Kwerkie Karma

Right...I want to talk about accountability.

I know that a lot of people read my blog and 95% of the people that do I happen to know. Some of them are very good friends of mine, some of them are mere aquaintances and some of them I just know by proxy. There are, of course, some that I do not know. Everyone is welcome to read this.

I'm not ashamed of what I say on here and I don't believe that I spew any venom on this site. I want to be pretty clear that The Single Files has never been about making people feel shitty. I actually have a genuine fondness for most people and will treat everyone with kindness, love and respect as I expect to be treated in return. I will trust you until the day you give me reason not to.

HOWEVER. I know that I need to be accountable for the words that come out of my fingers. I know that sometimes; though it may not be my intention, I do hurt people's feelings. Regardless of intent, it happens.

This site (for me) is not about creating stress, hurt or animosity. This is me working my thougths out. Let's face it...over the last 4 months my writing on here, though more prolific, has not been at it's Mae West. I am using The Single Files to have poor me moments a lot lately and to write down some of the things that are bugging me in recent weeks.

If someone whom I know and love were to read this and find something perhaps a bit unfavourable written about them, then the way I see it is they have 2 choices.
1) Talk to me about it privately or in a comment here (fair is fair afterall)
2) Ignore it and understand that whereas I may have written something about them on a certain date at a certain time that it could just be me writting out my thoughts and I may have just sorted out my feelings and no longer hold the negative opinion etc.

Blogs are funny things. They are private thoughts shared publically. Would I be saying these things directly to the people involved?? Sometimes. But as with most things in life, it depends on situations, timing and whether or not I want a resolution.

If you think that I get fairly personal on here...you should read my journal! (well...no one should really...it's my one place to go completely nutzo without any concequences).

So I try to keep things light and airy on here as much as possible while delving into my deeper thoughts/fears/anger on ocasion. This is so that I can continue to keep some of my Kwerkie Karma points.

Read. Comment. But above all : Enjoy.

A funny thing happened on the way to the theatre.

Today I took my Mum out to see "Cabaret" (Currently playing at The Stanley Theatre until mid June). It was a FANTASTIC show! I was impressed with the set, the choreography and the singing!! I couldn't stop tapping my foot along and staring at the costumes wishing I had fluffy panties too.

However, before I get too into my love of burlesque...let me tell you about what happened 5 minutes before I entered the Theatre.

I was walking down the street with my Mum, her arm in mine as I helped her lumber along. I felt pretty...my hair and make up done nicely and I was wearing a lovely spring skirt and somewhat low top that made me feel tres springy...a contrast to the grey day it was outside. So I am confident and feeling good and I happen to catch the eye of a fella walking down the street. We make eye contact, both smile and I wish I could have blushed because he was quite handsome and it would have been cute to be coy.

He's tall, has broad shoulders, chocolate hair, eyes and skin. He had a fabulous smile. He walks by and we both the do turn-around. Nice. I even wink and he waves...we're disgustingly cute and flirty.

And then I walk Mum into the theatre and just smile...feeling good about the flirtyness and happy to leave it as is. I get Mum and some coffees and we flip through the program and talk to fellow patrons. I do love the theatre and hob-nobbing with like minded peeps.

Then something unexpected happens. Mr. Chocolate came into the theatre! Wow...what luck! We smile, he winks, I wave. A part of me wanted to cringe at how juvenile is all seemed. A short pixie like blonde woman comes over, links her arms in his and he leans over and gives her an all encompassing hug all the while making eye contact with me. And then I notice it...his wedding band. Wow...what luck!

So after the show I had some time to reflect on the weeks gone by and I realized that I attract and are equally attracted to, men who are not available for one reason or another. Max is still in love with Peggy, Marco was not ready and Mr. Chocolate was married.

Now I'm not fooling myself into thinking that there was anything that was ever really between any of the aforementioned men, but it DOES make me think (and as we all know, thinking is so important) and here is what I've come up with. STOP THE MADNESS!

That's right...dating is now off the menu. What I am offering instead is a smorgasborg of the following: Softball, Gym, Yoga, Reading and Rollarblading. Most of these involve my friends so I feel very good about still being social and not being all 'cavey'.

Life is a Cabaret Old Chum...Come to the Cabaret!

Eminem's best song...

I haven't really been able to have a Do-Over with Max (as I've decided to call him), nor am I likely to get another chance. Apparently Eminem is right...you DO "only get one chance do not miss your shot"

I did get a semi-do-over...kinda like re-writing a pop quiz that won't actually count towards your grade. It was not the smartest thing I've ever done...makin' on Max in his house while he was HOSTING a birthday party for his ex-girlfriend whom I think he's still very much in love with.

Yeah...how many shots did I drink? Enough to think a) it would be a good idea to flirty madly with him and kiss him and b)that he was actually totally into me and not just going through the motions.

Hmmm...can we guess how this turned out?

At some point in the evening I decided I needed to sober up. This turned out to be the STUPIDEST thing to do in a night of constant disasters! It would have been better if it all happened in a drunken haze...I might have even forgotten about it all.

The Ex-Girlfriend (let's call her Peggy) has a 4yr old son who is at the party and watching all the drinking and debauchery go on. (Do NOT get me started on this) So Brady (the 4yr old) is relegated to Max's room and Peggy goes into his room and lays down. (At first I didn't think anything of this...but now I realize that she was waiting for him to join her....who doesn't want birthday sex? even from someone that you broke up with?)

So Max blows up an air mattress and we share it in the living room. We're making out and he was very cute and bit my nose. Tres cute. We're fooling around and things are nice.
I'm about to cum...like seriously very close to cuming and then...then....Peggy opens up the bedroom door and let's her rat-dog out. So Max stops and I'm left at the very edge and then it's like the air was let out of my balloon. FRUSTRATION! I would like to point out that Max got to have a lot of fun...twice.

My do-over is done!

The next day Max acted very cool towards me and when I called him on it he apologized and explained that he just didn't want to hurt Peggy's feelings...it being her Bday and all.

Soooooo

The week progress and basically....here is the situation. I believe that Max is still in love with Peggy. Peggy is upset with me because I didn't ask PERMISSION (wtf???) to date Max and at the end of the day I have decided that I deserve much better and am moving on.

On-The-Rebound: I can't decipher your cryptic comment, however, I do hope that your day improved and that your original task was completed.

Round and Round and Round it goes...

I am OBSESSING about the bad sex on the weekend. Seriously. I need a Do-Over!

I didn't get into any detail in my previous post so let me share with you just how TERRIBLE it was.

1) I nearly swallowed his nose while we were making out. Y'know...I did the kisses from the collar bone up to his ear...then he turns his head and I turn my head with the full intention of connecting with his lips...only to nearly swallow his nose!

2) We're making out for a while and then it gets pretty passionate and we're ripping each other's clothes off...and I somehow manage to get my arm caught in my tank top and in the attempt to escape I hit him in the face and manage to choke myself at the same time.

3) We're finally Doing It and get into the rhythm of things...it's good...things are going well...until I start to ...y'know,....feel really good...REALLY good...I'm thinking...wow...I'm going to cum here...and then I think...I'll just go faster!!! And then....YOOOOOWWWWWW! He slips out but the motion is still going and then....yeah...ummm....I was done. I bent the wookie!

Funny thing is...I was in more pain than he was!

I can't get over it!!! I keep thinking about how fumbly it was and I keep thinking...wow...how did I get BAD at this?

I need a Do Over.

Seriously.

Even if nothing happens...I can't have him thinking that Saturday night's performance is the best I have!

*sigh*

Do Over.

Weekend of work and play

So this past weekend was the 7th Annual Whistler Music Festival and I was up there with work helping to make sure that everything goes smoothly etc. For the first time ever I had my OWN room up there!!!

Woohooo!!!

Sadly though...Simone has quit and that means a few things. 1) I'm going to miss her and having lunch with her every day. 2) I'm going to be INSANE at work and will have to make sure that I don't take on too much. 3) The atmosphere in the office is going to suck for a while.

The good news is that...yeah...I got my own room!

I had a great time up there though...I invited a friend up to share my room and so he came up a bit late on FRI (8 30pm) and left pretty early on SUN. It wasn't my intention to 'consummate' our friendship...but it kinda just happened anyway. The best part was the cuddling. He's a super fabulous cuddler. The sex...well...I was awful! I was just off my game! He wasn't so bad...but yeah...it was awkward- especially the 2nd time!

So now there is this weirdness between us which is awful! I think we both just got a bit drunk and it was nice to cuddle and be held and it was so comfy between us that well...yeah... Anyway...I’m sure that it will sort itself out soon. I don't regret what happened...I just don't want to repeat it any time soon.

He's younger than me and recently single (no, not divorced or separated) and I know that he was in love with his ex and hasn't been very long since they split. So I just think that I need to give him some time and maybe down the road it will turn into something more...but maybe it was just nice to hold someone who cares about me and to be held in return and just BE.

Done like burnt dinner

So Tues night I finally get a hold of Marco. We had an awkward convo and then I just jumped in with what I really thinking. I asked him to be 100% honest with me at all times and that if he wasn't into me that he just needed to tell me and I'd be OK with that.

