Neko Case and MY Boyfriends

There is something about Neko Case that is truely inexplicable. I'be been thinking about this entry since Friday night....it is now Sunday afternoon and I'm still at a loss as to how to tidy this up into a neat little package with a cute little bow. Maybe that is my problem...Neko isn't the kind of artist that is neat or cute or that would wear a bow and no one I know (or would care to know) would describe her voice as "little".

Neko is the kind of artist that helps women find a voice for their despair, maladese and frustration. She is also the kind of artist that ensares men with her soulfull haunting voice and her incredible red-haired beauty.

When I first asked Jon to see Neko in concert with me, I knew he only agreed because it was an opportunity to see me without a thought of his own audio pleasure. I had played "Blacklisted" for him a few times and especially "I Wish I Was The Moon" which he conceeds he really likes, however Jon figures that Neko is pretty "country" and he's not into that.

We met at the hotel and after checking in, we cracked open a magnum of wine. I felt like something out of Henry Miller story...my red wine in a cheap hotel tumbler, the room decorated like a cross between Cirque De Soliel and an African Safari gone wrong, and the TV bolted to the ceiling. There were 2 double beds in the room...they looked smaller than average. I had already figured that sex wasn't on the menu so it didn't bother me.

We chatted uneasily for a few moments before finding a regular sort of groov. Someone rolled a joint...I think it was me. More wine was consumed, some mumble jumble talk was exchanged...neither of us were at our communicative best and I'd like to point out that we hadn't even smoked yet!

We haven't been dating very long...at most 3 weeks and really have only been on under a dozen dates and yet Jon has already managed to spot my cheif weakness. Despite mucho bravado...I am fairly insecure about my appearance.

It's true I struggle with my weight. I used to be about 80lbs heavier than I am now. I spent the better half of a 2 year relationship being told that I was a wonderful loving woman, but that I was simply too fat to fuck. Every attempt at sex was met with initial enthusiasm by The German, but when it came to actual penetration he lost interest as well as his erection. I tried to talk to him about it outside of the bedroom, and every time it was the same answer. He loved me very very much but was not at all attracted to my in any physcial way and until I weighed 135lbs I had better put all thoughts of sex out of my mind.

*** Side note. I am a very tall woman...I'm 5ft 11. I am not a small person and I think that if I ever weighed 135lbs I would look very sickly. Currently I"m sitting at 189lbs and my goal is about 165lbs. ****

So yes...this and other incidents in my past have affected me but I like to think that I have really come along way in the self esteem department. I wear clothing that is form fitting yet flattering. I used to wear what others would call "refugee chique"-very baggy clothes so that you could hardly tell there was a female body underneath.

Anyway...the fact that Jon could spot that both relieved and upset me. Relief because I really am trying to be as open and honest with him as I can without giving away all my secrets. I mean...does someone really need to know every single detail about you? It was upsetting because I do not want to be thought of as weak. I see this as being a major weakness. It's like admiting that I'm putting my happiness into someone else's hands. I just do not want to fall into that again.

We got very high...I can't even remember what the first act sounded like. We got very drunk...I remember crying when Neko played "I'll Be Around". Jon was great...just held me and didn't' say anything. Maybe he didn't notice...maybe he did, I just needed the silence between us no matter what he may or may not have seen. I felt like I was in a dream...it was probably the pot.

Of course I was expecting to see Nelson there...he was the one that got me switched on to Neko in the first place. I think I might have been looking for him initially but as the pot and the voldka and redbull kicked in I forgot about him. Jon and I were swaying to Neko's music, his arms were around me, I felt beautiful. I turned to give Jon a smile and that is when I saw him.

We made eye contact but neither of us smiled, nodded or in any way acknowledged the other. I was struck by how old he looked -"haggared" would be a better word. He's gained a bit of weight...so have I. He was standing next to a thin, pinched face blond woman -his ex-wife...or had the divorce been called off at the last moment? It's mute at this point really.

Jon tilted my face up to his and kissed me. It was a long, slow, sensuous kiss. I don't think I could have planned that better...I don't think it would have come off as good even if I *had* planned that. The concert continued, Neko was fantastic. I was floating. Jon bought me a T-shirt with cash and hash...it still makes me laugh.

After the concert we filtered out into the street like the rest of the crowd. Then we ate horrible things like McDonalds, Pizza and a very spicey wrap. Back at the hotel room I was guzzling back the water in a last ditch effort to ward off a massive hang over. I think I may have even brushed my teeth. Somehow I did change into my nightgown - I chose it specifically for this night. It is sexy without begging for sex. I honestly didn't think we were going to have sex but I didn't want him to maybe not think about it.

We crawled into bed and kisses and cuddles and whispers were flowing onto and between us. I remember at one point saying "no" and explaining that I didn't want to be his In The Mean Time Girl and all the standard stuff that I spew out. And with a slow hot kiss the last of my resolve melted.

I don't mind saying that it was fabulous sex. For as intoxicated as I was -it felt amazing. Jon seemed to be able to read my body very well and I admit I was trying my best to interpret his own responses and needs. The first time was nearly desperate with need and we both got a bit carried away as it were. The second time seemed slower and easier and I was able to relax enough to have an orgasm. Afterwards there was some cuddling before rolling over to our respective sides of the bed in order to sleep.

In the morning Jon was full of full-bodied cuddles and despite my slight hangover, I felt amazing. We chatted and laughed and cuddled and explored each other's bodies once more.

Jon left me at the hotel to take care of some stuff he had to do and I took the opportunity to watch some TV...oh TV...how I do miss you! I ate breakfast at The Templeton and sat at the Super Woman table which I thought was aprapo as I felt amazing despite my wicked hangover.

Reflecting on the evening before I was struck by numerous things. 1) I felt very easy around Jon, pretty and bold and witty and good in general. 2) Seeing Nelson there and having the unique experience of feeling nothing when I saw him was a definitely plus. 3) Experiencing a Neko Case concert with my current boyfriend (am I allowed to use that word now?) and my ex boyfriend and somehow managing to keep her to myself was interesting to say the least.

I still can't believe I have a Saidies T-Shirt that was paid for with hash'n cash. HA!

Friday during the day before I met up again with Jon I played my Neko Case songs at full blast and tried to
re-live the concert...I fell asleep instead.

"This is crazy.
This is crazy.
I wish I was the moon tonight".

Kwerkie

Best (how to get) Laid Plans

Ok....it's Wednesday and I've just come home from a very good Yoga class. I feel like jello. My arms and legs are shaking and yet I feel emensely calm.

I am thinking about tomorrow night and my date with Jon. First off we are going to the Neko Case concert and I can not tell you how excited I am to see her live!!!
Secondly, I have rented us a room downtown so that we can sleep comfortably together without him having to worry about dying from his allergies to my cat, or me being pissed off at his rowdy roomates.
Thirdly...though I keep saying I want to take things slowly with Jon...I am secretly hoping to get laid tomorrow.

Now...before you roll your eyes and tell me that I'm falling back into my same old pattern...let me try to justify this as best I can.

I really have no idea what is happening between Jon and I. He's sending out so many mixed signals like some sort of disfunctional radio. One moment he talks about us in the future, like he's wanting to build one with me...asking me things like "if we were married would you cook all the time?". The next he's telling me that me being excited to see him makes him feel all sorts of pressure and he doesn't need that right now. Umm...WTF? Tokyo...tune in Tokyo!

So here's what I'm thinking. Tomorrow, when we meet up at the hotel and crack open the first bottle of wine...I'm going to ask him if he's dating other women. If the answer is Yes, then my freshly shaved bits will have gone to waste. If the answer is No...then I might have a chance of actually making it to 2nd base with Jon.
******************

Ok...it's Thursday. Date Day. I'm having a quick dinner before hopping in the shower and making sure all the bits that need to be shaved are shaved. I have MSN'd with Jon twice today and still clueless. So fuck it. I'm going to play this as caj, as possible.

I am going to see Neko Case in concert HURRAY. I'm going to drink some wine HURRAH. I"m going to spend the night in a hotel YIPPEEE. That is the extent of my expectations tonight. If anything more developes between Jon and I that is just a bonus. I am done trying to translate his man speak into woman talk.

To be clear here...I don't feel the need to be at the top of his priority list. What I need is communciation.

I'll keep you *posted*

Kwerkie

My own worst enemy

Yesterday I bought 2 Litres of Skim Milk, a large bunch of bananas and some deoderant. Of these 3 items, the only one I truely *needed* was the deoderant. I spent $7.12 at the Ghetto Safeway on Robson @ Denman. Taken in this context there doesn't seem to be anything particularly amiss about the purchase of a few impulse items. HOWEVER...let's examine the entire reason I set foot into the Ghetto Safeway to begin with.

In order for this to makes any sort of sense (and I'm aware it doesn't make *much* sense) we have to go back to January.

I met Nelson in January and we dated for 3 very hot, very passionate weeks. Then he came over to my place and broke up with me because he was afraid of having feelings for me. I must point out that he had quite a physical reaction to what was happening. His face was all red, he was sweating and his bowels were working overtime!

I was upset but I let him go. He wasn't even divorced yet...it was likely better that way.

We met again in late Feb. To be clear...he was walking up the street on the opposite side of me on my way down the street and before I thought clearly,...I was calling his name and running across the street to say hello. (hey...I'm not proud here...I'm just sharing).

