Hello Lover

It's been a long time my little chickens. A VERY long time indeed. This will be breif and not as pleasant as I had intended my comeback to be. I suppose if I were to describe what this really is - it would be an announcement of an intention to comeback. I can nearly hear it now...the roar of the crowd, the anticipation so great you can nearly smell it and then the loud, roaring voice of the announcer "Are you ready to rrrrrrrrumble?". Or some reasonable facsimile thereof. In a few short weeks you can expect to find me posting my updates from the last year and a half. There are many. Some of them humerous, some of them sad, but all of them honest reflections

during a rather difficult yet rewarding time in my life. Stay tuned my little chickens...there are rumblings to be had!

To Be

Sometimes it's incredible this overwhelming desire to just BE. I am growing softer lately I think -more open to my own vulnerability and more open to learning from my mistakes instead of just pointing at them all lined up like fallen soldiers in a war only I'm fighting.

I'm listing to a lot of introspective music lately - or at least the sort of music that facilitates a lot of introspection. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between personal weaknesses and ego vulnerabilities lately. I am less and less patient with what I consider to be weakness - both from myself and with others but I am craving understanding - both from myself and for others. It's such a strange tight-rope I feel I'm walking.

Lately I just want to BE. I imagine my life after graduation. I imagine my clothes, where I will live, my lovers, my friends and I imagine living the perfect combination of hippy-gypsy lifestyle. I want to travel and I want to have roots. I want to love men and women and I want to have one partner in every sense of the word. I am full of contradictions and feel like somehow I will actually have to just choose ONE thing.

I'm 37. I feel like maybe I am not suppose to have just one thing because surely if I was supposed to have my one partner then I would have found him by now. Surely if I were meant to have a family then I would have been able to make that happen by now and not when the window is all but shut for that sort of thing.

I feel like I need to have a funeral for dreams that will never be - to just let them go so I can focus on something more attainable like finishing school, having a fantastic practice and maintaining my great friendships and having bees and goats and maybe another dog or 2.

I could be that fantastic Aunt Kathy where my nephews and niece come to visit me on my farm or far away cottage in some cozy European village someplace. I could have lovers come and go and have fantastic friends and art and dinner parties and live out my days taking up languages and traveling and maybe learning how to paint or draw or write books on how to live in the moment.

Mostly I just want to learn how to BE. Maybe it's just not possible right now as I find myself fighting with myself and my beliefs as I go through school. I need to find the quiet moments every day to just remmeber who I really am deep down in my core.

37 ...how did I end up here?

So, my birthday has come and gone and so has Will.

I haven't been able to let myself fully understand and let go of all that happened between Will and I but I am happier without him. I broke up with him just after my birthday and we were together for just over a year. I suppose if I were totally honest with myself (and you too my little chickens) I will have to say that I pretty much knew that the relationship was over 2 days before we moved in together.

I need a partner. I need someone who isn't afraid of themselves. I need someone who won't try to manipulate their way out of their mistakes. I need someone who actually has self confidence and who actually has opinions and beliefs of their own.

Will did not fit any of the above description but he sure did a good impersonation of those qualities for exactly 5 months. After the 5 month mark he really just got tired of being someone he was not and then his constant neediness, insecurity, sloven nature just came straight out. It was hard to be the adult in the relationship all the time. It was just too much pressure on me while going to school and trying to learn all there is to learn for my RMT course with him being sooooo incapable of being a functioning adult.

I know I have often dreamed of being a mother...but it's not the role I want to play in my romantic relationship. I mean...Will could barely brush his teeth each and every day and I found myself nagging at him like a mother would to a child.

So here I am at 37, single, a full time student and poor with debt just piling up. How the FUCK did I end up here?? I know that school is what I need to be focused on. I know that the debt shouldn't be what stops me from continuing on with my studies, after all, once I'm finished school and a working RMT it won't take me too long to pay it all off.

Maybe I just need to allow myself to let go of all the "what if's" and the disappointments of the last few years. I don't want to be a woman that relies on a man for approval but I am feeling lonely, I mean, soul wrenching at my core lonely. I have AMAZING friends but I do crave having a supportive loving partner.

The older I get the more I wonder if my ideas of a partner are that far fetched or if I simply waste my time with the Eeyore's (Will), the Cowards (Jordan) or a laundry list of other men that I dated just because I am lonely and not because they were good matches for me.

