The Single Files

To Be

2012-01-25T22:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's incredible this overwhelming desire to just BE. I am growing softer lately I think -more open to my own vulnerability and more open to learning from my mistakes instead of just pointing at them all lined up like fallen soldiers in a war only I'm fighting.

I'm listing to a lot of introspective music lately - or at least the sort of music that facilitates a lot of introspection. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between personal weaknesses and ego vulnerabilities lately. I am less and less patient with what I consider to be weakness - both from myself and with others but I am craving understanding - both from myself and for others. It's such a strange tight-rope I feel I'm walking.

Lately I just want to BE. I imagine my life after graduation. I imagine my clothes, where I will live, my lovers, my friends and I imagine living the perfect combination of hippy-gypsy lifestyle. I want to travel and I want to have roots. I want to love men and women and I want to have one partner in every sense of the word. I am full of contradictions and feel like somehow I will actually have to just choose ONE thing.

I'm 37. I feel like maybe I am not suppose to have just one thing because surely if I was supposed to have my one partner then I would have found him by now. Surely if I were meant to have a family then I would have been able to make that happen by now and not when the window is all but shut for that sort of thing.

I feel like I need to have a funeral for dreams that will never be - to just let them go so I can focus on something more attainable like finishing school, having a fantastic practice and maintaining my great friendships and having bees and goats and maybe another dog or 2.

I could be that fantastic Aunt Kathy where my nephews and niece come to visit me on my farm or far away cottage in some cozy European village someplace. I could have lovers come and go and have fantastic friends and art and dinner parties and live out my days taking up languages and traveling and maybe learning how to paint or draw or write books on how to live in the moment.

Mostly I just want to learn how to BE. Maybe it's just not possible right now as I find myself fighting with myself and my beliefs as I go through school. I need to find the quiet moments every day to just remmeber who I really am deep down in my core.

37 ...how did I end up here?

2011-12-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

So, my birthday has come and gone and so has Will.

I haven't been able to let myself fully understand and let go of all that happened between Will and I but I am happier without him. I broke up with him just after my birthday and we were together for just over a year. I suppose if I were totally honest with myself (and you too my little chickens) I will have to say that I pretty much knew that the relationship was over 2 days before we moved in together.

I need a partner. I need someone who isn't afraid of themselves. I need someone who won't try to manipulate their way out of their mistakes. I need someone who actually has self confidence and who actually has opinions and beliefs of their own.

Will did not fit any of the above description but he sure did a good impersonation of those qualities for exactly 5 months. After the 5 month mark he really just got tired of being someone he was not and then his constant neediness, insecurity, sloven nature just came straight out. It was hard to be the adult in the relationship all the time. It was just too much pressure on me while going to school and trying to learn all there is to learn for my RMT course with him being sooooo incapable of being a functioning adult.

I know I have often dreamed of being a mother...but it's not the role I want to play in my romantic relationship. I mean...Will could barely brush his teeth each and every day and I found myself nagging at him like a mother would to a child.

So here I am at 37, single, a full time student and poor with debt just piling up. How the FUCK did I end up here?? I know that school is what I need to be focused on. I know that the debt shouldn't be what stops me from continuing on with my studies, after all, once I'm finished school and a working RMT it won't take me too long to pay it all off.

Maybe I just need to allow myself to let go of all the "what if's" and the disappointments of the last few years. I don't want to be a woman that relies on a man for approval but I am feeling lonely, I mean, soul wrenching at my core lonely. I have AMAZING friends but I do crave having a supportive loving partner.

The older I get the more I wonder if my ideas of a partner are that far fetched or if I simply waste my time with the Eeyore's (Will), the Cowards (Jordan) or a laundry list of other men that I dated just because I am lonely and not because they were good matches for me.

The GOOD NEWS is that being at school and doing what I'm doing has always felt right. This path I'm on is exactly where I need to be for my career and I am truly grateful for that. It's difficult, but it's not out of reach and I am able to pull up my socks and buckle down when needed. I feel like pretty soon I need to BUST OUT and do something wild...but what?

I've considered moving to someplace totally different after I get my license. Packing up and taking Tiernan with me to someplace. Ireland, England, Costa Rica or maybe even living in the South of France or Italy. Who knows. Maybe my thoughts of leaving is just me trying to run away from myself - again.

I feel rusty at this and clumsy. Words aren't flowing freely as once they did but that might be because I'm joking on how I am once more complaining when in the grand scheme of things I have it relatively easy.

I do instinctively feel that if I just focus on ME right now that it's truly the best course of action. Will I find love and a partner I want to spend my life with? Who knows. But without my health, family, friends and a satisfying career it won't matter.

Hind Sight is 20/20

2011-07-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

So you may or may not have noticed that I posted a somewhat bitchy/pathetic/self indulgent (though really what is The Single Files if not a total drive down Narcisitic Avenue with a few stops along Pity Party Lane and Personal Epiphany Crescent??) about Will.

I am struggling right now with what I want on a few levels. I am sorry to have teased and then recanted but I need a bit of time to sort out my feelings and talk to Will and figure it all out.

So la. There you go.

I would like to write more but I really need to go off and study. These muscles and joints won't learn themselves!!

A look can say 1000 words

2011-06-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

I was on the bus a few weeks ago minus my iPod. Normally being without my music would not bother me, but that day I was sitting at the back of the bus and had the misfortune to be within earshot of girl who appeared to be in her early 20's yammering incessantly on her mobile phone. I was shocked at the language coming out of this girl's mouth! She was on her mobile chatting quite loudly to whomever was on the other end of the phone. At first the conversation was banal - what did you do last night, how drunk was I at the party etc etc. After about two minutes however the conversation turned into "do you know girl X and isn't' she a (insert multiple unflattering expletives here). The absolute drivel and verbal abuse spilling out from her mouth was dumbfounding.

I looked at this woman trying to determine if the conversation she was having was simply for show - a young girl who might be needing to show off her bravado by slandering anyone of the same gender she knows and making sure everyone around her could hear what a bad-ass she was. I looked away from her and across the aisle of the bus to the fellow seated opposite me. For the next 5 minutes or so this man and I had an entire conversation about the young girl without ever saying a word.

I catch his eye and give a apprehensive smile while raising my eyebrows. He counters by giving a sideways glance towards the mobile motor-mouth and finishes his non verbal statement with a roll of his eyes. I nod my head in agreement - certain he was telling me he found this girl equally as annoying as I did. The girl lets out a flurry of f-bombs and the guy across from me widens his eyes in surprise and and gives me a perplexed look. I shake my head from side to side indicating that I too can't believe what I am being forced to hear. During my non-verbal exchange with the man across from me I was amazed at how a contraction of just a few muscles can really convey complex thoughts.

I looked around at the people seated directly beside this offensive girl and noted without surprise that the 6 people closest to her were making several faces displaying everything from disgust to annoyance to exasperation. I share a nod of my head and wry smile with 3 of them. In all of these exchanges of looks I purposely avoided making direct eye contact with the object of my offense. I was convinced that from the ease at which she chose profanity over any other descriptive words that I would be directly subjected to an onslaught of malediction; and though I do like to consider myself a bit of a wordsmith, I knew that any clever retort I had for her would just be lost in translation from my proper English to her Jersey Shore.

I'm sure it was a short time later but it seemed like an hour, the girl got off the bus. An eruption of applause breaks out from the people who were seated closest to her. No one says a word but the smiles and clapping say it all. Thank GOODNESS that girl has left and we might now find some peace in which to unwind from our busy day.

I try to be conscious of my facial expressions so as not to give away too many of my inner thoughts by having them reflected in my face. Bored in class? Try to keep a neutral face so my instructor doesn't take personal offense. Have a great poker hand? Best not to smile to give that away. Feeling amorous? A twinkle in my eye and a raise of my eyebrow and my lover responds well to my non-verbal advances.

I like to think that I'm a fairly expressive person both verbally and non-verbally. In fact, I believe that I am more prone to non-verbal communication than verbal. A picture may be worth a thousand words but one look can say it all.

EPIC proportions....or reasonable facsimile thereof

2010-12-08T13:52:00.000-08:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again....ALBATROSS!!

This blog plagues me, hounds me, delights me, astounds me. I have such a love-hate relationship with The Single Files...it just baffles me. I waffle from wanting to blow this whole thing up to wanting to make some serious time to devote to it and turn this into some sort of magic money making display of narcissism.

I have successfully moved to Vancouver (well..Langley) and that's been going really well for me! I am so close to school now I can taste it! In just 7 more business days I get to quit and watch my boss's head explode. My fervent hope is that he TOTALLY loses his nut and doesn't want me to finish out my 2 weeks notice so that I get paid for having a holiday before school starts. I can dream...it's not likely going to happen the way I want it to but I am prepared to work the last 12 days anyway. He did already mention that the office is closed on the 24 and 27 of DEC so he can't really expect me to come in on those 'closed' days....can he? I don't think so.

I've met a fantastic man and things seem to be going OK there. There's only one MAJOR problem. It's a Jordan 2.0. Will (as I shall name him) can not orgasm during sex. Says it's "normal" for him. Well....it's NOT normal. It's in no fucking way normal.

*sigh*

I am not really prepared or well equipped to deal with this sexual dysfunction. Will doesn't think this is an issue. He thinks it's going to sort itself out. He says he takes MONTHS to reach orgasm with a new partner and it takes him over an hour to reach orgasm on his own through masturbation. HOW CAN THIS BE NORMAL?? Just because he's had this all his life doesn't mean there isn't some sort of vascular disorder going on. He has NEVER even mentioned this to a DR. Will is far too concerned with me and MY orgasm which at this point is pretty ridiculous as I can pretty much get myself off within 15 minutes of naked fun time with Will. I believe that this is a 2 fold problem - physical and mental. Will is too much in his head, he needs to just enjoy the moments and the ride and let himself go.

What is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning here? What is the Universe trying to teach me?? Will is a wonderful man, he's caring, he's smart, he's a bit of a wimp in some ways and I'm not being mean when I say he's definitely the "girl" in our relationship. He's much more sensitive than I am. He's much more shy than I am - though I suppose it's such an unfair comparison considering I can barely comprehend the concept of shyness. There are a myriad of reasons why I really do care for Will. This sex issue though is a huge hurdle for me and he seems to think I should be OK with it. That I have to have patience with him and it will magically clear itself up with him reaching orgasm about once every 12 times we have sex...which was the record he had with his last lover.

I am just flabbergasted that I could have met TWO men in the same year who suffer from the EXACT same physical affliction. Having said that they couldn't be more opposite from each other personality wise.

Oh..PS. I'm a bit PMSY and bitchy today and I know it's coming out in my writing. I'm writing when I'm frustrated too so that's not helping the tone of this at all.

I feel like I need to be keeping this up in some way. I need to get into a habit and a ritual and some sort of routine! School will start in January and I'm sure I'll just naturally fall into that.

Enough for now. More soon (ish).

Talking the Talk AND walking the walk

2010-07-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

Am I at risk of getting laryngitis AND blisters?

Last night my Stampede Booty call texted me after a week of being non-communicato. We were to have plans on the Tuesday when I got back from Vancouver but after not hearing from him I sent him a text asking if he forgot about me. He called about an hour later and I let it go to voice mail. He left some bullshit message about his grandpa being sick/dying etc. I didn't respond.

I deleted him from my phone and carried on with life. So last night I get a text from him and I responded by saying I didn't know who it was (true) and when I DID find out I pretty much told him I wrote him off and that if he actually wanted to woo me that actions speak louder than words. I felt good about my decision and though he 'said' he's going to come to my going away party on Saturday and PROVE to me that he's into me...I am not holding my breath nor do I actually expect him to follow through.

If I've learned one thing from Jordan it's that words are completely useless unless there are actions to back them up. I was so caught up in Jordan's ability to be verbose that I completely failed to notice that for all his pretty words there was absolutely NO actions to back them up.

So I have decided to do things just a bit differently from now on. I'm not only going to be very verbal about how I'm feeling and what I want, but I'm also going to be paying very close attention to words met with actions. Empty words are just like a trashy romance novel - sure they may get you excited but no words have ever been able to give me an orgasm or keep me warm at night or dance with me or put a ring on my finger.

So la! It is true what they say - actions DO speak louder than words and I won't accept anything less than BIG BOOMING ACTIONS!

Maybe I'm finally getting it.

2010-07-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

I am watching some movies lately about relationships etc and though I know these are all works for fiction and they range from wildly entertaining to mildly annoying I actually think that I have learned something from these movies.

"I Love You Man" staring Jason Segel and Paul Rudd. This is a story about a guy who doesn't have any good close guy friends and as he gets engaged he realizes that he doesn't have a 'best man'. He finds Jason Segel and shenanigans occur. But here's the thing - the message is not about being best friends, it's more about being open and honest and communicating and living in the NOW.

"He's Just Not That Into You". We know what this is about, and the premise is to be more 'eyes open' when it comes to meeting people and stop thinking people are going to change and in all cases run away from the people that are not treating you well or are not what you think jives with what you want.

These are themes I'm trying to really to live right now. I'm trying to get my brain and body in shape. I think if one happens the other will follow. Living with intent is not just a mental/emotional thing, it's going to encompass much much more than that.

I'm slowly letting go of the past 7 months. I'm slowly being able to peel that away and not let it fester and risk it turning ME into a dented can of green beans! It's true that I don't trust men right now, but that won't always be the case. Right now I just need this to be alllll about me.

Is spending time with myself being selfish? Clearly not when I so desperately need to re-connect with myself and set a higher standard for relationships.

Mopey Moving Meh's

2010-07-26T22:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm starting the moving process and it occurred to me that despite my best efforts of NOT acquiring too much 'stuff'...I HAVE! I moved to Calgary 2 years ago with a Versa load of stuff and 11 boxes of stuff shipped via Greyhound. Now of course I didn't have huge items like say a bed, dresser, desk, sofa, chaise, dining room table etc etc and I have since my move bought furnishings for 1 bedroom apartment + den...but my GOD! I have a LOT OF STUFFFFF!

It's really my clothes that are surprising. When I moved to Calgary I lost some weight so I bought some clothes. Then I gained about 30 lbs and so...I bought some clothes. Now I've lost 26lbs and guess what??? I bought some clothes! I did try to give some clothes away about 6 months ago and that worked to clear up *some* closet space but I really just need to be ruthless in this move.

I need to only keep the clothes that fit me now. Keeping bigger clothes isn't the way to go and hoping I'll shrink down to fit into something isn't healthy either.

The good news is that I haven't collected too many nicky-nacky things at all. I have minimal decorative pieces. I do, however, have 4 of Lady K's artworks and though I I know I can hang up 3 of them in my room and have them be lovely I am stumped as to where to put the Flaming Lady! Le boo! Maybe I can convince Leroy to hang it in the stairwell from the ground level to the living room level.

I wonder how many boxes of my stuff I'll end up with this move. My guess is going to be somewhere between 30 and 40.

The apartment is being shown tomorrow so I need to clean like a mad bastard tomorrow. It's the office that is the problem. I need to clean the kitchen floor too and the bathroom. Other than that I'm good to go.

The boob tube

2010-07-23T11:21:00.001-07:00

That was what my father used to refer to TV as- the boob tube. It's more than ever appropriate on a few levels now. So much sex and far too much stupidity...boobs are everywhere!!

I admit to watching too much tv lately. I should be out with Tiernan but instead I sit and mope and watch fantasy lives live out fantasy tales. I've watched some pretty interesting shows where some lovely young nubile blond who's just absolutely picture perfect gives the 'average' woman tips on how to meet and flirt with men. During the half hour episodes this lovely young lady who is amazingly attractive simply has no problem meeting drop dead gorgeous successful men. "See!" she exclaims "It's easy!".

I wonder when there will be a show for the actual average person? The very strange "More to Love" show was all about women who had zero self esteem trying to find love with a very successful chubby man who is pretty much portrayed as the funny chubby frat boy. He picks the skinniest of the girls btw.

I'd agree to submit myself to total public scrutiny and pity and pithy and whatever else the general populace does for reality shows. I'd do it in a heart beat...but it wouldn't be a "The Bachelor/ette" type situation. It would be more along the lines of actual real life situations. I wonder why people buy into these shows when it's as far from reality as possible. No one actually dates 14 people at a time let alone have a 'date' with 4 (or more) people at the exact same time/event!

Would normal people sign up for that? I wonder. Maybe I could conduct my own experiment. I suppose the monetary reward is what makes these men and women sign up for these shows and since I can't offer that sort of thing...I wonder what the incentive would be for men to sign up for my experiment. Would they sign up based ONLY on the incentive of finding real-live-dead-crunchy-frog-leg love?

I'd need a camera crew and maybe even an editor to help with this and they'd have to be just doing it for the love of the art and reality documentaries. I'm interesting, witty and not that bad looking if I do say so myself. My life would be interesting tv - losing weight, finding love and changing careers!

I might think about this seriously. The only thing I'd be concerned about would be how much privacy could I still maintain while sharing my life? Sleeping in, spending long lazy afternoons masturbating would all be out. Even having sex with one or more of these potential men would have to be out. What else would I have to shut out just to maintain a modicum of sanity?

It's so crazy this might just work!!

I'm blaming the hormones...

2010-07-21T18:18:00.001-07:00

I was presented with an opportunity to see Jordan tonight in a social situation. I declined. I was so happy for the forewarning though because I would have lost my nut if I showed up and he was there.

When I found out he was going to attend tonight's dinner I cried. Why am I not able to put this aside? It's been 2 months since the break up and I am still stupid hung up on this guy!!! I still feel hurt and angry and the worst of this is that I KNOW he doesn't give a shit. He has moved on...though I suppose that is an erroneous statement - he wasn't ever actually IN the relationship with me. If you're not attached there is nothing to move on from.

It just reinforces my breakup beliefs. After sex you have to do a face to face break up and you should always be respectful. It doesn't have to be a big long drawn out event but you really do need to be respectful and honest. Jordan failed on all these points.

I know he's a douchebag. I know he's emotionally stunted, a momma's boy and likely his entire sexual dysfunction is wrapped up in his mum. He wouldn't be able to express an honest emotion if it smacked him in his face. He just did and said what he thought was expected of him instead of actually being REAL with himself and others.

I am pissed off at myself that I keep crying over him. I am getting my period tomorrow so I'm going to blame all of this on run away hormones. However, knowing myself the way I do I suspect that the hormones are only 20% of what is going on. I think Jordan was the first person I was really open and honest with and that has made me all the more attached to an idea of what COULD be rather than what actually WAS.

Oh to be a man for one day. To not give a shit how I treat women, to not let myself have any emotional attachment to anything, to fuck whomever I want and be a stud and to have 40 extra pounds and STILL be considered AVERAGE in body type.

Why in 2010 is there still SUCH a crazy double standard for men and women? Well fuck it, I'm not going to allow this.

There is a part of me that just wants to show up and to show him I'm not bothered but at the very end of the day - it doesn't matter. He's not thinking of me, he's not caring what I do or don't do and so my efforts are only counterproductive to being true to myself.

Fuck Jordan - he's not worth one more mention. Ever.

Since theres so much change...

2010-07-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

I figured it was time to update the look of the blog. Now granted this isn't actually what I wanted but because I'm a technological peasant I prefer to work with the prefabricated blog templates. I did a bit of tweaking here and there to get it as close to OK as possible but what I'd love is if someone would take the OLD template I had (which I really liked) and meshed it a bit more with the one that I'm currently rockin'.

I think I'm going to try to post a bit more so that I don't let things fester. I have dreams of this blog actually making me a bit of money but that would require a lot of dedication and frankly...a better writing style. Lately my writing has been looser than a Texas Whorehouse Cooch! And really I guess since Nevada and Amsterdam are the well known places where prostitution is legal I should have made that quip a bit more appropriate.

Regardless- here is the new look for now. I might have some help in fiddling around with it to make it a bit easier on the eyes but for now this is what it's going to be!

An apology

2010-07-20T20:57:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I realize that earlier today my post was just so full of self pity that it was pretty much impossible not to choke on it. The one good thing was the "acid reflux of the heart" because honestly I DO feel like that might actually be happening to me.

My visit home this past weekend really has made me aware that ALL of my friends in Vancouver are all coupled up. They don't know any single people because *I* am that single person. It's bananas!

I've written off the young dude. We were supposed to have plans tonight but I've heard nothing from him. I finally sent him a text and he responded over an hour later with a voice mail that I believe is just absolute bullshit. I think this time I'm going to LISTEN to my little voice. I just think this guy is full of lies. I don't really have any reason to believe that but I can't help but FEEEEEL it.

I think we can all agree that I am the QUEEN of second (or more) chances but where has that left me? Single at the age of 35 with no real prospects on the horizon at the moment.

School is going to see me with my head in the books and working crazy shifts...I m not sure I'm going to have much time for any sort of romance. So I think it's got me a little scared. HOWEVER! If I can just buckle down and get myself started on my new career why CAN'T I find the love of my life and have a family later in life?

I don't even know if I CAN have kids anymore...who knows what sort of damage may have happened back when I was 22.

Anyway my little chickens, I just want to let you know that I'm very sorry for my childish pity party and bitter bettyness. I am going to start living stronger, these little negative rants that I allow do NOTHING to help me. I can't even say getting them out makes me feel better because what really happens is that I go over and over what I wrote or thought or said and I just keep those negative nelly's on repeat.

SO enough. Seriously.

I am moving in 3 weeks. This needs to be my priority.

Bitter betty once more

2010-07-20T12:58:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty bitter again. I'm not sure if this is some sort of acid reflux of the heart or just what but I keep going through these cycles of thinking every single man is an asshole.

I've been on a few 'dates' (I suppose I have to call them something) with a younger fellow and I'm just feeling totally pissy about the whole thing. He's also moving to BC, and in fact, he's going to be living about 15 minutes away from me.

I'm so mad that I never met MY person here in Calgary. I'm 35. My window is nearly closed. I am so bitter now that it even disgusts me let alone what a potential mate would think of me. I have 3 years left to meet someone to have a family and it's just so unlikely at this point you don't have to be a mathematician or a statistics major to figure that out.

I'd like to start believing in past lives so I have someone or something to blame for my total shit storm of a love life.

Fuck. This is just so pathetic.

Want vs. Need - battle royale!

2010-07-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I WANT in a partner and it suddenly occurred to me that what I WANT might not actually be what I NEED. Desires and Dealbreakers...where is the line?

I WANT a man who's taller than me. Do I NEED that? no.

I WANT a man who has some chest hair. Do I NEED that? no.

I WANT a man who is an active communicator. Do I NEED that? YES

I WANT a man who is a caring and adventurous lover. Do I NEED that? YES
(Oh c'mon! You know my theory!! Good sex will never save a relationship but bad sex will kill it! Just ask Jordan for proof of that!).

I WANT a man who is intelligent and willing to stick up for his beliefs/principles. Do I NEED that? YES.

In relationships from my past I see a lot of compromising on my part. I look past what I actually NEED because I think the men are capable of becoming the men I WANT. I think I've said this many times but men will never change - women won't either. It's not that people aren't capable of growth and change...it's just that so very very few of us actually DO alter our behaviours. Why would we have to in this modern age of dating?? There is another person in the next profile who might/will put up with our behaviours. There is very little incentive to change when your next relationship is just one click of the mouse away.

I turned down sex last night. I knew it was going to be pretty good sex too just by the way he leaned in to kiss me. Hands in my hair, pulling me gently to him, lips just barely touching at first, breathing in, really being in the moment...letting lips and tongues gently explore and then someone groaned (it might have been me)and we gave passion the reigns for a moment or two. And yet...I said no to him coming over and doing all sorts of delightful things to my body.

Did I WANT to have sex? Oh yeah!! But I just knew in my heart that it wasn't what I NEEDED right now.

I am looking forward to moving back home with a fervour that is pretty much incomparable. The support of my friends and family are going to mean a lot to me as I head into school and try to balance school, study, work and life.

I am really going to have to evaluate my WANTS vs NEEDS in the next 3 years. I will be poor and I will need to make very careful choices. This pretty much means giving up alcohol - which is going to be FABULOUS for my waist line ;) I also need to really prioritize my life. School is going to be THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in my life. I really WANT and NEED to do well. This is all part of my journey towards my greater goal for the H3 project.

I am feeling calm. I am ready for this. I will succeed!

Once more for posterity's sake

2010-07-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

Soooo...it's been a while since I've updated you on what is happening with me. A few good an a few bad things to be completely honest.

I FINALLY broke up with Jordan. What I mean by that is that *I* finally got it...and I got to say some pretty profound things to him that I really should have said ages ago. My friend card is full...I don't need to maintain a friendship with Jordan because what I was really doing was trying to disguise my friendship with him as a futile hope to get back together. Soooo...as of 2 weeks ago we are DONE! I still think about him but it's never in a longing context...it's more of a "boy I should have paid attention to THIS behaviour". I think it's like when I used to make up rhymes or other mnemonic devices to help me learn concepts in school.

I've let my health slide a bit but am back on track with diet if not a lot of exercise so that feels good. I really do need to keep my drinking in check though...I feel like I'm just drinking far far far too much. Chrissy brought up the fact that she though she was turning into too much of a lush and it made me evaluate my drinking too. This weekend I was tipsy on Friday and totally smashed on Saturday. I'm 35...maybe I should start acting more like that instead of a 21 year old.

I wonder if this is my way of holding onto my slipping youth, or maybe my drinking is the salve I'm putting on the wound that is my singleness. Whatever it is...I intend to stop with the boozing...as soon as I move back to Vancouver.

So that is it my little chickens -the date for the BIG MOVE is set. 13AUG I pick up the Uhaul and 14AUG I drive back with all my worldly goods and move in with Leroy and get things sorted out for school. I am just hoping beyond hope that Leroy doesn't change his mind (again) about me moving in with him. I really need for this to work out - I haven't lived with a roommate for YEARS!!!! I am a bit worried about how this is all going to work but I think that as long as we're both respectful and considerate and honest then we'll be OK. I do think it will be ideal for both of us. I will learn how to budget and to be cleaner and he will be a bit more social and accountable.

Having said that...I am still pursuing the co-op housing situation as a back up plan.

I am both excited and scared. I am also a bit sad to be leaving Chrissy here in Calgary as I've grown quite close to her and will miss the bejeebus out of her!