Anyway....we ended up dating again. From 01 March to 30 June. It was 4 very fun months for me. LOADS of FANFUCKINGTASTIC sex. But...no emotional connection from him to me. Sad really. I was devistated when he once again ended things with me. I took it very hard and I tried to put as many penises between Nelson and I as quickly as possible. For the record- I only managed one in 4 months....and it was the horrific sex I mentioned in my earlier "Let's Talk About Sex Baby" post...so hardly worth the effort really.

Soooo....I moved from the Craque House to my Spanish Abode (which I love) and it happens to be a scant 4 blocks away from Nelson. This wasn't planned...but just sort of happened. Since we've been living in the same neighbourhood I have since him on the street only a handful of times. It was a bit awkward but I have come to forgive him for the hurt and I honestly do wish him well. He is embarassed at the way he handled things with me (and he probably should be...he broke up with me over the phone after being together for 4 months...not good ettiquette).

One of the last times I saw Nelson I was actually on a blind date that was going no where. When Nelson saw me, he quickly ducked into the 7/11 hoping that I hadn't noticed him. Ah well...I did. I couldn't stand the fact that he felt the need to bolt from me so drastically. So I went into the store and said a quick "psst"

He immediately turned around. Hmmm...caught. He must have known it was me. I doubt I would turn if someont "psst" in my general direction. Anyhooo...he put what I like to call his "fake voice" on and said "Oh Hi! It's nice to see you."
I was feeling particularly fiesty so I said "Oh? Is it nice to see me?"
He laughed, winked and answered a truthful "Yes it is."
I told him I was on my way somewhere (which was true) and then left him. It was only when I had ocasion to go into the 7/11 2 weeks later that I realized he was standing in front of all sorts of women's magazines....Marie Claire, Chatelaine etc...not a Men's Health or Porn Mag to be found teehee.

So I finally feel like I am over Nelson. That I can move on and date other guys etc (entre Jon) and then....then I get a little drunk with Simone (my friend and colleague) this past week, and I walk home....and I see Nelson walk into the Ghetto Safeway.

I had spent most of the night talking to Simone about the various dates I went on with Jon and how despite 4 dates I have zero clue as to what is going between Jon and I (less so now...more soon). So I was feeling a bit weak in the ol' esteem department and probably just weak in general. On my walk home my mind was cluttered with useless thoughts...and then I look up and see Nelson walk into the Ghetto Safeway.

I quicken my pace and after about a minute I too went into the Ghetto Safeway. I walk around the aisles....I look for things to buy but I don't pick up a basket. I see the the back of Nelson...I walk towards him.... Surprise Surprise...it's not him. Just some random 40 yr old with a massive receeding hairline and well tayloured pants. I live in the West End...this should not have surprised me.

I bought my items and returned home and admited to myself that perhaps...just maybe...I am not over Nelson as much as I'd like to think I am. Why would I even try to maintain ANY sort of relationship with him...clearly he didn't want anything more to do with me. It's best to just let it all go.

So now Jon.

He is over 2 hours late for our dinner date. He did call....and for some unknown reason wants to come over and still keep our date. I was famished...I made the dinner and ate it by myself from my new dishes. Last time he was here he was upset at the lack of parking near my place. I can already forsee a phone call telling me that he's given up and gone home.

************************

Ok. So he came over with 2 bottles of wine as an apology. We had hugs and kisses and a good time. He was impressed with my culinary skills and I was impressed with his grovelling. We drank both bottles of wine (yikes) and laughed a lot. Loads of kisses and honest talk. It was nice.

We are off to see Neko Case at The Commodore this Thurs and then I have booked us a room at the Comfort Suites....I'm toying with the idea of sleeping with him...but I'll see how the night goes. We have time...no need to rush that...just that he's super cute and a fabulous kisser!

More another time!

Kwerkie

The Maestro of Desire- a love song.

The Maestro Of Desire

My hand
entwined firmly in yours -
our breathing,
though
out of
synch,
creates music in the room.

The gentle sighing
and murmured moaning
adding colour to the symphony
that is our flesh.

The tympani of
our bodies joining -
floats -
in the air,
as our neighbours bob
their heads to our sounds,
clear in the understanding
that the maestro of desire
is once more conducting.

A flute raises,
a french horn opens
and the trombone
pushes -
then pulls.
Tongues moisten reeds
and gentle breath
coaxes forth a tenor resonance.

We-
the performers-
defer to each other,
sharing the stage
that is our bed.

A cacophony of need
fills
the room…
the maestro plays
with the tempo,
allegro, andante, allegro -
the kettle drums rumble deeply…
insistently.

Crescendos
of cymbals are entangled
with operatic ecstasy
and then-
the performance hall
is once more filled
with soft murmurs
of appreciation
and admiration.
A love song
cumplete.

Sandstorm

If you haven't read "Wasn't That A Party" and the follow up "Lines In The Sand" then some of what is to follow is not going to make much sense to you.

Ok...so a few things have happened in a very short period of time.

1) I have met someone who has piqued my interest and with whom I have been on 4 dates.

2) Dan Brown continues our corespondence much to my absolute delight and surprise.

3) My brief friendship with Giermo has come to a crashing end all because of "truth".


To begin with, let me regaile you about my dates with Jon.

I met Jon off of Lavalife (sigh) and we pretty much had a month of communication via phone and MSN before both our hectic schedules allowed us to meet.

Our first date was uber casual...coffee and a brief walk along the Seawall. We didn't even do half of it as he was running late and had to meet his Mum for dinner. He brought his gorgeous dog Sasha along for our date. So initially we sat for about 10 mins and chatted. He is SUPER CUTE!!!! (ahem) and we got along well. I knew we would get on, but I was happily surprised to be very attracted to him as well.

Our 2nd date we met at Nevermind...an extremely coolio pub close to UBC. It was pretty much an all nighter. We laughed a lot and drank a lot (must cut back on alcohol intake) and we pretty much put the cards out on the table. Neither of us are looking for "friends" but rather are interested in seeing if a relationship could develope between us. Both of us have found our past behaviour of sleeping with someone fairly soon to basically be the kiss of death to a possibility of a relationship so...with that in mind, we are wanting to take things slow and steady and not rush into anything.

That was a HUGE relief to hear from him first! I wanted to ask...Bernard Jones...is that you?? But I refrained. Mostly becuase I thought he'd think me a complete nutter and make a run for it. We ended up back at his place and shared his massive bed...but not our bodies. It was nice to cuddle up to him and we had a few smooches here and there but no major make out session or anything like that. What a lovely change!

Our 3rd date was a very looonnnnggggg walk around Kits/Jerico Beach and nearly all the way to UBC. We chatted and laughed, held hands and had some smooching. Afterwards he treated us to lunch and then drove me home. It was lovely...what a great day...what a wonderful date!

Our 4rth date I treated him to Sushi and later, we grabbed a bottle of wine and went back to the place he's rennovating. We chatted some more...but ne pas de smooching. I am in limbo as to where we go from here. Part of me fears he's gone off me. Part of me thinks I'm being paranoid. Time will tell. I am willing to take things very slowly and just see where it goes.

Ok....so that's the scoop on Jon. There are lines in the sands of desire that I'd like to cross...but all's calm on that front so far.

Next....Dan Brown.

It's interesting to me that Dan Brown is the only person in my blog who's name I have not "disguised" in any way. I think that is perhaps due to the fact that having never met him in person, it doesn't feel like an abuse to use his real name. Aside from that, I doubt I would ever have ocasion to write anything for which he might feel embarassed or otherwise negatively about.

I had supposed that my breif correspondence with Dan would go by the way side as it were. He is a very busy journalist and I myself have a few things on my plate. I had sent him a rather thoughtful (and I had hoped thought provoking) email about how the CBC should broadcast the older, yet exciting, hockey games and I even had a job for poor ol' Don Cherry lined up in there as well. Alas I had not heard back. Still...busy lives on both ends to be considered and I must say that I'm happy the winds of fate have blown the dust off of our exchange a bit.

On the Giermo front there was a virtual maelstorm of events that unfolded. I was initially going to post our MSN conversation (as I keep all my MSN's for pondering and amusement) but I have decided against that. (for now).

Basically...it turns out that Giermo never once thought I was playing second fiddle to Grace. What joy. How fantastic. No...instead...he had a much BETTER reason for all of his actions at his party. ("Look at me...I'm making people happy! Oh...and in case you haven't noticed yet Marg....that was SARCASM" - Thank you Homer Simpson)

Y'see...it wasn't that he was particularly WANTING to cross the lines in the sands of our friendship the night of his birthday part....but that due to an irrational jealousy/competition that he has with Nathan....he most certainly didn't want any of my grains mixing with Natle's or Danielle's. To put it in his own words "There was no fucking way that was going to happen on my watch" Oh yes Giermo...so much better.

The hurt I felt after given that explanation, was too much for me to contain. I just had mud kicked in my eyes. I don't mind admiting that I actually cried. I felt angry, hurt, embarassed, used and so many other things...it was difficult for me to express all of them to him then as they are to you now. I composed myself as best as possible under the desert weight of emotions I was feeling and told Giermo the truth...that I no longer trusted him. He seemed perplexed that our friendship would end over this and he felt that as he had come clean with the truth that somehow that would absolve him. The truth was 3 weeks too late and the fact that he had no idea that this would hurt me just baffels me to no end.

A final note about Giermo. I did get a very heartfelt apology email from him begging forgiveness. He had words of praise in there for me about how wonderful I am and how he hopes we can still be friends etc etc. I have not trusted myself to reply to him as right now I feel I only have acerbic and profanity heavy sentiments to impart to him.

