My Peeps! (L to R = Kwerkie, Fi, Celia, Derek (in Kilt), Valerie, Luke, Britney.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Dancing Therapy!
I want to tell you about how I celebrated St. Patrick's Day this year.
I bought a ticket to the Pub Crawl that was put on by Bust Loose Travel. This is a pretty interesting tour company that specializes in University Crowd/Language School partiers. The average age of the Bust Loose booker is aprox 23.
I wasn't worried though...I was going with 6 people whom I know and I was certain that we would have a blast....and DID WE!
We all met at the Lamplighter Pub and dawned our oversized white painter suites, armed with markers, a free drink and some lube we started out night. I was scanning the crowd...was there a man worthy of my flirtations tonight?? There were some who showed potential but I was actually just happy to hang with my crew.
We chose Jody as our Bus Captain. This girl was HOT. She had the forethought to get her painter coveralls the night before and made a tight white mini dress...we were all very impressed. She was super fun and so we stalked her to Bus # 3. Us cool kids sat at the back of the bus while various language school students (Chinese, Japanese, French and Spanish) kids sat everywhere else.
I was feeling pretty buzzed by the time we got to our 2nd pub thanks to our Road Rockets I had along the way. They were playing some R&B/Hip Hop stuff and here is where I tell you that I actually LOVE to dance to that stuff. Sooooo....I buy a drink for Derek and myself and then head out to the dance floor. I proceeded to wow my peeps with my dancing skillz.
Those of you who've been out cuttin a rug with me know that I can't be expected to dance like a polite young lady. I need room to move...dancing requires the attention of my entire body. I need to just move move move. I don't think I am a particularly good dancer...but I couldn't give a rat's ass who thinks I"m a fly girl or a ummm...bad dancer girl.
I just basically move to the music how ever I want to and if it offends people...ha! who cares!
We hit 4 places in total, 3 of which were dance clubs and I didn't sit down ONCE. I got very drunk but hey...that's what St. Patrick's Day is for! I also won a cd....I haven't listened to it yet so I'll have to let you know what it's like. Judging by the song titles (eg "Our relationship is getting stronger with each golf game I play" ) I think it's more humour than anything note worthy. In fact...looking at it now I see it's the Bud Light Institute cd. oh joy!
I just can't tell you how FABULOUS it all was.
Here is the downside. I spent ALL morning Sat in the bathroom barfing...and guess what happened?? I pulled my back out!!
Saturday was fuzzy....I spent most of the day on pain killers. Finally a Tylenol 3 took the edge off then I went out to help Mick celebrate his birthday. I felt on the fringe for a while...it's a bit odd sometimes with The Clique...I feel like I'm cool kid the one day...happy cheerleader, and then the next I'm a nerd...a fringe dweller who laughs from the shadows.
The pain was coming back by 11PM and I caught a ride home with 2 other girls. By the time I got back to my apartment it was after 12AM and I was in agony.
I bought a ticket to the Pub Crawl that was put on by Bust Loose Travel. This is a pretty interesting tour company that specializes in University Crowd/Language School partiers. The average age of the Bust Loose booker is aprox 23.
I wasn't worried though...I was going with 6 people whom I know and I was certain that we would have a blast....and DID WE!
We all met at the Lamplighter Pub and dawned our oversized white painter suites, armed with markers, a free drink and some lube we started out night. I was scanning the crowd...was there a man worthy of my flirtations tonight?? There were some who showed potential but I was actually just happy to hang with my crew.
We chose Jody as our Bus Captain. This girl was HOT. She had the forethought to get her painter coveralls the night before and made a tight white mini dress...we were all very impressed. She was super fun and so we stalked her to Bus # 3. Us cool kids sat at the back of the bus while various language school students (Chinese, Japanese, French and Spanish) kids sat everywhere else.
I was feeling pretty buzzed by the time we got to our 2nd pub thanks to our Road Rockets I had along the way. They were playing some R&B/Hip Hop stuff and here is where I tell you that I actually LOVE to dance to that stuff. Sooooo....I buy a drink for Derek and myself and then head out to the dance floor. I proceeded to wow my peeps with my dancing skillz.
Those of you who've been out cuttin a rug with me know that I can't be expected to dance like a polite young lady. I need room to move...dancing requires the attention of my entire body. I need to just move move move. I don't think I am a particularly good dancer...but I couldn't give a rat's ass who thinks I"m a fly girl or a ummm...bad dancer girl.
I just basically move to the music how ever I want to and if it offends people...ha! who cares!
We hit 4 places in total, 3 of which were dance clubs and I didn't sit down ONCE. I got very drunk but hey...that's what St. Patrick's Day is for! I also won a cd....I haven't listened to it yet so I'll have to let you know what it's like. Judging by the song titles (eg "Our relationship is getting stronger with each golf game I play" ) I think it's more humour than anything note worthy. In fact...looking at it now I see it's the Bud Light Institute cd. oh joy!
I just can't tell you how FABULOUS it all was.
Here is the downside. I spent ALL morning Sat in the bathroom barfing...and guess what happened?? I pulled my back out!!
Saturday was fuzzy....I spent most of the day on pain killers. Finally a Tylenol 3 took the edge off then I went out to help Mick celebrate his birthday. I felt on the fringe for a while...it's a bit odd sometimes with The Clique...I feel like I'm cool kid the one day...happy cheerleader, and then the next I'm a nerd...a fringe dweller who laughs from the shadows.
The pain was coming back by 11PM and I caught a ride home with 2 other girls. By the time I got back to my apartment it was after 12AM and I was in agony.
Blue sky...nuthin' but blue sky
Today I am exceedingly happy!
I woke up at 7AM and wasn't hung over!
I had a lovely cuddle with Taliesin (my puma in case I haven't mentioned him before)
The Sun is Shining and there is Blue Sky as far as my peepers can see!
I am writing again...writing I tells ya! Words scrawled on sacred paper...happy blue ink winking at me, words flowing...I even used the word 'lithe' in a sentence...I like that word...it's a slow word, I like to linger over it.
The trees on my street have sprung blossoms and the cherry trees in particular make me happy. Pink to deeper pink. It reminds me of something Nelson once told me....that the pinks remind him of my delicate pink bits. The memory sends a spasm to those very delicate pink bits and this time there is no pang of angst or vexation that follows....just a memory and a lovely thought.
I am enjoying myself this week in a way I haven't in a long while. I am really feeling like I actually KNOW what I am wanting. I have made a list of things to accomplish before AUG and I believe that these are all very achievable.
1) I have decided to stay in my apartment and to show my commitment I am going next SUN to pick out paint chips and see what colours would suit best. I am leaning more towards a bright sunny colour in the living room (I"m thinking Yellow again) and I have definitely set my heart on a sagey green for my bedroom. The bathroom I think I will leave white only because there are too many colours competing for attention....cream bathtub, multi coloured white, pink, cream tiles on the floor, beiges, yellows, oranges in my shower curtain and of course toilet in it's 3 colours of bright white (too hard on my eyes), beige and brown.
My kitchen needs some lovin' too and I hate hate HATE my brown cupboards and snot green fridge & stove. What can I do with those colours?? I think about painting the cupboards but don't want to do a bad job of it. I wonder if I have to sand them down and then put a primer on and THEN paint. ANy advice??? What ties poo brown and snot green together? Pee yellow??
2) I am going to bring back the Kwerkie Deli at work. I hate having to go out for lunch all the time...it bugs me that we don't have a micro wave there so hot meals are out of the question unless I want to go and buy them. But it's spring!!! I will be brining leafy green and whole grains to the office and making my own lunches. It's much cheaper and right now even the 20 mins I spend going out to eat feels like precious time ticking away.
Ok...time to make breakfast and get things happening!
I woke up at 7AM and wasn't hung over!
I had a lovely cuddle with Taliesin (my puma in case I haven't mentioned him before)
The Sun is Shining and there is Blue Sky as far as my peepers can see!
I am writing again...writing I tells ya! Words scrawled on sacred paper...happy blue ink winking at me, words flowing...I even used the word 'lithe' in a sentence...I like that word...it's a slow word, I like to linger over it.