Sooooo. Yeah. He said that he wasn't watning a serious relationship. I thought it was a bit odd...we had only been seeing each other for just over 2 weeks so what kind of 'serious' did he think we had?

Anyway...the crux of the whole thing is this. I accepted what he said and also made it clear that I wasn't' going to do the friends with benefits thing with him. I just wanted my movies back. He thought it was odd that I didn't want to talk more about it. What was there to say? I KNOW I'm a great person, funny, sexy, beautiful...his decision to stop seeing me wasn't a slight on me at all. I wasn't taking it badly at all...sure I was a bit disappointed...but I wasn't going to fall apart. It had ONLY been 2 weeks for heaven's sake.

SO then he calls me the next day....a few times. Said he wanted to see me, we can be friends, maybe he'd regret letting me go...but not to wait for him. I assured him that under no circumstances would I be waiting for him. He made his choice, what else was there?

So we agreed to go to the movies. I really wanted to see "The Rocket" and I knew that he'd bring my DVD's back and I also thought it would be a nice evening to see the movie with him as we are both huge Habs/Richard fans.

Anyway...the evening ended BADLY. He pitched a fit and got into his car and screeeeeeched away recklessly. He nearly hit the parked truck in front of him he was in such a hurry to get away from me. I called him quite a few times that night just trying to get some answers from him but he was too childish to pick up the phone.

What an ass.

Next day he had the balls to say that as I called him too many times that he now thinks I'm a stalker. LOL. I laughed out loud when I saw that. I thought Marco was fairly handsome...but he's not really stalker worthy.

Here's what I think happened. Yes he ended things with me on Tues, but I didn't resist him...I didn't try to change his mind. I just said "OK - sorry you feel that way". Then he realized that it didn't bother me that much...so he maybe changed his mind. Then on Thurs I looked good for our movie outing and was pleasant and funny and all the things I normally am. He even touched my leg to see if I had shaved (Of course I had) and he was flirty and I flirted back....but in my mind he was DONE.

Then we had our drinks...a small tiff about the bill ( he thought I was trying to stiff him with it...I just wanted change for my $20.00) And then he was hurt that a) I wanted my movies back and b) that I wasn't going home with him or having him drive me home. So he was rejected...by a girl he rejected and then changed his mind on.

Oh well...too bad. If I had taken him back it would have been Nelson ALLLLLL over again. No way.

I deserve WAYYY better than the crap Marco was pulling.

Soooo...like the French Canadian Singer 'Mitsou" sang....'Bye bye mon cowboy'

teehee

NEXT!



Oh....and a clarification from the last post...Marco quit baseball based on an alleged "shouldER inury"

Thank you anonymous for pointing out the error.

Smells like...like...burning!

Ok...so now that I like Marco...my nurosis begin.

We spent pretty much every available moment together for an entire week and had a lot of fabulous sex and a lot of fabulous laughs and just a whole lot of fabulous in general. Then I went up to Sun Peaks for work and we spent exactly one week apart with only 2 relatively short phone calls in between to keep any contact.

I came home from Sun Peaks yesterday and he picked me up from the airport. We had a lof of fabulous sex and some fabulous laughs and some VERY FABULOUS food and then yet some more fabulous sex. He spent the night and I hardly slept...he hardly slept.

Looks like he'll be quitting my softball team due to a 'should injury' and I just got the weird vibe from him this morning. I have called this evening and left a message but so far no reply.

I'm trying not to read too much into this. I am trying desperately to stop comapring him to Nelson...which I am finding very hard to do. The reason for this comparison is that Marco just went to trial on WED to finalize his divorce. Oh yes...he's been separated for over 2 years now so I felt it was OK to date him....but I guess I'm just thinking the following:

Am I setting myself up for a burn?

Maybe I should really only date guys that have never been married or at the very least are ACTUALLY divorced...like...2 or 3 years divorced.

I'm tired too...so my emotion-reader hasn't been properly calibrated.

And...what do I want from this anyway?

Montreal won tonight's hockey game and they almost gave it all away in the 2nd period. The game went to DOUBLE over time and it was a fabulous winning goal so I am actually feeling tired but happy in a non-specific way.

Just wish Marco would stop asking me what I am thinking all the time and start telling me what he is thinking.

Sacre Blue!!!

So it's been a week and Marco and I have been spending a lot of time together. Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, ALLLLLLL Day FRI and then this morning. Funny...I'm not sick of him. It was nice to do my own thing today though, but when he called late in the afternoon...well....my huge smile once more appeared on my face. I am looking forward to him coming over after the Canuck's game tonight.

(Let's not talk about how badly the Canuck's have performed in the last month - they are my 2nds anyway, Go HABS GO!!!)

I know I need to clean up...but I'm tired so here's hoping Marco will forgive the clutter.

Part of me wants to ask him for Easter Dinner tomorrow...the other part of me knows better than to ask after only a week & 1/2 of seeing someone. So the part that wants to ask will just have to be gagged.

And really...I DO like Marco, so it's probably better that he NOT meet my family until I have a chance to give him some schooling on how to handle them. We'll see if we make it past 3 months before I expose him to any of the crazyness. Besides, I need some time to come up with some Lesson Plans on what to do teehee. The nice thing is that I know he'll love my nephews and be very interactive with them...but on the other hand he is pretty straight forward so I'm not sure how he'd handle my Mum.

Anyhoooo. Je like him. We'll see how things go.

All hands above deck....mostly

So Marco came over for our date last night and I have to say...I should probably take a step back.

I like him too much already. I keep trying to have the 'we'll see' attitude...but I'm secretly crossing my fingers over here. However, before you get all wiggy...it's not like I'm saying "oh let him be the one". I'm saying "oh let him not turn weird/meek/clingy/dominating/ and crazy in general".

Right now it's all sunshine and lollipops. We don't know much about each other though I have to say that the bits I am getting to know I like...so far. I am excited to hear from him when he calls, I look forward to tomorrow when I will see him at Baseball (he's joined my team...happy venture or danger land?? what do you think??).

I'm pretty surprised actually. I haven't been wanting a relationship for a while. A forced relationship with Bently bugged me, even more so with Sonny. I couldn't understand why these guys were so quick to be in Relationshipville with me. I wasn't prepared to move out of Singletown that fast.

With Marc I actually caught myself fantasing about introducing him to my friends. *gasp* Oh oh...that must mean I like him. So I thought about our date last night and then was thinking...'yeah...kinda like this one".

He called to re-confirm and we had a pleasant easy conversation. I admited that I needed a bit more time to clean my place and he promised to arrivel 'fashionably late...but not too late". True to his word he came 10 mins after our designated meeting time of 6:30PM....with flowers. Lovely purple tulips that hadn't opened yet.

He brought a bottle of wine, his sly smile and his neat sense of humour. He wore blue jeans and a light blue button down shirt - I totally approved of his smart casual style. I admit to wearing my cute new brown harem pants and my neat-oh mozaic shirt. My make up was light and my hair was down...I felt pretty and confident. It didn't' hurt that I was making dinner and was making one of my favourite dishes...tomato chicken yummyness.

We chatted easily as I finished preparing dinner. Marco came in the kitchen randomly to put his hand around my waist or kiss my shoulder and I felt even PRETTIER and more confident...I nearly felt down right Mrs. Cleaveresque. He opened the wine and winked at me as we clinked our glasses. I smiled slowly and winked back.

Dinner was fairly light fare...chicken in a tomato herbal reduction, steamed broccoli and an herb salad. Our conversation wasn't quite as light...we talked about a wide range of topics from our past relationships to future carreer aspirations. It was nice to get past the small talk and have meatier discussions.

After dinner we walked up to BlockBusters to rent "Walk the Line". I don't know what happened in the movie past the 20 minute mark. That's when Marco and I started to make out. It was lovely. All hands were (mostly) above deck. I had a hard time controlling myself but he was pretty respectful of my 'no sex' rule and didn't push anything...it was me pushing the boundaries I had already set up.

I was particularly happy when in the middle of our date he was asking for another date. A HOCKEY date. I was soooo excited! Hoorah!!

He turned into a pumpkin at around 12:15AM and even called me to let me know that he got home alright. I was just a wee bit worried with the time being so late and him being tired and having to drive.

*sigh* As sappy as this sounds (oh, and trust me, I am TOTALLY aware that I am being MEGA sappy right now), it was nice to have his voice be the last sound I heard before going to sleep.

Pucker up baby

Can you remember the last time you had an absolutely toe curling kiss? The sort of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, tinglies in your nether regions and tight in the chest?

I can.

Mostly cuz it happened just recentlyt in the front seat of Marco's car.

Let me describe the setting for you so you can get the FULL effect.

After drinks we went for a 'spin'. (Marco's word). We drove in his Family Guy car (complete with child seat in the back) to Spanish Banks and drove along the endowment lands. The night was gorgeous and the drive was lovely...Vancouver's lights twinkling away. We drove and talked easily about anything that came to mind. Soon Marco's hand drifted across the unspoken boundary between Driver side and Passenger side and his pinky connected with mine.
ZAP. Electricity and I'm not talking about static.

We held hands and I enjoyed the way that our fingers explored each other's hands while never really disengaging from the principal act of holding hands. We're driving along and as we come up towards Jerico Beach (again) Marco pulls the car in. (Thank goodness). He manouvers the car so that we have an unobstructed view of downtown...a view from his hood to mine.

