Hello Lover

It's been a long time my little chickens. A VERY long time indeed. This will be breif and not as pleasant as I had intended my comeback to be. I suppose if I were to describe what this really is - it would be an announcement of an intention to comeback. I can nearly hear it now...the roar of the crowd, the anticipation so great you can nearly smell it and then the loud, roaring voice of the announcer "Are you ready to rrrrrrrrumble?". Or some reasonable facsimile thereof. In a few short weeks you can expect to find me posting my updates from the last year and a half. There are many. Some of them humerous, some of them sad, but all of them honest reflections

during a rather difficult yet rewarding time in my life. Stay tuned my little chickens...there are rumblings to be had!

To Be

Sometimes it's incredible this overwhelming desire to just BE. I am growing softer lately I think -more open to my own vulnerability and more open to learning from my mistakes instead of just pointing at them all lined up like fallen soldiers in a war only I'm fighting.

I'm listing to a lot of introspective music lately - or at least the sort of music that facilitates a lot of introspection. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between personal weaknesses and ego vulnerabilities lately. I am less and less patient with what I consider to be weakness - both from myself and with others but I am craving understanding - both from myself and for others. It's such a strange tight-rope I feel I'm walking.

Lately I just want to BE. I imagine my life after graduation. I imagine my clothes, where I will live, my lovers, my friends and I imagine living the perfect combination of hippy-gypsy lifestyle. I want to travel and I want to have roots. I want to love men and women and I want to have one partner in every sense of the word. I am full of contradictions and feel like somehow I will actually have to just choose ONE thing.

I'm 37. I feel like maybe I am not suppose to have just one thing because surely if I was supposed to have my one partner then I would have found him by now. Surely if I were meant to have a family then I would have been able to make that happen by now and not when the window is all but shut for that sort of thing.

I feel like I need to have a funeral for dreams that will never be - to just let them go so I can focus on something more attainable like finishing school, having a fantastic practice and maintaining my great friendships and having bees and goats and maybe another dog or 2.

I could be that fantastic Aunt Kathy where my nephews and niece come to visit me on my farm or far away cottage in some cozy European village someplace. I could have lovers come and go and have fantastic friends and art and dinner parties and live out my days taking up languages and traveling and maybe learning how to paint or draw or write books on how to live in the moment.

Mostly I just want to learn how to BE. Maybe it's just not possible right now as I find myself fighting with myself and my beliefs as I go through school. I need to find the quiet moments every day to just remmeber who I really am deep down in my core.

37 ...how did I end up here?

So, my birthday has come and gone and so has Will.

I haven't been able to let myself fully understand and let go of all that happened between Will and I but I am happier without him. I broke up with him just after my birthday and we were together for just over a year. I suppose if I were totally honest with myself (and you too my little chickens) I will have to say that I pretty much knew that the relationship was over 2 days before we moved in together.

I need a partner. I need someone who isn't afraid of themselves. I need someone who won't try to manipulate their way out of their mistakes. I need someone who actually has self confidence and who actually has opinions and beliefs of their own.

Will did not fit any of the above description but he sure did a good impersonation of those qualities for exactly 5 months. After the 5 month mark he really just got tired of being someone he was not and then his constant neediness, insecurity, sloven nature just came straight out. It was hard to be the adult in the relationship all the time. It was just too much pressure on me while going to school and trying to learn all there is to learn for my RMT course with him being sooooo incapable of being a functioning adult.

I know I have often dreamed of being a mother...but it's not the role I want to play in my romantic relationship. I mean...Will could barely brush his teeth each and every day and I found myself nagging at him like a mother would to a child.

So here I am at 37, single, a full time student and poor with debt just piling up. How the FUCK did I end up here?? I know that school is what I need to be focused on. I know that the debt shouldn't be what stops me from continuing on with my studies, after all, once I'm finished school and a working RMT it won't take me too long to pay it all off.

Maybe I just need to allow myself to let go of all the "what if's" and the disappointments of the last few years. I don't want to be a woman that relies on a man for approval but I am feeling lonely, I mean, soul wrenching at my core lonely. I have AMAZING friends but I do crave having a supportive loving partner.

The older I get the more I wonder if my ideas of a partner are that far fetched or if I simply waste my time with the Eeyore's (Will), the Cowards (Jordan) or a laundry list of other men that I dated just because I am lonely and not because they were good matches for me.

