my request to my Mum's parents. It was in my hugs and the fact that when Grandpa make a joke about one of our camping trips I teared up a little bit...just being overwhelmed by all the memories. He just hugged me and laughed and gave me one of his signature "Ehhhhs". He's like the Fonz that way...but older and wrinklier.

My Grandma C needed me to say the words and I don't blame her. Once the words were out her forgiveness was faster than my stammered apology. It was completed the next day when we had a huge hug and she held me tight as I cried.

I found out that where I am from doesn't actually define me. My cousins are the perfect example of that. Education is the key here...I think I have a fairly good speaking voice and I believe that my choice of words adds colour to my stories. My cousins sound very much like they are from Thunder Bay. There was a hole of "eh?'s" and even the dreaded "I was giviner down the road" thrown into the stories. Wowzah. The accent alone was enough to make my ears hurt a bit.

Still...I don't want to talk too much smack. I was delighted to see my Grandparents...all 3 of them (Grandpa C died 8yrs ago...coincidentally it was the last time I went back to Thunder Bay).

I felt skinny when I was there...which isn't 'a good thing. I am chubby for sure. I need to get my ass back at the gym 4 times a week fo sho mo fos. But wow...people in Thunder Bay were ROTUND! Yeah..that's right...I'm not going to cushion this with Rubanesque or any of the other cutesy names I could...it was FAT CITY.

So here is what I have learned. My Mum is to blame for cutting my Dad's parents out of our lives until I was 14yrs old. After that...it's all me.

I still like to defer to my older brothers in matters of ...ummm....lots. I was going to say family decision making but that's not entirely true. Yes I am my own person...but I was very much the younger child in Thunder Bay. I almost felt like I was 12...free of responsibility but still vocal enough in my own right.

I have also learned that I have the power of forgiveness to give as well.

I'm not going to get into it...it's pointless now as things happened so long ago and I have come to that wonderful place of forgiveness so let's just say that I now only have one more Uncle to forgive and we'll see how I go with that one. It took me over 15 years to forgive my Aunt's husband...we'll see how long it takes to forgive my Mum's twin.

I don't have to think of Thunder Bay as 'home'. It's not home. But it does have some redeeming features...namely it is the home of my Grandparents whom I love very much and who's unconditional love and forgiveness was the best part of my trip.

Is it true??? Can you never go home again?

In 4 days I"m going back to Thunder Bay to celebrate my Grandma's 90th Birthday. I am feeling a bit anxious about it for a few reaons.

I'm not a good grandchild. Oh sure I had my moments of excessive cuteness and my fair share of accomplishes...but I haven't done any sort of family duty in the past 12 years or so. I never call. I rarely email. I don't send cards or gifts or anything. It's not that I don't love my grandparents and it's not that I don't think of them...in fact I often have very lucid dreams about them...especially both of my grandmothers.

I have some bits of my past that I have felt like I have delt with as much as I can at the moment...mayby this trip will help me let it go. I sometimes fear that I will turn into my mother and be a Bitter Betty.

I see it in other people I know as well. I fear my grumpy pants have been on long enough. Even my BOSS comented today that I"m not as shiny and new as I once was...what has happened to my bubbles?

So tonight I came home...took a VERY long and VERY hot shower and then I proceeded to scrub the grumpy off of me. Tonight I will be going to bed at a very reasonable time and then I will wake up and feel fresh. I have my outfit all picked out and I will be every so cute! I shall do my make up and my hair and I will be pleasant and witty to everyone.

I had a fabulous dinner....leafy greens!! With chicken!! yummm

Thunder Bay will be a test of the grumpy pants for sure...but I am determined to find myself at last.