The GOOD NEWS is that being at school and doing what I'm doing has always felt right. This path I'm on is exactly where I need to be for my career and I am truly grateful for that. It's difficult, but it's not out of reach and I am able to pull up my socks and buckle down when needed. I feel like pretty soon I need to BUST OUT and do something wild...but what?

I've considered moving to someplace totally different after I get my license. Packing up and taking Tiernan with me to someplace. Ireland, England, Costa Rica or maybe even living in the South of France or Italy. Who knows. Maybe my thoughts of leaving is just me trying to run away from myself - again.

I feel rusty at this and clumsy. Words aren't flowing freely as once they did but that might be because I'm joking on how I am once more complaining when in the grand scheme of things I have it relatively easy.

I do instinctively feel that if I just focus on ME right now that it's truly the best course of action. Will I find love and a partner I want to spend my life with? Who knows. But without my health, family, friends and a satisfying career it won't matter.

Hind Sight is 20/20

So you may or may not have noticed that I posted a somewhat bitchy/pathetic/self indulgent (though really what is The Single Files if not a total drive down Narcisitic Avenue with a few stops along Pity Party Lane and Personal Epiphany Crescent??) about Will.

I am struggling right now with what I want on a few levels. I am sorry to have teased and then recanted but I need a bit of time to sort out my feelings and talk to Will and figure it all out.

So la. There you go.

I would like to write more but I really need to go off and study. These muscles and joints won't learn themselves!!

A look can say 1000 words

I was on the bus a few weeks ago minus my iPod. Normally being without my music would not bother me, but that day I was sitting at the back of the bus and had the misfortune to be within earshot of girl who appeared to be in her early 20's yammering incessantly on her mobile phone. I was shocked at the language coming out of this girl's mouth! She was on her mobile chatting quite loudly to whomever was on the other end of the phone. At first the conversation was banal - what did you do last night, how drunk was I at the party etc etc. After about two minutes however the conversation turned into "do you know girl X and isn't' she a (insert multiple unflattering expletives here). The absolute drivel and verbal abuse spilling out from her mouth was dumbfounding.

I looked at this woman trying to determine if the conversation she was having was simply for show - a young girl who might be needing to show off her bravado by slandering anyone of the same gender she knows and making sure everyone around her could hear what a bad-ass she was. I looked away from her and across the aisle of the bus to the fellow seated opposite me. For the next 5 minutes or so this man and I had an entire conversation about the young girl without ever saying a word.

I catch his eye and give a apprehensive smile while raising my eyebrows. He counters by giving a sideways glance towards the mobile motor-mouth and finishes his non verbal statement with a roll of his eyes. I nod my head in agreement - certain he was telling me he found this girl equally as annoying as I did. The girl lets out a flurry of f-bombs and the guy across from me widens his eyes in surprise and and gives me a perplexed look. I shake my head from side to side indicating that I too can't believe what I am being forced to hear. During my non-verbal exchange with the man across from me I was amazed at how a contraction of just a few muscles can really convey complex thoughts.

I looked around at the people seated directly beside this offensive girl and noted without surprise that the 6 people closest to her were making several faces displaying everything from disgust to annoyance to exasperation. I share a nod of my head and wry smile with 3 of them. In all of these exchanges of looks I purposely avoided making direct eye contact with the object of my offense. I was convinced that from the ease at which she chose profanity over any other descriptive words that I would be directly subjected to an onslaught of malediction; and though I do like to consider myself a bit of a wordsmith, I knew that any clever retort I had for her would just be lost in translation from my proper English to her Jersey Shore.

I'm sure it was a short time later but it seemed like an hour, the girl got off the bus. An eruption of applause breaks out from the people who were seated closest to her. No one says a word but the smiles and clapping say it all. Thank GOODNESS that girl has left and we might now find some peace in which to unwind from our busy day.

I try to be conscious of my facial expressions so as not to give away too many of my inner thoughts by having them reflected in my face. Bored in class? Try to keep a neutral face so my instructor doesn't take personal offense. Have a great poker hand? Best not to smile to give that away. Feeling amorous? A twinkle in my eye and a raise of my eyebrow and my lover responds well to my non-verbal advances.

I like to think that I'm a fairly expressive person both verbally and non-verbally. In fact, I believe that I am more prone to non-verbal communication than verbal. A picture may be worth a thousand words but one look can say it all.