This is what I want to do...get my RMT license so I can at long last open the H3 project by the time I'm 40. If I'm not going to have a husband and a family of my own then I want to focus on my actual dreams and what I want to have as my legacy.

Ask and ye shall receive

2010-06-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

I've been going to bed lately asking for sleep but most importantly for peace. For peace of mind and peace in my heart. The crazy emotional roller coaster I've been riding for a month now has pretty much been making me sick.

I talked once more to Jordan and believe it or not...it was a good conversation and I went to bed feeling like this IS getting easier/better/healed. Maybe because it was just an enjoyable conversation or maybe it's because I have made my decision about school and moving back to Vancouver and I am pursuing my dreams...FINALLY.

When asked the usual question "what else do you know" I had a LOT to say. It felt great to be able to tell him that in 4 weeks there has been a lot of change and a lot of progress and it's making me feel like I can get my life moving in exactly the direction I want.

So I've been asking for peace and I feel like at long last I have some. Peace of mind that my decision to go back to school is in fact the right one. Peace that taking the move and working until DEC is also the right one. But most of all I am finding peace in my heart with the fact that my relationship with Jordan is over.

Despite never having reached the full potential that I thought was there I am slowly being able to let it go. The "what might have been's" really can not have any place in my life. I must focus on what is happening now and how I want to run my professional life. I can't tinker around with boys and most especially boys who have not yet become men despite ageing close to their 40's.

I have also noticed that I tend to date 38yr olds and they all seem to be broken. Maybe it's will be wiser to date slightly younger men when my schooling is finished.

WTF?

2010-06-10T15:27:00.001-07:00

So no sooner do I post my letter I will never send and delete Jordan from my phone and facebook...he fucking texts me. We talked. I can't believe the tornado of emotions I am experiencing. I love him I hate him I want to erase the entire 6 months we were together and I wish we never broke up.

I need something to soothe me. I need to cry cry cry cry until my tears just wash away all the hurt and anger. I wonder when these feelings will just END.

This is a letter I will never send

2010-06-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Jordan - Please fuck off.

So...it's occurred to me that we're probably not going to actually BE friends...are we? At least not the sort that actually call each other to see what is new and to write to keep in touch so it just seems strange to pretend that we will be.

You waited until you knew I was back in Calgary to text me about your Mum and I guess the only reason I wanted to see your Mum was because there was a small part of me that wished things were a bit different.

In the last few weeks I have examined our relationship and I have come to the following conclusion -you were never really IN it. I carried it the whole way and I suppose it was just convenient for you to ride along. I think this is why you were not able to have an orgasm - you weren't connected to me emotionally at all.

Looking back there were several signs which I just ignored because I liked you, but in hind sight were glaring examples that you were not at all interested in me. This is why the sex was such a failure for you, without being remotely emotionally connected to me it was all futile. I'm not even certain that I am the first woman you've had this issue with. Prior to our first 'date' in Dec you asked me "What if the sex is oogey" to which I replied as long as we had open communication and were willing to work on it we would be fine. Well...you never did have that open communication or willingness to work on it.

Valentine's Day - we specifically had a conversation about what would be lovely for Valentine's Day without bowing to the consumer pressure but rather celebrating the spirit of romance. And despite me telling you how simple it would be to put a smile on my face all you could do was nothing...and then bitterly argue the consumerism point to defend yourself for your complete lack of interest in being romantic with me.

Easter - you disappeared for a week after my friends were here and claimed you needed your space because they were too white/pasty and that no one met your standards of intelligence or success. A week where you didn't care to call or see me or to even grow a pair of balls to end it. I made endless excuses for you saying you were a loner, you weren't used to being in a relationship, you were scared of how fast things seemed to be going between us.

I should have pulled the plug so many times and I was just hoping that one day you would see me the way I saw you.

The worst of it was the way you behaved towards me on that Saturday - as if I meant nothing to you. Sadly I never knew how true that was until I sat back and really looked at everything.

What makes me so angry is that you KNEW! You KNEW you weren't into me and you KNEW this was nothing and yet you CONTINUED to see me and let me believe all was not just OK...but wonderful. How is it that you were OK with being so selfish and hurtful? How could you not know that letting me go when you realized you weren't into me would be better for both of us?

How is it that at 38 you are not yet a man? When do you think you'll grow up?

I feel badly for the women you will meet next and I can only hope that they have the good sense to see the signs earlier and do the right thing, the thing that you could not do- end things with grace and courtesy and honesty.

The good news is that your sexual dysfunction will haunt you until you are ready to deal with your emotional paralysis. So your choices are to continue to excuse your emotional immaturity on your search for Truth and Justice in face of the scary New World Order...or you can face your past and fears and finally deal with them.

I suspect you will be a confirmed bachelor...after all, you never ever do what you don't want to do- not ever- including being brave enough to break up with someone face to face, to be honest with your feelings and to take responsibility for your actions and orgasms.

I'm trying to let go of the anger I have towards you...and I'm sure that it will leave in time -but for now Jordan...I just want you to Fuck Off. I've deleted you from my life and that feels like a good step in the right direction for me.

On dented cans of green beans, mystery meat and a grocery list of change

2010-06-09T16:49:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking a while about the types of men I have been dating in the last 6 or 7 years. I've been thinking a LOT about it lately and it's taken up quite a bit of my spare time and even quite a bit of the time I don't have to spare.

I have realized that I keep dating guys who seem to have a dark and twisty side to them and who have been through something quite profound in their past that leave them the dented cans of green beans that I picked up off the shelf. After a quick review the incidents are: parental issues (Ronan and Jordan), relationships that ended disastrously (Don, Robert, and Jordan) and men who for whatever reason can't seem to TRUST anyone (Miguel and Jordan). Have you noticed anything?? I have. Jordan is in ALL THREE CATEGORIES!!!

Egads!

Having said that I just seem to be drawn to wordy guys who seem to be too far into their heads and too far disconnected from their hearts.

I am wondering if this is a sort of 'opposites attract' factor. I am often far too in my heart and not enough in my head. I struggle to make decisions and I give 2nd and 3rd and sometimes even 5th chances!!! It isn't a bad thing for my capacity to love and forgive and to be so genuine in my emotions...it is, however, not acceptable when I allow these qualities to become excuses for men treating me poorly.

There comes a time when everyone must grow up - not just mentally but also emotionally. Well my little chickens...the time is now for me.

I am about to embark on the greatest risk and change I have ever made in my life. I have spent 3 sleepless weeks struggling with what to do and all the time worrying if a move back home would lessen my chances of finding my mate. Well...fuck it.

Fuck men and fuck relationships and most of all fuck all the 'what if's'! This has to end at some point...there has to be a time when *I* live for the NOW! For what I know that I can do to take care of ME and to not just live for NOW but to live for LIFE and to make the decision and realization that the only person who is going to be looking out for ME and MY future is ME. There is no one else.

Dented cans of green beans are only going to keep me down and keep me wondering why I can't seem to see the quality good but only pick up the damaged ones. Dented cans of green beans can't see past their own hurts to embrace life and more importantly to embrace the life and joy that I exude.

So I've decided to stop shopping for a while, I am not even going to be heading down to the local corner shop for some instant gratification.

Side Note...I might have picked up a lil' somethin' somethin' earlier this week that left me satisfied and my sexual self confidence back on top! I have no idea if he is a dented can of green beans or not we didn't exactly get into anything deep that wasn't physically related ;)

So here it is - a decision to move back, a decision to go back to school and though I'm risking some 50K worth of debt I am also feeling pretty good that the schooling is getting me closer and closer to my dream of having a holistic place of work and really working with my passion of healing.

Am I scared...oh yeah. Am I excited...definitely. There is an entire grocery list of things I need to do to make all of this happen - including figure out if I'm going to be laid off from work or if I have to take the move back and work for a year or if I have to quit :( A LOT of decisions still to go through and a LOT of items I need to put ON the list and then scratch OFF the list.

I've had a great adventure here in Calgary and I think I've really learned a LOT about myself and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I keep getting put into positions where I start towards my goal and then I take steps backwards. I am now determined to walk firmly, strongly and purposefully towards my dreams of the H3 project and I refuse to let dented cans of green beans get in my way.

Emotional Napalm

2010-05-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

I can't decide if being an emotional person is one of my best qualities or one of my very worst qualities.

I was feeling like I was moving on - feeling like I was in control of the whole Jordan breaking my heart thing and then I saw him this past Tuesday. An effort on his part to be brave and give me closure and maybe figure out a way to slide this into the friend zone.

Well my little chickens...it was awful. I can't figure out what I am right now...hurt or angry? A good dose of both I suppose which makes for one minute of crying by the next minute of wanting to punch everything.

I keep going over and over things that were said both on Tuesday and in the last few weeks of our relationship. Here are the things that repeat in my ears - trapping me in my agony.

3 weeks ago Jordan had eye surgery and I stayed to look after him and entertain him. We had a great night full of sex - now he still didn't reach orgasm but it was playful and fun and with him writhing under my touch and moaning etc etc I was feeling pretty good about the pleasure he was receiving. Now...switch to Tuesday when he said that I never tried to please him sexually. WTF???

I guess giving head, touching, caressing, having sex, stripping, dancing, doing ALL of the sort of normal sexual things in a relationship was me NOT trying to please him sexually. What did he need from me??? I would ask him "Show me how to touch you", I would ask him to actually masturbate in front of me so if only so that we could share in his orgasm instead of me giving him one myself. He refused. Said it was dirty or not nice to look at or something like that. What MORE could I have done? Did he need me to turn into his mother? a 6 year old little girl? a 14 year old boy? a man??? I am LIVID that he would even SUGGEST that I wasn't trying to please him when *I* was the ONLY one trying to do that in our experiences together.

I know what you're thinking little chickens and I KNOW I'm better off without him. For a man at the age of 38 to not be able to openly communicate his sexual needs with his partner is not the sort of man that could ever truly make me happy.

I am also pissed and hurt at the language Jordan used on Tuesday. He KNOWS I pay attention to words and I know he wasn't choosing his without care. He kept repeating that was sorry for HOW things ended between us. I think he said it 4 or 5 times on Tuesday each time with the emphasis on HOW. I knew he was trying to let me know very subtly that this wasn't him trying to come crawling back to me but rather just letting me know that he ended things poorly...but that he is glad that he did in fact end them.

*sigh* I am mostly just so angry at myself for once more getting involved with a can of dented green beans! I am getting far too old to keep putting up with immature, sexually repressed, cowardly men!!!

No one told me it was a race to meet your 'mate' in your 20's. No one told me that once you hit your 30's, but most especially your mid 30's that it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE to meet a man who hasn't let his past relationships damage him to the point where he can't figure out a good one when he sees it.

Jordan was quick to say that he couldn't live with me because he's allergic to my dog. Who was he trying to fool?? We could have worked around it - getting a place where the dog could be outside. The place I'm in is unhealthy I admit it. The dust is crazy, the heat vents blow the cat dander from upstairs right down into my apartment and the ventilation here is awful. He never even wanted to TRY.

Soon I will be over the hardest part and I will look back and realize that I was far too good for him and he never appreciated me and I'm better off without him etc etc etc. But right now, right in this moment I still have feelings for Jordan and I can't just shelve them as easily as he could shelve me.

Oh how I do envy the people who can just flip their emotional switches on and off! I wish I weren't so sensitive but that I could still feel things. My capacity for love is never anything I'm going to apologize for but I do wish I could process my feelings just a bit better so I don't feel so bombarded by them.

All is fair in love and war

2010-05-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

I am trying to be fair. I am trying so very hard right now to NOT be mean that I'm afraid I'll fail miserably at being accurate just so that I don't come across as a total bitch. I will just try to be honest here but I have to warn you...this one hurts so the meanness is probably going to seep through the best of my intentions.

Jordan and I are done -his choice not mine, though I am coming around to the fact that we were probably never particularly well suited. I'm an open communicator, he shuts people out. I'm in touch with my feelings and he seems to be trapped in his. I'm open about my sexuality and he can't take responsibility for his own orgasm.

I am still sad and mostly angry. The end happened on the phone which I suppose is appropriate as that is how our relationship started -though I am still bristled by the fact that he was too much of a coward to actually talk to me face to face. I suppose it would have been very difficult for him to do that as he couldn't even discuss the issue that led to his calling this quits. If you can't talk to your partner about things and are in relationship apathy...then the only thing left to do is let the other person know you've already checked out.

The surprise of it all was shocking. The fact that he picked a fight with me while we (or at least I) was HAMMERED- I mean drunk beyond drunk - was ridiculous to me and really just speaks to his cowardice. Then there was the pulling away and the manipulation (AGAIN!!!!) about needing time to think if he wants this relationship or not. We're not young, we're in our mid to late 30's - this isn't rocket science and if you can't figure out after 5 months if you want to be with someone then the very least you can do is be honest and end things - not hide behind undiscussed issues and ask once more for time away to think.

I want to lash out, I want to confront him and demand that he grow a pair of balls to discuss this with me face to face but know that it's useless. The one thing I learned very well about Jordan is that he will NEVER do anything he doesn't want to do - not ever. If he doesn't want to deal with an issue - he won't. In this situation his pride is far too big for him to even acknowledge me. I suppose what hurts the most is knowing that he never did care for me at all - I really was just some girl, another in-between girl- enjoying my affection,sex, company, but not really caring about ME specifically. To him I could have been anyone. I was convenient I suppose as he met me through his friend and it seemed perhaps the thing to do, to move to Calgary and to have a girlfriend after years of being single. Maybe that should have been my first clue - single for 5 or 8 years ( I could never remember that specific detail) for a man at the age of 38 is pretty unusual and should have served as a warning flag.

Why I continue to let these things happen I just don't know. I don't seek out the In Between Girl status. I don't WANT to be just enjoyed and then put away on the shelf, I want and deserve to be pursued, cared for and loved for ME - not just because I am am convenient or have a vagina...but for ME-Kathy-specifically.

It wouldn't surprise me if Jordan decides to move back to Regina. There is no job for him here, the dirty secret of our relationship exposed to 3 people in his social circle (and he admits he can't even describe his embarrassment around that) - I would think his pride too large to endure staying in Calgary to try to make a life.

Vindictively there is a part of me that really enjoys that Chrissy knows about the issue between Jordan and I as I'm quite certain Jordan had a crush on Chrissy and now won't seek to pursue her in light of her knowing the dysfunction.

Too bitter? I suppose the rawness has yet to subside.

So I'm single once more. I am resisting the urge to just go out and pick up some random person and have meaningless sex just to make myself feel better but it's hard - especially when I have used sex as a healing measure before. Still...falling into old habits won't help me and I need to just focus on getting a new job and a new place to live and continuing to get healthy.

Happiness is just around the corner...all I have to do is be brave and face it.

1001 Sexy Sultan Stories

2010-01-26T14:27:00.000-08:00

Or.....maybe just 1.

I have had this idea about a Sexy Sultan's tent for about 5 years. I had an image in my mind about a hula hoop draped with sheer linens hanging from a ceiling covering a very low table, a floor filled with cushions and candles everywhere. This idea was for something romantic and lovely and sexy. I had not, until recently, ever felt like any of my lovers deserved that much awesomeness. Until Jordan.

Jordan finally came home after being away for over a month and in the week up to his arrival I had been plotting and planning and designing the Sultan's Sexy Tent for his return.

Now I took the photo before the set up was complete - but you get the idea. The whole project took me about 10hrs to complete only because I had to keep adjusting my design idea to accommodate both budget and space. Total cost for the Sultan's Sexy Tent was $60.00 and the BEST part of the whole thing is that all the components can be dismantled and used in again for a different purpose.

When Jordan finally arrived I had the whole Sultan's Sexy Tent set up and though the lights were a bit too bright it still managed to be sultry and sexy which really was the entire goal. I had prepared a Middle Eastern/Mediterranean meal which included the following: pita bread, tzazkiki, hummus sauces for appetizers, pan roasted lemon potatoes served with grilled beef and green/red pepper kababs. For dessert...baklava! We had 1 1/2 bottles of red wine over the course of our evening and ate our meal in the Sultan's Tent sharing a plate that was set on top of pillow over our legs as a table. We ate with our fingers and licked the sauces and juices from them...it was all very delectable, delicate and delicious.

In the background I had some ambient music on and regretted not spending an evening sourcing out belly dancing music. Once we had finished our appetizers and main course I treated Jordan to a bit of a belly dance to the music that was playing. I have never in my life felt so sexy as when I was dancing for him and he was giving me words of encouragement. I was the most uninhibited I have ever been and it was such a playful evening full of sensuality that it will not soon be forgotten!

I am falling in love and I'm not even over thinking things! It's amazing. This feels like the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and in so many ways it's surprising and refreshing. I am not allowed to get away with my normal relationship garbage, he can't get away with any avoidance of topics or issues and we both have based this on mutual respect and admiration. The foundation of this is so solid that I feel comfortable building my hopes and dreams upon this. I am not worried about what I look or sound like. I am totally myself and I realize that this is either going to work out...or it's not. And there isn't much I can do about things to sway it one way or the other...I am just going to be the most awesome me I am...and things will naturally fall into place.

The best part has been waking up next to Jordan and just being quiet for a little while and snuggling up close. The happiness in these moments of silence fills me up so much I have no words to even express myself.

Another Epiphany!

2009-12-17T09:20:00.000-08:00

So lately I've been remiss in updating this and that is because I've been spending quite a bit of my free time working on my H3 project and talking for 3hrs at a time every single night for 2 1/2 weeks to Jordan.

Since joining Re:Life I've made some pretty drastic changes in my life. I have started on a path to get my health in order, I have begun the excited journey toward opening up my own holistic business and I have been setting the bar higher for my personal relationships on the platonic, familial and romantic levels.

One of the lessons in particular that has stuck with me is the one from my 2nd meeting at RE:Life in regards to romantic relationships. It was a lesson that asked you to think about WHY you are in a particular relationship. What are you motives? Are they altruistic or selfish or a combination of both? It was from that lesson that I knew I had to end things with Linus immediately because I was only with him for all the very wrong reasons. He could have been ANYBODY. I didn't care about Linus...I only cared about the needs he could fulfil for me...not about him as a person at all.

After breaking up with Linus I decided to take a bit of time and remain celibate, examine what I wanted in a relationship and ask the Universe to help me out.

I then figured...well...since I'm asking the Universe for help on THAT subject...I may as well ask It for help in a lot of different areas - namely my H3 project and my health and fitness goals.

Well guess what? It WORKED! I have been consciously trying to amend my inner monologue to reflect positive words, phrases, requests, thoughts and deeds. I have been trying to find some quiet moments to meditate and concentrate and relate to things that are going on and in those moments I find the answers to a lot of questions I was asking or better yet...I come to realize that through my social network I know people whom I can ask for help or services.

Now - in regards to Jordan. I have been hearing a lot about Jordan from Ken - a good friend of mine here in Calgary. Ken has been saying for MONTHS that when Jordan moves to Calgary that he and I should get together and that we'd be perfect for each other etc etc. The only down side is that Jordan smokes. Well...I wasn't particularly convinced. Jordan came to Calgary for a visit when I was away in Vancouver. The next time he came to Calgary I was busy that night and couldn't make it. It because so that I didn't think Jordan existed at all! I often referred to him as Ken's Snuffalupagous and just dismissed the idea of Jordan and I ever meeting.

The end of November marked Ken's 40th year on this planet. So with great gusto his fantastic girlfriend Pita planned a wonderful birthday party for him at a local restaurant/bar. The guest list was to include Jordan among 14 other guests.

Earlier in the week I had been going on a dating frenzy but had experienced some disappointment in that department. After a particularly sub-standard date I met my Group of 7 at our local Wednesday night hang out for ribs and wine. Among the attendees was Jordan - my goodness! He exists!!! We exchanged hellos and a warm handshake and then the rest of the night saw me regaling the group with my bad date story. I left fairly early in the evening so didn't get a chance to get to know Jordan very much at all other than he appeared to have a firm gasp of the English Language...in truth he is a veritable Lexicon!

The Friday of Ken's birthday was quite exciting! Jordan and I spent most of the evening chatting and getting to know each other and all the while in the back of my head I was thinking "Too bad he's a smoker". I couldn't help but think that it was very GAP based of me...but I felt strongly that I can not date a smoker for fear of slipping back into that nasty old habit myself.

I admit that most of the night is still quite a blur. I drank DOUBLE my normal amount of alcohol in some sort of unspoken pissing match between Jordan and I. I matched him beer for beer as we laughed and chatted and flirted - though all the while I refused his outright advances.

At the end of the evening I came out and told Jordan outright that he has no chance of dating me until/unless he quits smoking. He insisted he was wanting to quit anyway but I told him that the proof would lie in the eating of the pudding and not just in the pudding itself. This may seem like an odd thing to say but so many people just say "the proof is in the pudding" and I suppose there is some truth in that...the REAL proof is in the EATING of the pudding. So...la.

Sunday was Grey Cup weekend and we had all agreed to go to our local hang out to watch the game. I had already made a 'date' for that day and invited my date along. (this was our 2nd date) It was as I was confirming the date that I realized that the only person who I really wanted to see there was Jordan.

My date Dale arrived over an hour late and brought a spare Dale with him. It seemed very odd to me that a man would be so insecure to watch a sporting event with a 'date' and 4 of her friends...but I suppose not everyone can have my level of self confidence.

The entire afternoon I sat beside Jordan who had his arm around the back of my chair and who was asking me questions, interested in my life and hobbies and ideas. In fact, if it were not for Jordan my date Dale would know NOTHING about me. I did my best to follow social norms and include my date Dale and his friend Dale in the conversations but more and more I just wanted to lean into Jordan's side and quietly confer with him about the game and the people around us. This lead to a very awkward feeling. I hate having someone left out of the group but I was so drawn to Jordan that the conflict I was feeling was apparent to everyone in our little group EXCEPT the 2 Dale's.

At the end of the game Jordan offers to pay for EVERYONE'S drinks and food. Everyone. This was an olive branch offering for how Friday night ended (and no, I will not go into detail here but suffice to say that Jordan felt embarrassed and the need to make amends whereas the rest of us felt that it wasn't necessary as everything worked out in the end and reason won out at the end of the night). I was touched by his generosity but felt it was a bit misplaced and insisted on paying my share. When the 2 Dales heard that Jordan was picking up the tab I'm not even sure if they uttered a Thank You. I felt it was exceptionally rude though perhaps my date Dale thought it rude of Jordan to have his arm around me the entire time as well...

We left the pub and said goodbye to the 2 Dales. The rest of us went back to Ken and Jordan's place for a few more bevvies and to relax. It was a great night and I gave Jordan a bit of a shoulder/neck rub under the guise of wooing him as a new client but honestly...I just wanted to touch him.

The following day Jordan had to leave for Manitoba to finish up some contract work he had there and the plan was that he would be back in town for our Christmas Party which was planned for the 19DEC. All day Monday I could not stop thinking about Jordan. Tuesday rolled around and I texted him a brief note encouraging him to drive safely and to quit smoking. The following day I met Ken and Pita for ribs and we discussed Jordan at length...the more I was getting to know him and about him the more I couldn't stop thinking about him.

The week passed in a blur of work and yoga and ReLife and I found myself constantly distracted by thoughts of Jordan. How very odd for him to have made SUCH an impression with only 3 meetings! Friday we chatted back and forth via Facebook Chat and soon 1 1/2hrs of my work day were eaten up by the quick and easy dialogue between Jordan and myself. It was the catalyst for the weeks to come.

Since that Friday night on 04DEC Jordan and I have talked for on average 3hrs each night on the phone. He flew in for the party on the 19DEC and that is when we had our first official date. This all seems so incredibly romantic but I will let you in a a little secret.

In EVERY SINGLE ONE of my past relationships I have always rushed the physical side of things. ALWAYS. There has been NO exception to that until Jordan. In the weeks while he was away we were chatting so much in a very focused way of "getting to know you" without the possibility of actually being in the same room...therefore the physical side of things was put on the back burner until the 19th. Even then I picked him up from the airport and we did a few errands, made dinner, chatted and cuddled and kissed...but still did not rush into sex.

So the long distance thing is bothering me as of late...but I still can not help but think "this is worth it....HE is worth it". let's just see how the next few months go and I'm going to try really hard to live in the NOW and not think too much about the future and where this may or may not go.

Right now I am trying to learn how to just be a human BEING instead of human DOING.

Breathe in Life, Breathe out Love - repeat. It's necessary

2009-11-30T17:17:00.000-08:00

So another week has FLOWN by me and I am sitting here with my head absolutely spinning with how fast things are going right now.

I am feeling once more disconnected and I am sure this comes from feeling a bit too stretched out. My social obligations that I make for myself are suffering and then I beat myself up about it. My work obligations are too many for me to deal with and with NO support from head office I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm falling in love...and it's a harder thing than I had remembered it being before. It's long distance at the moment and I haven't seen Jordan in over a month. The promise was for him to be here this weekend but that looks like it won't happen and I am desperately trying not to let my disappointment be a BIG THING between us.

I am overwhelmed. My emotions are on such a crazy roller coaster right now that I can't tell if I'm coming or going!

Here is what occupies my spare thoughts. The fucking body scanners at the airport. The fact that we're so close to 1984 that it makes me want to buy a piece of land far far far away and be totally self sufficient. I am feeling myself slipping into hibernation mode...I am forcing myself to go out and be social because if I don't maintain what limited contacts I DO have here in Calgary I will just become a total shut in.

I am phreaking out my little chickens.

I need to figure out how to take all this information and process it so that I can be somewhat back to my Happy Kathy state. I need a break. I need to breathe in Life and breathe out Love...I need to repeat this as it's necessary to gain a bit of sanity in this tumultuous time.

Slip sliding away

2009-11-26T11:26:00.000-08:00

WOw. So there is a LOT going on right now and I've let this slip...AGAIN. Instead of getting all bent out of shape about it I'm just going to let it be what it was.

I have been a lot more social lately but it has come at the expense of me taking some real time for ME. I am still doing the fitness quest (have had 2 workouts this week) and I am still doing some hot Yoga and my eating habits are improving. I need to really give up the social drinking though...that is the one thing I have cut back on but still haven't quite managed to do in a more reasonable moderation.

Things are ticking along for my business. I have my domain name registered and am going to be working on building up my web site before the end of Christmas break. In fact, I mean to work on it over the holidays with some people that can give me some great insights.