As we are parked, the conversation gets softer, our voices quieter and in my mind we simultaneously leaned in to each other and our lips met in one of the very sweetest first kisses I've ever had.

His lips were soft and the kiss was a bit shy at first. I wasn't going to rush it, I just wanted to enjoy it. Lips parted, tongues took turns exploring and tasting. Marco is a great kisser. Not too much tongue, no excess syliva.

I couldn't help myself! The kiss was so sweet, so (ok...I'm going to use the word) tender that I found myself reaching up to caress his face as we were making out. Now I've got a huge thing with face/head touching. That for me is pretty intimate...it's what lovers do. I tried to stop a few times...move my hand down to his shoulder or chest, but it seemed like it had a mind of it's own.

Good news...Marco's soft spot is his ears...seems we have more in common than I initially thought. teehee. We made out like teenagers for about 2hours with James Blundt crooning away on the stereo. I have to say...Marco is a romantic and that came across in his initial nervous/shyness (sweaty hands...so cute!) and his choice of music plus the drive down to a beautiful place to have our first kiss.

Here's hoping there are more kisses with Marco to come.

I'll keep you posted...but I'm also trying to play things a bit cool and not get too carried away.
What happens after the phermones? Hopefully something good. We'll see. That's my new motto in romantic daliances..."we'll see".

Oh...and when I say Family Guy Car I am NOT talkin' smack about Marco's vehicle. I adore the way he talks about his son and he does seem like a very caring, very involved Dad. I thought it was very cute that the car seat has a permanent home in the car even if Marco only gets his son every 2nd weekend.

Quelle Suprise!!!! Oooh la la

Bonjour mes amis!

Aujourd'hui je suis très heureux. Oui, c'est vrais!

It has occured to me that I still haven't taken up my language class. I'm leaning more towards French now and there is a class that starts up on 11APR...but that will conflict with something else I've recently joined...BASEBALL!

Yup...that's right! I have signed up for a Co-Ed Slowpitch league and our first practice is next Tues. I already have my own glove and a few baseball caps, a great attitude and a decent batting average...what I don't have is throwing skillz. I hate to admit it...but I do throw like a girl.

The French thing may have to wait until the summer. There are other beginner classes starting in JUL. My main concern is getting into the *right* French class. I went to French emersion when I was a kid...I can understand a lot of French...but speaking it coherently and gramatically correct is a huge challenge for me.

Maybe I'll just get Marco to help me out...he's fluent in both offical languages. I don't think my broken French impressed him, but I do think that I impressed him in other ways. (get your minds out of the gutter!). Marco is new on the scene so let's just see how this goes.

You know me...I don't go in for this 'instant relationship' stuff. "Just add sex!". I am playing things pretty tight right now. I have decided to dwindle the number of men down to 1. It was getting just a bit confusing/frustrating/annoying.

I haven't talked to Sonny in days...I didn't like our last exchange via MSN...it was odd. I couldn't help but feel that if he wanted to discuss the things he read with me, he should have phoned. I probably should call him. I liked him, but I don't think we can bounce back from this. I feel a bit of resentment that he didn't just wait for the conversation to take place. Having said that, I do understand that he'd want to confront me on the post. I believe that this one has ended up a combination of The Fade Out and Ostrich.

Soo...now I am left with Maco.

Funny thing this...I have lost all filters with Marco. I say things I wouldn't normally say. For instance...Marco called me last night and we were chatting easily about everything under the sun. Of course the topic of sex comes up (of course). At one point he asked me if I ever faked an orgasm. Oh my god! I started going on and on about how it's very rare for me to cum with a partner and that it takes a lot of time for me to do that. I was telling him that for years I would fake it and I even told him the story of Pedro! WTF??? WHY would I do that? I don't know. He seemed to take it all in stride...though who knows...it was a phone call...it's hard to judge people's reaction just based on voice alone.

Seeing Marco on Sunday and I am actally very excited about it. He's the first guy in a long while that I am genuinely looking forward to seeing again. When he called me last night...it but a HUGE smile on my face.

But let's not get too carried away here...it's VERY new and maybe it's just the excitement of newness.

This is not an experiement...this is life.

Something was mentioned to me that kinda bugged me.

The direct quote was " I just want to say one thing... I don't want to feel like some sort of experiment..."

I would hardly call my life an experiement. This Blog is not an experiment. This is a reflection of different parts of me, my moods and all their swings, my whims and all their whimsy, my passions, my lusts, my desires, my feelings of all sorts.

Also...no one can make you feel anything you don't allow. I've learned that the hard way myself.

So if you believe this to be an experiment at your expense there is only one solution. End it. I am not going to stop writing down my feelings. I am not going to stop writing about my experiences.

When a show comes on TV that I don't like...I choose not to watch it. I may have cable and access to that channel, but if I don't like the show, I turn the channel or the tv off. It's the same here. IF you don't like what I'm saying, you don't have to read it. It seems rather simple to me.

So new rule. Only girls get the blog site from me. If a man happens to stumble on here that's wonderful and good. Chances are I am not dating them and they won't be offended. teehee. Of course...now I have to be careful not to date any of the women I gave my blog out to. I think that will be less of a problem...I do so love a pretty penis....and women just don't' come with their own.

So yeah...if this is an experiment....where are all the monkeys??? Everybody loves a monkey.

A non- event for Carmen -the hot chick with the tongue ring

I love comments even if I seem afraid of them sometimes. So when Carmen left the "what happened?"comment on "How about a great big cup of..." I felt the need to share.

It's really going to be somewhat disappointing.

I seethed all the way up until 8:30PM. At 8:31 I left my apartment and walked the 28 stairs up to the 7th floor. I stood outside Mr. Fuck's apartment trying to compose myself and not have on my 'fuck you' face. I took several deep breaths and repeated "One million blessing to you" over and over in my head until I felt the bubbles of giggles between my lips.

One more deep breath and then I was ready. I knocked on the door to Mr. Fuck's apartment.

"I'll be there in a minute" came the gruff voice from behind the door. I could hear the scurry of footsteps, the banging of pots and the running of water. I could also here the muttered 'Fuck Fuck Fuck" of Mr. Fuck - there was no doubt that I was at the right apartment. I waited as patiently as possible.

The door opened to reveal a fairly disheveled Mr. Fuck. Big yellow rubber gloves were on, dish soap clinging to the latex for dear life. What amused me was that Mr. Fuck was wearing an apron that read "If you don't like it, eat me" and had a picture of a burnt dinner followed by a steaming pie. I think my eyes widened in surprise.

I told him that I was Kwerkie and asked in my bubbliest voice if he would be so kind as to return my phone.

He said "Oh yes. Just a minute." And then he closed the door in my face and went back into his apartment to retrieve my phone.

I felt like I was waiting for 5 minutes but it was probably only 30 seconds. He came back sans big yellow rubber gloves, sans dish soap and apron but AVEC my phone.

I thanked him for keeping my phone safe and gave him my friendliest smile. (Well...clearly it couldn't have actually been my friendliest of faces as it wasn't a genuine smile...but I could have won an Oscar for it I'm sure).

He mumbled something about being responsible in the future and I just continued to smile and repeated my Thank You. Then I waved and left, leaving him still standing in his door step.

"Thanks again! Have a great night! Loved the apron!" I called out to him as I opened the door to the stairwell and made my way back to my happy space.

So overall...a fairly non-event.

And Carmen...you're supposed to be Chloe!! But I'll give you back your name as my very own Chloe will be making her first appearance in the WORLD on or around May 26th.
Well...she won't be my OWN Chloe. I am referring to my as of yet unborn niece who's name was told to us a few months ago.

The Gloves are coming off...

I've been afraid to write in here.

It's true...I know it's shocking, but it's true. It may be that I have given my blog site to too many people or perhaps it's the judgment that I fear. I am also afraid to write exactly what I'm feeling lately for fear that the grumpy pants haven't been put away yet.

Today I felt toxic. I wanted to scream at everyone I saw. Everyone.

I was given a ticket to the hockey game at around 10AM. The ticket was then rudely retracted at around 3PM. So instead of screaming at hot guys on ice...I decided that I needed some retail therapy.

The whole time I was shopping I kept thinking of an episode of What Not To Wear. It made me giggle...especially when confronted with my awful undies that I was wearing today. Maybe that's why I was so pissy today...I was wearing ugly undies.

I want to rant about men right now.

1) I am tired of meek men. I am a confident woman who enjoys being around confident people...men especially.
Most of my friendships are with very strong willed, strong minded, strong personality people. This makes for some volatile moments...but it is also the same reason why my friendships with these people are the most rewarding in my life.

2) I am tired of push push push to get into my puss puss puss. How about getting to know me? How about finding out THINGS about me....what I like to do on a Sunday, what I like to shop for the most, what I love to do in the quiet of the night when no one can see me?

3) I don't want to do all the work. I just don't. I don't want to be chased chased chased cuz that's the first thing that will make me run run run...but I'm not going to do it all either. I'm a bold person...I often make the first move. Well...I'm ready to come in 2nd in that one regard now.