The trees on my street have sprung blossoms and the cherry trees in particular make me happy. Pink to deeper pink. It reminds me of something Nelson once told me....that the pinks remind him of my delicate pink bits. The memory sends a spasm to those very delicate pink bits and this time there is no pang of angst or vexation that follows....just a memory and a lovely thought.
I am enjoying myself this week in a way I haven't in a long while. I am really feeling like I actually KNOW what I am wanting. I have made a list of things to accomplish before AUG and I believe that these are all very achievable.
1) I have decided to stay in my apartment and to show my commitment I am going next SUN to pick out paint chips and see what colours would suit best. I am leaning more towards a bright sunny colour in the living room (I"m thinking Yellow again) and I have definitely set my heart on a sagey green for my bedroom. The bathroom I think I will leave white only because there are too many colours competing for attention....cream bathtub, multi coloured white, pink, cream tiles on the floor, beiges, yellows, oranges in my shower curtain and of course toilet in it's 3 colours of bright white (too hard on my eyes), beige and brown.
My kitchen needs some lovin' too and I hate hate HATE my brown cupboards and snot green fridge & stove. What can I do with those colours?? I think about painting the cupboards but don't want to do a bad job of it. I wonder if I have to sand them down and then put a primer on and THEN paint. ANy advice??? What ties poo brown and snot green together? Pee yellow??
2) I am going to bring back the Kwerkie Deli at work. I hate having to go out for lunch all the time...it bugs me that we don't have a micro wave there so hot meals are out of the question unless I want to go and buy them. But it's spring!!! I will be brining leafy green and whole grains to the office and making my own lunches. It's much cheaper and right now even the 20 mins I spend going out to eat feels like precious time ticking away.
Ok...time to make breakfast and get things happening!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
No, you can NOT go home again...
But you can go to the place where you were born, see some family and have a lovely visit.
My whirlwind trip back to Thunder Bay was so much better than I had even hoped for. I don't know where to start this so I think I'll just tell you as it pops into my head.
I am a bad Grand Daughter...but the one of the perks of being a Grand Daughter is that you are automatically forgiven for all your fox passes if you just ask for it. And really...it's so much simpler than even all that. I didn't even have to verbalize my request to my Mum's parents. It was in my hugs and the fact that when Grandpa make a joke about one of our camping trips I teared up a little bit...just being overwhelmed by all the memories. He just hugged me and laughed and gave me one of his signature "Ehhhhs". He's like the Fonz that way...but older and wrinklier.
My Grandma C needed me to say the words and I don't blame her. Once the words were out her forgiveness was faster than my stammered apology. It was completed the next day when we had a huge hug and she held me tight as I cried.
I found out that where I am from doesn't actually define me. My cousins are the perfect example of that. Education is the key here...I think I have a fairly good speaking voice and I believe that my choice of words adds colour to my stories. My cousins sound very much like they are from Thunder Bay. There was a hole of "eh?'s" and even the dreaded "I was giviner down the road" thrown into the stories. Wowzah. The accent alone was enough to make my ears hurt a bit.
Still...I don't want to talk too much smack. I was delighted to see my Grandparents...all 3 of them (Grandpa C died 8yrs ago...coincidentally it was the last time I went back to Thunder Bay).
I felt skinny when I was there...which isn't 'a good thing. I am chubby for sure. I need to get my ass back at the gym 4 times a week fo sho mo fos. But wow...people in Thunder Bay were ROTUND! Yeah..that's right...I'm not going to cushion this with Rubanesque or any of the other cutesy names I could...it was FAT CITY.
So here is what I have learned. My Mum is to blame for cutting my Dad's parents out of our lives until I was 14yrs old. After that...it's all me.
I still like to defer to my older brothers in matters of ...ummm....lots. I was going to say family decision making but that's not entirely true. Yes I am my own person...but I was very much the younger child in Thunder Bay. I almost felt like I was 12...free of responsibility but still vocal enough in my own right.
I have also learned that I have the power of forgiveness to give as well.
I'm not going to get into it...it's pointless now as things happened so long ago and I have come to that wonderful place of forgiveness so let's just say that I now only have one more Uncle to forgive and we'll see how I go with that one. It took me over 15 years to forgive my Aunt's husband...we'll see how long it takes to forgive my Mum's twin.
I don't have to think of Thunder Bay as 'home'. It's not home. But it does have some redeeming features...namely it is the home of my Grandparents whom I love very much and who's unconditional love and forgiveness was the best part of my trip.
My whirlwind trip back to Thunder Bay was so much better than I had even hoped for. I don't know where to start this so I think I'll just tell you as it pops into my head.
I am a bad Grand Daughter...but the one of the perks of being a Grand Daughter is that you are automatically forgiven for all your fox passes if you just ask for it. And really...it's so much simpler than even all that. I didn't even have to verbalize my request to my Mum's parents. It was in my hugs and the fact that when Grandpa make a joke about one of our camping trips I teared up a little bit...just being overwhelmed by all the memories. He just hugged me and laughed and gave me one of his signature "Ehhhhs". He's like the Fonz that way...but older and wrinklier.
My Grandma C needed me to say the words and I don't blame her. Once the words were out her forgiveness was faster than my stammered apology. It was completed the next day when we had a huge hug and she held me tight as I cried.
I found out that where I am from doesn't actually define me. My cousins are the perfect example of that. Education is the key here...I think I have a fairly good speaking voice and I believe that my choice of words adds colour to my stories. My cousins sound very much like they are from Thunder Bay. There was a hole of "eh?'s" and even the dreaded "I was giviner down the road" thrown into the stories. Wowzah. The accent alone was enough to make my ears hurt a bit.
Still...I don't want to talk too much smack. I was delighted to see my Grandparents...all 3 of them (Grandpa C died 8yrs ago...coincidentally it was the last time I went back to Thunder Bay).
I felt skinny when I was there...which isn't 'a good thing. I am chubby for sure. I need to get my ass back at the gym 4 times a week fo sho mo fos. But wow...people in Thunder Bay were ROTUND! Yeah..that's right...I'm not going to cushion this with Rubanesque or any of the other cutesy names I could...it was FAT CITY.
So here is what I have learned. My Mum is to blame for cutting my Dad's parents out of our lives until I was 14yrs old. After that...it's all me.
I still like to defer to my older brothers in matters of ...ummm....lots. I was going to say family decision making but that's not entirely true. Yes I am my own person...but I was very much the younger child in Thunder Bay. I almost felt like I was 12...free of responsibility but still vocal enough in my own right.
I have also learned that I have the power of forgiveness to give as well.
I'm not going to get into it...it's pointless now as things happened so long ago and I have come to that wonderful place of forgiveness so let's just say that I now only have one more Uncle to forgive and we'll see how I go with that one. It took me over 15 years to forgive my Aunt's husband...we'll see how long it takes to forgive my Mum's twin.
I don't have to think of Thunder Bay as 'home'. It's not home. But it does have some redeeming features...namely it is the home of my Grandparents whom I love very much and who's unconditional love and forgiveness was the best part of my trip.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Is it true??? Can you never go home again?
In 4 days I"m going back to Thunder Bay to celebrate my Grandma's 90th Birthday. I am feeling a bit anxious about it for a few reaons.
I'm not a good grandchild. Oh sure I had my moments of excessive cuteness and my fair share of accomplishes...but I haven't done any sort of family duty in the past 12 years or so. I never call. I rarely email. I don't send cards or gifts or anything. It's not that I don't love my grandparents and it's not that I don't think of them...in fact I often have very lucid dreams about them...especially both of my grandmothers.
I have some bits of my past that I have felt like I have delt with as much as I can at the moment...mayby this trip will help me let it go. I sometimes fear that I will turn into my mother and be a Bitter Betty.
I see it in other people I know as well. I fear my grumpy pants have been on long enough. Even my BOSS comented today that I"m not as shiny and new as I once was...what has happened to my bubbles?
So tonight I came home...took a VERY long and VERY hot shower and then I proceeded to scrub the grumpy off of me. Tonight I will be going to bed at a very reasonable time and then I will wake up and feel fresh. I have my outfit all picked out and I will be every so cute! I shall do my make up and my hair and I will be pleasant and witty to everyone.
I had a fabulous dinner....leafy greens!! With chicken!! yummm
Thunder Bay will be a test of the grumpy pants for sure...but I am determined to find myself at last.