I am dating again! Yeah me! I am happy to report that I am definitely attracting a better quality man into my life so that is great. I'll keep you posted if anyone is worthy of note. So far the quality has been great but the quantity has been very limited and I'm unsure of the potential.

I have a crazy crush on Reggie though - he's TROUBLE! I can't help myself in the way I feel about him but at the same time I am not doing anything about it. I'm not telling him, I'm not avoiding him, I'm not trying to do anything at all about it. I am just letting this feeling wash over me every time I see him and sometimes only when I see him in my mind's eye. (this morning's day dream starred Reggie in ways that would make most people blush!).

I am trying to catch myself out when I use negative words. I am trying to be much kinder to myself and it's working! Others have noticed my new found radiance and just my overall attitude of Awesome.

Going to yoga has been bringing up a LOT of emotions. I often get overwhelmed and cry and sometimes I'm not even sure what I"m crying over. I am trying to figure it out, get it out and let it all go.

I no longer feel the need to store hurt and anger. I am making a conscious effort to breath in Life and breath out Love.

This will have to be short for now but I will write more this weekend.

Trust - give or take some fear

2009-10-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

So last night's ReLife discussion was all about Trust. The premise being that you don't need to earn people's trust but instead you need to choose to give it. And I got to thinking about who I trust and why and who I don't trust and why.

I am trying to figure out where it was along the way that I lost trust in my family but more importantly...in myself.

I am so afraid of making the WRONG decision that I just choose to NOT make decisions and rather than assertively going after what I want in life I just let life happen TO me.

Well...that has gotten me to where I am now, but it's not helping me to grow. I have decided to just let go and have more. I am going to let go of fear and I am going to embrace trust. Now I'm not talking about getting hosed on some ponzi scheme but rather I am deciding to use some healthy boundaries but to give a bit more trust out to the world.

For example! I was out on a date 2 weeks ago and things went well. I explained I was going to be away for a week for work and so we texted back and forth during that week and all was fine. Upon my return I text him and he didn't respond until today. So basically it took him 5 days to get back to me.

My first thought was to write him off.

However...after last night's meeting I have really thought about it...and I'm going to try to give out a bit of trust. The worst case is that nothing comes of this with Powell (yeah...I did it...I named him a weird sounding name!).

Sooo. We are happily texting back and forth today and have made plans for Sunday. I'm not worried about whether or not they happen...I'm just going to trust that something lovely will happen in some sort of form. Even if it's just that I spend a few hours with him and laugh at least twice. End of expectation.

That is mostly where a lot of my disappointments come from...I have these expectations and they are rarely ever met. I am just trying to figure out how to relieve myself of these expectations and stay in the moment and life in Real Life!

Reaching...reaching....

2009-10-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

So here I am back in Vancouver for the week surrounded by my Usual Suspects who love me and know me and just accept me for who I am...and I am feeling totally disconnected.

I am feeling in such a flux at the moment and I'm hoping it's just because I am recovering from a horrible case of the flu. In fact, if I were to believe those around me I had the H1N1 virus. I'm not 100% convinced but that's mostly because I don't want to think that I had anything piggy about me.

I am constantly thinking in the back of my head on what I am NOT doing. I'm NOT getting out to move for 30 minutes a day. I am NOT putting my change into a savings jar and these things are bothering me. And then I think...wtf! that is totally GAP based thinking and that has got to stop.

Sooo. I opened up a tin of chocolates on my trade show desk today and when they were all eaten by my various visitors I took the tin and emptied out all my change into it. I will be using this for the rest of my trip to put my change in.

I am feeling a bit better about THAT.

Now. Tonight I am going to hang out with one of my bff's and we're going to crack a bottle of wine, chat and hopefully I will start to feel a bit more human.

This is alllll over the place here so just be warned.

I am missing my Re:Life Community. I hate that I haven't been out in 2 weeks though it was nice to connect with a few of them in the week before I left. I feel like I need to slow down my life a bit and I am annoyed that my current employment is preventing me from dedicating more time to the Re:Life Village. Mostly I am resentful that I am missing out on the meetings.

I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my tolerance for how unethical my boss is, how poorly he treats his staff and especially how poorly he runs the business. I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my complacency. I am no longer able to just do this or that at his will without questioning him...and I know that is not my role...but I just can't help myself.

I am also feeling like I am reaching out more to my friends and family and trying to repair, renew and reevaluate my relationships.

I am reaching deep within myself as well to get the strength to face the trials that are about to be faced. I am not going into this lightly. I know that the changes I want to make in my life will have me looking down into some dark scary places I have buried for a long time. I am reaching the point where I can no longer ignore the monsters in my closet and it's time for them to come out and be revealed for the harmless things they are. For I know once I expose them and deal with things I will be free - truly free - to make better connections in my life in ALL the areas that really matter to me.

SO! I have made the decision to attend the next Re:Life meet up even if that means I have to get up EXTRA early the next day to set up the trade show for the Red Deer crowd. This is just something I have to do for myself. I need to keep this up so that I don't fall into hibernation mode. I need to do this for myself. I am so close, so on the verge of making a real transformation...not just a temporary change...I'm talking about leaving my cocoon and actually using my wings to fly. I am reaching reaching reaching and this time I mean to hold on!

Hey! What's the big idea???

2009-10-06T11:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I'm late with this! I was a bit overwhelmed last week with a few things and then went to Vancouver for the weekend so I am just now getting caught up on a few things back here in Calgary.

I want to try to continue to post my Re:Life Village lessons on a weekly basis not only to share with you my little chickens, but to also keep this fresh in my mind and as a way of focusing so I can accomplish my goals.

SO! Last week's lesson was on BIG IDEAS! Here is how it works.

Bold is a must, Idealistic is encouraged, Generic is forbidden.

The exercise starts with you using a blank piece of paper and writing your name down in the middle of the paper. Next you think up all the words to describe you (personality, physically, emotionally, spiritually etc etc) and you write these down all around your name.

Use EVERY word or thought process you want. Eg "Wants to open own business" or "Frustrated in my job" Define yourself as others see you "sister" "daughter". Use your personality traits "Entertainer" "Confident". Use the bad stuff in there too "Lazy" "Cocky" There is no right or wrong answer. You just write down everything that comes to mind. Next you look at the list and see if any of the words/phrases really jump out at you. Circle those ones. Now realize that no matter WHAT words you wrote down...no matter if you think they are negative or positive...are wrong. These are all the things that make you who you are. We are all full of positives and negatives and the key is to just ACCEPT who you are. WHOLLY!

Ok. Next we had a worksheet to go from which looked sort of like this (I can't seem to figure out how to insert a table nor does cut and paste work from a word doc)

BIG IDEA
What do you want to accomplish in the next 12 months. Max 5 ideas

Body- why
How will this effect your physical needs & desires?

Mind- why
How will this affect your emotional needs & desires?

Spirit- why
How will this affect your greater purpose & passions?

Daily
What goals can you set daily to build your vision?

Weekly
What goals can you set weekly to build your vision?

Purge
What must you get rid of & grieve in your life?

Reward
How & When will you mark and celebrate progress?

Take some time to REALLY think about what you want to do in the next 12 months and write down your big 5. I have already filled out 2 of my big 5 and am thinking about the others. I am pretty sure I know what they are but I want to be sure so I can use the worksheet to go through them all.

The good news is this. Even if you do not accomplish your goal to completion in 12 months...you can modify your BIG idea to suit it. Eg, I know I'm not going to be out of debt in one year so I am setting a realistic goal for myself in that regard. I am going to lower my debt load by half. This is totally doable. I am also going to get more active and lose weight...I am not setting a certain amount on this...just changing my lifestyle in general to gain overall health.

Pretty soon as I make the steps daily and weekly toward my goals I will review this list and set new and more specific goals. I will visualize the exact amount of debt I will be free from and I will visualize exactly what my body is going to look like...right down to muscle tone and what I can wear etc.

Dream big my little chickens - you CAN accomplish your goals that you set out to - this tool might help you stay focused on your goals. Remember to really think about WHY you are wanting these things done. What inspires you?

In other news I have 2 drop dead gorgeous neighbours who have just moved in next door. As it happens...one of them is a personal trainer. Guess who just hired him OUTSIDE of his gym for $30.00hr 3 times a month? Yes...me! I am already on my way to accomplishing my first goal and I am SO PHREAKING EXCITED!

The long look inside

2009-09-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

Sooo. This week has been fraught with emotion. I'm suffering through the worst PMS I've ever had and yet I'm also tuning in with myself. I believe in serendipity. I believe that everything does happen for a reason and I'm becoming a bit more Spiritual in the last week or so.

Now I'm not praying to God or Allah or Buddha or anyone for that matter. I'm talking about just trying to BE and connect to the world around me.

On Tuesday I made sure to confirm with my RE:Life group for our special meeting of Life Mapping. I checked online and noticed the change of venue - but more than that, I learned that one of our members (whom I had not met) had died in a cycling accident on the Oregon coast. That night I took Tiernan out to the River Park but I was about an hour later than our regular time. As I made my way across the street to the park I noticed Caren and Caterina just entering the park.

Why was I an hour late? There was no reason. I wasn't caught up on the phone, I wasn't doing anything of note, there was no excuse other than my own lethargy preventing me from going at the regular time. I can't help but think that this was a great happening so that I could connect with Caren and Caterina outside of the Re: Life group. We spent 2 hrs talking and I learned quite a bit about Kitty - the girl that had died. I almost felt like I got to meet her from the way that Caren and Caterina were talking.

On Thursday I went to the Re:Life meeting and I was 15 minutes late. I was extremely frustrated and embarrassed and had a bit of a melt down. I was happy that they waited for me but I was flustered none the less.

The first half hour was spent as a memorial for Kitty and though I didn't know her...I couldn't stop the tears from flowing - especially during the song that Caterina had played. The song was soft and poignant and I'm sure under different circumstance it might even be uplifting. I mourned as if I knew her and felt very conflicted as I did so. Perhaps it was just that I could empathize with the group and felt their energy. Especially Caterina - who lost a good friend and potential mate in Kitty.

The next part of the meeting was spent Life Mapping. This was so incredibly hard for me because I had to look so far down inside myself. Now I'm not talking about your regular soul searching...I'm talking about the fucking Marianna's Trench of your very being. And that my little chickens...can be really dark and scary.

There was a sheet to work from that had 4 columns as follows:

GAP
Where do you feel ashamed or fear? What are you hiding?
___________________________________________________________________________

LIFE
What do you truly desire in your heart? What do you really want from Life?
_____________________________________________________________________________

BLESSING/TRUTH
How have we committed to help you turn from the Gap to Life?
______________________________________________________________________________

COMMITMENT
______________________________________________________________________________

The key here is to delve down into your very own Marianna's Trench and answer these questions honestly. Can you answer these? I won't lie to you chickens...I knew nearly immediately what my Gaps were and what I was hiding...and I cried. I cried because these are Gaps I have carried with me for nearly all my life and when I wrote them down it was like staring at my enemy right in the eye. It was nearly overwhelming.

I listed to the group share their Gaps and Life columns and I offered my blessings and commitment to those I felt comfortable doing so with. I was the last to share my Gap and Life columns and I only shared one of items I wrote down. It was the only one I wanted to share at that time and I will share it again here.

My biggest Gap right now is that both my physical and emotional houses are in shambles. I am letting my emotions rule me and I'm filling the emptiness inside me with food and lethargy. I am allowing my emotions to manifest physically into apathy, sloth and gluttony.

Soo. What do I truly want out of life in changing my gap? I want to clean these houses. I want to become more active physically and actively seek ways to control my emotions a bit more. I think that it's high time to figure out why I hide myself in my weight.

The Blessings and Encouragement that I received from the group was amazing. Especially from Josie whom I had met only once for 10 minutes. Ethan - who runs the group was particularly moving in his Blessing that he gave me.

Now I know I know we're using the word "Blessing" but it's more like a positive thought or wish for someone. This group is actually not religious at all. I'd say it's more Spiritual in that it accepts you no matter what religion you may or may not believe in. Being Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or Muslim it doesn't matter. Religion is not a part of what we discuss.

There are other items in my GAP and LIFE column and I was a bit too busy crying and trying to receive the blessings that I forgot to write them down in my Blessing/Truth column.

Now we come to the last column This one was already filled out with a pledge to the Re: Life village. This is basically up to the individual if they wanted to sign and commit to the group. The commitment could be through time, treasure or talent and it also states that there is no obligation or proof needed - it has stated that your actions demonstrate your commitment.

Of course I had no problems signing that. I have committed to this group wholeheartedly . I will try to do whatever I can to uphold the core beliefs of Compassion, Community and Communion (not in the Catholic way!!).

I can't help but think that this is the beginning of a fantastic relationship with my life and I can't wait to share this experience with others with the hope of helping them on their path as well.

One (of many) BIG IDEA

2009-09-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

Right! I'm trying to get back into posting a bit more regularly even if this is my own drivel. It's cathartic drivel and really...I'm still of the opinion that if you don't like it don't read it. An incredibly simple concept - and yet- it alludes many.

So I did end things with Linus but I fear I have given him some false sense of hope. I am not sure if I could ever just simply accept him for who he is. I believe that a large part of what was missing for me was respect. No job, living at home, part time Dad that seems OK with giving up totally on his sons...I just could not get on board with respecting those things. He did make several strides at improving himself in our short term together - but is this enough for me? I don't know.

Right now I can't imagine being in ANY relationship at all. Right now the most fulfilling and joyous relationships I have is with Tiernan - my dog. I would like to be able to say the same thing of myself but I'm just not quite there yet and I am definitely not able to say that of my relationship with Linus.

I have recently joined a Life Coaching group called Re:Life. This isn't the typical Life Coaching scenario - this is a group discussion on a range of topics and I like this quite a bit. I like getting more than just one opinion to mull over and it feels like a pretty safe environment to share some of my crap with. I like the fact that we're all coming from vastly different places in our lives so it's not so much one on one or one vs. many but the sharing and community aspect of this group is quite amazing. If you are interested in knowing more about this then please visit their website: http://giftofrelife.com/

The key to this is being honest with yourself. It's quite a difficult thing for some - myself included. I'd love to believe that my shit doesn't stink...but it does and I'm not going to try to mask it with floral sprays. I just have to acknowledge my behaviour in whatever form it takes and then try to make the adjustments in myself to have better relationships - regardless if they are platonic, romantic, or familial.

So right now my BIG IDEA is to take a few months just for me. Stop worrying about love or sex or any combination of the two. I am quite tempted to remove myself from several online boards (not this one chickens so don't worry) just so I can have a fresh start.

I have noticed that the majority of my life changes/decisions tend to happen in Autumn. I'm not really sure why that is - perhaps I instinctively just do this close to my birthday so I have a fresh year for a fresh look/attitude.

My first dance class was a great success and I felt amazing afterwards. Linus is in my class as well and that wasn't quite as awkward as I had initially thought it was going to be. I could feel his eyes on my the entire time but I choose to just ignore it. I am determined to have fun, learn these dances and practise at every opportunity.

Today and every day I have to decide to love my life. I have to do the things that make me feel good and that not only benefits me...but those around me as well. Let go, have more, give back.

I've had an epiphany!

2009-09-09T18:47:00.001-07:00

And I'm not too happy about it! In fact - I'm pretty disgruntled.

My life is not a movie or tv sitcom and it's not likely to become one anytime soon. How completely disappointing!! There is no guy waiting in the wings for me to notice him, there is no drop dead gorgeous man who will suddenly decide that an overweight woman with shaky self esteem is his great big fat (insert ethnicity) wedding.

The one great trait I have is my ability to dodge the "miserable ever after" bullet.

Miguel and I broke up - I'm not going to get into it. It's over, it's done, it was all built on lies he told me and I told myself. I am just as much to blame as him - I was pretty sure he was full of shit but I just wanted my dream to come true so badly that I failed to pay attention to all the warning signs.

So now I'm seeing Linus. There are so many great qualities about Linus...unfortunately - he is my bitter rebound. I know this because for every great quality he has I see about 10 flaws. There are many many women who he could make blissfully happy - but I think in the end I would make him totally unhappy. There are too many things that make him innately him that I want him to completely change!

I am not used to dating down on an intellectual level and I am doing that with Linus. He's not dumb - but he's not that smart. It's not even a book vs. street smart issue. I can't quite explain it. Perhaps it just comes down paying attention - and I am not talking about to 'the little things'. He can't see the BIG THINGS yet he will try his hardest to find the little things.

Anyway...I just need some time to find a way to gently tell him that this is just not going to work out in the long run.

I bring this up because one of my very best friend's just got married. I got very caught up in the romance of the wedding that I found myself day-dreaming about my own wedding - and knew in my heart that the man I marry would not be Linus.

So here I am with the promise of improving myself (again) and I am just wondering...where to start? Yes my weight has become an issue - I am no longer comfortable in my own body and of course that shows in public. However, I'm not so naive to think that my weight is what is holding my back from my happily every after.

So what is it? What the fuck is happening in my brain that I can't figure my life out!!! BAHHHH

Ahem.

And if someone finds the script to my life can they reveal if I get my happily ever after without totally giving away the fun and mystery of my happily ever after ending??

Thanks.

Royally Fucked

2009-04-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

Don't be alarmed little chickens...I'm not talking about being screwed in any other way other than in the bestest way possible!!!

I can't even begin to tell you what last night was like. There are no words. It was the sort of sex that is written about by the likes of Anais Nin or even Henry Miller...or Anais Nin ABOUT Henry Miller! teehee It was the sort of sex that required a considerable amount of re-hydration and linen changing. It was the sort of sex I was not sure I was ever going to have in my life.

I don't want to get into all the juicy details but I just wanted to post something. I was never more completely satisfied as I was last night. I was never so responsive or had a partner so willing to please me.

The more time I spend with Miguel the more I feel a very calm, relaxed and very deep connection to him. It is a slow burn...like the embers of a camp fire that are still there in the morning so you can have a warm and quiet moment to yourself and then you can put a few logs on and the fire continues into the next day...and so on and so on.

A brief update of the heart

2009-03-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

So I have reached the stage of my relationship with Miguel where I begin to doubt absolutely everything. Despite him being really caring, and great communication skills and a host of other pluses...I can't help but feel this nagging horrible voice in my head that says "this is too good to be true!".

I have also gained some weight since we started dating and I know it is because I have been less active and been drinking more beer than I usually do. I have decided to take affirmative action toward my health and really focus a bit more on ME. This includes my diet, going to the gym and taking Tiernan (my puppy) for much needed loooonnnnggggg walks! Oh - and I'm going to see a councilor as well - time to get to the heart of what is a matter I think.

I wonder when my self confidence got so shaky? When did I stop believing in myself and my ability to adapt? I am feeling exceptionally homesick this week and have broken down more than once in weepy tears. I miss my friends a lot. I really miss Rosa, Bman, Jordie, Leroy, Rus and Tryst like phreaking mad mad mad.

The GOOD news is -they may all (or some) be coming to visit over the Easter long weekend! HOOORAH! This means of course that I will need to be working like a phreaking mad bastard doing some SERIOUS OT to make sure that I can have the weekend clear so I don't have ANY work distractions happening over that weekend.

I am starting to look forward to my trip to San Francisco. I do love that city and the group I'm going with is pretty cool. Having said that...I'm behind on their documents so I really need to make sure that everything is A OK or this guy will totally phreak out!!

I really hope my friends are able to come out. I am wishing that with all my heart and soul and sending out pleading vibes to the universe to provide for me some much needed R&R with people I love. I am especially needing this as I am not able to come home for Easter and see my family.

Oh - I saw what I believe was a birch tree on my walk with Tiernan today. I have long dreamt of the birch trees from my childhood and can remember how the leaves would sound when the wind blew through them. I thought I smelt the salty musky smell of the sauna from camp as I sat there looking at the birch bark tree. I was overcome with missing my youth and especially my Grandma.

Attending Grandma's funeral was phreaking brutal. There will be NO open casket for me. No way! I was DUPED into seeing her in the casket. DUPED I tell you! When Grandpa asked all us Grandchildren to come into the Anex I thought it was to give us instructions on what to do as pall bearers. No. It was to see Grandma laid out before us for a last goodbye. For me an open casket is not a good way for a final goodbye. It's creepy as hell and Grandma looked like a very hollow shell of her former self. Even the last time I saw her and she was very weak and frail...she looked better than falsely puffed up with embalming fluid and too much makeup. It was horrible, I hated it and I would be lieing if I didn't admit that it has given me nightmeres for the last 2 months.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am looking forward to meeting my new healthy needs with a positive attitude.

Chippin' away

2009-02-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

So this week has been very trying and I know I'm suffering from some serious PMS but when my crazy hormones are met with people who are unreasonably demanding, rude and pretty much down right PROUD of their ignorance...well...you can imagine the tizzy I have been in.

I often wonder how people can think it's OK to be less than mediocre. In dealing with a supplier this week I received an email that was so full of spelling mistakes that it was appalling! The writer of the letter actually used the (I'm going to use 'word' here...but clearly it's not a word at all!) word "whut". Whut??? WHUT??? Do you mean WHAT? Holy Shit! This is a BUSINESS letter!

Going on public forums and making mention of how spelling has seemingly gone by the way-side I was FLAMED for it. That I was picking on people, coming off arrogant, flaunting my education. My god. If being able to have a gr.8 level of spelling is FLAUNTING my education then YES...I guess I am!

This just really made me so sad. The people that were so vocal about how it's acceptable to have such poor spelling have kids. They are raising their kids that it's OK to be too lazy to use spell check and that if someone says something you disagree with ...not only is it OK but EXPECTED that you retaliate not with logic...but with insults.

Anyway...the bright spot in my week has been Miguel. We hung out on Monday night (I made dinner) and then we went dancing yesterday. I absolutely do care about Miguel. He is really quite sweet and he treats me a lot of respect and silliness - which I do adore.

He is forever giving me compliments and I'm not afraid to admit that the sex is pretty good! He has amazing tattoos on his arms and for some reason I can't keep my eyes off them when we're naked. I know he thinks I don't look elsewhere but I do...my eyes just keep roaming back to his arms.

I am starting to feel more relaxed and open around him. I think I've stopped phreaking out over my body and our noticeable height difference. I am taller than him by at least 3 inches. I think at first it bothered me...but now I don't even notice it!

Saturday is Valentine's Day and I admit that I have pretty high expectations. We are going for dinner and more salsa dancing. I plan on having a little gift for him including one of my favourite Pablo Naruda poems written out in both English and Spanish for him. The gift isn't much...I admit that I have been exceptionally rusty in the 'how to be romantic' department but for some reason I really want to try with Miguel.

I am going to really try to breathe and enjoy this and just see where this goes. Maybe we'll end up with a house on the beach in Mexico, maybe we'll end up with a house on the coast in BC. or maybe this will all end in tequila tears. The point is...I am going to allow myself to feel whatever this is.

I think that I have spied a chip in the wall...

You're terrible Kwerkie

2009-02-06T21:04:00.000-08:00

So here I am...watching "My" movie. "Muriel's Wedding". It smacks so much of me (minus the ocker Aussie accent) I can't decide whether to laugh or cry. I think I'm leaning more toward crying.

Why am I so blocked from opening myself up? Why do I want something when I'm clearly not quite ready? I know Marcus is waiting for me to call him...I'm sure he thinks I would have called him by now...and I think I am supposed to...but I can't pick up the phone.

I used to be so open. I used to be that girl that believed that love conquers all and that all you need is love and I may as well be Ewan McGregor in Moulan Rouge! But here I am...a bitter Kwerkie. I feel consumed by the bitterness - I'm drowning in it...I open my mouth to breathe and all that comes in is terrible horrible bitterness - so sour I choke on it.

I have gotten so very good at running away from myself that I have it down to an artform. However; in typical fashion, the honeymoon lasts for about 6 months to a year and then CRASH! Reality marches in, slaps me in the face and I am left with the stingburning across my face. I can feel it...and yet I do nothing about it.

The gym has my money and not my presence. This blog has been long sitting dusty out there in the ether. I'm sleeping more, eating more and feeling more and more like crawling under my covers and never coming out.

When is this spiral going to break? Where to start is the best question...I know I need change, I need progress, I need something positive in my life. If the journey begins with a single step...what is the step that needs to be taken first?

I think I'm going to just start by being a bit nicer to myself. Maybe I'll start with a smile.

The Great Wall of Kwerkie

2009-02-05T21:51:00.001-08:00

When it happened I am really not sure...but somewhere between Ronan and Roberto I have created a rather large wall around my heart and despite my good intentions...I have no way of knocking it down Berlin style.

I am dating a guy who is very nearly too good to be true. Today he called me out on the wall factor. He says lovely things to me all the time - how he loves spending time with me, how he can't wait to see me again, how beautiful I am, that he accepts my curves but encourages healthy choices. He loves my brain and furthermore...demands that it be constantly stimulated.

I am trying my best to let him in. I am, I really am...but for some reason I am blocking. We have these really intense conversations, he's so super at all the little things...an yet here I am with this horrible wall up and I haven't been able to find my axe or cycle! bahhhh!

I am really hesitant for some reason...and despite me bringing up my fears with him...and us talking about it...I'm still not getting my papers approved to cross over!

Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

After a long hard look...

2009-01-26T20:54:00.000-08:00

inside of myself...I have decided to forage once more into this blog.

There has been a few drastic changes that have occurred and so I thought it high time to share. First off...the move to Calgary has been very much like a dream. Only in the dream I'm stressed out about the sheer volume of work I have to do!

I'm a bit lonely...but am slowly making friends in the real world by continuously going out and joining new and exciting ventures. I"m learning Spanish! (hola!) and I'm going to the gym (sometimes) and...I am the proud companion to a 4 legged furry baby named Tiernan!

So far I have to say that I LOVE being a dog owner! I get to go outside 3 times a day (though in the bitter cold I admit we don't go for a walk) and I'm meeting loads of neat people at the dog park.

I am far too busy at work though. It's mental how many new schools I have as clients. I am always going hither and tither and it constantly amazes me how entitled my new clients are. Perhaps they are my new clients because they have been 'fired' from the competition!