The GOOD NEWS is that being at school and doing what I'm doing has always felt right. This path I'm on is exactly where I need to be for my career and I am truly grateful for that. It's difficult, but it's not out of reach and I am able to pull up my socks and buckle down when needed. I feel like pretty soon I need to BUST OUT and do something wild...but what?

I've considered moving to someplace totally different after I get my license. Packing up and taking Tiernan with me to someplace. Ireland, England, Costa Rica or maybe even living in the South of France or Italy. Who knows. Maybe my thoughts of leaving is just me trying to run away from myself - again.

I feel rusty at this and clumsy. Words aren't flowing freely as once they did but that might be because I'm joking on how I am once more complaining when in the grand scheme of things I have it relatively easy.

I do instinctively feel that if I just focus on ME right now that it's truly the best course of action. Will I find love and a partner I want to spend my life with? Who knows. But without my health, family, friends and a satisfying career it won't matter.

Hind Sight is 20/20

So you may or may not have noticed that I posted a somewhat bitchy/pathetic/self indulgent (though really what is The Single Files if not a total drive down Narcisitic Avenue with a few stops along Pity Party Lane and Personal Epiphany Crescent??) about Will.

I am struggling right now with what I want on a few levels. I am sorry to have teased and then recanted but I need a bit of time to sort out my feelings and talk to Will and figure it all out.

So la. There you go.

I would like to write more but I really need to go off and study. These muscles and joints won't learn themselves!!

A look can say 1000 words

I was on the bus a few weeks ago minus my iPod. Normally being without my music would not bother me, but that day I was sitting at the back of the bus and had the misfortune to be within earshot of girl who appeared to be in her early 20's yammering incessantly on her mobile phone. I was shocked at the language coming out of this girl's mouth! She was on her mobile chatting quite loudly to whomever was on the other end of the phone. At first the conversation was banal - what did you do last night, how drunk was I at the party etc etc. After about two minutes however the conversation turned into "do you know girl X and isn't' she a (insert multiple unflattering expletives here). The absolute drivel and verbal abuse spilling out from her mouth was dumbfounding.

I looked at this woman trying to determine if the conversation she was having was simply for show - a young girl who might be needing to show off her bravado by slandering anyone of the same gender she knows and making sure everyone around her could hear what a bad-ass she was. I looked away from her and across the aisle of the bus to the fellow seated opposite me. For the next 5 minutes or so this man and I had an entire conversation about the young girl without ever saying a word.

I catch his eye and give a apprehensive smile while raising my eyebrows. He counters by giving a sideways glance towards the mobile motor-mouth and finishes his non verbal statement with a roll of his eyes. I nod my head in agreement - certain he was telling me he found this girl equally as annoying as I did. The girl lets out a flurry of f-bombs and the guy across from me widens his eyes in surprise and and gives me a perplexed look. I shake my head from side to side indicating that I too can't believe what I am being forced to hear. During my non-verbal exchange with the man across from me I was amazed at how a contraction of just a few muscles can really convey complex thoughts.

I looked around at the people seated directly beside this offensive girl and noted without surprise that the 6 people closest to her were making several faces displaying everything from disgust to annoyance to exasperation. I share a nod of my head and wry smile with 3 of them. In all of these exchanges of looks I purposely avoided making direct eye contact with the object of my offense. I was convinced that from the ease at which she chose profanity over any other descriptive words that I would be directly subjected to an onslaught of malediction; and though I do like to consider myself a bit of a wordsmith, I knew that any clever retort I had for her would just be lost in translation from my proper English to her Jersey Shore.

I'm sure it was a short time later but it seemed like an hour, the girl got off the bus. An eruption of applause breaks out from the people who were seated closest to her. No one says a word but the smiles and clapping say it all. Thank GOODNESS that girl has left and we might now find some peace in which to unwind from our busy day.

I try to be conscious of my facial expressions so as not to give away too many of my inner thoughts by having them reflected in my face. Bored in class? Try to keep a neutral face so my instructor doesn't take personal offense. Have a great poker hand? Best not to smile to give that away. Feeling amorous? A twinkle in my eye and a raise of my eyebrow and my lover responds well to my non-verbal advances.

I like to think that I'm a fairly expressive person both verbally and non-verbally. In fact, I believe that I am more prone to non-verbal communication than verbal. A picture may be worth a thousand words but one look can say it all.

EPIC proportions....or reasonable facsimile thereof

I've said it before and I'll say it again....ALBATROSS!!