I'm not a good grandchild. Oh sure I had my moments of excessive cuteness and my fair share of accomplishes...but I haven't done any sort of family duty in the past 12 years or so. I never call. I rarely email. I don't send cards or gifts or anything. It's not that I don't love my grandparents and it's not that I don't think of them...in fact I often have very lucid dreams about them...especially both of my grandmothers.
I have some bits of my past that I have felt like I have delt with as much as I can at the moment...mayby this trip will help me let it go. I sometimes fear that I will turn into my mother and be a Bitter Betty.
I see it in other people I know as well. I fear my grumpy pants have been on long enough. Even my BOSS comented today that I"m not as shiny and new as I once was...what has happened to my bubbles?
So tonight I came home...took a VERY long and VERY hot shower and then I proceeded to scrub the grumpy off of me. Tonight I will be going to bed at a very reasonable time and then I will wake up and feel fresh. I have my outfit all picked out and I will be every so cute! I shall do my make up and my hair and I will be pleasant and witty to everyone.
I had a fabulous dinner....leafy greens!! With chicken!! yummm
Thunder Bay will be a test of the grumpy pants for sure...but I am determined to find myself at last.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Mariah Carey is on to something
I gotta shake it off
I can't believe I just quoted Mariah....ah well. The words speak to me and can 3 grammy's really be compltely wrong?
I am going to head over to the Vancouver Aquatic Centre in a bit to have a swim, a hot tub and a steam room. I found out that because of all the groups I send there I get to go for free once a month. Yeah free!
Soooo...is this a 1/3rd life crisis? Should I do something outrageous? Should I be trying to date younger men or looking at buying an expensive car or maybe walking around saying wibble???
Two shots of happy....one shot of sad.
"Boy I gotta shake you off
Gotta do what’s best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
Shake you off"
Don't get me wrong...I'm not just talking about Bentley or Ronan or Nelson or any of the men that have passed through in the last little while. I'm talking about much more than that...about the funk I'm in, the lethargy, the agnst. I'm talking about the pressure from myself, my family and the world. I can't believe I just quoted Mariah....ah well. The words speak to me and can 3 grammy's really be compltely wrong?
I am going to head over to the Vancouver Aquatic Centre in a bit to have a swim, a hot tub and a steam room. I found out that because of all the groups I send there I get to go for free once a month. Yeah free!
Soooo...is this a 1/3rd life crisis? Should I do something outrageous? Should I be trying to date younger men or looking at buying an expensive car or maybe walking around saying wibble???
Two shots of happy....one shot of sad.
Monday, February 27, 2006
I'm all in Baby
As many of you have probably observed...I'm an extremist. I don't like to do things half assed...if I am going to fall for some guy, I'm going to give my whole being into it. If I'm going to jump into anything I'll just close my eyes and take the plunge. So when I get depressed...yeah...it gets messy.
I have managed to clean 85% of my apartment which makes me feel like I am just starting to get back some of the control I fear I have lost. I have even went back to the gym so I feel like at least something is happening in the way of change.
I fantasize about painting my place. I also fantasize about moving to Commercial Drive. I long for the day when I am in a place that finally feels like HOME...like MY HOME. Would that mean that I have to OWN my place before this happens?
My apartment is cold right now. Just temperature wize...I'm not talking about not feeling comfy in it. Truth be told this is the first place I've felt homey in for a long while. So why the fantasies about major change with it?
Maybe it's because I still haven't put up all my artwork. Maybe it's because the only things I feel I can change are the physical things around me. The phantom things like love, happiness just seem far away...I am focusing on the tangible right now...house 'n home, fitness etc.
I am searchingn for comfort in physical things but resisting the urge to comfort myself with food. I did have lentil soup for dinner though...that helped. Lentils are yummy...and I won't hear a bad thing about them. I believe they are good for me and as they were covered in saucy goodness with hints of cilantro...I think that the soup was a better choice than say....ice cream or those tiny fabulous easter egg candy thingies.
I'm sure you are wondering why I'm not seeking comfort in Bentley's arms or bed. The answer is simple...I need to be accountable for my own happiness and I am learning to self soothe. Besides...the endorphins can only last for so long and soon after cuming I think about going. (back inside my cave)
I do care about Bentely and I dont' wish to hurt his feelings etc. I think I am just not emotionally that available to anyone...not even to myself. I have had the past 4 days to myself and I got a lot of thinking done, a lot of cleaning done and a lot of catching up with me done. I have enjoyed it.
I still talk to Bentley and enjoy that dont' get me wrong. I just don't think it's fair to him to keep him in Limbo as it were. I can't commit and I won't go backwards. I am guessing then that the only way to feel good about this is to tell him that I just can't.
Maybe I was fooling myself in January thinking that I had all my ducks in a row after my relationship with Ronan went so sour.
I guess I really DO need to keep that promise I made to myself. I DO need to be Kwerkie Alone.
I read Lady K's site the other day and her posting about Querky Alone Day and about Violetta marrying herself. I loved that post. I went to Violetta's site and I think I read it about 10 times.
I might just marry me if I'm lucky!
I have managed to clean 85% of my apartment which makes me feel like I am just starting to get back some of the control I fear I have lost. I have even went back to the gym so I feel like at least something is happening in the way of change.
I fantasize about painting my place. I also fantasize about moving to Commercial Drive. I long for the day when I am in a place that finally feels like HOME...like MY HOME. Would that mean that I have to OWN my place before this happens?
My apartment is cold right now. Just temperature wize...I'm not talking about not feeling comfy in it. Truth be told this is the first place I've felt homey in for a long while. So why the fantasies about major change with it?
Maybe it's because I still haven't put up all my artwork. Maybe it's because the only things I feel I can change are the physical things around me. The phantom things like love, happiness just seem far away...I am focusing on the tangible right now...house 'n home, fitness etc.
I am searchingn for comfort in physical things but resisting the urge to comfort myself with food. I did have lentil soup for dinner though...that helped. Lentils are yummy...and I won't hear a bad thing about them. I believe they are good for me and as they were covered in saucy goodness with hints of cilantro...I think that the soup was a better choice than say....ice cream or those tiny fabulous easter egg candy thingies.
I'm sure you are wondering why I'm not seeking comfort in Bentley's arms or bed. The answer is simple...I need to be accountable for my own happiness and I am learning to self soothe. Besides...the endorphins can only last for so long and soon after cuming I think about going. (back inside my cave)
I do care about Bentely and I dont' wish to hurt his feelings etc. I think I am just not emotionally that available to anyone...not even to myself. I have had the past 4 days to myself and I got a lot of thinking done, a lot of cleaning done and a lot of catching up with me done. I have enjoyed it.
I still talk to Bentley and enjoy that dont' get me wrong. I just don't think it's fair to him to keep him in Limbo as it were. I can't commit and I won't go backwards. I am guessing then that the only way to feel good about this is to tell him that I just can't.
Maybe I was fooling myself in January thinking that I had all my ducks in a row after my relationship with Ronan went so sour.
I guess I really DO need to keep that promise I made to myself. I DO need to be Kwerkie Alone.
I read Lady K's site the other day and her posting about Querky Alone Day and about Violetta marrying herself. I loved that post. I went to Violetta's site and I think I read it about 10 times.
I might just marry me if I'm lucky!
Sunday, February 05, 2006
What is enough?
For the last few weeks...probably closer to a month or more if I really think about it...I have been feeling less than enough.
I have entered the Winter of my funk and I can't seem to shake it. I've tried eating salads...these always seem to lighten my moods...but frankly my forage into foilage was not doing it. I have tried having a lot of sex, and despite it being very satisfying, I can't get out of this funk! Sadly even though Bentley is going down...it is not pulling me up.
If love is not enough and sex is not enough and salads aren't doing any tricks...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm leaving tomorrow on a work trip and I can't be arsed to do ANYTHING to get ready for it. I can't look at my clothes ridden floor to find anything suitable to wear. I am going to the Happiest Place On Earth...yes...Disnayland and I just want to cave. That's right...you heard me...CAVE.
I need a week off of life. No work, no people, nothing. I just want to hide in my cave and maybe cry a bit...or maybe just eat leafy greens or maybe I'll just hole up at the gym and DEAL with the weight that I'm packing on.
**********************************
Three Weeks Later....