So there you have it...a brief run down on the events of one short week.

With any luck I will have more to say on the Jon and Dan Brown front another time.

Cheers,
Kwerkie

Let's talk about Sex baby!

Sex. It's something that we all talk about - a lot. What I am wondering is...if we're all TALKING about it...is anyone actually LISTENING? Or are we drowning eachother out with our own opinions of good vs bad, tabboo vs turn on, and are we speaking from the heart or talking out our ass???

I have a few motto's when it comes to sex and I'd like to share them with you.

#1 - If you are not having sex with me...I don't care who you are having sex with as long as it harms no one.

Where did the "Sex Police" come from? Why is it anyone's business who is sleeping with whom or what consenting adults ( key words here people...Consenting Adults) choose to do with eachother sexually. This is anything from one on one hetrosexual encounters, to mass gay orgies. Why should you care if it doesn't' involve you?

Honestly...if it has nothing to do with me...I couldn't give a rat ass who you are doing, boning, fucking, screwing, bonking, having sex, making the 2 backed beast or fornicating with.


#2 - Ultimately, you are responsible for your own pleasure -ask for what you'd like, don't be afraid to experiment and above all....have sex with someone you trust.

I just had my 30th birthday a few weeks ago and it wasn't until half way through my 29th year that I was able to have an orgasm WITH a partner. I know it sounds frightening, pathetic and sad...that's because it is! I was always afraid to ask for the things I really wanted...even the most basic things like "kiss my ears" or "slow down" I was always about pleasing my partner and I think that a big part of me felt a lot of gratitude that I was even having sex at all so that somehow I ignored my own pleasure. Don't get me wrong...sex was still fun and felt great...but it really is a different story when you get to have an orgasm too.



How I learned to be responsible for my own pleasure came about when I dated a man this past spring. I had been a few months out of a very distructive relationship and I had forgotten what it was like to feel beautiful or special with a man. Nelson changed all that for me. With him, the compliments just flowed out of his mouth and into my ears.

I always felt very confident and sexy around Nelson -even in the most mundane situations, and that made an amazing difference in our sex life. I would ask for things, demand things, and was the most uninhibited I have ever been. What an amazing feeling to be in total control of your own sexuality and pleasure. The best part is that when you trust your partner and can communicate your desires well, there is no limit to the exploration and the pleasure you can experience.



#3 - Good Sex will never SAVE a relationship, but Bad Sex will KILL it.

This is so very true. How many of us have suffered through bad sex because we thought that the personality of our partner we were having the bad sex with was fantastic? C'mon...raise your hands...we've ALL done it at one point. Now...are you WITH someone now with whom the sex is bad? Im' talking BAD, AWFUL, TERRIBLE. I'm talking that you'd masterbate rather than have sex with your current partner?

It's true that I can't even imagine a relationship progressing past the 3rd attempt at sex if it didn't improve.

Let me give you an example.

A few months ago I went out on a few dates with a fellow with whom I am in Mutal Ostrich Mode with. Our first date was really easy going and fun. No kissing as per my rule. All was good. Our second date involved some alcohol...but this there there was some kissing and that was excellent. Our 3rd date we AGAIN got hosed on too many beers and had a serious make out session that somehow was all about kissing and we never made it to 2nd base. Our 4rth date...once more with alcohol and we made it to 2nd base...Hurray! (A side note...I never thought I would say "Hurrah for 2nd base" in my 30's.).

Anyway...2nd base quickly morphed into "All The Way". It starts as most sessions do. Loads of kissing...passionate deep kisses with hands groping everywhere. Pretty soon shirts are being pulled off...pants are coming undone and we're dragging eachother into my bedroom.

At first it's a lot of oral sex and that's pretty good. He did bite me three times and sucked on my clit like a hoover...but overall it wasnt too bad. I already knew I wasn't going to have an orgasm (too much to drink) but I was happy to play around. We're messin' around for maybe 7 mins...and then suddenly he's done. Just like that. Done. Ok...no big deal. He spends the night and in the morning we go for round 2 (ding ding).

Well this my friends...this was not even worth me opening my eyes for!

First off...he was very pokey. Basically...we kissed for less than a minute when he started reaching down and poking me with his fingers. This was not pleasant. There was no preliminary testing of the waters so to speak There was no long sensuous kissing for me to get all tingly about. The next thing you know he's reaching for a condom (I insist on the use of condoms) and then he unceromoniously shoved himself into me. I tell him slow down...but it's no use. In out, in out, in out, moan, moan, a loud "Fuuuucccckkkkk" escapes his lips. DONE.

WHAT? Are you kidding me?? The entire session lasted...oh...I dunno...at MOST about 3 minutes.

And then that was it. He got off...fell asleep for another 30 mins, then got up, had a shower and left.

WHAT? WHATTTTT????

I saw him to the door and we had some non-commital talk about meeting up again soon etc etc and then with the closing of the door...so ended my ever-so-brief "relationship" with the second worst lover I ever had.

The following weekend I bought a vibrator. Thank GOD!

A side note on personal grooming. I think like most women, I like the way a bit of pubic hair looks like on me. I'm not one for the landing strip, but prefer a bit of a "poof" look with my labia cleanly shaved. When the skin there is so smooth you can't stop touching it yourself...and tongues slipping across feel devine. However, I also like my men to have some grooming habits of their own. Let's face it, no one wants to floss their teeth with pubic hair, so it's nice if they can take some time to trim back the wild growth.

My lover in the above story took this to the EXTREME. He was a pretty hairy guy. This of course means that he had a receeding hairline...I don't know the correlation there but it my experience guys with loads of chest hair (YUM) always seem to be balding. Anyway....he also liked personal grooming...but was entirely HAIRLESS in his nether regions.

This made me feel like I was playing with a snake instead of a penis. Odd. Very strange. The skin was so soft....I felt like I was with a pre-pubecent boy...if it weren't for the wall to wall carpet on his chest.

So that was the case of Bad sex killing the "relationship".

The flip side of this was actually Nelson. The sex with him was PHENOMENAL. Absolutely amazing. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that he was the first partner I had an actual orgasm with...but aside from the Big O the entire sexual arena with Nelson was amazing!
However...he couldn't share his feelings. Couldn't communicate well with me OUTSIDE the bedroom and I never once in 4 months got to meet any of his friends. I felt more like his dirty little secret whore than his girlfriend.

So despite the wonderful, mind blowing sex...that relationship was doomed.


Has Sex Talk been done to death? With all the Sex & The City and Bridget Jones' of the world out there has the horse finally died? Not a chance.

Though I am curious...where are all the men out there who opine about sex? Are they all editing porn mags, Details, Maxim or Men's Health? Surely there must be a Bernard Jones out there somewhere! A really laid back, kinda goofy guy with a wicked sense of humour and a romantic streak the size of a 6 lane highway.

Bernard Jones....where are you??? Please send dating resume and sexual proficiency scores to:
Kwerkie Kuuper
c/o TheSingleFiles@blogspot.com

Lines in the Sand

Ok....we all know by now how much I love the Fade Out and Ostrich techniques. Ocasionally I get very ballsy and tell it like it is...ocasionally.

So Giermo and I had out "talk" and to be honest...it went better than I had hoped. I was mildly amused at how we managed to avoid the topic for a few hours...but I just couldn't let sleeping dogs lie and I asked if we indeed were going to discuss the events of his Birthday Party. I had intended to make him go first...but he apperently didn't need to discuss anything and so it was all about me.

My favourite line from Giermo was "I don't regret what happened". This nearly made me snort outloud. Of COURSE he doesn't regret it. What is there for him to regret?? He got to kiss me, and I don't mind saying, that I'm a fabulous kisser. We fooled around a bit...and that was all fun for him as he was pretty much completely passive after the intial instigation on his part. We couldn't possibly have gone all the way as he had had far too much to drink to make it physcially possible. So of course he doesn't regret it. I thought it was the funniest thing he had said all evening and Giermo can be quite witty at times.

What I had been struggling with all week was what *I* wanted out of it all. I kept going over the events of the night over and over in my mind and I came to the conclusion, that whereas I enjoy Giermo on certain levels...I find it very difficult to communicate with him on any sort of "normal" level. This was very evident from out Wednesday night conversation over the phone. At the end of the day I think that Giermo and myself are probably very similar people...and no good could come of us getting together for anything more than a friendship.

I mentally drew a line in the sand. These are the lines of our friendship that shall not be crossed (again).

And then....and then there is Gryffin. I have been waiting to blog him due to the fact that I knew Giermo was going to read my blog and I didn't want what I write about Gryffin to have influenced the outcome of our "talk".

Gryffin and I met in early September. We got along like a house on fire and the chemistry between us was unmistakeable. Gryffin has the unique effect on me to actually calm down my busy energy and I enjoy the silence that falls between us as much as the ideas we exchange.

Sadly, Gryffin was dating other women and had one in particular that he wanted to pursue. Ok...no big deal. So life went on for me in the usual manner. Then unexpectedly I got a phone call from Gryffin - who later admited that it was indeed an error as he was trolling through his phone and accidentally phoned me instead of his buddy Kevin. So we chatted pleasantly for a while and then said our good byes and take cares etc.

The following week I saw him at a concert I went to by myself. He sat with me the entire time and we had a great night of music and flirting. I noticed that the girl he was seeing was no where to be found yet she called him no less than 3 times in one hour. (yikes). Gryffin drove me home that night and there were great hugs between us. I had a really lovely night with him and though it was a bit flirty at times, we were both on our best behaviours.