4) Too into me...not into me. Wholly Jebus batman. One guy is too into me...Another guy is calling but can't actually make it to ONE date we've set up. Guy2 keeps asking me out...making plans...and then BAILING at the last minute. Fucking Dr's...I can't date a guy who's more wishy washy than me. After the hockey ticket bullshit...he's done.

5) DATING. Let's look at this word. It's not RELATIONSHIP. It's not COMMITMENT. It's DATING. This means hanging out with, having fun with, making out with....sometimes it might go a little further...but I've taken sex completely off the menu. No. No more sex until I, ME, KWERKIE, wants it. Just because you have an erection doesn't mean I have to do anything with it.

6) TIMING. I need a lot of ME time right now. I am not going out a lot during the week as I once did and my weekends needs to have a significant amount of Kwerkie time too. I am going NUTZ at work right now. I have been putting in a lot of overtime...at least 45 mins a day with WED night being the longest I've ever done in one day. At least the pizza was yummy. So when I say I'm busy or I want to have a night in by myself I don't want a guilt trip for it. Only one of the 2 have been respectful of that so don't think I am makin' stuff up.

*sigh* It's probably just too soon.

I was thinking about Ronan the other day...the waiting for sex...the wooing...the calls in the middle of the day. Now if only I can get the rest of the package too.

I also keep remembering this one day when he came out of the shower...but maybe I just miss the way my tummy would feel when I saw him naked.

*shakes head* There is much more that I want than just lust.

phone is ringing...ignoring it.

How about a great big cup of....

FUCK YOU to Mr. Fuck who lives on the 7th floor of my building.

Before you get all offended by my initial profanity, let me warn you that there will be plenty more where that came from!

Mr Fuck lives on the 7th floor as previously mentioned. He complains about EVERYTHING. When we finally got a lock for our dumpster out back, he complained loudly and wrote a nasty profane letter to our manager about the rust that was on the chain. Big deal! Who wears their Sunday Best to take out the trash?? If you get rust on your hands don't touch yourself! Wash your hands! Bring gloves or bring a rag to wipe your hands on.

Now this rant isn't about the fact that Mr. Fuck complained rudely about the rusty lock. And don't worry...he's not just Mr. Fuck because he pissed me off...a lot of reisdents call him 'Mr Fuck' because he actually goes around muttering "fuck, fuck fuck" all the time. I wondered at first if he might have OCD or Assburgers or maybe he really just is Mr.Fuck.

Well...last night CONFIRMS it. He is indeed Mr.Fuck because he's a Fucker.

I was doing laundry and going up and down the stairs all night. I also had my mobile phone with me. Well...I get back up to my apartment at around 9PM and realize that I must have left my phone in the laundry room. I'm not worried...the laundry room is locked and only residents can get in with a key. Also...my building ROCKS with loads of great neighbours....except for Old Lady Italy and Mr. Fuck...everyone is very friendly so the fear of theft wasn't there.

Well...I had the great misfortune of doing laundry on the same night as Mr. Fuck. So he finds my phone...and instead of leaving it the fuck alone...he decides to 'rescue' the phone.

I go down to the laundry room to get my phone and it's gone!!! WTF??? Ok...so I go upstairs and write a note and then head BACK downtstairs to leave this note on the washer. "Hi, it's Kwerkie from 5XX. If you found my mobile phone in here please return it to me. Thanks".

Well...10PM and no one has come around with my phone. I go down to the laundry room periodically and check. The note has been put in the garbage.

GRRRRR

So this morning I post a note in the elevator and on the ground floor in both stairwells asking for the safe return of my mobile.

I got home to this note:

Dear Kwerkie
I have your phone. I found it left irresponsibly in the laundry room. It was beeping annoyingly so I turned it off and brought it up to my place for safe keeping. I went to bed quite early and forgot about your phone until I saw your note this morning. If you would like to come and collect your phone it will be available between the hours of 8:30-9:30PM tonight.
By the way -the proper term is CELLULAR phone - NOT mobile phone.
Yours,
Mr. Fuck apt 7XX.

So...GREAT! My phone is held hostage until 8:30PM, It's SMALL...he could EASILY slip it through my mail slot. (our mail is delivered to every suite...we have slots in the door like a regular house). So WHY HASN'T HE DONE THAT???

I'll tell you why...cuz he's Mr. Fuck the Fucker!!

So I will go up at 8:30PM tonight to get my phone and I'm sure I will have to bite my tongue so I don't just say "Thanks!" Followed quickly by "And FUCK YOU MR FUCK -YOU FUCKIN' FUCK FUCK".

Hi, how ya doin? Good to see ya.

Hiya!

Remember me? The Kwerkie girl with the cute smile and the bubbly personality and the clever writing? I"ve been away for a bit,but...well...it's all Sunshine and Lollipops from here on in baby!

What about YOU? How have YOU been?

You may have noticed that I FINALLY have some links on here. Yes indeed. Sonny made that happen for me and I'm pretty chuffed about it. I don't even mind that he put his link first. teehee.


I know I haven't been posting much about all the sexy things I used to and it's partly because I haven't been feeling very sexy despite getting a bit of rumpy bumpy here and there and becoming closer friend's with my vibrator and busy little fingers.

Taking a lover and not being too committed is a LOT of work. A lot more energy than I'm actually willing to expend at the height of my very crazy busy season at work.

Simone and I were talking about taking a page out of Samantha's script and trying on the commitment phobe Lover Panties. This basically means taking a lover (or loverS) and just having sex with no emotions...no feeling...no commitment...no worries. Frankly, I just don't see it working for either of us.

Not to talk smack about Simone (cuz you know I love you) but she is a very emotional creature. Now I, on the other hand...can't control my emotions very well at all - so to say I was an emotional creature may be a bit of an understatement.

I've fucked like a man before. Taken taken taken and believed that in my taking I was giving. I'm sure Bentley (if indeed he read this) would nod his head in agreement. I can't help but feel that I was getting revenge for all the times I felt used.

But here's something I've come to accept in recent days. No one can make me feel anything that I don't want (or allow myself) to feel. I've heard it before...I've probably said it before, but it took my last visit to Thunder Bay to really hit home. (ha. Irony).

So right now I'm feeling pretty good. I have a great group of friends I like hangin' with and I am insisting on my own time too.

In fact...I feel so good that I might get another tattoo soon. One more milestone to mark...I AM in charge of my own life. I am going forward and though I haven't been submitting it here...I've been writing like a FIEND!

There is a secret I've been keeping...well...not really keeping it all to myself...I've told some people and have had some help with my secret project....I promise to reveal it all in good time. I just want to seal the deal as it were before blabbing on here.

Ok...more things to do before I hit the sack.

Ciao
Kwerkie

Us again! This time you can see Kirk behind Derek and Valerie  

My Peeps! (L to R = Kwerkie, Fi, Celia, Derek (in Kilt), Valerie, Luke, Britney.  

Fi and I showing off our Dancing Skillz 

Dancing Therapy!

I want to tell you about how I celebrated St. Patrick's Day this year.

I bought a ticket to the Pub Crawl that was put on by Bust Loose Travel. This is a pretty interesting tour company that specializes in University Crowd/Language School partiers. The average age of the Bust Loose booker is aprox 23.

I wasn't worried though...I was going with 6 people whom I know and I was certain that we would have a blast....and DID WE!

We all met at the Lamplighter Pub and dawned our oversized white painter suites, armed with markers, a free drink and some lube we started out night. I was scanning the crowd...was there a man worthy of my flirtations tonight?? There were some who showed potential but I was actually just happy to hang with my crew.

We chose Jody as our Bus Captain. This girl was HOT. She had the forethought to get her painter coveralls the night before and made a tight white mini dress...we were all very impressed. She was super fun and so we stalked her to Bus # 3. Us cool kids sat at the back of the bus while various language school students (Chinese, Japanese, French and Spanish) kids sat everywhere else.

I was feeling pretty buzzed by the time we got to our 2nd pub thanks to our Road Rockets I had along the way. They were playing some R&B/Hip Hop stuff and here is where I tell you that I actually LOVE to dance to that stuff. Sooooo....I buy a drink for Derek and myself and then head out to the dance floor. I proceeded to wow my peeps with my dancing skillz.

Those of you who've been out cuttin a rug with me know that I can't be expected to dance like a polite young lady. I need room to move...dancing requires the attention of my entire body. I need to just move move move. I don't think I am a particularly good dancer...but I couldn't give a rat's ass who thinks I"m a fly girl or a ummm...bad dancer girl.

I just basically move to the music how ever I want to and if it offends people...ha! who cares!

We hit 4 places in total, 3 of which were dance clubs and I didn't sit down ONCE. I got very drunk but hey...that's what St. Patrick's Day is for! I also won a cd....I haven't listened to it yet so I'll have to let you know what it's like. Judging by the song titles (eg "Our relationship is getting stronger with each golf game I play" ) I think it's more humour than anything note worthy. In fact...looking at it now I see it's the Bud Light Institute cd. oh joy!

I just can't tell you how FABULOUS it all was.

Here is the downside. I spent ALL morning Sat in the bathroom barfing...and guess what happened?? I pulled my back out!!