I STILL can't shake this thing. I've been sick, seemed to be getting better and then sick again. I have had the worst sinus infection cold thingy ever! I don't tend to get sinus colds...I don't think I want to ever again! It was awful to fly with being all stuffed up. I thought my forehead was going to explode!
I'm still dating Bentley though I suspect that I will end it soon. Nothing I am doing seems right so I think I just need to NOT do some things.
I have spent most of my day doing laundry. It's a Saturday so the laundry room wasn't too busy and I even left one washer available for my neighbour. It has taken me 5 hrs to do 6 loads of laundry. I think I have washed everything that I own. Well...not everything as I still have a blanket and 1 sheet left to wash but I'll save that for next week.
I have also cleaned my kitchen and my bedroom. I feel miles better for doing this though I still have a lot of cleaning left to do. I really need to sweep, vaccuume and mop. PLUS I need to clean the bathroom. I think those will fill my day tomorrow.
Tonight I'm just gonna chill out. My next door neighbour has invited me for drinks and a movie. He is really cool and we have a lot in common. Both of us are going through weirdo times right now.
In all my funk what is MOST surprising to me is this. I can't stop thinking about Nelson. I know...it's so silly! It's been 2 years and I am still just as wiggy about hin as I was the day we broke up. I wish I could just get over it. We weren't together for very long and he wasn't very open or honest with me....so WHY am I still hung up on him??
I think about Ronan too. Mostly wonder how he's doing and wishing him the best. I am sad things didn't work between he and I but I couldn't compromise anymore of myself. I had lost myself...I still don't feel very 'found'.
With Bentley things are...well...they just are. I feel apatheti mostly. I'm not feeling anything, I'm not excited to see him, I'm not unhappy to see him...I do have a good time with him...but I am just not feeling the OOOOMPH.
I guess I just need to take some time and figure this stuff out.
Blahhhhhh
I have entered the Winter of my funk and I can't seem to shake it. I've tried eating salads...these always seem to lighten my moods...but frankly my forage into foilage was not doing it. I have tried having a lot of sex, and despite it being very satisfying, I can't get out of this funk! Sadly even though Bentley is going down...it is not pulling me up.
If love is not enough and sex is not enough and salads aren't doing any tricks...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm leaving tomorrow on a work trip and I can't be arsed to do ANYTHING to get ready for it. I can't look at my clothes ridden floor to find anything suitable to wear. I am going to the Happiest Place On Earth...yes...Disnayland and I just want to cave. That's right...you heard me...CAVE.
I need a week off of life. No work, no people, nothing. I just want to hide in my cave and maybe cry a bit...or maybe just eat leafy greens or maybe I'll just hole up at the gym and DEAL with the weight that I'm packing on.
**********************************
Three Weeks Later....
I STILL can't shake this thing. I've been sick, seemed to be getting better and then sick again. I have had the worst sinus infection cold thingy ever! I don't tend to get sinus colds...I don't think I want to ever again! It was awful to fly with being all stuffed up. I thought my forehead was going to explode!
I'm still dating Bentley though I suspect that I will end it soon. Nothing I am doing seems right so I think I just need to NOT do some things.
I have spent most of my day doing laundry. It's a Saturday so the laundry room wasn't too busy and I even left one washer available for my neighbour. It has taken me 5 hrs to do 6 loads of laundry. I think I have washed everything that I own. Well...not everything as I still have a blanket and 1 sheet left to wash but I'll save that for next week.
I have also cleaned my kitchen and my bedroom. I feel miles better for doing this though I still have a lot of cleaning left to do. I really need to sweep, vaccuume and mop. PLUS I need to clean the bathroom. I think those will fill my day tomorrow.
Tonight I'm just gonna chill out. My next door neighbour has invited me for drinks and a movie. He is really cool and we have a lot in common. Both of us are going through weirdo times right now.
In all my funk what is MOST surprising to me is this. I can't stop thinking about Nelson. I know...it's so silly! It's been 2 years and I am still just as wiggy about hin as I was the day we broke up. I wish I could just get over it. We weren't together for very long and he wasn't very open or honest with me....so WHY am I still hung up on him??
I think about Ronan too. Mostly wonder how he's doing and wishing him the best. I am sad things didn't work between he and I but I couldn't compromise anymore of myself. I had lost myself...I still don't feel very 'found'.
With Bentley things are...well...they just are. I feel apatheti mostly. I'm not feeling anything, I'm not excited to see him, I'm not unhappy to see him...I do have a good time with him...but I am just not feeling the OOOOMPH.
I guess I just need to take some time and figure this stuff out.
Blahhhhhh
Thursday, January 19, 2006
The Marathon - Part 2
Bentley didn't disappoint in his eagerness. He even offered to pick me up from the pub! I walked a small distance from the pub to the local Safeway and hung out until he showed up. I wasn't even nervous.
I enter the car and take him in. He smells good,he's clean shaven and he had a wonderful sparkly smile.
We chat amicably as he drives us downtown. A side stop at Stanley Park and we have our first of many kisses for the night. I luxuriate in the feel of his lips on mine. Our tongues take up their positions and dance with grace and style. I find myself leaning into him as a guttural sound comes from his throat.
Somehow we make it back to my Spanish Abode and I hang up our jackets. As he sees what I"m wearing for the first time he lets out an appreciative sound...it wasn't a growl but it was close enough to it.
Our bodies collide, our lips and hands are everywhere and soon we are totally naked on my bed, No one is going for gold...all hands are roaming quite freely and happily around, over, between and neither of us is in any hurry.
And then something odd happens. Somehow it slows down...somehow we are still and we look into each other's eyes. There is silence and then passion is renewed and there are no more words except for these "How serious are we on the no sex rule?"
It didn't even surprised me to hear that it was me, my voice, my mouth that uttered those words. It surprised me even less when Bentley breathed out "Not very serious at all" I grabbed a condom from my night stand drawer and we were at each other once more.
I can't go into too much detail here. It's not that I don't want to share how absolutely amazing things were, how he did things with his hands, fingers, lips and other bits that literally made my toes curl. LITERALLY....my toes ACTUALLY curled - and here all along I thought that was just an expression!!
Suffice it to say that once I had a bit of the Bentley drug...I was addicted.
In the space of 24hrs I believe that we spent roughly 18 of them naked in bed exploring each other over and over again. There are still places of pleasure I have to learn about him. Sleep was not quite on the menu...textures, smells, and all manner of pleasures were ours to be had. We gorged on each other which did amazing things to my somewhat anorexic sex life.
It was a marathon of sex. 4hrs of intense forplay followed by 14hrs of unbridled passion. I couldn't stop smiling for days. DAYS I tell you!
There's only one more thing I have to say about Bentley right now...
Please Sir....I'd like s'more.
I enter the car and take him in. He smells good,he's clean shaven and he had a wonderful sparkly smile.
We chat amicably as he drives us downtown. A side stop at Stanley Park and we have our first of many kisses for the night. I luxuriate in the feel of his lips on mine. Our tongues take up their positions and dance with grace and style. I find myself leaning into him as a guttural sound comes from his throat.
Somehow we make it back to my Spanish Abode and I hang up our jackets. As he sees what I"m wearing for the first time he lets out an appreciative sound...it wasn't a growl but it was close enough to it.
Our bodies collide, our lips and hands are everywhere and soon we are totally naked on my bed, No one is going for gold...all hands are roaming quite freely and happily around, over, between and neither of us is in any hurry.
And then something odd happens. Somehow it slows down...somehow we are still and we look into each other's eyes. There is silence and then passion is renewed and there are no more words except for these "How serious are we on the no sex rule?"
It didn't even surprised me to hear that it was me, my voice, my mouth that uttered those words. It surprised me even less when Bentley breathed out "Not very serious at all" I grabbed a condom from my night stand drawer and we were at each other once more.
I can't go into too much detail here. It's not that I don't want to share how absolutely amazing things were, how he did things with his hands, fingers, lips and other bits that literally made my toes curl. LITERALLY....my toes ACTUALLY curled - and here all along I thought that was just an expression!!
Suffice it to say that once I had a bit of the Bentley drug...I was addicted.