The week after that I get an email from Gryffin saying that he's bummed as the woman he was seeing has ended things and did I want to get together for coffee and a walk around Stanley Park?

Ok...so you can already see where I am thinking "Wow...2nd choice. Yipppeeee". (insert Acme size anvil sarcasm here)

The problem here is that I am too nice. I forgive and forget far too easily. I hand out second chances like a priest at a soup kitchen. What I *should* do is forgive...but not really forget.

Anyway......I saw Gryffin the Sunday after Giermo's party. We hung out, laughed a lot, had a lot of quiet moments and Gryffin and I cuddled up on my couch together. He smelt like bergamot and pet my hair. Gryffin ended up staying until quite late and our evening ended with a very long hug at my door.

That week I saw Gryffin the same night that I spoke to Giermo on the phone...that night I knew it wasn't going to work out between Giermo and myself as everthing we (Giermo and I) said to each other annoyed the crap out of me.

Gryffin came by and listened to my rant about Giermo, work and my Mum. I was initially embarassed to tell him about the goings on at Giermo's party...but Gryffin is a pretty liberal guy and took it all in stride. After my exhaustive rant Gryffin quietly schooched over on the couch and gave me one of his long silent hugs. I pretty much just had a melt down. He smelt like patcholi, pet my hair and gave me soft kisses on the top of my head and forehead.


When I came back from my short trip (only 3 days) I called Gryffin and I felt a bit funny about it all. I knew he wanted to see me that night but I wasn't really up for it and besides...I had Giermo to deal with. I began to think that it would just be all about sex between Gryffin and I and not an actual relationship and I wasn't sure if I just wanted to have a bed buddy or just what I wanted.

We agreed to meet up the next night. It was lovely. He came over with a gift of my favourite hot bevvy from the MegaBucks down the street. I can't believe he remembered what I liked! (Extra hot, Soy, Tazo Chai Latte if you are interested) We chatted for a while and we cuddled on the couch and it was very lovely. I felt lovely. We even made plans to head to the sauna's on Tuesday (2 days from now) to celebrate his birthday.

Now don't get me wrong. I"m still not sure what this is between Gryffin and I. I am still surprised that I can feel so calm around him...normally I'm fliting from room to room or topic to topic and I've often wondered what the line is between having a short attention span, being ADD, or just general restlessness.

*****************
Back from the Sauna's with Gryffin. So it's official. He would like me to be his "In The Mean Time Girl". Fuck it.

We went to the Buddhist Chinese Kitchen in China Town and my fortune cookie was quite fortuitious! It read "Set your mind to it. Confidence is going to see you through". Before, during and after dinner there was much flirting between Gryffin and I. Lots of hand holding, squeezing, caressing. We get to the sauna and we both go nude (I'm a serious nudist).

It was wonderful to sit there in silence with the sauna so hot I felt I was melting and the eucalyptus in the air....absolutely wonderful.

Gryffin reaches over and starts to rub my back, my legs and leans in for some action. I stop him. I don't want to be his whore and I know that he's not quite in for a relationship. So the answer is No Thank You. All or nothing buddy. You are not a friend with benefits no matter how much I am attracted to you or how well hung you are.

We chatted about it...he said he didn't know where his heart was but that he's very attracted to me and wants to kiss me and caress me and blah blah blah. Big fucking deal. I don't need this crap. I am NOT second prize here and I am NOT a whore. Forget it.

The remainder of the sauna was fine for me...though I suspect that Gryffin felt a bit awkward. Afterwards he drove me to his place and I had a look at all the renovations that are taking place at his house. He certainly has a lot of work ahead of him. Then he drove me home and we had our usual long silent hug followed by a kiss on my forehead.

I feel great. These are the lines drawn in the sand of our friendship....they shall not be crossed.
I have set my mind to it. Confidence will see me through.

Kwerkie

"Wasn't That a Party"

Wowzers.
I went to one of the BEST parties on the weekend. My "friend" Giermo (happy?) turned 35 on Friday and hosted what will be a very memorable party...if only I can remember all of the events that took place!!

I know you are already wondering about the quotations I put around the descriptive qualifier for Giermo and I promise to get to that a bit later. Right now I want to talk theme songs.

Music is a HUGE part of my life and I know this may sound odd - but throughout my day -depending on what I'm doing and what's going on around me- I have different songs that run through my mind. This is how this story is going to be told...with the help of the songs that were a part of my night.

Friday, 22 OCT 4:35PM Theme song "Shopping" Pet Shop Boys - from the album "Actually" released in 1987.

I had been struggling with what to get Giermo for his birthday and had a few really good ideas...but felt pretty unsure of how they would be received. After all, Giermo and I don't really know each other very well. My initial thought was to get him a 2 year subscription to "sub-Terrain" - a Vancouver periodical that publishes local writers - the content is often is often very "gritty" (my word). Have a look and see for yourself.
http://www.subterrain.ca/subterrain/main.htm

Unfortunately, the next one to come out would be in January, and I was unsure how he'd react to a postponed present...no matter how cool I thought it was ;). teehee. My next thought was to get him a CD or DVD. Now...this posed a bit of a problem as I didn't want to buy something that *I* wanted and have it not match his tastes. So I settled...and I hate settling...but I did anyway. I bought a few gift certificates from A&B Sound...that way he can get music or a movie and it will be just what he wanted. I hated the impersonal aspect of it all...it smacked of last minute half hearted gestures...a second thought. Turns out the evening was full of those (wait for it...wait for it)

I felt a bit flat from buying the gift certificates so I decided to take some time and do something that would make me feel better...I continued bobbing my head to the Pet Shop Boys "Shopping" and went to Old Navy. I had been meaning to get some "fun business" clothes for my upcoming conferences in Saskatoon and all over various parts of Alberta. I had a blast...I love that store. I ended up with a pink top, blue argyle-ish skirt, a white top and a very lovely fuzzy blue sweater. My shopping done I walked home and then to the gym where I had a really really hard workout. It had been a while since I had pushed myself that hard and when I left the gym I was feeling a bit sore, absolutely starving and 100% Fab-U-Lous!

Friday, 22 OCT 7:25PM. New Theme Song. "My Love Is Like Whoa" Mya - from the album "Moodring" released in 2003

I planned on getting a wee bit drunk at Giermo's party...so I made a carb heavy dinner hoping that it will aid in soaking up all the alcohol that I was going to consume. Yummm veggie pasta!

After dinner I had a shower, actually spent time styling my hair, and got dressed in my new skirt and pink top. I also choose to wear a pair of very funky tights I had purchased the month before. I applied my make up as usual - subtle and light. I decided on wearing my glasses to complete my school girl look...I wished my hair was longer as I would have worn it in a bun or perhaps pig tails. I felt confident, sexy and ready to meet a lot of new people.

I was aware that the only person I would know would be the Birthday Boy himself...and perhaps his friend Nathan whom he brought to my party -though I hardly exchanged more than 10 words with the fellow. Giermo had already warned me that the party was going to be female dominated but I was secretly hoping to meet a nice guy to flirt with anyway. After a quick phone call to Giermo to reconfirm the address, I hopped a cab and headed over.

I arrived and immediately felt nervous. What was I doing??? I'm about to walk into a room that held a bunch of strangers...most of them women. Now...as I woman, I can accurately say that as a gender...we are pretty "judgy". We criticize other women in particular in order to gain some sort of sense of self worth. It's disgusting jackal behavior and I admit that I am prone to it as well. Surrounded by my own posse...I can be vicious and hilarious simultaneously at the expense of another female that is outside my pack. I start biting my lip - a nervous habit I developed at the age of 6 and haven't been able to kick 24 years later. My lip begins to bleed as I buzz Giermo's apartment. Oh well...deep breath...nothing for it now. Just remember the Theme Song....I''m like WOAH!

I get up to Giermo's apartment and immediately see Nathan. I think my sigh of relief was audible even over the soul full Jazz music that Giermo had going on. Hugs and Kisses and then I see Giermo and then even More hugs and kisses. Giermo is lookin' sharp. I scan the room and it seemed pretty even on the guy vs. girl front but it's obvious that nearly everyone there was a couple. Giermo fixes me a drink and then I move about the room introducing myself.

Fri, Oct 22 9:45PM New Theme Song "Get This Party Started (Remix)- Pink featuring Redman -unsure of the album as it is a re-mix but I believe the year to be 2003.

I sit next to Xander and Erin - Giermo's oldest brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law. I get along very well with Erin and we do the normal small talk. What do you do for work, how long have you been doing that, what part of town do you live in. And then she hits me with the BIG question. "How do know Giermo?". I laugh to stall for time and decide that honesty is going to be my policy for the night.

I told her about how Giermo and I met off of Lavalife back in July, had a few dates but that he decided he just wanted to be friends. Now...this story isn't the entire truth...but none of it is a lie either. This dance of "friendship" between Giermo and I grows even more complicated as the evening wears on.

Soon more people arrive and now I am having a very animated conversation with Erin and Stacie (Stacie is Giermo's younger brother Michael's girlfriend). At one point, Stacei asks me how I know Giermo and I give her the same line I gave Erin. Then the 2 of them turn to each other and talk about me as if I weren't there. How nice I am, how funny, how I'd be perfect for Giermo and what was his problem anyway??. This made me feel both good and uncomfortable at the same time. Yes I am a beautiful, intelligent woman with a wicked sense of humour who would be a great catch for any guy(yes yes...but this is MY blog and I can be as egotistical as I want to), but at the same time...did I want to pursue something more with Giermo and am I doing him any favours by telling his friends and loved ones how we met and how it was his decision to place me in the Friend category? I was already on my 3rd drink and I still had no answers.