My dating life...well. I am going on NUMEROUS dates -but I'm still no closer to finding anyone who I am particularly excited about. There are statistically more men than women in this city and people here care more about personality than physicality which is refreshing but at the same time...I find many of the men here to be Momma's Boys or just lack the self confidence to be able to be in a partnership with me.

I just wonder if this move is me trying to better myself or trying to run away from myself. There is a large part of this that feels very unreal. Like suddenly I'm going to wake up and then find myself back in my old place in Vancouver.

This is such trifle but I had to at least *start* to write something. I do apologize for mundane nature of the post...like I said...I just needed to begin again.

Atlas - thy name is Kwerkie

2008-07-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

I have some pretty amazing talents. Oh it's true...you know it it to be true. The thing is...just because I am really really gooood at something doesn't necessarily mean it's anything that is helpful to myself or to others.

I have a great talent for procrastination for example. This never seems to do me any great favours.

I have a mild talent for biting my tongue...today I nearly relinquished my self control to rebuke someone...but I counted to 10 and remembered that I have the ability to just let some things go.

I am feeling 49 tons of pressure and for some reason...I keep adding to the pile of ...well...STUFF that I need to do in the next 4 weeks. Some of this pressure I create all on my own with my own idea of what I think I want to have happen and how exactly I want that to happen. I have an amazing talent for expectations.

The car situation this week - this is making me feel like 'wholly crap! I'm growing up!!!" There is a certain amount of resistance to that...there is a part of me that thinks this is will just weigh me down - oh the responsibility of it all. The other part of me recognizes the amazing freedom this will give me - there is an even larger part of me that also knows how dangerous this freedom can be for me...I have an amazing talent for running away.

Let's see - this weekend I'm trying to really let go of any sort of expectation and I might try to just try some flights of fancy. I have an amazing talent for whimsy too - ask me about my brief stay in a Thai brothel!

And the move - I am excited and finally things are falling into place for this. I received the rental agreement for my place in Calgary - though I do believe it has the wrong unit number on it! YIKES. It requires another call to Stan (the landlord) to make sure that the i's I'm crossing are in fact not t's that should be dotted! (yes I'm aware they are mixed)

There is a lot of schtuff to do and I need to stop taking on the other issues both real and perceived. I need to NOT be Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders...maybe it's time to play with Eros for a while...

To sleep perchance to dream

2008-07-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

Sooo....day 2 of the insomnia and I have to say that I'm Thankful that I haven't started to hallucinate...yet. So much on my mind lately and feeling like there is so little in my heart :( .

My 93 year old Grandma was here to visit and I saw her 2 days for about 8hrs a day and I just feel numb. I didn't cry. I didn't get excited much. I didn't even feel like I had a visit at all. I was simply in the same room. I was also pretty distracted by the monkeys (my 3 nephews and 1 niece), the constant pain in my hip and lower back and the fact that I have about 1 month to get everything organized for a Big Move and I feel like I hardly know where to begin!

I hung out with Ray on Friday night and that was pretty good for my soul. We always have very deep and emotional laded conversations about relationships and he's convinced that my move to Calgary will see me meeting some fabulous man and starting my family. We shall see. I am trying not to really think about that stuff right now as I have about 3 million loose ends to tie up here before the move - not the least of which is figuring out if I'm going to take all my belongings or just sell them all and have a fresh start there.

My biggest concern right now with the move is my Boss. I don't think he's really thought this through on how much it's going to cost him. He seems very upset that he has to pay for my desk and chair and working materials in Calgary. This seems exceedingly shortsighted of him - I don't pay for any of that stuff HERE...why would I have to pay for that THERE? Idiot. He also believes it's OK to ask me to give up my hard earned holidays to come into the office and sort this stuff out. I'm sure he's going to be SHOCKED when he realizes that it just means he's giving me MORE time off at Christmas on top of my regular holidays. Idiot.

The GOOOOOOD news about the move is that I'm going to be away from him and in control of how often he can micro manage me :) That is the beauty of telling him he can only contact me Mon-Fri 8-4AM...I can then turn off all communication devices and enforce it:) I think he believes I'll be available to him 24/7 and this is simply NOT the case. I know he wants me to be as invested as he is in the company...but until I make his wage...I am just not.

I'm going to see if I can get a few more precious moments of sleep. I've had 4 hrs so far...but it would be fabulous to grab another 30. I hope I have calming dreams.

L'ete

2008-07-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

So it really is officially Summer in Vancouver and I am enjoying the run of gorgeous days we've had recently.

My back is out and there's a story there...but I'm not going to get into it. I just want to let it allll go. Tuesday of this past week was the first day I was able to actually stand upright...before that I was hobbling around like Igor...the only thing missing was me hissing at someone "Yessss masssster".

Yesterday after my chiropractor appointment I spent a wonderful day with just myself. Harvey called as was planned but I'm glad that he wasn't keen on seeing me - it made it easier for me to be even MORE aloof and blah-zay with him. I wonder if it even registers with him.

My date with myself included an indulgence in Thai food (yeahhhhh Noodle Box!!!) and a long walk along the beach, a completed book and some of my own words written down as well. The evening was spent as I like to spend hot summer nights - a cool glass of wine, a good book and my patio. And then some porn. A great date indeed!

Another brick in the wall

2008-07-08T23:57:00.000-07:00

Sooo...it's been about 2 months since Rodger dumped me and there are few thoughts I wanted to share with you - the world.

This is probably the first time in my life I can actually FEEEEEEL my walls coming up. Brick my brick, emotional coping device after emotional coping device I can nearly feel my heart hardening...or maybe it's just been the excess dairy I've been eating.

So I figured the best way to get over Rodger was to get under someone else. *sigh* This is not going as well as I had planned. First off...the guy I have as my 're-bound dude' is older than me by about 13years. Normally this wouldn't bother me but I am beginning to suspect that he's an alcoholic...and so...when he spends the night at my place I repeatedly have dreams of my alcoholic father.

Harvey is kind and has a lot of lovely things to say to me...but we are really not fooling anyone. This is just sex. Good sex for sure...but it's just sex. Now with this really odd Electra factor happening I am finding that I just don't return his calls or texts nearly as quickly as I'm sure he would hope. Sometimes I don't call or text him back at all. I am aloof to him and when he asks me things about myself - I don't really answer him but use very clever deflective skills.

I am amazed that even as I am doing this strange dance of lust with Harvey...I still find myself thinking of Rodger and still hoping that he might actually come to his senses. And then...then I suddenly think...why?

I can't trust Rodger again...so the ONLY reason I would want him to come crawling back would to PURPOSELY (yes - you read that right) be MEAN to him. For some reason I want to hurt him as he hurt me...only worse and with a better vocabulary.

Why is it that I can't seem to resist contacting him only to be aloof and acerbic towards him? WHAT is the point? WHY isn't my energy being spent elsewhere? Like...yoga or working out or painting or ANYTHING but what I'm currently doing.

Even recognizing this toxic behaviour hasn't STOPPED me. I am embarrassed and yet I can't seem to stop myself and move on. I am hoping that by writing all this done I will now be able to let this go.

Let go
Have more

Oh....and I'm moving to Alberta! More news on that soon. I refuse to become a Flames fan...and I'm not sure I can be a full time country music listener...but I might just take up curling in the winter!

Sorry this is so late...

2008-07-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

So Rodger dumped me about 2 months ago and I haven't had the bravery to tell you. It's so ridiculous I know...WHO exactly am I telling anyway? The world?? Sure. Why not.

The WORST of the WORST is ...I was really hurt...still am hurt. I have also remained his 'friend' which seems more painful to me...soon I will likely pull the plug on even that. I do believe my friend card is full.

So here was my initial reaction to Rodger's "It's not you it's me" break up.

***

The problem with being an emotional person is that when I have an emotion...any emotion at all....I really really feel it. I'm not that great at shutting off the switch; of pushing things to the corner and getting to them later (if at all) and it's not like I want to become some sort of Kathy3000 or anything, but wouldn't it be super great if I could just set the doubts and fears aside for a rainy day?

Of course, having said that, I DO live in Vancouver so saving *anything* for a rainy day is a dangerous venture. I'd be more likely to be consumed by the very things I wish to put off if I saved them for a rainy day.

What I have admitted to myself is that I am the common denominator in my life.

If I wish to change some of my behaviours that frustrate me -these things need to be changed from the core.

An example - my apartment seems to be in a constant state of squaller. This does not make me want to spend time in my own abode. This also does not make me want to tackle what feels (really really feels) like an impossible task of creating cleanliness and order.

My apartment reflects my life. Keep it in a state of clutter and mess and my life as a whole seems to be cluttered and messy.

Another good example is that I make some decent coin...but I have NOTHING to show for it and I am successfully playing Ostrich to my debt.

SO...enough! If I can not make myself accountable to myself NOW...when will I? On the cusp of my 40th Birthday? That hardly seems pragmatic. The time is now. The hour is at hand when I can really DO something and make positive changes at my very core.

I deserve to live in a place that makes me feel relaxed and safe. Having to walk a gauntlet just to get to the kitchen is not conducive to that. I deserve to live in a comfortable financial state without the nagging anxiety of knowing I owe this or that.

The nice thing about unexpected events that occur in your life is that you get the opportunity to look at it...really look deeply at it...and figure out ways to make positive steps for only yourself.

This week has me at the bank - please wish me fiscal luck! A car is needed by 30 June and it would be SWELL if I could get a relatively 'newish' one. I'm hoping for a green one...I like the colour green.

Also- I wanted to say something about my friends. What amazing women and men I have in my life! The support and love I have received from you (and you know who you are!!!) was amazing. The martinis and ice cream helped a bit...but the love (and Monkey lovin') was what I really needed. And never underestimate the power of a few beautifully written words to remind oneself of some things that may have temporarily been forgotten.

So here I go...looking at the common denominator, subtracting the messy clutter and financial irresponsibility, adding more positive changes and I might just finally be me - the sum of all awesomeness. ( I had to consciously avoid the use of the term 'pie' in that math analogy).

And...because I don't mind a mixed metaphor...I am suddenly reminded of a very sexy story about a Lotus flower. In my journey I think I am as the Lotus is in the picture here - nearly ready to open and be utterly fabulous.

Les Printempts

2008-03-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

I love Vancouver in the spring. Cherry blossoms bursting from trees, pale pink whispers to darker pink kisses. I think the Japanese have something there when they sexualize Cherry Blossoms.

The weather today was typical Vancouver - it started sleepy and grey, clouds threatening to leak water from their seams, but then the sun came out and convinced them to save their moisture for another day...the weekend perhaps.

I'm still dating Roger and things are going very well indeed. We have what we call 'naked chats'...and I won't insult you by thinking you can't figure out what that means. There is something very refreshing about being naked both physically and emotionally when we have these chats - it's harder to hide your feelings when you are already feeling vulnerable - I think the lack of clothing makes for more honest talks.

I won't lie to you...I'm starting to have quite a lot of feelings for Roger. I am really trying to NOT over think this and to just go with things. I have a habit of tearing things apart and likely having a lot of self destructive behaviours within most of my past relationships.

I enjoy the way we seem to fit and we're always in each other's brains...already finishing sentences and knowing what the next witty retort will be. We seem to be totally at peace with each other which is quite lovely - and I am the most open with him on a sexual level as well so there's another added bonus.

So we shall see how this continues to grow and as long as I stay in the moment I think this will be a fantastic journey. I am not thinking of it ending, I'm not planning our wedding or naming our unborn children - I am just really enjoying the steps on this journey as we take them.

For once in my life I am completely in the present and it feels calming and freeing and I am deeply happy.

Have I mentioned...

2008-03-01T20:12:00.000-08:00

How great things are right now?

By "things" I just mean life in the most general sort of way. I am , of course, still very swamped at work and every day there feels more and more frustrating - but my happiness is coming from other areas right now.

I am getting to the gym on average about 4 times a week and that is making me feel soooo goooood. There are always a million excuses for me NOT to go...but once I am there I actually enjoy it. It's great ME time.

I am trying to keep my apartment cleaner...though still have a challenge in the bedroom. I don't know why I'm such a messy mess...I am slowly changing that behaviour though and one day will be a cleany clean. teehee

And...another important plus is that I'm dating a fantastic guy! I know it's new and I know it's all in the beginning stages...but I am just happy and enjoying it. I don't want to think too much about it...I want to live in the NOW!

I am burning my candles, drinking my wines and making sure that I'm not just waiting for some imagined perfect moment to celebrate things in my life. I am celebrating me...every day. Do you knwo why? Because just like the L'Oreal commercial says...I AM worth it!

I've been working on a few pieces and when I'm happier with them I'll post them on here for your enjoyment /critique.

SMOOCHES!

And the good vibes continue

2008-02-20T18:17:00.000-08:00

Sooo....I'm dating people. Well...possibly not 'people' exactly...I've been on 3 dates in 3 days and they were all with the same dude!!

Roger is cute and nice and we'll see if we can continue to hang out etc. It also doesn't hurt that he's a Sommelier and I'm eager to learn more about wines from all places. weee.

Anyway - a new 'writing' for your amusement.

I am trying to very hard not to think of you. I am trying not to remember what it felt like to kiss you for the very first time – a meeting of mouths, a slight parting of lips, tongues shyly seeking each other out.

I am really trying to focus on anything besides the memory of your hands in my hair, pulling me closer into you. I am pretending that I don’t still taste you or feel your breath on my neck, or hear your voice murmuring lascivious desires into my ear.

I am clearly failing at removing the mental image of you stroking your hard cock directly in front of my face and how I was equal parts turned on and frustrated that you wouldn’t let me take you into my mouth and run my tongue around the ridge of the smooth head.

Now - a sudden rush of wetness between my legs as I clearly re-live the moment when at last I was able to wrap my lips around you, feel you writhe and twitch with pleasure and finally explode into my mouth – hot liquid bursts of gratification. Kissing you afterwards, sharing in the taste I felt my own loins constrict with bliss.

Even now I try to push from my mind the memory of your fingers buried deep inside me…stroking me and coaxing me to cry out with ecstasy. Then again when the bud of my clit - fully engorged and begging for your touch was played with ever so gently - your fingers lightly skipping over it and then a new sensation as your tongue found the hard nodule and worked it over – licking, sucking and probing.

Yes…I am trying very hard not to think of you today and how my body is alive with sensations too sensitive to mention.

Sen Sah Shon Elle!

2008-02-05T19:54:00.000-08:00

Tin Foil - you are absolutely right...there needs to be less boring and more snappy.

So I need to get my game face on...and here are some inspirations for me to bring my A Game.

First off...one of my first loves HOCKEY. Can you guess my favourite part?

Also, I was reminded today of a conversation I had with my brother early last week and in it I mentioned how proud I am to be Canadian and suddenly...without prompting we both started quoting SIMULTANEOUSLY ....THIS! It really made us both laugh.

And finally...to get myself all pumped up and ready to embrace the Fabulousness, I am brushing this off and will Celebrate keeping off all the drama.

Onwards! Upwards! Hoorah!!!!

Put the crack pipe down and step away from your keyboard.

2008-02-04T19:08:00.000-08:00

C- please. How could I publish a comment that was obviously written when you were high?? (spelling, grammar and the blatant no-no of using proper names tsk tsk).

I'd love it if you could just for one minute think before you go off typing. Just this once?? Please?

I'm not going to lecture you about pots and kettles and where they lie side by side in the grand colour scheme of things. I'm also not going to point out the many times you've been the instigator of gossip and half truths.

What I'd like for you is to stop smokin' the crack and for you to stop going off without all the facts. You will never win a Pulitzer prize for journalism if you keep glossing over some facts and misinterpreting others.

Valorie admitted that she believed the Vexation post to be about her (The whole V - V thing y'know). We spoke about it today as I'm sure you are aware. I never named the Vexation so for you to "know" who it's about...well...I am sure your job at the psychic hot line is fascinating! Please pass on my regards to JoJo.

Seriously. This has never been about you so I'm not so sure why you're so concerned with it.
If my posts bother you so much why do you read them? I display my feelings on here...as they are happening. Some are positive, some are negative and other still are simply silly.

This part of your rant really confused me"
"Also, dont think I dont know that you made some really shitty comments about ME thinking that dumb vexation post would be about Mme. YOU ARE VAIN if you think thati feel like I am a part of your life enough to warrant a post like that."

I never once said that you were the Vexation, never once named that person, never once told anyone that you're "Vexing"...you aren't even a blimp on my social radar for how is it that you could vex me without even interacting with me at all?? THIS is what I'm talking about!! By just taking a moment to think rationally about something you can avoid the embarrassment of ASSUMING! Don't go posting comments without thinking about it first. I'm not sure why anyone would say such erroneous things to you ...unless it was to see you over-react in your usual manner - and you didn't disappoint.

Anyway, I would have posted all of your misguided comments had you not disobeyed the only rule I truly have for this blog...No. Real. Names.

Not sure what I did to completely offend you...don't really care either. Like I mentioned the Vexation post...if you don't have the courage to step forward about something that bothers you...you don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to chopping someone off at the knees.

Bravery...let me explain it to you.

2008-02-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

So I have decided to remove the right for anonymous comments on my blog. The reason being that I am always very open about my feelings and thoughts on here - regardless of how I may be judged because of them - yet the anonymous posts on here just sort of piss me off.

If you can't be arsed to be brave and be accountable for your own comments...I can't be arsed to have them. Seriously.

I am also forced to remind my readers once more that this blog is half truths and half fiction and I don't feel obliged to disclose which story/event is which. You may just choose to read or not read as you see fit. This isn't something I'm forcing on anyone...there is no gun to your head.

I heard through the grape vine that Valorie thought the post about the Vexation That Shall Not Be Named was about her...and to that all I can say is "that made me laugh". Literally. I laughed out loud long and hard. Y'see...I do change the names of people to 'protect' them in some manner...but I had already named Valorie in my "Fuck You Plato" post. It's true I use the first letter of the 'real' name as the start of the fictional name...but I don't give people 2 names and I don't name them when I say I'm not going to name them. Savvy?

If I were to talk about Valorie then I would say "Valorie this " or "Valorie that". Also, what further surprised me was that I was pretty clear that the VTSNBN was acting very strangely towards me...IF Valorie was behaving strangely towards me then I simply didn't notice. We don't really talk that much y'see...so it would be easy for me to NOT notice if she was purposely being belligerent or childish around me.

In any event...I am firm in my decision. If you want to leave a comment then by all means...own your comment and be brave enough to have a name...else it's just more random crap...as some of my posts are just random crap too.

The In-Between Girl

2008-02-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

It's like phriggin' deja did! Seriously...what is up with men who just want you to be their In Between Girl?

They want to hang out, they want to have sex, they want to essentially date you...but they only want to do that for a predetermined amount of time (unbeknownst to you of course).

I guess I should be quite thankful that I have a very inexperienced Playah trying to finagle me into the In Between Girl role. He has pretty much laid it all out in the open and just thought it was quite odd that I looked at him as if he suddenly grew a 2nd head and said a flat out, emphatic and unmistakable "NO FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!".

I believe that I have been the In Between Girl before...I didn't like it. I also think I might have posted about it before.

Now I'm not kidding myself here...I know I'm not quite up to 'Relationship Time'...but some casual dating would be nice. And maybe it's just because *I* am not the one thinking "this will just be temporary" that I object to this whole notion of "In Between".

I am honestly not quite sure what the difference is between my idea of 'casual dating' and Riley's "In Between Girl" is...except that when I say casual dating I guess I don't think that I KNOW there is an end...but I am not SURE if there is a long term future. With Riley, he KNOWS where his long term is...his ex fiancee... He KNOWS they are getting back together. He KNOWS that all he really wants is to have sex with a few other women before he marries his ex.

He keeps saying he's afraid of not having sex with someone else. He's been with his ex since he was 17. SEVENTEEN!!!! MY GOD!!! And he keeps referring to it as "onegina" Oh how clever...using the number and trying to use part of the word vagina in there. Nice. Onegina...yes...clever. It's not that easy to combine a number and some part of dick or prick or cock or penis. Especially penis!!! Because the plural of penis is not penis...but penises...and that's a lot harder to be clever with.

Now don't get me wrong...I don't believe that anyone should just settle after their first experience. But c'mon I think we all know that it's extremely rare that someone survives a relationship with ONE person for that long. At 17 you are just figuring yourself out. Hell...by your mid 20's you are STILL figuring out who you are.

Or maybe it's just me that has only just sort of NOW figured myself out. Maybe I really am a late bloomer in so many ways.

Anyhoooo. I am probably blowing this all out of proportion as per usual. I thought...I guess I just sort of hoped in vain that perhaps...perhaps just this once, that I could get what *I* wanted when *I* wanted it without compromise!

Sure...I could carry on with Riley...have more fantastic sweaty all night sex...and then when his ex comes back into town he can put me aside and have the engagement ring that is currently in his EAR (yes, he had the stone converted into an earing that he's wearing) BACK into a 18k white gold ring for her... But really...why would I even bother to waste my time??

The sex...almost, but not quite worth it. I mean...ok....so it's fucking (literally) amazing...but pretty soon I'll get emotionally attached and then very soon after THAT he will get more and more emotionally distant...and then my resentment would really blossom into something even *I* would despise.

*sigh* Best to nip this one in the bud I think.

On a different note - I promised more on the monkey sphere. And you may read allll about it
here

Vexation thy name is

2008-01-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

I will not name the Vexation. It will be "Vexation who shall not be named". I shall only refer to this person as Vexation so as to not give them too much credit.

I am so tired of NOT being confronted with the imagined wrongs I've done. Instead what I've noticed is that somehow, someway, I have 'wronged' someone without even knowing it...and then there is this strange behaviour that seeps from them. I'd like to think that perhaps it was just an off day for the Vexation that shall not be named, but the sad truth is that it' more noticeable when they are NOT in a bad mood. It's like they are a professional Disgruntler...without the paycheck to show for it.

It would be one thing if this person were actually PAID to be in a bad mood 360/365 days. I can't remember the last time this person actually had a genuine SMILE on their face. All smiles are forced...no teeth showing. I always find something suspicious in people who don't smile with their teeth. The same goes for people who cover their mouths with their hands when they smile or laugh - I feel it's because they are hiding something - too afraid to be themselves, too afraid someone might gleam some insight into their souls/personalities.

I guess in this case, if you are a toxic human being then by all means- PLEASE cover up! I would hate for all that negativity to escape out into the world...running rampant down the streets scaring the elderly and scarring young children.

The fact that I am spewing venom right now is not lost on me...I'm frustrated, angry and feel the need to vent in the best way I know how. Also, in an attempt to not become toxic myself I have refrained from naming the Vexation that Shall Not Be Named -lest my venting turns into some sort of violent exchange in the future. (I fear the the VTSNBN is one twitch away from having a complete Falling Down)

I am wondering what will transpire the next time I will be face to face with this person. It's an unhappy happening that we have a smattering of mutual friends (though I use that word fairly loosely in some cases).

For my part I know that I will smile (with teeth in case you were wondering) and I will be polite. I will wait for a cue as to how to conduct myself in the public setting. I feel the need to take this person away and confront them on their exceptionally odd behaviour, however, there is also a large part of me that believes I could be free - I could be actually carrying out a task I have set for myself. To rid myself of all the negative garbage in my life.

Oh - speaking of getting rid of - I am single once more and am actually quite happy about it. I know it seems like I go through mood swings with this - but I suppose that is the way things are with me.

I have a new hair do (of COURSE!) and I'm struttin' around like...well...like the fantastic woman that I am! I have finally come to know who I am and what I want - it's an amazing! The BEST part of it all...I seem to be getting quite a bit of attention lately from different men around my 'hood'.

First off - Angelous and Bradford have noticed I carry myself differently. My shoulders are back, my head is up and I am nearly always smiling, Secondly, the 7:32AM Dog Walker has (after 8 months) started to smile and say 'G'mornin'" to me. Also, Banker Man has held the door open for me no less than 4 times in the last 10 days and today he 'sniffed' me and said in his delicious Irish accent that I smelled 'gorgeous'.

So perhaps there is something to not allowing the Negative Nelly's/Nevil's to hang around in my monkeysphere.

I shall post more on the monkeysphere another day.

Sooo VTSNBN - I will not allow you to bring me down. If I happen to see you amongst my cherished monkeys I will simply allow you to 'be' but not allow you to 'effect'.

*wow* I feel so much better!

Vexation be gone!!

Fuck you Plato

2007-11-14T21:13:00.000-08:00

I'm going to just take a wild guess and assume that Plato was gay...or at the very least he teetered on the homosexual end of bisexuality.

The reason I am feeling so hostile towards the father of Platonic relationships is that clearly Plato had no women in his life who were just his friends. Not really. I speculate that IF in fact he was cordially acquainted with women, he did not consider them his equal and therefore, the friendship was likely slanted in the same matter as that of the Leaning Tower of Pisa is thought of to have a wee bit of a lilt. Furthermore, I'm guessing that in Plato's patriarchal society the idea that men and women could 'just be friends' probably seemed as natural as a Spartan farming. Oh sure it's possible, but would Octavious really get to know Portia's brain and would the Spartan's figs be hand plucked from the tree or hacked off with a sword?

I am also reminded of Billy Crystal's speech in "When Harry Met Sally" about how men and women can't just be friends and he gives a variety of reasons about sexual tension, attraction and jealousy. There is always someone who is lustful towards the other person or some such thing like that.

What I have recently encountered is that one of my treasured male platonic friends has been believing the erroneous dream that I was lusting after him. I know...seems so strange even when I type it out.

Let me give you some history here. It's true that about 2 years ago I had a crush on Leroy - he's witty and handsome and pretty much a good guy. But he was dating a friend of mine at the time so naturally I had to push my feelings aside. Then a funny thing happened. While he was still dating my friend, I found out that Leroy - who had always been very vocal about NOT wanting to have kids- had taken that belief to the ultimate extreme and underwent a vasectomy.

Now I'm not sure if I made myself completely clear about my views, desires and in fact NEED to have a family of my own. Babies have been much on my mind over the last year or so as I am acutely aware that I am in fact getting on in age and that if I want to have a child (or two??) then I need to be planning for this in the next 2-3 years if only for my own health (both mental and physical). This is such a huge issue for me, such a major 'deal breaker' that upon hearing the news that Leroy had been snipped...my side line crush got totally sacked!