This blog plagues me, hounds me, delights me, astounds me. I have such a love-hate relationship with The Single Files...it just baffles me. I waffle from wanting to blow this whole thing up to wanting to make some serious time to devote to it and turn this into some sort of magic money making display of narcissism.

I have successfully moved to Vancouver (well..Langley) and that's been going really well for me! I am so close to school now I can taste it! In just 7 more business days I get to quit and watch my boss's head explode. My fervent hope is that he TOTALLY loses his nut and doesn't want me to finish out my 2 weeks notice so that I get paid for having a holiday before school starts. I can dream...it's not likely going to happen the way I want it to but I am prepared to work the last 12 days anyway. He did already mention that the office is closed on the 24 and 27 of DEC so he can't really expect me to come in on those 'closed' days....can he? I don't think so.

I've met a fantastic man and things seem to be going OK there. There's only one MAJOR problem. It's a Jordan 2.0. Will (as I shall name him) can not orgasm during sex. Says it's "normal" for him. Well....it's NOT normal. It's in no fucking way normal.

*sigh*

I am not really prepared or well equipped to deal with this sexual dysfunction. Will doesn't think this is an issue. He thinks it's going to sort itself out. He says he takes MONTHS to reach orgasm with a new partner and it takes him over an hour to reach orgasm on his own through masturbation. HOW CAN THIS BE NORMAL?? Just because he's had this all his life doesn't mean there isn't some sort of vascular disorder going on. He has NEVER even mentioned this to a DR. Will is far too concerned with me and MY orgasm which at this point is pretty ridiculous as I can pretty much get myself off within 15 minutes of naked fun time with Will. I believe that this is a 2 fold problem - physical and mental. Will is too much in his head, he needs to just enjoy the moments and the ride and let himself go.

What is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning here? What is the Universe trying to teach me?? Will is a wonderful man, he's caring, he's smart, he's a bit of a wimp in some ways and I'm not being mean when I say he's definitely the "girl" in our relationship. He's much more sensitive than I am. He's much more shy than I am - though I suppose it's such an unfair comparison considering I can barely comprehend the concept of shyness. There are a myriad of reasons why I really do care for Will. This sex issue though is a huge hurdle for me and he seems to think I should be OK with it. That I have to have patience with him and it will magically clear itself up with him reaching orgasm about once every 12 times we have sex...which was the record he had with his last lover.

I am just flabbergasted that I could have met TWO men in the same year who suffer from the EXACT same physical affliction. Having said that they couldn't be more opposite from each other personality wise.

Oh..PS. I'm a bit PMSY and bitchy today and I know it's coming out in my writing. I'm writing when I'm frustrated too so that's not helping the tone of this at all.

I feel like I need to be keeping this up in some way. I need to get into a habit and a ritual and some sort of routine! School will start in January and I'm sure I'll just naturally fall into that.

Enough for now. More soon (ish).

Talking the Talk AND walking the walk

Am I at risk of getting laryngitis AND blisters?

Last night my Stampede Booty call texted me after a week of being non-communicato. We were to have plans on the Tuesday when I got back from Vancouver but after not hearing from him I sent him a text asking if he forgot about me. He called about an hour later and I let it go to voice mail. He left some bullshit message about his grandpa being sick/dying etc. I didn't respond.

I deleted him from my phone and carried on with life. So last night I get a text from him and I responded by saying I didn't know who it was (true) and when I DID find out I pretty much told him I wrote him off and that if he actually wanted to woo me that actions speak louder than words. I felt good about my decision and though he 'said' he's going to come to my going away party on Saturday and PROVE to me that he's into me...I am not holding my breath nor do I actually expect him to follow through.

If I've learned one thing from Jordan it's that words are completely useless unless there are actions to back them up. I was so caught up in Jordan's ability to be verbose that I completely failed to notice that for all his pretty words there was absolutely NO actions to back them up.

So I have decided to do things just a bit differently from now on. I'm not only going to be very verbal about how I'm feeling and what I want, but I'm also going to be paying very close attention to words met with actions. Empty words are just like a trashy romance novel - sure they may get you excited but no words have ever been able to give me an orgasm or keep me warm at night or dance with me or put a ring on my finger.

So la! It is true what they say - actions DO speak louder than words and I won't accept anything less than BIG BOOMING ACTIONS!

Maybe I'm finally getting it.

I am watching some movies lately about relationships etc and though I know these are all works for fiction and they range from wildly entertaining to mildly annoying I actually think that I have learned something from these movies.