I move around the party and end up having a great conversation with Giermo's mum Shelly. What a quirky lady. I think she is very similar to my own Mum and I immediately like her. At one point in the evening we were talking and I interrupted her (yes...I know it is rude) and she said "Shhhh dear" to me. That only made me like her even MORE!. teehee.


Scads more people arrive and I meet Giermo by the fridge to refill my drink. He offers me a special drink...one he'd like to prepare especially for me. I am smiling from ear to ear and I believe that Giermo is actually flirting with me. "How odd" I thought. I ask Giermo which woman at the party is the chicky he is pursuing. He points her out and I am taken aback by her quiet beauty. Yikes. I am convinced now that Giermo was only being a friendly drunk with me and that clearly I do not fit his tastes in women. Still, I was having too good of a time to let something like that bother me. Besides...Giermo wants to be my friend and I shouldn't be wanting to kiss my friends.

I thought that if I spoke to Grace (the woman) that I could absorb some of her grace. I know that sounds silly...but I was working on my 5th drink here, and I am aware that I am a lot of things...but graceful isn't one of them. I squeeze my way to her circle of friends and we begin chatting. I started to sense some tension between Grace and I and I found it more and more difficult to look her in the eye. What was going on? I don't think I was in any way rude, I was asking questions, interested in what she and Patsy had to say....yet I couldn't help but feel this wall of ice developing between her and I. I grew more and more uncomfortable and decided to excuse myself off to the bathroom.

In the quiet and darkness of the bathroom ( I didn't turn the light on...just went with the candles burning) I had an epiphany. Perhaps Giermo had mentioned me to her in some way and she was feeling a bit insecure...though for what reason I had no idea of. I made a mental note not to flirt with Giermo for the rest of the party.

I emerged refreshed and renewed from the loo and so off I went to mingle. I chat extensively with a Tom Cruise look-alike (though to be fair, I believe that Kieth is much better looking than Tom Cruise...I'm not the biggest Tom fan), a fellow named Joe, a guy named Tim and a woman who's name I never did catch. I regale them with my Justin Timberlake story and there is much laughing. I spy Nathan by himself so I go over and have a wee chat with him.

I want to be clear here-Nate has a unique look and is an attractive man, but I'm not actually attracted TO him. I am, however, attracted to Nate's's use of words. I wanted to close my eyes and have him just speak softly into my ear. We started talking about Shakespeare and I am fully aware that a) I'm very drunk, b) I'm flirting with Nate outrageously just so he would continue to speak to me and c) Giermo and Grace are out on the balcony and they are having what looks to be an uncomfortable conversation.

Time passes in a blur of laughter and drinks. I have said my goodbyes to Xander and Michael and had great heartfelt hugs from both Erin and Stacie. Shelly pats my hand and tells me it was nice to meet me. I watch them leave and I wonder if I'll see any of them again.

Ah-but wait! I am not supposed to think like that and flirting with Giermo has already got me into trouble once that night. Right. Mental note - 6th drink or no- no more flirting with Giermo!! We're friends now. Friends don't flirt.

And now here is the background on how Giermo and I became "friends". We met off of Lavalife in July. We had 2 fabulous dates (well - they were for me) but on our 2nd date- Giermo pulls out the fags and starts puffing away. Yikes! A smoker! I was crushed! He's witty. He's smart. He's handsome. He's tall. He's interested in what I have to say and I find him interesting in return.

You know what they say "nothing is worse than a reformed smoker" and I am a total testament to that statement. For the rest of our date I struggled with the knowledge that he smokes. We ended up at his place and I figured that I'd see what a kiss would do to this situation - but alas- Giermo didn't make a move on me at all. There was no opportunity for me to be subtle here.

So, after a while Giermo drove me home and we didn't really talk too much in the car on the way to the "Crack House". I think that both of us were unsure of what we wanted from the other...if anything. I gave him a hug and a hand squeeze and got out of the car.

After that, we basically didn't talk for an entire month in any form...and then one day in October I get an MSN from him informing me that he has a woman with whom he's interested in pursuing a relationship with, but he'd love to be my friend if my "Friendship Card" wasn't too full.

I really like Giermo and his keen wit, so of course I accepted. Besides it's nice to have good looking guy friends. I invited him to my Birthday party and though I didn't get to spend much time talking with him, his company was more than welcome and he was nice eye candy for me at the very least.

Back to the party.
Fri 22 OCT 11:45PM New Theme Song. "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" Cindy Lauper from the album "She's So Unusual" released in 1983.

I'm in the kitchen fixing myself yet another drink when Danielle comes up to me and we start talking about girlie things like hair. Danielle has great hair. Long, very dark -nearly black hair and it's simply gorgeous. I tell her I'm envious of her hair as I recently cut mine short to repel men. She then tells me that I'm so gorgeous that it would take more than just cutting my hair to repel men. She gave me some great advise on how to handle unwanted attention and she gave my ego a serious boost - .like it needed more that night. HA!

She then asks me how I know Giermo. "Once more into the breach" I thought. So I tell her -.but I go too far. I tell her that I was having a difficult time at the party not flirting with him and respecting the fact that he's not interested in me and is instead chasing another woman. Ho Hum. Poor Me. It was the kind of talk that the 7th or 8th drink is made of.

We start to walk back into the living room and we pass by Giermo...I think...I am not sure- my memory is hazy right about now. Something happens and I'm upstairs in Giermo's bedroom with him talking about music. Then the next thing I know - Giermo kisses me.

Here's what went on in my head: WOAH. Nice kiss. Please sir I'd like s'more. (and so we kiss again). Fabulous kisser-nice lips-just the right amount of tongue. Oh oh! Wait a minute. Where's Grace?

And then I pull back. I ask him about Grace. There's some sort of UBIQUITOUS (happy word of the day) answer about "If she were my chicky she'd still be here". And then Giermo asks if he could be bold, to which I replied I thought he had been already - but he continued on and asked me if I would spend the night.

Alarm bells were going off in my head - which was pretty much a miracle considering how many drinks I had with which to drown them out. I stammer out an answer along the lines of "We'll see" and "If I did it's with the full understanding that there wouldn't be any sex" Because really - this is what I am thinking: Grace left and now he's looking for a birthday romp - and I don't want to fill that role. I am NOT the consolation prize, I am NOT second chair and I refuse to let anyone think that of me.

Danielle comes up the stairs and Giermo and I end our awkward silence by filling the air with meaningless chatter with Danni. Giermo goes downstairs and I chat away with Danni while browsing Giermo's cd's. Yes well - then Danielle and I are sitting very close to one another...her hair smells great...she leans in...I'm leaning in...and then we're making out like bandits!

I'm aware that Giermo is likely coming back up the stairs and this makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being caught out doing something I'm not supposed to. But I enjoy kissing Danni -what a different experience it is to kiss a woman. She's soft all over. My hand slides up to her right breast and soon I don't care if Giermo is watching or not.

Eventually I break contact with Danni. We go downstairs. Grace has evidently left and the party is dwindling down...a bit. It's 2AM and there are still 8 people or so there. We're all sitting in a circle and Tim brings out a pipe. Nice! What more could I want from this party? A guy I'm interested in kissed me and expressed interest, and I'm going to ignore the alarm bells for now and pretend it's all honest and good, I got to kiss and feel up a sexy chicky, I'm hammered...and now I'm going to get stoned too! This party ROCKS!

Somehow I end up sitting between Danni and Nate and slightly across from Giermo. Not knowing Giermo very well I have no idea what the look he is giving me from across the room means at all. Danni is trying to convince me to go home with her. I am politely declining. Suddenly everyone wants me in their bed and I am feeling that no one's motives are exactly honest or honorable. Least of all Danni's whom I think intends to share me with Nate. As mentioned before - Nate is an attractive guy -just not for me. And besides...I don't share well.

More time passes and thank god I moved on to juice and water. I don't recall how everyone left or at what time or anything like that. I remember feeling very nervous to be alone with Giermo and I start cleaning up - like some sort of drunk molly maid-madly swerving from living room to kitchen and not really accomplishing much.

We are both as drunk as each other. Giermo mumbles something about me making my intentions well known through out the party. That I am the obvious choice. That I fit in well. That I was a perfect addition to the party. All of these things he is saying and I have no idea what any of it means.

I mention my biggest fear. I do not want to be the consolation prize. I am glad when he agrees that he can see where I would think that, but assures me that it is not the case. His slurred words do little to comfort me. I use his toothbrush, wear his T-shirt and we go to bed.

We make out-there's some fooling around. I am wondering why he's not trying to touch my breasts...or really anywhere. I start to feel cheap. I stop. A few minutes later we're at it again. Then just when I think it's getting interesting...Giermo tells me to stop. I am deflated. I turn over and pass out.

Sat. 23 OCT 9:00AM New Theme Song. "Sunday Morning After" Amanda Marshall from the album "Everybody's Got A Story" released 2001.

The sun is out and the room is bright and I feel ratshit. The alarm goes off and Giermo shuts it off immediately. My god! I can't believe I have to get up. My head is the size of Science World, my mouth is as furry as my cat and I think that I did something awful to my right pinky finger because it hurts almost as much as my head.