Saturday was fuzzy....I spent most of the day on pain killers. Finally a Tylenol 3 took the edge off then I went out to help Mick celebrate his birthday. I felt on the fringe for a while...it's a bit odd sometimes with The Clique...I feel like I'm cool kid the one day...happy cheerleader, and then the next I'm a nerd...a fringe dweller who laughs from the shadows.

The pain was coming back by 11PM and I caught a ride home with 2 other girls. By the time I got back to my apartment it was after 12AM and I was in agony.

Blue sky...nuthin' but blue sky

Today I am exceedingly happy!

I woke up at 7AM and wasn't hung over!
I had a lovely cuddle with Taliesin (my puma in case I haven't mentioned him before)
The Sun is Shining and there is Blue Sky as far as my peepers can see!

I am writing again...writing I tells ya! Words scrawled on sacred paper...happy blue ink winking at me, words flowing...I even used the word 'lithe' in a sentence...I like that word...it's a slow word, I like to linger over it.

The trees on my street have sprung blossoms and the cherry trees in particular make me happy. Pink to deeper pink. It reminds me of something Nelson once told me....that the pinks remind him of my delicate pink bits. The memory sends a spasm to those very delicate pink bits and this time there is no pang of angst or vexation that follows....just a memory and a lovely thought.

I am enjoying myself this week in a way I haven't in a long while. I am really feeling like I actually KNOW what I am wanting. I have made a list of things to accomplish before AUG and I believe that these are all very achievable.

1) I have decided to stay in my apartment and to show my commitment I am going next SUN to pick out paint chips and see what colours would suit best. I am leaning more towards a bright sunny colour in the living room (I"m thinking Yellow again) and I have definitely set my heart on a sagey green for my bedroom. The bathroom I think I will leave white only because there are too many colours competing for attention....cream bathtub, multi coloured white, pink, cream tiles on the floor, beiges, yellows, oranges in my shower curtain and of course toilet in it's 3 colours of bright white (too hard on my eyes), beige and brown.

My kitchen needs some lovin' too and I hate hate HATE my brown cupboards and snot green fridge & stove. What can I do with those colours?? I think about painting the cupboards but don't want to do a bad job of it. I wonder if I have to sand them down and then put a primer on and THEN paint. ANy advice??? What ties poo brown and snot green together? Pee yellow??

2) I am going to bring back the Kwerkie Deli at work. I hate having to go out for lunch all the time...it bugs me that we don't have a micro wave there so hot meals are out of the question unless I want to go and buy them. But it's spring!!! I will be brining leafy green and whole grains to the office and making my own lunches. It's much cheaper and right now even the 20 mins I spend going out to eat feels like precious time ticking away.


Ok...time to make breakfast and get things happening!

No, you can NOT go home again...

But you can go to the place where you were born, see some family and have a lovely visit.

My whirlwind trip back to Thunder Bay was so much better than I had even hoped for. I don't know where to start this so I think I'll just tell you as it pops into my head.

I am a bad Grand Daughter...but the one of the perks of being a Grand Daughter is that you are automatically forgiven for all your fox passes if you just ask for it. And really...it's so much simpler than even all that. I didn't even have to verbalize my request to my Mum's parents. It was in my hugs and the fact that when Grandpa make a joke about one of our camping trips I teared up a little bit...just being overwhelmed by all the memories. He just hugged me and laughed and gave me one of his signature "Ehhhhs". He's like the Fonz that way...but older and wrinklier.

My Grandma C needed me to say the words and I don't blame her. Once the words were out her forgiveness was faster than my stammered apology. It was completed the next day when we had a huge hug and she held me tight as I cried.

I found out that where I am from doesn't actually define me. My cousins are the perfect example of that. Education is the key here...I think I have a fairly good speaking voice and I believe that my choice of words adds colour to my stories. My cousins sound very much like they are from Thunder Bay. There was a hole of "eh?'s" and even the dreaded "I was giviner down the road" thrown into the stories. Wowzah. The accent alone was enough to make my ears hurt a bit.

Still...I don't want to talk too much smack. I was delighted to see my Grandparents...all 3 of them (Grandpa C died 8yrs ago...coincidentally it was the last time I went back to Thunder Bay).

I felt skinny when I was there...which isn't 'a good thing. I am chubby for sure. I need to get my ass back at the gym 4 times a week fo sho mo fos. But wow...people in Thunder Bay were ROTUND! Yeah..that's right...I'm not going to cushion this with Rubanesque or any of the other cutesy names I could...it was FAT CITY.

So here is what I have learned. My Mum is to blame for cutting my Dad's parents out of our lives until I was 14yrs old. After that...it's all me.

I still like to defer to my older brothers in matters of ...ummm....lots. I was going to say family decision making but that's not entirely true. Yes I am my own person...but I was very much the younger child in Thunder Bay. I almost felt like I was 12...free of responsibility but still vocal enough in my own right.

I have also learned that I have the power of forgiveness to give as well.

I'm not going to get into it...it's pointless now as things happened so long ago and I have come to that wonderful place of forgiveness so let's just say that I now only have one more Uncle to forgive and we'll see how I go with that one. It took me over 15 years to forgive my Aunt's husband...we'll see how long it takes to forgive my Mum's twin.

I don't have to think of Thunder Bay as 'home'. It's not home. But it does have some redeeming features...namely it is the home of my Grandparents whom I love very much and who's unconditional love and forgiveness was the best part of my trip.

Is it true??? Can you never go home again?

In 4 days I"m going back to Thunder Bay to celebrate my Grandma's 90th Birthday. I am feeling a bit anxious about it for a few reaons.

I'm not a good grandchild. Oh sure I had my moments of excessive cuteness and my fair share of accomplishes...but I haven't done any sort of family duty in the past 12 years or so. I never call. I rarely email. I don't send cards or gifts or anything. It's not that I don't love my grandparents and it's not that I don't think of them...in fact I often have very lucid dreams about them...especially both of my grandmothers.

I have some bits of my past that I have felt like I have delt with as much as I can at the moment...mayby this trip will help me let it go. I sometimes fear that I will turn into my mother and be a Bitter Betty.

I see it in other people I know as well. I fear my grumpy pants have been on long enough. Even my BOSS comented today that I"m not as shiny and new as I once was...what has happened to my bubbles?

So tonight I came home...took a VERY long and VERY hot shower and then I proceeded to scrub the grumpy off of me. Tonight I will be going to bed at a very reasonable time and then I will wake up and feel fresh. I have my outfit all picked out and I will be every so cute! I shall do my make up and my hair and I will be pleasant and witty to everyone.

I had a fabulous dinner....leafy greens!! With chicken!! yummm

Thunder Bay will be a test of the grumpy pants for sure...but I am determined to find myself at last.

Mariah Carey is on to something

I gotta shake it off

"Boy I gotta shake you off

Gotta do what’s best for me

Baby and that means I gotta

Shake you off"

Don't get me wrong...I'm not just talking about Bentley or Ronan or Nelson or any of the men that have passed through in the last little while. I'm talking about much more than that...about the funk I'm in, the lethargy, the agnst. I'm talking about the pressure from myself, my family and the world.

I can't believe I just quoted Mariah....ah well. The words speak to me and can 3 grammy's really be compltely wrong?

I am going to head over to the Vancouver Aquatic Centre in a bit to have a swim, a hot tub and a steam room. I found out that because of all the groups I send there I get to go for free once a month. Yeah free!

Soooo...is this a 1/3rd life crisis? Should I do something outrageous? Should I be trying to date younger men or looking at buying an expensive car or maybe walking around saying wibble???

Two shots of happy....one shot of sad.

I'm all in Baby

As many of you have probably observed...I'm an extremist. I don't like to do things half assed...if I am going to fall for some guy, I'm going to give my whole being into it. If I'm going to jump into anything I'll just close my eyes and take the plunge. So when I get depressed...yeah...it gets messy.

I have managed to clean 85% of my apartment which makes me feel like I am just starting to get back some of the control I fear I have lost. I have even went back to the gym so I feel like at least something is happening in the way of change.

I fantasize about painting my place. I also fantasize about moving to Commercial Drive. I long for the day when I am in a place that finally feels like HOME...like MY HOME. Would that mean that I have to OWN my place before this happens?

My apartment is cold right now. Just temperature wize...I'm not talking about not feeling comfy in it. Truth be told this is the first place I've felt homey in for a long while. So why the fantasies about major change with it?

Maybe it's because I still haven't put up all my artwork. Maybe it's because the only things I feel I can change are the physical things around me. The phantom things like love, happiness just seem far away...I am focusing on the tangible right now...house 'n home, fitness etc.

I am searchingn for comfort in physical things but resisting the urge to comfort myself with food. I did have lentil soup for dinner though...that helped. Lentils are yummy...and I won't hear a bad thing about them. I believe they are good for me and as they were covered in saucy goodness with hints of cilantro...I think that the soup was a better choice than say....ice cream or those tiny fabulous easter egg candy thingies.

I'm sure you are wondering why I'm not seeking comfort in Bentley's arms or bed. The answer is simple...I need to be accountable for my own happiness and I am learning to self soothe. Besides...the endorphins can only last for so long and soon after cuming I think about going. (back inside my cave)

I do care about Bentely and I dont' wish to hurt his feelings etc. I think I am just not emotionally that available to anyone...not even to myself. I have had the past 4 days to myself and I got a lot of thinking done, a lot of cleaning done and a lot of catching up with me done. I have enjoyed it.