"I Love You Man" staring Jason Segel and Paul Rudd. This is a story about a guy who doesn't have any good close guy friends and as he gets engaged he realizes that he doesn't have a 'best man'. He finds Jason Segel and shenanigans occur. But here's the thing - the message is not about being best friends, it's more about being open and honest and communicating and living in the NOW.

"He's Just Not That Into You". We know what this is about, and the premise is to be more 'eyes open' when it comes to meeting people and stop thinking people are going to change and in all cases run away from the people that are not treating you well or are not what you think jives with what you want.

These are themes I'm trying to really to live right now. I'm trying to get my brain and body in shape. I think if one happens the other will follow. Living with intent is not just a mental/emotional thing, it's going to encompass much much more than that.

I'm slowly letting go of the past 7 months. I'm slowly being able to peel that away and not let it fester and risk it turning ME into a dented can of green beans! It's true that I don't trust men right now, but that won't always be the case. Right now I just need this to be alllll about me.

Is spending time with myself being selfish? Clearly not when I so desperately need to re-connect with myself and set a higher standard for relationships.

Mopey Moving Meh's

So I'm starting the moving process and it occurred to me that despite my best efforts of NOT acquiring too much 'stuff'...I HAVE! I moved to Calgary 2 years ago with a Versa load of stuff and 11 boxes of stuff shipped via Greyhound. Now of course I didn't have huge items like say a bed, dresser, desk, sofa, chaise, dining room table etc etc and I have since my move bought furnishings for 1 bedroom apartment + den...but my GOD! I have a LOT OF STUFFFFF!

It's really my clothes that are surprising. When I moved to Calgary I lost some weight so I bought some clothes. Then I gained about 30 lbs and so...I bought some clothes. Now I've lost 26lbs and guess what??? I bought some clothes! I did try to give some clothes away about 6 months ago and that worked to clear up *some* closet space but I really just need to be ruthless in this move.

I need to only keep the clothes that fit me now. Keeping bigger clothes isn't the way to go and hoping I'll shrink down to fit into something isn't healthy either.

The good news is that I haven't collected too many nicky-nacky things at all. I have minimal decorative pieces. I do, however, have 4 of Lady K's artworks and though I I know I can hang up 3 of them in my room and have them be lovely I am stumped as to where to put the Flaming Lady! Le boo! Maybe I can convince Leroy to hang it in the stairwell from the ground level to the living room level.

I wonder how many boxes of my stuff I'll end up with this move. My guess is going to be somewhere between 30 and 40.

The apartment is being shown tomorrow so I need to clean like a mad bastard tomorrow. It's the office that is the problem. I need to clean the kitchen floor too and the bathroom. Other than that I'm good to go.

The boob tube

That was what my father used to refer to TV as- the boob tube. It's more than ever appropriate on a few levels now. So much sex and far too much stupidity...boobs are everywhere!!

I admit to watching too much tv lately. I should be out with Tiernan but instead I sit and mope and watch fantasy lives live out fantasy tales. I've watched some pretty interesting shows where some lovely young nubile blond who's just absolutely picture perfect gives the 'average' woman tips on how to meet and flirt with men. During the half hour episodes this lovely young lady who is amazingly attractive simply has no problem meeting drop dead gorgeous successful men. "See!" she exclaims "It's easy!".

I wonder when there will be a show for the actual average person? The very strange "More to Love" show was all about women who had zero self esteem trying to find love with a very successful chubby man who is pretty much portrayed as the funny chubby frat boy. He picks the skinniest of the girls btw.

I'd agree to submit myself to total public scrutiny and pity and pithy and whatever else the general populace does for reality shows. I'd do it in a heart beat...but it wouldn't be a "The Bachelor/ette" type situation. It would be more along the lines of actual real life situations. I wonder why people buy into these shows when it's as far from reality as possible. No one actually dates 14 people at a time let alone have a 'date' with 4 (or more) people at the exact same time/event!

Would normal people sign up for that? I wonder. Maybe I could conduct my own experiment. I suppose the monetary reward is what makes these men and women sign up for these shows and since I can't offer that sort of thing...I wonder what the incentive would be for men to sign up for my experiment. Would they sign up based ONLY on the incentive of finding real-live-dead-crunchy-frog-leg love?

I'd need a camera crew and maybe even an editor to help with this and they'd have to be just doing it for the love of the art and reality documentaries. I'm interesting, witty and not that bad looking if I do say so myself. My life would be interesting tv - losing weight, finding love and changing careers!