In the space of 24hrs I believe that we spent roughly 18 of them naked in bed exploring each other over and over again. There are still places of pleasure I have to learn about him. Sleep was not quite on the menu...textures, smells, and all manner of pleasures were ours to be had. We gorged on each other which did amazing things to my somewhat anorexic sex life.
It was a marathon of sex. 4hrs of intense forplay followed by 14hrs of unbridled passion. I couldn't stop smiling for days. DAYS I tell you!
There's only one more thing I have to say about Bentley right now...
Please Sir....I'd like s'more.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
The Marathon - Part 1
I didn’t even know I was in a marathon until it was almost over. I know that seems strange…but I wasn’t training for it or had any forethought of even being in a marathon…I just sort of found myself in one!
I should also tell you that I hate running. But I loved this marathon. That’s cuz the marathon wasn’t one in which I was running…it was one in which I was fucking.
I am not even sure how to tell the tale succinctly. Perhaps I should begin back in December when there was first contact between Bentley and myself.
I guess it all started with a bit of bantering back and forth really. Some witty comments exchanged or observed and then a confession from Bentley to me that he felt I had a certain “Joie de vivre!” Clearly he is observant…for I’m sure we can all agree that my vivre is certainly joie!
I was curious about him…from all accounts his sarcasm matches my own and he was, after all, sporting a freshly shaved head. (yes I have a thing for bald guys…don’t ask just accept).
So when the next opportunity came around to meet with him in person I admit to taking special care to make my appearance appealing. (read I made sure I looked HOT!). Unfortunately, the evening wasn’t at all what I had hoped for. I drank a bit…he drank a lot. I came over to talk to him a few times and he seemed rather unimpressed with anything I had to say, nor did he engage me in much conversation himself. By the time I was leaving I thought I’d give it one last ‘go’. I was met with the complete opposite of what I had thought might occur. In fact…I think he insulted me…though we were both a bit drunk and I wasn’t sure what was going on.
The next few weeks it was a blur of Chrismasness so nothing more transpired between us.
New Years Eve…well…let’s just say that I was too busy trying NOT to kiss boys that I ended up kissing quite a few girls…though somehow did manage to kiss 2 boys in there as well.
I actually was quite taken aback by the first kiss I had with Bentley. It was on New Year’s and it was shortly after 12…probably
I saw the glint in his eye and wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. I was wondering if he was making fun of me at first…until his hand slid up and into my hair, pulling my head gently down towards his lips.
The kiss started off as first kisses are meant to. A bit shy…a bit timid…lips touching lips, slightly parted…waiting for acceptance, luxuriating in the feel of smooth skin on smooth skin. The pressure on the back of my head is a bit more and we just melt into the kiss…tongues gently sliding in, probing, tasting, playing. Lips are nibbled, teeth are grazed and the kiss becomes a bit more passionate…I admit to being the aggressor in that.
I had a 2nd kiss with Bentley on New Year’s right before he left for the night. With that one we were both struggling to take control of the kiss…each one wanting to get the upper hand. Stupid drunk games… I wanted to show him I wasn’t submissive…but he wasn’t either…I don’t know who got bit more – him or me…but I still enjoyed it.
After New Year’s there was silence for a few days. Dust settling to the ground waiting for sun light to dance in.
Soon there was some MSNing…just a bit. Lots of flirting…lots of talk. Then came the time to decide if it was ALL talk…of if there was any substance behind our exchange. A challenge was thrown down by Bentley.
“tell you what. if you can handle a little company tonight, i'd be more than happy to see what kind of sparks we can throw off. no sex...but we can play.”
Play. The word jumped up off my screen, did a little dance and I swear to god it flashed me. It was so delectable, so exciting…so irresistible.
I found myself agreeing and even looking forward to calling. I felt like a woman in total control of her sexuality and I couldn’t wait to see if the written banter we had back and forth could translate equally as frisky in person.
My night went well. I met up with some girlies, we had some laughs and I even danced. I felt sexy without having dressed over the top. I felt witty and flirty with just the right amount of dirty thrown in. Don’t get me wrong;I was having a good time with the girls, but I kept flashing back to the kisses I’d had with Bentley and I found myself looking forward to midnight when I would phone Bentley and make the necessary arrangements.
Too soon or too late it was
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
A magical date
Ok...so I know that I promised to give you the low down on the date I went on a few weeks ago and here it is.
It's not with anyone new...so don't get worried there. In fact, I have known this person for a long time but had lost touch with them about the 5th or 6th month after I started dating Ronan. I did see glimpses of them here and there but never made any time to really connect or have much of a conversation with them.
It wasn't until about 2 weeks before I broke up with Ronan that I recognized this person while at the movies with my friend Anna. As the movie played out...I could hear this person talking and immediately recognized the voice. This was a major factor in my decision to break up with Ronan.
Now...I don't want to hear any sharp gasps or even thoughts that you think I would have cheated on Ronan with this person. In fact...you will be shocked to find out that the person I am talking about is none other than Myself.
Yes...it's true. I am talking about ME.
Since I've been single again I have been thinking a lot about what happened in my relationship with Ronan and why things went so sideways. I have come to discover it was because I wasn't always true to myself in my relationship with him. In order to get back to feeling better, I decided that it was high time I took myself out on a date and got to know me once again.
So it started out pretty casual...a walk down to the local Mega Bucks for my new hot drink of choice....Steamed Apple Cider (plain). I then walked towards English Bay but decided against walking the seawall as that would only remind me of Ronan and our evening walks...so I chose to walk up Davie St instead.
I walk past several cafes, interesting people and some dogs. It's a cold night, but a clear one, so I continue walking. Pretty soon I'm in Yaletown and I remember this neat little cafe and billiards place I used to like to go to. So off I go to The Soho and grab the last available pool table.
6 Games of solo- pool and 2 glasses of wine later I was feeling pretty good. I was 100% comfortable being by myself and playing pool and though I wondered about the appropriateness of the 2nd glass...the wine was very tastey and worth the $12.00 I spent on it.
On my walk home I ran into 2 guy friends of mine who were out and about and sat with them for a bit to visit. I told them that I was on a date with myself and they both agreed that I was being terribly rude to my date by sitting with them. And they were right...the night was about me! Hugs and kisses later I walked back to my Spanish Abode.
Upon arriving at the door to my actual apartment, I took a moment to think about how my ME time had gone. I was so charmed by myself that when I got inside my place, I took advantage of myself and decided it was time to get to know another thing in my life that I had put away for the ENTIRE time I dated Ronan.
That's right....I brought out the thing that goes BUZZZZZ in the night!
The next day I couldn't stop smiling as I went to work.
It's good to date me again...I'm fabulous.
It's not with anyone new...so don't get worried there. In fact, I have known this person for a long time but had lost touch with them about the 5th or 6th month after I started dating Ronan. I did see glimpses of them here and there but never made any time to really connect or have much of a conversation with them.
It wasn't until about 2 weeks before I broke up with Ronan that I recognized this person while at the movies with my friend Anna. As the movie played out...I could hear this person talking and immediately recognized the voice. This was a major factor in my decision to break up with Ronan.
Now...I don't want to hear any sharp gasps or even thoughts that you think I would have cheated on Ronan with this person. In fact...you will be shocked to find out that the person I am talking about is none other than Myself.
Yes...it's true. I am talking about ME.
Since I've been single again I have been thinking a lot about what happened in my relationship with Ronan and why things went so sideways. I have come to discover it was because I wasn't always true to myself in my relationship with him. In order to get back to feeling better, I decided that it was high time I took myself out on a date and got to know me once again.
So it started out pretty casual...a walk down to the local Mega Bucks for my new hot drink of choice....Steamed Apple Cider (plain). I then walked towards English Bay but decided against walking the seawall as that would only remind me of Ronan and our evening walks...so I chose to walk up Davie St instead.
I walk past several cafes, interesting people and some dogs. It's a cold night, but a clear one, so I continue walking. Pretty soon I'm in Yaletown and I remember this neat little cafe and billiards place I used to like to go to. So off I go to The Soho and grab the last available pool table.
6 Games of solo- pool and 2 glasses of wine later I was feeling pretty good. I was 100% comfortable being by myself and playing pool and though I wondered about the appropriateness of the 2nd glass...the wine was very tastey and worth the $12.00 I spent on it.