I still talk to Bentley and enjoy that dont' get me wrong. I just don't think it's fair to him to keep him in Limbo as it were. I can't commit and I won't go backwards. I am guessing then that the only way to feel good about this is to tell him that I just can't.

Maybe I was fooling myself in January thinking that I had all my ducks in a row after my relationship with Ronan went so sour.

I guess I really DO need to keep that promise I made to myself. I DO need to be Kwerkie Alone.

I read Lady K's site the other day and her posting about Querky Alone Day and about Violetta marrying herself. I loved that post. I went to Violetta's site and I think I read it about 10 times.

I might just marry me if I'm lucky!

What is enough?

For the last few weeks...probably closer to a month or more if I really think about it...I have been feeling less than enough.

I have entered the Winter of my funk and I can't seem to shake it. I've tried eating salads...these always seem to lighten my moods...but frankly my forage into foilage was not doing it. I have tried having a lot of sex, and despite it being very satisfying, I can't get out of this funk! Sadly even though Bentley is going down...it is not pulling me up.


If love is not enough and sex is not enough and salads aren't doing any tricks...what the hell is wrong with me?

I'm leaving tomorrow on a work trip and I can't be arsed to do ANYTHING to get ready for it. I can't look at my clothes ridden floor to find anything suitable to wear. I am going to the Happiest Place On Earth...yes...Disnayland and I just want to cave. That's right...you heard me...CAVE.

I need a week off of life. No work, no people, nothing. I just want to hide in my cave and maybe cry a bit...or maybe just eat leafy greens or maybe I'll just hole up at the gym and DEAL with the weight that I'm packing on.

**********************************

Three Weeks Later....


I STILL can't shake this thing. I've been sick, seemed to be getting better and then sick again. I have had the worst sinus infection cold thingy ever! I don't tend to get sinus colds...I don't think I want to ever again! It was awful to fly with being all stuffed up. I thought my forehead was going to explode!

I'm still dating Bentley though I suspect that I will end it soon. Nothing I am doing seems right so I think I just need to NOT do some things.

I have spent most of my day doing laundry. It's a Saturday so the laundry room wasn't too busy and I even left one washer available for my neighbour. It has taken me 5 hrs to do 6 loads of laundry. I think I have washed everything that I own. Well...not everything as I still have a blanket and 1 sheet left to wash but I'll save that for next week.

I have also cleaned my kitchen and my bedroom. I feel miles better for doing this though I still have a lot of cleaning left to do. I really need to sweep, vaccuume and mop. PLUS I need to clean the bathroom. I think those will fill my day tomorrow.

Tonight I'm just gonna chill out. My next door neighbour has invited me for drinks and a movie. He is really cool and we have a lot in common. Both of us are going through weirdo times right now.

In all my funk what is MOST surprising to me is this. I can't stop thinking about Nelson. I know...it's so silly! It's been 2 years and I am still just as wiggy about hin as I was the day we broke up. I wish I could just get over it. We weren't together for very long and he wasn't very open or honest with me....so WHY am I still hung up on him??

I think about Ronan too. Mostly wonder how he's doing and wishing him the best. I am sad things didn't work between he and I but I couldn't compromise anymore of myself. I had lost myself...I still don't feel very 'found'.

With Bentley things are...well...they just are. I feel apatheti mostly. I'm not feeling anything, I'm not excited to see him, I'm not unhappy to see him...I do have a good time with him...but I am just not feeling the OOOOMPH.

I guess I just need to take some time and figure this stuff out.

Blahhhhhh

The Marathon - Part 2

Bentley didn't disappoint in his eagerness. He even offered to pick me up from the pub! I walked a small distance from the pub to the local Safeway and hung out until he showed up. I wasn't even nervous.

I enter the car and take him in. He smells good,he's clean shaven and he had a wonderful sparkly smile.

We chat amicably as he drives us downtown. A side stop at Stanley Park and we have our first of many kisses for the night. I luxuriate in the feel of his lips on mine. Our tongues take up their positions and dance with grace and style. I find myself leaning into him as a guttural sound comes from his throat.

Somehow we make it back to my Spanish Abode and I hang up our jackets. As he sees what I"m wearing for the first time he lets out an appreciative sound...it wasn't a growl but it was close enough to it.

Our bodies collide, our lips and hands are everywhere and soon we are totally naked on my bed, No one is going for gold...all hands are roaming quite freely and happily around, over, between and neither of us is in any hurry.

And then something odd happens. Somehow it slows down...somehow we are still and we look into each other's eyes. There is silence and then passion is renewed and there are no more words except for these "How serious are we on the no sex rule?"

It didn't even surprised me to hear that it was me, my voice, my mouth that uttered those words. It surprised me even less when Bentley breathed out "Not very serious at all" I grabbed a condom from my night stand drawer and we were at each other once more.

I can't go into too much detail here. It's not that I don't want to share how absolutely amazing things were, how he did things with his hands, fingers, lips and other bits that literally made my toes curl. LITERALLY....my toes ACTUALLY curled - and here all along I thought that was just an expression!!

Suffice it to say that once I had a bit of the Bentley drug...I was addicted.

In the space of 24hrs I believe that we spent roughly 18 of them naked in bed exploring each other over and over again. There are still places of pleasure I have to learn about him. Sleep was not quite on the menu...textures, smells, and all manner of pleasures were ours to be had. We gorged on each other which did amazing things to my somewhat anorexic sex life.

It was a marathon of sex. 4hrs of intense forplay followed by 14hrs of unbridled passion. I couldn't stop smiling for days. DAYS I tell you!

There's only one more thing I have to say about Bentley right now...

Please Sir....I'd like s'more.

The Marathon - Part 1

I didn’t even know I was in a marathon until it was almost over. I know that seems strange…but I wasn’t training for it or had any forethought of even being in a marathon…I just sort of found myself in one!

I should also tell you that I hate running. But I loved this marathon. That’s cuz the marathon wasn’t one in which I was running…it was one in which I was fucking.

I am not even sure how to tell the tale succinctly. Perhaps I should begin back in December when there was first contact between Bentley and myself.

I guess it all started with a bit of bantering back and forth really. Some witty comments exchanged or observed and then a confession from Bentley to me that he felt I had a certain “Joie de vivre!” Clearly he is observant…for I’m sure we can all agree that my vivre is certainly joie!

I was curious about him…from all accounts his sarcasm matches my own and he was, after all, sporting a freshly shaved head. (yes I have a thing for bald guys…don’t ask just accept).

So when the next opportunity came around to meet with him in person I admit to taking special care to make my appearance appealing. (read I made sure I looked HOT!). Unfortunately, the evening wasn’t at all what I had hoped for. I drank a bit…he drank a lot. I came over to talk to him a few times and he seemed rather unimpressed with anything I had to say, nor did he engage me in much conversation himself. By the time I was leaving I thought I’d give it one last ‘go’. I was met with the complete opposite of what I had thought might occur. In fact…I think he insulted me…though we were both a bit drunk and I wasn’t sure what was going on.

The next few weeks it was a blur of Chrismasness so nothing more transpired between us.

New Years Eve…well…let’s just say that I was too busy trying NOT to kiss boys that I ended up kissing quite a few girls…though somehow did manage to kiss 2 boys in there as well.

I actually was quite taken aback by the first kiss I had with Bentley. It was on New Year’s and it was shortly after 12…probably 12:10 or so after I finished slipping Chloie my tongue for the 2^nd time that night. (she’s a great kisser…tongue ring and all!!!)

I saw the glint in his eye and wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. I was wondering if he was making fun of me at first…until his hand slid up and into my hair, pulling my head gently down towards his lips.

The kiss started off as first kisses are meant to. A bit shy…a bit timid…lips touching lips, slightly parted…waiting for acceptance, luxuriating in the feel of smooth skin on smooth skin. The pressure on the back of my head is a bit more and we just melt into the kiss…tongues gently sliding in, probing, tasting, playing. Lips are nibbled, teeth are grazed and the kiss becomes a bit more passionate…I admit to being the aggressor in that.

I had a 2^nd kiss with Bentley on New Year’s right before he left for the night. With that one we were both struggling to take control of the kiss…each one wanting to get the upper hand. Stupid drunk games… I wanted to show him I wasn’t submissive…but he wasn’t either…I don’t know who got bit more – him or me…but I still enjoyed it.

After New Year’s there was silence for a few days. Dust settling to the ground waiting for sun light to dance in.

Soon there was some MSNing…just a bit. Lots of flirting…lots of talk. Then came the time to decide if it was ALL talk…of if there was any substance behind our exchange. A challenge was thrown down by Bentley.

“tell you what. if you can handle a little company tonight, i'd be more than happy to see what kind of sparks we can throw off. no sex...but we can play.”

Play. The word jumped up off my screen, did a little dance and I swear to god it flashed me. It was so delectable, so exciting…so irresistible.

I found myself agreeing and even looking forward to calling. I felt like a woman in total control of her sexuality and I couldn’t wait to see if the written banter we had back and forth could translate equally as frisky in person.