I might think about this seriously. The only thing I'd be concerned about would be how much privacy could I still maintain while sharing my life? Sleeping in, spending long lazy afternoons masturbating would all be out. Even having sex with one or more of these potential men would have to be out. What else would I have to shut out just to maintain a modicum of sanity?

It's so crazy this might just work!!

I'm blaming the hormones...

I was presented with an opportunity to see Jordan tonight in a social situation. I declined. I was so happy for the forewarning though because I would have lost my nut if I showed up and he was there.

When I found out he was going to attend tonight's dinner I cried. Why am I not able to put this aside? It's been 2 months since the break up and I am still stupid hung up on this guy!!! I still feel hurt and angry and the worst of this is that I KNOW he doesn't give a shit. He has moved on...though I suppose that is an erroneous statement - he wasn't ever actually IN the relationship with me. If you're not attached there is nothing to move on from.

It just reinforces my breakup beliefs. After sex you have to do a face to face break up and you should always be respectful. It doesn't have to be a big long drawn out event but you really do need to be respectful and honest. Jordan failed on all these points.

I know he's a douchebag. I know he's emotionally stunted, a momma's boy and likely his entire sexual dysfunction is wrapped up in his mum. He wouldn't be able to express an honest emotion if it smacked him in his face. He just did and said what he thought was expected of him instead of actually being REAL with himself and others.

I am pissed off at myself that I keep crying over him. I am getting my period tomorrow so I'm going to blame all of this on run away hormones. However, knowing myself the way I do I suspect that the hormones are only 20% of what is going on. I think Jordan was the first person I was really open and honest with and that has made me all the more attached to an idea of what COULD be rather than what actually WAS.

Oh to be a man for one day. To not give a shit how I treat women, to not let myself have any emotional attachment to anything, to fuck whomever I want and be a stud and to have 40 extra pounds and STILL be considered AVERAGE in body type.

Why in 2010 is there still SUCH a crazy double standard for men and women? Well fuck it, I'm not going to allow this.

There is a part of me that just wants to show up and to show him I'm not bothered but at the very end of the day - it doesn't matter. He's not thinking of me, he's not caring what I do or don't do and so my efforts are only counterproductive to being true to myself.

Fuck Jordan - he's not worth one more mention. Ever.

Since theres so much change...

I figured it was time to update the look of the blog. Now granted this isn't actually what I wanted but because I'm a technological peasant I prefer to work with the prefabricated blog templates. I did a bit of tweaking here and there to get it as close to OK as possible but what I'd love is if someone would take the OLD template I had (which I really liked) and meshed it a bit more with the one that I'm currently rockin'.

I think I'm going to try to post a bit more so that I don't let things fester. I have dreams of this blog actually making me a bit of money but that would require a lot of dedication and frankly...a better writing style. Lately my writing has been looser than a Texas Whorehouse Cooch! And really I guess since Nevada and Amsterdam are the well known places where prostitution is legal I should have made that quip a bit more appropriate.

Regardless- here is the new look for now. I might have some help in fiddling around with it to make it a bit easier on the eyes but for now this is what it's going to be!

An apology

Ok, so I realize that earlier today my post was just so full of self pity that it was pretty much impossible not to choke on it. The one good thing was the "acid reflux of the heart" because honestly I DO feel like that might actually be happening to me.

My visit home this past weekend really has made me aware that ALL of my friends in Vancouver are all coupled up. They don't know any single people because *I* am that single person. It's bananas!

I've written off the young dude. We were supposed to have plans tonight but I've heard nothing from him. I finally sent him a text and he responded over an hour later with a voice mail that I believe is just absolute bullshit. I think this time I'm going to LISTEN to my little voice. I just think this guy is full of lies. I don't really have any reason to believe that but I can't help but FEEEEEL it.

I think we can all agree that I am the QUEEN of second (or more) chances but where has that left me? Single at the age of 35 with no real prospects on the horizon at the moment.

School is going to see me with my head in the books and working crazy shifts...I m not sure I'm going to have much time for any sort of romance. So I think it's got me a little scared. HOWEVER! If I can just buckle down and get myself started on my new career why CAN'T I find the love of my life and have a family later in life?

I don't even know if I CAN have kids anymore...who knows what sort of damage may have happened back when I was 22.

Anyway my little chickens, I just want to let you know that I'm very sorry for my childish pity party and bitter bettyness. I am going to start living stronger, these little negative rants that I allow do NOTHING to help me. I can't even say getting them out makes me feel better because what really happens is that I go over and over what I wrote or thought or said and I just keep those negative nelly's on repeat.