On my walk home I ran into 2 guy friends of mine who were out and about and sat with them for a bit to visit. I told them that I was on a date with myself and they both agreed that I was being terribly rude to my date by sitting with them. And they were right...the night was about me! Hugs and kisses later I walked back to my Spanish Abode.
Upon arriving at the door to my actual apartment, I took a moment to think about how my ME time had gone. I was so charmed by myself that when I got inside my place, I took advantage of myself and decided it was time to get to know another thing in my life that I had put away for the ENTIRE time I dated Ronan.
That's right....I brought out the thing that goes BUZZZZZ in the night!
The next day I couldn't stop smiling as I went to work.
It's good to date me again...I'm fabulous.
Monday, December 19, 2005
The Follow Through
Alright I know…I’ve been remiss in keeping this up to date. I promise a bit more follow through.
Alright…this is it for today.
Monday, November 21, 2005
The Lovey List
Alrighty! I have spent the last little while wondering what is important to me FOR me. I have come up with a few things and have listed them here. I think that Lists are an important part of my life. I never feel like I am enslaved to them, rather they help me not to be a slave to chaos.
I figure I have 3 key areas of my life that I need to focus my attention on so that I will once again feel more settled and happy.
PHYSICAL HEALTH
* I vow to go to the gym 4 days out of 7.
I don't have to go on 4 consecutive days...but in a 7 day period (typically from Sunday - Sunday) I must go at least 4 times to the gym.
* I vow to walk to the seawall (all 10K of it) on one day of my weekend provided that it is not raining heavily. I have a rain jacket...I can use that if it sprinkles/showers. If it's pouring down rain...I will give it a pass. My goal is health...not pneumonia
*I vow to join a Kundalini Yoga class once more. Further more...I vow to NEVER blow this class off for ANYONE! This class will be MY class. This is something I need to do for myself and I will not compromise this for anyone.
*I vow to cook more of my own meals and to bring my lunch to work every day except Fridays. Friday will be my treat day to eat out at The Salad Loop. (yummy garlic beans)
*I vow to eat my food more slowly...to really chew and enjoy my food and not wolf it all down in 5 minutes.
EMOTIONAL HEALTH
*I vow to be kind to myself. This means not calling myself names or getting down on myself when I make an error.
*I vow to live in the moment. This means letting go of the past and not worrying about what people think.
*I vow to buy myself flowers...at least 10 large gerberra daisies once a month.
*I vow to get up early every day to style my hair, do my make up and face the world with class.
*I vow to give more hugs, compliments and kisses.! Well...for now my kisses are reserved to my two gorgeous nephews.
*I vow constantly pursue my own sense of self worth and beauty. This means getting better acquainted with my body.
INTELLECTUAL HEALTH
*I vow to read one non-fiction book in between fiction books.
*I vow to learn another language. Spanish! New classes begin in Jan.
*I vow to take in more shows at the Art gallery, more Live Theatre and more Live Music.
*I vow to learn about the wines I enjoy so much by attending wine tasting around town.
This is just the beginning. Feel free to add any suggestions. Remember that it has to be inspiring and it has to not harm anyone.
Lovey Dovey Kwerkie.
I figure I have 3 key areas of my life that I need to focus my attention on so that I will once again feel more settled and happy.
PHYSICAL HEALTH
* I vow to go to the gym 4 days out of 7.
I don't have to go on 4 consecutive days...but in a 7 day period (typically from Sunday - Sunday) I must go at least 4 times to the gym.
* I vow to walk to the seawall (all 10K of it) on one day of my weekend provided that it is not raining heavily. I have a rain jacket...I can use that if it sprinkles/showers. If it's pouring down rain...I will give it a pass. My goal is health...not pneumonia
*I vow to join a Kundalini Yoga class once more. Further more...I vow to NEVER blow this class off for ANYONE! This class will be MY class. This is something I need to do for myself and I will not compromise this for anyone.
*I vow to cook more of my own meals and to bring my lunch to work every day except Fridays. Friday will be my treat day to eat out at The Salad Loop. (yummy garlic beans)
*I vow to eat my food more slowly...to really chew and enjoy my food and not wolf it all down in 5 minutes.
EMOTIONAL HEALTH
*I vow to be kind to myself. This means not calling myself names or getting down on myself when I make an error.
*I vow to live in the moment. This means letting go of the past and not worrying about what people think.
*I vow to buy myself flowers...at least 10 large gerberra daisies once a month.
*I vow to get up early every day to style my hair, do my make up and face the world with class.
*I vow to give more hugs, compliments and kisses.! Well...for now my kisses are reserved to my two gorgeous nephews.
*I vow constantly pursue my own sense of self worth and beauty. This means getting better acquainted with my body.
INTELLECTUAL HEALTH
*I vow to read one non-fiction book in between fiction books.
*I vow to learn another language. Spanish! New classes begin in Jan.
*I vow to take in more shows at the Art gallery, more Live Theatre and more Live Music.
*I vow to learn about the wines I enjoy so much by attending wine tasting around town.
This is just the beginning. Feel free to add any suggestions. Remember that it has to be inspiring and it has to not harm anyone.
Lovey Dovey Kwerkie.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Once more into the breech
I can't remember if I used that title for The Single Files....I think I have used it somewhere somewhat recently but for the life of me I can't seem to remember any specifics. Ah well...Shakey baby will forgive my usage of it I'm sure.
I'm sure you are all wondering where the hell I've been for the last month or so. The answer to that is simple...I was hiding from you all. Yes, it's true. I even considered retiring The Single Files due to all the comments that I took far too personally. I'm a sensitive chicky...some comments hurt.
HOWEVER! I can't blame anyone but myself for that. When I started this whole thing off I knew that I was writing some pretty intense stuff and so much of it so honestly and openly that it was only a matter of time before my feelings were hurt. And so la - it happened.
I will continue on with The Single Files and it is unlikely that I will be able to change my open way of writing or sharing...I will just learn to deal with the comments in a better way. This is not a plea for those of you who do comment to stop commenting nor am I asking you to cushion your comments. Don't change, you are wonderful the way you are.
I have broken up with Ronan. It has taken me a while to do that and even longer to post about it, but there it is...done. I'm not going to get into the nasty details of it all. Suffice to say that there was something about camels, straws and a broken back.
I am still feeling blue about it. I am sure that made the right decision and I know that at the end even he knew that we were not a good enough match. It doesn't deminish the hurt...there was a lot of love there at one point. Sadly, love was not enough.
So now that I am single again I will; of course, be getting a hair cut. Yes..a hair cut. I have just managed to grow my lovely locks back again and now I must once more chop them off. I am the Sampson of dating. My hair gives me special dating powers so in order to fully recoup from my broken heart I must chop my hair off and start again.
I am confident that by the time my locks are once more lengthy enough for full on Kitten status I will be once more ready to venture out into the dating world. Until that time...I am on a very serious journey of getting back to ME!
The First Step of the Journey To Me required me to update The Single Files.
For the next little while The Single Files will be a reflection on me being Single...not dating...but facing the every day issues as an active participant in my own life and happiness. This might make for some mundane posts, but I believe that there will be some wisdom and good ol' fashion mental health benefits in there - something which I know I can use right about now.
I believe that in order to focus on this whole process properly...that it will be necessary to make a Loving List. Something that I can look at, work towards, and put into action EVERY DAY to improve myself on 3 key levels. 1) Physical Health. 2) Emotional Health. 3) Intellectual Health.
Alright...off now to compose The Kwerkie Lovey List.
Kwerkie!
P.S.
Dan - I have not forgotten about you and was very pleased to see your link on here. I haven't been reading very much but vow to start my regular viewing habits once more. Congratulations on the new post and I will share my reactions on here for you to see :).
I'm sure you are all wondering where the hell I've been for the last month or so. The answer to that is simple...I was hiding from you all. Yes, it's true. I even considered retiring The Single Files due to all the comments that I took far too personally. I'm a sensitive chicky...some comments hurt.
HOWEVER! I can't blame anyone but myself for that. When I started this whole thing off I knew that I was writing some pretty intense stuff and so much of it so honestly and openly that it was only a matter of time before my feelings were hurt. And so la - it happened.
I will continue on with The Single Files and it is unlikely that I will be able to change my open way of writing or sharing...I will just learn to deal with the comments in a better way. This is not a plea for those of you who do comment to stop commenting nor am I asking you to cushion your comments. Don't change, you are wonderful the way you are.