EPIC proportions....or reasonable facsimile thereof

I've said it before and I'll say it again....ALBATROSS!!

This blog plagues me, hounds me, delights me, astounds me. I have such a love-hate relationship with The Single Files...it just baffles me. I waffle from wanting to blow this whole thing up to wanting to make some serious time to devote to it and turn this into some sort of magic money making display of narcissism.

I have successfully moved to Vancouver (well..Langley) and that's been going really well for me! I am so close to school now I can taste it! In just 7 more business days I get to quit and watch my boss's head explode. My fervent hope is that he TOTALLY loses his nut and doesn't want me to finish out my 2 weeks notice so that I get paid for having a holiday before school starts. I can dream...it's not likely going to happen the way I want it to but I am prepared to work the last 12 days anyway. He did already mention that the office is closed on the 24 and 27 of DEC so he can't really expect me to come in on those 'closed' days....can he? I don't think so.

I've met a fantastic man and things seem to be going OK there. There's only one MAJOR problem. It's a Jordan 2.0. Will (as I shall name him) can not orgasm during sex. Says it's "normal" for him. Well....it's NOT normal. It's in no fucking way normal.

*sigh*

I am not really prepared or well equipped to deal with this sexual dysfunction. Will doesn't think this is an issue. He thinks it's going to sort itself out. He says he takes MONTHS to reach orgasm with a new partner and it takes him over an hour to reach orgasm on his own through masturbation. HOW CAN THIS BE NORMAL?? Just because he's had this all his life doesn't mean there isn't some sort of vascular disorder going on. He has NEVER even mentioned this to a DR. Will is far too concerned with me and MY orgasm which at this point is pretty ridiculous as I can pretty much get myself off within 15 minutes of naked fun time with Will. I believe that this is a 2 fold problem - physical and mental. Will is too much in his head, he needs to just enjoy the moments and the ride and let himself go.

What is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning here? What is the Universe trying to teach me?? Will is a wonderful man, he's caring, he's smart, he's a bit of a wimp in some ways and I'm not being mean when I say he's definitely the "girl" in our relationship. He's much more sensitive than I am. He's much more shy than I am - though I suppose it's such an unfair comparison considering I can barely comprehend the concept of shyness. There are a myriad of reasons why I really do care for Will. This sex issue though is a huge hurdle for me and he seems to think I should be OK with it. That I have to have patience with him and it will magically clear itself up with him reaching orgasm about once every 12 times we have sex...which was the record he had with his last lover.

I am just flabbergasted that I could have met TWO men in the same year who suffer from the EXACT same physical affliction. Having said that they couldn't be more opposite from each other personality wise.

Oh..PS. I'm a bit PMSY and bitchy today and I know it's coming out in my writing. I'm writing when I'm frustrated too so that's not helping the tone of this at all.

I feel like I need to be keeping this up in some way. I need to get into a habit and a ritual and some sort of routine! School will start in January and I'm sure I'll just naturally fall into that.

Enough for now. More soon (ish).

Talking the Talk AND walking the walk

Am I at risk of getting laryngitis AND blisters?

Last night my Stampede Booty call texted me after a week of being non-communicato. We were to have plans on the Tuesday when I got back from Vancouver but after not hearing from him I sent him a text asking if he forgot about me. He called about an hour later and I let it go to voice mail. He left some bullshit message about his grandpa being sick/dying etc. I didn't respond.

I deleted him from my phone and carried on with life. So last night I get a text from him and I responded by saying I didn't know who it was (true) and when I DID find out I pretty much told him I wrote him off and that if he actually wanted to woo me that actions speak louder than words. I felt good about my decision and though he 'said' he's going to come to my going away party on Saturday and PROVE to me that he's into me...I am not holding my breath nor do I actually expect him to follow through.

If I've learned one thing from Jordan it's that words are completely useless unless there are actions to back them up. I was so caught up in Jordan's ability to be verbose that I completely failed to notice that for all his pretty words there was absolutely NO actions to back them up.

So I have decided to do things just a bit differently from now on. I'm not only going to be very verbal about how I'm feeling and what I want, but I'm also going to be paying very close attention to words met with actions. Empty words are just like a trashy romance novel - sure they may get you excited but no words have ever been able to give me an orgasm or keep me warm at night or dance with me or put a ring on my finger.

So la! It is true what they say - actions DO speak louder than words and I won't accept anything less than BIG BOOMING ACTIONS!