SO enough. Seriously.

I am moving in 3 weeks. This needs to be my priority.

Bitter betty once more

I'm feeling pretty bitter again. I'm not sure if this is some sort of acid reflux of the heart or just what but I keep going through these cycles of thinking every single man is an asshole.

I've been on a few 'dates' (I suppose I have to call them something) with a younger fellow and I'm just feeling totally pissy about the whole thing. He's also moving to BC, and in fact, he's going to be living about 15 minutes away from me.

I'm so mad that I never met MY person here in Calgary. I'm 35. My window is nearly closed. I am so bitter now that it even disgusts me let alone what a potential mate would think of me. I have 3 years left to meet someone to have a family and it's just so unlikely at this point you don't have to be a mathematician or a statistics major to figure that out.

I'd like to start believing in past lives so I have someone or something to blame for my total shit storm of a love life.

Fuck. This is just so pathetic.

Want vs. Need - battle royale!

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I WANT in a partner and it suddenly occurred to me that what I WANT might not actually be what I NEED. Desires and Dealbreakers...where is the line?

I WANT a man who's taller than me. Do I NEED that? no.

I WANT a man who has some chest hair. Do I NEED that? no.

I WANT a man who is an active communicator. Do I NEED that? YES

I WANT a man who is a caring and adventurous lover. Do I NEED that? YES
(Oh c'mon! You know my theory!! Good sex will never save a relationship but bad sex will kill it! Just ask Jordan for proof of that!).

I WANT a man who is intelligent and willing to stick up for his beliefs/principles. Do I NEED that? YES.

In relationships from my past I see a lot of compromising on my part. I look past what I actually NEED because I think the men are capable of becoming the men I WANT. I think I've said this many times but men will never change - women won't either. It's not that people aren't capable of growth and change...it's just that so very very few of us actually DO alter our behaviours. Why would we have to in this modern age of dating?? There is another person in the next profile who might/will put up with our behaviours. There is very little incentive to change when your next relationship is just one click of the mouse away.

I turned down sex last night. I knew it was going to be pretty good sex too just by the way he leaned in to kiss me. Hands in my hair, pulling me gently to him, lips just barely touching at first, breathing in, really being in the moment...letting lips and tongues gently explore and then someone groaned (it might have been me)and we gave passion the reigns for a moment or two. And yet...I said no to him coming over and doing all sorts of delightful things to my body.

Did I WANT to have sex? Oh yeah!! But I just knew in my heart that it wasn't what I NEEDED right now.

I am looking forward to moving back home with a fervour that is pretty much incomparable. The support of my friends and family are going to mean a lot to me as I head into school and try to balance school, study, work and life.

I am really going to have to evaluate my WANTS vs NEEDS in the next 3 years. I will be poor and I will need to make very careful choices. This pretty much means giving up alcohol - which is going to be FABULOUS for my waist line ;) I also need to really prioritize my life. School is going to be THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in my life. I really WANT and NEED to do well. This is all part of my journey towards my greater goal for the H3 project.

I am feeling calm. I am ready for this. I will succeed!

Once more for posterity's sake

Soooo...it's been a while since I've updated you on what is happening with me. A few good an a few bad things to be completely honest.

I FINALLY broke up with Jordan. What I mean by that is that *I* finally got it...and I got to say some pretty profound things to him that I really should have said ages ago. My friend card is full...I don't need to maintain a friendship with Jordan because what I was really doing was trying to disguise my friendship with him as a futile hope to get back together. Soooo...as of 2 weeks ago we are DONE! I still think about him but it's never in a longing context...it's more of a "boy I should have paid attention to THIS behaviour". I think it's like when I used to make up rhymes or other mnemonic devices to help me learn concepts in school.

I've let my health slide a bit but am back on track with diet if not a lot of exercise so that feels good. I really do need to keep my drinking in check though...I feel like I'm just drinking far far far too much. Chrissy brought up the fact that she though she was turning into too much of a lush and it made me evaluate my drinking too. This weekend I was tipsy on Friday and totally smashed on Saturday. I'm 35...maybe I should start acting more like that instead of a 21 year old.

I wonder if this is my way of holding onto my slipping youth, or maybe my drinking is the salve I'm putting on the wound that is my singleness. Whatever it is...I intend to stop with the boozing...as soon as I move back to Vancouver.