I lay in bed with Giermo and we're spooning. I feel a quiet comfort with him. I'm at ease. I didn't want to move but my bladder was insisting that I do. Giermo tells me to get back in bed - I wished it were that simple. I go pee and come back to bed. I crawl into Giermo's arms and I feel good despite feeling like shit.

We chat easily about this and that and about the events of the night before. I think that Giermo is very upset at my kissing Natalie. I start to feel very odd. I remembered then about feeling like second choice. I am conflicted and hurt from how passive Giermo was when we were fooling around. I start to feel unattractive, oafish, clumsy even while lying still. My killer hangover is NOT helping any of this.

We eventually get up, I get dressed in my clothes from the night before. We cuddle on the couch, watch a movie-sometimes holding hands, sometimes not and I am trying to keep my wild thoughts at bay. What is Giermo thinking about me? What have I done here if not told him it's OK to be the consolidation prize -exactly what I said I wasn't the night before.

The end of all of this is the worst part. Not only do I have to do the Walk Of Shame in my clothes from the night before-but Giermo's parting words to me were: "Well...I guess I'll see you on MSN or something. Thanks for coming. Byeee!"

I had intended to take a cab home - but the 45 minute walk (give me a break! I was feeling very physically and emotionally delicate) did me some good. I got home at around 2PM and slept most of the day away. I tried to pretend that the party was just a dream-but at the end of the da-.I had a blast anyway. The good far outweighs the bad.

Sat, 23 OCT 2:35PM. New Theme song. "Wasn't That A Party" The Rovers-from the album "Party Album" released in 1980


And now...now I suspect that Giermo and I will have a chat and I am fully prepared for him to give me the "It's not you it's me" speech. I just hope that he doesn't turn into the Ostrich...that's my trick.

Cheers
Kwerkie

Around the World in 80 Guys

Lavalife is a world wide phenomenon. People from around the globe can sign up on it and meet locals or international peoples. I once read an article that a single dad from Norway married the Queen of Ghana having met through an online dating service. This gives you some idea of the distance that can be covered via cyber space.

Now I don't know about you, but I have a hard enough time having a healthy relationship with a LOCAL dude and can not fathom the obsticles that would occur in a long distance relationship. Yet I constantly being "smiled at" or emailed by men who are as "close" as New Orleans and as far away as Iraq.

There is one fellow in particular about whom I want to share some info. On Sept 13th I get a smile on lavalife. Without reading the fine print (ie where the guy is from) I read his profile and saw his photos and smiled back. Basically...I was so stunned by his photo that I couldn't help myself. He is; in a word, gorgeous. And this is just a run of the mill photo of the guy...at a BBQ, jeans & a t-shirt, his Colgate smile and sparkling eyes.

Sep 15th I get an email from Grant. The gorgeous dude. I then find out that he's a US Marine currently stationed in Iraq. He tells me quite a lot about himself. He grew up in S. Carolina, speaks English with a southern accent, Greek with an English accent and German with no accent at all. He enjoys reading true crime stories, classics like Shakespear, Donne and Sucklin, loves good New York Cheesecake, Chicago deep dish pizza, his family, his friends and his country. Would love to meet a woman who loves the outdoors as much as he does and who can cook with passion in the kitchen and the bedroom. Attached to the email Grant has given me access to his "backstage". This is a section where you have other photos that are hidden and you might write a few more personal details about yourself.

*Side note* I take ALL things from lavalife with the grain of salt. I believe that there are mountains of fiction with some grains of truth in these guys profiles. I would like to believe that they are all telling the truth...but I have had too many dates for that to be a serious consideration now. When Grant informed me he is stationed in Iraq I gave my screen a sarcastic smile and said "Sure you are buddy".

Out of curiosity (and I am a VERY curious person) I opened Grant's backstage pass. OH MY GOD! I wished I had any talent as a visual artist. I wished I could draw....with charcole I thought. There were a few photos of Grant dressed in his Marine fatigues, some with jeans & t-shirt, and then...then there are 3 photos where you can truely appreciate the beauty that can be a man's body. 1 photo Grant has his shirt off and is standing in front of a US flag drinking a beer. He looks like he's having a good time and is clearly smiling into the camera. His chest is extremely well developed. The man is CUT. He has a very well defined six pack and though I don't normally go for musceled dudes....Grant could make me change my mind. Another photo he's lying down on his bunk though it appears that he's about to get up....all his muscles are cleanly defined. yummm. The last photo he's in board shorts and it's a great photo of his ass! teehee. His body is stunning. He has no chest hair but I appreciate his look anyway (yes...I love chest hair on a man.)

I finish drooling over him and then I compose my reply. It is simple and not big on words but full of thanks, compliments for his obvious healthy lifestyle but has the regretful line "I just don't see us being able to bridge the distance or political beliefs". I explain that I am a real pacifist and whereas I know he's in the employment of the US military, I can not in any way, find it anywhere inside of myself to support the US ocupancy of Iraq. I wish him luck and well and leave it at that.

4 days later I receive another email from Grant. He describes the events in Iraq, what he sees on a daily basis, the suffering of the people on both sides of the "conflict". He further tells me that he's had a rough few days but to see my reply and my kind smile with my "pooling eyes of wisdom" (what??? is that from Suckling?? I hated the Cavalier poets....Lovelace, Herrick, Suckling....soppy crap) made it worth it. He says he dreamt about meeting me in a lush green park near his hometown. That we had apple pie, good conversations and passionate kisses.

Ummm...hellooooooo. Earth to Army Boy - Fantasies are great, and I don't want to take them away from you- afterall I have a sophmoric crush on a mere BOY who works at a coffee house....I dream about his soft lips and rough peasant hands....but c'mon. Let's not pretend we can build a relationship via cyber space and have it all be sunshine and happiness.

I begin to think that Grant needs some good porn mags (are there such things as good porn magazines?) or maybe a good novel or two to keep his mind off his surroundings. I am just not interested in trying to persue this in any way. What good could come of this?

I decide that I will not reply. I delete his email and move on. I became very busy and hardly checked the site at all over a period of 8 days. When I logged back on there were no less than 5 emails from Grant.

Most of them read like a combination of confessions and fantasies. He is "plagued" night and day by wonderings of me. Why have I not replied? The suffering of the people is unbearable on his soul, he hates the military but saw no other recourse for his education. He is home in Feb for 45 days. He wants to run barefoot in the park. Wants to play baseball with me. He wants to be quiet in my presense. He's done things he's ashamed of. He's seen things that have made him vomit. He held a child's hand who had less fear that he himself posessed. He wonders what was said to make me smile like I am in my photo. He thinks of me as his angel in my white dress.
His email is jumbled...thoughts are random.

I spend a few days reading his emails over and over again. I decide to reply in 3 lines.

"Dear Grant,
Whereas I appreciate all the kind things you've said in your emails, and the sharing of your daily life, I do not wish to persue this in any way. I wish you the best of luck and those quiet moments you crave. "

Grant replied to me in two words. "Fuck you".

Wow. Ok....NEXT!

So now...now I have a British dude. 45 years old. Single dad. Lives in Leeds (don't tell him, but I'm a Leeds United fan) . I have received 2 emails from him. I have not replied at all to them.

I think I need to put a disclaimer on there....LOCAL MEN ONLY.
sheesh

Part of the draw they may have (aside from my stunning photo I mean) is that I love to travel and have done quite extensively. I have been to 13 countries and 5 continents....I have not travelled *nearly* as much as I would like to. I mention this in my profile on lavalife and I think that my gypsy feet are pretty attractive to the average dude.

I am also the UN of dating. I have only ever dated 2 Canadians. Other than that...my dating history reads like a geography lesson. I can't help it!!! I'm attracted to unique individuals. I have dated a goofy Irishman, a strict German, a fun S. African, a happy-go-lucky Scotsman, a witty Englishman, a bland Italian (I know..I was surprised too), party animal Austrlians (3 of them) and one very sensual American.

I admit part of the allure is the accent....part of it is devling first hand into the culture and the other part of it is that they have all been very interesting men.

What is that they say about sailors?? They've got a girl in every port? I wonder if I'll have mail from around the globe.

Righty-oh. Nuff fer now!

Hugs and kisses and whatever else your culture requires for friendly goodbyes...
Kwerkie

On Cops and Rubbers

I don't even know where to begin here really.

Maybe this should start with a confession. I live in Vancouver. It is exceedingly hard to meet people in this city...especailly difficult to meet STRAIGHT guys who are somewhat normal, somewhat close to my age and who do not come with a ex wife and kids. So I have joined an online dating service. *gasp* I know I know...I never thought I would either...but none the less...there I am. www.lavalife.com
You too can join! Hundreds of people are just DYING to meet you!!!!!

My photo is posted in a tiny box and I am forced to describe myself and what I am looking for in 1000 words. HA! Like I can be defined so easily! People please. Still...I made a valient effor and have been on several dates. Some were good, some were amusing some were awful and then...and then there is Chris the Rent-A Cop.

I initally beleived Chris to be an actual VPD dude. A "Real-Live-Dead-Crunchy-Frog-Leg" Cop. But alas no, he is a security guard and bouncer for a few nightclubs and events that are around Vancouver. Ok...a Rent-A-Cop - no big deal.

How the system works on this online dating thingy...is that you browse litterally HUNDREDS of adds. You see photos, you read profiles and you make contact with those that you think would be nifty to know.

I go through all of this with Chris the R-A-C. We exchange a few emails. We MSN. We even talk on the phone. He is a normal dude with some bizzare sleep habits, but other than that...normal...right??