I have broken up with Ronan. It has taken me a while to do that and even longer to post about it, but there it is...done. I'm not going to get into the nasty details of it all. Suffice to say that there was something about camels, straws and a broken back.
I am still feeling blue about it. I am sure that made the right decision and I know that at the end even he knew that we were not a good enough match. It doesn't deminish the hurt...there was a lot of love there at one point. Sadly, love was not enough.
So now that I am single again I will; of course, be getting a hair cut. Yes..a hair cut. I have just managed to grow my lovely locks back again and now I must once more chop them off. I am the Sampson of dating. My hair gives me special dating powers so in order to fully recoup from my broken heart I must chop my hair off and start again.
I am confident that by the time my locks are once more lengthy enough for full on Kitten status I will be once more ready to venture out into the dating world. Until that time...I am on a very serious journey of getting back to ME!
The First Step of the Journey To Me required me to update The Single Files.
For the next little while The Single Files will be a reflection on me being Single...not dating...but facing the every day issues as an active participant in my own life and happiness. This might make for some mundane posts, but I believe that there will be some wisdom and good ol' fashion mental health benefits in there - something which I know I can use right about now.
I believe that in order to focus on this whole process properly...that it will be necessary to make a Loving List. Something that I can look at, work towards, and put into action EVERY DAY to improve myself on 3 key levels. 1) Physical Health. 2) Emotional Health. 3) Intellectual Health.
Alright...off now to compose The Kwerkie Lovey List.
Kwerkie!
P.S.
Dan - I have not forgotten about you and was very pleased to see your link on here. I haven't been reading very much but vow to start my regular viewing habits once more. Congratulations on the new post and I will share my reactions on here for you to see :).
Monday, October 31, 2005
Aging Gracefully
2 days before my 31st Birthday I had a young girl - probaby aged 17 or so - tell me (and I quote)
"You look so good for your age".
The words hung in the air and I sprouted 3 grey hairs as they clung there for dear life.
So good for my age?? Is she fucking kidding me?? I never thought *I* would be the one to say this but..."Kids these days!" Jayzus! I'm 31 I'm not 61!
I have fallen into a bit of a slump the 2 weeks before my birthday. I guess that I am feeling like I AM getting a bit old. I can actually start to hear my biological clock...it's not a nice sound. It used to be a polite "tick tick tick" in the back of my cerebral cortex...now it has moved it's way to the forefront of my brain with a slightly anoying "Tick tick tick".
It gets even louder when I see my nephews but especially when I hold them. Then its more like a phreaking BOOM than a tick. But once the little ones squirm too much or cry too loudly then the BOOM retreats into a fainly audible "psst psst psst".
Oh who knows...I waffle back and forth on the kid issue. Would I like them? Maybe with the right guy and definitely at the right time. Now is not that time...and if I'm 38 and still haven't found all the elements in place...then I guess I will get some puppies instead - at least they don't talk back!
I have begun to find new things in my life to foucs on. I still love my job and I am actually beginning to think more and more about how I can do more things in the office. I would really like to have more involvment with the advertisement and promotional stuff. Right now Simone does a lot of that sort of stuff and I get the impression from her that she doesn't enjoy it so much. Besides that...she's so phreakin' busy that she doesn't have time for it! So I'd love to learn and take that stuff over.
Also...I can see where this company can grow if we just changed a few of our "set" ideas. There was talk about doing up another Festival and I think that it would be a good time to set the ball in motion for that. I am actually looking at this as where I want to go wtih my CAREER not just how can I feel good about my JOB. There is a difference I think between a Career and a Job. I'd like the first option please.
I think these are signs of maturity. That's nice. I guess I had to start maturing at some time. 31 might be the magic number!
Ok...more another time.
Kwerkie.
"You look so good for your age".
The words hung in the air and I sprouted 3 grey hairs as they clung there for dear life.
So good for my age?? Is she fucking kidding me?? I never thought *I* would be the one to say this but..."Kids these days!" Jayzus! I'm 31 I'm not 61!
I have fallen into a bit of a slump the 2 weeks before my birthday. I guess that I am feeling like I AM getting a bit old. I can actually start to hear my biological clock...it's not a nice sound. It used to be a polite "tick tick tick" in the back of my cerebral cortex...now it has moved it's way to the forefront of my brain with a slightly anoying "Tick tick tick".
It gets even louder when I see my nephews but especially when I hold them. Then its more like a phreaking BOOM than a tick. But once the little ones squirm too much or cry too loudly then the BOOM retreats into a fainly audible "psst psst psst".
Oh who knows...I waffle back and forth on the kid issue. Would I like them? Maybe with the right guy and definitely at the right time. Now is not that time...and if I'm 38 and still haven't found all the elements in place...then I guess I will get some puppies instead - at least they don't talk back!
I have begun to find new things in my life to foucs on. I still love my job and I am actually beginning to think more and more about how I can do more things in the office. I would really like to have more involvment with the advertisement and promotional stuff. Right now Simone does a lot of that sort of stuff and I get the impression from her that she doesn't enjoy it so much. Besides that...she's so phreakin' busy that she doesn't have time for it! So I'd love to learn and take that stuff over.
Also...I can see where this company can grow if we just changed a few of our "set" ideas. There was talk about doing up another Festival and I think that it would be a good time to set the ball in motion for that. I am actually looking at this as where I want to go wtih my CAREER not just how can I feel good about my JOB. There is a difference I think between a Career and a Job. I'd like the first option please.
I think these are signs of maturity. That's nice. I guess I had to start maturing at some time. 31 might be the magic number!
Ok...more another time.
Kwerkie.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Excuse me…has anyone seen my stapler?
One of my all time fantasies has been to have sex on my desk in the office. I had the most delicious dream about it the other night and I just feel compelled to share.
In my dream I was meeting Ronan to pick up some things from my office before heading out of town. I was wearing a very short skirt (VERY SHORT!!) and a low cut top. My hair was perfectly coiffed (this is how you can tell it’s a dream….my hair is NEVER perfectly coiffed unless I just stepped out of the salon…and even then it has a “perfect” life span of about 30 minutes) and my make up was sexy and sultry…in a word….I looked HOT!
“Yes” I moan.
“Click” the stapler replies.
“Ohhh yes, right there” I sigh.
“Click, crunch click” the stapler responds.
“YES…ummmphhh…Yessssss”.
“Click click crunch clack click crunch” the stapler is urging me on.
“MmmMMMPHHRRRRFFFF”.
“CACHUNK” the stapler demands.
“MMMM”
“Click Click CLACK”
“MMMRRFFGGFFFFF”.
“CACHUNK CACHUNK CACHUNK”.
“mmmmmmmmmmmmm….thank you”. I manage after my release.
“click” the stapler politely chirps back.
A quick double check by both of us and we nodded to each other. Ronan turned on the lights as I gathered up the materials I needed for my trip. The cleaners arrived at the door just as Ronan opened it. We both smiled at the cleaner…our faces flushed and my knees wobbly. A friendly hello was exchanged between the 3 of us and then Ronan and I were off….down the elevator and into the basement both of us bursting with laughing.
It was only after I woke up from my dream that I realized how very selfish it all was. Ronan has always been keen about giving me “Kwerkie only” nights of passion and here it manifested itself into dream.
*le sigh*.
Now whenever I look at my stapler at work…I feel a deep blush in my cheeks and a deep heat between my legs.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Just too fly
in the face of popular opinion....I do not feel the need to justify my relationship with Ronan (as bizarre as it may seem to some) to anyone.
I think I need to remind my readers of the caveat I put in my first posting though which I suppose ought to be at the very forefront of my blog. There are LOTS of fictions in this blog...there are lots of truths too. You'll have to figure out on your own which is which.
For all the commentators....I'd like to assure you that I love reading what you have to say. I might not agree with what you post...but it's obvious that you don't agree with all that I post as well. I am still waiting for Giermo to come in and write something absolutely biting, scathing and sarcastic on the "Life's a Gas" post.
Poopey issues aside...I know that you only hear one side of the story from me and you must remember 3 things: 1) that there are TWO sides to every story, 2)I tend to exaggerate beyond reason and finally 3)....I'm not called KWERKIE for nuthin'. I have my own special kind of weirdness that I bring to a relationship. (poor bastards!).