That is not to say that I stopped caring about Leroy altogether nor did his sudden single status change my feelings for him. In fact, in the first few months of his singleness our friendship grew closer and I came to think of him as much like one of my older brothers - though perhaps a bit more open minded than both of my brothers. Someone with whom I could discuss relationship stuffs, sex issues and work happenings with very little fear of judgment.

The funny things about knowing friends and getting closer to them, is that sometimes, just sometimes, you see their 'fatal character flaw' and accept them despite of it. Leroy's fatal flaw is any beautiful woman. Any at all. This includes needy women, psycho women, slutty women but most especially if all of these elements culminate into one 5ft7 curvy uber psycho needy slutty woman. (did I mention she's needy?)

So yes, I let him put his hand on the element of life and get burned by it (her). And then there is only so much you can take when you have to watch your friends fling themselves again and again upon the same burning element.

Now I will say this. I made a mistake. A case of mistaken identity which I take full responsibility for. However, having said that, I should have realized that when faced with a fatal flaw, it would have been better to just watch the drama unfold rather than become embroiled in it. So yes, I made a mistake. I mentioned to Leroy that this new 5ft7 curvy psycho needy slutty (single mum) woman was a gold-digging man eater who's only appetite for self preservation would be satiated upon landing a man who can keep her in the manner to which she had been dreaming of since she was a little girl. Someone who would not only take care of her every need, but also that of her infant daughter as well.

Of course, when given this information for me, who was always on the 'bro's before ho's ' train Leroy took my warning and cut her out of his life. Fine. That is until the aforementioned 5ft7 curvy psycho skanky single mum decided to give one more kick at the Leroy can. After weeks of incommunicado...Leroy gives in to the pleading (needful) requests of his latest fatal flaw.

It turns out that my advice was based on false information - a mistake - confusing one person and their comments for that of the fatal flaw. Leroy goes to great lengths to prove the innocence of the 5ft7 curvy psycho skanky single mum and decides that I am a lying conniving love-sick bitch.

Should I have just let my friend make his own mistakes? YES.
Did I make a mistake? YES
Was it an intentional lie? NO

Now...I'm a very outgoing kinda gal. I am free with my emotions which have gotten me into more trouble that I can count. I'm the first to offer a hug and even freer with compliments and in recent years I have learned to tell the people I love just that "I love you".

Now the funny thing about saying "I love you" to someone is that it's always interpreted by the person who hears it and it might not always match what the person who said it meant.

When I would say to Leroy (on more than 1 occasion and admittedly most of them involved alcohol or us having a heart to heart about life) I meant it in a platonic way. I never qualified my emotional statement, I didn't feel I had to.

Leroy had spent many nights in my bed sleeping soundly (and sometimes quite noisily) beside me and I never once so much as kissed the man! We cuddled as much as I would cuddle with any of my girlfriends or close guy friends, but it was never sexual...at least I never once felt sexual tension.

The one time our lips DID meet it was HIM leaning over to kiss ME...and then drunkenly slurred a "good night Valorie" ...which was CLEARLY not me and most CERTAINLY his ex girlfriend.

Sooo....back to the topic.

I'm hurt, our friendship seems to be quite strained and I am being far too pig-headed to try to apologize AGAIN for this. I had already extended the olive branch TWICE and was rebuked with spiteful nasty emails.

So, again, Fuck You Plato. You never once had a girl who was just your friend and equal.

Though I do forgive you if only for your Army of Lovers concept...YES to gays in the military!!

Tsk Tsk Simone

2007-11-06T15:24:00.001-08:00

This will be very brief and probably not written very well but I'm just reacting here.

I may have mentioned that Simone no longer works for the company I work for - she chose to leave us 3 days before our major festival and basically left us in the lurch - something that I thought went against her character but apparently not.

Anywayyyyy. I have recently returned from a trade show in Alberta and in going through all the items I picked up along the way I see the brochure from our competitor with Simone's smiling face on it. On the back of their one page brochure are a list of comments from their satisfied customers. I nearly fell off my chair when I read one comment from one of Simone's most decidedly 'satisfied' client - the teacher she had an extra marital affair with during her employment with my company.

Now Simone was single at the time of the affair but KNEW that the teacher was married and ACTIVELY pursued this teacher. I find it amusing now that the teacher still books with her...I wonder if they still carry on their affair and if that is part of the booking privileges with her new company. I can see the slogan now "ET&T - our agents will sleep with you to get the booking!" Is this only limited to men or does their loosely hinged moral door swing both ways?

Is the teacher too afraid to NOT book with her now? What would the consequences be for him? Would she tell his wife how she stole over to Victoria for a clandestine evening on wine, jazz and illicit behaviour? How about the time he; under the guise of a teacher's workshop, came over to the mainland and Simone called in sick to spend th day with him? Is his booking with her mean he's succumbing to some sort of extortion? Was there a whispered conversation between them wherein Simone hissed "Book with ET&T or I'll air your dirty laundry to your wife, your school and your kids!"

Am I too precariously perched on my moral high horse? I guess only if you consider the commitment between 2 people who are married to be frivolous and inconsequential. Tsk Tsk Simone - shame on you.

I'm speechless...

2007-08-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

Check THIS site out. I think I am inspired!

I am considering signing up for Burlesque Dance lessons....they are $350.00 and it's only 8 classes...but I get a costume and a show and hair and make up lessons with it. I am *thinking* about it but it does seem cost prohibitive.

I am also thinking about my next hair do - I might get a fringe again...I'd like to be a 40's pin up girl.

My stomach hurts - I had a salad with beef strips in it (well cooked) but somehow my tummy is protesting. *sigh*

Gym day tomorrow and I am happy about that.

Sooo disconnected in my thoughts tonight.

Albatross

2007-08-27T21:59:00.001-07:00

That's right...I've finally said it. I have been neglecting The Single Files mostly because it has felt like a great big phreakin' giant albatross.

Time to suck it up.

My dating life in the last 4 months has totally sucked but I think it's because I wasn't expecting anything great from it. I have recently learned that YES...you DO get back what you put into things.

I have made a conscious decision to start making POSITIVE things happen in all areas of my life. This means trying to make some time every night to blog - and it doesn't have to be about dating...I think that was a huge part of me not writing anything...I felt obliged to write only about love/dating related topics. Screw that...I can write what I want to! There are no more rules.

Having said that, I will try to maintain well formed sentences, grammar and spelling though we all know how lazy I am with spell check. I still have no idea why my spelling is so poor when I read so much...maybe I should be writing more as well.

Today I finally got my Learner's permit so the driving will begin fairly soon. I hope to be fully in License mode by my birthday in OCT but we'll see how that goes.

Sometimes getting back to basics means starting all over - and that is a good thing. Build a good foundation and the rest of the structure will be sound as well.

Right...off to bed with a good book for me.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!
me

Mr Big Baby Boy

2007-06-14T21:31:00.000-07:00

Blah blah blah Ted broke up with me blah blah blah he's still not deciding where his life is going blah blah blah.

teehee

Ok. So it isn't as bad as all that. Yes Ted broke up with me (well, technically my table cloth as he didn't have the balls to look me in the eye) but honestly...it failed to phase me. There were some things that I just didn't think we could get past.

1) His complete lack of interests in sports. I'm not a jock, but I do love hockey and play softball and love to hike and camp and generally be outside and get dirty. Ted...not so much. He's more of a movie dude, music dude, art dude and general inside boy.

2) He's a boy. Let's not confuse this issue with gender. Sure he has a penis (and yes, that is where the initial Mr. Big came from - too big though and I'll go into that more later) but there is a difference between being a MAN at the age of 32 and being a BOY at the age of 32. Ted was most definitely a boy. I appreciate where it's important to keep childlike wonders of some things, but there must be a time when you must also recognize that at 32 you ought to be grown up.

3) Mr. Big was indeed TOO big. I know you're not really supposed to talk about the cock your with or even the details of the one you've just been with...but YIKES!!!! Length wasn't the issue...the girth of the thing made me shudder upon my first glimpse. The first time (out of 3 times) we attempted to have sex I had to be talked into it. "Babies come out of there...it's OK" was the tag line of the night. Sure some women really get into huge cocks...but oh my goodness. There is big and then there is the 'my fingers can't touch when I try to encircle it' big. I enjoy the feeling of being "full" but this was more like being stuffed...and not in a way that actually 'fit'.

Don't let the above fool you though...I am suffering from PMS so this is probably coming off a bit harsher than I actually feel about it. I would like to share with you the funny way in which he decided to break up with me though.

The night before The Breakup we had gone to a CD release party for a friend of mine's Salsa band Tanga. The night was hot and not just with the fabulous music...the place was SWELTERING and we had some Salsa Dance lessons plus were just dancing to the music on our own too. It was then that he brought up my impending trip to Cuba.

Because Ted had been very affectionate with me, bought me a small and thoughtful gift earlier in the night and treated me to a very yummy dinner I thought this was his way of bringingn it up to invite himself along on my trip. So naturally I laid out my travel plans and invited him along. He seemed fairly enthusiastic and said he'd look into making that happen.

The night progressed and I did mention to him that I was worried about asking him to Cuba as it does seem a bit forward at this early stage of our dating. He replied with "You can't get rid of me that easily" - remember this statement...it's important later.

Sooo. The night comes to a close and I decide I want to go home (I never could relax and actually SLEEP while Ted was in my bed...or when I was in his...no sleep was to be had). He tells me he was going out with 'the guys' on Friday (which I thought was odd cuz he hardly has any guy friends from what he told me) and I was happy he was doing that so that I could have a much needed ME night. We confirmed our date for Saturday and then we both went to our respective homes.

The next day was Friday and it was SOOO GORGEOUS outside that I decided to screw having a ME night and instead go out with the girls from work and Fi and just enjoy the sun with some bevvies. At around 7:30PM I get a call from Ted asking "where are you??"

I laughed and said I was out and why wasn't he out with the guys? He said that his guy night was postponed and wondered what time I was going to be home. I was not wanting to go home too early...I was having girly time and didn't want to end it prematurely to see him - after all I saw him the night before and was planning on seeing him the night after. I told him I could be home between 9:30 -10PM and he asked if he could call me then. I gave my consent and went back to chatting with Fi.

At 9:30PM Fi drives me home and asks if she could come up to check her emails. Why not? So we drive around but there is no place to park. Fi said that she'd give it a miss and just go home. No biggie. I go up to my apartment, go to the bathroom, turn my computer on and then write out my rent check. I get some laundry together and am about to head down to throw a load in the machine when my buzzer rings. I have been home MAYBE 6 minutes. I naturally think it's Fi who has found a spot and will come up to check her emails after all. This was not the case.

It was Ted and he sounded desperate "Hey Kwerkie, it's Ted, let me up".

Ummm...Ok.

So I buzzed him up and he appears at my door all sweaty and in the EXACT SAME CLOTHES that he wore the previous night. Now remember...it was hot in the place we were in and we were both dancing and he is a very sweaty guy...so I was immediately thinking YIKES! YUCK!

He excuses his clothing by saying he didn't sleep at all the night before and has finally figured out why he hasn't been sleeping and he must talk to me immediately. I got the 'break up' vibe from him so I said "Oh no, that's ok. You'd like to break up and I'm ok with that".

But he felt that he needed to explain.

He said he wasn't sure where his life was going, he might move up north to Prince George, he doesn't know if he wants to have kids, he's only a boy, he's still very young and I"m so much older than he is" (note, I am only 6 months older than he is).

Anyway... Ted is a very nice guy there is no doubt about that. I don't know if the PG thing was a truth or a convenient excuse...the whole speech went along the 'it's not you it's me' theme but the funny thing is...I KNOW it's not me. He never once looked me in the eye to say anything except the initial "you are a really great person" part. Everything that followed was said to my new fancy green table cloth.

Was I too keen? Maybe, but there was always a level of caution for me. I wasn't the one saying things like "you'll have to help me celebrate my birthday next year", and "at Christmas you'll have to partake in (insert sundry family tradition here)." These were things that HE was saying in the first 3 weeks we were dating.

I listened to him talk and my responses were all "Ok" and "That's alright" and I didn't get upset at all nor did I counter him in any way and when he suddenly farted (yuck) and then got up to go -he hugged me sweatily and awkwardly and then tried to put his shoes on. I said "I'll walk you down, I have to pay my rent anyway."

In truth I just wanted him to suffer a tiny bit more in the awkwardness he was enveloped in because I was pretty sure he saw me come home...and that wigged me out a bit. I wasn't feeling weird about the actual breakup at all, it was simply time to end this and I was pleased he did it before I did. We get down to the lobby and he asked for one more hug which I granted him.

Then I started to giggle.

Ted: "Why are you laughing?" He seemed horrified!

I just couldn't help myself - I told him the truth!

Kwekie "Umm (giggle) I"m laughing because yesterday when I told you that I was worried about asking you to Cuba because you might have thought I was planning too far ahead (giggle) and you said that you didn't think that and that I couldn't get rid of you that easily (giggle)...well...apparently I can! "

Then I laughed some more, he turned red in the face, looked a bit embarrassed and turned to leave. He then turned back and said "maybe in a few months if you felt like calling...." to which I quickly interrupted him and said "No, that won't be happening, but you take good care."

I wasn't sarcastic and I was trying to be kind to him as he was clearly going through a rough time. What bothered me the MOST about the whole thing was this tiny fact that the astute reader may or may not have picked up on.

Ted called me at 7 30PM asking where I was because...he was actually calling from a PAY PHONE located 3 blocks from my house. He had been in my neighbourhood waiting for me to come home since 5pm. This is why he knew to buzz me so quickly after I got home...he was down the block and SAW me come home. The guy waited approximately FIVE HOURS outside my door to break up with me. Stalkerish and very creepy.

Ah well...moving on.

NEXT!

My very own Mr. Big

2007-05-21T12:58:00.000-07:00

So yes...all was quiet on the Kwerkie front for a while and that is because I was keeping Mr. Big on the down low for a while. I wanted to be sure that I wasn't just spouting off about another one of my short term dating dudes and thought better to introduce you to him once I was sure that things would be more than just 2 weeks or so.

Mr Big is not the same Mr. Big as one might expect from the popular show "Sex & The City". My Mr. Big has his name from his Big Heart, his Big Brain, his Big Frame (6ft 2 and body of a Rugby player) and mostly because of his Big Sense of Humour! Still, I can't keep calling him Mr. Big...I shall name him Ted.

Ted is totally different from 90% of the guys I've dated. Firstly, he's 6 months younger than I am and I do tend to date older men. Secondly, he's never been married, no kids and lately I had been dating guys who were either separated/divorced and who had kids. Thirdly, he's not a sporty guy but more of a culture guy and he knows more about various movies and music than dare I even say...Malcolm the Eye Guy!!! (and that is a hard act to follow in that regard).

After a few weeks of off and on seeing each other due to both our seriously hectic schedules, I wasn't too sure if Ted was actually into me. At the beginning of our dating he said a few things that were very 'futuristic' in that he was talking about us being together for a long haul which both excited me and made me a bit nervous. Then he seemed to really pull back and be more cavalier. On Friday when we had a much over due date after over a week of not seeing each other, we had a nice heart to heart about 'us'. I am not a once a week girlfriend. I like to get to know the guy I'm dating and I find that hard to do with only 1 out of 7 days to do that in. We agreed to begin the sharing parts of our lives - opening up the windows of our social circles to each other and see how things go from there.

So the beginning of that was a Games Night over at Russ's place just the previous Saturday. It went much better than I had hoped though I was aware of being a bit goofier and louder than perhaps normal (perhaps). At the Games Night was Russ and April (Russ's Girlfriend), Rhia and her boyfriend Ben and Rhia's daughter Kerry, Angela and Monique. I have a LOT of time for these people and they are what I would call 'my keepers' plus they are the most calm/normal of my friends so it was a natural choice to introduce Ted to these folks. (I admit I don't know Angela well and am, in fact, scared of her...but the rest are awesome).

The night was fun and light hearted and even seeing how Ted made sure to include Kerry in the conversations endeared him to me even more. He seemed to gel very well with my friends and even won the cut throat game of Pictionary that we played. After the game we had a great time chit chatting. Ted told great stories and was quick with witty comments here and there. After the games and stories were over Monique gave Ted and I a ride back to Ted's place where I spent the night.

After a short game of Lego-star wars we went to bed and chatted and cuddled and it was lovely. Yes, we've had sex in the past, but it wasn't on the menu on Sat night mostly due to my cramps and his head ache. It was just nice to cuddle and be quiet with each other. I'm actually going to be shy on the details of our sex life mostly because I like this guy...and have been feeling like the things I have already shared with my girlfriends have somehow betrayed him so I will keep the very private things private unless asking for advice.

I'll try to keep you posted on how things are going...but for now I will leave you with this. I am dating a very nice guy and I am feeling very good about the potential for Big Things. Even if this ends in friendship, I am already ahead of the game here - Ted is simply someone who is genuine, caring and I always feel good in his very presence.

Let's play ball!

2007-04-08T19:11:00.000-07:00

So Softball season is upon us and I have indeed joined 2 teams. I am only slightly concerned about my 2nd team as they are sooo farrrrr away and I am sans vehicle in which to travel to/from the games. However, I am fairly confident that if the games are in the afternoon (and 90% of them are) then I will have plenty of time on a Sunday to get out there.

Also, if I ask nicely, I may even be able to hook up with a fellow player somewhere along a skytrain or other handy transit route. I am bound and determined to make both teams happen for me as I really like being outside AND...I really like softball.

I should probably thank the Nasty Anonymous poster for bringing The Single Files once more to the surface - though I'm not feeling *too* generous as the comments were pretty crappy. Here's hoping she stayed around for the geography lesson.

In other news, one of my monkeys had his 2nd birthday on Friday. Alexander was such a happy little boy -he knew it was his party and he was so sociable, I was so impressed. Also impressive was that I was there all day amongst many toddlers/babies including a 6 week old new born and I was fine! I didn't melt down or cry or anything of that sort. I was perfectly happy cuddling and playing and just hanging with the little peeps. It was tres cool.

I made it out to the Girly Luncheon on Friday as well and saw a few of my keepers and survived the rest of the pollen. I have to really thank Sheilagh for that saying - too phreaking funny. People whom I am not that close with are like pollen, I don't have a problem with them per se, but they make some other people rather uncomfortable. mwahwhahha. Pollen. *chuckle*

Ok...off to yoga! More soon!

In the Public Eye Ayeyayaye!

2007-04-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

One last kick at the Kwerkie eh Anonymous? So brave of you to come out of hiding and identify yourself - way to have a backbone there. I guess you must feel fairly clever despite being cowardly.

Sure, I'll keep your recent comments - why not? If you are the same Anonymous from the past 2 nasty comments (and I believe you are) then I guess this just further exposes you as a small and petty person.

I'm also curious about your comment "exposed as a fraud". I'd like to see how - have you bothered to READ the disclaimer? I'm guessing in all your fervent attempt to find nasty things to say about my posts you may have missed it. This is just one more example of you going off half cocked without doing the proper research.

Thank you for the spelling correction though - Reggaeton - I'll change that soon. Spelling is most certainly not my forte and I have been lazy with the spell checker.

And while we're on the subject of Reggaeton, here is yet another indication of your own ignorance. So, your education continues today with a lesson about LATIN AMERICA.

LATIN AMERICA refers to any countries within the Americas (North, South and - gasp- CENTRAL) where those languages derived from Latin, predominantly Spanish and Portuguese, but strictly also French — are officially or primarily spoken. Latin America is distinct from Anglo-America, a region of the Americas where English predominates.

And just to clear up any confusion -here is the definition of Reggaeton: Reggaeton blends Jamaican music influences of reggae and dancehall with those of Latin America, such as bomba and plena, as well as that of hip hop. (there's more to it but you get the point I'm making here).

I would hardly call wanting to delete negative and rather meaningless comments a Bushism -you are entitled to your opinion and this blog is hardly anything more significant than my own entertainment so why can't I limit it to only positive comments and other items? No one needs to read your negative tripe any more than they need to read my postings - but I'd like to keep it as happy a place as possible and clearly your sort of comments/behaviors don't fit in with a happy and fun place.

Hopefully you haven't moved on so quickly that you can't take some of this with you.
Best wishes to you Nasty Anonymous.

P.S. - nice IP address

Walking papers delivered.

2007-04-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

I did leave a comment in the previous post - a retort if you will to yet another "Anonymous" post but I thought I might just make this bolder statement.

If it's so painful for you dear "Anonymous" to read my posts and to hear about my experiences in whatever form they take then let me give you this golden nugget of advice - stop reading. Wouldn't that make the most sense? If it displeases you so much, why torture yourself with it?

Perhaps what fills your life with pleasure is to be mean spirited to people behind a guise so you are never having to face the full consequences of your actions/words. Perhaps you are so petty that being spiteful is the only way you actually feel something - anything - at all. I hope that this isn't true. I hope that you have a wonderful life filled with many moments of happiness that no one ever deems it necessary to point out your flaws or judge you without full knowledge of any one given situation or spout off about topics they honestly have no clue about.

I invite you to leave dear "Anonymous" so that my blog no longer effects you in any way and you can go about your own life as peacefully as you can.

Stay if you must "Anonymous" , but I will from here on in be deleting any more noxious comments left by "Anonymous" or indeed anyone else for that matter.

There are so many positive things happening in my life in the last week or so that I have decided not to make any room at all for negativity - be that as 'small' as comments on my blog to as 'large' as removing negative people in my life.

So take your walking papers and hold you head up high "Anonymous" - I don't wish you any harm, in fact, I wish you well.

Self indulgence boots

2007-04-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

So I recently received an anonymous posting saying...well.. that my blog was shit basically. I laughed when I read it -how typical of someone who has something unpleasant to say to hide behind anonymity.

Of COURSE this is self indulgent! My goodness...what other purpose does this serve if only to entertain ME and let ME brag or complain or do anything at all that relates to MY self. I shake my head at the ignorance of many.

Is it poorly written? meh...probably in large parts.

Stick to my day job? Absolutely. Let's review the goodness of my job right now.

1) Raise #2 for the year coming my way in T minus 3 days.

2) Now at 5 weeks PAID holidays

3) Escorting 4 groups a year including but not limited to such fabulous destinations as: Costa Rica (just got back), Germany/Austria (July), Montreal (April) and Cuba in August for reconnaissance mission and then escorting one of my groups in April 2008 to Cuba.

I haven't even finished my groups for 2007 and I already have 3 international groups on the go for 2008! Deposits in and everything! The board is so full of 2007 stuffs that I can't even put up my 08 groups yet. Ah well...all in good time.

The comment just smacks of someone who needs to criticize someone else to make themselves feel better.

So go ahead Anonymous - shit all over my blog if that's what gets you through the day. It makes no never mind to me!

The Long Dark Tea Time of my Soul

2007-03-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, I've been remiss in posting. Basically my energy in the last month has been spent getting up, going to work and just getting through one very long day after another.

I remember reading the Douglas Adams "The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul" and have always loved the title but never really understood it until I have had my own Mad Hatter party in the darkest corner of my very own being.

I really struggled with the death of Taliesin - blaming myself for not looking after him properly and wondering what sort of mother does this make me?

Since then I have had long sit downs with myself and just really had some serious chats with my inner child, my inner bitch and my inner goddess. It was quite the month of chats really - sometimes all 3 of my inner people seemed to be present in one day! Don't be alarmed, no one will be calling me Cybill any time soon.

The sun is out so that is helping my mood and....SOFTBALL season is upon us!

Two teams, 1 base...ahhhh the smell of leather and dirt under my nails again...weeeee

I am toying with the idea of moving - Mount Pleasant is next on the list of places I think - it's very bohemian and I dig that a lot.

So short...but I have to get to the gym.

Next on the list...a phone call to Lady K

A Sad Goodbye

2007-02-27T22:11:00.000-08:00

I have been overwhelmed as of late and I know I haven't posted - things are getting a bit too much away from me and I have needed some time to get myself together again.

It was with a very sad and heavy heart that I had to come to a heart-breaking decision to put Mr. Taliesin down.

This is the hardest thing I have done yet.

Two Sundays ago around 7PM I noticed Taliesin straining as he was trying to go pee and then he let out a heart breaking yowl and I knew what the problem was.

He had a blockage in his urethra- likely crystals that were packed up in his bladder and clogging him so that he couldn't pee at all. This happened about 6 years ago and I was able at that time, to spend the $1000.00 to get him well. Emergency surgery and 4 days of boarding at the vet's was very pricey but I was able to take out a loan and pay for the treatment.

This time, there was no way I could extend my credit on such short notice and so it was with a very heavy heart that I had to say goodbye to my furry friend of 10 years. I headed to the SPCA for when they opened.

I am heartbroken.

My friend Jordi had this to say about it which is so apropos I had to share.

It is a hard decision to make to put a treasured pet down. They are your love and companion and best friend, listener and licker of tears. They are the only one who really understands when you feel like crap and they are the one that sleeps by your side - even when they are mad at you for going out all night or away for the weekend. They are often the one you scoop up and squeeze for a little love when everything else feels dull and lifeless.

What an experience.

I can't say enough good things about the people at the BCSPCA Animal Hospital. They could barely understand me through my sobbing but were very kind and very patient.

It was tough, but I do believe it was the best decision considering the severity of the situation. By the time I got him to the Clinic, Taliesin was going into shock and was yowling and shaking uncontrollably no doubt with fear as much as septic shock.

The cost was going to come in at an unaffordable $1275.00 (including taxes) and I really just couldn't afford it. I had him examined though and was also given a 'poor mans' version which would be around $800.00 but the chances of my older cat being OK with the 'poor man's' version was not likely and the vet was very clear about that.

I had an agonizing hour when I was waiting to hear back from an insurance company whether or not they would extend my coverage/credit and cover the cost of the surgery. Alas, it was not to be.

Taliesin and I parted ways the morning of Feb 19 2007 at 10:45AM. I couldn't bear to be with him when they gave him the needle and I think that we did have a nicer goodbye between us. The last thing I wanted was to see him react to the pain of an needle and then fade away. He even gave me kisses and we held hands (in our fashion) for a while.

My heart is really hurting right now, but they did make it as easy as possible on me.

My apartment is suddenly very large. He had a huge personality and was a really chatty sort of cat - he loved to tell me all about his days of lazing in the sunny spots, sleeping curled up on my pillow, chasing spiders (sometimes real ones, most of the times invisible ones) and he had to tell me every detail of every dream he ever had or could hope to have.