Ummm...yeah...not so much.

I meet Chris at Benny's Bagels in Kits. http://www.wguides.com/city/73/121_297658.cfm
For those of you who, like me, adore a REAL hot chocolate...this is the best place to have one of those in Vancouver. The staff are friendly and funky and I'm not ashamed to admit they know me there and exactly how I like my hot coco!.

I arrive 10 minutes early for our date but there he is...sitting wating for me stuffing his face with a very large lemon cake thingy. Wow. He does NOT look ANYTHING like his photos. Upon closer inspection...I of course conceed that though he's put on about 40lbs, it is indeed him and he still has a great smile and lovely blue eyes. Ok...not a big deal. I struggle with my weight too...I think I put on 10lbs since my photo on here has been taken.

Anyway...the date begins. He is a gentleman...helps me with my coat and won't sit down until I am seated. I assure him that it's ok to sit and I go up and get my hot chocolate. Dan is working and we exchange some hellos, hugs and kisses. I have a secret crush on Dan...but he's soooo sooo young. 19 yrs old to my 29. I feel dirty thinking about him...and I like it at the same time. teehee.

Ahem..back to Chris. We sit and talk and then...then it all comes out.

Chris is on meds. Not just any sort of meds...heavy fucking duty tranquilizer shit. He rattles of names of percriptions he's currently on and I hear this in my head AWOOOGA AWOOOGA EJECT EJECT EJECT.


*Side note* my Mum is a psychiatric nurse at the emergency ward at VGH. I have heard COUNTLESS stories about wigged out people and the drugs they use to calm them down...the ones he's on I've heard too many times to ignore.

We talk and I am decidedly a bit phreaked out. He is sizing me up. I'm wondering if I can kick his ass if I need to. The answer a decided and disappointed NO. The guy is huge! 6ft, easy 250-260lbs. My 5ft 11 185lbs is NOT going to work here. I just have to run faster scared than he can psycho.

I never thought I would admit this...but I miss Jean Claude van Damme's advice at the gym now. I wish I had taken the training with him. Oh van Dammage...if only you would show up now I was frantically thinking.

*Side note* I would not call JCVD and I "friends" exactly...rather we are aquaintences at the gym and he often corrects my technique and is a pretty friendly guy at the gym. I secretly wish I could kick his ass though...only so I could say I did. Though I think his girlfriend could easily take me out too.

We finish our drinks and move on to the entertainment part of our evening. Merenge Lessons at Mesa Luna http://www.mesaluna.com/main.htm I had never been there before and I must say I was compltely impressed. I am definitely going back there once I establish that Chris has been safely secured in his Rubber Room. (see..and you were worrried that the title of this post wouldn't make sense...Rubber ROOM....not condoms)

Chris galantly pays for our dance lessons. Hurray. $10.00 if you just show up for the lesson...$5.00 if you had dinner there. We go to the bar and have a beer. Chris drinks Kokane...that is camping beer...not a beer you have when you are on a date. I drink Bavaria...this is so I can get into the Latin feel of the evening though I do think of Bavaria as more of a summer beer. (in case you haven' t noticed yet...I"m a beer snob...go good or go home!).

Chris explains a bit more about himself. He's recently had a complete mental and physical breakdown. He loves the choas and disfunction that is security work. He's been criminally investigated on no less than FIVE ocasions. His last relationship was 8 years ago and it ended because they constantly argued. She kept threatening to put a restraining order in effect against him.

Here is where I share that I have a bit of a sorrid past myself. I was young and stupid and travelling in Australia making extra cash as a rave organizer. I have yet to be investigated...criminally or otherwise.

*ahem*. As his Usher like confessions pour forth I no longer hear the catchy latin beats but rather "DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON" keeps echoing in my head.

The dance lessons begin. I am tempted to have a Stanley Tutchi moment...but I am polite and carry on...I do after all, love to dance!

So we dance. Chris is very strong and no matter how many times I ask him to ease up his death vice grip on my hands...he continues to clutch at me like I might bolt away at any moment. Was he reading my body language that well??

Finally...as the lessons progress...Chris actually relaxes. I begin to think that this may be OK after all. Clearly he is not the guy for me, but I can salvage this date and have some fun.

After the lessons Chris excuses himself to the bathroom and I stand at the edge of the dance floor taking everything in. The place has now morphed into "night club mode". I was approached by a very attractive guy who started making small talk with me and asked me to save a dance or two for him. Before I could answer in any way, Chris returns and barks out "No. We're leaving."

And so we do. We head to True Confections in Kits for some dessert. I had mentioned to Chris while we were making plans for our date, that I am not much of a dessert person. Cakes, pies, cookies....not super interested in them. Ice cream is my weakness but that's a summer thing and now it's autumn and well...yeah...he insists we go to True Confections anyway.

Ok...no big deal. I order my fruity tea and some sort of pumpkin cheese cake...it is afterall Thanksgiving weekend and I wasn't going to be attending any sort of feast at all and would be missing out on the pumpkin pie this year. Chris orders some uber chocolate cheese cake and devours this in FIVE bites. Woah. Slow down there buddy. Don't rush....enjoy your food. I eat my cheesecake with my tiny tea spoon and it takes me 20 minutes to eat half of it. It is soooo rich I can not finish it. Chris finishes the remaining bits in 2 bites.

I can not help but think that they way a person eats says a lot about them as a lover. I love to take my time. It's not just about food...it's about enjoying the flavours, having an experience. Chris on the other hand is all about the instant gratification and clearly puts a lot of garbage into his body.

We chat some more. Chris is now scaring me with countless storis of violence and disfunction and he's grinning from ear to ear while telling me. I'm a pacifist. I'm a greenie. I don't drive...I walk. I think more people should take transit. I think more people should smile. Chris has a permanent frown going on. He once more regails me with the story of his physical and mental breakdown and talks about what it's like to be on these meds.

I am PHREAKING OUT!. Our waiter takes the opportunity to come over and find out if I am OK while Chris has ducked into the loo. (note....one of the meds he's on has a side effect of being a laxitive....oh joy.)

*sigh* I chaulk this one up as needing to have a better "filter" as it were for my dates off of lavalife.

Chris insists on driving me home. Here is where I get a bit creative. I used to live in what I called "the Craque House" at Davie & Bute. (For those of you that don't know the area it really is Ground Zero for crystal meth. And to be clear...when I initially moved to that neighbourhood...it wasn't *that* bad. But when the dealers moved into my building...I moved out.) Anyway...I get Chris to drop me off at my OLD place. This is a bit bizzare...I just didn't want him to know where I lived. He mentioned needing to know so he could come and serenade me. Yeah....He said "serenade you" but I interpruted it as "stalk you".

Chris informs me that he is giong to wait in the car and make sure I get in all right. The best part of this entire scheme is that the door is behind a corner and not visible from the street. I round the corner and hop behind some bushes and wait until his car has gone. I then gingerly make my way home staying in shadows and feeling very 007.

20 minutes later I am home and going through the evening abulations. It's 12:30AM. My phone rings. It's Chris. He wanted to thank me for a wonderful date. Wants to see me again.

I can already feel my neck elongate and the feathers growing out from my shoulder blades. The sand is warm between by talons....Hello Ostrich!

My picture is worth 10 Thousand words...at least!

Finally, at long last, you can put a face to all of my words. And if a picture is worth a thousand words...hopefull there are a few nice ones in this picture.

Dan The Man Brown

I think I might still be in shock. Please don't pinch me though...I don't go in for S&M.

Ok Dan...this is for you.

Like many people I have a few favourite past times that I enjoy on a regular basis and when news comes to me that something I enjoy may come to an end I do what most people do. I gasp. I pout. I rant "what about meeee??". And then, then I do something that I should have done ages ago. I write and express my opinion about what is going on. Sometimes this works, sometimes it wasn't worth it and sometimes, just sometimes, it pays off in the strangest way.

When I read that Dan Brown wasn't going to be posting on the CBC.ca Viewpoint page I did all of the things above. I composed my letter during business hours when I ought to have been sending 120 pre-pubesent kids to a New Orleans Jazz Festival but instead of working I wrote to a man I've admired for some time and who's columns I thoroughly enjoyed.

It wasn't the best letter I've ever written. I was aware of perhaps sounding too formal, but my disappointment at the news was so close to the surface that I dared not let my emotions rule the correspondance.

And then something unexpected happened. (oh my goodness..I think I just heard Kate Blanchet's voice in my head..."the ring abandoned Gollum"). *ahem*

Dan Brown wrote me back.

Like many of his collumns, his letter to me was friendly and more conversation-esque rather than bland letter writing. Unbelieveable News. He cares. He cares about what people think of his writing and he's happy to get feedback.

I remember once writing to a Very Famous International Author after meeting her here in Vancouver at the Writer's Festival some years ago. I spent a good 3 hours with this woman, we exchanged ideas, we even shared a bottle of merlot. With her help 3 of my short stories were published. I wrote her a Thank You note and expressed again the influence her books had on me in my formative years. I got a reply from her publishing house. It was stale and the letter wreaked of moths, old tea and disdain. I wanted my $75.00's back for the wine.

Clearly a Very Famous International Writer could not reply to all her fan mail. Clearly she meets a lot of inspired people at Writer Festivals around the world. Still...this generic letter left a bad taste in my mouth and I remembered that I didn't much care for the merlot we shared either.