My night went well. I met up with some girlies, we had some laughs and I even danced. I felt sexy without having dressed over the top. I felt witty and flirty with just the right amount of dirty thrown in. Don’t get me wrong;I was having a good time with the girls, but I kept flashing back to the kisses I’d had with Bentley and I found myself looking forward to midnight when I would phone Bentley and make the necessary arrangements.

Too soon or too late it was Midnight. I was nervous and excited and I left the pub in a flurry of activity. I dialed Bentley’s mobile and he answered right away.

A magical date

Ok...so I know that I promised to give you the low down on the date I went on a few weeks ago and here it is.

It's not with anyone new...so don't get worried there. In fact, I have known this person for a long time but had lost touch with them about the 5th or 6th month after I started dating Ronan. I did see glimpses of them here and there but never made any time to really connect or have much of a conversation with them.

It wasn't until about 2 weeks before I broke up with Ronan that I recognized this person while at the movies with my friend Anna. As the movie played out...I could hear this person talking and immediately recognized the voice. This was a major factor in my decision to break up with Ronan.

Now...I don't want to hear any sharp gasps or even thoughts that you think I would have cheated on Ronan with this person. In fact...you will be shocked to find out that the person I am talking about is none other than Myself.

Yes...it's true. I am talking about ME.

Since I've been single again I have been thinking a lot about what happened in my relationship with Ronan and why things went so sideways. I have come to discover it was because I wasn't always true to myself in my relationship with him. In order to get back to feeling better, I decided that it was high time I took myself out on a date and got to know me once again.

So it started out pretty casual...a walk down to the local Mega Bucks for my new hot drink of choice....Steamed Apple Cider (plain). I then walked towards English Bay but decided against walking the seawall as that would only remind me of Ronan and our evening walks...so I chose to walk up Davie St instead.

I walk past several cafes, interesting people and some dogs. It's a cold night, but a clear one, so I continue walking. Pretty soon I'm in Yaletown and I remember this neat little cafe and billiards place I used to like to go to. So off I go to The Soho and grab the last available pool table.

6 Games of solo- pool and 2 glasses of wine later I was feeling pretty good. I was 100% comfortable being by myself and playing pool and though I wondered about the appropriateness of the 2nd glass...the wine was very tastey and worth the $12.00 I spent on it.

On my walk home I ran into 2 guy friends of mine who were out and about and sat with them for a bit to visit. I told them that I was on a date with myself and they both agreed that I was being terribly rude to my date by sitting with them. And they were right...the night was about me! Hugs and kisses later I walked back to my Spanish Abode.

Upon arriving at the door to my actual apartment, I took a moment to think about how my ME time had gone. I was so charmed by myself that when I got inside my place, I took advantage of myself and decided it was time to get to know another thing in my life that I had put away for the ENTIRE time I dated Ronan.

That's right....I brought out the thing that goes BUZZZZZ in the night!

The next day I couldn't stop smiling as I went to work.

It's good to date me again...I'm fabulous.

The Follow Through

Alright I know…I’ve been remiss in keeping this up to date. I promise a bit more follow through.

There have been a lot of things going on and I am happy to report that I seem to be doing fairly well despite having some blue moments here and there.

For the first week after I split from Ronan I felt very good. Then I talked to him. He called me to be clear. In fact, the conversation started off really nice and I wondered briefly if I made the right decision. And then, then it became glaringly obvious that I had indeed made the right decision.

Y’see…Ronan didn’t phone me because he missed me. He didn’t phone me to find out how I was or to wish me well or for any other reason other than to get me to take him to a major sporting event that I had an extra ticket to. That’s right…I had forgotten that so much of our relationship was ALLLL about him. This phone call made it ever-so-clear that not only had I made the right choice in leaving him, but it was also a painful reminder that I really should have done it 4 months earlier.

When the conversation turned ugly, I chose to end it. I told him I was going to hang up, I told him I didn’t want to talk to him again, I told him to move on with his life and then said a very emphatic “Good Bye!”. I hung up the phone.

It rang nearly immediately. Thanks to Call Display I knew it was him. I ignored it. It rang again. Same thing. I think this went on for about 4 times. He left 2 voice messages. I picked up the phone and decided I would see what he had to say. In the middle of retrieving my phone messages he phones again…I sigh and pick up.

He starts off with a massive apology and begs me not to check my messages. That he didn’t mean the awful things he said. Well…holy shit! I’m thinking. I am glad I didn’t listen to what ever toxic shit he was spewing out at me. He begs me to take him to the game, begs me to forgive him for his terrible behavior and begs me to send him a photo of himself at Corinna’s wedding. He claims this is for his family, but we both knew it was so that he could post up on some sort of internet dating site. I told him I wouldn’t listen to the voice mail (after all…why do I want to hear garbage??) and that I would email him the picture but that I would most definitely NOT be taking him to the game. I asked him if he would send me the photos from our vacation and he said he would.

Of course, I have lived up to my end of the bargain. Any guesses as to whether or not Ronan has followed through with his promise of sending me the vacation photos? Any takers??? No? Well….I don’t really blame you. He was incapable of following through with anything when we were dating…so naturally it goes to follow that he remains consistent in his inability to follow through on his word when we have broken up.

Having said all of this, I am, actually, quite content.

I finally caved in and got some cable….along with reliable internet access. I am spending some time watching the news (informative but rather depressing) and most other times just puttering around my apartment. I have been keeping it in a state of semi-clean for a few weeks up until this past weekend when squalor once again has visited my Spanish Abode.

I would like to blame my social calendar…I have been out and about quite a lot these last 3 weeks. However, I am sure we can all agree, that I do have 15 minutes to spend every day to do the dishes, tidy the living room, put my clothes away and sweep the floor.

I have decided that I actually love my place when it’s very clean…so I must take the time to keep it that way. Besides that…I love to be spontaneous and be comfortable inviting my friends over at a moment’s notice. This means that my place must always be “visitor ready”.

Alright…this is it for today.

Next time I’ll tell you about the date I went on….

The Lovey List

Alrighty! I have spent the last little while wondering what is important to me FOR me. I have come up with a few things and have listed them here. I think that Lists are an important part of my life. I never feel like I am enslaved to them, rather they help me not to be a slave to chaos.

I figure I have 3 key areas of my life that I need to focus my attention on so that I will once again feel more settled and happy.

PHYSICAL HEALTH
* I vow to go to the gym 4 days out of 7.
I don't have to go on 4 consecutive days...but in a 7 day period (typically from Sunday - Sunday) I must go at least 4 times to the gym.

* I vow to walk to the seawall (all 10K of it) on one day of my weekend provided that it is not raining heavily. I have a rain jacket...I can use that if it sprinkles/showers. If it's pouring down rain...I will give it a pass. My goal is health...not pneumonia

*I vow to join a Kundalini Yoga class once more. Further more...I vow to NEVER blow this class off for ANYONE! This class will be MY class. This is something I need to do for myself and I will not compromise this for anyone.

*I vow to cook more of my own meals and to bring my lunch to work every day except Fridays. Friday will be my treat day to eat out at The Salad Loop. (yummy garlic beans)

*I vow to eat my food more slowly...to really chew and enjoy my food and not wolf it all down in 5 minutes.

EMOTIONAL HEALTH

*I vow to be kind to myself. This means not calling myself names or getting down on myself when I make an error.

*I vow to live in the moment. This means letting go of the past and not worrying about what people think.

*I vow to buy myself flowers...at least 10 large gerberra daisies once a month.

*I vow to get up early every day to style my hair, do my make up and face the world with class.

*I vow to give more hugs, compliments and kisses.! Well...for now my kisses are reserved to my two gorgeous nephews.

*I vow constantly pursue my own sense of self worth and beauty. This means getting better acquainted with my body.

INTELLECTUAL HEALTH

*I vow to read one non-fiction book in between fiction books.

*I vow to learn another language. Spanish! New classes begin in Jan.

*I vow to take in more shows at the Art gallery, more Live Theatre and more Live Music.

*I vow to learn about the wines I enjoy so much by attending wine tasting around town.



This is just the beginning. Feel free to add any suggestions. Remember that it has to be inspiring and it has to not harm anyone.

Lovey Dovey Kwerkie.

Once more into the breech

I can't remember if I used that title for The Single Files....I think I have used it somewhere somewhat recently but for the life of me I can't seem to remember any specifics. Ah well...Shakey baby will forgive my usage of it I'm sure.


I'm sure you are all wondering where the hell I've been for the last month or so. The answer to that is simple...I was hiding from you all. Yes, it's true. I even considered retiring The Single Files due to all the comments that I took far too personally. I'm a sensitive chicky...some comments hurt.

HOWEVER! I can't blame anyone but myself for that. When I started this whole thing off I knew that I was writing some pretty intense stuff and so much of it so honestly and openly that it was only a matter of time before my feelings were hurt. And so la - it happened.

I will continue on with The Single Files and it is unlikely that I will be able to change my open way of writing or sharing...I will just learn to deal with the comments in a better way. This is not a plea for those of you who do comment to stop commenting nor am I asking you to cushion your comments. Don't change, you are wonderful the way you are.

I have broken up with Ronan. It has taken me a while to do that and even longer to post about it, but there it is...done. I'm not going to get into the nasty details of it all. Suffice to say that there was something about camels, straws and a broken back.