He was my early weather warning system - giving me 2hours of 'heads up' notice for the earthquake back in 1997 and every severe wind storm we've had this year.

Taliesin had a funny habit of doing Gopher Impersonations. I also called it the "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Paws" dance. He would raise up on his hind legs and then pat his two front paws together. He often did this in front of a mirror and checked himself out in a nice side view the whole time. He did this for 10 years and it always, always made me smile and giggle and laugh...every time for 10 years.

He was a wonderful companion and a great comfort and confidant. He knew all my secrets...all of them. I could tell him the ugliest dirtiest secrets and he'd look at me with his large marble eyes, purr deeply and then but heads with me - letting me know that love really is unconditional.

I miss him the most at night. I haven't been able to sleep the whole night through - I miss his snoring and not-so-soft puring.

Rest in peace Mr. Taliesin - I love you and miss you terribly.

Duck Duck GOOSE!

2007-02-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

Sooo...here I am on a Monday night coughing out my lungs. Poor lungs...they need to stay INSIDE. They like it better inside than out that's for sure.

I thought I would share a funny happening from last week. PLUS...stay tuned for the names I've chosen to TAG with the MEME.

I have put myself back up on a dating site to see if I might be able to meet a decent fellow from there and well...y'know - the usual story. I have had quite a few guys email me and I'm weeding out the ones I'm interested in vs the ones that just entertain me for their sheer stoopiditee.

I have had 2 guys email me on the same day and one in particular was pretty good with words (you all know how important that is to me) so we've been in contact for about a week trying to plan a date. Well...The OTHER guy was also emailing me - not so good with words - but seemed fairly interesting.

I was able to make a date with Dude #2 first. TUES at the Vancouver Art Gallery. 7PM.

After a few days of prolific emailing back and forth Dude # 1 agrees to meet me for drinks TUES at a restaurant downtown from 4:45-6:00PM.

Yes...I DOUBLE BOOKED!

Now...before you start throwing rotten tomatoes at me - have a look at the times. YES I made 2 dates in one evening, BUT they were spaced apart and let's be honest here. A first meeting from a dating site is not typically a 4hr + event so I felt totally confident that I could pull off the Double Dipping with little to no consequences.

Dude # 2 from 4:45-6:30PM was ...meh. His personality is like Communism - looks great on paper but doesn't suit me in real life. We had a pleasant enough time and in fact had dinner at this place. He PAID for it all. Weird. I tried to pay for my portion but he wouldn't hear of it! Fine. Thank you very much Mr. Personality (or lack thereof). We walked one block together and then hugged it out without a 'let's do this again' or a 'here's my phone number'. I was totally satisfied with that. Dinner was yummy and the 2 martini's I had went STRAIGHT to my head!

I go back to my office and change into "Casual Art Chick" outfit much like superman. It was awesome. I even was able to rock out a new hair do in less than 5 mins. I applied the "Night Look" for make up and walked up to the Vancouver Art Gallery and arrived 10 mins early for my date with Dude # 1.

I pay my entrance, check my coat and chat with the concierge there warning them of my school group that will be descending on them in T minus 10 days. I then look around the lobby for Dude # 1. No sign of him. I'm not worried...he still has 5 mins to show up.

At 7:05PM I talk to Fiona (thanks baby) and advise her that I will be late for our standing Tues night American Idol msn date. I tell her about my MIA date and she goes on the site to find him....LOGGED ON! Wow. Ok.

Off I go into the Gallery and I check out the exhibits. I meet a very good looking Black Dude named Andre and we chat about some of the photographs we are looking at. The PAINT exhibit didn't do much for me so I zipped through that and then went to the top floor for the Herzog photographs - what I really went there for.

I see a guy that *kinda* looked like Dude #1 but I was sure it wasn't as how could he be logged on to the site only 10 mins before? So I just peruse the pictures myself.

I had a FABULOUS time. I'm a great date!! Plus I didn't have to have any awkward conversations about what the art meant to me etc etc.

I go home and check my POF emails...perhaps he sent me a "oh no, have to cancel" email.

Nope.

And there he was...logged in.

So I send him this: (title) "Stood up? *sniff sniff*
Hi XXXXXX (protected for no other reason than I'm a nice gal)

I waited for you until about 7:10PM and then went inside the Gallery myself. It really was an amazing exhibit and I definitely recommend you check it out. Good luck with your search!
Kwerkie.
***

I got the big UNREAD / DELETE

I couldn't stop laughing!! I wasn't even MEAN! I mean...I could have been all bitchy about being stood up...but the truth is I had a great time walking around there on my own!

Anyhoooo.

Letter this morning from Dude # 2.

Turns out that Dude # 1 and 2 are ....gasp....FRIENDS and they were both pissed that I double booked them. Neither of them are interested in dating a 'double booker'.

I don't think I did anything wrong. Would it have made them feel better if I had scheduled the dates on 2 different days? How was I to know they are friends?

I can't help but just laugh. Tooooo funnnay!

Ok....on to the Tagging.

I tag: Shenanigans, The Biscuit, Earthyartist, Babygirl

I now have to tell these lovelies that they've been tagged. The most HORRIFIC thing I can think of that I have to join phreaking myspace to do this for some of them...and I friggin' hate myspace.

Alrighty.

Now for dinner!

Janey Mac!

2007-02-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

Sooo it's been a while since I've posted and there are millions of things that didn't happen and some other things that did. Namely I went out on 3 dates.

*quickly ducks*

Oh look...it's not like I am in a nunnery!

The dates were good practice. The fella turned out not to be 'that into me', but meh - it was good practice as I said. One thing I did notice was that although I did like him and was slightly disappointed in his disinterest, I didn't take it to heart.

In fact, he kept trying to stroke my ego so that he would let me down easy. At one point I had to just put an end to that and advise him that I know who I am - I'm fabulous. It never occurred to me that I would have the moxie to admit the size of my ego to someone who was trying to crush it. teehee.

So LadyK has sent me a Meme and hear through her that The Goat has expressed displeasure that I have not yet completed the task. Sooo.

Here it is!

RULES: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

Weird intel #1 - I had no idea what a Meme is and though I have looked it up on Wikipedia
I still don't really know what it ACTUALLY is.

Weird intel #2 - I have a bizarre fear of sharks. I can be swimming in a phreaking chlorinated POOL complete with it being INSIDE and with LIFEGUARDS and suddenly I will think "JAWS" and I scramble to get out of the indoor pool of the phreaking Sandman Inn. It can be unbelievably embarrassing - seriously...I move faster out of pools than I do anything else! Fuck you Steven Spielberg, fuck you.

Weird intel #3 -I dream a lot, and I often dream that I'm a man. I have even had sex dreams where I am a man having sex with a woman and that I can actually feel what it must feel like for a man when he first enters a woman - hot, wet, muscles pulling me in. I always wake up before the 'man me' comes. What a rip off.

Weird intel #4 -I have been shit on by various birds (mostly pigeons) FOURTEEN (14) times in my life. I also happen to be fairly lucky. I believe the 2 things are related.

Weird intel #5 - I own more underwear (panties) than is normal. I have 12 matching bra and panty sets approximately 30 briefs, 15 thongs and 3 pairs of boxer shorts (which I only wear when I clean). I also own about 30 different pairs of shoes including, but not limited to, 1 pair of stilettos and 1 pair of thigh high CFM boots.

Weird intel # 6 - I can't eat Oreos anymore. When I was 18yrs old I had mono and the gunk that was in my throat tasted like the insides of an oreo - sickly sweet. I will vomit if you try to make me eat them.

Right! Now I have to choose 6 people to reveal their innermost weirdness!

I have to think about it...I don't know that many people with blogs!
teehee

To err is human, to fogive is devine

2007-01-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

If anyone has bothered to read my last post you may have noticed that there was a comment left by 'Anonymous'.

I am always very curious about the comments left here and I want you to know that I do read each and every one of them and I always hope for one or two witty remarks left by LadyK or even the long lost TinFoiled. Even Aramous has been quiet lately though I suspect he's busy with ideas of wedded bliss (Congrats again Baby!). Carmen (nee Chloe) and V have also not put finger to keyboard on here for a while but that's all OK. It's not about quantity, it's quality.

So when I saw that I had a comment I was all a twitter and though my email advised it was from 'Anonymous' I secretly hoped it was someone NOT so anonymous.

Sooo...can you imagine my bewilderment when I received a comment suggesting I check out another blog? It went something like this:

Kwerkie "OOOOhhhh a comment! WEEEEE"

Comment "Check out www this adddress dot com"

Kwerkie: "Umm...WTF? Ok...thanks for leaving me a comment that was relevant! (sarcasm) pffft. Jerk."

I sat there for a few moments a bit annoyed that the comment was so self gratifying. Of course I KNOW that The Single Files is 100% my own trek into Egoville and I admit I revel in just how indulgent I do become, but it's not like I go around posting on random blogs suggesting they take Fergie's advice and "Check it out".

However, my curiosity got the better of me and I DID check out the web site.

So to you Christine I say 'tut tut' for being so bold as to post your blog on mine without so much as an introduction or comment about anything you may have connected with in my own writing, but I do forgive you.

I forgive you because as I read the few posts you have there I was reminded of an earlier time in The Single Files. I forgive you because of the voracity in which I read every word, how my eyes feasted on metaphors and my brain nearly over-dosed on eloquence. I forgive you because I think it was a gentle reminder to me that I will only get what I put into this, and I can't keep up the road to Dullsville much longer - it's even grating on ME.

So I retract my earlier statement of "Jerk" and instead replace it with 'Inspirer"

Thank you.

And yes...I advise anyone with a pulse to check out The Shut-In - A Novel

Single Minded

2007-01-09T19:14:00.000-08:00

So it's been officially 2 day, 48hrs of being absolutely for real 100% single. I haven't communicated with Mattias in any way shape or form since around noon on Sunday. I am feeling...OK.

I'm not mad or sad. I'm not blue or glum or anything really. It feels...well...it nearly feels like relief. I feel like I can breathe. I feel like I can focus and I think I feel fine.

I'm not talking Jame Brown "I feel Good" but more along the lines of Michael Buble "Feeling Good" Like I can start again, 'it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good.'

I'm not actually thinking of jumping back into the proverbial sea, but I just feel like I can move forward, focus a bit more on work and on my belly dancing classes and basketball games. Baseball sign ups are in 2 months and I can't wait! 2nd base again for me!!! weeee.

So speaking about work - I know that I can't post too much about that on here as I still have a massive ego and think that Simone reads this when she's utterly bored (so yeah, probably not often if at all...but like I said...it's my ego here). But I wanted to share a few things.

I received a Christmas Bonus! I know!!! It's nearly unheard of! My boss has NEVER given out a Christmas Bonus before...and let me just say I am closer and closer to getting out of debt!! He was quite generous! We've even hired one more person - bringing our numbers to SIX! I'm escorting 2 Disney Trips, 1 Costa Rica trip and....here is the kicker...Germany & Austria!! Guten Tag Salzburg!!!

I have worked my ASS off this year and I've really gone well and above the call of duty for work. I think Simone would be sick knowing how many International groups we have on the board this year :( I hope your doing well baby, cuz it's a lot different in the office now.

Anyway...I am feeling some serious FUN TIMES coming on soon. and...NO BOYS!

Deep breath.

I think this Single thing is going to be fun for me for a change.,

To sleep perhaps to dream

2007-01-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

I had the most delicious dream last night. It catered to all of my fantasies of hearth and home and the most surprising part was that my counter part in my dream was Malcolm The Eye Guy - whom I haven't spoken to much in the better part of 2 years!!!

I know that Malcolm is living with his girlfriend and I hope that he is happy and that all is going well for him. Besides all that, despite my interest in him initially, I had no indication from him (or at least no CLEAR indication) that he was interested in me. I do miss our banter though, he always could make me smile at the smallest of things.

I believe that I dreamed about him because something he said to me about a month or so ago has really stuck in my brain.

We were talking about relationships (having just found out that he has a live in girl friend) and I said that I was single (that was the first break up with Mattias). We talked a bit about the concept of marriage and I said that I wasn't sure I could be with someone for years on end as I get bored easily.

Then Malcolm said something very profound that I have not been able to shake. I can't remember the exact wording he used but here was the gist of it. He said that perhaps the reason I am single is that I look at my partner as someone I have to constantly entertain and be entertained by, and that a relationship isn't really like that.

I haven't been able to get this off my mind for long and I think it is a large part of my hemming and hawing over Mattias.

The comfort level with Mattias is huge. We are such great friends that it seems like an odd thing to do to cut myself off from such a confidant, and from someone who shares my humour and who never offends me when he tells me to get my head out of my ass.

However, my dream last night was all about "the ideal". It was a sort of dream that made me really think about what I really want and what I am really doing to get it. Everything in there was what I actually want in a healthy happy relationship. I won't go into the details because a small part of me thinks that perhaps Malcolm The Eye Guy still reads The Single Files once in a blue moon and I don't want him to wig out and wonder if I'm going to stalk him or anything like that.

Let's just say when I woke up I had a big cat stretch, sent Malcolm a huge mental hug and sent him all sorts of happy thoughts and then I felt the need to post. The oddest thing happened too! I haven't seen Malcolm log in to MSN for a while and as I'm typing all this up...he logs in! I tried to say Happy New Year and all that but he didn't respond. Ah well. I do hope that he is well and happy.

New Year, New Beginnings, New New New!

2007-01-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

Well 2007 entered in an unusual way but I have to say, so far I'm keeping all my New Year's resolutions!

I am going to be a bit more free, a bit more open. Oh I know what you are thinking - if I was any more open I'd be inside out! Still, I feel that since I have countless people I actually KNOW reading The Single Files I have been quite a bit guarded with my reports and post less and less for fear of the backlash.

Well guess what? The whole reason I STARTED this thing was to use it as a sort of therapy, to get a new perspective on my love life and to really just entertain myself with the hope of entertaining others as well.

Soooo. Here it is!

Mattias and I continue to do our unique dance of special torture. Soon this will all end. I guess the third time will have to be the charm with this one and I will be stronger...I will just refuse to take his calls. He has a way of talking me right out of my decisions. I have discovered quite to my surprise that he preys on my weakest points and then I end up thinking "I can't do better" which is RIDICULOUS.

He's not divorced from his first wife whom he's been separated from for 15 YEARS! It's been very silly of me to accept any sort of excuse for this. He refuses to get his shit together to work out an decent way to figure out the care of his other 4 kids by his ex of now 2 years. This is not healthy for me. This is just not what I want.

I am happy to say that I will be heading to Calgary for a weekend of wild and debaucherous fun! LadyK is having a birthday and I am going to use my Christmas Bonus to go to Calgary, visit with her and make sure she celebrates in style! I will have to do a bit more research on where to party but I am VERY excited to be seeing her!

I plan on being absolutely care free in Calgary! What ever happens will happen...I am not going to close myself off to anything. We're going to drink some wine, dance a lot and hopefully there will be a cowboy or two in the wings.

Gingerlicious

2006-12-11T20:34:00.001-08:00

Alright so not as posed as Tina Louis, but y'know...you can't have it all.

If you look closely you can see that my TV is sporting the word "VIRGIN" I wonder what that means???

What do you think of the colour?? Matches my eyes n'est pas?

Island Ginger

2006-12-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

This is "Ginger Grant" - dark lustrous red hair...the lipstick is a bit much but it's really the hair you need to pay attention to here.

Gingerlicious!

2006-12-08T19:51:00.000-08:00

I am going to be posting picture proof soon, but for now you have to take my word for it. I am GINGERLICIOUS! Oh yesss. Red Hair baby!

My friend Shaylah has just graduated from an esthetics school where she has become a MASTER of hair and make up. She is currently charge welllllll below average prices for transforming the rest of us into the Best US we can be. I have a great hair cut and have been taking some make-up lessons and now...NOW I have RED HAIR!

It's not just any red. Not "I think we're alone now" red. (Thank you Malcolm The Eye Guy), not "You've got some s'plainin' to do" red...Gilligan, Marrianne, the Captain and The Professor TOO Red. Ginger. Ginger was my favourite.

Ok...so I have probably only watched about 3 episodes...maybe 2....1??? But I do remember her being very luscious...very curvy and EVERY man's fantasy.

Do I think this new hair has transformed me? Not really...but it is very striking against my peachy creamy skin. I have received quite a few appreciative looks from lots of guys. I'm only slightly saddened to tell you that most of them have been from older men. The BEST compliment though was from my colleague Sasha who walked into the office on Monday morning, saw me and exclaimed "Oh Kwerkie! You're BEAUTIFUL".

What an EGO boost! Weeee. I have to say that Sasha is very good looking. Hot even. So coming from her I felt very pretty indeed.

I haven't been able to create the "salon oohhh lah lah" that Shaylah is soooo good at, but I am getting better and playing around with different tools and products. Funny now that I am 32 I am taking more and more interested in being girly. I have mastered the Day Look of make up. I look like I'm not wearing much make up at all - all very light and airy. The Evening Look is something I am working on, I've never been one for much make up so I find applying darker shades a bit daunting - god knows I don't need to look like some sort of painted whore.

I will post Ginger and myself as Gingerliscious very soon.

Bon Soire!

Decisions Decisions Decisions

2006-12-02T16:20:00.000-08:00

Rightyoh! It's D day.

Well...to be honest, D day happened a while ago.

I finally broke up with Mattias. It's been rough...and we still talk. Had a bit of a set back last week when we did hang out and then...well...yup. Not proud - just sharing. Hard to believe that I can't just seem to quit this guy. I think it's because for the first time in a long time I was in a relationship that was 90% friendship before anything else morphed into our relationship.

Having said that, our relationship wasn't nearly as romantic as I would have liked it to be. Sure he was sweet and said lovely things to me all the time, but there was that certain 'je ne c'est quas' that was missing.

I think that many men equate Romance with large Expensive gestures. I would have to say that whereas a lovely romantic meal out or a bouquet of flowers (no roses for me thanks...please ensure there are a few Gerberra Daisies though) or even a piece of jewlrey are lovely and do in fact cost $$, Romance doesn't have to be all Grand nor does it have to be Costly.

I can think of a particular romantic night I had with Bentley. I arrived at his place and was greeted with such a tender hug and a lingering kiss that I melted. After taking my coat he led me into the bathroom where a lovely hot bubble bath was waiting for us - candles lit and wine waiting. We disrobed, sank into the tub and it was sooo luxurious to relax and talk quietly and sweetly to each other as the bubbles crinkled around us. Total cost might be $20.00 (wine + bubble bath).

2 1/2 Years and 4 Men later I am still saddened over the ending of Nelson and I. Ridiculous really as we were together only a short 4 months. He has somehow stuck so deeply into my heart that I haven't been able to shed him. Like a sliver that my body has absorbed but not done away with.

I have to decide when I want to go to Calgary. Will I do it at the end of this work season? I feel badly for my office...not that I am thinking I'm irreplaceable - but I think it will be difficult to leave them knowing that Gerald will probably retire this year and then the 2 new girls will be alone with Seamus (my boss).

Do I give them one more year? Go in 2008 and then start my life over in Calgary at the ripe age of 33? Surely by then Seamus would have hired someone else to replace Gerald and the 2 new girls will have a year under their belts and then they'd only have to deal with 1 newbie.

I don't want to make this decision lightly. I am worried that I am putting my sadness at my lack of love life/family life ahead of a smart career move.

I would like an easy button of my own.

PRESS

*poof* Mr. Right appears and we fall deeply madly in love, spend a few years on our own before having a family before I"m 38.

*sigh* If only it were that easy.

I don't want to "settle". I want it to be REAL. And as the Supremes have taught us "You can't hurry love".

As for the links...I don't even know how to manually put them in - Sonny did that for me.

I'm a technological peasant!

My Life needs an Enima!

2006-11-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

Right! I've been constipated on the issue of Mattias for far too long. It's time to shit or get off the pot.

I've decided that a change in the appearance of The Single Files was needed. After looking through Lady K's blog and LOVING the changes she's made there...I thought it was high time to switch things around here.

No more Kwerkie the Kermit....on to Kwerkie the Klassy.

To be a class act I shall have to do some major overhauling.

1) Thursday is D day for Mattias and I. I can't give any more and I need a lot more than he is giving. It's not a suprise - we have been doing the 'this isn't working' dance for a while now and it's time that I grew up and just took care of it.

My friend Jordie said something to me the other day that I can't stop thinking about. "Is the fucking you're having worth the fucking you're getting" - a bit of redneck philosophy to make me realize that all the issues that are between Mattias and I are NOT worth all the stress.

I KNOW relationships are work. I KNOW there needs to be give and take...but the point is to find a bit of a balance - I no longer feel that this see-saw game is safe for me. I am aware that this sounds like a fairweather lover point of view, but let's be honest here - I'm not likely to get the end product I want - ie KID(s) of my own - why hang on to something that isn't what I want? It's like those silly green high heels I bought in the Spring and never wore nor returned.

2) I am afraid that I am becoming a bit jaded in my perception of people in general. The clique that I hang out with have some good 'keepers' in there but I am getting more and more disgruntled with the amount of immature bullshit that seems to be teaming through it. In particular I am saddened that my friendships with some people seem to be have been built on smoke and mirrors.

I can barely deal with my OWN emotional napalm let alone someone else's and I am getting more and more bored with the attempts at self gratification and manipulation that I see others doing.

I need to be on my own for a while. I need to cave a bit. I need to get a bit of a firmer stance on the ground so that I don't just fly off the handle at any old thing.

I am thinking about taking a self defence class. I think it will help me in a few ways - but mostly to be a bit less sensitive and emotional. Sometimes I cherish my openess with my feelings...other times it just seems to get me ito more trouble and heartache then necessary.

Does anyone have any advice for become a cold hearted bitch? Perhaps just a bit more guarded??

And...how do you like the new look?

And...how do I add my links back??

Sweet & Sour - I'm a phreakin' Meatball!

2006-11-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

I’m too nice to the point of being an absolute bitch.

Hey- don’t furrow your brows like that…it makes sense….just think about it.

I am being really nice to Mattais lately. Too nice. Which is why when I go 100% Cold Turkey on him it’s going to seem like some sort of Cybil moment. It’s not…it’s just that I’m too nice and then when I put my foot down…it comes off like I’m a mega bitch. Which will ALL know is just not true…if I’m a mega ANYTHING it’s a Megalomaniac!

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be friends with my exs. It’s too hard…there’s too much demand on my time and I can’t stand it. I need to just start saying NO.

What seems to be my issue here? Why is it that I have to make sure it all comes out roses? Sometimes a relationship dies and it should just be left alone. We’re both great people, but I don’t want to BE with him anymore. I KNOW he’s not the one for me and I refuse to ‘rescue’ him.

When we broke up I initially felt it hard. We talked a LOT. There were still about 4-7 calls per day and we even met for lunch once during the week. Then it was just too easy to fall back into the swing of things…back into meeting for lunch, back into 6-12 calls per day and then back into bed again.

NO NO NO NO NO! ENOUGH.

How will EITHER of us move on if we are still doing EVERYTHING that couples do? I know that most of this is my fault. I’m a phreakin’ push over. I think I need to take a self defense class. If I know I can kick the shit out of someone I think it would be easier for me to just say no. Also, Mattias fed my ego…and my stomach. 18lbs gained since we started dating. No I’m NOT suggesting that he’s a Feeder. But…there was some recreational pharmaceuticals consumed and I ALWAYS get the munchies…for really really bad icky things. Then between work and trying to see him I haven’t been to the gym. MY FAULT I know.

Soooo. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO ENOUGH!

BACK to the gym with me- (hoorah for day 1)

STOPPING the phone calls, texts and other things with Mattias. COLD TURKEY. On to meatballs.

Let's Make A Deal

2006-10-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

So after my last few dating experiences I thought it was time to really think about and define what my Deal Breakers are.

We all have them, and some of them are fairly common and made good sense. Infidelity; for example, is pretty much my # 1 Deal Breaker, followed closely by Lying, Criminal Behavior, Assholia (treating people like crap just cuz they can) and Not Wanting Any Children.

It's pretty heavy and I know it must read like all I want to do is go out and get married and have a baby. It is a bit more complicated than just that. Not just any guy will do y'see. And I don't want to jump right from Girlfriend to Wife to Mum in under 4 years - that is just folly!

I look at my oldest brother and his wife and they have been together since 1993. That is 13 years!!! Their marriage has lasted longer than my parent's did and they still seem to really be in love with each other. It's not like they don't have their moments or frustrations or times when they may be contemplating murdering each other.

Sometimes the idea of being with the same person for more than 2 years frightens me. Could I really have my interest kept for that long? I've never had the opportunity to test it out...2yrs was the longest relationship I ever had...and it was built all on lies lies lies.

Anyway...I'm getting away from the topic at hand here. Deal Breakers.

1) Infidelity
2) Lying
(I know they seem to go hand in hand but sometimes they don't...so a separate category was necessary)
3) Kids - I don't mind if they have a child but I do really want to at least TRY to have a baby of my own. If it's off the shelf then I can't put my heart on it.
4) Smoking - I know I know...I have dated a few smokers (Mattias as the most recent) and I just can't do it anymore. It's bad enough they want to poison themselves, I don't have to be a part of that. (Aren't reformed smokers the worst?? I know! I'm one of them!P).
5) Obstinance - I"'m the bossy one....I can't be bossed around (much)
6) Distance. This one is tricky. Mattias lives 76kms away...I am sans vehcile so it was always him coming out to see me or us meeting up after work as we both worked downtown. It's crazy how far away 76kms really is.

I think I'm a very easy going person and I tend to let a lot of things slide - probably TOO many things slide.

I vow to be a bit more picky....no more comprimising myself into an unhealthy relationship or away from my dreams.

And NO....I don't want to have a baby right now....or even 9 months from now - but it's sort of in my 5-8year plan.

The change is starting....hair first....glasses next...what will happen after that? You'll have to stay tuned!

Shut up WhiteSnake!

2006-10-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

So here I go again on my own.
Goin' down the only road I"ve ever known.
Like a drifter I was- I SAID.....SHUT UP WHITESNAKE!

*sigh* So of course Mattias and I have ended our romantic dalliance. It was coming for a while and to be honest, it was the very nicest break up I have ever had.