I want to be clear here and explain that whereas myself and a select few of my circle of friends actually know and appreciate who "our" Dan Brown is....I am unsure whether or not he has been encumbered with the title of "Very Famous"by the rest of the world. However, I would like to believe that when (yes...when) Dan Brown becomes a Very Famous Author (National or International) he would remember someone with whom he pounded back a $75.00 bottle of merlot while pouring over selections of erotic literature on which he offered suggestions and advice.

Forthose of you who are going to post to this blog and inform me that Dan Brown is already a Very Famous International Author...I refer you to the following link by Dan Brown on Dan Brown. http://www.cbc.ca/news/viewpoint/vp_browndan/20040506.html
I haven't read the "other" Dan Brown's work....though interestingly enough a friend of mine who is currently in the employment of a pretty nifty museum in Italy (Coma stei Roberto! I never did finish my Italian Lessons) informs me that flocks of tourists are taking the piss out of a lot of the paintings there and insisting on the conspiracy theory in the "other" Dan Brown's book "The Da Vinci Code".


I have a date tonight with Chris the Cop and all I can think about now is what it would be like to share that $75.00 bottle of merlot with Dan The Man Brown and perhaps be his little Grasshopper*. Of course...maybe he too would prefer a shiraz or just some good old fashioned micro brew ale???

Can a woman who is about to celebrat her 30th Birthday in less than a week be someone's Grasshopper? If so, then I'd sure like to be Dan's.




*If you have no idea what I"m talking about when I say the word "Grasshopper" in such a context...then clearly you don't know Kung Fu!


Until next time.
Kwerkie

Marcia Marcia Marcia

The day that changed my life forever started like any normal day. The alarm went off, I hit snooze. I may have gone back to sleep, I may have even dreamt, but the extra 7 1/2 minutes were vital. The alarm went off again. I open my eyes and say out loud "I have a date tonight".

The morning progresses as usual. I fed the grumpy hungry kitty, I made my way into the shower suffering the initial cold blast of water before melting into the heat. I paid special attention to detail while washing my body. I thought about every part of myself.

I have nice arms...they are getting stronger - I could clearly see the indent of my tricept. I shaved under my arms, the blade was new. I washed my stomach and was proud that it was shrinking. I noticed my stretch marks and I thought they looked like old war wounds.

I washed my thighs and admired my tatoo. I washed my calves and spent extra minutes massaging them...I believed my calves to be one of my best features. I shaved my legs...the stubble fell into the tub and was washed away.

I decided to shave my labia...I knew it won't be seen that night...but being freshly shaved made me feel sexy. The skin so smooth I couldn't stop touching it.

Thoughts were flowing randomly in my head.

Am I going to meet her? I don't know. Is this possible? Anything is possible.
Will she bring him? She won't bring him. Yes she will. Yes. He will be there. What's he like? She has a great smile. I wonder how soft her lips are?

My day progressed. Many times I thought of her and what would happen when we meet. Many times I thought about not showing...about emailing her and letting her know I couldn't do it. My mind raced for a plausible excuse. The truth was that I DID want to meet her but I was scared.

I took a few deep breaths. I pulled up her picture. She's very cute. I opened my hotmail account...totally prepared to write her a lame-ass email. And then...quietly, but insistently, I heard Anais in my ear. "Are you a woman of your word?" The answer. "Yes". Anais' voice caresses me "Oui. C'est maitenent." It is now.

I pushed thoughts of Marcia out of my mind to continue with my day. I ratioinalized the meeting. Just some people that I will see if I click with. Drinks at the bar. No big deal.

I arrived unprecidentally early. My nerves were now showing...my hand shook slightly as I reached for my glass of shiraz. Everyone walking by or coming into the restaurant made my heart race.

And then they arrived. A normal looking couple. Was it them? She's slimmer than I had thought, positively athletic. I felt too tall. I felt too big. I reached for my glass of wine and gulped liquid courage.

They are conversing with eahother in the way one might expect. I imagine the conversation going along the lines of "Is that her? Yes that's her I think...her hair is shorter. She doesn't really look like her photos. No she doesn't. Still, let's see what she's about."

Marcia approaches me. I felt glued to the stool. A deep breath and I am up off my chair and shaking her soft small hand. I am aware that I am talking too loudly and too fast and I have no way of stopping it.

We walk over to where Graham is sitting. They make room for me and I sit at the end of our trio. I am taking her in with my eyes. From her photos I thought her cute, pixie like almost...it was her smile. In person Marcia is a strong confident woman. I was impressed with her handshake...firm and not at all princess like. She went from being cute to being stunning. A slight but important distinction in my mind.

We begin talking about our days and the normal sort of small talk you would expect I suppose. And then Graham announces he will leave us alone and out he goes for a cigarette. I sight with relief. I have never done this before. I had no idea what to expect. I wanted to be comfortable with Marcia first.

Marcia gets right down to business. I am aware that the bar staff can hear our conversation and that bothers me at first. Then I simply relax. Talking is one thing I enjoy and normally no subjet is taboo...why is this any different? She is very matter of fact, very honest and I though I don't express it to her, that meant a lot to me.

We establish what we are each looking for. I feel a slight disappointment as I the more I talk with Marcia the more attracted to her I am. Marcia is not really looking for one on one, but rather a third party to share with Graham. It is clear that Graham's role is strictly with Marcia and that makes me feel very comfortable. Still...I am clear that I would like my first time to be one on one to learn, to explore.

Graham joins us once more and the coversation between the 3 of us is easy and fun. We talk about my writing, about the US elections, about their experiences.
They are a loving couple...this is very clear. The bond between them is lovely, you can feel it and it made me smile many times. I am more and more intrigued by the two of them. I can smell Marcia's perfume...I want to touch her but I don't.

They gave me advice on how to tell the difference between a woman and a man posing as a woman. The information they passed on was priceless. Things I never would have considered. I felt like this showed how naiive I am. Still, I
made many mental notes and felt a real affinity towards Marcia and Graham.

I don't think I could have asked for a better first time meeting than Marcia and Graham. When I heard about several of their stories and experiences, I thanked the Universe over and over again for providing me the opportunity to meet them. I doubt if there are many like Marcia and Graham, 2 completely normal people who's love for eachother is unconditional and their support for eachothers sexuality is amazing.

The evening came to an end with Graham picking up the tab. I felt a bit awkward about this but had not idea how to step in there. I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

On the walk home I felt an enormous confidence exude from me. One of the things Marcia said to me that kept floating around and around in my head was that "Once you experience it, you'll have a different look about you. Women will see it. Like you have a different wisdom in your eyes and you'll get hit on by all sorts of people."

I was walking behind 2 girls in their mid 20's. One girl had on a rather short skirt and it acentuated her lovely legs. As I passed by them I compliented the girl with the skirt. "You have fantastic legs", I say as I walk by them. The girl blushes a deep shade of red and thanks me.

I was smiling the whole way home. A step in the right direction. A positive experience to get me started on this road of discovery.

I can't express my gratitude enough to Marcia and Graham for the excellent coversation, the great company and the wonderful advice. Once I have 'cut my teeth' as it were, they should expect to hear from me and see if we can click as well in the bedroom as we did up at the bar.

A new road to go down, and any trepidations I had were put at rest by that one meeting. I am excited for this journey of discovery. I'll keep you posted.

Hugs and Kisses

Kwerkie

Breaking the mold

Breaking up with someone is never a particularly pleasant event but there are some things in life that are inevitable. The important thing is to be as honest as you can be without ripping the other person’s heart out.

Stll, there are a few things about breaking up that I don’t understand.

1) Why does the breaker always seem to want to remain friends with the breakee? They don’t want the romantic relationship, but they always request a friendship. Now admittedly friendships are easier to maintain than any romantic dalliance, but why bother really? If you’ve decided that you aren’t going to fall in love with the other person for whatever reason, why keep them along? It’s like going fishing after you’ve eaten a big meal and catching a beautiful plump fish that you have no intention of eating, having it troll along behind the boat, still alive, but with a large hook through it’s lip.

Sometimes hanging on is more painful than letting go. Your fists are clenched, muscles tight to the point of extreme discomfort and the salt of your sweat burning into your eyes. All of this could just stop if you simply just let go.

2) The other classic mystery. “It’s not you it’s me.”
What kind of crock of shit is that? Of COURSE it’s the other person. It’s not as if they are a bad person, they just don’t jive with what you had in mind for a future together. It is unlikely that you are going to change to keep this not-so compatible person with you. Well…not unless you are completely desperate, a glutton for punishment or suffer from the lowest self-esteem going. You changing would compromise your personal integrity… and no good could come of that. So just admit it, be honest. “I just don’t see this going in a direction I want to pursue. End of story. You don’t NEED to go on and on about how great they are…if they had any sense of self they would KNOW they are fabulous and they don’t need some guilt-ridden gobshite telling them that there are other fish in the sea. Buddy…do I LOOK like a carp?

The one I use a lot…and I’m not proud here…I’m just sharing. The one I tend to rely on is The Fade Out. It starts out innocently enough. A few un-returned phone calls…and then when I am caught at home…a good chat with the right amount of non committal talk about meeting up for coffee or drinks or a movie or just about anything they suggest. And always with the “I’m really busy right now with work or family or friends or or or…” and then the “yeah…I’ll give you a call sometime” And then you hang up, make the face and complain to your friends about what a pain it is that the person called you. Of course, HONESTY wouldn’t be the best way to end this…let’s just drag it out and hope they don’t notice that I never do the things I said I would do.