Currently I am feeling very happy. The sun is out, the leaves are falling and autumn is truly my favourite season. I love the very smell in the air. I wonder if it is because my birthday is in the autumn that I feel such an affinity with it or it is just one of those things that is ingrained in me.
Tomorrow I have a shoot out at the O’ Kwerkie Korral with my family. There are some issues to be discussed between my siblings, their spouses and myself. In all of this my Mum has been the steady and rational voice...which will shock and amaze most of you as she is normally the one with the LOOPIEST ideas and "observations". It is for this rare showing of calmness that I've recruited my Mum as mediator.
I am making spaghetti for dinner. I wonder if my brothers will get the irony of that choice of meal. When we were growing up we were very poor and Mum made spaghetti with ketchup (yucky) for dinner most nights. I guess you do what you have to to feed your family on a budget that was tighter than a cat's ass!
I am not going to use ketchup as the sauce so don't fret. It will be spaghetti with my own veggie sauce. No ground beef as.....my sister in law Delilah is pregnant...AGAIN.
Yes that is right. Noah has turned 1 and my brother and his wife decided that they missed having a 'baby' around so they are due to have another one in the last week of May of 2006. If they have a girl they will be the most perfect nuclear family. I think that thought might actually kill me...until I remember that I don't like radiation.
Ah well. I'm not as jealous as that might read. I do wish I could have a family of my own someday and I believe that is in the cards for me. I just need to have a bit of patience.
In the mean time...the sun is STILL shining, the air is crisp and refreshing and the smell of the leaves makes me warm and tingly inside.
Mucho Gusto!
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Life's a Gas
So things with Ronan and I have been very tumultuous. One minute we are kittens and puppies and the next we are fighting like cats and dogs. It's hard on me and my state of general well being and I hate the emotional yo-yo.
Tonight we were out on a date. On the walk home we are chatting happily about this and that and then...due to unfortunate circumstances and cuisine...I pass gas. This isn't the first time I have let one out in front of Ronan. We have been together for 7 months now and I think I may have farted in front of him less than a dozen times but all in the last month or so.
Ronan DEFINITELY has body issues. He refuses to admit that he has to go to the bathroom for a bowel movement. Instead he tries to disguise it as a 'shower'. This basically means that he runs the shower with very hot water while he takes a shit leaving the bathroom a very hot, sweaty and stinky place. It actually reminds me of this disgusting bathroom I had to use while on a road side stop in
The first time we spent 24 consecutive hours together I had to 'do a #2' at his place. This wasn't something I was particularly comfortable with...but I am human and I know that we ALL pass waste through natural and NORMAL bodily functions. I’m a regular sort of gal…I wasn’t going to hold it and have it all back up.
This was a horrible to Ronan. He could NOT get over that I used his bathroom to "do that!". I'm sorry...I didn't realize that I had to leave his apartment and walk 3 blocks to the nearest public toilet at the Pizza Hut down the street.
He is completely upset that I farted in front of him tonight. I have tried to explain to him that I am HUMAN and not some sort of phreak that just farts at will. Still he is not comforted. In fact...he's extremely upset and claims that I have a considerable lack of respect for him if I could 'do that' in front of him.
Right now...even as I type....he is in my bathroom with the shower running. Does he think that I am THAT stupid to believe that he is having a
I am tired of trying to be someone I am not. I am tired of him thinking that women should never admit to having a bowel movement EVER or worse...fart!!!!
Now I want to be clear here. It’s not like I’m lifting up one leg, aiming my ass a him and letting one rip. It’s not like I’m pining him down and farting on his head, nor it it something I’m pushing out with great force and effort. These are the ones that escape before you can get to the bathroom or just sort of sneak up on you. These are the farts that come from eating spicy foods and rumble around in your tummy causing you pain that you simply must let go. It’s not like I’m PLANNING on farting or doing it on purpose for any reason.
When is it OK to fart in front of your partner? Ever or Never? If I can't be 100% comfortable with someone and experience all the normal bodily functions that occur with my lover WITHOUT them phreaking out...then I don't want to be with that person in a relationship.
Aren't we supposed to accept each other including all our faults and foibles? Doesn't Ronan know that I am human like him? Does he think its "normal" to hide the fact that you need to go to the bathroom??? Or worse...hold it for abnormal amount of time because you are too embarrassed or self conscious to use a public toilet….even to take a pee????
There was all this grandiose talk of getting married and having kids at one point. What does he think happens in the delivery room? Am I to try and pretend that having babies is not a bloody and messy piece of work? 97% of women defecate during delivery. This is not an event that they wish to transpire...it just happens with pushing out a baby. I am sure that if he thinks that the mere passing of intestinal gas is highly inappropriate, disrespectful and indeed SOOOO offensive...then clearly having a baby would be beyond a insult!
The shower is still going and I have just heard the toilet flush....he must be done his 'shower'.
More on stupid fear of natural functions later.
Kwerkie - mad as shit!
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
The start of a brand new day
I believe in beginngs. Even when things are ending I think that it's only a beginning...if I didn't think that then I'd probably go mad.
So Ronan and are back at the beginning again. I don't want to go on too much about it as I have been reading my past entries realizing only now just how much I complained. Instead...I wish to focus on another beginning in my life.
I have been given MORE responsibility at work. Yes that's right...despite my rather large mistake at work I have finally been forgiven. I am staying in Vancouver and I will be taking on such arduous tasks as doing ALL the sales call, ALL the trade shows and running our smaller Festival. I am still expected to do about 20 groups though to be honest my personal goal would be closer to 25 groups along with the organizing of the Festival.
I am also beginning a new regime at the gym. It's true...more intense, more cardio and more sticking to my diet. I am feeling rather portly today and depsite the small comfort that my size 14s still fit...I am not happy with the distrubution of my weight. So I need to get down to business and sort this body out! To be honest...it's been since I've seen Lady K 2 weeks ago that this has been plagueing me. She looks soooo good! I would like to try to improve my health as well.
Another beginning will be this blog. I know that the statement seems a bit odd as how can I begin something that I started a year ago...but I am going to make more efforts to be clearer in my writing and to get back my style once more.
The last few months have certainly been sparse on the posting front and most of it is just complaining whiny crap!
Soooo...out with the old garbagee of complaints on on again to the new fresh ideas.
I have noticed a few projects that have never been completed. 1) the rest of the monologues haven't made an appearance. 2) the Dating Citations/Fines have yet to be fully complied and explained and lastly....the Dating Rules themselves have been trapped in my mother's computer for far too long. I have demanded their relase! Chuck Norris is in negotiations right now.
Ok my lovies....more quality soon!
So Ronan and are back at the beginning again. I don't want to go on too much about it as I have been reading my past entries realizing only now just how much I complained. Instead...I wish to focus on another beginning in my life.
I have been given MORE responsibility at work. Yes that's right...despite my rather large mistake at work I have finally been forgiven. I am staying in Vancouver and I will be taking on such arduous tasks as doing ALL the sales call, ALL the trade shows and running our smaller Festival. I am still expected to do about 20 groups though to be honest my personal goal would be closer to 25 groups along with the organizing of the Festival.
I am also beginning a new regime at the gym. It's true...more intense, more cardio and more sticking to my diet. I am feeling rather portly today and depsite the small comfort that my size 14s still fit...I am not happy with the distrubution of my weight. So I need to get down to business and sort this body out! To be honest...it's been since I've seen Lady K 2 weeks ago that this has been plagueing me. She looks soooo good! I would like to try to improve my health as well.
Another beginning will be this blog. I know that the statement seems a bit odd as how can I begin something that I started a year ago...but I am going to make more efforts to be clearer in my writing and to get back my style once more.
The last few months have certainly been sparse on the posting front and most of it is just complaining whiny crap!
Soooo...out with the old garbagee of complaints on on again to the new fresh ideas.
I have noticed a few projects that have never been completed. 1) the rest of the monologues haven't made an appearance. 2) the Dating Citations/Fines have yet to be fully complied and explained and lastly....the Dating Rules themselves have been trapped in my mother's computer for far too long. I have demanded their relase! Chuck Norris is in negotiations right now.
Ok my lovies....more quality soon!
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