I am still feeling blue about it. I am sure that made the right decision and I know that at the end even he knew that we were not a good enough match. It doesn't deminish the hurt...there was a lot of love there at one point. Sadly, love was not enough.

So now that I am single again I will; of course, be getting a hair cut. Yes..a hair cut. I have just managed to grow my lovely locks back again and now I must once more chop them off. I am the Sampson of dating. My hair gives me special dating powers so in order to fully recoup from my broken heart I must chop my hair off and start again.

I am confident that by the time my locks are once more lengthy enough for full on Kitten status I will be once more ready to venture out into the dating world. Until that time...I am on a very serious journey of getting back to ME!

The First Step of the Journey To Me required me to update The Single Files.

For the next little while The Single Files will be a reflection on me being Single...not dating...but facing the every day issues as an active participant in my own life and happiness. This might make for some mundane posts, but I believe that there will be some wisdom and good ol' fashion mental health benefits in there - something which I know I can use right about now.

I believe that in order to focus on this whole process properly...that it will be necessary to make a Loving List. Something that I can look at, work towards, and put into action EVERY DAY to improve myself on 3 key levels. 1) Physical Health. 2) Emotional Health. 3) Intellectual Health.

Alright...off now to compose The Kwerkie Lovey List.

Kwerkie!
P.S.
Dan - I have not forgotten about you and was very pleased to see your link on here. I haven't been reading very much but vow to start my regular viewing habits once more. Congratulations on the new post and I will share my reactions on here for you to see :).

Aging Gracefully

2 days before my 31st Birthday I had a young girl - probaby aged 17 or so - tell me (and I quote)
"You look so good for your age".

The words hung in the air and I sprouted 3 grey hairs as they clung there for dear life.

So good for my age?? Is she fucking kidding me?? I never thought *I* would be the one to say this but..."Kids these days!" Jayzus! I'm 31 I'm not 61!

I have fallen into a bit of a slump the 2 weeks before my birthday. I guess that I am feeling like I AM getting a bit old. I can actually start to hear my biological clock...it's not a nice sound. It used to be a polite "tick tick tick" in the back of my cerebral cortex...now it has moved it's way to the forefront of my brain with a slightly anoying "Tick tick tick".

It gets even louder when I see my nephews but especially when I hold them. Then its more like a phreaking BOOM than a tick. But once the little ones squirm too much or cry too loudly then the BOOM retreats into a fainly audible "psst psst psst".

Oh who knows...I waffle back and forth on the kid issue. Would I like them? Maybe with the right guy and definitely at the right time. Now is not that time...and if I'm 38 and still haven't found all the elements in place...then I guess I will get some puppies instead - at least they don't talk back!

I have begun to find new things in my life to foucs on. I still love my job and I am actually beginning to think more and more about how I can do more things in the office. I would really like to have more involvment with the advertisement and promotional stuff. Right now Simone does a lot of that sort of stuff and I get the impression from her that she doesn't enjoy it so much. Besides that...she's so phreakin' busy that she doesn't have time for it! So I'd love to learn and take that stuff over.

Also...I can see where this company can grow if we just changed a few of our "set" ideas. There was talk about doing up another Festival and I think that it would be a good time to set the ball in motion for that. I am actually looking at this as where I want to go wtih my CAREER not just how can I feel good about my JOB. There is a difference I think between a Career and a Job. I'd like the first option please.

I think these are signs of maturity. That's nice. I guess I had to start maturing at some time. 31 might be the magic number!

Ok...more another time.

Kwerkie.

Excuse me…has anyone seen my stapler?

One of my all time fantasies has been to have sex on my desk in the office. I had the most delicious dream about it the other night and I just feel compelled to share.

In my dream I was meeting Ronan to pick up some things from my office before heading out of town. I was wearing a very short skirt (VERY SHORT!!) and a low cut top. My hair was perfectly coiffed (this is how you can tell it’s a dream….my hair is NEVER perfectly coiffed unless I just stepped out of the salon…and even then it has a “perfect” life span of about 30 minutes) and my make up was sexy and sultry…in a word….I looked HOT!

We arrive at my office building after hours and I use my security key to get us up the locked elevator. Upon exiting the elevator I notice that even the lights in the hallway are seductively low and there are mumbled voices from the telemarketer’s office…the only office with anyone in it at the late hour of 10PM.

Ronan is nuzzling my neck as I fumble with the keys and the electric key code lock before finally entering my office. It’s raining outside and the dim lights from the street give the office an alluring glow. I turn on the lights which Ronan then promptly turns off…this in turn, turns me on.

I walk through the centre of the office trying to find the materials I came to collect when the next thing I know Ronan comes up behind me, puts his arm around me neck to pull me closer to him and he begins to kiss and nuzzle some more at my ears. I am having difficulty standing up and lean back into Ronan and his kisses. His hands are busy running under my shirt and over my breasts.

I turn and faced him; we kissed passionately as his hands traveled further down my body and up my skirt. My g-string was removed with one fluid downward motion of his hand and body and he lifts my skirt to expose my clean shaven pink bits. He grumbles as he feels how smooth my skin is.

“The cleaners…they haven’t come yet”. I madly whisper.

“You haven’t either. Relax…we’ll hear them, there’s time.”

Half pulling half pushing me, he circled around me groping and kissing and moving me forward. I didn’t know where his hands or mouth would move next. I bump into something solid…my desk. I am pushed back onto my desk as his fingers begin to stroke and slide around my thighs. He kneels before me and I lay back on my desk as his tongue probes the sudden wetness between my legs. I am moaning and groaning with delight.

His tongue flicks smoothly over and over my clit and I am squirming with pleasure. I am desperately trying to keep quiet. The pleasure and pressure builds…I’m writhing uncontrollably and somehow manage to move my shoulder onto my stapler.

“Yes” I moan.

“Click” the stapler replies.

“Ohhh yes, right there” I sigh.

“Click, crunch click” the stapler responds.

“YES…ummmphhh…Yessssss”.

“Click click crunch clack click crunch” the stapler is urging me on.

“MmmMMMPHHRRRRFFFF”.

“CACHUNK” the stapler demands.

“MMMM”

“Click Click CLACK”

“MMMRRFFGGFFFFF”.

“CACHUNK CACHUNK CACHUNK”.

“mmmmmmmmmmmmm….thank you”. I manage after my release.

“click” the stapler politely chirps back.

Ronan eases me up from my desk and kisses me deeply. I can taste myself on him and this only heightens my arousal once more. I return the kiss deeper and more forceful. Ronan will not succumb to my attempt at dominance and instead puts both is hands on my shoulders urging me downward to his already exposed hardness.

I needed no further encouragement. I felt so excited at doing something so dangerous. I was aware of the voices in the next office and knew that at any moment we could be discovered by the cleaners. This knowledge made me freer, less inhibited and I knelt down and began to tease him with the tip of my tongue.

At the first touch of wetness Ronan sucks in his breath. When I take him all in my mouth he lets it out with a whispered “Fuck yeah”. With one hand I grab his hands and put them at the back of my head…I wanted to be dirty…I wanted to be bad…I wanted him to fuck my mouth.

Lacing his fingers through my hair Ronan grabs a hold of my head and doesn’t disappoint me. He knew how far he could go. Ronan is not a small man by any means and taking him all in my mouth is a challenge to say the least. I did the very best I could and grew even more excited at the sounds and ragged breath coming from his lips.

He pulled me up from my knees, kissed me hard on the lips…I could feel them swell from the collision. He spun me around nearly violently and hoisted my skirt up to my hips.

I am bent over my desk, knees slightly bent to give him better access and he as he plunged inside of me and we both cried out with pleasure. And then there is nothing for it. My face is inches from my stapler and we are fucking like rabid dogs on my desk. Long hard deep strokes, with every thrust I knew I was closer to the edge. My hands are steadying me against the desk and I begin to feel the heat curl up from my toes. My cries are muffled as best as I can. As I cum I slam my hand down on the stapler harder and harder until there are 9 bent and glinting pieces of metal in a tiny pile of orgasmic bliss.

Ronan is still thrusting and I could tell he was close…and then…and then the unthinkable happened….the Cleaners arrived! We both heard them banging their equipment as they got out of the elevator down the hall. Ronan jumped off, pulled his pants up and shirt down while I also quickly gathered myself together, swiftly stowing my G-string in my purse. Thank GOD I was wearing a skirt!

A quick double check by both of us and we nodded to each other. Ronan turned on the lights as I gathered up the materials I needed for my trip. The cleaners arrived at the door just as Ronan opened it. We both smiled at the cleaner…our faces flushed and my knees wobbly. A friendly hello was exchanged between the 3 of us and then Ronan and I were off….down the elevator and into the basement both of us bursting with laughing.

It was only after I woke up from my dream that I realized how very selfish it all was. Ronan has always been keen about giving me “Kwerkie only” nights of passion and here it manifested itself into dream.

*le sigh*.

Now whenever I look at my stapler at work…I feel a deep blush in my cheeks and a deep heat between my legs.

I have new respect for the guy in Office Space. After a dream like that I don't want to lose my stapler either.

And on one more funny note....printed in happy letters on the face of my stapler are the words "Bates 550". Oh my!

Kwerkie