So that is it my little chickens -the date for the BIG MOVE is set. 13AUG I pick up the Uhaul and 14AUG I drive back with all my worldly goods and move in with Leroy and get things sorted out for school. I am just hoping beyond hope that Leroy doesn't change his mind (again) about me moving in with him. I really need for this to work out - I haven't lived with a roommate for YEARS!!!! I am a bit worried about how this is all going to work but I think that as long as we're both respectful and considerate and honest then we'll be OK. I do think it will be ideal for both of us. I will learn how to budget and to be cleaner and he will be a bit more social and accountable.

Having said that...I am still pursuing the co-op housing situation as a back up plan.

I am both excited and scared. I am also a bit sad to be leaving Chrissy here in Calgary as I've grown quite close to her and will miss the bejeebus out of her!

This is what I want to do...get my RMT license so I can at long last open the H3 project by the time I'm 40. If I'm not going to have a husband and a family of my own then I want to focus on my actual dreams and what I want to have as my legacy.

Ask and ye shall receive

I've been going to bed lately asking for sleep but most importantly for peace. For peace of mind and peace in my heart. The crazy emotional roller coaster I've been riding for a month now has pretty much been making me sick.

I talked once more to Jordan and believe it or not...it was a good conversation and I went to bed feeling like this IS getting easier/better/healed. Maybe because it was just an enjoyable conversation or maybe it's because I have made my decision about school and moving back to Vancouver and I am pursuing my dreams...FINALLY.

When asked the usual question "what else do you know" I had a LOT to say. It felt great to be able to tell him that in 4 weeks there has been a lot of change and a lot of progress and it's making me feel like I can get my life moving in exactly the direction I want.

So I've been asking for peace and I feel like at long last I have some. Peace of mind that my decision to go back to school is in fact the right one. Peace that taking the move and working until DEC is also the right one. But most of all I am finding peace in my heart with the fact that my relationship with Jordan is over.

Despite never having reached the full potential that I thought was there I am slowly being able to let it go. The "what might have been's" really can not have any place in my life. I must focus on what is happening now and how I want to run my professional life. I can't tinker around with boys and most especially boys who have not yet become men despite ageing close to their 40's.

I have also noticed that I tend to date 38yr olds and they all seem to be broken. Maybe it's will be wiser to date slightly younger men when my schooling is finished.

WTF?

So no sooner do I post my letter I will never send and delete Jordan from my phone and facebook...he fucking texts me. We talked. I can't believe the tornado of emotions I am experiencing. I love him I hate him I want to erase the entire 6 months we were together and I wish we never broke up.

I need something to soothe me. I need to cry cry cry cry until my tears just wash away all the hurt and anger. I wonder when these feelings will just END.

This is a letter I will never send

Dear Jordan - Please fuck off.

So...it's occurred to me that we're probably not going to actually BE friends...are we? At least not the sort that actually call each other to see what is new and to write to keep in touch so it just seems strange to pretend that we will be.

You waited until you knew I was back in Calgary to text me about your Mum and I guess the only reason I wanted to see your Mum was because there was a small part of me that wished things were a bit different.

In the last few weeks I have examined our relationship and I have come to the following conclusion -you were never really IN it. I carried it the whole way and I suppose it was just convenient for you to ride along. I think this is why you were not able to have an orgasm - you weren't connected to me emotionally at all.

Looking back there were several signs which I just ignored because I liked you, but in hind sight were glaring examples that you were not at all interested in me. This is why the sex was such a failure for you, without being remotely emotionally connected to me it was all futile. I'm not even certain that I am the first woman you've had this issue with. Prior to our first 'date' in Dec you asked me "What if the sex is oogey" to which I replied as long as we had open communication and were willing to work on it we would be fine. Well...you never did have that open communication or willingness to work on it.

Valentine's Day - we specifically had a conversation about what would be lovely for Valentine's Day without bowing to the consumer pressure but rather celebrating the spirit of romance. And despite me telling you how simple it would be to put a smile on my face all you could do was nothing...and then bitterly argue the consumerism point to defend yourself for your complete lack of interest in being romantic with me.

Easter - you disappeared for a week after my friends were here and claimed you needed your space because they were too white/pasty and that no one met your standards of intelligence or success. A week where you didn't care to call or see me or to even grow a pair of balls to end it. I made endless excuses for you saying you were a loner, you weren't used to being in a relationship, you were scared of how fast things seemed to be going between us.

I should have pulled the plug so many times and I was just hoping that one day you would see me the way I saw you.