It started innocent enough - he was asking how my brother and sister-in-law were doing now that their baby has come into the world 2 1/2 weeks early. It morphed into the "We both know Kwerkie wants kids" talk....and then pretty soon we were sitting there with this ENORMOUS elephant in the room which we both refused to acknowledge.

Kwerkie "Do you see that great big elephant sitting over there?"

Mattias "Oh...you mean that large Grey Affrican with the floppy ears and extra long trunk?"

Kwerkie "Oh...is that what that is? An Affrican Grey?

Mattias "You tell me....I dont' see it"

And there it was....over. It ended with lots of cuddling and he even stayed the night...in my bed. And nothing happened. Well...we did cuddle. There was no nookie or wookie or nose biting or anything to suggest that we were lovers.

I melted down a wee bit in the morning when he gave me back my keys. The fact that we haven't really stopped talking to each other still seems a bit odd. We were talkers....5-8 times a day when we didn't see each other....and at least 3-5 times during the day PRIOR to meeting up. We were all about talking. And we talked about everything.

LadyK even made the comment that Mattias was the closest personality match to myself and that she could totally understand why I was attracted to him both physicaly and mentally.

*sigh*

It's a bit silly...but I know that he isn't the one for me so that makes me feel a bit better. There are changes coming...moving most likey to a cheaper place so I can save some $$ and then .....brace yourself....Calgary in 2008.

Maybe I'll get a horse....probably just a dog though - and to be clear I am NOT talking metaphorically.

What a great time...right before my birthday. I must be getting wiser or something.

Positively Negative

2006-09-26T18:05:00.000-07:00

I just want to bitch for a minute.

I want to bitch about random things that have been on my mind for a little while and some things that just came to light today.

I want to bitch about people who are the 'other woman' or the 'other man' in an affair. What makes you KNOWINGLY get involved with another person who is either a) married or b) in a relationship? What is the appeal here? Is the attached man/woman THAT attractive that any sense of morals or social etiquette goes right out the window? In the case I am thinking of, the affair has "allegedly" ended but it has actually has had ripple effects and has actually went from being just a 'personal' thing to actually interfering with the 'other persons' business. I wonder what would happen if the 'other person's' BOSS found out.

I want to bitch about ....ahhh forget it. I'm tired of bitching.

It's fall...what mega change is going to take place this year?

Mattias and I are still in the talking stage of the kid discussion. He's 95% 'in'. I"m not sure what that means exactly but for now I'm still having fun.

Work is going GREAT! Big Mega PHAT raise. 3 International Trips on the go and a new Festival in the works that I am organizing. Lots of trips to see teachers but sadly...due to the conflict with my oldest brother and his wife about to have their 2nd child...I will not be going to Alberta to see my favourites.

I toss around the idea of moving to Calgary a lot...but with the way work is going right now and my family expanding...well...it seems that Vancouver will be my home for a while. I keep hearing about all the wonderful fabulous things in Calgary...

I'm turning 32...what the hell happened to My Plan?

all the cards are on the table

2006-09-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

So last month was my nephew Noah's 2nd Birthday and of course there was a party and of course my family was there and of COURSE I got to hold Chloe - my 3 month old tiny, perfect little niece!

I was suffering from PMS so I wasn't quite myself...emotional mostly and when I held wee Chloe in my arms...YIKES...the clock went from a quiet little 'tic tic tic' to a 9 O'Clock gun BOOM! Later that day I went out wtih Mattias and was a bit sullen...the realization that yes...I really really want to have kids one day was weighing very heavy on my mind. I was, afterall, dating a guy who has five kids already.

Ok...so naturally Mattias asked me what was keeping me so quiet and I told him. I laid all my cards out on the table. Yes, I want to have a baby some day. The problem with this statement is that although I know I would like to have a baby...I KNOW that I don't want to have one right now but what I am thinking is in the next 5 years. I'm turning 32 this year and as much as people tell me that having babies at 40yrs old is not that big of a deal, I know that for myself, I would love to have a baby before the age of 37. That gives me just over 5 years to be in a relationship that is loving and supportive and all the things that I want to be there in a relationship in order to HAVE a baby..and well...it doesn't seem like that much time to me.

So Mattias took it all in stride and said that he's not saying NO but he's not saying YES to actually the idea of WANTING more kids. Ok...I could accept that. We are still building OUR relationship.

Fast forward one month. Yesterday Mattias & I had a talk. Though he couched the terms in "still not made up my mind" the fact that it's been ON his mind since we spoke in AUG has sent some warning bells off for me. He kept saying things like "IF only I met you 12 years ago" and "I'm in the home stretch...I have 11 more years until the Twins are adults".

I am really strugging with this. This would be a deal breaker for me. I WANT to have a baby. If he never waivers from the fence...I don't think I can give up my dream of having a family.

There is, of course, the argument that he has 5 children and IF Mattias and I stay together than I will have a large family even if none of the kids are my own. This sounds nice and all very Hallmark movie of the week...but let's face it people. I can be a very selfish woman and in this, I am not willing to make that sacrifice.

It's interesting this has come up actually because there is a lot of baby talk and talk about raising children going on in my life. I feel like this is the universe asking me some tough questions to see if I am actually UP for the challenge.

It's not just about genetics. It's about the whole experience. Being pregnant...feeling the child grow inside me, pushing it out into the world, raising a child that is half my dna, being a hockey mum (oh come on...you KNOW that a child of mine will be playing hockey!).

I can't help but think...how long do I continue to date Mattias and get even closer to him only to find out 5 years down the road that my dreams of having a child are over? I don't know what to do!

I'm really torn...I love haning out with Mattias...he's hillarious and we do a lot of fun things togeher - have you noticed I've been quiet on here? It's mostly due to the fact that I'm often OUT having a life and having fun and many of my nights are spent with Mattias.

Maybe what I can do is break up with Mattias now and try to get over him and then suddenly when I'm not looking again someone will come along , sweep me off my feet and have a family.

This is NOT a discussion I wanted to have within the first 6 months of dating anyone. Shouldn't this sort of thing just happen naturally?

Umm...is it my imagination

2006-09-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

or have I suddenly dropped off the face of the world again???

I've had two blissfully distracted weeks off from work and I pretty much didn't do too much.

I've been having 'supervised' babysitting with my nephew Xander who is soooo cute I could just totally eat him up! He's 16month old and though he tries....his communication skills are just a bit rudimentary and I can't really understand a lot of what he's trying to say.

I'm practicing for when my brother and his wife go in the hospital in OCT to deliver baby #2 into the world. We are all fairly certain that she is going to have to have a C-Section so there may be a period of up to 4 or 6 days when I will have to be living at their house looking after Xander by myself.

He seems to have taken to playing with me very well and lets me feed him and change his icky diapers...it's the putting down to sleep that we seem to be having a total breakdown with. I am sure that this weekend will be much better as I will actually be ALONE with him and he'll have to choice but to go to sleep for me and he'll KNOW that his parents are NOT at home.

So then a near week spent with Mattias and his kids and the chaos that can occur when there are FIVE chillins around and yet...yet I am still convinced I want to huff and puff and squeeze one of them out of my own body...somehow.

I want to really take a look at what is going on with Mattias and I. I feel myself getting very soppy and all gooey around him and then this shadow...a ghost of a thought crosses my cerebral cortex and I wonder if I'm gooey for the right reasons.

I don't want to be that girl that falls for the guy that has the kids and wants more kids just because he has that mind set. I want to be the girl that falls for the guy who just HAPPENS to have kids.

To be honest I feel that it's really the latter and not the former. I mean...it's not my dream to fall in love with a man who lives over 70 kms away, smokes nearlhy 2 packs of ciggarettes a day and has five half grown kids.

I think I just need to let this happen. Take deep breaths and just let this happen.

Not kidnapped...but definitely kid friendly

2006-08-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

I know it's been ages since I've posted but there have been SOOOO many things going on.

Firstly....I was in Costa Rica for 21 days and there was no way I was going to waste my time and money in an internet cafe posting about how crazy I was to miss Mattias as we weren't together that long etc.

Secondly...as soon as I came back from Costa Rica I was away again on 2 more work trips and so I was trying to just get back to me, back to Mattias to see if things can progress with us and just generally catching back up.

Alrighty....there are farrrrr too many details to try and sqeeze in here so let me just give you the jist of it.

1) Costa Rica was FABULOUS and I once again can't say how fabulous it is to work in a job that lets me travel and do what I love and just be happy in general.

2) Mattias and I racked up a $600.00 phone bill while I was away...and we talked for 2 weeks straight when I got back just to catch up. Things are going VERY well between us and I am trying to keep things in check and not get all swept up in things.

3) The Kids. I love them....they are all unique and have very distinct and different personalities...especially the twins! I think they really like me too so that is cool. I play with them and I also have been disciplining them (normal stuff like "stop hitting your sister" and "take your brothers head out of the toy box"). I made them all eat alllllll their veggies before giving them a fudgcicle.

So yeah...I admit it....I have been day dreaming about what it might be like to be with Mattias and all the kids in the future....sort of a Brady Bunch episode only I don't bring my own kids into the mix seeing as I don't have any.

I may have babysat over the years all ages of kids from infants to 12yr olds...but this isn't the same. It's not just a job or one night...this would be much much bigger than that. I'd be lying to say that this doesn't intimidate me to some degree...but I also love a challenge.

On Sunday I thought it would be a great idea to go to Aldergrove Lake and let the kids splash around and we'd have a picnic lunch and all will be well. Grea idea right???

Ok...so I get the kids to help me get some stuff together and I am feeling pretty chuffed with myself. Mattias gets our stuff together and was figuring out the vehicle situtation and it all looked like it's coming along well. We get to the lake and let the kids loose and we splash and play with them too. Pretty soon it's lunch time. Left over hamburgers and salad from dinner the night before. Hmmm...great. I failed to pack any ketchup or mustard for the burgers, no plates and only 4 forks for the salad and the best part....NO Napkins or Papertowels or anything to wipe their faces with. I did bring iced-tea and cups....thank god!

It seemed to work out OK but I realized that there is no such thing as playing domestic. I should have made a list but thought I could just whip it together. Mattias was helping as well so it's not like I was trying to do this all on my own but I was in charge of the food and he was in charge of vehicles, towels and toys.

Yeah...I felt pretty bad for fogetting what I am sure seems like the basics...but I had little helpers that were making more mess than actually helping. The funny thing was...I wasn't annoyed about it! It was bizzare!!! I'm sure it might wear off but he's a good Dad and it's not like I"m watching some Dead Beat Dad or Ignorant Mum NOT watch their kids or dump them on me etc.

Mattias has talked to me about his fears that I'm going to get bored with him and the kids or that I'll miss my single life style or that I'll just decide that FIVE kids is wayyy too much to handle AND date etc.

Well...I like spending time with Mattias and it's very easy and relaxed and things seem to be going in a direction that I like. This is NOT a race...let's just see what happens...no rushing into things....just seeing.

Instant Potatoes...Instant Gratification...Instant Mum???

2006-06-30T23:37:00.000-07:00

Ok...so I've not been as forthcoming with a lot of Mattia's details for a few reasons. Mostly I just didn't want everyone to suddenly scream RED FLAG! five times.

I'm sure you are wondering why you'd say it 5 times. Perhaps I think you'd say it once for every child he has. Yes...that's right...Mattias has 5 children. He got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both teenagers. He married her to 'do the right thing' and so his oldest boy is now 14. 2 years into the marriage they split up and then divorced. He then met another woman and was together with her for 7 years and had 2 children, then split with her...but in one drunken night they got back together in the bedroom and....WHAM...along came twins. He ended up staying with her for 11 years in total. He never married the mother of his 4 other children and has been split from her for a few years so I feel OK about dating him.

So in order they are : Darrin 14yrs old, Luke 10, Marry 8, Jack and Emma turning 6 on Tues.

I got to meet Luke, Marry and Emma today and they are, in a word, ADORABLE. They seemed to like me too so that was alright. I was COMPLETELY nervous and when Emma grabbed my hand to walk with me and she discovered; much to my embarassment, that my hand was all sweaty! teehee. Ah well.

We had a very nice night and it was all very cool. Mattias and I were completely hands off so there was no wierd moments etc and I was introduced to his kids as 'a good friend'. I will spend the day with them tomorrow and will be meeting Darrin as well.

I don't know what to make of it really. I was very nervous but it worked out all right. When Emma held my hand I just melted. Marry was awesome as well and I really did try to make sure that I gave all of them my attention equally. That was surprisingly challenging as they were all asking me different questions at the same time.

Am I ready to be a sort of instant Mum? I know I'm not their Mum and I don't want to BE their Mum, but it may take me a while to get used to the whole package deal here. It's not just the whole meal deal...it's Super Sized with FIVE children!

I'm going to keep an open mind and just see how things go. I get stupid giddy just even talking to Mattias so I would kinda like to keep him around.

I'll keep ya posted!

Zen and other states of bliss

2006-06-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to just wing it. Yup...that's right...no plan, no thinking (well...not OVER thinking anyway) and just let it BE! I'm enjoying the time I spend with Mattias and it doesn't hurt that he's a wicked kisser (yumm) and that he makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts!

We've been seeing quite a bit of each other and it's always very relaxed and very fun. Will we be able to hold out until NOV to have sex??? I doubt it. Let's just say that the way the making out sessions have been going...and the fact that I leave for Costa Rica in T Minus 3 days...well...I suspect that we will be swapping a bit more than just spit in the very near future.

Now....this brings me to another tangent.

Sex...specifically orgasms and in detail...mine and the lack thereof.

I've entered another slump in the sack. Maybe I've been damaged since the bent wookie episode. I haven't been able to reach orgasm since! No toys, no fantasies, no memories seem to be doing the trick. Granted I had a period of 2 weeks where I was feeling decidedly UNsexy and then I had my period...but still...wtf???

After last Sat and the serious make out session with Mattias...I went to bed and thought I'd just finish myself off so that I could a) stop being so phreakin' frustrated and b) sleep. Well...I ended up just making myself MORE frustrated by getting soooo sooo sooooo close and not being able to crest over the edge that sleep completely elluded me that night.

Mattias and I have fooled around quite a bit and I'm sure you're not surprised to learn that he's had a number of orgasms and yet despite his valliant, persistant and rather thorough efforts...I have not been able to squish my face up, make completely incoherent noises and feel my muscles spasm in the most delicious way!

*le sigh* I think I need to stop thinking about that too.

Be careful what you wish for...

2006-06-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

So I am recently discovering that when you shake your fist at The Universe it tends to wrap your knuckles pretty hard.

After the weirdness with Max, I said the following outloud to The Universe : "I am taking a break from men, dating and sex for about 6 months."

This seemed like a logical thing to do. I want to take some time to get back to me, get back to the gym, get back to kickin' some butt at work and just take time for myself. I get cranky when I try to spread myself too thin....work, family and friend commitments...sometimes I just need some serious ME time.

Sooo...about 1 week after I said this we had a Softball Tournament and Matias was one of our subs. He's a nice guy, very cute, very funny and all I could think of was "No phreakin' way! I"m taking a break".

Though I was pleasant to Mattias and extended him all the comraderie that I do with the other people on my team, I didn't make any other special efforts to include him in conversation or even flirt with him. I was taking a break.

Most of us on the ball team belong to an online social club. It's like a message board and we often have get togethers and organize things like softball teams, curling teams, sea wall walks etc etc. It's a great bunch of people and I've met some serious Keepers through this site. (No, it's not a dating site).

As we're talking about this Mattias asks about it and I offer to invite him into our little Clique. (teehee). So I do. Mattias comes on board and is nearly a full fledged member of our Softball Team. We have been flirting outrageously for a week.

I am still not sure I want to be dating...but it is fun to flirt and he makes it soooo easy. Calls me Beautiful and Pretty Lady and has even given me gifts of high quality clothes! He calls me...he texts me and it's very easy to call and text him back and just flirt flirt flirt.

And here is the kicker. I LIKE that he calls and texts and is flirty with me. I like that he says he looks forward to talking to me.

Soo...wtf?? Universe!! I thought you WANTED me to take a break. Is this a test? Should I be walking away from this to show you how strong I can be? Or are you telling me to stop being silly and stop cutting myself off from fun and happiness?

I really want to be all Winnie The Pooh about this. When I stop looking for it isn't it supposed to just show up? Has Mattias just shown up?

Shouldn't this be harder? I'm suspicious that it's too easy.

It actually WORKED!

2006-06-12T19:45:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend I had a softball tournament. We totally sucked ass at the tourney but we all had a LOT of fun and laughs and of course beer. But the BEST part of the weekend was actually getting over what I had not been able to before.

I did it. ON Thurs I really did wash that guy right out of my hair!!

Max came to ball on Friday and though he ignored me until the 5th inning in the end...I didn't care. I went over at the end of the game to talk to him, we hugged it out and *poof* just like that....I was done!

He played with us all day Sat and then I saw him at Sin City on Sat night WITH Peggy and *poof* just like that...I was OK. Peggy even helped me out with my boots and I didn't have a single urge to kick her in the head! It was like magic! I just let it go and I feel soooo much better for it.

Maybe it's because on Thurs night I made a decision to NOT date anyone for 6 months. I am just not wanting to put myself out there right now and to be honest, I'm really busy with work and ball and lots of summer social things. I have no time to date or get to know someone intimately.

If someone *AMAZING* comes along in the interim...fine. However, I'm not looking and I'm not actively doing anything to meet anyone and I'm totally OK with that.

I think I need to take longer showers more often!

All in a lather

2006-06-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

Alright. I admit it. I can’t seem to let this one go and even thought I KNOW it’s silly and a complete waste of my time…I just haven’t been able to shake Max out of my system. Maybe I just need to take a long shower. Go all South Pacific on this one and ‘wash that man right out…”. Problem is…I like him. I’ve liked him (all very secret squirrel like) for a while (since January if I want to be totally honest). I think what I am objecting to the most is the bad drunk sex…I won’t get a do-over in a proper way and it bugs me.

In other news…LadyK is moving away and this makes me very sad. For completely selfish reasons of course…but this is my blog so I can be selfish if I want!

Before LadyK moves she is going on a 2 month adventure to Gay Paris! Oooh La La! (start reading this with an Inspector Clusseax accent).

Madame K will goh tu Paris and ….uhhh…’ow you say visit wid TinFoil. Zen she will be gohing tu all ze art muzeeums et cafés and be drinking wine and eating of the…ummm…’ow you zay cheeses??

I must admit to being a bit envious of LadyK and her exciting adventure. However, let me qualify that by saying that 1) this is going to be sooooo good for her and 2) I am happy that she is taking on this exciting journey for herself.

I guess that’s one trait I am very proud of. I actually DO want the best for my friends and loved ones. This isn’t just lip (or finger) service…this is the real meal deal. The reason I mention this is that I believe THIS is the reason why I haven’t been able to let go of Peggy’s comments to me.

I may have failed to mention that Peggy wrote me an email asking about the status between Max and I so that she can ‘emotionally prepare’ herself for what might occur during our camping trip. (10 of us went camping). I couldn’t help but interpret this to mean ‘don’t date Max’. And it was reinforced when we went camping and Max opted out of sleeping in my tent so that Peggy wouldn’t be ‘uncomfortable’.

At the end of Peggy’s email came the tag line “…not that I wouldn’t want happiness for my friends”.

Well…let’s just see. Max and I were secretly seeing each other since Whistler. Oh yes…Max is my Whistler Romp. (and it was a great weekend despite the state of the wookie). He was probably spending less time with her than she was used to. After they broke up they continued to be great friends and Max was still over at her place (or she at his) quite often. Sooo...if she wanted him to be happy, why wouldn’t she be happy for him to move on and date someone who was interested in him? Could it be, maybe, just maybe, that even though she didn’t want to date Max anymore, she just didn’t want him to stop doing all the things he was for her?

Maybe I’m off base here, but somehow I suspect I’ve hit the nail on it’s rather large, jealous and manipulative head.

Now. Having said allll of this, let’s not absolve Max of the situation. After all, he’s an adult and can make adult decisions about things pertaining to his own life. By choosing to sleep in Peggy’s tent at camping the message he was sending me is “I’m just not that into you and I’m obviously hoping that Peggy’s jealous fit means she wants me back”.

Max did come to my tent to check on me and to talk to me and to say that things were cool between us (wtf?) and that it was only to give Peggy time to get used to things. Hmmm…do I believe him? Not so much.

So…here is what it boils down to:

1) Peggy only wants what SHE considers to be best for her friends…stuff that works for her. Not altogether altruistic.

2) Max is holding out hope that Peggy will take him back

3) I deserve better than all of it.

Now…where did I put my lovely coconut smelling shampoo???

Kwerkie Karma

2006-06-08T18:57:00.000-07:00

Right...I want to talk about accountability.

I know that a lot of people read my blog and 95% of the people that do I happen to know. Some of them are very good friends of mine, some of them are mere aquaintances and some of them I just know by proxy. There are, of course, some that I do not know. Everyone is welcome to read this.

I'm not ashamed of what I say on here and I don't believe that I spew any venom on this site. I want to be pretty clear that The Single Files has never been about making people feel shitty. I actually have a genuine fondness for most people and will treat everyone with kindness, love and respect as I expect to be treated in return. I will trust you until the day you give me reason not to.

HOWEVER. I know that I need to be accountable for the words that come out of my fingers. I know that sometimes; though it may not be my intention, I do hurt people's feelings. Regardless of intent, it happens.

This site (for me) is not about creating stress, hurt or animosity. This is me working my thougths out. Let's face it...over the last 4 months my writing on here, though more prolific, has not been at it's Mae West. I am using The Single Files to have poor me moments a lot lately and to write down some of the things that are bugging me in recent weeks.

If someone whom I know and love were to read this and find something perhaps a bit unfavourable written about them, then the way I see it is they have 2 choices.
1) Talk to me about it privately or in a comment here (fair is fair afterall)
2) Ignore it and understand that whereas I may have written something about them on a certain date at a certain time that it could just be me writting out my thoughts and I may have just sorted out my feelings and no longer hold the negative opinion etc.

Blogs are funny things. They are private thoughts shared publically. Would I be saying these things directly to the people involved?? Sometimes. But as with most things in life, it depends on situations, timing and whether or not I want a resolution.

If you think that I get fairly personal on here...you should read my journal! (well...no one should really...it's my one place to go completely nutzo without any concequences).

So I try to keep things light and airy on here as much as possible while delving into my deeper thoughts/fears/anger on ocasion. This is so that I can continue to keep some of my Kwerkie Karma points.

Read. Comment. But above all : Enjoy.

A funny thing happened on the way to the theatre.

2006-06-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

Today I took my Mum out to see "Cabaret" (Currently playing at The Stanley Theatre until mid June). It was a FANTASTIC show! I was impressed with the set, the choreography and the singing!! I couldn't stop tapping my foot along and staring at the costumes wishing I had fluffy panties too.

However, before I get too into my love of burlesque...let me tell you about what happened 5 minutes before I entered the Theatre.

I was walking down the street with my Mum, her arm in mine as I helped her lumber along. I felt pretty...my hair and make up done nicely and I was wearing a lovely spring skirt and somewhat low top that made me feel tres springy...a contrast to the grey day it was outside. So I am confident and feeling good and I happen to catch the eye of a fella walking down the street. We make eye contact, both smile and I wish I could have blushed because he was quite handsome and it would have been cute to be coy.

He's tall, has broad shoulders, chocolate hair, eyes and skin. He had a fabulous smile. He walks by and we both the do turn-around. Nice. I even wink and he waves...we're disgustingly cute and flirty.

And then I walk Mum into the theatre and just smile...feeling good about the flirtyness and happy to leave it as is. I get Mum and some coffees and we flip through the program and talk to fellow patrons. I do love the theatre and hob-nobbing with like minded peeps.

Then something unexpected happens. Mr. Chocolate came into the theatre! Wow...what luck! We smile, he winks, I wave. A part of me wanted to cringe at how juvenile is all seemed. A short pixie like blonde woman comes over, links her arms in his and he leans over and gives her an all encompassing hug all the while making eye contact with me. And then I notice it...his wedding band. Wow...what luck!

So after the show I had some time to reflect on the weeks gone by and I realized that I attract and are equally attracted to, men who are not available for one reason or another. Max is still in love with Peggy, Marco was not ready and Mr. Chocolate was married.

Now I'm not fooling myself into thinking that there was anything that was ever really between any of the aforementioned men, but it DOES make me think (and as we all know, thinking is so important) and here is what I've come up with. STOP THE MADNESS!

That's right...dating is now off the menu. What I am offering instead is a smorgasborg of the following: Softball, Gym, Yoga, Reading and Rollarblading. Most of these involve my friends so I feel very good about still being social and not being all 'cavey'.

Life is a Cabaret Old Chum...Come to the Cabaret!

Eminem's best song...

2006-06-02T22:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't really been able to have a Do-Over with Max (as I've decided to call him), nor am I likely to get another chance. Apparently Eminem is right...you DO "only get one chance do not miss your shot"

I did get a semi-do-over...kinda like re-writing a pop quiz that won't actually count towards your grade. It was not the smartest thing I've ever done...makin' on Max in his house while he was HOSTING a birthday party for his ex-girlfriend whom I think he's still very much in love with.

Yeah...how many shots did I drink? Enough to think a) it would be a good idea to flirty madly with him and kiss him and b)that he was actually totally into me and not just going through the motions.

Hmmm...can we guess how this turned out?

At some point in the evening I decided I needed to sober up. This turned out to be the STUPIDEST thing to do in a night of constant disasters! It would have been better if it all happened in a drunken haze...I might have even forgotten about it all.

The Ex-Girlfriend (let's call her Peggy) has a 4yr old son who is at the party and watching all the drinking and debauchery go on. (Do NOT get me started on this) So Brady (the 4yr old) is relegated to Max's room and Peggy goes into his room and lays down. (At first I didn't think anything of this...but now I realize that she was waiting for him to join her....who doesn't want birthday sex? even from someone that you broke up with?)

So Max blows up an air mattress and we share it in the living room. We're making out and he was very cute and bit my nose. Tres cute. We're fooling around and things are nice.
I'm about to cum...like seriously very close to cuming and then...then....Peggy opens up the bedroom door and let's her rat-dog out. So Max stops and I'm left at the very edge and then it's like the air was let out of my balloon. FRUSTRATION! I would like to point out that Max got to have a lot of fun...twice.

My do-over is done!

The next day Max acted very cool towards me and when I called him on it he apologized and explained that he just didn't want to hurt Peggy's feelings...it being her Bday and all.

Soooooo

The week progress and basically....here is the situation. I believe that Max is still in love with Peggy. Peggy is upset with me because I didn't ask PERMISSION (wtf???) to date Max and at the end of the day I have decided that I deserve much better and am moving on.

On-The-Rebound: I can't decipher your cryptic comment, however, I do hope that your day improved and that your original task was completed.

Round and Round and Round it goes...

2006-05-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

I am OBSESSING about the bad sex on the weekend. Seriously. I need a Do-Over!

I didn't get into any detail in my previous post so let me share with you just how TERRIBLE it was.

1) I nearly swallowed his nose while we were making out. Y'know...I did the kisses from the collar bone up to his ear...then he turns his head and I turn my head with the full intention of connecting with his lips...only to nearly swallow his nose!

2) We're making out for a while and then it gets pretty passionate and we're ripping each other's clothes off...and I somehow manage to get my arm caught in my tank top and in the attempt to escape I hit him in the face and manage to choke myself at the same time.

3) We're finally Doing It and get into the rhythm of things...it's good...things are going well...until I start to ...y'know,....feel really good...REALLY good...I'm thinking...wow...I'm going to cum here...and then I think...I'll just go faster!!! And then....YOOOOOWWWWWW! He slips out but the motion is still going and then....yeah...ummm....I was done. I bent the wookie!

Funny thing is...I was in more pain than he was!

I can't get over it!!! I keep thinking about how fumbly it was and I keep thinking...wow...how did I get BAD at this?

I need a Do Over.

Seriously.

Even if nothing happens...I can't have him thinking that Saturday night's performance is the best I have!

*sigh*

Do Over.

Weekend of work and play

2006-05-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

So this past weekend was the 7th Annual Whistler Music Festival and I was up there with work helping to make sure that everything goes smoothly etc. For the first time ever I had my OWN room up there!!!

Woohooo!!!

Sadly though...Simone has quit and that means a few things. 1) I'm going to miss her and having lunch with her every day. 2) I'm going to be INSANE at work and will have to make sure that I don't take on too much. 3) The atmosphere in the office is going to suck for a while.

The good news is that...yeah...I got my own room!

I had a great time up there though...I invited a friend up to share my room and so he came up a bit late on FRI (8 30pm) and left pretty early on SUN. It wasn't my intention to 'consummate' our friendship...but it kinda just happened anyway. The best part was the cuddling. He's a super fabulous cuddler. The sex...well...I was awful! I was just off my game! He wasn't so bad...but yeah...it was awkward- especially the 2nd time!

So now there is this weirdness between us which is awful! I think we both just got a bit drunk and it was nice to cuddle and be held and it was so comfy between us that well...yeah... Anyway...I’m sure that it will sort itself out soon. I don't regret what happened...I just don't want to repeat it any time soon.

He's younger than me and recently single (no, not divorced or separated) and I know that he was in love with his ex and hasn't been very long since they split. So I just think that I need to give him some time and maybe down the road it will turn into something more...but maybe it was just nice to hold someone who cares about me and to be held in return and just BE.

Done like burnt dinner

2006-04-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

So Tues night I finally get a hold of Marco. We had an awkward convo and then I just jumped in with what I really thinking. I asked him to be 100% honest with me at all times and that if he wasn't into me that he just needed to tell me and I'd be OK with that.

Sooooo. Yeah. He said that he wasn't watning a serious relationship. I thought it was a bit odd...we had only been seeing each other for just over 2 weeks so what kind of 'serious' did he think we had?

Anyway...the crux of the whole thing is this. I accepted what he said and also made it clear that I wasn't' going to do the friends with benefits thing with him. I just wanted my movies back. He thought it was odd that I didn't want to talk more about it. What was there to say? I KNOW I'm a great person, funny, sexy, beautiful...his decision to stop seeing me wasn't a slight on me at all. I wasn't taking it badly at all...sure I was a bit disappointed...but I wasn't going to fall apart. It had ONLY been 2 weeks for heaven's sake.

SO then he calls me the next day....a few times. Said he wanted to see me, we can be friends, maybe he'd regret letting me go...but not to wait for him. I assured him that under no circumstances would I be waiting for him. He made his choice, what else was there?

So we agreed to go to the movies. I really wanted to see "The Rocket" and I knew that he'd bring my DVD's back and I also thought it would be a nice evening to see the movie with him as we are both huge Habs/Richard fans.

Anyway...the evening ended BADLY. He pitched a fit and got into his car and screeeeeeched away recklessly. He nearly hit the parked truck in front of him he was in such a hurry to get away from me. I called him quite a few times that night just trying to get some answers from him but he was too childish to pick up the phone.

What an ass.

Next day he had the balls to say that as I called him too many times that he now thinks I'm a stalker. LOL. I laughed out loud when I saw that. I thought Marco was fairly handsome...but he's not really stalker worthy.

Here's what I think happened. Yes he ended things with me on Tues, but I didn't resist him...I didn't try to change his mind. I just said "OK - sorry you feel that way". Then he realized that it didn't bother me that much...so he maybe changed his mind. Then on Thurs I looked good for our movie outing and was pleasant and funny and all the things I normally am. He even touched my leg to see if I had shaved (Of course I had) and he was flirty and I flirted back....but in my mind he was DONE.

Then we had our drinks...a small tiff about the bill ( he thought I was trying to stiff him with it...I just wanted change for my $20.00) And then he was hurt that a) I wanted my movies back and b) that I wasn't going home with him or having him drive me home. So he was rejected...by a girl he rejected and then changed his mind on.

Oh well...too bad. If I had taken him back it would have been Nelson ALLLLLL over again. No way.

I deserve WAYYY better than the crap Marco was pulling.

Soooo...like the French Canadian Singer 'Mitsou" sang....'Bye bye mon cowboy'

teehee

NEXT!

Oh....and a clarification from the last post...Marco quit baseball based on an alleged "shouldER inury"

Thank you anonymous for pointing out the error.

Smells like...like...burning!

2006-04-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ok...so now that I like Marco...my nurosis begin.

We spent pretty much every available moment together for an entire week and had a lot of fabulous sex and a lot of fabulous laughs and just a whole lot of fabulous in general. Then I went up to Sun Peaks for work and we spent exactly one week apart with only 2 relatively short phone calls in between to keep any contact.

I came home from Sun Peaks yesterday and he picked me up from the airport. We had a lof of fabulous sex and some fabulous laughs and some VERY FABULOUS food and then yet some more fabulous sex. He spent the night and I hardly slept...he hardly slept.

Looks like he'll be quitting my softball team due to a 'should injury' and I just got the weird vibe from him this morning. I have called this evening and left a message but so far no reply.

I'm trying not to read too much into this. I am trying desperately to stop comapring him to Nelson...which I am finding very hard to do. The reason for this comparison is that Marco just went to trial on WED to finalize his divorce. Oh yes...he's been separated for over 2 years now so I felt it was OK to date him....but I guess I'm just thinking the following:

Am I setting myself up for a burn?

Maybe I should really only date guys that have never been married or at the very least are ACTUALLY divorced...like...2 or 3 years divorced.

I'm tired too...so my emotion-reader hasn't been properly calibrated.

And...what do I want from this anyway?

Montreal won tonight's hockey game and they almost gave it all away in the 2nd period. The game went to DOUBLE over time and it was a fabulous winning goal so I am actually feeling tired but happy in a non-specific way.

Just wish Marco would stop asking me what I am thinking all the time and start telling me what he is thinking.

Sacre Blue!!!

2006-04-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

So it's been a week and Marco and I have been spending a lot of time together. Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, ALLLLLLL Day FRI and then this morning. Funny...I'm not sick of him. It was nice to do my own thing today though, but when he called late in the afternoon...well....my huge smile once more appeared on my face. I am looking forward to him coming over after the Canuck's game tonight.

(Let's not talk about how badly the Canuck's have performed in the last month - they are my 2nds anyway, Go HABS GO!!!)

I know I need to clean up...but I'm tired so here's hoping Marco will forgive the clutter.

Part of me wants to ask him for Easter Dinner tomorrow...the other part of me knows better than to ask after only a week & 1/2 of seeing someone. So the part that wants to ask will just have to be gagged.

And really...I DO like Marco, so it's probably better that he NOT meet my family until I have a chance to give him some schooling on how to handle them. We'll see if we make it past 3 months before I expose him to any of the crazyness. Besides, I need some time to come up with some Lesson Plans on what to do teehee. The nice thing is that I know he'll love my nephews and be very interactive with them...but on the other hand he is pretty straight forward so I'm not sure how he'd handle my Mum.

Anyhoooo. Je like him. We'll see how things go.

All hands above deck....mostly

2006-04-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

So Marco came over for our date last night and I have to say...I should probably take a step back.

I like him too much already. I keep trying to have the 'we'll see' attitude...but I'm secretly crossing my fingers over here. However, before you get all wiggy...it's not like I'm saying "oh let him be the one". I'm saying "oh let him not turn weird/meek/clingy/dominating/ and crazy in general".

Right now it's all sunshine and lollipops. We don't know much about each other though I have to say that the bits I am getting to know I like...so far. I am excited to hear from him when he calls, I look forward to tomorrow when I will see him at Baseball (he's joined my team...happy venture or danger land?? what do you think??).

I'm pretty surprised actually. I haven't been wanting a relationship for a while. A forced relationship with Bently bugged me, even more so with Sonny. I couldn't understand why these guys were so quick to be in Relationshipville with me. I wasn't prepared to move out of Singletown that fast.

With Marc I actually caught myself fantasing about introducing him to my friends. *gasp* Oh oh...that must mean I like him. So I thought about our date last night and then was thinking...'yeah...kinda like this one".

He called to re-confirm and we had a pleasant easy conversation. I admited that I needed a bit more time to clean my place and he promised to arrivel 'fashionably late...but not too late". True to his word he came 10 mins after our designated meeting time of 6:30PM....with flowers. Lovely purple tulips that hadn't opened yet.

He brought a bottle of wine, his sly smile and his neat sense of humour. He wore blue jeans and a light blue button down shirt - I totally approved of his smart casual style. I admit to wearing my cute new brown harem pants and my neat-oh mozaic shirt. My make up was light and my hair was down...I felt pretty and confident. It didn't' hurt that I was making dinner and was making one of my favourite dishes...tomato chicken yummyness.

We chatted easily as I finished preparing dinner. Marco came in the kitchen randomly to put his hand around my waist or kiss my shoulder and I felt even PRETTIER and more confident...I nearly felt down right Mrs. Cleaveresque. He opened the wine and winked at me as we clinked our glasses. I smiled slowly and winked back.

Dinner was fairly light fare...chicken in a tomato herbal reduction, steamed broccoli and an herb salad. Our conversation wasn't quite as light...we talked about a wide range of topics from our past relationships to future carreer aspirations. It was nice to get past the small talk and have meatier discussions.

After dinner we walked up to BlockBusters to rent "Walk the Line". I don't know what happened in the movie past the 20 minute mark. That's when Marco and I started to make out. It was lovely. All hands were (mostly) above deck. I had a hard time controlling myself but he was pretty respectful of my 'no sex' rule and didn't push anything...it was me pushing the boundaries I had already set up.

I was particularly happy when in the middle of our date he was asking for another date. A HOCKEY date. I was soooo excited! Hoorah!!

He turned into a pumpkin at around 12:15AM and even called me to let me know that he got home alright. I was just a wee bit worried with the time being so late and him being tired and having to drive.

*sigh* As sappy as this sounds (oh, and trust me, I am TOTALLY aware that I am being MEGA sappy right now), it was nice to have his voice be the last sound I heard before going to sleep.

Pucker up baby

2006-04-08T16:02:00.000-07:00

Can you remember the last time you had an absolutely toe curling kiss? The sort of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, tinglies in your nether regions and tight in the chest?

I can.

Mostly cuz it happened just recentlyt in the front seat of Marco's car.

Let me describe the setting for you so you can get the FULL effect.

After drinks we went for a 'spin'. (Marco's word). We drove in his Family Guy car (complete with child seat in the back) to Spanish Banks and drove along the endowment lands. The night was gorgeous and the drive was lovely...Vancouver's lights twinkling away. We drove and talked easily about anything that came to mind. Soon Marco's hand drifted across the unspoken boundary between Driver side and Passenger side and his pinky connected with mine.
ZAP. Electricity and I'm not talking about static.

We held hands and I enjoyed the way that our fingers explored each other's hands while never really disengaging from the principal act of holding hands. We're driving along and as we come up towards Jerico Beach (again) Marco pulls the car in. (Thank goodness). He manouvers the car so that we have an unobstructed view of downtown...a view from his hood to mine.

As we are parked, the conversation gets softer, our voices quieter and in my mind we simultaneously leaned in to each other and our lips met in one of the very sweetest first kisses I've ever had.

His lips were soft and the kiss was a bit shy at first. I wasn't going to rush it, I just wanted to enjoy it. Lips parted, tongues took turns exploring and tasting. Marco is a great kisser. Not too much tongue, no excess syliva.

I couldn't help myself! The kiss was so sweet, so (ok...I'm going to use the word) tender that I found myself reaching up to caress his face as we were making out. Now I've got a huge thing with face/head touching. That for me is pretty intimate...it's what lovers do. I tried to stop a few times...move my hand down to his shoulder or chest, but it seemed like it had a mind of it's own.

Good news...Marco's soft spot is his ears...seems we have more in common than I initially thought. teehee. We made out like teenagers for about 2hours with James Blundt crooning away on the stereo. I have to say...Marco is a romantic and that came across in his initial nervous/shyness (sweaty hands...so cute!) and his choice of music plus the drive down to a beautiful place to have our first kiss.

Here's hoping there are more kisses with Marco to come.

I'll keep you posted...but I'm also trying to play things a bit cool and not get too carried away.
What happens after the phermones? Hopefully something good. We'll see. That's my new motto in romantic daliances..."we'll see".

Oh...and when I say Family Guy Car I am NOT talkin' smack about Marco's vehicle. I adore the way he talks about his son and he does seem like a very caring, very involved Dad. I thought it was very cute that the car seat has a permanent home in the car even if Marco only gets his son every 2nd weekend.

Quelle Suprise!!!! Oooh la la

2006-04-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

Bonjour mes amis!

Aujourd'hui je suis très heureux. Oui, c'est vrais!

It has occured to me that I still haven't taken up my language class. I'm leaning more towards French now and there is a class that starts up on 11APR...but that will conflict with something else I've recently joined...BASEBALL!

Yup...that's right! I have signed up for a Co-Ed Slowpitch league and our first practice is next Tues. I already have my own glove and a few baseball caps, a great attitude and a decent batting average...what I don't have is throwing skillz. I hate to admit it...but I do throw like a girl.

The French thing may have to wait until the summer. There are other beginner classes starting in JUL. My main concern is getting into the *right* French class. I went to French emersion when I was a kid...I can understand a lot of French...but speaking it coherently and gramatically correct is a huge challenge for me.

Maybe I'll just get Marco to help me out...he's fluent in both offical languages. I don't think my broken French impressed him, but I do think that I impressed him in other ways. (get your minds out of the gutter!). Marco is new on the scene so let's just see how this goes.

You know me...I don't go in for this 'instant relationship' stuff. "Just add sex!". I am playing things pretty tight right now. I have decided to dwindle the number of men down to 1. It was getting just a bit confusing/frustrating/annoying.

I haven't talked to Sonny in days...I didn't like our last exchange via MSN...it was odd. I couldn't help but feel that if he wanted to discuss the things he read with me, he should have phoned. I probably should call him. I liked him, but I don't think we can bounce back from this. I feel a bit of resentment that he didn't just wait for the conversation to take place. Having said that, I do understand that he'd want to confront me on the post. I believe that this one has ended up a combination of The Fade Out and Ostrich.

Soo...now I am left with Maco.

Funny thing this...I have lost all filters with Marco. I say things I wouldn't normally say. For instance...Marco called me last night and we were chatting easily about everything under the sun. Of course the topic of sex comes up (of course). At one point he asked me if I ever faked an orgasm. Oh my god! I started going on and on about how it's very rare for me to cum with a partner and that it takes a lot of time for me to do that. I was telling him that for years I would fake it and I even told him the story of Pedro! WTF??? WHY would I do that? I don't know. He seemed to take it all in stride...though who knows...it was a phone call...it's hard to judge people's reaction just based on voice alone.

Seeing Marco on Sunday and I am actally very excited about it. He's the first guy in a long while that I am genuinely looking forward to seeing again. When he called me last night...it but a HUGE smile on my face.

But let's not get too carried away here...it's VERY new and maybe it's just the excitement of newness.

This is not an experiement...this is life.

2006-04-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

Something was mentioned to me that kinda bugged me.

The direct quote was " I just want to say one thing... I don't want to feel like some sort of experiment..."

I would hardly call my life an experiement. This Blog is not an experiment. This is a reflection of different parts of me, my moods and all their swings, my whims and all their whimsy, my passions, my lusts, my desires, my feelings of all sorts.

Also...no one can make you feel anything you don't allow. I've learned that the hard way myself.

So if you believe this to be an experiment at your expense there is only one solution. End it. I am not going to stop writing down my feelings. I am not going to stop writing about my experiences.

When a show comes on TV that I don't like...I choose not to watch it. I may have cable and access to that channel, but if I don't like the show, I turn the channel or the tv off. It's the same here. IF you don't like what I'm saying, you don't have to read it. It seems rather simple to me.

So new rule. Only girls get the blog site from me. If a man happens to stumble on here that's wonderful and good. Chances are I am not dating them and they won't be offended. teehee. Of course...now I have to be careful not to date any of the women I gave my blog out to. I think that will be less of a problem...I do so love a pretty penis....and women just don't' come with their own.

So yeah...if this is an experiment....where are all the monkeys??? Everybody loves a monkey.

A non- event for Carmen -the hot chick with the tongue ring

2006-04-01T09:07:00.000-08:00

I love comments even if I seem afraid of them sometimes. So when Carmen left the "what happened?"comment on "How about a great big cup of..." I felt the need to share.

It's really going to be somewhat disappointing.

I seethed all the way up until 8:30PM. At 8:31 I left my apartment and walked the 28 stairs up to the 7th floor. I stood outside Mr. Fuck's apartment trying to compose myself and not have on my 'fuck you' face. I took several deep breaths and repeated "One million blessing to you" over and over in my head until I felt the bubbles of giggles between my lips.

One more deep breath and then I was ready. I knocked on the door to Mr. Fuck's apartment.

"I'll be there in a minute" came the gruff voice from behind the door. I could hear the scurry of footsteps, the banging of pots and the running of water. I could also here the muttered 'Fuck Fuck Fuck" of Mr. Fuck - there was no doubt that I was at the right apartment. I waited as patiently as possible.

The door opened to reveal a fairly disheveled Mr. Fuck. Big yellow rubber gloves were on, dish soap clinging to the latex for dear life. What amused me was that Mr. Fuck was wearing an apron that read "If you don't like it, eat me" and had a picture of a burnt dinner followed by a steaming pie. I think my eyes widened in surprise.

I told him that I was Kwerkie and asked in my bubbliest voice if he would be so kind as to return my phone.

He said "Oh yes. Just a minute." And then he closed the door in my face and went back into his apartment to retrieve my phone.

I felt like I was waiting for 5 minutes but it was probably only 30 seconds. He came back sans big yellow rubber gloves, sans dish soap and apron but AVEC my phone.

I thanked him for keeping my phone safe and gave him my friendliest smile. (Well...clearly it couldn't have actually been my friendliest of faces as it wasn't a genuine smile...but I could have won an Oscar for it I'm sure).

He mumbled something about being responsible in the future and I just continued to smile and repeated my Thank You. Then I waved and left, leaving him still standing in his door step.

"Thanks again! Have a great night! Loved the apron!" I called out to him as I opened the door to the stairwell and made my way back to my happy space.

So overall...a fairly non-event.

And Carmen...you're supposed to be Chloe!! But I'll give you back your name as my very own Chloe will be making her first appearance in the WORLD on or around May 26th.
Well...she won't be my OWN Chloe. I am referring to my as of yet unborn niece who's name was told to us a few months ago.

The Gloves are coming off...

2006-03-31T22:10:00.000-08:00

I've been afraid to write in here.

It's true...I know it's shocking, but it's true. It may be that I have given my blog site to too many people or perhaps it's the judgment that I fear. I am also afraid to write exactly what I'm feeling lately for fear that the grumpy pants haven't been put away yet.

Today I felt toxic. I wanted to scream at everyone I saw. Everyone.

I was given a ticket to the hockey game at around 10AM. The ticket was then rudely retracted at around 3PM. So instead of screaming at hot guys on ice...I decided that I needed some retail therapy.

The whole time I was shopping I kept thinking of an episode of What Not To Wear. It made me giggle...especially when confronted with my awful undies that I was wearing today. Maybe that's why I was so pissy today...I was wearing ugly undies.

I want to rant about men right now.

1) I am tired of meek men. I am a confident woman who enjoys being around confident people...men especially.
Most of my friendships are with very strong willed, strong minded, strong personality people. This makes for some volatile moments...but it is also the same reason why my friendships with these people are the most rewarding in my life.

2) I am tired of push push push to get into my puss puss puss. How about getting to know me? How about finding out THINGS about me....what I like to do on a Sunday, what I like to shop for the most, what I love to do in the quiet of the night when no one can see me?

3) I don't want to do all the work. I just don't. I don't want to be chased chased chased cuz that's the first thing that will make me run run run...but I'm not going to do it all either. I'm a bold person...I often make the first move. Well...I'm ready to come in 2nd in that one regard now.

4) Too into me...not into me. Wholly Jebus batman. One guy is too into me...Another guy is calling but can't actually make it to ONE date we've set up. Guy2 keeps asking me out...making plans...and then BAILING at the last minute. Fucking Dr's...I can't date a guy who's more wishy washy than me. After the hockey ticket bullshit...he's done.

5) DATING. Let's look at this word. It's not RELATIONSHIP. It's not COMMITMENT. It's DATING. This means hanging out with, having fun with, making out with....sometimes it might go a little further...but I've taken sex completely off the menu. No. No more sex until I, ME, KWERKIE, wants it. Just because you have an erection doesn't mean I have to do anything with it.

6) TIMING. I need a lot of ME time right now. I am not going out a lot during the week as I once did and my weekends needs to have a significant amount of Kwerkie time too. I am going NUTZ at work right now. I have been putting in a lot of overtime...at least 45 mins a day with WED night being the longest I've ever done in one day. At least the pizza was yummy. So when I say I'm busy or I want to have a night in by myself I don't want a guilt trip for it. Only one of the 2 have been respectful of that so don't think I am makin' stuff up.

*sigh* It's probably just too soon.

I was thinking about Ronan the other day...the waiting for sex...the wooing...the calls in the middle of the day. Now if only I can get the rest of the package too.

I also keep remembering this one day when he came out of the shower...but maybe I just miss the way my tummy would feel when I saw him naked.

*shakes head* There is much more that I want than just lust.

phone is ringing...ignoring it.

How about a great big cup of....

2006-03-27T17:35:00.000-08:00

FUCK YOU to Mr. Fuck who lives on the 7th floor of my building.

Before you get all offended by my initial profanity, let me warn you that there will be plenty more where that came from!

Mr Fuck lives on the 7th floor as previously mentioned. He complains about EVERYTHING. When we finally got a lock for our dumpster out back, he complained loudly and wrote a nasty profane letter to our manager about the rust that was on the chain. Big deal! Who wears their Sunday Best to take out the trash?? If you get rust on your hands don't touch yourself! Wash your hands! Bring gloves or bring a rag to wipe your hands on.

Now this rant isn't about the fact that Mr. Fuck complained rudely about the rusty lock. And don't worry...he's not just Mr. Fuck because he pissed me off...a lot of reisdents call him 'Mr Fuck' because he actually goes around muttering "fuck, fuck fuck" all the time. I wondered at first if he might have OCD or Assburgers or maybe he really just is Mr.Fuck.

Well...last night CONFIRMS it. He is indeed Mr.Fuck because he's a Fucker.

I was doing laundry and going up and down the stairs all night. I also had my mobile phone with me. Well...I get back up to my apartment at around 9PM and realize that I must have left my phone in the laundry room. I'm not worried...the laundry room is locked and only residents can get in with a key. Also...my building ROCKS with loads of great neighbours....except for Old Lady Italy and Mr. Fuck...everyone is very friendly so the fear of theft wasn't there.

Well...I had the great misfortune of doing laundry on the same night as Mr. Fuck. So he finds my phone...and instead of leaving it the fuck alone...he decides to 'rescue' the phone.

I go down to the laundry room to get my phone and it's gone!!! WTF??? Ok...so I go upstairs and write a note and then head BACK downtstairs to leave this note on the washer. "Hi, it's Kwerkie from 5XX. If you found my mobile phone in here please return it to me. Thanks".

Well...10PM and no one has come around with my phone. I go down to the laundry room periodically and check. The note has been put in the garbage.

GRRRRR

So this morning I post a note in the elevator and on the ground floor in both stairwells asking for the safe return of my mobile.

I got home to this note:

Dear Kwerkie
I have your phone. I found it left irresponsibly in the laundry room. It was beeping annoyingly so I turned it off and brought it up to my place for safe keeping. I went to bed quite early and forgot about your phone until I saw your note this morning. If you would like to come and collect your phone it will be available between the hours of 8:30-9:30PM tonight.
By the way -the proper term is CELLULAR phone - NOT mobile phone.
Yours,
Mr. Fuck apt 7XX.

So...GREAT! My phone is held hostage until 8:30PM, It's SMALL...he could EASILY slip it through my mail slot. (our mail is delivered to every suite...we have slots in the door like a regular house). So WHY HASN'T HE DONE THAT???

I'll tell you why...cuz he's Mr. Fuck the Fucker!!

So I will go up at 8:30PM tonight to get my phone and I'm sure I will have to bite my tongue so I don't just say "Thanks!" Followed quickly by "And FUCK YOU MR FUCK -YOU FUCKIN' FUCK FUCK".