The worst of it was the way you behaved towards me on that Saturday - as if I meant nothing to you. Sadly I never knew how true that was until I sat back and really looked at everything.

What makes me so angry is that you KNEW! You KNEW you weren't into me and you KNEW this was nothing and yet you CONTINUED to see me and let me believe all was not just OK...but wonderful. How is it that you were OK with being so selfish and hurtful? How could you not know that letting me go when you realized you weren't into me would be better for both of us?

How is it that at 38 you are not yet a man? When do you think you'll grow up?

I feel badly for the women you will meet next and I can only hope that they have the good sense to see the signs earlier and do the right thing, the thing that you could not do- end things with grace and courtesy and honesty.

The good news is that your sexual dysfunction will haunt you until you are ready to deal with your emotional paralysis. So your choices are to continue to excuse your emotional immaturity on your search for Truth and Justice in face of the scary New World Order...or you can face your past and fears and finally deal with them.

I suspect you will be a confirmed bachelor...after all, you never ever do what you don't want to do- not ever- including being brave enough to break up with someone face to face, to be honest with your feelings and to take responsibility for your actions and orgasms.

I'm trying to let go of the anger I have towards you...and I'm sure that it will leave in time -but for now Jordan...I just want you to Fuck Off. I've deleted you from my life and that feels like a good step in the right direction for me.

On dented cans of green beans, mystery meat and a grocery list of change

So I've been thinking a while about the types of men I have been dating in the last 6 or 7 years. I've been thinking a LOT about it lately and it's taken up quite a bit of my spare time and even quite a bit of the time I don't have to spare.

I have realized that I keep dating guys who seem to have a dark and twisty side to them and who have been through something quite profound in their past that leave them the dented cans of green beans that I picked up off the shelf. After a quick review the incidents are: parental issues (Ronan and Jordan), relationships that ended disastrously (Don, Robert, and Jordan) and men who for whatever reason can't seem to TRUST anyone (Miguel and Jordan). Have you noticed anything?? I have. Jordan is in ALL THREE CATEGORIES!!!

Egads!

Having said that I just seem to be drawn to wordy guys who seem to be too far into their heads and too far disconnected from their hearts.

I am wondering if this is a sort of 'opposites attract' factor. I am often far too in my heart and not enough in my head. I struggle to make decisions and I give 2nd and 3rd and sometimes even 5th chances!!! It isn't a bad thing for my capacity to love and forgive and to be so genuine in my emotions...it is, however, not acceptable when I allow these qualities to become excuses for men treating me poorly.

There comes a time when everyone must grow up - not just mentally but also emotionally. Well my little chickens...the time is now for me.

I am about to embark on the greatest risk and change I have ever made in my life. I have spent 3 sleepless weeks struggling with what to do and all the time worrying if a move back home would lessen my chances of finding my mate. Well...fuck it.

Fuck men and fuck relationships and most of all fuck all the 'what if's'! This has to end at some point...there has to be a time when *I* live for the NOW! For what I know that I can do to take care of ME and to not just live for NOW but to live for LIFE and to make the decision and realization that the only person who is going to be looking out for ME and MY future is ME. There is no one else.

Dented cans of green beans are only going to keep me down and keep me wondering why I can't seem to see the quality good but only pick up the damaged ones. Dented cans of green beans can't see past their own hurts to embrace life and more importantly to embrace the life and joy that I exude.

So I've decided to stop shopping for a while, I am not even going to be heading down to the local corner shop for some instant gratification.

Side Note...I might have picked up a lil' somethin' somethin' earlier this week that left me satisfied and my sexual self confidence back on top! I have no idea if he is a dented can of green beans or not we didn't exactly get into anything deep that wasn't physically related ;)

So here it is - a decision to move back, a decision to go back to school and though I'm risking some 50K worth of debt I am also feeling pretty good that the schooling is getting me closer and closer to my dream of having a holistic place of work and really working with my passion of healing.

Am I scared...oh yeah. Am I excited...definitely. There is an entire grocery list of things I need to do to make all of this happen - including figure out if I'm going to be laid off from work or if I have to take the move back and work for a year or if I have to quit :( A LOT of decisions still to go through and a LOT of items I need to put ON the list and then scratch OFF the list.

I've had a great adventure here in Calgary and I think I've really learned a LOT about myself and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I keep getting put into positions where I start towards my goal and then I take steps backwards. I am now determined to walk firmly, strongly and purposefully towards my dreams of the H3 project and I refuse to let dented cans of green beans get in my way.